Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #24

Dear KK---

Much to get to from your most interesting letters and much-appreciated reading material. No doubt this will be "Part One."

You and I are in total agreement on more personal letter; or as you put it so well: "serious and soul-searching letters." They should and do take longer to write... Before leaving the serious [will return, I promise :)] for more prosaic topics, allow me to make an analogy based on my own years or personal relationships AND (most important) talking to many, many women and men--deliberately--about relationships and intimacy. Never easy, but and well worth the time.

I may have mentioned this several weeks ago: Most men and fewer but still many women can go most of their lives without the courage (or lack of fear...) to be willing to open themselves up to someone else--emotionally, sexually & sensually [not the same thing as I somehow believe you know]. The way we live in late 20th & early 21st Century America puts so many obstacles in our way---many of them self-imposed. In one of your recent letters, you mentioned the word "sociopath" and its clinical definition, etc. I was very lucky, early in my 20s, to meet two women who helped me to learn to fully realize that potential for emotional intimacy. Hence my comment to you that 90% of sex & sensuality is in the mind... and I carried those "lessons" on, and continue to do so. This helps to explain two things, both of which, you have asked in questions:

1) I've already told you that without question I used to exhibit & act on some traits of the "sociopath" as you & I understand the definition. But in other ways, especially my attitude toward intimacy & relationships the definition in no way applies. Complicated, I know.

2) These are a lot of reasons why I have been able to deal with current situation and, as you again put so well: "mentally adapt." One of them is the clear knowledge that I was able to appreciate & totally experience all the above. Trust me, I am very thankful for that. Very lucky, as well.

Again, I promise to "expand" all the above--but your observations on "time" are so true. The above took over 45 minutes to write! Plus I know that my ultra-curious & questioning [love both those traits about you...] correspondent will ask more questions, etc., etc. !

Actually, one more serious comment: Thank you for sharing with me that you suffer at times from clinical depression; and that you "understand, so well, that 'What happens next?' question :-) I believe most people do not understand; and I believe that many people (men and woman) suffer from depression (mild or serious) and don't realize it. Do any of the serotonin--uptake inhibitors help you? (Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paxil, etc.?)

Hope we can talk about this much more. So glad you seem to battle it so well.

***

So--an entire website devoted to words people like and the reason why?! Fantastic! I know I have several---believe I mentioned either "INCANDESCENT" or "IRIDESCENCE"...also two Anglophilic word: "FACTOTUM" and "MAJOR-DOMO" and for some reason: "GLEAN"/Your word "FURTIVE" definitely has a certain "ring" and "feel" to it.

I certainly hope that at some point "IN TREATMENT" will come to basic cable. You have totally sold me on the very compelling storylines, all of which seems to be very intense & emotional. I can understand how a whole hour of these wrenching personal/emotional battles& therapy session can make the viewer feel uneasy or tense. Do keep me posted! [do you recall the "Sopranos" storyline in which Annabella Sciorra played another patient of Dr. Melfi's who end up having an affair with Tony...then they break up & she threatens him...and later she commits suicide. Powerful stuff.]

Your comments about New York City are most illuminative & enlightening. I did seem that the Giuliani years turned New York into more vanilla & "homogenized Disneyfied" city. Mind you--still a FAR more diverse & fascinating city than any other in these United States. But as you point out, it is precisely that enormous, teeming, conflict-filled, slightly or somewhat dangerous atmosphere that makes New York what it is: that "petri dish from which true art grows." And I can totally appreciate the fine line you must draw as a denizen of the City---safety but with an "edge"...

[Not the same things---but I can recall my visit Kinshasa (D.R. Congo): this enormous, teeming city---dirt-poor, filthy, dangerous, so crowded, but filled with so much life & vitality...]

Turning to your second letter--your card with the "Autobiography of J.G.B." enclosed: Thanks for the details on "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single." Sounds like Mr. Schaeffer has a good thing going with Showtime. Perhaps at some point another black comedy like "Starved" will come along.

Speaking of FX: Do you watch "Rescue Me"? I only mention it because it is still another television show taking place in New York. Is every cop in New York on a TV Show?!! Let's see---you've got the three Law & Orders, CSI: NY, The Unusual, countless others, past & present. After an 18 month hiatus due to the writers strike in 7-08--it recently began its Fifth Season. It deals with some pretty intense stuff addition, 9/11 (good, bad & ugly), child death, revenge murder, & some amazingly twisted & bizarre relationships, even by FX standards. But the writing is very good, very funny, & very dark. To be honest, most police, fire, etc. shows leave me cold---but "R.M." is about the FDNY only peripherally.

That trip to Alaska sounds great. Actually, it sounds like they could keep the cruise ship docked in Seattle and everyone would still have a pretty good time. Thirteen restaurants, casino, rock-climbing...Wow!

Yeah---I follow this economic downturn/recession very closely. The events of late September 08 will go down as a pivotal moment in World economic history. I'm genuinely sorry about your loss of clients/real-estate and related areas like yours seem to have taken the biggest hit. I don't know if New York has been hit as hard as S. California or S. Fla---but it can't be good. Good luck/I know you of all people will hang tough. Hope I can help relieve stress...

I need to get this in the mail, but must mention one other "serious" topic before closing. As you hopefully understand from the letters that followed--there are things I simply cannot discuss. It's not up to me. Details of certain incidents and chemical/toxicological information are among those topics. But you can know me almost completely from what happened before and after that time, as well as all the things & people & relationships & places that happened during... As you can probably tell by now, I have some strong & passionate feelings on a wide range of things, including my attempted insight into why certain things happened--or did not happen. I do want to delve into personal & private things & emotions & situations--trust me, we have (some!) and will. And all these things about you truly interest & intrigue me as well, KK. Ummmm... as mentioned before, I want to know you inside and out, and will let you inside me as well...

Must get this in the mail. At least one more letter to finish--comments on your articles and BLOG pages. Plus I know more questions and scintillating--another great word: "SCINTILLATING"--comments on the way!

You take care and stay safe in your deteriorating city. Be thinking of you, KK.

Yours,

Michael