Read about escapee, Ronald Tackmann, and be sure to check out his amazing artwork.
I'm fascinated with this guy. His prison sculptures made from toilet paper, bread and salt are genius. So are his drawings and paintings and inventions.
The Escape Artist
Ronald Tackmann’s ingenious prison breakouts— and his jailhouse sculptures of soap and toilet paper—have made him a legend of the penal system. It’s freedom he can’t handle.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Whitaker, #17
Dear Kelly, the exceedingly patient,
Hello. Sorry its been awhile, I know. Some existential crisis battered me about for a bit, but I slogged my way through. Just for once, I would love to feel like I really won a conflict, rather than just muddling through. Maybe that is the true existential conflict of our time: redefining what it even means to win.
Odd that you should mention Mr. Sells. [Ed.: Tommy Lynn Sells is an inmate that is housed with Bart on Death Row. I didn't realize this until just recently. 48 Hour Mystery did a Live to Tell segment recently about two little girls who had their throats slashed by a mysterious intruder. One died immediately and the other witnessed the whole thing. When the killer realized she was on the upper bunk, he slashed her throat too. She assumed everyone in the house was dead so she ran a quarter mile to the nearest house and banged on the door. She couldn't speak because her vocal chords were slashed. She lived and ended up testifying against Sells, putting him on death row. Turns out he was a serial killer who murderered others, including other children. When I realized Sells was housed with Bart, I wrote to him asking what he was like.] I know him quite well. I actually referred to him (unnamed), when I mentioned I had gone outside with a guy who murdered children. There is a lot more to that story than has ever made it to the news, of course. I would never even think about condoning what he did, or how he lived his life, but there is a lot of the story of his childhood that was ignored, and these years pretty much explain exactly what happened later on. They usually do. In Tommy's case, he has actually tried to discuss what happened, but nobody wanted to listen. In other cases, including my own, people have simply decided that it doesn't bear mentioning. I think anyone who read my psych profile knows something happened. We all have to make peace with the past in our own ways, and I've chosen mine. He's not a horrible guy, sometimes. He would never rat you out, for one. That means something, in my world. He's devoted to his wife, which should indicate something, as well. She's the first person who ever loved him, and this experience has been transformative. He is also mentally retarded, with an IQ hovering around 65, so they may never end up killing him, though they are doing their damnedest to try. If you do end up writing him , please make sure that you keep our correspondence between us. I would rather he not know. Then again, he may not even write you back. Like I said, he's devoted to his wife, and I get the picture that she does not approve of him having pen-pals. To answer your question of why people seem to kill just to kill, the answer is: they don't. It is an important point to note. There is ALWAYS a reason for the things we do. You may not get it. you may not even know about it. It may not make sense to anyone but the person committing the act. But it is always there. There is this fantasy that the movies and tv likes to run with, that there are certain people "born to kill," who have zero consciences, etc. This is a myth. It is simply easier to sell this, than to get into the ocmplicated world of psychology, or to actually research an individual. Everyone here is a murderer, minus those who are factually innocent. You know how many truly conscience-less individuals I have met? None. I suppose that I do have some feelings of repulsion towards people like him, just like everyone else. I do my best to suppress this, because they are just another hairless ape, doing what they can with a badly damaged computer. Mostly, I pay attention to the, because they are also fascinating. In their own broken ways.
Hey, congrats on getting your money from the deadbeat! Too bad you can't put a brick through his Jag's window. Guess that would be "wrong". Pfft. Ethics.
What happened with these clients that you are possibly losing? I am sorry to hear that, and I wish I could do something to help. What are you planning to do about this? You can't get a refund on the ticket to Japan? I am sure that you have looked at all of your options, but surely there is a market somewhere other than NYC where real estate is selling? I know the thought of having to move somewhere that is not NYC is probably revolting to you, but I don't think the market is nearly as bad here in Texas. There must be other hot-spots.
I hope that you do have a good time in Japan, though. I've never been there. I had a friend who went to Tokyo once for a semester of study, and she really liked it, though she was constantly lost. Take me a few photos!
In reference to Lindsay's comment that you mentioned [Ed.: On his blog, a friend of his named Lindsay left a note saying that she knew if they decided to kill him on Death Row that he'd commit suicide before they could] I think it is best that I don't really get too far into that in these letters. My life sucks enough, without having them put a watch on me for that. What she wrote was extremely accurage, however. I would look upon such a thing as a protection of dignity, but I am waiting until the court process runs its course. I look at this in the same way as I would if I had a terminal disease: once the docs give me their final prognosis, then I believe that I have the right to determine how to the end of things comes about. All sentient creatures have this right, and if a prolonged death seems offensive to one's dignity, then there are clear and decisive options. I think the whole death-chamber spectacle is a tawdry affair, and serves only to act as a mirror by which we all see our inherent nastiness. I think I will take a pass on the drama, thank you.
Haha, that Santa Card was a little creepy. He looks like a pedophile sitting on a bench in Central Park, trying to get some kid to take a chocolate from his conveniently placed box. I tend to find most Xmas cards baffling. I have oft wonderered why we don't have any Yahweh-themed holiday cards. You know, loving, uplifting scenes of the Jews committing atrocious acts of barbarism to a degree that any modern ethnic cleanswer would raise a brow, or maybe a family huddling down in their mud shangy as an immense wall of water comes crashing upon them. Ha ha, I'm going to have someone draw those up. You want to market my atheist cards for next year? Might be kind of fun. "Thank god there's no god." Too easy.
You asked a few questions about my present attorney. He is a guy out of Austin, and he is court-appointed. He's not exactly a brilliant lawyer, but we do have a decent repore. [Ed: Spelling error is his.] He pretty much told me from the beginning that the State wasn't paying him shit, and if I wanted to do my own legal work, he wouldn't mind it. So when I wrote that "we filed", what I really meant was that I did some work, and he did some work, and what we put together was what he officially turned into the courts. You can probably guess the portions that I wrote. In the motion I just posted, there is a quote from Hamlet, for instance. not something you usually see when an attorney writes the motion. [Ed.: You can read the motion he is referring to on his blog: www.minutesbeforesix.com. I immediately noticed the Hamlet quote when I first read it, not realizing Thomas wrote this portion. I did take note, though, because it is so unusual to see literary quotes in legal motions.]
Haha, Frey's next book is a fictional depiction of Leviticus? That, I will have to read. No, I haven't really noticed how big the atheist moviement is. I am awash in fundamentalists, down here in Texas. There aren't too many of us here on the Row, either. There is a lot of...ah, shall we call it, "studying for the final?" going on around here. People all convinced that on the other side of the needle is a fairy land where there is no misery. Frankly, they are half right, as religious people tend to be: even the rotting ground is a step up from this place. Shrug. I'm indifferent.
Haha, you are a Seinfeld character, totally. I've said this before, if you recall. I laughed over NoteGuy's liberal use of pictionary tactics to carry a conversation. That would annoy me, I must admit. Turns out, I might actually know the correct sign for getting rid of him. :) I supposed we all have our little foibles. This girl I once liked used to cover up her mouth when she smiled or laughed, with her hand or a cup of coffee, or whatever was handy. Always annoyed me, because she had a nice smile. Just so long as he doesn't eat his peas or corn one at a time. :)
I think it si kind of sweet that he kissed you on the forehead, though. It's hard to tell the exact level of sarcasm you meant to infuse the whole 12 year old comment, but I thought it was nice. MOst of us would have tried for more than that, since the gates were pretty well bypassed. Also, it was hard to tell if he did that out of respect for you, or if he was just too meek to do anything else. What do you WANT him to do? I guess this is the balance though which we judge his ations. It usually is, with women.
I was sorry to hear that you didn't receive the Teaching Fellow position. That sounds like an awesome concept. Not sure why you felt down that you dind't get the position -- since you dind't want it to begin with. Or are you just telling yourself that now? Maybe you lack of true desire shone though your writing. Nope: merely a computer error. That's what I get for missing a paragraph. Ha, I'm a retard. So, you shall be the representative of the semicolon...a most incorrectly used grammatical device, if there ever was one. I like the "match.com" analogy, very cute. Ha, I could have used a semicolon there, couldn't I? Maybe I need the class msyelf.
You mentioned seeing the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. Do you like him? I am somewhat ambivalent, I guess. I actually saw what I believe to have been an authentic one make up almost entirely of circles at a house in Mexico. I was just sort of acing as a driver for a guy, and we had to sotp at a place up in the mountains overlooking San Pedro. Serious, serous money. The guy I was driving ended up getting in to a longer discussion than we had lanned , so I roamed the house (maybe not the smartest move). He had some serious selections in the cellar, including more Sine Qua Non, one of which I ended up opening (it was a 97 Imposter McCoy, maybe the best bottle of blended Syrah I have ever tasted). They say crime doesn't pay, which may be true on a long enough time line (what does, on a long enough time line?, but on the short-term, some people manage to live pretty fucking good.
I wasn't aware that they sold absinthe in the states. That is new. I imagine that the type you had was somewhat light on the wormwood, which is what they consider to be toxic in high levels. I had some in Spain, once, in an attempt to honror literary heroes, Hemingway's Robert Jordan, protagonist of "For Whom the Bell Tolls." I didn't care for it much, because, like you, I don't really care for anise. Was fun to prepare, though. Got some great looks.
I had a bit of a rough time lately with some people, and I need to ask something of you, Kelly. I hate doing this, but I am at the point where I don't have much choice. I am asking that everyone I write to be a little more conscious of stamp costs. I have made a habit of not asking for things from the people I write. I know that times are tough. But a couple of bucks every once in a while to help me offset some of these costs are starting to become a necessity. I just don't have the means anymore, with school fees draining me of what little I have. Think about it, please.
Have you read "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire? Someone sent this to me recently, and I have found it to be pretty enjoyable. I had not heard of it, but apparently they have made a musical of the thing. What have you read of late that was decent? Well, I'm off. I hope that this finds you well, and that you have a great holiday season. Have a great time on your trip and be safe.
Until next time.
TBW
Hello. Sorry its been awhile, I know. Some existential crisis battered me about for a bit, but I slogged my way through. Just for once, I would love to feel like I really won a conflict, rather than just muddling through. Maybe that is the true existential conflict of our time: redefining what it even means to win.
Odd that you should mention Mr. Sells. [Ed.: Tommy Lynn Sells is an inmate that is housed with Bart on Death Row. I didn't realize this until just recently. 48 Hour Mystery did a Live to Tell segment recently about two little girls who had their throats slashed by a mysterious intruder. One died immediately and the other witnessed the whole thing. When the killer realized she was on the upper bunk, he slashed her throat too. She assumed everyone in the house was dead so she ran a quarter mile to the nearest house and banged on the door. She couldn't speak because her vocal chords were slashed. She lived and ended up testifying against Sells, putting him on death row. Turns out he was a serial killer who murderered others, including other children. When I realized Sells was housed with Bart, I wrote to him asking what he was like.] I know him quite well. I actually referred to him (unnamed), when I mentioned I had gone outside with a guy who murdered children. There is a lot more to that story than has ever made it to the news, of course. I would never even think about condoning what he did, or how he lived his life, but there is a lot of the story of his childhood that was ignored, and these years pretty much explain exactly what happened later on. They usually do. In Tommy's case, he has actually tried to discuss what happened, but nobody wanted to listen. In other cases, including my own, people have simply decided that it doesn't bear mentioning. I think anyone who read my psych profile knows something happened. We all have to make peace with the past in our own ways, and I've chosen mine. He's not a horrible guy, sometimes. He would never rat you out, for one. That means something, in my world. He's devoted to his wife, which should indicate something, as well. She's the first person who ever loved him, and this experience has been transformative. He is also mentally retarded, with an IQ hovering around 65, so they may never end up killing him, though they are doing their damnedest to try. If you do end up writing him , please make sure that you keep our correspondence between us. I would rather he not know. Then again, he may not even write you back. Like I said, he's devoted to his wife, and I get the picture that she does not approve of him having pen-pals. To answer your question of why people seem to kill just to kill, the answer is: they don't. It is an important point to note. There is ALWAYS a reason for the things we do. You may not get it. you may not even know about it. It may not make sense to anyone but the person committing the act. But it is always there. There is this fantasy that the movies and tv likes to run with, that there are certain people "born to kill," who have zero consciences, etc. This is a myth. It is simply easier to sell this, than to get into the ocmplicated world of psychology, or to actually research an individual. Everyone here is a murderer, minus those who are factually innocent. You know how many truly conscience-less individuals I have met? None. I suppose that I do have some feelings of repulsion towards people like him, just like everyone else. I do my best to suppress this, because they are just another hairless ape, doing what they can with a badly damaged computer. Mostly, I pay attention to the, because they are also fascinating. In their own broken ways.
