Dear Kelly,
Hi my friend! How are you? It was great to hear from you as usual. Thanks for the article about Mini and the articles you wrote. I enjoyed them all. Your a comical author. I like your personality a lot.
I have been battling a severe depression and I've been cutting more lately. I'm asking for help but they just seem to don't care. I get 30 minutes of therapy every 3 months. What is that?! I take Wellbutrin and Neurontin. I am waiting to see the psychiatrist now. I think I'll see her next month. I believe my medication is some of the problem.
Are you doing well? I hope you're doing better than I am. Life is just one big cruel joke at times! I wish I had more willingness in me to want to live.
I saw my mom & grandma Sunday and it was an okay visit. To be honest, I felt liek they really didn't want to be there but came anyway out of obligation. Sometimes there are days like that.
Summer is upon us. It gets very hot & humid here. I miss the beach and swimming pools. There's not much here to occupy our minds. They need to have more theraputic things for us. I really wish they would have a dog program. Animals are such great therapy. My most favorite are labs. I think I told you already.
I'm now tutoring English instead of math. I needed a change since they were adamant about me teaching. I had gotten bored with math plus my mental state prevented me from doing my best. I felt I was doing the sutdents more harm than good.
I watched my first Harry Potter movie the other night. I enjoyed it--it was very different. I'm also reading my first fantasy novel. Just trying to make some changes and think outside the box, you know?
Not much else. I look forward to you letters as they always put a smile on my face. You're a great person and I'm glad to have met you. Take care and be blessed.
Hugs,
Susan
Monday, May 25, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #24
Dear KK---
Much to get to from your most interesting letters and much-appreciated reading material. No doubt this will be "Part One."
You and I are in total agreement on more personal letter; or as you put it so well: "serious and soul-searching letters." They should and do take longer to write... Before leaving the serious [will return, I promise :)] for more prosaic topics, allow me to make an analogy based on my own years or personal relationships AND (most important) talking to many, many women and men--deliberately--about relationships and intimacy. Never easy, but and well worth the time.
I may have mentioned this several weeks ago: Most men and fewer but still many women can go most of their lives without the courage (or lack of fear...) to be willing to open themselves up to someone else--emotionally, sexually & sensually [not the same thing as I somehow believe you know]. The way we live in late 20th & early 21st Century America puts so many obstacles in our way---many of them self-imposed. In one of your recent letters, you mentioned the word "sociopath" and its clinical definition, etc. I was very lucky, early in my 20s, to meet two women who helped me to learn to fully realize that potential for emotional intimacy. Hence my comment to you that 90% of sex & sensuality is in the mind... and I carried those "lessons" on, and continue to do so. This helps to explain two things, both of which, you have asked in questions:
1) I've already told you that without question I used to exhibit & act on some traits of the "sociopath" as you & I understand the definition. But in other ways, especially my attitude toward intimacy & relationships the definition in no way applies. Complicated, I know.
2) These are a lot of reasons why I have been able to deal with current situation and, as you again put so well: "mentally adapt." One of them is the clear knowledge that I was able to appreciate & totally experience all the above. Trust me, I am very thankful for that. Very lucky, as well.
Again, I promise to "expand" all the above--but your observations on "time" are so true. The above took over 45 minutes to write! Plus I know that my ultra-curious & questioning [love both those traits about you...] correspondent will ask more questions, etc., etc. !
Actually, one more serious comment: Thank you for sharing with me that you suffer at times from clinical depression; and that you "understand, so well, that 'What happens next?' question :-) I believe most people do not understand; and I believe that many people (men and woman) suffer from depression (mild or serious) and don't realize it. Do any of the serotonin--uptake inhibitors help you? (Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paxil, etc.?)
Hope we can talk about this much more. So glad you seem to battle it so well.
***
So--an entire website devoted to words people like and the reason why?! Fantastic! I know I have several---believe I mentioned either "INCANDESCENT" or "IRIDESCENCE"...also two Anglophilic word: "FACTOTUM" and "MAJOR-DOMO" and for some reason: "GLEAN"/Your word "FURTIVE" definitely has a certain "ring" and "feel" to it.
I certainly hope that at some point "IN TREATMENT" will come to basic cable. You have totally sold me on the very compelling storylines, all of which seems to be very intense & emotional. I can understand how a whole hour of these wrenching personal/emotional battles& therapy session can make the viewer feel uneasy or tense. Do keep me posted! [do you recall the "Sopranos" storyline in which Annabella Sciorra played another patient of Dr. Melfi's who end up having an affair with Tony...then they break up & she threatens him...and later she commits suicide. Powerful stuff.]
Your comments about New York City are most illuminative & enlightening. I did seem that the Giuliani years turned New York into more vanilla & "homogenized Disneyfied" city. Mind you--still a FAR more diverse & fascinating city than any other in these United States. But as you point out, it is precisely that enormous, teeming, conflict-filled, slightly or somewhat dangerous atmosphere that makes New York what it is: that "petri dish from which true art grows." And I can totally appreciate the fine line you must draw as a denizen of the City---safety but with an "edge"...
[Not the same things---but I can recall my visit Kinshasa (D.R. Congo): this enormous, teeming city---dirt-poor, filthy, dangerous, so crowded, but filled with so much life & vitality...]
Turning to your second letter--your card with the "Autobiography of J.G.B." enclosed: Thanks for the details on "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single." Sounds like Mr. Schaeffer has a good thing going with Showtime. Perhaps at some point another black comedy like "Starved" will come along.
Speaking of FX: Do you watch "Rescue Me"? I only mention it because it is still another television show taking place in New York. Is every cop in New York on a TV Show?!! Let's see---you've got the three Law & Orders, CSI: NY, The Unusual, countless others, past & present. After an 18 month hiatus due to the writers strike in 7-08--it recently began its Fifth Season. It deals with some pretty intense stuff addition, 9/11 (good, bad & ugly), child death, revenge murder, & some amazingly twisted & bizarre relationships, even by FX standards. But the writing is very good, very funny, & very dark. To be honest, most police, fire, etc. shows leave me cold---but "R.M." is about the FDNY only peripherally.
That trip to Alaska sounds great. Actually, it sounds like they could keep the cruise ship docked in Seattle and everyone would still have a pretty good time. Thirteen restaurants, casino, rock-climbing...Wow!
Yeah---I follow this economic downturn/recession very closely. The events of late September 08 will go down as a pivotal moment in World economic history. I'm genuinely sorry about your loss of clients/real-estate and related areas like yours seem to have taken the biggest hit. I don't know if New York has been hit as hard as S. California or S. Fla---but it can't be good. Good luck/I know you of all people will hang tough. Hope I can help relieve stress...
I need to get this in the mail, but must mention one other "serious" topic before closing. As you hopefully understand from the letters that followed--there are things I simply cannot discuss. It's not up to me. Details of certain incidents and chemical/toxicological information are among those topics. But you can know me almost completely from what happened before and after that time, as well as all the things & people & relationships & places that happened during... As you can probably tell by now, I have some strong & passionate feelings on a wide range of things, including my attempted insight into why certain things happened--or did not happen. I do want to delve into personal & private things & emotions & situations--trust me, we have (some!) and will. And all these things about you truly interest & intrigue me as well, KK. Ummmm... as mentioned before, I want to know you inside and out, and will let you inside me as well...
Must get this in the mail. At least one more letter to finish--comments on your articles and BLOG pages. Plus I know more questions and scintillating--another great word: "SCINTILLATING"--comments on the way!
You take care and stay safe in your deteriorating city. Be thinking of you, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Much to get to from your most interesting letters and much-appreciated reading material. No doubt this will be "Part One."
You and I are in total agreement on more personal letter; or as you put it so well: "serious and soul-searching letters." They should and do take longer to write... Before leaving the serious [will return, I promise :)] for more prosaic topics, allow me to make an analogy based on my own years or personal relationships AND (most important) talking to many, many women and men--deliberately--about relationships and intimacy. Never easy, but and well worth the time.
I may have mentioned this several weeks ago: Most men and fewer but still many women can go most of their lives without the courage (or lack of fear...) to be willing to open themselves up to someone else--emotionally, sexually & sensually [not the same thing as I somehow believe you know]. The way we live in late 20th & early 21st Century America puts so many obstacles in our way---many of them self-imposed. In one of your recent letters, you mentioned the word "sociopath" and its clinical definition, etc. I was very lucky, early in my 20s, to meet two women who helped me to learn to fully realize that potential for emotional intimacy. Hence my comment to you that 90% of sex & sensuality is in the mind... and I carried those "lessons" on, and continue to do so. This helps to explain two things, both of which, you have asked in questions:
1) I've already told you that without question I used to exhibit & act on some traits of the "sociopath" as you & I understand the definition. But in other ways, especially my attitude toward intimacy & relationships the definition in no way applies. Complicated, I know.
2) These are a lot of reasons why I have been able to deal with current situation and, as you again put so well: "mentally adapt." One of them is the clear knowledge that I was able to appreciate & totally experience all the above. Trust me, I am very thankful for that. Very lucky, as well.
Again, I promise to "expand" all the above--but your observations on "time" are so true. The above took over 45 minutes to write! Plus I know that my ultra-curious & questioning [love both those traits about you...] correspondent will ask more questions, etc., etc. !
Actually, one more serious comment: Thank you for sharing with me that you suffer at times from clinical depression; and that you "understand, so well, that 'What happens next?' question :-) I believe most people do not understand; and I believe that many people (men and woman) suffer from depression (mild or serious) and don't realize it. Do any of the serotonin--uptake inhibitors help you? (Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paxil, etc.?)
Hope we can talk about this much more. So glad you seem to battle it so well.
***
So--an entire website devoted to words people like and the reason why?! Fantastic! I know I have several---believe I mentioned either "INCANDESCENT" or "IRIDESCENCE"...also two Anglophilic word: "FACTOTUM" and "MAJOR-DOMO" and for some reason: "GLEAN"/Your word "FURTIVE" definitely has a certain "ring" and "feel" to it.
I certainly hope that at some point "IN TREATMENT" will come to basic cable. You have totally sold me on the very compelling storylines, all of which seems to be very intense & emotional. I can understand how a whole hour of these wrenching personal/emotional battles& therapy session can make the viewer feel uneasy or tense. Do keep me posted! [do you recall the "Sopranos" storyline in which Annabella Sciorra played another patient of Dr. Melfi's who end up having an affair with Tony...then they break up & she threatens him...and later she commits suicide. Powerful stuff.]
Your comments about New York City are most illuminative & enlightening. I did seem that the Giuliani years turned New York into more vanilla & "homogenized Disneyfied" city. Mind you--still a FAR more diverse & fascinating city than any other in these United States. But as you point out, it is precisely that enormous, teeming, conflict-filled, slightly or somewhat dangerous atmosphere that makes New York what it is: that "petri dish from which true art grows." And I can totally appreciate the fine line you must draw as a denizen of the City---safety but with an "edge"...
[Not the same things---but I can recall my visit Kinshasa (D.R. Congo): this enormous, teeming city---dirt-poor, filthy, dangerous, so crowded, but filled with so much life & vitality...]
Turning to your second letter--your card with the "Autobiography of J.G.B." enclosed: Thanks for the details on "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single." Sounds like Mr. Schaeffer has a good thing going with Showtime. Perhaps at some point another black comedy like "Starved" will come along.
Speaking of FX: Do you watch "Rescue Me"? I only mention it because it is still another television show taking place in New York. Is every cop in New York on a TV Show?!! Let's see---you've got the three Law & Orders, CSI: NY, The Unusual, countless others, past & present. After an 18 month hiatus due to the writers strike in 7-08--it recently began its Fifth Season. It deals with some pretty intense stuff addition, 9/11 (good, bad & ugly), child death, revenge murder, & some amazingly twisted & bizarre relationships, even by FX standards. But the writing is very good, very funny, & very dark. To be honest, most police, fire, etc. shows leave me cold---but "R.M." is about the FDNY only peripherally.
That trip to Alaska sounds great. Actually, it sounds like they could keep the cruise ship docked in Seattle and everyone would still have a pretty good time. Thirteen restaurants, casino, rock-climbing...Wow!
Yeah---I follow this economic downturn/recession very closely. The events of late September 08 will go down as a pivotal moment in World economic history. I'm genuinely sorry about your loss of clients/real-estate and related areas like yours seem to have taken the biggest hit. I don't know if New York has been hit as hard as S. California or S. Fla---but it can't be good. Good luck/I know you of all people will hang tough. Hope I can help relieve stress...
I need to get this in the mail, but must mention one other "serious" topic before closing. As you hopefully understand from the letters that followed--there are things I simply cannot discuss. It's not up to me. Details of certain incidents and chemical/toxicological information are among those topics. But you can know me almost completely from what happened before and after that time, as well as all the things & people & relationships & places that happened during... As you can probably tell by now, I have some strong & passionate feelings on a wide range of things, including my attempted insight into why certain things happened--or did not happen. I do want to delve into personal & private things & emotions & situations--trust me, we have (some!) and will. And all these things about you truly interest & intrigue me as well, KK. Ummmm... as mentioned before, I want to know you inside and out, and will let you inside me as well...
Must get this in the mail. At least one more letter to finish--comments on your articles and BLOG pages. Plus I know more questions and scintillating--another great word: "SCINTILLATING"--comments on the way!
You take care and stay safe in your deteriorating city. Be thinking of you, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #6
Dear Kelly,
A big howdy, or yeehaw (or whatever these yahoos say to each other at the local hoot-in-nannie) from secessionist Texas. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this fucking state? In case I was remiss: I hate this fucking state. There. I wish that had been cathartic, but, alas, I very much doubt my anger is so easily dispelled. I kind of figured you, of all people, would understand my occasional bouts with antisocial thoughts, and how that would apply to my attempt to write. Writing is like...the selective redefining of reality, and not a thing to be attempted whilst feeling as empty as Rick Perry's very attractively coiffed head. It makes me feel comforted to know that you sometimes feel as if you have phone in a blog, from time to time. I feel like that a lot. Especially lately. Dostoevsky said something about suffering being the sole origin of consciousness, and Proust, that happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the mind. I am just barely smart enough to know they are right, but easily weak enough to wish otherwise. When I am happy, I don't write; sad, I can't write. Only when I can stand on the razor's edge between the two do I pick up a pen. It would be condescending of me to pretend I see inside your head or understand your life after just a handful of letters, but I feel as if you will get me or this. Kelly, do me a favor. You wrote in your last letter that "(I) am more interesting than (you) are...I'm just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing." Don't do that. Don't minimize yourself like that. I don't write average people; I'm sort of a snob like that. I like who you are as a human being, and nobody is really "ordinary" anyways. Sometimes you say something and I know there is an excellent story behind it, and I hope one day you feel comfortable enough with me to share. After saying that, I should probably reassure you that I meant all of that in a pretty platonic sense. You will not be getting any creepy love-sick missives from Texas DR, I promise. That is not to say that I may not toss out some Hannibal-Lector-esque-Clarisse-fava-beans-type comments, but I hope you know that I am only joking around. My sense of humor really doesn't seem to translate all that well to paper, sometimes. Anyways, what I mean is: You are not some whiny hag to me. So few people today seem to realize how beautiful they are. It's tragic.
