Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #5

Dear Kelly,

Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.

Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.

I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.

Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.

I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.

I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?

Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)

Yours,
TBW