Hey, congrats on getting your money from the deadbeat! Too bad you can't put a brick through his Jag's window. Guess that would be "wrong". Pfft. Ethics.
What happened with these clients that you are possibly losing? I am sorry to hear that, and I wish I could do something to help. What are you planning to do about this? You can't get a refund on the ticket to Japan? I am sure that you have looked at all of your options, but surely there is a market somewhere other than NYC where real estate is selling? I know the thought of having to move somewhere that is not NYC is probably revolting to you, but I don't think the market is nearly as bad here in Texas. There must be other hot-spots.
I hope that you do have a good time in Japan, though. I've never been there. I had a friend who went to Tokyo once for a semester of study, and she really liked it, though she was constantly lost. Take me a few photos!
In reference to Lindsay's comment that you mentioned [Ed.: On his blog, a friend of his named Lindsay left a note saying that she knew if they decided to kill him on Death Row that he'd commit suicide before they could] I think it is best that I don't really get too far into that in these letters. My life sucks enough, without having them put a watch on me for that. What she wrote was extremely accurage, however. I would look upon such a thing as a protection of dignity, but I am waiting until the court process runs its course. I look at this in the same way as I would if I had a terminal disease: once the docs give me their final prognosis, then I believe that I have the right to determine how to the end of things comes about. All sentient creatures have this right, and if a prolonged death seems offensive to one's dignity, then there are clear and decisive options. I think the whole death-chamber spectacle is a tawdry affair, and serves only to act as a mirror by which we all see our inherent nastiness. I think I will take a pass on the drama, thank you.
Haha, that Santa Card was a little creepy. He looks like a pedophile sitting on a bench in Central Park, trying to get some kid to take a chocolate from his conveniently placed box. I tend to find most Xmas cards baffling. I have oft wonderered why we don't have any Yahweh-themed holiday cards. You know, loving, uplifting scenes of the Jews committing atrocious acts of barbarism to a degree that any modern ethnic cleanswer would raise a brow, or maybe a family huddling down in their mud shangy as an immense wall of water comes crashing upon them. Ha ha, I'm going to have someone draw those up. You want to market my atheist cards for next year? Might be kind of fun. "Thank god there's no god." Too easy.
You asked a few questions about my present attorney. He is a guy out of Austin, and he is court-appointed. He's not exactly a brilliant lawyer, but we do have a decent repore. [Ed: Spelling error is his.] He pretty much told me from the beginning that the State wasn't paying him shit, and if I wanted to do my own legal work, he wouldn't mind it. So when I wrote that "we filed", what I really meant was that I did some work, and he did some work, and what we put together was what he officially turned into the courts. You can probably guess the portions that I wrote. In the motion I just posted, there is a quote from Hamlet, for instance. not something you usually see when an attorney writes the motion. [Ed.: You can read the motion he is referring to on his blog: www.minutesbeforesix.com. I immediately noticed the Hamlet quote when I first read it, not realizing Thomas wrote this portion. I did take note, though, because it is so unusual to see literary quotes in legal motions.]
Haha, Frey's next book is a fictional depiction of Leviticus? That, I will have to read. No, I haven't really noticed how big the atheist moviement is. I am awash in fundamentalists, down here in Texas. There aren't too many of us here on the Row, either. There is a lot of...ah, shall we call it, "studying for the final?" going on around here. People all convinced that on the other side of the needle is a fairy land where there is no misery. Frankly, they are half right, as religious people tend to be: even the rotting ground is a step up from this place. Shrug. I'm indifferent.
Haha, you are a Seinfeld character, totally. I've said this before, if you recall. I laughed over NoteGuy's liberal use of pictionary tactics to carry a conversation. That would annoy me, I must admit. Turns out, I might actually know the correct sign for getting rid of him. :) I supposed we all have our little foibles. This girl I once liked used to cover up her mouth when she smiled or laughed, with her hand or a cup of coffee, or whatever was handy. Always annoyed me, because she had a nice smile. Just so long as he doesn't eat his peas or corn one at a time. :)
I think it si kind of sweet that he kissed you on the forehead, though. It's hard to tell the exact level of sarcasm you meant to infuse the whole 12 year old comment, but I thought it was nice. MOst of us would have tried for more than that, since the gates were pretty well bypassed. Also, it was hard to tell if he did that out of respect for you, or if he was just too meek to do anything else. What do you WANT him to do? I guess this is the balance though which we judge his ations. It usually is, with women.
I was sorry to hear that you didn't receive the Teaching Fellow position. That sounds like an awesome concept. Not sure why you felt down that you dind't get the position -- since you dind't want it to begin with. Or are you just telling yourself that now? Maybe you lack of true desire shone though your writing. Nope: merely a computer error. That's what I get for missing a paragraph. Ha, I'm a retard. So, you shall be the representative of the semicolon...a most incorrectly used grammatical device, if there ever was one. I like the "match.com" analogy, very cute. Ha, I could have used a semicolon there, couldn't I? Maybe I need the class msyelf.
You mentioned seeing the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. Do you like him? I am somewhat ambivalent, I guess. I actually saw what I believe to have been an authentic one make up almost entirely of circles at a house in Mexico. I was just sort of acing as a driver for a guy, and we had to sotp at a place up in the mountains overlooking San Pedro. Serious, serous money. The guy I was driving ended up getting in to a longer discussion than we had lanned , so I roamed the house (maybe not the smartest move). He had some serious selections in the cellar, including more Sine Qua Non, one of which I ended up opening (it was a 97 Imposter McCoy, maybe the best bottle of blended Syrah I have ever tasted). They say crime doesn't pay, which may be true on a long enough time line (what does, on a long enough time line?, but on the short-term, some people manage to live pretty fucking good.
I wasn't aware that they sold absinthe in the states. That is new. I imagine that the type you had was somewhat light on the wormwood, which is what they consider to be toxic in high levels. I had some in Spain, once, in an attempt to honror literary heroes, Hemingway's Robert Jordan, protagonist of "For Whom the Bell Tolls." I didn't care for it much, because, like you, I don't really care for anise. Was fun to prepare, though. Got some great looks.
I had a bit of a rough time lately with some people, and I need to ask something of you, Kelly. I hate doing this, but I am at the point where I don't have much choice. I am asking that everyone I write to be a little more conscious of stamp costs. I have made a habit of not asking for things from the people I write. I know that times are tough. But a couple of bucks every once in a while to help me offset some of these costs are starting to become a necessity. I just don't have the means anymore, with school fees draining me of what little I have. Think about it, please.
Have you read "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire? Someone sent this to me recently, and I have found it to be pretty enjoyable. I had not heard of it, but apparently they have made a musical of the thing. What have you read of late that was decent? Well, I'm off. I hope that this finds you well, and that you have a great holiday season. Have a great time on your trip and be safe.
Until next time.
TBW
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Check In:
It has almost been a year since I started this project. I started this last year as an attempt to understand sociopaths. Having had an extremely upsetting experience with someone I now to believe a sociopath, I knew it was dangerous for me to interact with him further. I cut off our two year relationship and set about finding ways to heal. I got a personal trainer, I went to therapy and I read as many books as I could on people like him. But still, there was a need to understand sociopathy further---in a way that cannot be garnered from merely reading a book or discussing it with a therapist--so I came up with the idea to write to fairly well-known, but incarcerated sociopaths. While I have a billion questions that I want to ask my own sociopath, I know it is not safe for me to interact with him. Further, I know that they tend to lie compulsively anyway, so talking to him would only harm me further.
I figured that because all of the prisoners I write to are in for life (one is on Death Row), I could safely interact with them.
Now that a year of doing so has gone by, I'm not sure what conclusions, if any, I have come to. I was hoping for some resolution--some sort of epiphany. But none has come. I see much of my sociopath in many of the inmates I write to. They are very charming and intelligent. They are well-read and have senses of humor similar to my own. There is an attractiveness to each one and it is hard not to get drawn in by them. But then again, that is the nature of the sociopath. They are extremely seductive.
I am not a doctor, nor have I studied sociopathy at an advanced level. I am just a person trying very hard to gain some closure and understanding into what happened to me.
More and more, I realize that my own story is far more compelling than the letters. I had hoped the letters could stand on their own and that Letters from the Inside would become a non-fiction book--a curation of letters from five or six of the US's most interesting sociopathic inmates.
I have enough material now, for a book, but nothing I find compelling enough to make it something that would sell. I have tried very hard not to editorialize. I wanted the letters to speak for themselves. They have, but I fear, not loudly enough.
So instead of being a writer who had begun to write a bestseller, I am just a weird woman who has stacks upon stacks of letters from prisoners. What I had hoped would be a compelling and enlightening art project is nothing more than the equivalent of a woman who has 25 cats and hoards old newspapers.
I figured that because all of the prisoners I write to are in for life (one is on Death Row), I could safely interact with them.
Now that a year of doing so has gone by, I'm not sure what conclusions, if any, I have come to. I was hoping for some resolution--some sort of epiphany. But none has come. I see much of my sociopath in many of the inmates I write to. They are very charming and intelligent. They are well-read and have senses of humor similar to my own. There is an attractiveness to each one and it is hard not to get drawn in by them. But then again, that is the nature of the sociopath. They are extremely seductive.
I am not a doctor, nor have I studied sociopathy at an advanced level. I am just a person trying very hard to gain some closure and understanding into what happened to me.
More and more, I realize that my own story is far more compelling than the letters. I had hoped the letters could stand on their own and that Letters from the Inside would become a non-fiction book--a curation of letters from five or six of the US's most interesting sociopathic inmates.
I have enough material now, for a book, but nothing I find compelling enough to make it something that would sell. I have tried very hard not to editorialize. I wanted the letters to speak for themselves. They have, but I fear, not loudly enough.
So instead of being a writer who had begun to write a bestseller, I am just a weird woman who has stacks upon stacks of letters from prisoners. What I had hoped would be a compelling and enlightening art project is nothing more than the equivalent of a woman who has 25 cats and hoards old newspapers.
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #69
Ed.: I suppose it is appropriate that in his 69th letter he get sort of pervy.
Hey Kelly---
With you leaving for Japan in (I'm guessing) about a week, this will probably be the last letter with a chance of reaching you before you sojourn in the Far East. Even if it doesn't....the New Year begins...So--what I didn't get to from your last letter:
>OK-in high school & college (not so much after) you have your "Quinns" and your "Rachels". I agree, Quinn is stunning. She represents the blonde cheerleader type that always seems to "have it all" in school. See also: "Ten Things I Hate About You:" where Bianca is the cute blonde & Katerina is the disliked non-conformist (played by Julia Stiles). Rachel is the usually brunette, not-so-cool, non-conformist, usually more intellectual, non-cheerleader type.