My big news of the week: I finally got fed up with my Websters dictionary and its puny 75,000 words, which never served to have anything I needed, and splurged on an Oxford American. 250,000+ beautiful, well-explained words. I've been tossing shite at it all day, and only once has it failed me: apophenia. I'm pretty pleased. Even had otaku in there. Question for you. I have a Rogets "Collegiate" Thesaurus. Absolutely worthless, for the same reason that Websters was. Is there a better thesaurus out there? Something which will have more advanced words? If google can come up with an answer, can you print me the results (with price, if possible). Danke. I really enjoyed the New Yorker piece you sent me. "It means that I'm taller than you, and smarter, an that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate." Ha ha, classic. What does a subscription to the New Yorker cost a year? Its a weekly zine, right? I get Newsweek, Prison Legal News, London Review of Books, Discover, and Smithsonian currently. All but LRB I got off a discount site, where I pay like 20% of the cover price. Not bad, really. By the way, I would definitely be interested in the New York Press info, if you can send it to me. The writing contest I was thinking about entering was for brits only, it turns out. I will find another, though. I will certainly send you a copy of whatever final product I churn out.
Have fun in Alaska! Try not to get eaten by a bear or shot by Governor Palin because she thought you were a bear. Take me a photo or two. Speaking of photos, you looked very pretty and happy in your wedding photo. Was the smile genuine? Its hard to tell if your eyes are mirroring your mouth in this one. Forgive me if that is too personal a question.
How did the play go and the Bobbi Brown cocktail party go? And your Bday? I had a bottle (three actually) of hooch in your honor. Well, I was going to drink them anyways, but it made me feel better to pretend there was a festive reason for fucking off a few million brain cells.
I think I have found a way to complete my BA or BS from here. Its taken me a long bloody time, but I think I have it. As soon as my Dad gets back from Greece. I will give it a shot. Wish me luck.
Well, I'm off. About to be rec time. I hope this find you well. Take care on the trip and send me a few photos! Until next time,
T
P.S. A few updates I left off: I've supposedly been given a new operation date in July.
Didn't really want to talk about 20/20 right now. I didn't see it or listen to it, but I heard plenty about it, nonetheless. Fuck it all. I hate the media. More on the psych stuff coming very soon, when I post it all online. Going to be uncomfortable, but... oh well.
XOXO
A big howdy, or yeehaw (or whatever these yahoos say to each other at the local hoot-in-nannie) from secessionist Texas. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this fucking state? In case I was remiss: I hate this fucking state. There. I wish that had been cathartic, but, alas, I very much doubt my anger is so easily dispelled. I kind of figured you, of all people, would understand my occasional bouts with antisocial thoughts, and how that would apply to my attempt to write. Writing is like...the selective redefining of reality, and not a thing to be attempted whilst feeling as empty as Rick Perry's very attractively coiffed head. It makes me feel comforted to know that you sometimes feel as if you have phone in a blog, from time to time. I feel like that a lot. Especially lately. Dostoevsky said something about suffering being the sole origin of consciousness, and Proust, that happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the mind. I am just barely smart enough to know they are right, but easily weak enough to wish otherwise. When I am happy, I don't write; sad, I can't write. Only when I can stand on the razor's edge between the two do I pick up a pen. It would be condescending of me to pretend I see inside your head or understand your life after just a handful of letters, but I feel as if you will get me or this. Kelly, do me a favor. You wrote in your last letter that "(I) am more interesting than (you) are...I'm just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing." Don't do that. Don't minimize yourself like that. I don't write average people; I'm sort of a snob like that. I like who you are as a human being, and nobody is really "ordinary" anyways. Sometimes you say something and I know there is an excellent story behind it, and I hope one day you feel comfortable enough with me to share. After saying that, I should probably reassure you that I meant all of that in a pretty platonic sense. You will not be getting any creepy love-sick missives from Texas DR, I promise. That is not to say that I may not toss out some Hannibal-Lector-esque-Clarisse-fava-beans-type comments, but I hope you know that I am only joking around. My sense of humor really doesn't seem to translate all that well to paper, sometimes. Anyways, what I mean is: You are not some whiny hag to me. So few people today seem to realize how beautiful they are. It's tragic.
My big news of the week: I finally got fed up with my Websters dictionary and its puny 75,000 words, which never served to have anything I needed, and splurged on an Oxford American. 250,000+ beautiful, well-explained words. I've been tossing shite at it all day, and only once has it failed me: apophenia. I'm pretty pleased. Even had otaku in there. Question for you. I have a Rogets "Collegiate" Thesaurus. Absolutely worthless, for the same reason that Websters was. Is there a better thesaurus out there? Something which will have more advanced words? If google can come up with an answer, can you print me the results (with price, if possible). Danke. I really enjoyed the New Yorker piece you sent me. "It means that I'm taller than you, and smarter, an that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate." Ha ha, classic. What does a subscription to the New Yorker cost a year? Its a weekly zine, right? I get Newsweek, Prison Legal News, London Review of Books, Discover, and Smithsonian currently. All but LRB I got off a discount site, where I pay like 20% of the cover price. Not bad, really. By the way, I would definitely be interested in the New York Press info, if you can send it to me. The writing contest I was thinking about entering was for brits only, it turns out. I will find another, though. I will certainly send you a copy of whatever final product I churn out.
Have fun in Alaska! Try not to get eaten by a bear or shot by Governor Palin because she thought you were a bear. Take me a photo or two. Speaking of photos, you looked very pretty and happy in your wedding photo. Was the smile genuine? Its hard to tell if your eyes are mirroring your mouth in this one. Forgive me if that is too personal a question.
How did the play go and the Bobbi Brown cocktail party go? And your Bday? I had a bottle (three actually) of hooch in your honor. Well, I was going to drink them anyways, but it made me feel better to pretend there was a festive reason for fucking off a few million brain cells.
I think I have found a way to complete my BA or BS from here. Its taken me a long bloody time, but I think I have it. As soon as my Dad gets back from Greece. I will give it a shot. Wish me luck.
Well, I'm off. About to be rec time. I hope this find you well. Take care on the trip and send me a few photos! Until next time,
T
P.S. A few updates I left off: I've supposedly been given a new operation date in July.
Didn't really want to talk about 20/20 right now. I didn't see it or listen to it, but I heard plenty about it, nonetheless. Fuck it all. I hate the media. More on the psych stuff coming very soon, when I post it all online. Going to be uncomfortable, but... oh well.
XOXO
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #6
Dear Kelly,
It's a good day. The sun is trying to chase away the storm clouds. We had big storms last night come through and that always makes me feel human. How can you not feel ultimately helpless at the pathetic attempts humans make at shielding themselves from the elements? Nature, in all her powerful glory reminds us we are fragile. I love it. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, and/or when our homes were primitive. The fear of the unknown--lightening and thunder. How scary and majestic!!! How great the gods! Zeus! And his mighty thunder/lightening bolts. The mystery of fire!
Everyday would be a day of discovery!
That's sort of how I felt when I got out. Awed by daily discovery.
Especially when I got my cable installed. Even seen the remote controls and endless menus and submenus? Son of a bitch!
Thanks for your note and enclosures. I love Mini. He's cute. I like little dogs. Portable. Smaller piles of poop. And he seems to be a good match for your kookiness. Love it! Mr. Pet of the Month.
I got a kick out of the New Yorker article. [Ed.: Making Friends] When I was younger, I said I'd never have kids. I'd grow to be someone engrossed in my career and building a life--and though I liked children, I never saw myself settling down to have any. I even checked into getting my tubes tied when I was 19. No kidding. Of course they don't do that until you've had 2 kids/over 25. As I grew older, I wanted them more and more, and though I'd love a kid, I still REVERE silence and knowing when I leave a room, it will be in the same condition I left I when I return. Still, the little buggers are awfully cute.
Fun little things--children. Full of life and magic!
Found this little guy and wondered if Mini was this cute when he was a puppy. Puppies are irresistible! Hope you are well. And hey, maybe Mini will stop peeing on your floor if you stop dressing him up in ridiculous doggie wear! :-)
--Sarah
***
She enclosed this picture:
It's a good day. The sun is trying to chase away the storm clouds. We had big storms last night come through and that always makes me feel human. How can you not feel ultimately helpless at the pathetic attempts humans make at shielding themselves from the elements? Nature, in all her powerful glory reminds us we are fragile. I love it. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, and/or when our homes were primitive. The fear of the unknown--lightening and thunder. How scary and majestic!!! How great the gods! Zeus! And his mighty thunder/lightening bolts. The mystery of fire!
Everyday would be a day of discovery!
That's sort of how I felt when I got out. Awed by daily discovery.
Especially when I got my cable installed. Even seen the remote controls and endless menus and submenus? Son of a bitch!
Thanks for your note and enclosures. I love Mini. He's cute. I like little dogs. Portable. Smaller piles of poop. And he seems to be a good match for your kookiness. Love it! Mr. Pet of the Month.
I got a kick out of the New Yorker article. [Ed.: Making Friends] When I was younger, I said I'd never have kids. I'd grow to be someone engrossed in my career and building a life--and though I liked children, I never saw myself settling down to have any. I even checked into getting my tubes tied when I was 19. No kidding. Of course they don't do that until you've had 2 kids/over 25. As I grew older, I wanted them more and more, and though I'd love a kid, I still REVERE silence and knowing when I leave a room, it will be in the same condition I left I when I return. Still, the little buggers are awfully cute.
Fun little things--children. Full of life and magic!
Found this little guy and wondered if Mini was this cute when he was a puppy. Puppies are irresistible! Hope you are well. And hey, maybe Mini will stop peeing on your floor if you stop dressing him up in ridiculous doggie wear! :-)
--Sarah
***
She enclosed this picture:
Friday, May 22, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #23
Dear KK---
Just a relatively brief note today to accompany a few items I wanted to send to you. I anticipate receiving a letter from you later this week, so I'm sure a long letter to you will be in order over the weekend! Writing to you, opening up, and learning and knowing about you is somewhat addicting, KK, but I'm sure you've heard that before! I'll elaborate on all this later...
Ran across this brief preview of tonight's season V finale of "LOST". Utterly fascinating. "LOST" is one of the few shows on television which an audience and critics actually agree, I can't help but connect in my mind my previous letter re: "What Comes Next?" / Scheherazade, AND the complex machinations of "LOST". If either you or I were kidnapped by an evil King or Queen and forced to tell a story every night with a cliff hanger, or face execution: I have no doubt that we would simply begin telling the tale of "LOST"--of the crash of Oceanic Flight 815, of the island, of the fantastic flashbacks, of the Dharma Initiative, of the Others, ad infinitum...
Like Scheherazade, KK, I'm sure the King would end up making you the Queen. You, of course, would insist on a firm contract outlining duties, benefits, etc!
Most curious to talk & write about your comments & thoughts on that letter and several other "deeper" letters written after. Hope you have no fears about letting me inside you as well. After all, if someone (you) can't share with someone here (me), who can they?
Must thank you again for that brilliant & well-written article on J.G. Ballard from Salon.com. [Along with DailyBeast.com & a few others, that seems to be one of the go to websites.] Unfortunately, such well though out literary criticism is becoming increasingly rare. Thanks again.
[Yes, dear, KK--I am one of the nerds!?? :-) who reads book reviews not just for the info but for the writing itself. But I suspect you do as well.]
By the way, the article provides a roadmap for discovering the best of Ballard's often disturbing & bizarre, but always entertaining, massive volume of work: His three novels in the 60s, and four in the 70s.
In an article which I believe was reprinted from your NY Times, I ran across this brilliant little poem by Carol Ann Duffy, the woman recently named the Poet Laureate of the UK. It imagines the plight of Mrs. Rip Van Winkle... I'm not really a poetry person, but like with music, there is always something unique, original, or emotionally powerful to discover... I know I have some others which I will send as time permits.
You can tell so much about men & women by what makes them well up inside with joy or sadness---what moves them---deeply and intensely. i.e.--that version of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley...
Also per some of our recent conversations, a recent article on some interesting psychological experiments on good & evil & morality & "doing the right thing". It beings with those well-known experiments by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s.
Another set of almost equally famous or infamous experiments which I'm sure you will want to talk about are the "Stanford Prison Experiments" conducted in the 1970s by a man named Zambardo [sp? odd name that begins with "Z".] You can google them & get all the actual details--very enlightening. Will discuss further if you wish.
OMG!* As I'm needing to finish this letter---just received two letters from you, including what looks to be a long article on neuroscientific research experiments! [another one of our Vulcan mind melds...] and just glancing through, you received my letter on "What Happens Next?, Stephen King, Scheherazade & coping with incarceration.
Definitely a more personal letter, also taking more time this weekend in response ++ Ummm...and hopefully many more like that from you as well...
For now this has to go now. Be safe, enjoy "LOST"--I'll be thinking about you as I watch it... [OMG, KK--do you believe that?] Take care,
Yours,
Michael
*In my next letter, "Gossip Girl", "90210" & the upcoming "Melrose Place."
***
To KK from Michael:
Poem
Mrs Rip Van Winkle
CAROL ANN DUFFY
Published: May 1, 2009
I sank like a stone
Into the still, deep waters
of late middle age,
Aching from head to foot.
I took up food
And gave up exercise.
It did me good.
And while he slept,
I found some hobbies
for myself.
Painting. Seeing the sights
I’d always dreamed about:
The Leaning Tower.
The Pyramids.
The Taj Mahal.
I made a little watercolour
of them all.
But what was best,
What hands-down beat
the rest,
Was saying a none-too-fond
farewell to sex.
Until the day
I came home with this
drawing of Niagara
And he was sitting up in bed
rattling Viagra.
Just a relatively brief note today to accompany a few items I wanted to send to you. I anticipate receiving a letter from you later this week, so I'm sure a long letter to you will be in order over the weekend! Writing to you, opening up, and learning and knowing about you is somewhat addicting, KK, but I'm sure you've heard that before! I'll elaborate on all this later...
Ran across this brief preview of tonight's season V finale of "LOST". Utterly fascinating. "LOST" is one of the few shows on television which an audience and critics actually agree, I can't help but connect in my mind my previous letter re: "What Comes Next?" / Scheherazade, AND the complex machinations of "LOST". If either you or I were kidnapped by an evil King or Queen and forced to tell a story every night with a cliff hanger, or face execution: I have no doubt that we would simply begin telling the tale of "LOST"--of the crash of Oceanic Flight 815, of the island, of the fantastic flashbacks, of the Dharma Initiative, of the Others, ad infinitum...
Like Scheherazade, KK, I'm sure the King would end up making you the Queen. You, of course, would insist on a firm contract outlining duties, benefits, etc!
Most curious to talk & write about your comments & thoughts on that letter and several other "deeper" letters written after. Hope you have no fears about letting me inside you as well. After all, if someone (you) can't share with someone here (me), who can they?
Must thank you again for that brilliant & well-written article on J.G. Ballard from Salon.com. [Along with DailyBeast.com & a few others, that seems to be one of the go to websites.] Unfortunately, such well though out literary criticism is becoming increasingly rare. Thanks again.
[Yes, dear, KK--I am one of the nerds!?? :-) who reads book reviews not just for the info but for the writing itself. But I suspect you do as well.]
By the way, the article provides a roadmap for discovering the best of Ballard's often disturbing & bizarre, but always entertaining, massive volume of work: His three novels in the 60s, and four in the 70s.
In an article which I believe was reprinted from your NY Times, I ran across this brilliant little poem by Carol Ann Duffy, the woman recently named the Poet Laureate of the UK. It imagines the plight of Mrs. Rip Van Winkle... I'm not really a poetry person, but like with music, there is always something unique, original, or emotionally powerful to discover... I know I have some others which I will send as time permits.
You can tell so much about men & women by what makes them well up inside with joy or sadness---what moves them---deeply and intensely. i.e.--that version of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley...
Also per some of our recent conversations, a recent article on some interesting psychological experiments on good & evil & morality & "doing the right thing". It beings with those well-known experiments by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s.
Another set of almost equally famous or infamous experiments which I'm sure you will want to talk about are the "Stanford Prison Experiments" conducted in the 1970s by a man named Zambardo [sp? odd name that begins with "Z".] You can google them & get all the actual details--very enlightening. Will discuss further if you wish.
OMG!* As I'm needing to finish this letter---just received two letters from you, including what looks to be a long article on neuroscientific research experiments! [another one of our Vulcan mind melds...] and just glancing through, you received my letter on "What Happens Next?, Stephen King, Scheherazade & coping with incarceration.
Definitely a more personal letter, also taking more time this weekend in response ++ Ummm...and hopefully many more like that from you as well...
For now this has to go now. Be safe, enjoy "LOST"--I'll be thinking about you as I watch it... [OMG, KK--do you believe that?] Take care,
Yours,
Michael
*In my next letter, "Gossip Girl", "90210" & the upcoming "Melrose Place."
***
To KK from Michael:
Poem
Mrs Rip Van Winkle
CAROL ANN DUFFY
Published: May 1, 2009
I sank like a stone
Into the still, deep waters
of late middle age,
Aching from head to foot.
I took up food
And gave up exercise.
It did me good.
And while he slept,
I found some hobbies
for myself.
Painting. Seeing the sights
I’d always dreamed about:
The Leaning Tower.
The Pyramids.
The Taj Mahal.
I made a little watercolour
of them all.
But what was best,
What hands-down beat
the rest,
Was saying a none-too-fond
farewell to sex.
Until the day
I came home with this
drawing of Niagara
And he was sitting up in bed
rattling Viagra.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #22
[Ed.: The top of the letter has E(pi)+1=0, Euler's Identity. I am not sure why he wrote that.]
Dear KK--
Two letters from you late Friday-always a nice surprise! One was tow of your more "romantic" "Outside the Box" columns. Before getting to your letter, however:
If you don't think there is an economic bias in news coverage, you only had to see the "disaster coverage" these past two days. I'm sure you've seen the video of the wildfires around Santa Barbara, CA. Thirty homes were lost. Yesterday, massive flooding hit the hardscrabble, poverty-ridden hills of West Virginia: 500+ homes were lost. Of course they weren't million dollar ranch-style mansions/nor does a flooded ruined home make as spectacular a picture as a flaming torch filmed from a chopper. But rest assured the human toll & suffering in WVA will be incalculably larger--and the news coverage proportionately less.
Now, to your letter: You mentioned that you like hot better than cold. Once again, we are totally in sync. In my case--hot and humid. In an earlier discussion of Africa--I mentioned Djibouti-which sits near the equator on the Gulf of Aden. Along with Zanzibar [AND by the way, Delhi, INDIA in May & June just before the monsoon], one of the consistently hottest and most humid places on earth. Just lovely!
Surprised to hear "Lymelife" was such a disappointment. Not surprised to hear the same about "The Informers."
Looking at the adverts & previews of "THE SOLOIST" I wouldn't think I would like it much either. Most of these "uplifting" & "hopeful" films tend to wander off into saccharine, schmaltz & cliché. I will definitely see it if I get the opportunity.
Thank you for sharing about your mother. Is her illness controlled or manageable with medication, or is she hospitalized? My thoughts go to her on Mother's Day...
Downey, Jr. is a great talent. I thought he was excellent in "IRON MAN" - an unusual comic book/superhero-type film. I believe production on "IRON MAN 2" is already well underway.
Eyepatches, eh? A little bit kinky, a little bit rock n'roll! [With apologies to Donny & Marie.] There is of course the Russian guy on "LOST"...PLEASE send me a copy of one of your eyepatch photos! Perhaps you can use it on your Christmas card--put one on your Mini as well! Ok-I'll stop now.
DON'T GET MAD! At the risk of incurring the legendary "WRATH OF [Ed. my real last name]" or what Stephen King calls her "unending fury" in Christine, allow me to make the following statement:
YOU DO like SCIENCE-FICTION: GOOD SCIENCE- FICTION, KK!
"LOST" is outstanding science-fiction: but like all good/entertaining literature or TV/FILM: It is the characters and plot that propel the narrative. The fact that the narrative is fantastical or science-fiction OR WAR or Dickensian England or medicine is really secondary.
There is a tremendous amount of crappy, awful science-fiction. It's a genre--and everyone thinks they can write it. Same with fantasy, and "action movies" and"chick flicks"---and any other type of literature or film that you can name.
And OMG! I would hate to be on the band end of one of your reviews! I've been called a lot of things, but "nerd" just cuts to the bone:) Trust me--not since high school! I can only tell you that science-fiction has come a l-o-n-g way from the days of space operas & aliens & Star Trek-like simplistic plots.
The best science-fiction, like the best of anything, is-at its heart-outstanding literature. Same with film-and Lord knows there are a lot of bad SCI-FI FILMS...
Much of the above is tongue-in-cheek. But hating an entire genre is sort of like Jerry Seinfeld "impugning an entire continent" in the episode about the sniffing accountant and the mohair sweater...!
***
Thanks for the heads-up on the novel Flash Forward by Robert J. Sawyer. Anything that inspired J. J. Abrams to create "LOST" definitely sounds worth reading.
Could you, if you have the time, send me the "WIKIPEDIA" entry on the novel, or whatever you can find online? Thanks.
Now to a much more serious set of topics. You being a most intelligent & perceptive woman will understand my need to be somewhat vague...It is not a question of being "comfortable" discussing "certain details," it is a question of what is allowed.
Also, two of your assumptions are incorrect, but there is no way you could know... The sentence is not quite so cut & dried...as I said, subject to "conversations" & "discussions" regarding multiple past "incidents"... And with that in mind--the legal aspects are not all over... So "gory details" of all the above are not exactly open to unlimited discussion.
Hope this clears up some of what appears to be reticence or ambiguity. Thanks for caring, though. Please don't stop opening up...
I think I knew about your quieter, more cultural lifestyle & pursuits. You don't seem like a bar-hopping, party girl--although being the same myself back in the day, I know that doesn't mean you are not every bit as passionate & life-loving & exciting as anyone.
Final note on Alaska. Summer along the truly breath-taking coast from Seattle to Juneau is definitely the time to go. A long time ago, when my family was moving constantly from military base to military base, we lived in Fort Richardson, Alaska, near Anchorage. I was quite young, so my memories are not as vivid as they might otherwise be. It is also very difficult to recall childhood memories for vivid inclusion within one's memory palace.
Must get this in the mail. Will comment on "Patrick the Muse" and "Kelly & Scout" in my next letter. Enjoyed your scintillating if cruel [NERD! Really?!] letter :-). Hope to hear from you again soon. My recent letters should have provided a lot to ponder and comment upon...Take care, KK
Yours,
Michael
Dear KK--
Two letters from you late Friday-always a nice surprise! One was tow of your more "romantic" "Outside the Box" columns. Before getting to your letter, however:
If you don't think there is an economic bias in news coverage, you only had to see the "disaster coverage" these past two days. I'm sure you've seen the video of the wildfires around Santa Barbara, CA. Thirty homes were lost. Yesterday, massive flooding hit the hardscrabble, poverty-ridden hills of West Virginia: 500+ homes were lost. Of course they weren't million dollar ranch-style mansions/nor does a flooded ruined home make as spectacular a picture as a flaming torch filmed from a chopper. But rest assured the human toll & suffering in WVA will be incalculably larger--and the news coverage proportionately less.
Now, to your letter: You mentioned that you like hot better than cold. Once again, we are totally in sync. In my case--hot and humid. In an earlier discussion of Africa--I mentioned Djibouti-which sits near the equator on the Gulf of Aden. Along with Zanzibar [AND by the way, Delhi, INDIA in May & June just before the monsoon], one of the consistently hottest and most humid places on earth. Just lovely!
Surprised to hear "Lymelife" was such a disappointment. Not surprised to hear the same about "The Informers."
Looking at the adverts & previews of "THE SOLOIST" I wouldn't think I would like it much either. Most of these "uplifting" & "hopeful" films tend to wander off into saccharine, schmaltz & cliché. I will definitely see it if I get the opportunity.
Thank you for sharing about your mother. Is her illness controlled or manageable with medication, or is she hospitalized? My thoughts go to her on Mother's Day...
Downey, Jr. is a great talent. I thought he was excellent in "IRON MAN" - an unusual comic book/superhero-type film. I believe production on "IRON MAN 2" is already well underway.
Eyepatches, eh? A little bit kinky, a little bit rock n'roll! [With apologies to Donny & Marie.] There is of course the Russian guy on "LOST"...PLEASE send me a copy of one of your eyepatch photos! Perhaps you can use it on your Christmas card--put one on your Mini as well! Ok-I'll stop now.
DON'T GET MAD! At the risk of incurring the legendary "WRATH OF [Ed. my real last name]" or what Stephen King calls her "unending fury" in Christine, allow me to make the following statement:
YOU DO like SCIENCE-FICTION: GOOD SCIENCE- FICTION, KK!
"LOST" is outstanding science-fiction: but like all good/entertaining literature or TV/FILM: It is the characters and plot that propel the narrative. The fact that the narrative is fantastical or science-fiction OR WAR or Dickensian England or medicine is really secondary.
There is a tremendous amount of crappy, awful science-fiction. It's a genre--and everyone thinks they can write it. Same with fantasy, and "action movies" and"chick flicks"---and any other type of literature or film that you can name.
And OMG! I would hate to be on the band end of one of your reviews! I've been called a lot of things, but "nerd" just cuts to the bone:) Trust me--not since high school! I can only tell you that science-fiction has come a l-o-n-g way from the days of space operas & aliens & Star Trek-like simplistic plots.
The best science-fiction, like the best of anything, is-at its heart-outstanding literature. Same with film-and Lord knows there are a lot of bad SCI-FI FILMS...
Much of the above is tongue-in-cheek. But hating an entire genre is sort of like Jerry Seinfeld "impugning an entire continent" in the episode about the sniffing accountant and the mohair sweater...!
***
Thanks for the heads-up on the novel Flash Forward by Robert J. Sawyer. Anything that inspired J. J. Abrams to create "LOST" definitely sounds worth reading.
Could you, if you have the time, send me the "WIKIPEDIA" entry on the novel, or whatever you can find online? Thanks.
Now to a much more serious set of topics. You being a most intelligent & perceptive woman will understand my need to be somewhat vague...It is not a question of being "comfortable" discussing "certain details," it is a question of what is allowed.
Also, two of your assumptions are incorrect, but there is no way you could know... The sentence is not quite so cut & dried...as I said, subject to "conversations" & "discussions" regarding multiple past "incidents"... And with that in mind--the legal aspects are not all over... So "gory details" of all the above are not exactly open to unlimited discussion.
Hope this clears up some of what appears to be reticence or ambiguity. Thanks for caring, though. Please don't stop opening up...
I think I knew about your quieter, more cultural lifestyle & pursuits. You don't seem like a bar-hopping, party girl--although being the same myself back in the day, I know that doesn't mean you are not every bit as passionate & life-loving & exciting as anyone.
Final note on Alaska. Summer along the truly breath-taking coast from Seattle to Juneau is definitely the time to go. A long time ago, when my family was moving constantly from military base to military base, we lived in Fort Richardson, Alaska, near Anchorage. I was quite young, so my memories are not as vivid as they might otherwise be. It is also very difficult to recall childhood memories for vivid inclusion within one's memory palace.
Must get this in the mail. Will comment on "Patrick the Muse" and "Kelly & Scout" in my next letter. Enjoyed your scintillating if cruel [NERD! Really?!] letter :-). Hope to hear from you again soon. My recent letters should have provided a lot to ponder and comment upon...Take care, KK
Yours,
Michael
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #21
Dear KK---
Before continuing (and completing, I hope!)with your letter--brief comments on two televisions shows:
>"LOST": When this season ends on Wed 13 May, we'll have to put our heads together and try to future it all out. That would be a very caffeinated weekend! But I wanted to mention one of the truly excellent episodes from last season: THE CONSTANT. I happened to see it over the weekend again. You will recall that it is the story of Desmond--trapped in two time periods simultaneously. As a disgraced former soldier in 1996--and on the Widmore freighter in 04. We all know what happens when "time shift illness" goes unchecked: bleeding, coma, death. So possibly the most fascinating of all the "new" characters, Faraday, tells him that you must find an anchor, a constant in both time periods, or you will die like Eloise the mouse. And so he does: Penelope (Penny) Widmore...Somehow, KK, I can see millions of viewers privately asking themselves "What would my constant be?" Do I even have a constant?
And one more thought: J.J. Abrams has to "publish" the entire journal of Faraday. I have to believe the key to the whole series and many explanations are contained in that journal.
>"BREAKING BAD": If anything, Season II has been even better than Season I. The two "meth partners" are so richly drawn: The chemistry teacher Walter with terminal cancer who s-l-o-w-l-y get drawn deeper & deeper into his criminal enterprise/and Jesse--the archetypal low-life criminal who finds himself way over his head. He can act the touch guy, but he's just not a cold-blooded criminal.
You want stone-cold psycho--meet the ruthless drug dealer, "TUCO" they do business with in the last few episodes of Season I.
Plus the show has the hallmark of all good series or films: strong supporting actors, especially Walter's very pregnant wife.
***
Paul Janka definitely sounds like a very strange person. Dr. Phil and MTV-that sounds about right! Just out of curiosity, I will have to catch him on MTV if he ends up there just to see what all the fuss is about! "The worst man in the world"-that is a tough title to hold onto. The whole thing would make an interesting chapter in your future memoir.
Now to the more serious subject about which you are "very curious." Again, I would be too, and none of your questions upset me or bother me. The most important thing for me is that I'm not that person anymore. The singular experience of being here and the passage of time has made that happen. There was no overnight transformation or any "come to Jesus" moment. Such a change is, by definition, gradual & incremental.
There are quite a few clinical definitions of "sociopath," but we're both familiar with the gist. There is no question that "back in the day"* I had some of those traits. Actually, part of the rather complicated story are some conversations concerning then and now...
*Sorry, an O.G. expression one picks up!
Can't really say anymore. However, to answer some of your questions insofar as possible:
>As I said, I did have some of those traits, but there was also much that wasn't a part of my self or personality. Most of my medicine was actually very good-lives were saved. Never have I gotten any pleasure from anyone's pain or suffering. As mentioned before, I have a deep & gut-level revulsion to torture or mistreatment of anyone at anytime. A contradiction in light of some actions "back in the day"? To be sure. But again, I no longer have those traits that caused me to end up here. And believe me, I'm not just saying that.
>Conscience is a tricky concept. While it clearly has some "gaps" "back in the day", it now feels and seems to be complete and "normal", if there is such a thing.
I hope the above explains my ill-chosen comment about the "bad heart". Clearly not an actual heart problem, but what I talk about above.
Trying to "answer the questions posed..." First (and only) spouse was a nurse (big surprise there...) with children from a previous marriage, when very young. She and I were great before, but much like you said, living together proved to be another matter.
I should add that her look (you asked about my type) was totally different than Kristin or anyone else. And some part of the relationship were totally fulfilling and all-consuming.
I would like to say more--regarding more, intimate contact, but I will wait until we are a bit more comfortable talking & sharing.