"Quinns" attract the men early, but we all know it is the fiery "Rachels" who are smoldering volcanoes of brilliance, passion, & raw sexuality!
Anyway-that's how Hollywood & TV see it. There is some truth to it--although we're not talking about en exact science here.
>Most interesting that you shy away at least a little from "depressing films". You & I differ significantly in that area. Iwould must rather see a "White Ribbon" or "Precious" or "Antichrist" than a cookie-cutter romantic comedy, or mindless action-adventure. But I know you are an aficionado of the dark & complex and offbeat. You'd see "Precious" or "White Ribbon" or "And the Band Played On" with me, wouldn't you?
>Given my circumstances, you know you can't use the phrases "too long to get into" or "too long and strange..." to avoid describing your relationship with someone at work--and the ending which was the "strangest experience you have ever had." THAT is saying a lot, given your quite remarkable and dramatic life. Would love to hear it in detail. Can I tell you a similar story?
You say you "miss him still" .. Here's a question for you, KK: Before I went to Africa, I was with a young widow, who had lost her husband to a terrible illness two years before...When you got past the platitudes she had to use with her relatives, do you know what she missed--truly missed far & away the most? Think about it, and you know what I mean by the "usual platitudes". What she said and why and my comments in the New Year...
>NoteGuy. No passion. That says it all. You must have heat and passion and intense desire early on. He needs to want her in every possible way sexually, and emotionally--and she needs to want him inside her everywhere. Can't say more without getting into those topics which you shy away from--but there is more, much more, KK.
>Sorry, Actually this time I had no intention to be cryptic. If and when we do read a book together--whether it be Bernard/Homolka--or any other one of your choice---by discussing & analyzing in such detail you inevitably learn far more about each other. This I know to be true, KK.
However, it is not easy, to be sure.
The truth is that it's not in our DNA these days to do so. It is slow and tedious and takes a long time. But is does work, amazingly.
i.e.--Go through CLOSER by Patrick Marber, line by line, and we will learn so much about how we feel and think about relationships, toxic and otherwise...Go through a Bernard/Homolka book, and we learn how we think about sociopathy and very toxic relationships--and much more.
The truth is---you write so much with your blogs, etc. I don't know if you have time, period!
>Reviews of a Single Man and Lovely Bones from USA Today.
>Comments on "The Good Wife". It's a good show, period. Chick TV or not.
>A brutal cartoon, but it says exactly what I think about those ridiculous new guidelines for mammograms. Deadly too.
Go wild on your trip to Japan...or welcome back, Kelly. Write again soo. I will hope to have a few letters waiting for you when you return... You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl. (It also returns in January!)
Yours,
Michael
Hey Kelly---
With you leaving for Japan in (I'm guessing) about a week, this will probably be the last letter with a chance of reaching you before you sojourn in the Far East. Even if it doesn't....the New Year begins...So--what I didn't get to from your last letter:
>OK-in high school & college (not so much after) you have your "Quinns" and your "Rachels". I agree, Quinn is stunning. She represents the blonde cheerleader type that always seems to "have it all" in school. See also: "Ten Things I Hate About You:" where Bianca is the cute blonde & Katerina is the disliked non-conformist (played by Julia Stiles). Rachel is the usually brunette, not-so-cool, non-conformist, usually more intellectual, non-cheerleader type.
"Quinns" attract the men early, but we all know it is the fiery "Rachels" who are smoldering volcanoes of brilliance, passion, & raw sexuality!
Anyway-that's how Hollywood & TV see it. There is some truth to it--although we're not talking about en exact science here.
>Most interesting that you shy away at least a little from "depressing films". You & I differ significantly in that area. Iwould must rather see a "White Ribbon" or "Precious" or "Antichrist" than a cookie-cutter romantic comedy, or mindless action-adventure. But I know you are an aficionado of the dark & complex and offbeat. You'd see "Precious" or "White Ribbon" or "And the Band Played On" with me, wouldn't you?
>Given my circumstances, you know you can't use the phrases "too long to get into" or "too long and strange..." to avoid describing your relationship with someone at work--and the ending which was the "strangest experience you have ever had." THAT is saying a lot, given your quite remarkable and dramatic life. Would love to hear it in detail. Can I tell you a similar story?
You say you "miss him still" .. Here's a question for you, KK: Before I went to Africa, I was with a young widow, who had lost her husband to a terrible illness two years before...When you got past the platitudes she had to use with her relatives, do you know what she missed--truly missed far & away the most? Think about it, and you know what I mean by the "usual platitudes". What she said and why and my comments in the New Year...
>NoteGuy. No passion. That says it all. You must have heat and passion and intense desire early on. He needs to want her in every possible way sexually, and emotionally--and she needs to want him inside her everywhere. Can't say more without getting into those topics which you shy away from--but there is more, much more, KK.
>Sorry, Actually this time I had no intention to be cryptic. If and when we do read a book together--whether it be Bernard/Homolka--or any other one of your choice---by discussing & analyzing in such detail you inevitably learn far more about each other. This I know to be true, KK.
However, it is not easy, to be sure.
The truth is that it's not in our DNA these days to do so. It is slow and tedious and takes a long time. But is does work, amazingly.
i.e.--Go through CLOSER by Patrick Marber, line by line, and we will learn so much about how we feel and think about relationships, toxic and otherwise...Go through a Bernard/Homolka book, and we learn how we think about sociopathy and very toxic relationships--and much more.
The truth is---you write so much with your blogs, etc. I don't know if you have time, period!
>Reviews of a Single Man and Lovely Bones from USA Today.
>Comments on "The Good Wife". It's a good show, period. Chick TV or not.
>A brutal cartoon, but it says exactly what I think about those ridiculous new guidelines for mammograms. Deadly too.
Go wild on your trip to Japan...or welcome back, Kelly. Write again soo. I will hope to have a few letters waiting for you when you return... You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl. (It also returns in January!)
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #23
Dear Kelly,
What a great card! For Christmas, I love all things glittery, shiny or soft. I got glittery and shiny cards--yours is the first soft and velvety one. Yes, Yes, I am a believer. Santa Claus, come rescue me!
I got a letter from you a couple of days ago but figured you'd be on your way to Japan by the time I responded, so I didn't hurry, but now you may not be going after all! Wow! 4 million, Kelly? I can't imagine anything you've done worth that much money. People are totally fucking ridiculous. A kid gets molested by her father, beat by her mother, totally fucks her whole childhood up and gives her issues for life and nothing happens. Maybe one of them goes to jail for a couple of years. But you don't see kids suing their parents for millions and they SHOULD, if anyone should. What the fuck is wrong with people today? RIDICULOUS!
It's good to hear you are working p/t for the chiropractor. At least you can make ends meet for now. I know how hard things are right now. I have been there, in a dark place with an uncertain future and wishing a meteor would fall out of orbit, not burn up, and flatten me on impact. No pain, just oblivion. And i've thought of a hundred other scenarios, some where I am a little more in control. It hurts.
No matter what happens, Kelly, you will survive it. Anything, ever, always, is temporary. Wealth, happiness, anger, depression, poverty, fear, people, jobs, dogs--all temporary. Power-temporary. Nothing lasts forever except energy. And even with it, it's form is constantly changing--it's temporary.
There is nothing in the future that you cannot handle. I believe it. You are resourceful.
Reid annoys you, yet you go back for more. NoteGuy is a douchebag, and still, you accept excuses for his behavior. Punk musician was a nice distraction for a fleeting moment. You deserve so much better. Where oh where is your Romeo?
Despite NG being a self-absorbed douchebag (I hadn't heard that term in years until a lady here cam and was fond of using it. Glad it's still alive and well), you had fun at the Guggenheim, and have fun memories and photos to show for it. What I see there, and in many of your stories is that youa re the one with great imagination and humor. A sense of adventure! You are a prize. Always remember that when dealing with men. They are playing the lottery and you are the prize.
The prison name is the same; we moved the entire facility. Packed it up. Plopped it down. I have seen most of the land out here when I went to visit with my mom. It's a lot bigger. I hope they'll let me out when I'm scheduled (Sunday). I see that one of the Administrators is here, which only means one thing: interviews/meetings to let people out, because usually the bad news comes with one piece of paper. They've too ____ (something) to deliver that in person.
There are several new officers/staff. Some are nice. Some are mean.
So it goes.
I wonder if you will still do an impromptu art show for NoteGuy. Hell, that could end up in another retardedly large lawsuit. This world has no sense of humor. Good luck!
I am pleased to annouce my ladybug hostel has been occupied. 20 or 23 nights. I love watching these bugs. The other day I fed it applesauce, then witnessed it poop while crawling up my wall. Then I wondered what happens when it's crawling on the ceiling above my bed (where it usually is) and relieves itself? Nice thought.
I just finished reading Adventures of Huckleberry Finn--I enjoy the classics. I wonder waht the late 20th centure will be remembered for in literature?
I'm off. Hopefully they'll see me, too, and SET ME FREE!
Take good care and have a Merry Christmas!
Sarah
What a great card! For Christmas, I love all things glittery, shiny or soft. I got glittery and shiny cards--yours is the first soft and velvety one. Yes, Yes, I am a believer. Santa Claus, come rescue me!
I got a letter from you a couple of days ago but figured you'd be on your way to Japan by the time I responded, so I didn't hurry, but now you may not be going after all! Wow! 4 million, Kelly? I can't imagine anything you've done worth that much money. People are totally fucking ridiculous. A kid gets molested by her father, beat by her mother, totally fucks her whole childhood up and gives her issues for life and nothing happens. Maybe one of them goes to jail for a couple of years. But you don't see kids suing their parents for millions and they SHOULD, if anyone should. What the fuck is wrong with people today? RIDICULOUS!
It's good to hear you are working p/t for the chiropractor. At least you can make ends meet for now. I know how hard things are right now. I have been there, in a dark place with an uncertain future and wishing a meteor would fall out of orbit, not burn up, and flatten me on impact. No pain, just oblivion. And i've thought of a hundred other scenarios, some where I am a little more in control. It hurts.
No matter what happens, Kelly, you will survive it. Anything, ever, always, is temporary. Wealth, happiness, anger, depression, poverty, fear, people, jobs, dogs--all temporary. Power-temporary. Nothing lasts forever except energy. And even with it, it's form is constantly changing--it's temporary.
There is nothing in the future that you cannot handle. I believe it. You are resourceful.
Reid annoys you, yet you go back for more. NoteGuy is a douchebag, and still, you accept excuses for his behavior. Punk musician was a nice distraction for a fleeting moment. You deserve so much better. Where oh where is your Romeo?
Despite NG being a self-absorbed douchebag (I hadn't heard that term in years until a lady here cam and was fond of using it. Glad it's still alive and well), you had fun at the Guggenheim, and have fun memories and photos to show for it. What I see there, and in many of your stories is that youa re the one with great imagination and humor. A sense of adventure! You are a prize. Always remember that when dealing with men. They are playing the lottery and you are the prize.
The prison name is the same; we moved the entire facility. Packed it up. Plopped it down. I have seen most of the land out here when I went to visit with my mom. It's a lot bigger. I hope they'll let me out when I'm scheduled (Sunday). I see that one of the Administrators is here, which only means one thing: interviews/meetings to let people out, because usually the bad news comes with one piece of paper. They've too ____ (something) to deliver that in person.