Also on that other subject--your questions: 1) Yes 2) I do know what they look like 3) Can't discuss. [Ed.: He is referring to his children in Africa, I believe.]
On a related topic from a previous letter: Where is that woman that you mentioned? Sounds like she is not in a "good place" ---either in actuality or psychologically. Let me know if there is anything I can say to help her or raise her spirits. [Ed.: I'm not sure who he is referring to.]
Regarding conditions: suffice to say that there are as many degrees of incarceration as there are degrees of freedom...Before he went to the MCC, Bernie Madoff lived in that luxury apartment... there are hundreds living in tent cities near Sacramento...you get the idea...
Since I have a few more minutes--a couple of times I neglected to mention from previous letters:
>"Angelina Jolie of India"--loved the photos. Totally reminded me of African villages & cities. The serious & good part of your article is that at least you know how billions [yes, billions with a "b"] of people--the majority of them under 18--live every day. Most Americans have no idea. None.
Believe me, KK, that fact alone makes you and I closer than you can imagine. I only hope you'll let that grow and flourish.
>On a totally different subject, but strangely segued from the horrendously filthy Indian "restroom"...Your old blog entry on buying jeans at Barneys...OH MY GOD, KK! So well-written, I'll bet your every person who read it felt they had to "go" after finishing the story. I think it is the stark contrast between the luxury & extravagance of the store & the people --all so lovely and proper & non-excretory & smelling so good of the holidays...versus the brutal urgency of the functions of the human body...and as you call it, the ultimate act of necessity & defilement--right there at Barney's! Very funny, but also most instructive.
Two more comments:
1) It's comforting to know that civilization has not progressed when it comes to finding a pair of jeans that fit!
2) Curious if any of your female readers responded with any similar stories of their own?!
[I read somewhere that the new Yankee stadium has the so-called "parity" in restrooms for women with men.]
I could actually go on--so much to talk about with you, and so much I hope we can talk about one day. But I will stop for the week and wait for your next letter or letters. [I hope :-)]
Let me wish you a very happy & safe birthday, KK. You are clearly a very intelligent and very sensual 39, with many amazing years ahead of you. Will be thinking of you...and at your stroke of midnight on Friday the 15th when it becomes the 16th : 2200 hrs my time!
Take care & write soon, KK
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Enjoy Carnage>I read some great blurbs from review.
P.P.S. Please tell me what music moves you or touches you. I barely scratched the surface and will say more.
Before continuing (and completing, I hope!)with your letter--brief comments on two televisions shows:
>"LOST": When this season ends on Wed 13 May, we'll have to put our heads together and try to future it all out. That would be a very caffeinated weekend! But I wanted to mention one of the truly excellent episodes from last season: THE CONSTANT. I happened to see it over the weekend again. You will recall that it is the story of Desmond--trapped in two time periods simultaneously. As a disgraced former soldier in 1996--and on the Widmore freighter in 04. We all know what happens when "time shift illness" goes unchecked: bleeding, coma, death. So possibly the most fascinating of all the "new" characters, Faraday, tells him that you must find an anchor, a constant in both time periods, or you will die like Eloise the mouse. And so he does: Penelope (Penny) Widmore...Somehow, KK, I can see millions of viewers privately asking themselves "What would my constant be?" Do I even have a constant?
And one more thought: J.J. Abrams has to "publish" the entire journal of Faraday. I have to believe the key to the whole series and many explanations are contained in that journal.
>"BREAKING BAD": If anything, Season II has been even better than Season I. The two "meth partners" are so richly drawn: The chemistry teacher Walter with terminal cancer who s-l-o-w-l-y get drawn deeper & deeper into his criminal enterprise/and Jesse--the archetypal low-life criminal who finds himself way over his head. He can act the touch guy, but he's just not a cold-blooded criminal.
You want stone-cold psycho--meet the ruthless drug dealer, "TUCO" they do business with in the last few episodes of Season I.
Plus the show has the hallmark of all good series or films: strong supporting actors, especially Walter's very pregnant wife.
***
Paul Janka definitely sounds like a very strange person. Dr. Phil and MTV-that sounds about right! Just out of curiosity, I will have to catch him on MTV if he ends up there just to see what all the fuss is about! "The worst man in the world"-that is a tough title to hold onto. The whole thing would make an interesting chapter in your future memoir.
Now to the more serious subject about which you are "very curious." Again, I would be too, and none of your questions upset me or bother me. The most important thing for me is that I'm not that person anymore. The singular experience of being here and the passage of time has made that happen. There was no overnight transformation or any "come to Jesus" moment. Such a change is, by definition, gradual & incremental.
There are quite a few clinical definitions of "sociopath," but we're both familiar with the gist. There is no question that "back in the day"* I had some of those traits. Actually, part of the rather complicated story are some conversations concerning then and now...
*Sorry, an O.G. expression one picks up!
Can't really say anymore. However, to answer some of your questions insofar as possible:
>As I said, I did have some of those traits, but there was also much that wasn't a part of my self or personality. Most of my medicine was actually very good-lives were saved. Never have I gotten any pleasure from anyone's pain or suffering. As mentioned before, I have a deep & gut-level revulsion to torture or mistreatment of anyone at anytime. A contradiction in light of some actions "back in the day"? To be sure. But again, I no longer have those traits that caused me to end up here. And believe me, I'm not just saying that.
>Conscience is a tricky concept. While it clearly has some "gaps" "back in the day", it now feels and seems to be complete and "normal", if there is such a thing.
I hope the above explains my ill-chosen comment about the "bad heart". Clearly not an actual heart problem, but what I talk about above.
Trying to "answer the questions posed..." First (and only) spouse was a nurse (big surprise there...) with children from a previous marriage, when very young. She and I were great before, but much like you said, living together proved to be another matter.
I should add that her look (you asked about my type) was totally different than Kristin or anyone else. And some part of the relationship were totally fulfilling and all-consuming.
I would like to say more--regarding more, intimate contact, but I will wait until we are a bit more comfortable talking & sharing.
Also on that other subject--your questions: 1) Yes 2) I do know what they look like 3) Can't discuss. [Ed.: He is referring to his children in Africa, I believe.]
On a related topic from a previous letter: Where is that woman that you mentioned? Sounds like she is not in a "good place" ---either in actuality or psychologically. Let me know if there is anything I can say to help her or raise her spirits. [Ed.: I'm not sure who he is referring to.]
Regarding conditions: suffice to say that there are as many degrees of incarceration as there are degrees of freedom...Before he went to the MCC, Bernie Madoff lived in that luxury apartment... there are hundreds living in tent cities near Sacramento...you get the idea...
Since I have a few more minutes--a couple of times I neglected to mention from previous letters:
>"Angelina Jolie of India"--loved the photos. Totally reminded me of African villages & cities. The serious & good part of your article is that at least you know how billions [yes, billions with a "b"] of people--the majority of them under 18--live every day. Most Americans have no idea. None.
Believe me, KK, that fact alone makes you and I closer than you can imagine. I only hope you'll let that grow and flourish.
>On a totally different subject, but strangely segued from the horrendously filthy Indian "restroom"...Your old blog entry on buying jeans at Barneys...OH MY GOD, KK! So well-written, I'll bet your every person who read it felt they had to "go" after finishing the story. I think it is the stark contrast between the luxury & extravagance of the store & the people --all so lovely and proper & non-excretory & smelling so good of the holidays...versus the brutal urgency of the functions of the human body...and as you call it, the ultimate act of necessity & defilement--right there at Barney's! Very funny, but also most instructive.
Two more comments:
1) It's comforting to know that civilization has not progressed when it comes to finding a pair of jeans that fit!
2) Curious if any of your female readers responded with any similar stories of their own?!
[I read somewhere that the new Yankee stadium has the so-called "parity" in restrooms for women with men.]
I could actually go on--so much to talk about with you, and so much I hope we can talk about one day. But I will stop for the week and wait for your next letter or letters. [I hope :-)]
Let me wish you a very happy & safe birthday, KK. You are clearly a very intelligent and very sensual 39, with many amazing years ahead of you. Will be thinking of you...and at your stroke of midnight on Friday the 15th when it becomes the 16th : 2200 hrs my time!
Take care & write soon, KK
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Enjoy Carnage>I read some great blurbs from review.
P.P.S. Please tell me what music moves you or touches you. I barely scratched the surface and will say more.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #5
Kelly!
It's been a lovely day. Sun and a breeze in the 70s, a perfect spring day. The sunlight comes in my window as it rises and it warms me just right first thing in the morning. I love how the sun energizes me. What a gift! I'm glad you recovered completely from your bout with food poisoning. God, that's awful. I had food poisoning or something Christmas Eve (2007) and ended up in the infirmary hooked up to an IV and puked violently for sixteen hours, eve AFTER the shot of phegren. HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! It's like puking your toenails up from the inside out, the being smacked around by a Peterbuilt. My sympathies.
I'd like a picture of Mini. I just adore dogs. I got to se Dewey, the dog I trained at Rockville to assist the handicapped. He's a beautiful red haired Golden. Perfect little guy. I adore the shit out of him.
As much as you enjoy memoirs, autobiographies, I think it'd be great for your to write one. I've found it's hard for me to write from the first person. I'm so close to my life. It's easier to write about something when you are a bit detached. But you are accustomed to writing about yourself obviously.
I like the way you write. Odd, articulate, funny, neurotic, yet strangely familiar. I think I've cracked up a few times while reading your articles, sometimes so hard I nearly piss on myself. I'm not traditionally funny; I'm a dry humor girl. In the movie theater I'm the one laughing when no one else is. Sometimes I embarrass my cowatchers. Oh well. Fuck it. Life's too short not to express ourselves with laughter.
Laughter feels good.
Anyway, if your life is interesting enough for people to read your articles and blog for years, I'm sure you can get published. Yay! A new adventure for you.
I don't' know what the laws are about inmates writing and being published.. I'm looking for an attorney now. I think if it's based on the crime, then I can't profit from it, but I don't know. There are two basic areas I want to cover--my life and the transformation of me as a woman, a spiritual human being through my life, crime, prison stay, escape and the events following it. Then, others are also interested in my life, crime, how I escape, what I did, etc. -- more true crime sort of thing. It could be separated into two books really. And another book is being written by my wife's husband, about her life, of which includes a section or two on me. I got the intro chapter tonight. God, it's weird reading about myself written through someone else's eyes. Imagine the people you have dated/married feel strange reading what you've written about them. How do you feel about broadcasting their personal lives? Have they ever been upset with you about what you've written?
I'm not familiar with Bart. I don't watch much TV, not at all. NASCAR races, a little pro-football, Hell's Kitchen, and when Rock Star aired, I watched both seasons. But otherwise if it's not on History or Discovery Channels, I don't watch it. I did watch the primary coverage and the Presidential debates, though. Neat that you felt compelled to write to Bart. What I find awful is that they government even has the death penalty--let's kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong. Do they list HOMICIDE on the death certificate?
I grabbed an Augusten Burroughs book to check out one of your favorites. Haven't started it yet.
I wonder if suicidal tendencies are more prevalent in people who are right brain dominant?
I hope you find your purpose and are filled with joy and completeness when you do those things.
What bring you joy? What makes you smile?
As far as what AMW and the later news reports got wrong, I don't' have all the transcripts from them. I have a transcript my friend typed out from the 14 Feb airing, but otherwise must go from what others told me or the one I saw. I wish I had transcripts from each of the airings. I do know I was offended when they said I was prostituting with a heavy cocaine habit, and that they found me in a drug-infested neighborhood. How untrue! But they can say things like this because no one will check their facts. Jerks. And much more, but it'll only serve to irritate me to go into. Yes, my book will correct the media.
Summer heat is coming. No A/C here. Some fans. I'll be sweating off the sounds for sure. I've lost some already. Unavoidable the way they feed us. No complaints though. I don't expect 4-start treatment. I got a bit of that while out, though. Big, king sized beds, Egyptian cotton sheets, plush bath robes, white tablecloths, restaurants, a few. Nice. Fun. Not bad for a bitch on the run, eh?
Have you started your cooking class? I love to cook. I'd like to get into the Culinary Arts program or the Horticulture program. Learn to grow, learn to cook. I know how to eat. :-) Veggies are so good for you. I hated many of them as a kid if they weren't doused in cheese or ranch sauce. Found out I like them a lot more while out. I guess it's the adult palate.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
You look lovely--you aren't old. Though, I know it makes you look at your life, like, shit, I'm 39 and where is it going? We're at the halfway mark and I'm single and wondering if I'll find that person who compliments me, shares my wacky sense of humor, brings me joy, can righteously fuck me, deal with my bullshit, keeps a job, shares some goals, and if I'm real lucky doesn't more or leave his beard trimmings in the sink. Companionship is nice, but it's also having someone there to acknowledge you and be a witness to your life, and appreciate all of you, the parts your friends can't get. That intimacy is special. I've been lucky in my life to have shared some deep intimacies with some fantastic men and women lovers and had a sexual, mental, and spiritual connection. Otherworldly chemistry.
I'm a lucky woman. Most of the time.
I fully believe I will leave my mark on the world, in a better way than being America's Most Wanted Woman. That's so horrible. I so don't want that to be my legacy. God, no. But I'll use it as a stepping stone to something greater.
I hope this finds you well. I love your articles. They make me laugh. I always invite laughter into my life. So good. Healing!
Take care,
Sarah
It's been a lovely day. Sun and a breeze in the 70s, a perfect spring day. The sunlight comes in my window as it rises and it warms me just right first thing in the morning. I love how the sun energizes me. What a gift! I'm glad you recovered completely from your bout with food poisoning. God, that's awful. I had food poisoning or something Christmas Eve (2007) and ended up in the infirmary hooked up to an IV and puked violently for sixteen hours, eve AFTER the shot of phegren. HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! It's like puking your toenails up from the inside out, the being smacked around by a Peterbuilt. My sympathies.
I'd like a picture of Mini. I just adore dogs. I got to se Dewey, the dog I trained at Rockville to assist the handicapped. He's a beautiful red haired Golden. Perfect little guy. I adore the shit out of him.
As much as you enjoy memoirs, autobiographies, I think it'd be great for your to write one. I've found it's hard for me to write from the first person. I'm so close to my life. It's easier to write about something when you are a bit detached. But you are accustomed to writing about yourself obviously.
I like the way you write. Odd, articulate, funny, neurotic, yet strangely familiar. I think I've cracked up a few times while reading your articles, sometimes so hard I nearly piss on myself. I'm not traditionally funny; I'm a dry humor girl. In the movie theater I'm the one laughing when no one else is. Sometimes I embarrass my cowatchers. Oh well. Fuck it. Life's too short not to express ourselves with laughter.
Laughter feels good.
Anyway, if your life is interesting enough for people to read your articles and blog for years, I'm sure you can get published. Yay! A new adventure for you.
I don't' know what the laws are about inmates writing and being published.. I'm looking for an attorney now. I think if it's based on the crime, then I can't profit from it, but I don't know. There are two basic areas I want to cover--my life and the transformation of me as a woman, a spiritual human being through my life, crime, prison stay, escape and the events following it. Then, others are also interested in my life, crime, how I escape, what I did, etc. -- more true crime sort of thing. It could be separated into two books really. And another book is being written by my wife's husband, about her life, of which includes a section or two on me. I got the intro chapter tonight. God, it's weird reading about myself written through someone else's eyes. Imagine the people you have dated/married feel strange reading what you've written about them. How do you feel about broadcasting their personal lives? Have they ever been upset with you about what you've written?
I'm not familiar with Bart. I don't watch much TV, not at all. NASCAR races, a little pro-football, Hell's Kitchen, and when Rock Star aired, I watched both seasons. But otherwise if it's not on History or Discovery Channels, I don't watch it. I did watch the primary coverage and the Presidential debates, though. Neat that you felt compelled to write to Bart. What I find awful is that they government even has the death penalty--let's kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong. Do they list HOMICIDE on the death certificate?
I grabbed an Augusten Burroughs book to check out one of your favorites. Haven't started it yet.
I wonder if suicidal tendencies are more prevalent in people who are right brain dominant?
I hope you find your purpose and are filled with joy and completeness when you do those things.
What bring you joy? What makes you smile?
As far as what AMW and the later news reports got wrong, I don't' have all the transcripts from them. I have a transcript my friend typed out from the 14 Feb airing, but otherwise must go from what others told me or the one I saw. I wish I had transcripts from each of the airings. I do know I was offended when they said I was prostituting with a heavy cocaine habit, and that they found me in a drug-infested neighborhood. How untrue! But they can say things like this because no one will check their facts. Jerks. And much more, but it'll only serve to irritate me to go into. Yes, my book will correct the media.
Summer heat is coming. No A/C here. Some fans. I'll be sweating off the sounds for sure. I've lost some already. Unavoidable the way they feed us. No complaints though. I don't expect 4-start treatment. I got a bit of that while out, though. Big, king sized beds, Egyptian cotton sheets, plush bath robes, white tablecloths, restaurants, a few. Nice. Fun. Not bad for a bitch on the run, eh?
Have you started your cooking class? I love to cook. I'd like to get into the Culinary Arts program or the Horticulture program. Learn to grow, learn to cook. I know how to eat. :-) Veggies are so good for you. I hated many of them as a kid if they weren't doused in cheese or ranch sauce. Found out I like them a lot more while out. I guess it's the adult palate.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
You look lovely--you aren't old. Though, I know it makes you look at your life, like, shit, I'm 39 and where is it going? We're at the halfway mark and I'm single and wondering if I'll find that person who compliments me, shares my wacky sense of humor, brings me joy, can righteously fuck me, deal with my bullshit, keeps a job, shares some goals, and if I'm real lucky doesn't more or leave his beard trimmings in the sink. Companionship is nice, but it's also having someone there to acknowledge you and be a witness to your life, and appreciate all of you, the parts your friends can't get. That intimacy is special. I've been lucky in my life to have shared some deep intimacies with some fantastic men and women lovers and had a sexual, mental, and spiritual connection. Otherworldly chemistry.
I'm a lucky woman. Most of the time.
I fully believe I will leave my mark on the world, in a better way than being America's Most Wanted Woman. That's so horrible. I so don't want that to be my legacy. God, no. But I'll use it as a stepping stone to something greater.
I hope this finds you well. I love your articles. They make me laugh. I always invite laughter into my life. So good. Healing!
Take care,
Sarah
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #20
Dear KK---
Hi! I must begin by correcting my error in my previous letter, which I am sure you noticed. The author Dave Eggers, is of course, alive and well. [Coincidentally, he is only two months older than you!] It was the actual author of INFINITE JEST, David Foster Wallace, who committed suicide on 12 SEP 08. My apologies-somehow the two "Davids" got crossed in my mind.
Turning to your long letter with covered soooo many intriguing & talk-worthy topics, and of course asked those deeply penetrating questions that I continue to encourage :-) [Once again from the beginning.]
Yes, I'm familiar with what Williamsburg is known for, but I've never spent any time there. I have spent several hours stuck on the Williamsburg Bridge, however. I can tell from your comments that it is not your favorite part of New York! "Billysburg"? Sounds like a term invented by a Manhattanite! Anyway, far more exciting is learning about still another side of the ever-fascinating & increasingly complex Kelly K [I love "complex," by the way!] Jewelry designer! Very cool. Plus a most original concept of using letters, numbers, & symbols that have "unique" relationships& meaning "to every individual. Your even have yearly "collection." Does this involve using tools for cutting shaping, polishing, embellishing the items that you turn into jewelry? Most interesting, KK.
Sounds like you have already adapted to the burgeoning barter economy that is supposedly a hallmark of this recession. Trading used designer/vintage clothing for a vintage leather motorcycle jacket. So what was on the back--"Born to Lose," or "Sons of Anarchy"*?!
OK-so make the book a memoir. Based on the little I've heard so far, and more importantly-your exuberance & passion--I have no doubt that you have had a "very weird & interesting life." and that "many wacky things" have happened to you. I truly hope that you will mention & share as much as you can--because I do want to know you more deeply...I have a sense that you and I could begin telling each other stories & events of our lives, and we would still be together & talking a week later, and longer.
And since I've reached that point in your letter---let me repeat what I said previously: I do sense that you are a very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." You are also clearly a survivor (as am I...) -- and I want to know this very dark and fascinating woman much much better. Her essence and her core.
You mentioned that Diane Arbus tried to capture the "essence of 'freaks'". Can't let that pass without mentioning the amazing 1932 film by Todd Browning: "FREAKS". I'm sure you have seen it. One of the more unique films ever made.
Another colorful tile in the complex, multi-colored mosaic called Kelly K" your interest in boxing! Thank you for the well-written review by David Edelstein. Every review that I have either read or heard has been equally positive. I think a lot of folks, reviewers included, had the same reaction. They had stereotyped Tyson as a washed-up boxer who ruined career, etc., etc. But clearly the filmmaker, via Tyson's own words, has revealed him as a far more multi-sided individual.
Why am I not at all surprised that you used date an executive producer at SHOWTIME! I believe you could write on entire separate memoir regarding "Adventure in Dating."
Curious what you thought of Norman Mailer's interest in & fascination with boxing...
So much to talk about. When I run out of time I will pop this in the mail---and then finish my letter/your long letter/later tonight & tomorrow. That will probably be my last letter with 42 cent postage, as it goes up by 2 Cent on Sunday (5/10).
Still another tantalizing comment, that you had a "very odd childhood" that is "too long to get into". But would love to hear more when you can. As you may already know if it's on Google---I was an Army brat-so we moved every year or two to various military bases... I didn't go to the same school for two consecutive years until I was in high school. Pretty typical of hundreds of thousands Army brats I'm sure.
I think it is totally cute that you are a dachshund aficionado, KK.
Hello, Mini!
OK--Must get this in the mail. Quite a bit more to follow...Paul Janka... ALICE...the UK...Google ... sociopaths...I truly appreciate the fact that you are curious, and just want to try to understand. Will do my best, because I want you to know me--all of me/inside & out--as I am now. Not just the ominous individual now. Not just the ominous individual portrayed on google, etc.
Will explain "bad heart". Clearly that was a teaser comment at the end of a letter. If you didn't ask about it, I would be surprised---just like your comments on being a "very dark person"! Must know more!
Take care, KK. Thinking of you & hope to hear from you soon. Be well & stay safe.
Yours,
Michael
Hi! I must begin by correcting my error in my previous letter, which I am sure you noticed. The author Dave Eggers, is of course, alive and well. [Coincidentally, he is only two months older than you!] It was the actual author of INFINITE JEST, David Foster Wallace, who committed suicide on 12 SEP 08. My apologies-somehow the two "Davids" got crossed in my mind.
Turning to your long letter with covered soooo many intriguing & talk-worthy topics, and of course asked those deeply penetrating questions that I continue to encourage :-) [Once again from the beginning.]
Yes, I'm familiar with what Williamsburg is known for, but I've never spent any time there. I have spent several hours stuck on the Williamsburg Bridge, however. I can tell from your comments that it is not your favorite part of New York! "Billysburg"? Sounds like a term invented by a Manhattanite! Anyway, far more exciting is learning about still another side of the ever-fascinating & increasingly complex Kelly K [I love "complex," by the way!] Jewelry designer! Very cool. Plus a most original concept of using letters, numbers, & symbols that have "unique" relationships& meaning "to every individual. Your even have yearly "collection." Does this involve using tools for cutting shaping, polishing, embellishing the items that you turn into jewelry? Most interesting, KK.
Sounds like you have already adapted to the burgeoning barter economy that is supposedly a hallmark of this recession. Trading used designer/vintage clothing for a vintage leather motorcycle jacket. So what was on the back--"Born to Lose," or "Sons of Anarchy"*?!
OK-so make the book a memoir. Based on the little I've heard so far, and more importantly-your exuberance & passion--I have no doubt that you have had a "very weird & interesting life." and that "many wacky things" have happened to you. I truly hope that you will mention & share as much as you can--because I do want to know you more deeply...I have a sense that you and I could begin telling each other stories & events of our lives, and we would still be together & talking a week later, and longer.
And since I've reached that point in your letter---let me repeat what I said previously: I do sense that you are a very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." You are also clearly a survivor (as am I...) -- and I want to know this very dark and fascinating woman much much better. Her essence and her core.
You mentioned that Diane Arbus tried to capture the "essence of 'freaks'". Can't let that pass without mentioning the amazing 1932 film by Todd Browning: "FREAKS". I'm sure you have seen it. One of the more unique films ever made.
Another colorful tile in the complex, multi-colored mosaic called Kelly K" your interest in boxing! Thank you for the well-written review by David Edelstein. Every review that I have either read or heard has been equally positive. I think a lot of folks, reviewers included, had the same reaction. They had stereotyped Tyson as a washed-up boxer who ruined career, etc., etc. But clearly the filmmaker, via Tyson's own words, has revealed him as a far more multi-sided individual.
Why am I not at all surprised that you used date an executive producer at SHOWTIME! I believe you could write on entire separate memoir regarding "Adventure in Dating."
Curious what you thought of Norman Mailer's interest in & fascination with boxing...
So much to talk about. When I run out of time I will pop this in the mail---and then finish my letter/your long letter/later tonight & tomorrow. That will probably be my last letter with 42 cent postage, as it goes up by 2 Cent on Sunday (5/10).
Still another tantalizing comment, that you had a "very odd childhood" that is "too long to get into". But would love to hear more when you can. As you may already know if it's on Google---I was an Army brat-so we moved every year or two to various military bases... I didn't go to the same school for two consecutive years until I was in high school. Pretty typical of hundreds of thousands Army brats I'm sure.
I think it is totally cute that you are a dachshund aficionado, KK.
Hello, Mini!
OK--Must get this in the mail. Quite a bit more to follow...Paul Janka... ALICE...the UK...Google ... sociopaths...I truly appreciate the fact that you are curious, and just want to try to understand. Will do my best, because I want you to know me--all of me/inside & out--as I am now. Not just the ominous individual now. Not just the ominous individual portrayed on google, etc.
Will explain "bad heart". Clearly that was a teaser comment at the end of a letter. If you didn't ask about it, I would be surprised---just like your comments on being a "very dark person"! Must know more!
Take care, KK. Thinking of you & hope to hear from you soon. Be well & stay safe.
Yours,
Michael
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #19
Hi KK---
A bit late getting my next letter to you finished (That will be a long one, to be sure!)--should be able to mail it out to you tomorrow. In the meantime several articles from this past week that I thought you might find interesting:
>Thought of you immediately when I saw this essay by David McCullough on a proposed large building near the Brooklyn Bridge. Having seen that incredible view myself from a multitude of angles, I must agree that it sounds like a remarkably ill-conceived and bad idea. The photo tells the story.
[KK: Somewhat interesting story on the reverse: "Generation Me" --although it pretty well describes the obvious.]
>Dahlia Lithwick: "Women: Truly The Fairer Sex"--on a potential female Supreme Court Justice to replace Souter.
>Brief but poignant story on the death of Marilyn Chambers...
>The last column is another one by Dahlia Lithwick-but I include it mainly to tell you a bit more about me, so you can know me a little more deeply. As will be much more discussed in my next letter [your questions about "sociopaths," etc.] and letters to follow. I have done some terrible things. But I am viscerally and violently opposed to torture or mistreatment of anyone "in custody" or under someone's control at any time, anywhere. This is not just a philosophical opinion--I literally turn away when Jack Bauer pulls out his bag of tricks on "24". Remember the first season of "Lost", when Sayid tortures Sawyer? Very hard to forget... Those photos from Abu Ghraib referenced in Lithwick's article...truly angers me.
I tell you this, first, for the reason above, but also to let you know that I am well aware of the contradiction with past conduct. I'm not that person anymore. Again-more on all this to follow; but it's important to me that you know I will say & write as deeply and intensely as you allow-so you can know me: inside and out, the light side and the dark (that we have in common!)...
Regarding the actual story--I don't believe there will be any serious investigation. Everyone in power & recently out of power just want it to go away.
Let me get these articles in the mail. Long(er) letter to follow. Take care, KK, and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Over the weekend, I saw a repeat of that amazing Season IV "LOST" episode entitled [THE CONSTANT]. Comments to follow...
[Ed.: All the articles he mentioned were enclosed along with this letter. As he does with his letters, he also underlines certain things in the clippings. One underlining in the story about how we are raising a nation of narcissists is particularly interesting: "Ever read the original ending to Cinderella? The evil stepsisters get their eyes plucked out by pigeons and end up beggars."]
A bit late getting my next letter to you finished (That will be a long one, to be sure!)--should be able to mail it out to you tomorrow. In the meantime several articles from this past week that I thought you might find interesting:
>Thought of you immediately when I saw this essay by David McCullough on a proposed large building near the Brooklyn Bridge. Having seen that incredible view myself from a multitude of angles, I must agree that it sounds like a remarkably ill-conceived and bad idea. The photo tells the story.
[KK: Somewhat interesting story on the reverse: "Generation Me" --although it pretty well describes the obvious.]
>Dahlia Lithwick: "Women: Truly The Fairer Sex"--on a potential female Supreme Court Justice to replace Souter.
>Brief but poignant story on the death of Marilyn Chambers...
>The last column is another one by Dahlia Lithwick-but I include it mainly to tell you a bit more about me, so you can know me a little more deeply. As will be much more discussed in my next letter [your questions about "sociopaths," etc.] and letters to follow. I have done some terrible things. But I am viscerally and violently opposed to torture or mistreatment of anyone "in custody" or under someone's control at any time, anywhere. This is not just a philosophical opinion--I literally turn away when Jack Bauer pulls out his bag of tricks on "24". Remember the first season of "Lost", when Sayid tortures Sawyer? Very hard to forget... Those photos from Abu Ghraib referenced in Lithwick's article...truly angers me.
I tell you this, first, for the reason above, but also to let you know that I am well aware of the contradiction with past conduct. I'm not that person anymore. Again-more on all this to follow; but it's important to me that you know I will say & write as deeply and intensely as you allow-so you can know me: inside and out, the light side and the dark (that we have in common!)...
Regarding the actual story--I don't believe there will be any serious investigation. Everyone in power & recently out of power just want it to go away.
Let me get these articles in the mail. Long(er) letter to follow. Take care, KK, and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Over the weekend, I saw a repeat of that amazing Season IV "LOST" episode entitled [THE CONSTANT]. Comments to follow...
[Ed.: All the articles he mentioned were enclosed along with this letter. As he does with his letters, he also underlines certain things in the clippings. One underlining in the story about how we are raising a nation of narcissists is particularly interesting: "Ever read the original ending to Cinderella? The evil stepsisters get their eyes plucked out by pigeons and end up beggars."]