There are several new officers/staff. Some are nice. Some are mean.
So it goes.
I wonder if you will still do an impromptu art show for NoteGuy. Hell, that could end up in another retardedly large lawsuit. This world has no sense of humor. Good luck!
I am pleased to annouce my ladybug hostel has been occupied. 20 or 23 nights. I love watching these bugs. The other day I fed it applesauce, then witnessed it poop while crawling up my wall. Then I wondered what happens when it's crawling on the ceiling above my bed (where it usually is) and relieves itself? Nice thought.
I just finished reading Adventures of Huckleberry Finn--I enjoy the classics. I wonder waht the late 20th centure will be remembered for in literature?
I'm off. Hopefully they'll see me, too, and SET ME FREE!
Take good care and have a Merry Christmas!
Sarah
Monday, December 21, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Chris Porco, #4
Dear Kelly,
Sooo feel free to yell, scream, curse, etc. at me for being terrible about writing for lets say the past 2 months or so. I am not even sure when I actually wrote last, but I know it hasn't been recent. There's no great excuse, but there was a perfect storm type deal the past couple of months that may have interfered with correspondence. (Not just with you.) .. I had several school deadlines in November that I came very close to missing. And more importantly my oral arguments for my appeal were on November 30th, and I was basically a wreck leading up to them. Add all that to the time warp bubble of prison, and you get two months without a letter. I'm truly sorry...
So that's my mea culpa. Far from adequate, I suppose, but believe me, I've gotten several heated letters in the past couple of weeks wondering where I am. So I am taking a day or two to catch up with everyone.
I have always wanted to go to Tokyo. It is cool as hell you are headed there soon. I hope you get this before you go, I am not sure of your departure date. Have you done the Craigslist route before when traveling? It sound like you found a great place, Tokyo real estate is definitely not cheap. Have a safe, fun trip, have you been to Japan before? It is on my top ten places I'd like to go.
I have to tell you, I think it is hilarious that you apply for positions/jobs just for the process of it. I don't know you all that well, but it seems to fit your personality perfectly. Clearly you are well read and intelligent. I bet you are qualified for a whole host of positions you haven't tried for yet. How often do you do this? would you consider taking one of the jobs? I am 26, and still not confident that I use semicolons correctly. Just the fact that you would even think of that as a potential lesson says a lot about you. When it is? Any thoughts of doing it full time?
My oral arguments were held in Brooklyn on November 30th. I was anxious as hell for several weeks beforehand, it felt like my trial all over again. I think I usually am fairly even tempered, but I had that knot thing in my stomach, and couldn't stop thinking about it. It is very unsettling to know your life is in someone else's hands, and there isn't much you can do to affect the result. So at present, theree old white men and one woman are deciding if I should be sprung outta here, or rot for 43 more years. Routine for them, but sort of a big moment in my life, you know?
Anyway, it went really well. In general, oral arguments in criminal appeals take five to ten minutes per side; mine took 40 for us and 15 for the DA. (Like the semicolon?) We had requested 20 minutes, but there minutes in the judges started asking my lawyer questions, and didn't stop for the next 40 minutes. They clearly had read everything, and had come up with a lot of things to ask. That isn't as common as you might think... They didn't ask my lawyer anything he couldn't answer, and at times were making comments and asking rhetorical questions that seemed to prove our points for us. It is impossible to tell how things look at this point, but hte lawyers were thrilled with how it went.
My mom went down with a few friends, and I was calling her every hour to check in on the status of everything. Two of my dad's lawyer friends went with her, and they talked to me on the car ride hom about some of the more complicated parts that my mom didn't pick up on. The next morning I talked to my lawyers for an hour or so, and went through it all in detail. A local news station broadcast it live in Albany, (slow news day), and then posted most of it online. So I was able to hear a lot of it over the phone which was nice. There is no court reporter in the appellate courts, so the video is the only record of what happened. My friend works at the station, Capital 9 News, (sort of like NY1 in Albany) , and she is trying to get the full copy for us. If you have interest, it is online somewhere inside capital9news.com
The DA took 15 minutes or so, and clearly was not well prepared. I am a biased party, obviously, but everyone I talked to said he didn't have command of the trial record of the relevant case law. The judges corrected him on things multiple times, and seemed to get frustrated at the amount of repition of points they had already discredited. They admonished him a couple of times to stop quoting irrelevant case law off of note cards. I wish I could have seen that, he is an ass.
Generally the decision take a month or so to come out, but the length of our briefs and the holidays throw a wrench in that timeline. So end of December would be a surprise more likely January some time. We will see, keep your fingers crossed.
There isn't a whole lot else going on here, I have my Latin final tomorrow, I am semi prepared. I almost got in a fight earlier today too. I've been here three years, and only had one other fight, some guy who decided to wave at me, (not with his hands). There can't be any tolerance for things like that in here...Anyway this guy is a former NYPD who thinks he is still a cop. His name is Lau or something, he is here for shooting another cop in a road rage type incident. We found out today that he is keeping written files on people here in the hopes that he can offer information to some DA to get time off his sentence. That does not make you a popular guy, as you can imagine. So he and I were chatting about his behavior, and another guy I am friendly with decided to punch him, so I just sorta watched. The cops, (Correction Officers), were all standing around laughing, they hate the guy too. I am not sure where he is now, either the hospital or protective custody. Lovely, right?
I am about to go outside and work out, so I will end here for now. We had a lot of snow the past couple of days, so it can get a little dicey pushing a lot of weight that is covered in ice. I guess that's why normal people work out indoors in gyms.... Take care, ok? Safe trip. I am jealous, it sounds wonderful. I'll be in touch soon, I promise. And yes, I would love to read more of your writing... Bye!
Chris
Sooo feel free to yell, scream, curse, etc. at me for being terrible about writing for lets say the past 2 months or so. I am not even sure when I actually wrote last, but I know it hasn't been recent. There's no great excuse, but there was a perfect storm type deal the past couple of months that may have interfered with correspondence. (Not just with you.) .. I had several school deadlines in November that I came very close to missing. And more importantly my oral arguments for my appeal were on November 30th, and I was basically a wreck leading up to them. Add all that to the time warp bubble of prison, and you get two months without a letter. I'm truly sorry...
So that's my mea culpa. Far from adequate, I suppose, but believe me, I've gotten several heated letters in the past couple of weeks wondering where I am. So I am taking a day or two to catch up with everyone.
I have always wanted to go to Tokyo. It is cool as hell you are headed there soon. I hope you get this before you go, I am not sure of your departure date. Have you done the Craigslist route before when traveling? It sound like you found a great place, Tokyo real estate is definitely not cheap. Have a safe, fun trip, have you been to Japan before? It is on my top ten places I'd like to go.
I have to tell you, I think it is hilarious that you apply for positions/jobs just for the process of it. I don't know you all that well, but it seems to fit your personality perfectly. Clearly you are well read and intelligent. I bet you are qualified for a whole host of positions you haven't tried for yet. How often do you do this? would you consider taking one of the jobs? I am 26, and still not confident that I use semicolons correctly. Just the fact that you would even think of that as a potential lesson says a lot about you. When it is? Any thoughts of doing it full time?
My oral arguments were held in Brooklyn on November 30th. I was anxious as hell for several weeks beforehand, it felt like my trial all over again. I think I usually am fairly even tempered, but I had that knot thing in my stomach, and couldn't stop thinking about it. It is very unsettling to know your life is in someone else's hands, and there isn't much you can do to affect the result. So at present, theree old white men and one woman are deciding if I should be sprung outta here, or rot for 43 more years. Routine for them, but sort of a big moment in my life, you know?
Anyway, it went really well. In general, oral arguments in criminal appeals take five to ten minutes per side; mine took 40 for us and 15 for the DA. (Like the semicolon?) We had requested 20 minutes, but there minutes in the judges started asking my lawyer questions, and didn't stop for the next 40 minutes. They clearly had read everything, and had come up with a lot of things to ask. That isn't as common as you might think... They didn't ask my lawyer anything he couldn't answer, and at times were making comments and asking rhetorical questions that seemed to prove our points for us. It is impossible to tell how things look at this point, but hte lawyers were thrilled with how it went.
My mom went down with a few friends, and I was calling her every hour to check in on the status of everything. Two of my dad's lawyer friends went with her, and they talked to me on the car ride hom about some of the more complicated parts that my mom didn't pick up on. The next morning I talked to my lawyers for an hour or so, and went through it all in detail. A local news station broadcast it live in Albany, (slow news day), and then posted most of it online. So I was able to hear a lot of it over the phone which was nice. There is no court reporter in the appellate courts, so the video is the only record of what happened. My friend works at the station, Capital 9 News, (sort of like NY1 in Albany) , and she is trying to get the full copy for us. If you have interest, it is online somewhere inside capital9news.com
The DA took 15 minutes or so, and clearly was not well prepared. I am a biased party, obviously, but everyone I talked to said he didn't have command of the trial record of the relevant case law. The judges corrected him on things multiple times, and seemed to get frustrated at the amount of repition of points they had already discredited. They admonished him a couple of times to stop quoting irrelevant case law off of note cards. I wish I could have seen that, he is an ass.
Generally the decision take a month or so to come out, but the length of our briefs and the holidays throw a wrench in that timeline. So end of December would be a surprise more likely January some time. We will see, keep your fingers crossed.
There isn't a whole lot else going on here, I have my Latin final tomorrow, I am semi prepared. I almost got in a fight earlier today too. I've been here three years, and only had one other fight, some guy who decided to wave at me, (not with his hands). There can't be any tolerance for things like that in here...Anyway this guy is a former NYPD who thinks he is still a cop. His name is Lau or something, he is here for shooting another cop in a road rage type incident. We found out today that he is keeping written files on people here in the hopes that he can offer information to some DA to get time off his sentence. That does not make you a popular guy, as you can imagine. So he and I were chatting about his behavior, and another guy I am friendly with decided to punch him, so I just sorta watched. The cops, (Correction Officers), were all standing around laughing, they hate the guy too. I am not sure where he is now, either the hospital or protective custody. Lovely, right?
I am about to go outside and work out, so I will end here for now. We had a lot of snow the past couple of days, so it can get a little dicey pushing a lot of weight that is covered in ice. I guess that's why normal people work out indoors in gyms.... Take care, ok? Safe trip. I am jealous, it sounds wonderful. I'll be in touch soon, I promise. And yes, I would love to read more of your writing... Bye!
Chris
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Letters from the Inside: Ann Kontz & Susan Smith
Both sent me photocopied Xmas greetings that dealt with the Lord. Apparently they both are on the All Jesus All the Time Diet.
From Susan Smith:
May Jesus, our Savior
who was born on Christmas Day,
Bless you at this season
in a very special way.
May the beauty and the promise
of that silent night
Fill your heart with peace and happiness
and make your new year bright.
Then in her handwriting she wrote:
Dear Kelly,
Hope you have a merry & bright Christmas. I'm blessed to know you. You're a great person. Happy New Year too!
Love, Susan
***
Ann sent me an actual Xmas card that has a picture of a tree on it and says: Every Gift of the Season Comes Wrapped in the Love of Jesus.
It is signed: Paul & Ann [Paul is her new husband. She is in jail for poisoning her first one.]
Cards and stamps can be nearly impossible to come by in here--so once again I am thankful to have Paul's help in sending out my Christmas blessings.
2009 has been a good, busy, fruitful and productive year. I've met some new people--both in here and out there. I've formed beautiful and lasting friendships. god has blessed me. Two women that I've met have truly inspired me. One is my accountability partner and we help each other through the rough spots & celebrate though the joyful times. The other has grown to be my best-friend in here. She is my prayer partner---she encourages me, studies with me and we enjoy our time together bringing God's glory. We are there for each other through thick and thin. I never expected to find such beautiful people in prison.
Having said that, I've learned a great deal about people in general this year--God has blessed me with a spirit of discernment. While He has revealed the beauty of people to me, He has also shown me that the opposite exists. Many in here are only self-serving. While learning this doesn't ever come easy in life--I am thankful to God for the growth that came from it.
My family is wonderful. Clare is loving school. Reading is her favorite & she enjoys reading to me when I call. She is so expressive and gifted. Jessica got married this past June to a wonderful man named Owen--God is blessing their union.
After two years in Horticulture I earned an Apprenticeship in Landscape Design from Wake Tech Community College. I've moved into a new job working in the Store. It's a busy job. When I'm not serving customers, I'm stocking shelves, etc. It's 7 days a week and I have little free time. I work on holidays and I find it helps to pass time quickly and keep me distracted.
I pray for you and your family to have a wonderful holiday.
I'd love to hear back from you--hear how you're doing--you're in my prayers.
I love you,
Ann
From Susan Smith:
May Jesus, our Savior
who was born on Christmas Day,
Bless you at this season
in a very special way.
May the beauty and the promise
of that silent night
Fill your heart with peace and happiness
and make your new year bright.
Then in her handwriting she wrote:
Dear Kelly,
Hope you have a merry & bright Christmas. I'm blessed to know you. You're a great person. Happy New Year too!
Love, Susan
***
Ann sent me an actual Xmas card that has a picture of a tree on it and says: Every Gift of the Season Comes Wrapped in the Love of Jesus.
It is signed: Paul & Ann [Paul is her new husband. She is in jail for poisoning her first one.]
Cards and stamps can be nearly impossible to come by in here--so once again I am thankful to have Paul's help in sending out my Christmas blessings.
2009 has been a good, busy, fruitful and productive year. I've met some new people--both in here and out there. I've formed beautiful and lasting friendships. god has blessed me. Two women that I've met have truly inspired me. One is my accountability partner and we help each other through the rough spots & celebrate though the joyful times. The other has grown to be my best-friend in here. She is my prayer partner---she encourages me, studies with me and we enjoy our time together bringing God's glory. We are there for each other through thick and thin. I never expected to find such beautiful people in prison.
Having said that, I've learned a great deal about people in general this year--God has blessed me with a spirit of discernment. While He has revealed the beauty of people to me, He has also shown me that the opposite exists. Many in here are only self-serving. While learning this doesn't ever come easy in life--I am thankful to God for the growth that came from it.
My family is wonderful. Clare is loving school. Reading is her favorite & she enjoys reading to me when I call. She is so expressive and gifted. Jessica got married this past June to a wonderful man named Owen--God is blessing their union.
After two years in Horticulture I earned an Apprenticeship in Landscape Design from Wake Tech Community College. I've moved into a new job working in the Store. It's a busy job. When I'm not serving customers, I'm stocking shelves, etc. It's 7 days a week and I have little free time. I work on holidays and I find it helps to pass time quickly and keep me distracted.
I pray for you and your family to have a wonderful holiday.
I'd love to hear back from you--hear how you're doing--you're in my prayers.
I love you,
Ann
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #66
Ed: What is particularly interesting about this letter is that enclosed with it was a cut-out of a great article by Martha Stout, the author of The Sociopath Next Door. I find it particularly interesting that Swango knows I think he is a sociopath and have questioned him extensively about his nature, and he responds by giving me this article about sociopaths. How fucking meta is that? A sociopath sending you an article about sociopathy...
Martha Stout Article about Sociopaths, Interview Magazine
My Dear Kelly,
Let me start with your two very good pieces of news in your last letter:
>Based on enthusiam alone, I hope you are chosen for the NYC Teaching Fellowship! You made two really good points in your application: that you were one of those hi-risk kids; and that you believe a teacher has to integrate pop cutlure into the curriculum to reach kids raised on the internet, TV & cellphones.
>Great score using Apt Swap on CL. With a penthouse in the middle of Tokyo as a base, this could be one of your best "vacations" ever. I'm sure your blogs from there will be amazing, although regrettably highly self-censored?!!
In my last letter or so, I mentioned Chelsea Handler and her rather colorful way of referring to sexual encourters of the celebrity kind. So imagine my surprise this past Tuesday night when watching one of those "below the radar" television series I talked about, "The Good Wife"--the plot line involved a fictional episode of the real Chelsea Handler show. The hooker who slept with the "good wife's" jailed husband goes on Chelsea's show and tell some tall tales causing problems for husband and wife.
Here's the irony: CBS's audience skews older/and many people who watch CBS drama do not watch Chelea--and I would imagine some don't even realize that she is a real person.
Your absinthe story was cute. Believe it or not, I rarely drank alcohol before I went to Africa. But some of the concoctions there were unbelievably strong. A story or two to follow...
Thanks for the Emily Nussbaum essay on the 3rd season of MAD MEN. She captures the essence of the show quite well. She saw as well how Trudy is the only thing keeping Pete Campbell from crashing and burning.
From Stephen King's short story "L.T.'s Theory of Pets":
"In a marriage, words are like rain. And the land of a marriage is filled with dry washes and arroyos that can become raging rivers in almost the blink of an eye. The therapists believe in talk, but most of them are either divorced or gay... It's silence that is marriage's best friend."
Your thoughts on this, KK?
***
Two items continuing with the teme of "windows" and "willing partners".
>The startling effect of music: Listening to that son "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga & watching the video absolutely raises endorphins. I'm convinced. By the way, regarding the song: Talk about your bad relationships... I want your ugly/I want your disease/I want your psycho...I want your love...Oh yea! No problems here!
Again, just based on talking to many people in the past, I believe the effects are more pronounced than in most. With many different pop/rock songs, as well as classical---only a few of which I've mentioned.
>It is because music & films & books are so individualized to our own nuances & idiosyncracies, that knowing which ones really touch something inside of you can tell you so much about someone. Really. [In the above, the underlinings are actually necessary!]
A note regarding the shootings at Fort Hood, Texas: Did you notice that five of those killed were over 50, well over 50 in some cases: Ages 62, 56, 55, 52, & 51. The 55 year old was a woman.
And another hallmark of today's military--three women were amonth the dead: the woman above/a pregnant 21 y/o/and a 29 y/o sergeant.
DATE FOR YOUR CALENDAR:
Tuesday, February 2
Final Season of "Lost" begins.
* Finally: For you, KK: Ran across this inteview with the author of a recent book. If you don't already own it, I'm sure you will. Please tell me all about and we can discuss if you'd like.
Must wrap this up. Again, my apologies for the significant delays caused by the L-O-N-G weekend.
You take care--stay super healthy for Japan. Thinking of you, & hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Suddenly, "Threesomes" seem to be all over pop culture: the recent "Gossip Girl" episode/the Brittany Spears song "3"/even that above-mentioned episode of the "Good Wife"...
Certainly some discussion to be had, but not today!
Martha Stout Article about Sociopaths, Interview Magazine
My Dear Kelly,
Let me start with your two very good pieces of news in your last letter:
>Based on enthusiam alone, I hope you are chosen for the NYC Teaching Fellowship! You made two really good points in your application: that you were one of those hi-risk kids; and that you believe a teacher has to integrate pop cutlure into the curriculum to reach kids raised on the internet, TV & cellphones.
>Great score using Apt Swap on CL. With a penthouse in the middle of Tokyo as a base, this could be one of your best "vacations" ever. I'm sure your blogs from there will be amazing, although regrettably highly self-censored?!!
In my last letter or so, I mentioned Chelsea Handler and her rather colorful way of referring to sexual encourters of the celebrity kind. So imagine my surprise this past Tuesday night when watching one of those "below the radar" television series I talked about, "The Good Wife"--the plot line involved a fictional episode of the real Chelsea Handler show. The hooker who slept with the "good wife's" jailed husband goes on Chelsea's show and tell some tall tales causing problems for husband and wife.
Here's the irony: CBS's audience skews older/and many people who watch CBS drama do not watch Chelea--and I would imagine some don't even realize that she is a real person.
Your absinthe story was cute. Believe it or not, I rarely drank alcohol before I went to Africa. But some of the concoctions there were unbelievably strong. A story or two to follow...
Thanks for the Emily Nussbaum essay on the 3rd season of MAD MEN. She captures the essence of the show quite well. She saw as well how Trudy is the only thing keeping Pete Campbell from crashing and burning.
From Stephen King's short story "L.T.'s Theory of Pets":
"In a marriage, words are like rain. And the land of a marriage is filled with dry washes and arroyos that can become raging rivers in almost the blink of an eye. The therapists believe in talk, but most of them are either divorced or gay... It's silence that is marriage's best friend."
Your thoughts on this, KK?
***
Two items continuing with the teme of "windows" and "willing partners".
>The startling effect of music: Listening to that son "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga & watching the video absolutely raises endorphins. I'm convinced. By the way, regarding the song: Talk about your bad relationships... I want your ugly/I want your disease/I want your psycho...I want your love...Oh yea! No problems here!
Again, just based on talking to many people in the past, I believe the effects are more pronounced than in most. With many different pop/rock songs, as well as classical---only a few of which I've mentioned.
>It is because music & films & books are so individualized to our own nuances & idiosyncracies, that knowing which ones really touch something inside of you can tell you so much about someone. Really. [In the above, the underlinings are actually necessary!]
A note regarding the shootings at Fort Hood, Texas: Did you notice that five of those killed were over 50, well over 50 in some cases: Ages 62, 56, 55, 52, & 51. The 55 year old was a woman.
And another hallmark of today's military--three women were amonth the dead: the woman above/a pregnant 21 y/o/and a 29 y/o sergeant.
DATE FOR YOUR CALENDAR:
Tuesday, February 2
Final Season of "Lost" begins.
* Finally: For you, KK: Ran across this inteview with the author of a recent book. If you don't already own it, I'm sure you will. Please tell me all about and we can discuss if you'd like.
Must wrap this up. Again, my apologies for the significant delays caused by the L-O-N-G weekend.
You take care--stay super healthy for Japan. Thinking of you, & hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Suddenly, "Threesomes" seem to be all over pop culture: the recent "Gossip Girl" episode/the Brittany Spears song "3"/even that above-mentioned episode of the "Good Wife"...
Certainly some discussion to be had, but not today!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #22
Kelly,
I received your letter. I'm looking forward to seeing if punk musician guy stays on the scene, and how long it will take you to ditch NoteGuy. It's fun being posted on your life, since mine, at the moment, sucks. To answer your questions:
I am still stuck in isolation here, even more so than where we were before. I can't talk to anyone, now, only see a few of them through small glass door windows. I have made good use of my limited knowledge of sign language. It's cold as hell in here. They say it is 67, but it feels like 62, which is a fine temperature on a sunny day with no breeze, with a sweater, while walking in the park. Not so good for sitting in a sunless room on a concrete slab.
We had to move the whole prison because the population of women inmates is growing due to ridiculously long sentences, a 67% recidivism rate for short-term sentences, and very little opportunity for rehabilitation. The state is broke, and can't afford to build more prisons, so we swapped. The juveniles had a capacity for 800, but only a couple hundred girls. They moved to a vacant wing of minimum security women's prison, we moved here and men are moving into Randolph St. Operations are still not up and going, but they are working on it. It's a mess. Rules change with each shift. No answers from people. Much confusion. And it's COLD. I'm really struggling to keep my sanity intact. I am sick of being locked in a room.
did you read my article based on the New Yorker article and my experience here?