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #18
Dear KK---
Hello again! Let me finish what we were talking about yesterday, and then return to your first letter...then again: "Men Plan, God Laughs", so we'll see if I can make that happen, given your letters' strange power to make me wander far and wide...
Once again, sorry you were "floored" by the very tragic story of another "KK". But they're only initials--and as I tried to make clear, it seems that every girl or woman with those initials in whatever combination claims them as her own. And again, why not? The alliteration is irresistible. So far I have not met people with identical names, both beginning with "K".
Much sadder is the inevitable fallout from suicide. The accusations and blame came years later...You are so right--that "suicide is always such a tragedy"; especially for those who remain to try to ponder the almost always unknowable: WHY? As you can imagine, her family struggled with that at the time, and I'm sure continue to do so today. I was reading a story, reprinted from the Times about the fallout from the recent suicide of Nicholas Hughes, son of Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes--and already there is analysis & recriminations from the [sometimes] fanatical followers of Ms. Plath and those who knew Mr. Hughes only as the brilliant scientist he was.
Anyway, thank you for your condolences. But I am fine (not ecstatic, but OK!) talking about it--now. And to repeat: I'm not squeamish about it; you did not upset me; and nothing you could ask could "irk" me. I totally understand your curiosity---just as I am very curious about the side of you that is a "very dark person who knows the pain of life". I want to explore that completely if you will allow us to do so. And of course, I promise to let you explore & know me as deeply as you wish. With that in mind-let me return to your first letter, and begin with the question of dating: Did you have a type?
***
Trying to be objective-I would say no, insofar as a particular "look" is concerned; but the mind & brain are something else again. Sexuality and sensuality are far more than looks and appearance--intelligence, curiosity, sense of humor, and an ability & willingness to commit totally emotionally...But I have strong feeling that you know that. [KK--What this means is of course a whole other letter or letters!] But again, as I mentioned yesterday, it's been my experience that relatively few men and women are willing to explore that depth of a relationship.
Wow! Hope I'm not getting too deep in the weeds here, but I did want to answer... Continuing with your letter:
David Sedaris: I am familiar with what he writes, but I've not had the pleasure of reading any of his books. I've read some excerpts and reviews and (I think) some short pieces--and what I read was very funny. Do send that most recent New Yorker piece, about the train-smoking, low-life crush.
[On a related note--and trying to provide you with a glimpse into dealing with incarceration: Laughing & humor are very important to both physical & mental health. By now I can probably tell you the plotlines ++ of all 180 Seinfeld episodes and many more. We've already discussed STARVED...how about ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA?]
With the dark & the bleak...plus humor...can you imagine that black comedy is one of my favorites.
Thanks for the New York magazine piece on Cindy Sherman, et. al. Plus I like your attitude about New York, KK! I actually like your attitude about most everything. By the way, the other New York stories with Cindy Sherman's were also intriguing, especially one of the true survivors: Larry Kramer. I've followed his life story (or tried to) since reading the late Randy Shilt's landmark work on the early days of the AIDS pandemic: And The Band Played On
Look forward to whatever you can send re Cindy Sherman & her work. Good luck with your printer.
[A brief but important aside: Some day the full story of the greatest pandemic since the Black Plague will be told. AIDS of course. And especially the utterly shameful neglect & ignorance of the 1980s in America. With no leadership at all from those entrusted with health care and common sense.
There is easily an entire letter on this subject, but let me go for now.]
As you may recall "Hell Hole" focused on several state facilities. Much, much better here in comparison. No roommates. As much as I can, will try to give you a sense of the "experience" in a future letter(s). You might be surprised (or maybe not, you are very perceptive) that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Pretty much go non-stop M-F---and catch up on weekends.
THE KINDLY ONES by Jonathan Lithell [Ed.: Both Swango and Whitaker both seem highly interested in this book.] is one of two hugely controversial European novels that have recently been translated and published in the U.S. THE KINDLY ONES (French) is the massive tome---a memoir by an ex-Nazi SS member. The other book is WETLANDS, German, a "feminist" novel apparently controversial for her explicit & graphic subjects and writing. Both were highly praised by European critics---not so much this side of the pond.
However--always a fan of l-o-n-g, complex novels, I have them both on my future reading list once they come out in paperback.
Two related points:
>Another massive but brilliant novel I want to read is INFINITE JEST, the magnum opus of still another recent tragic, mind-numbing suicide, the author Dave Eggers [Ed.: in the next letter he corrects himself and says he mis-typed and knows the author is David Foster Wallace.], who killed himself last year.
>Haven't really mentioned what else can be sent in here. Paperback books -- any size--so long as they are sent from a publisher or bookstore. A relative of mine routinely uses AMAZON.com. Same with individual copies of magazines/sent from a bookstore. And of course, subscriptions to newspapers and magazines are fine.
God and religion: As you might surmise from my comments on the Cistercians, I think of religion as an individual, contemplative, meditative act. Organized mega-religions seem to have a fairly awful track record historically & currently. More on this as we get to know each other more closely.
Thanks again for your lovely photo! To answer your question, I would very much like to see other photos--whether "hard copies" or printed out like your "K**** Jewelry Designs" tag. Again, I understand the color printer problem. Send whatever you can, when you can, KK! Feel free to include Mini if you like! He seems to be at your side much of the time anyway!
Hey, I actually finished your first letter! OMG! When I write again (like tomorrow) - your second letter plus Mike Tyson film. <All the reviews have been simply brilliant!>
You take care & be safe. Hope to hear from you again soon---and more from me later tonight. Be well, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Hello again! Let me finish what we were talking about yesterday, and then return to your first letter...then again: "Men Plan, God Laughs", so we'll see if I can make that happen, given your letters' strange power to make me wander far and wide...
Once again, sorry you were "floored" by the very tragic story of another "KK". But they're only initials--and as I tried to make clear, it seems that every girl or woman with those initials in whatever combination claims them as her own. And again, why not? The alliteration is irresistible. So far I have not met people with identical names, both beginning with "K".
Much sadder is the inevitable fallout from suicide. The accusations and blame came years later...You are so right--that "suicide is always such a tragedy"; especially for those who remain to try to ponder the almost always unknowable: WHY? As you can imagine, her family struggled with that at the time, and I'm sure continue to do so today. I was reading a story, reprinted from the Times about the fallout from the recent suicide of Nicholas Hughes, son of Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes--and already there is analysis & recriminations from the [sometimes] fanatical followers of Ms. Plath and those who knew Mr. Hughes only as the brilliant scientist he was.
Anyway, thank you for your condolences. But I am fine (not ecstatic, but OK!) talking about it--now. And to repeat: I'm not squeamish about it; you did not upset me; and nothing you could ask could "irk" me. I totally understand your curiosity---just as I am very curious about the side of you that is a "very dark person who knows the pain of life". I want to explore that completely if you will allow us to do so. And of course, I promise to let you explore & know me as deeply as you wish. With that in mind-let me return to your first letter, and begin with the question of dating: Did you have a type?
***
Trying to be objective-I would say no, insofar as a particular "look" is concerned; but the mind & brain are something else again. Sexuality and sensuality are far more than looks and appearance--intelligence, curiosity, sense of humor, and an ability & willingness to commit totally emotionally...But I have strong feeling that you know that. [KK--What this means is of course a whole other letter or letters!] But again, as I mentioned yesterday, it's been my experience that relatively few men and women are willing to explore that depth of a relationship.
Wow! Hope I'm not getting too deep in the weeds here, but I did want to answer... Continuing with your letter:
David Sedaris: I am familiar with what he writes, but I've not had the pleasure of reading any of his books. I've read some excerpts and reviews and (I think) some short pieces--and what I read was very funny. Do send that most recent New Yorker piece, about the train-smoking, low-life crush.
[On a related note--and trying to provide you with a glimpse into dealing with incarceration: Laughing & humor are very important to both physical & mental health. By now I can probably tell you the plotlines ++ of all 180 Seinfeld episodes and many more. We've already discussed STARVED...how about ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA?]
With the dark & the bleak...plus humor...can you imagine that black comedy is one of my favorites.
Thanks for the New York magazine piece on Cindy Sherman, et. al. Plus I like your attitude about New York, KK! I actually like your attitude about most everything. By the way, the other New York stories with Cindy Sherman's were also intriguing, especially one of the true survivors: Larry Kramer. I've followed his life story (or tried to) since reading the late Randy Shilt's landmark work on the early days of the AIDS pandemic: And The Band Played On
Look forward to whatever you can send re Cindy Sherman & her work. Good luck with your printer.
[A brief but important aside: Some day the full story of the greatest pandemic since the Black Plague will be told. AIDS of course. And especially the utterly shameful neglect & ignorance of the 1980s in America. With no leadership at all from those entrusted with health care and common sense.
There is easily an entire letter on this subject, but let me go for now.]
As you may recall "Hell Hole" focused on several state facilities. Much, much better here in comparison. No roommates. As much as I can, will try to give you a sense of the "experience" in a future letter(s). You might be surprised (or maybe not, you are very perceptive) that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Pretty much go non-stop M-F---and catch up on weekends.
THE KINDLY ONES by Jonathan Lithell [Ed.: Both Swango and Whitaker both seem highly interested in this book.] is one of two hugely controversial European novels that have recently been translated and published in the U.S. THE KINDLY ONES (French) is the massive tome---a memoir by an ex-Nazi SS member. The other book is WETLANDS
However--always a fan of l-o-n-g, complex novels, I have them both on my future reading list once they come out in paperback.
Two related points:
>Another massive but brilliant novel I want to read is INFINITE JEST, the magnum opus of still another recent tragic, mind-numbing suicide, the author Dave Eggers [Ed.: in the next letter he corrects himself and says he mis-typed and knows the author is David Foster Wallace.], who killed himself last year.
>Haven't really mentioned what else can be sent in here. Paperback books -- any size--so long as they are sent from a publisher or bookstore. A relative of mine routinely uses AMAZON.com. Same with individual copies of magazines/sent from a bookstore. And of course, subscriptions to newspapers and magazines are fine.
God and religion: As you might surmise from my comments on the Cistercians, I think of religion as an individual, contemplative, meditative act. Organized mega-religions seem to have a fairly awful track record historically & currently. More on this as we get to know each other more closely.
Thanks again for your lovely photo! To answer your question, I would very much like to see other photos--whether "hard copies" or printed out like your "K**** Jewelry Designs" tag. Again, I understand the color printer problem. Send whatever you can, when you can, KK! Feel free to include Mini if you like! He seems to be at your side much of the time anyway!
Hey, I actually finished your first letter! OMG! When I write again (like tomorrow) - your second letter plus Mike Tyson film. <All the reviews have been simply brilliant!>
You take care & be safe. Hope to hear from you again soon---and more from me later tonight. Be well, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Michael Swango:
I just got FOUR letters today in my mailbox from Michael Swango. I thought this is interesting to note. In the past, sometimes I'd get two in one day, but four seems a bit excessive.
It will take me quite some time to type them all up. Not only are his full of formatting--the abundant underlining he does takes time to do on a computer via HTML---but they also really long. Many are 9 pages.
I realize that on Tumblr you cannot see the underlining so you are missing a key element to his correspondence. I have also posted pictures of his writing here, but again, Tumblr doesn't seem to show jpgs on the password-only site.
I will be moving this whole blog to Blogspot where it is easier for readers to read from the beginning and see formatting. When I do so I will alert you so you can email me for the password or invite.
It will take me quite some time to type them all up. Not only are his full of formatting--the abundant underlining he does takes time to do on a computer via HTML---but they also really long. Many are 9 pages.
I realize that on Tumblr you cannot see the underlining so you are missing a key element to his correspondence. I have also posted pictures of his writing here, but again, Tumblr doesn't seem to show jpgs on the password-only site.
I will be moving this whole blog to Blogspot where it is easier for readers to read from the beginning and see formatting. When I do so I will alert you so you can email me for the password or invite.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to TBW, #5
Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,
I just got your letter. I’m so happy to hear from you. Apparently you wrote it on the 5th but I mailed you one on the 5th so I hope you got that one too by now.
I’m not too scared of the silliness that is the swine flu. No one here seems to notice. With all the crazy bacteria all over this City I don’t think anyone is too concerned. I did, however, have food poisoning about two weeks ago and thought I was going to die. It was awful.
I get why you would fall into periods of depression or feeling antisocial. But please keep writing. Even if it really does come down to a : “Howdy Kelly. Still here, XOXO. Thomas” type of thing. From different circumstances, of course, there are times when I feel incapable of writing anything. I hate that feeling. Like I’ll write a blog entry, and it is forced or an email to someone, and it is just so hard that I wonder if it is coherent at all. Like do they understand what I’m trying to convey? I feel like that when I write to you too sometimes.
I think the only way to be inspired to write, or inspired to do anything, really, is to submerge yourself into some form of art. Music, films, books… I know you definitely have a big deficit of art where you are, but honestly, most art comes out of pain anyway, and I assume you have a big heap of that. So try your hardest to let it inspire you.
For example, there was this like 8000 word essay in the New York Times Magazine by Daphne Merkin (famous memoirist) that was so totally overindulgent and played. I mean, I suffer from depression too and do not discount how awful it can be. However, this was like an exercise in narcissism. She didn’t say anything new, and I was generally unimpressed. Lauren Slater (Prozac Diary) has written way more eloquently about it; Hell, Elizabath Wurtzel has too. (Prozac Nation.) Anyway, I’ll Google the article now and see if I can print it out for you so you can see what I mean. Today I read all these blogs saying the same thing I thought. She did, however, use her depression and inability to do anything to eventually write a long missive on just that. That I admire. I admire she had the gumption and wherewithal to actually get published in the NYT Magazine and have the cover story. Even with a topic that is played out. [Ed.: If you want to read the article I was referring to and that I printed out for him here it is: A Journey Through Darkness]
Everyone keeps mentioning Lithell’s controversial book, “The Kindly Ones,” and I looked it up, but it doesn’t seem appealing to me.
I just read a really interesting book called THE KEY. It was self-published by Whitley Strieber so it is hard to get, but was really worth it. Whitley Strieber was a science fiction writer for years and then had some odd experiences he began to write about under the genre of non-fiction. I have read all his non-fiction stuff and much of it deals with extraterrestrials, weather changes and metaphysics. He wrote the book, The Coming of the Global Superstorm which was the basis for that cheesy action movie, Day After Tomorrow. Anyway, The Key discusses what he believes happens to you when you die. It seemed very close to what I have always thought. What do you think happens to you when we die? I am not religious at all. In fact I loath religion—not God—but religion. I absolutely believe in God but not the conventions of religion. If that makes any sense… I don’t want to bore you by going on and on about what I believe…
I hope you enter that short story contest! Can you send me what you submit? I want to see. If you actually won money, isn’t that a problem? Isn’t there a law that prevents inmates from making any money? If you want to submit a story about a love, relationship, dating event to New York Press, let me know. I can give you the details of how to do so. They take all submissions—850 words max----and they pick the best for their weekly column. As you know I used to write the dating/sex column for them. They now don’t have a writer doing it. Now they do Flavor of the Week where people just submit a dating/sex/relationship column (you’ve read some of mine) and the best gets published. Worth a shot. It’s just a stamp, right? At first they had to center around NYC, but I have recently seen a few that are written by people from other places. One written by an inmate would probably raise some eyebrows. Just a thought. If you want to see some of the ones recently published, I can send them on. Let me know.
In my letter from May 5th I wrote all about seeing the 20/20 special with you and your Dad in it. If for some reason you didn’t get that letter, let me know and I’ll resend my thoughts/questions on it.
It has not been warm enough hear to go to the pool and besides it doesn’t open until the last week of June and this year on June 28th I’m going to Alaska on a cruise. So the pool will have to wait until at least July 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.
As for the “loss and longing…” I had a very odd childhood—I’ll tell you about it sometime---so I totally am a pretty dark person in ways. And I certainly have dated some interesting characters to say the least. Again, I tend not to write too much about myself to you because you are far more interesting than I am. You situation is pretty unusual. I’m just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing. Just like a billion others.
I have tons going on. Tons of projects—writing and otherwise. Some fun, some not so fun. This week alone I have a press event I’m hosting for a client, then Wednesday night I’m going to see God of Carnage on Broadway starring James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Hope Davis and Marcia Gay Harden. It has gotten great reviews, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Then a friend invited me to a cocktail party for Bobbi Brown (she has a makeup line) so I’ll get to wear a pretty dress and drink champagne. Then Saturday is my bday. All I want to do, though, is lay in bed and read and watch movies.
Glad you liked my Goa story. It’s a great place. I was there for three weeks over Xmas/New Years in ’07.
I see that you finally have a blog entry up. Apparently, you wrote, that you tried unsuccessfully to get it up for a while. Anyway, I’m so interested in this psychological interview. What did they ask or do? What was the dr. like? What was the purpose of their evaluation? I want details! I’m sure you are bored of writing about it after the long entry, but did you ever find out what they have concluded about your psychological makeup? I suspect because the word “sociopath” is tossed about in many things written about you they were trying to see if that was really your diagnosis. Not sure how they go about doing that. Anyway, I hope that the result was one that you were okay with.
I’m including a short funny story from the New Yorker that cracked me up. It’s called “Making Friends” and it is about a plane trip from Hell.
I’m also including a tiny black and white picture of myself. It is from ’04. All the recent pictures I have of myself are on my computer and I could print them out, but don’t’ have a color printer right now. It’s me on my wedding day—found a bunch of them in my drawer and figured I’d send on alone so you can see a bit better who you’ve been typing to. I’ll try to send a recent color one soon. I’ll probably have a bunch taken this week b/c of my bday. In fact I have to get a professional headshot taken this week so I’ll send you on of the proofs if you want.
Anyway, adios for now.
Kelly
I just got your letter. I’m so happy to hear from you. Apparently you wrote it on the 5th but I mailed you one on the 5th so I hope you got that one too by now.
I’m not too scared of the silliness that is the swine flu. No one here seems to notice. With all the crazy bacteria all over this City I don’t think anyone is too concerned. I did, however, have food poisoning about two weeks ago and thought I was going to die. It was awful.
I get why you would fall into periods of depression or feeling antisocial. But please keep writing. Even if it really does come down to a : “Howdy Kelly. Still here, XOXO. Thomas” type of thing. From different circumstances, of course, there are times when I feel incapable of writing anything. I hate that feeling. Like I’ll write a blog entry, and it is forced or an email to someone, and it is just so hard that I wonder if it is coherent at all. Like do they understand what I’m trying to convey? I feel like that when I write to you too sometimes.
I think the only way to be inspired to write, or inspired to do anything, really, is to submerge yourself into some form of art. Music, films, books… I know you definitely have a big deficit of art where you are, but honestly, most art comes out of pain anyway, and I assume you have a big heap of that. So try your hardest to let it inspire you.
For example, there was this like 8000 word essay in the New York Times Magazine by Daphne Merkin (famous memoirist) that was so totally overindulgent and played. I mean, I suffer from depression too and do not discount how awful it can be. However, this was like an exercise in narcissism. She didn’t say anything new, and I was generally unimpressed. Lauren Slater (Prozac Diary) has written way more eloquently about it; Hell, Elizabath Wurtzel has too. (Prozac Nation.) Anyway, I’ll Google the article now and see if I can print it out for you so you can see what I mean. Today I read all these blogs saying the same thing I thought. She did, however, use her depression and inability to do anything to eventually write a long missive on just that. That I admire. I admire she had the gumption and wherewithal to actually get published in the NYT Magazine and have the cover story. Even with a topic that is played out. [Ed.: If you want to read the article I was referring to and that I printed out for him here it is: A Journey Through Darkness]
Everyone keeps mentioning Lithell’s controversial book, “The Kindly Ones,” and I looked it up, but it doesn’t seem appealing to me.
I just read a really interesting book called THE KEY. It was self-published by Whitley Strieber so it is hard to get, but was really worth it. Whitley Strieber was a science fiction writer for years and then had some odd experiences he began to write about under the genre of non-fiction. I have read all his non-fiction stuff and much of it deals with extraterrestrials, weather changes and metaphysics. He wrote the book, The Coming of the Global Superstorm which was the basis for that cheesy action movie, Day After Tomorrow. Anyway, The Key discusses what he believes happens to you when you die. It seemed very close to what I have always thought. What do you think happens to you when we die? I am not religious at all. In fact I loath religion—not God—but religion. I absolutely believe in God but not the conventions of religion. If that makes any sense… I don’t want to bore you by going on and on about what I believe…
I hope you enter that short story contest! Can you send me what you submit? I want to see. If you actually won money, isn’t that a problem? Isn’t there a law that prevents inmates from making any money? If you want to submit a story about a love, relationship, dating event to New York Press, let me know. I can give you the details of how to do so. They take all submissions—850 words max----and they pick the best for their weekly column. As you know I used to write the dating/sex column for them. They now don’t have a writer doing it. Now they do Flavor of the Week where people just submit a dating/sex/relationship column (you’ve read some of mine) and the best gets published. Worth a shot. It’s just a stamp, right? At first they had to center around NYC, but I have recently seen a few that are written by people from other places. One written by an inmate would probably raise some eyebrows. Just a thought. If you want to see some of the ones recently published, I can send them on. Let me know.
In my letter from May 5th I wrote all about seeing the 20/20 special with you and your Dad in it. If for some reason you didn’t get that letter, let me know and I’ll resend my thoughts/questions on it.
It has not been warm enough hear to go to the pool and besides it doesn’t open until the last week of June and this year on June 28th I’m going to Alaska on a cruise. So the pool will have to wait until at least July 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.
As for the “loss and longing…” I had a very odd childhood—I’ll tell you about it sometime---so I totally am a pretty dark person in ways. And I certainly have dated some interesting characters to say the least. Again, I tend not to write too much about myself to you because you are far more interesting than I am. You situation is pretty unusual. I’m just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing. Just like a billion others.
I have tons going on. Tons of projects—writing and otherwise. Some fun, some not so fun. This week alone I have a press event I’m hosting for a client, then Wednesday night I’m going to see God of Carnage on Broadway starring James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Hope Davis and Marcia Gay Harden. It has gotten great reviews, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Then a friend invited me to a cocktail party for Bobbi Brown (she has a makeup line) so I’ll get to wear a pretty dress and drink champagne. Then Saturday is my bday. All I want to do, though, is lay in bed and read and watch movies.
Glad you liked my Goa story. It’s a great place. I was there for three weeks over Xmas/New Years in ’07.
I see that you finally have a blog entry up. Apparently, you wrote, that you tried unsuccessfully to get it up for a while. Anyway, I’m so interested in this psychological interview. What did they ask or do? What was the dr. like? What was the purpose of their evaluation? I want details! I’m sure you are bored of writing about it after the long entry, but did you ever find out what they have concluded about your psychological makeup? I suspect because the word “sociopath” is tossed about in many things written about you they were trying to see if that was really your diagnosis. Not sure how they go about doing that. Anyway, I hope that the result was one that you were okay with.
I’m including a short funny story from the New Yorker that cracked me up. It’s called “Making Friends” and it is about a plane trip from Hell.
I’m also including a tiny black and white picture of myself. It is from ’04. All the recent pictures I have of myself are on my computer and I could print them out, but don’t’ have a color printer right now. It’s me on my wedding day—found a bunch of them in my drawer and figured I’d send on alone so you can see a bit better who you’ve been typing to. I’ll try to send a recent color one soon. I’ll probably have a bunch taken this week b/c of my bday. In fact I have to get a professional headshot taken this week so I’ll send you on of the proofs if you want.
Anyway, adios for now.
Kelly
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #5
Dear Kelly,
Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.
Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.
I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.
Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.
I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.
I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?
Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)
Yours,
TBW
Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.
Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.
I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.
Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.
I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.
I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?
Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)
Yours,
TBW
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #17
Dear KK---
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #13
Hello Michael,
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Another Question for Readers:
Because you are part of a small and select group, your opinions really matter to me. What do you think of this concept for a book? Have you read the whole blog? What questions would you like me to ask the inmates? What works/what doesn't.
Please email your answers to me at:
ltrsfrominside@aol.com
Thank you.
Please email your answers to me at:
ltrsfrominside@aol.com
Thank you.
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #16
Dear KK---
Please excuse my use of pencil today and my extreme brevity.
I will call the two letters of mine that you received on 20 APRIL-and raise you one more! Because today I received three of your letters--what a marvelous surprise. (Ed.: This is so odd because I never write that often. I suspect the prison only allows them to mail letters on certain days and collects their mail and delivers it weekly.)
So I simply had to let you know that--clearly--a lengthy letter or two will be coming your way over the weekend. I haven't the time to go over all of them before this has to go in the outgoing mail, but let me again assure you on the very last line of your letter of MON 4/20 "Hope all my questions haven't irked you."
Most people don't mean it when they say they will discuss anything & everything--I do. Nothing you ask or say can bother me--because I want to know you, KK, as intensely and as well as possible--and am more than willing to allow you to do the same.
Mail is coming. Take care & talk to you gain very soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. A stunning poem by Deborah Digges lamenting her deceased husband-told through the stark reminders of his closets full of clothes. The lines regarding smell and shape are one I can totally relate to & understand...
[This was her third husband, who died in 03.]
***
[A poem by Deborah Digges from her collection TRAPEZE 04]
"Seersucker Suit," Deborah Digges
To the curator of the museum, to the exhibition of fathers,
to the next room from this closet of trousers
and trousers, full sail the walnut hangers of shirts,
O the great ghost ships of his shoes.
Through the racks and the riggings,
belt buckles ringing and coins in coat pockets
and moths that fly up from the black woolen remnants,
his smell like a kiss blown through hallways of cedar,
the shape of him locked in his burial clothers,
his voice tucked deep in his name,
his keys and the bells to his heart,
I am passing his light blue seersucker suit
with one grass-stained knee,
and a white shirt, clean boxers, clean socks, a handkerchief.
Please excuse my use of pencil today and my extreme brevity.
I will call the two letters of mine that you received on 20 APRIL-and raise you one more! Because today I received three of your letters--what a marvelous surprise. (Ed.: This is so odd because I never write that often. I suspect the prison only allows them to mail letters on certain days and collects their mail and delivers it weekly.)
So I simply had to let you know that--clearly--a lengthy letter or two will be coming your way over the weekend. I haven't the time to go over all of them before this has to go in the outgoing mail, but let me again assure you on the very last line of your letter of MON 4/20 "Hope all my questions haven't irked you."
Most people don't mean it when they say they will discuss anything & everything--I do. Nothing you ask or say can bother me--because I want to know you, KK, as intensely and as well as possible--and am more than willing to allow you to do the same.
Mail is coming. Take care & talk to you gain very soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. A stunning poem by Deborah Digges lamenting her deceased husband-told through the stark reminders of his closets full of clothes. The lines regarding smell and shape are one I can totally relate to & understand...
[This was her third husband, who died in 03.]
***
[A poem by Deborah Digges from her collection TRAPEZE 04]
"Seersucker Suit," Deborah Digges
To the curator of the museum, to the exhibition of fathers,
to the next room from this closet of trousers
and trousers, full sail the walnut hangers of shirts,
O the great ghost ships of his shoes.
Through the racks and the riggings,
belt buckles ringing and coins in coat pockets
and moths that fly up from the black woolen remnants,
his smell like a kiss blown through hallways of cedar,
the shape of him locked in his burial clothers,
his voice tucked deep in his name,
his keys and the bells to his heart,
I am passing his light blue seersucker suit
with one grass-stained knee,
and a white shirt, clean boxers, clean socks, a handkerchief.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thomas Bart Whitaker's Latest Blog Entry: Mentions Me
He writes letters to a friend who set up a blog for him and posts them. His latest letter mentions me and the New Yorker article I sent to him near the end of the entry. He even links to it.
MINUTES BEFORE SIX: TAKE FOUR
MINUTES BEFORE SIX: TAKE FOUR
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #12
As you know, I sometimes will post the letters I have written to the inmates. Many times, though, I handwrite them so I don't have copies. This last one, in response to the letters of his [#15] I just posted, was typed so I will share it with you today.
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your letter about how you deal with incarceration. Much to digest and reply here. First, I, too, like particular names and words. In fact, there is a website devoted to just that---words people like and their reasons why. I submitted my word, “FURTIVE.” I have always loved it. A friend told me he loves the words, “LINGER” and “TROUSERS.”
I have to admit I understand clinical depression really well. I suffer from bouts of it. I understand, so well, that “What next?” question. Seems like you are not depressed about your situation and have mentally adapted to it. Also, seems like it isn’t so awful, meaning you mentioned the food was adequate, it appears you have access to TV shows/movies and reading material. For someone who is interested in these things, it is important that you continue to be able to keep abreast of what is going on in the world, the physical one and the artistic one.
You mention letters of these sorts—the more personal ones—take more time to write. Good! I enjoy these much more than the others. Sure movies are exciting, but nothing beats the rough and tumble real world. Reality is always more interesting than fiction. I am very interested in human nature, so I find this stuff particularly compelling. The incarceration and how one deals with it, but moreso, the actual crimes. The compulsion that put you in this position in the first place. I know you frequently write that you cannot discuss all details. However, you also reiterated in your last letter that you are eager to delve into it, no matter how personal. I am not skittish about hearing about the murders or poison. I am fascinated and would welcome great detail.
As for IN TREATMENT, I am working my way through the dvds of the first season as I also watch the second season in real time. The first season has a woman, Laura, who is a dr. and really attractive. She goes to Gabrial Byrne (who is so attractive!) for relationship issues. She falls insanely in love with him and being that his own marriage is flawed he begins an affair with him. At the same time, his other patient, a fighter pilot who killed a village of children leaves his wife and beings an affair with her also. We also see the Dr. with his own therapist discussing his marriage decline and unethical behavior.
Anyway, in season two he has different patients because he has now moved his office to Brooklyn because he moved out of his wife’s home and is living alone now. The affair is over and he is alone. He finds out the fighter pilot who had discontinued therapy had then killed himself and he is being sued for not helping him psychologically. The lawyer on his case is an ex-patient who is really successful but single and unhinged. She blames him for having an abortion 20 years ago and she felt as a doctor he abandoned her. She gets off his legal case and delegates it to another atty. but decides to resume therapy with him. She is lonely, wants to be married and have a kid, but meets all the wrong guys. Then she gets pregnant from a one-night stand. That is where I am with the show now and eagerly await more episodes. He still sees his therapist who counsels him on his behavior. He tries to regroup with his wife but she has moved one. He has two other patients; one is a young boy whose parents are split and who have issues not fighting over him. He is attracted to that woman. Then he has an older man, a CEO whose company did something faulty that lead to the death of people and now his world has crashed down around him. His daughter lives in Africa doing charity work and he worries for her. He tries to kill himself and is in the mental ward.
I am enclosing an interesting article from this week’s New Yorker about interesting and freaky neurological research.