Loved the description of the thrift store lighter. You are fun.
Thank you for helping my mother. She appreciates the help, and so do I. Unfortunately she didn't raise me much. Lots of reason why, but in the end, I needed her nurturing more than I needed the higher education my father provided. Such is life. And at least I've got good parents. We can all find fault in our parents, but I know how it could have been, and I count myself lucky.
I considered some more your jobless dilemma. You seem to have a network of friends and decent people in your life. Have you considered asking for help? People want to help you, if you just ask. Not saying you haven't, it just seems to me because you've had to be independent your whole life, perhaps you don't ask for help.
Are you familiar with the band "Def Leppard"? When I was a kid, my babysitter used to rock out to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "love Bites"--I had no idea that the drummer, Rick Allen, lost his arm in a motorcycle accident. And he kept on playing. I mean, wow. We're talking about a world wide known band, here. and it's a Rock band, so it's not like playing drums for Mother Goose lullabys. and it's not like he lost his foot--an arm is pretty necessary for drumming. What I love about it is that he didn't give up, he recreated the context of what drumming was. It's like a story my friend told me about sex. Most people think of sex as penile-vaginal penetration. Gays altered it to include anal sex. Lesbians crated a context that doesn't often use penetration, or uses other things like fingers, tongues, toys. One time she came upon a paraplegic woman with a hot femme laid over her lap. She created sex as having nothing to do with her pussy. and what about an impotent man? Sex doesn't start at orgasm. Nor at touching. Sex starts in the mind. One handed drumming started in his mind. Your employment status starts in your mind. You'll figure it out.
I hope this finds you well nd on your way to gainful employement, no worries, good food and friends, and enjoying life.
With care,
--Sarah
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Bart Corbin, #2
Hey Kelly,
Sorry. I hadn't thought of you as a school teacher :). Again, I received the letter on a Thursday so I could not mail you till Monday anyway.
No family for Thanksgiving? I hope you still had a good time. As I've (no reference to you) gotten older, I too have desire much more alone time. I can remember whe I almost needed crowds around me. Now I have one 24/7. Not what i had in mind.
Sorry, again, for the difficulties business is giving you. I hope some prospects are coming to light since your letter. It's tough everywhere, but real estate and advertising are some of the worst. Few things are recession proof (except alcohol). I read gyms too. I, or course, worked for myself also. It was the only real way to eventually be compensated as you thought worthwhile.
Have a great time in Japan. I've never been to the Orient. I never traveled much. It was one of the other things I meant to get to. I've been to Canada, the Cayman Islands a couple of times, Italy for a couple of weeks, and mostly domestic outside of that. I wish I had done more before the children were so young. Hey, maybe you can send me a cheap touristy postcard from there. Unless geishas are cheaper FexEx. :) My brother was in Thailand. he said they liked his belly. I bleieve it is a sign of being wealthy. Oh if that was all it took here :). He loved it. Sounded more like a man's paradise to me. I had a change to go to Segovia, Spain when I was in college. My Spanish teacher and I got along well and that was his hometown. He had just missed the cut to make the basketball team for the Olympics. He wasn't a big guy. Dated the Homecoming Queen for a while. I regret I didn't take him up on it, to see another country with a nature from then would have been perfect.
Well I'm not sure if the pictures do me justice, but I know this recent haircut doesn't. So hard to find a hair artiste these days. I supose they have to arrest more! :) Rob Lowe? (played me in the movie about my crime) Kind of surreal, but he is on the backside of his career, isn't he? He's not as tall or as big as I am. he shoudl research his projects more before accepting. Some people see this stuff and accept it as factual. Celebrities have too much benefit of the doubt and influence. Journalists do not write "true crime" books anyway; persuado "authors" do. Unfortunately, they feed a public blood-lust that is their substitution for boring lives.
I just finished reading "Hi Fidelity" that the movie was based on. I really liked it, easy read, but relevant in a funny way. I am now back on my classics kick and reading Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms. I read popular pulp too, but I like to sometimes lay back with some classics and read them. I don't feel quite so much like I wasted time.
I like most kinds of music: contemporary jazz, hard rock, some country. I don't care for most rap except for some of the more popular stuff. We can only receive cds here, no downloads, etc. and the radio reception is limited for the prison is a type of valley near some mountains not far from Alabama and Tennessee. We really only receive one station well.
We have TV and a little cable. Sports are on alot but we have a movie TV. The others tend to want to watch the same things over and over again like children. No DVDs with us anyway, so it is awhile before we see a new release. They call the TV the "Trick Box" here. Some here only live for what's on and you can get assaulted quick for arguments over what is to be on or changing a channel. I like Nirvana, also, I respect Tom Waits' writing.
You may be surprised how you would do in Georgia near Atlanta or in it. But its not the Big Apple. I imagine you would make friends where you want. Like I said before, one of my best girlfriends was from Rochester. I tend to speed it up too and get annoyed.
I have not been allowed contact with my sons since this time 2004. It always is hard for me and will continue to be. Their being kept from my mother and side of the family is an injustice that continues to be perpetrated by my in-laws. Nothing is ever enforced on them. I cannot call or write them or anything. I write them and send the letters and cards to my mother to keep so that one day maybe whthey can see I never forgot them. They live with my sister-in-law now. The one falsely portrayed as a heroine in the movie. None of those scenes actually happened, nor did the conversations. It must have really be a distortion because when she emailed my brother and disclaiming the movie before it aired.
I have received letters and interview requests as of recent. I will be forced now to at some time make a true account of things to counter the barrage of falsehoods portrayed as fact just so I may sometime have an opportunity at parole.
Anyway, I had no intention of rattling on for so long.
Hopefully, I will hear from you before your trip. If not, have fun, be careful, and soak in your Christmas and New Year in a memorable way.
Bart
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #21
Dear Kelly,
I received a postcard & card yesterday and a letter today. The holiday delayed things, as well as our facility move. My new address is: [redacted].
It's a bigger facility, but I'm still stuck in a room, this one colder, smaller, more isolated, and with a rash of not-so-gracious staff.
My mind is slipping away.
And in the meantime, I write away.
I called mom today and she said everything was worked out on the blog. Thanks, Kelly. She still has problems posting. I guess she only has a notepad on her computer and it wouldn't copy and paste correctly. If it's not one thing, it's another. We just keep trudging along.
I liked the vintage postcard. We got that pressed turkey load, matching ham, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and biscuit, stuffing and pumpkin dessert for lunch and bologna for dinner. :) That's how the holidays go here. Nice lunch, bagged dinner to let the kitchen workers off 1/2 day.
You are stressed because you are losing clients and can't find work in NY. You cannot find new clients nor a regular permanent job. What about the Teaching Fellow job? And none of your friends have any leads for you? I understand you are worried, facing a serious deficit between what you'll be earning vs. your basic expenses. That would be depressing. In the meantime, aren't there plenty of seasonal jobs? Every year, companies hire people for a few months through the holidays. Even a month-long job could help toward the loss of your one clients until you 1) find another and b) get where you are permanently employed.
You could also make $120/day as a housekeeper. I hear New Yorkers pay well for white English-speaking women.
I'm sorry if that somehow offended you. I am really just trying to help. When I worked and needed extra money, I went to a local restaurant and worked P/T as a salad girl. I stayed so busy with 2 jobs that I didn't have time to spend money. I saved up for what I needed and did fine. In 3 months, I'd quit with them knowing I could come back whenever I needed cash. Perhaps that is beneath you, or not acceptable as a quality of life, but my Dad taught me 2 things: you do what you must when shit gets hard and anyone can find a job in a day if you want one badly enough. Even as America's Most Wanted Woman, I managed to get 2 respectable jobs in less than 30 days. Maybe you need to move to the Midwest to make that happen? Ever consider working for the government?
Just an idea.
I hope you are able to enjoy your trip to Japan, even with this stress. As beautiful as it is, packed with a wholly different culture, you can visit lots of places and experiences without paying out the ass.
Maybe you need a roommate.
Maybe you'll meet a wealthy, intriguing, neat guy in Tokyo who would love to treat and you Stef to a few days of extraordinary events. Maybe you'll fall in love. Maybe he'll be a knight in shining armor!
A girl can dream.
Wil you do a traditional Japanese tea? See geisha girls? Wear a kimono? Sit on the floor to eat? go to a temple? What modern attractions do you want to see? When will you leave to go?
Pictures, pictures, pictures!
Perhaps you can go se the flamboyant gay Cuban seer guy and he can tell you waht to do. I hope it doesn't include fresh pig blood or lives chickens. Take your RAID and secretly spray the protective roaches when he isn't looking. :)
I hope you have good news.
Sarah
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #65
Dear KK,
OK, one-eye Wolverine--with a bit more time than my rushed letter on Thursday, let me more properly answer your most interesting letter. I'm actually starting this on Saturday--your "sacred" Saturday--so you're already in my thoughts...
In the latest episode of that quirky FX series, "The League", I noticed that Mr. Schaeffer was not only creator and producer, but also director. So this series truly is his baby.
Another topic, before I forget: Anyone with a life, let alone a busy one like yours (despite your protests to the contrary) could not possibly see or follow a fourth of the shows on television. Even I can't! But I'd thought I would mentioned some of the other good television I've noticed the past few months:
[Ed. He lists: The Mentalist, The Good Wife, Sons of Anarchy, & Mercy.]
To your letter, m'lady: (in order/ so I don't miss anything):
>Love Chinese food, Kelly. Actually their version here is pretty good. As is all the food for the most part.
>In Africa I probably ate native foods much more than most other Westerners. Where we might to a pigroast here, in Zimbabwe they would slaughter & roast a couple of goats. Their African preparation is marvelous. No question you would be a fan.
Maize (corn) on the cob is a stable. You can buy them from vendors on the street--cooked to order over a fire. Until the economy collapsed and the farms were decimated, Zimbabwe was renowned for its beef. We're talking super-prime rib & cuts of all kinds. And incredibly inexpensive by our standards.
>I am of course not surprised that you are familiar with and fascinated by the Bernardo/Homolka case from Canada. I absolutely wnat to know more myself. My offer regarding one of those paperbacks remains open---IF you are willing. So much to discuss...
Just based on my limited knowledge, I think Karla was under Bernardo's control to some degree. Her low self-esteem plus Bernardo's ultra-"charmer" personality...were certainly part of it. I mean, they killed her own sister.
Do not underestimate the sexual power that Bernardo held over her. Again--a subject worth much more detailed discussion.
KK--Have the Canadians make any documentaries and/or films on the case? AND: Can you find out the latest on Ms. Homolka? Are the Toronto columnists still railing against her plea deal?
>The Universe hasn't said S___! You weren't chosen for one interview for one fellowship. The Universe is MUCH larger.
>Yes, the "abortion doctor" story was not pleasant, but I can tell you taht there are those rare but critical times when such procedures are medically imperative. and all women should know that the current politician du jour--Ms. Palin--if she had her way--would outlaw abortion even for rape and incest. Stunning.
Wow-that's about half of your letter: a good thing that came in a small package.
>I apologize for my "cryptic comments". Along with my OCD underlining, it is (I suppose) part of my effort to make our letters more like face-to-face conversation. My bad. No, nothing about a song or anyone else. Howver-it has been my experience that one of the best ways to know someone (in such circumstances as these) is by knowing the music or books or songs or interests that truly move them.
i.e. -- lay in dark room and listen to Ravel's "Bolero" or the first movement of Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A.
OR Jeff Buckley's aching version of "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen and Sara McLaughlin's "In the Arms of an Angel."
KK--This is one reason why I would love to read a book or article or story that is particularly close to your heart---to understand and know you better.
Something about all four of these pieces of music touch something inside -- more than the average of such things for most people, or so it seems. and many more. Strange as it may seem for someone with my history, music is deeply, intricately, & intimately a part of me.
Isofar as my "willing & open partner:" I sense that you keep much of yourself separate from your letters. And that is, of course, perfectly OK. Unusual though, in that I may have mentioned that most people who have written want to discuss anything and everything. Remoteness & written word seem to foster a degree of openness and frankness.
But in so many ways, you are quite special--and I hope that as we continue to write and exchange thoughts & ideas we will grow closer and more free in our many discussions!
And I will try to avoid such cryptic comments in the future. Promse.
Must wrap this up so it goes out in the mail this evening. There will be, unfortunately, enough mail delays with the many holidays, especially on this end.
So briefly:
>Not surprised at all that your idea of a great Thanksgiving is cooking for one plus TV! You & I would get along just fine on holidays, KK! Since I was in college, I've worked virtually ever holiday of any consequence in some medical capacity. Some great holiday stories when we get to them...
They serve holiday meals here.
>A final note on music: It is rare that a pop song gets my attention: Mercy by Duffy was one in 7/08.
But--forget her bizarre get-ups & makeup: Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" is hypnotic & brilliantly done. I can see it playing non-stop in the dance clubs. Add "Gossip Girl" and "Twilight/New Moon/Vampires" and I guess I"m 1/4th teenage girl!
You take care and stay well. Thinking of you. Have a safe holiday.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. OMG! KK-Fantastic!
As this letter goes out on Monday, I just received your most recent letter. In which we hear of Kelly's very potential NYC Teaching Fellowship after mistakingly being told "NO". Now you're at the final interview stage.
As mentioned earlier, I told you the Universe had not spoken, F___ no!
AND you are going ot the Far East for the holidays! Postacards for moi from everywhere!
Wow--So much good news--I am truly happy for you.
Must mail this now--Will discuss abo ve & more in next letter(s).
XOXO
OK, one-eye Wolverine--with a bit more time than my rushed letter on Thursday, let me more properly answer your most interesting letter. I'm actually starting this on Saturday--your "sacred" Saturday--so you're already in my thoughts...
In the latest episode of that quirky FX series, "The League", I noticed that Mr. Schaeffer was not only creator and producer, but also director. So this series truly is his baby.
Another topic, before I forget: Anyone with a life, let alone a busy one like yours (despite your protests to the contrary) could not possibly see or follow a fourth of the shows on television. Even I can't! But I'd thought I would mentioned some of the other good television I've noticed the past few months:
[Ed. He lists: The Mentalist, The Good Wife, Sons of Anarchy, & Mercy.]
To your letter, m'lady: (in order/ so I don't miss anything):
>Love Chinese food, Kelly. Actually their version here is pretty good. As is all the food for the most part.
>In Africa I probably ate native foods much more than most other Westerners. Where we might to a pigroast here, in Zimbabwe they would slaughter & roast a couple of goats. Their African preparation is marvelous. No question you would be a fan.
Maize (corn) on the cob is a stable. You can buy them from vendors on the street--cooked to order over a fire. Until the economy collapsed and the farms were decimated, Zimbabwe was renowned for its beef. We're talking super-prime rib & cuts of all kinds. And incredibly inexpensive by our standards.
>I am of course not surprised that you are familiar with and fascinated by the Bernardo/Homolka case from Canada. I absolutely wnat to know more myself. My offer regarding one of those paperbacks remains open---IF you are willing. So much to discuss...
Just based on my limited knowledge, I think Karla was under Bernardo's control to some degree. Her low self-esteem plus Bernardo's ultra-"charmer" personality...were certainly part of it. I mean, they killed her own sister.
Do not underestimate the sexual power that Bernardo held over her. Again--a subject worth much more detailed discussion.
KK--Have the Canadians make any documentaries and/or films on the case? AND: Can you find out the latest on Ms. Homolka? Are the Toronto columnists still railing against her plea deal?
>The Universe hasn't said S___! You weren't chosen for one interview for one fellowship. The Universe is MUCH larger.
>Yes, the "abortion doctor" story was not pleasant, but I can tell you taht there are those rare but critical times when such procedures are medically imperative. and all women should know that the current politician du jour--Ms. Palin--if she had her way--would outlaw abortion even for rape and incest. Stunning.
Wow-that's about half of your letter: a good thing that came in a small package.
>I apologize for my "cryptic comments". Along with my OCD underlining, it is (I suppose) part of my effort to make our letters more like face-to-face conversation. My bad. No, nothing about a song or anyone else. Howver-it has been my experience that one of the best ways to know someone (in such circumstances as these) is by knowing the music or books or songs or interests that truly move them.
i.e. -- lay in dark room and listen to Ravel's "Bolero" or the first movement of Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A.
OR Jeff Buckley's aching version of "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen and Sara McLaughlin's "In the Arms of an Angel."
KK--This is one reason why I would love to read a book or article or story that is particularly close to your heart---to understand and know you better.
Something about all four of these pieces of music touch something inside -- more than the average of such things for most people, or so it seems. and many more. Strange as it may seem for someone with my history, music is deeply, intricately, & intimately a part of me.
Isofar as my "willing & open partner:" I sense that you keep much of yourself separate from your letters. And that is, of course, perfectly OK. Unusual though, in that I may have mentioned that most people who have written want to discuss anything and everything. Remoteness & written word seem to foster a degree of openness and frankness.
But in so many ways, you are quite special--and I hope that as we continue to write and exchange thoughts & ideas we will grow closer and more free in our many discussions!
And I will try to avoid such cryptic comments in the future. Promse.
Must wrap this up so it goes out in the mail this evening. There will be, unfortunately, enough mail delays with the many holidays, especially on this end.
So briefly:
>Not surprised at all that your idea of a great Thanksgiving is cooking for one plus TV! You & I would get along just fine on holidays, KK! Since I was in college, I've worked virtually ever holiday of any consequence in some medical capacity. Some great holiday stories when we get to them...
They serve holiday meals here.
>A final note on music: It is rare that a pop song gets my attention: Mercy by Duffy was one in 7/08.
But--forget her bizarre get-ups & makeup: Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" is hypnotic & brilliantly done. I can see it playing non-stop in the dance clubs. Add "Gossip Girl" and "Twilight/New Moon/Vampires" and I guess I"m 1/4th teenage girl!
You take care and stay well. Thinking of you. Have a safe holiday.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. OMG! KK-Fantastic!
As this letter goes out on Monday, I just received your most recent letter. In which we hear of Kelly's very potential NYC Teaching Fellowship after mistakingly being told "NO". Now you're at the final interview stage.
As mentioned earlier, I told you the Universe had not spoken, F___ no!
AND you are going ot the Far East for the holidays! Postacards for moi from everywhere!
Wow--So much good news--I am truly happy for you.
Must mail this now--Will discuss abo ve & more in next letter(s).
XOXO
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Barton Corbin, #1
About a month ago 48 Hours Mystery aired a show about Bartin Corbin, a successful, smart and handsome dentist with two kids whose wife was found dead, shot in the head. Georgian authorities assumed it was a suicide. It was found out she was having an online affair with a person she believed to be a man, only to find out later it was actually a woman. As police delved deeper they came across a startling discovery: While in dentistry school, Barton Corbin's girlfriend was also found with a bullet in her head and it was ruled a suicide. He was questioned and released. It would seem he had gotten away with murder twice, but not so... Eventually he confessed and pled guilty to both crimes.
You can learn a bit more about Barton and the case at the links below:
Barton Corbin Link One
Barton Corbin Link Two
You can watch the 48 Hour Show in parts on YouTube. To start you off, here is the first part: [the Synopsis of the case is written out on the CBS, 48 Hour Mystery site under: Love and Lies/Barton Corbin.
Two weeks ago Lifetime Movie Network had an original picture about the Barton Corbin case starring Rob Lowe. Chilling!
So I decide to write to Bart. He just wrote me back.
***
Ms. K*****,
Thank you for my card and letter you recently sent me. I did not receive it until the 19th, if that helps you understand turn-around time with the mail here. We only receive and can mail letters Mondays through Thursdays so I was no able to respond to yours unitl after the weekend. And I go by "Bart". Here they call me "Doc" for obvious reaons. By referring to the "TV Show" I assume that i sthe most recent piece of fiction ascribed to be about me, but there has been so many falsehoods, lies, embellishments, etc. that they would frame Oliver Stone as a credible historian by comparison.
You're right, it is indescribably boring in prison, and that may be its greatest torture from a day to day aspect. Of course, separation from your family and what "true" friends one may have is the worst, especially around special holidays.
I imagine there is no need to describe myself much since you have seen a little about me already. Outward dimensions: 6'3", 205lbs, brown eyes and hair. I'm about to turn 46. I read a lot here and enjoy working out just to keep myself up. We all like eating, but ht efood cures you of the enjoyment of it here; I never understand how a prisoner could stand enough of it here to get over-weight. No club fed here.
How has the real estate market downturn affected your usual business? They say I was in a recession-proof business, but I don't believe there is such a thing. I never made it to New York City, but I had a girlfriend from Rochester a long time ago and I made it though Buffalo on my way to Toronto, if you can believe that. I can't believe I didn't make it over there. I'm sorry you feel sometimes like you're living a cliche there,, but I, too, feel I am living a bad movie about the South sometimes also. I guess this is the inside looking out as opposed to the outside looking in opinion.
I see you're a "published writer" (nice picture) but I hope not to be included in media of any form. I believe I've padi my dues with regard to sensationalism and hope for some relief. I fear its populist effect on any future hopes I may entertain.
Well, I just wished to write you since you wrote me. If you would like to correspond, I would like that too. I am well as can be expected, I guess, and hope you are "holding it down" as they say here. By the time you receive this, I imagine Thanksgiving will be upon us, so I hope you enjoy yours. Wirte soon. This was as quickly as I could respond and the holiday will dlay, I am sure, our next letters. Till then...
P.S. do you like music? I like many forms, but I sitll like my somewhat "old school" rock. I just borrowed a friend's CHICKENFOOT cd (yes, cd :-) ) Ever heard it? Remember my dorm # on all letters. Y2A. It will arrive to me earlier.
Bart
You can learn a bit more about Barton and the case at the links below:
Barton Corbin Link One
Barton Corbin Link Two
You can watch the 48 Hour Show in parts on YouTube. To start you off, here is the first part: [the Synopsis of the case is written out on the CBS, 48 Hour Mystery site under: Love and Lies/Barton Corbin.
Two weeks ago Lifetime Movie Network had an original picture about the Barton Corbin case starring Rob Lowe. Chilling!
So I decide to write to Bart. He just wrote me back.
***
Ms. K*****,
Thank you for my card and letter you recently sent me. I did not receive it until the 19th, if that helps you understand turn-around time with the mail here. We only receive and can mail letters Mondays through Thursdays so I was no able to respond to yours unitl after the weekend. And I go by "Bart". Here they call me "Doc" for obvious reaons. By referring to the "TV Show" I assume that i sthe most recent piece of fiction ascribed to be about me, but there has been so many falsehoods, lies, embellishments, etc. that they would frame Oliver Stone as a credible historian by comparison.
You're right, it is indescribably boring in prison, and that may be its greatest torture from a day to day aspect. Of course, separation from your family and what "true" friends one may have is the worst, especially around special holidays.