I’m noticing some changes in my city. I remember the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Man that shit was gritty. Dangerous, artsy, dark and pained. Then the late 90s came, and I moved here to a more homogenized, Disneyfied City. Believe me, I'm not complaining. While the gritty City was something interesting to see from AFAR, I am happy to live in a cleaner, safer place.
But the economy has really tanked. The educated, middle management types are without jobs. Rents are dropping which almost never happens. Stores are going out of business. There are more homeless than I remember seeing in the last 10 years. The crazies are OUT.
It's getting scary and tension-ridden up in this piece, but way more interesting.
I don't want an unsafe, tension-filled City, but still appreciate the fact that this environment is the petri-dish from which true art grows.
Anyway, I look forward to more serious and soul-searching letters. Hope you are well. --KK
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your letter about how you deal with incarceration. Much to digest and reply here. First, I, too, like particular names and words. In fact, there is a website devoted to just that---words people like and their reasons why. I submitted my word, “FURTIVE.” I have always loved it. A friend told me he loves the words, “LINGER” and “TROUSERS.”
I have to admit I understand clinical depression really well. I suffer from bouts of it. I understand, so well, that “What next?” question. Seems like you are not depressed about your situation and have mentally adapted to it. Also, seems like it isn’t so awful, meaning you mentioned the food was adequate, it appears you have access to TV shows/movies and reading material. For someone who is interested in these things, it is important that you continue to be able to keep abreast of what is going on in the world, the physical one and the artistic one.
You mention letters of these sorts—the more personal ones—take more time to write. Good! I enjoy these much more than the others. Sure movies are exciting, but nothing beats the rough and tumble real world. Reality is always more interesting than fiction. I am very interested in human nature, so I find this stuff particularly compelling. The incarceration and how one deals with it, but moreso, the actual crimes. The compulsion that put you in this position in the first place. I know you frequently write that you cannot discuss all details. However, you also reiterated in your last letter that you are eager to delve into it, no matter how personal. I am not skittish about hearing about the murders or poison. I am fascinated and would welcome great detail.
As for IN TREATMENT, I am working my way through the dvds of the first season as I also watch the second season in real time. The first season has a woman, Laura, who is a dr. and really attractive. She goes to Gabrial Byrne (who is so attractive!) for relationship issues. She falls insanely in love with him and being that his own marriage is flawed he begins an affair with him. At the same time, his other patient, a fighter pilot who killed a village of children leaves his wife and beings an affair with her also. We also see the Dr. with his own therapist discussing his marriage decline and unethical behavior.
Anyway, in season two he has different patients because he has now moved his office to Brooklyn because he moved out of his wife’s home and is living alone now. The affair is over and he is alone. He finds out the fighter pilot who had discontinued therapy had then killed himself and he is being sued for not helping him psychologically. The lawyer on his case is an ex-patient who is really successful but single and unhinged. She blames him for having an abortion 20 years ago and she felt as a doctor he abandoned her. She gets off his legal case and delegates it to another atty. but decides to resume therapy with him. She is lonely, wants to be married and have a kid, but meets all the wrong guys. Then she gets pregnant from a one-night stand. That is where I am with the show now and eagerly await more episodes. He still sees his therapist who counsels him on his behavior. He tries to regroup with his wife but she has moved one. He has two other patients; one is a young boy whose parents are split and who have issues not fighting over him. He is attracted to that woman. Then he has an older man, a CEO whose company did something faulty that lead to the death of people and now his world has crashed down around him. His daughter lives in Africa doing charity work and he worries for her. He tries to kill himself and is in the mental ward.
I am enclosing an interesting article from this week’s New Yorker about interesting and freaky neurological research.
I’m noticing some changes in my city. I remember the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Man that shit was gritty. Dangerous, artsy, dark and pained. Then the late 90s came, and I moved here to a more homogenized, Disneyfied City. Believe me, I'm not complaining. While the gritty City was something interesting to see from AFAR, I am happy to live in a cleaner, safer place.
But the economy has really tanked. The educated, middle management types are without jobs. Rents are dropping which almost never happens. Stores are going out of business. There are more homeless than I remember seeing in the last 10 years. The crazies are OUT.
It's getting scary and tension-ridden up in this piece, but way more interesting.
I don't want an unsafe, tension-filled City, but still appreciate the fact that this environment is the petri-dish from which true art grows.
Anyway, I look forward to more serious and soul-searching letters. Hope you are well. --KK
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #15
This one answers my questions about how he feels about his incarceration.
Dear KK---
Scheherazade*, Stephen King, and an unknown but insightful disabled man...let me try to link these together to try to begin to explain how one adapts & adjusts psychologically & day-to-day with a total change in ones life, such as my situation...
Sometime in the late 80s or early 90s, before this, before Africa, I saw a remarkable interview with a man who had been paralyzed in a car accident at the age of 17 (from the waist down). When interviewed he was about 40 y.o. He of course talked about the accident, his initial awful realizations, his rehab, etc. --but most of all [and the focus of the interview] he talked about how he learned and struggled & finally succeeded in remaking his life-more importantly his inner vision of life-into something compatible with his devastating physical injury and permanent disability. He talked about how, since his injury [ about 23 years previously] he had met many many men & women & teens who were in the same condition, or worse. And those who had succeeded in rebuilding their life view to take into account their condition were far, far happier, and engaged in lie to a much greater degree. I recall that he quoted Dylan Thomas's famous lines about "Not Going Gently Into That Good Night...Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light."
He said that was fine for a life or death struggle--but when you rage & bitch about a wheelchair, no matter how long, at some point you realize you're still in the chair, you're not dead, and you'd "best just get on with it." And that's what he did.
He said that he met many people his own age---who had also been paralyzed as teens--and again, those how had been able to accept their situation and build on it, rather than curse fate & God & humanity & bad luck for 20+ years, were much happier & more productive --employment, family, health, in general.
Ok-put that aside for just a moment. You & I have both mentioned [independently, I find that fascinating...] the tragic suicide of the son of Sylvia Plath-and the pathos & brutal irony that that engenders. Not sure if you saw or heard word of the death by suicide of another major female poet on 10 APRIL: "Deborah Digges"- who jumped to her death at a stadium at U-MASS in Amhearst, MASS. Age 59.
I remember reading her first collection: Vesper Sparrows/in the mid-1980s. Sort of lost track of her after that, but would hear her name on occasion in literary reviews, etc.
I mentioned this because the choice so many [far too many] men & women make between life & death is not so different (of course it is in degree) than the choice one makes when faced with a life-changing illness or injury/or sudden loss of a lifetime job or/partner/or incarceration.
Look at the recent spate of multiple murders/suicides in families by men who have lost all hope after being hit hard by the current recession: 4 dead Maryland/5 dead in California. These men were not paralyzed or incarcerated; yet, that was the choice they made...
In his late 90s novel, Bag of Bones, Stephen King wrote about a man who had just lost his wife-and who was of course devastated, depressed, and ultimately contemplates suicide. What stops him is what Stephen King calls "What comes next?" It's impossible to recount his brilliant analysis in full, but it simply boils down to this: A man or woman usually won't end their life if they become interested or curious in "What happens next?" Whether it's the next chapter of a book, the next episode of "LOST", will Erica come out of her coma on "General Hospital"?...will it be Obama or Hillary? Will it be Obama or McCain? OK--how will those first hundred days turn out? Will GM go into bankruptcy? Will the Cubs finally win a World Series? My dog is pregnant-will her puppies be OK? ...a friend is getting married--what will the wedding be like? Should I go or kill myself?
All this sounds incredibly self-evident to you or I or millions of other people - because everyday we wake up with all the above and more-much more-on our minds...percolating, simmering...we wonder & look ahead because that's what people do. Of course self evident.
But in the days or hours or minutes before that final irrevocable act, whether caused by chemical depression, intense grief, economic helplessness, the loss or breakup of a man or woman--the suicidal individual DOES NOT ask himself/herself "What comes next?" Because in their mind, nothing comes next...nothing...
In the Arabian Nights, the lovely Scheherazade is sentence to die at dawn. To survive she tells a story...and at dawn the King essentially asks "What Comes Next?" So the execution is put off; and the next night she does the same-for 1001 nights-until finally she is pardoned.
Not suicide-but the point is the same. Death forestalled by "What Comes Next?"
The whole purpose of the class of anti-depression drugs known as the "Serotonin Uptake Inhibitors" is to increase serotonin in the brain and get the depressed person interested in something/anything - so long as they again begin to ask: "What Comes Next?"
It's now Wednesday. It takes longer to write a letter like this one than many of my previous ones! But I have no problem discussing such intense or difficult subjects. You are one of the few people I know who seems genuinely interested & engaged in virtually all things.
So-this is just a beginning to the answers to the questions you have asked about my incarceration. How I have been able to adjust my life view and remain intensely & vibrantly engaged in all things is clearly a whole other letter or letters. I will tell you it partly involves Marcus Aurelius, Stoicism, and the concept and actuality of building a "memory palace" in one's mind. Lots to talk about, and I promise to get it all, and anything else you wish to delve into--briefly or in detail, even intimate detail, although you seem a bit averse & skittish....
But must get this in the mail. Still want to comment a bit on your "Angelina Jolie of India" article AND the one about shopping for jeans (very funny!) - and a few other things from your last letter.
In the meantime-ran across these items I thought you might find of interest.
>Very favorable review of the beginning of Season II of "IN TREATMENT". Since I can't see this, you'll have to keep me updated.
:-) Thanks!
>Local review of "THE INFORMERS". None have been very favorable that I have seen or heard.
>A friend in the financial world sent me this column on another "B. Madoff." it's from the "N.Y. Times" (March), so you may well have seen/read it.
Take care, KK. Will try to write more (as above) tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed what I understand was some outstanding NYC weather the last couple of days. Be well and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
*One of the most mysterious & beautiful names...you recall our earlier conversation... I mentioned Edna St. Vincent Millay; which would be even more lovely as Charlotte or Skyler or Elisha.
Dear KK---
Scheherazade*, Stephen King, and an unknown but insightful disabled man...let me try to link these together to try to begin to explain how one adapts & adjusts psychologically & day-to-day with a total change in ones life, such as my situation...
Sometime in the late 80s or early 90s, before this, before Africa, I saw a remarkable interview with a man who had been paralyzed in a car accident at the age of 17 (from the waist down). When interviewed he was about 40 y.o. He of course talked about the accident, his initial awful realizations, his rehab, etc. --but most of all [and the focus of the interview] he talked about how he learned and struggled & finally succeeded in remaking his life-more importantly his inner vision of life-into something compatible with his devastating physical injury and permanent disability. He talked about how, since his injury [ about 23 years previously] he had met many many men & women & teens who were in the same condition, or worse. And those who had succeeded in rebuilding their life view to take into account their condition were far, far happier, and engaged in lie to a much greater degree. I recall that he quoted Dylan Thomas's famous lines about "Not Going Gently Into That Good Night...Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light."
He said that was fine for a life or death struggle--but when you rage & bitch about a wheelchair, no matter how long, at some point you realize you're still in the chair, you're not dead, and you'd "best just get on with it." And that's what he did.
He said that he met many people his own age---who had also been paralyzed as teens--and again, those how had been able to accept their situation and build on it, rather than curse fate & God & humanity & bad luck for 20+ years, were much happier & more productive --employment, family, health, in general.
Ok-put that aside for just a moment. You & I have both mentioned [independently, I find that fascinating...] the tragic suicide of the son of Sylvia Plath-and the pathos & brutal irony that that engenders. Not sure if you saw or heard word of the death by suicide of another major female poet on 10 APRIL: "Deborah Digges"- who jumped to her death at a stadium at U-MASS in Amhearst, MASS. Age 59.
I remember reading her first collection: Vesper Sparrows/in the mid-1980s. Sort of lost track of her after that, but would hear her name on occasion in literary reviews, etc.
I mentioned this because the choice so many [far too many] men & women make between life & death is not so different (of course it is in degree) than the choice one makes when faced with a life-changing illness or injury/or sudden loss of a lifetime job or/partner/or incarceration.
Look at the recent spate of multiple murders/suicides in families by men who have lost all hope after being hit hard by the current recession: 4 dead Maryland/5 dead in California. These men were not paralyzed or incarcerated; yet, that was the choice they made...
In his late 90s novel, Bag of Bones, Stephen King wrote about a man who had just lost his wife-and who was of course devastated, depressed, and ultimately contemplates suicide. What stops him is what Stephen King calls "What comes next?" It's impossible to recount his brilliant analysis in full, but it simply boils down to this: A man or woman usually won't end their life if they become interested or curious in "What happens next?" Whether it's the next chapter of a book, the next episode of "LOST", will Erica come out of her coma on "General Hospital"?...will it be Obama or Hillary? Will it be Obama or McCain? OK--how will those first hundred days turn out? Will GM go into bankruptcy? Will the Cubs finally win a World Series? My dog is pregnant-will her puppies be OK? ...a friend is getting married--what will the wedding be like? Should I go or kill myself?
All this sounds incredibly self-evident to you or I or millions of other people - because everyday we wake up with all the above and more-much more-on our minds...percolating, simmering...we wonder & look ahead because that's what people do. Of course self evident.
But in the days or hours or minutes before that final irrevocable act, whether caused by chemical depression, intense grief, economic helplessness, the loss or breakup of a man or woman--the suicidal individual DOES NOT ask himself/herself "What comes next?" Because in their mind, nothing comes next...nothing...
In the Arabian Nights, the lovely Scheherazade is sentence to die at dawn. To survive she tells a story...and at dawn the King essentially asks "What Comes Next?" So the execution is put off; and the next night she does the same-for 1001 nights-until finally she is pardoned.
Not suicide-but the point is the same. Death forestalled by "What Comes Next?"
The whole purpose of the class of anti-depression drugs known as the "Serotonin Uptake Inhibitors" is to increase serotonin in the brain and get the depressed person interested in something/anything - so long as they again begin to ask: "What Comes Next?"
It's now Wednesday. It takes longer to write a letter like this one than many of my previous ones! But I have no problem discussing such intense or difficult subjects. You are one of the few people I know who seems genuinely interested & engaged in virtually all things.
So-this is just a beginning to the answers to the questions you have asked about my incarceration. How I have been able to adjust my life view and remain intensely & vibrantly engaged in all things is clearly a whole other letter or letters. I will tell you it partly involves Marcus Aurelius, Stoicism, and the concept and actuality of building a "memory palace" in one's mind. Lots to talk about, and I promise to get it all, and anything else you wish to delve into--briefly or in detail, even intimate detail, although you seem a bit averse & skittish....
But must get this in the mail. Still want to comment a bit on your "Angelina Jolie of India" article AND the one about shopping for jeans (very funny!) - and a few other things from your last letter.
In the meantime-ran across these items I thought you might find of interest.
>Very favorable review of the beginning of Season II of "IN TREATMENT". Since I can't see this, you'll have to keep me updated.
:-) Thanks!
>Local review of "THE INFORMERS". None have been very favorable that I have seen or heard.
>A friend in the financial world sent me this column on another "B. Madoff." it's from the "N.Y. Times" (March), so you may well have seen/read it.
Take care, KK. Will try to write more (as above) tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed what I understand was some outstanding NYC weather the last couple of days. Be well and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
*One of the most mysterious & beautiful names...you recall our earlier conversation... I mentioned Edna St. Vincent Millay; which would be even more lovely as Charlotte or Skyler or Elisha.