I imagine there is no need to describe myself much since you have seen a little about me already. Outward dimensions: 6'3", 205lbs, brown eyes and hair. I'm about to turn 46. I read a lot here and enjoy working out just to keep myself up. We all like eating, but ht efood cures you of the enjoyment of it here; I never understand how a prisoner could stand enough of it here to get over-weight. No club fed here.
How has the real estate market downturn affected your usual business? They say I was in a recession-proof business, but I don't believe there is such a thing. I never made it to New York City, but I had a girlfriend from Rochester a long time ago and I made it though Buffalo on my way to Toronto, if you can believe that. I can't believe I didn't make it over there. I'm sorry you feel sometimes like you're living a cliche there,, but I, too, feel I am living a bad movie about the South sometimes also. I guess this is the inside looking out as opposed to the outside looking in opinion.
I see you're a "published writer" (nice picture) but I hope not to be included in media of any form. I believe I've padi my dues with regard to sensationalism and hope for some relief. I fear its populist effect on any future hopes I may entertain.
Well, I just wished to write you since you wrote me. If you would like to correspond, I would like that too. I am well as can be expected, I guess, and hope you are "holding it down" as they say here. By the time you receive this, I imagine Thanksgiving will be upon us, so I hope you enjoy yours. Wirte soon. This was as quickly as I could respond and the holiday will dlay, I am sure, our next letters. Till then...
P.S. do you like music? I like many forms, but I sitll like my somewhat "old school" rock. I just borrowed a friend's CHICKENFOOT cd (yes, cd :-) ) Ever heard it? Remember my dorm # on all letters. Y2A. It will arrive to me earlier.
Bart
Friday, November 27, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #62-64
Ed.: Got three letters from Swango today. Most discuss recent movies and tv shows. I'll be omitting that, but typing passages from all three that I find noteworthy. Probably the thing that is noteworthy to me is that I wrote to him about how I feel Don Draper of Mad Men is a true sociopath. I listed the DSM characteristics of one and Swango (who has also been called one) agrees. I find it interesting that I'm discussing sociopathy with a sociopath.
Dear Kelly,
...
Now to everyone's favorite "classic narcissistic sociopath" --Don Draper. Your analysis is totally correct, in my opinion, and I know quite a lot about this subject, unfortunately... Your quotes from the DSM IV are on-point. And you are right, your friend is wrong: Don Draper has absolutely no remorse. He is only sorry when he is caught.
Is he or she one of those who believe I am (or was, or both) the Devil Incarnate?
KK--it's clear you have studied the subject and know it well. Does that freak out your friends?! The better question is: Have you run across any classic sociopaths in your personal or business interactions?
...
Dear KK (AKA Rachel!), (Chill out, Kelly, it's a joke!)
Glee continues to fascinate...
Hoping to receive one of your scintillating letters when a full mail week begins tomorrow. In the meantime some items to share with you:
...
I'm enclsoing a column by Julia Baird on Letterman and workplace romances/affairs.
So KK-- pray tell, have you ever had any workplace affairs, hookups, or relationships? Within hospitals, I don't need to tell you what goes on...so much sexual tension and so many extra-marital affairs.
I must say, you do meet some unusual folks out there in the dating jungle, Kelly!
Your "Paranormal Activity" date with NoteGuy truly sounds like an episode of SEINFELD! OMG! that habit of acting out things with your hands would get VERY annoying VERY quickly.
And hands fused to arms with no wrists: "Mannequin Hands". How did ten years of Seinfeld miss that gem?!
The handsign for "Going Dutch" would be a finger stuck in a dike/since the guy is screwing his date (moneywise)--- It's the middle finger!
Ok now--what am I missing? In your apartment, you lying in bed all snuggled up in your pink scrubs. Almost every nurse I ever knew started out in bed wearing scrubs...cute, sexy and so much more.
You invite him into bed sans shoes and fall asleep...And you say he is good looking and I assume sexually attractive and I assume you are to him as well...As Chelsea Handler would say, why did thistory not end with multiple penetrations, multiple orgasms, and the tasting of bodily fluids by both of you?
I would say--why were there not loving, powerfully sexual and intimate moments---bringing each other to orgasm, every possible way...in the warmth and heat of that very inviting bed??
Again, sorry to corss your imaginary lines, but you have to admit that your story/date was heading in that direction. C'est la vie... Then again, perhaps (like "man hands") the idea of mannequin hands pawing and caressing one's body was simply too much! Ok. I'll stop now.
***
Finally your extensive two-page blog about "REIDTARD" was savagely funny. Woe be to these men who cross your path! you summed it up perfectly in your final comment, "He is all smoke and a 99 cent mirror." OUCH!!
...
Thanks for the list of paperback books on Bernardo/Homolka. [Ed.: if you don't know about these two sociopathic murderers, Google those two last names. The story is wild and so awful.]
Comments on the whole subject to follow. Here's an idea: Choose one of those paperbacks and buy one for you and another sent to me via Amazon.com---and we can discuss in detail. Remember--this is a long-term project . Will discuss all aspects of their relationship---the sociopathy, possible Stockholm Syndrome, etc. etc.
Will address the "insight" and "windows" & "willing partner" aspects of your letter over the weekend--BUT the above: reading this book together--all out on the table, would be a great way to make a breakthrough.
"OCD Underlining"---Trying too hard to make a letter more like a face-to-face converatoin, with emphasis & relative importance, etc.
Yours,
Michael
Dear Kelly,
...
Now to everyone's favorite "classic narcissistic sociopath" --Don Draper. Your analysis is totally correct, in my opinion, and I know quite a lot about this subject, unfortunately... Your quotes from the DSM IV are on-point. And you are right, your friend is wrong: Don Draper has absolutely no remorse. He is only sorry when he is caught.
Is he or she one of those who believe I am (or was, or both) the Devil Incarnate?
KK--it's clear you have studied the subject and know it well. Does that freak out your friends?! The better question is: Have you run across any classic sociopaths in your personal or business interactions?
...
Dear KK (AKA Rachel!), (Chill out, Kelly, it's a joke!)
Glee continues to fascinate...
Hoping to receive one of your scintillating letters when a full mail week begins tomorrow. In the meantime some items to share with you:
...
I'm enclsoing a column by Julia Baird on Letterman and workplace romances/affairs.
So KK-- pray tell, have you ever had any workplace affairs, hookups, or relationships? Within hospitals, I don't need to tell you what goes on...so much sexual tension and so many extra-marital affairs.
I must say, you do meet some unusual folks out there in the dating jungle, Kelly!
Your "Paranormal Activity" date with NoteGuy truly sounds like an episode of SEINFELD! OMG! that habit of acting out things with your hands would get VERY annoying VERY quickly.
And hands fused to arms with no wrists: "Mannequin Hands". How did ten years of Seinfeld miss that gem?!
The handsign for "Going Dutch" would be a finger stuck in a dike/since the guy is screwing his date (moneywise)--- It's the middle finger!
Ok now--what am I missing? In your apartment, you lying in bed all snuggled up in your pink scrubs. Almost every nurse I ever knew started out in bed wearing scrubs...cute, sexy and so much more.
You invite him into bed sans shoes and fall asleep...And you say he is good looking and I assume sexually attractive and I assume you are to him as well...As Chelsea Handler would say, why did thistory not end with multiple penetrations, multiple orgasms, and the tasting of bodily fluids by both of you?
I would say--why were there not loving, powerfully sexual and intimate moments---bringing each other to orgasm, every possible way...in the warmth and heat of that very inviting bed??
Again, sorry to corss your imaginary lines, but you have to admit that your story/date was heading in that direction. C'est la vie... Then again, perhaps (like "man hands") the idea of mannequin hands pawing and caressing one's body was simply too much! Ok. I'll stop now.
***
Finally your extensive two-page blog about "REIDTARD" was savagely funny. Woe be to these men who cross your path! you summed it up perfectly in your final comment, "He is all smoke and a 99 cent mirror." OUCH!!
...
Thanks for the list of paperback books on Bernardo/Homolka. [Ed.: if you don't know about these two sociopathic murderers, Google those two last names. The story is wild and so awful.]
Comments on the whole subject to follow. Here's an idea: Choose one of those paperbacks and buy one for you and another sent to me via Amazon.com---and we can discuss in detail. Remember--this is a long-term project . Will discuss all aspects of their relationship---the sociopathy, possible Stockholm Syndrome, etc. etc.
Will address the "insight" and "windows" & "willing partner" aspects of your letter over the weekend--BUT the above: reading this book together--all out on the table, would be a great way to make a breakthrough.
"OCD Underlining"---Trying too hard to make a letter more like a face-to-face converatoin, with emphasis & relative importance, etc.
Yours,
Michael
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #20
Dear Kelly,
Great story, Absinthe- many years ago I read an article in my science magazine about what Absinthe used to be and what it is now (the lighter version). I thought my ex-boyfriend would have loved it. Reading your story CRACKED me up--especially the taxi-cab cigarette incident. Perfect!
A good bathroom stall fucking. Haha. That's what a lot of prison sex is. I shall liken it to Absinthe in my mind next time I'm in population and I hear soft moans coming from the stall next to me.
Still, nothing beats a drunken cigarette incident.
I'm excited to hear how your Christmas and New Year's vacaction goes. I bet the Tokyo fireworks will be fantastic!!! You enjoy such a wonderful adventures in your life.
You travel, enjoy creating food, stories, oral and written have a job you enjoy, live where you want to live, have perfect body, great friends, and yet still, you are depressed often. It shows that no matter your circumstance, good or bad, happiness doesn't depend on that.
What do you think you are missing?
Are you swapping your apt or Stef's?
What was the thrift store item? What were your six words? I'm curious.
So, you haven't dumped NoteGuy for his miming or mannequin wrists?
:)
So, now that you have gone further in the process of Teaching Fellow will you follow through with it? And get your Master in Edu? Or will you go through it all just to experience the process?
You are so talented.
Oh. Well, in news here--we've moved the entire institution. Saturday morning I was fed potatoes and grits followed by a not so friendly strip search , then greeted by a dozen black clad officers, some in bulletproof vests, helmet w/ shield and headsets (what exactly did they think we were going to do?) Who chained us up, put us on a bus designed to transport prisoners. An hour wait and 20 minute police escorted ride later, we arrive. Greeted by dozens of officers, some familar, and other 1WP staff, we are locked in our new rooms. Cold. Bright lights. Hard angles. Unfriendly. Chaos. Confusion. We get fed bologna lunch, dinner, followed by pizza. The Superintendant's gesture for rough day.
Sunday was full of craziness. Lights blaring at 5am. Can't shut off. Guard says it's punishment so we won't come back. One woman, infuriated, demands it off, then rips up her pillow and mattress, stuffs it in her toilet, floods her room and the hall. They put her in a padded room, then strip her room to bare concrete and leave her in there to freeze. (It's 67 in here. Feels like 55.)
Then we got fed more bologna. Some genius takes away everyone's toilet paper. Why? Because we might flood our rooms as well. yet they leave our blankets, clothes, and a dozen other more appropriate things to use to clog a toilet. Duh. More bologna. I get threatened w/ a write up for using sign language to communicate across the hall. More pizza. (2nd day of lockdown). The shower experience was simply weird. We get locked in a cage, with nowhere to put our clothes/towel inside the cage. The shower heads are positioned at 3' and 5' high. WTF? Press the button. Squat for 10 seconds it flows. Stand. Lather. Squat. Press. Rinse. Stand. Etc. The lower nozzle only served to spray my kneecaps. The top nozzle watered my armpits. I manage to get my towel, only to accidently drench myself. When I got out, I tell the guard, "I feel like i've taken a hallucingen, become the protagonist in Gulliver's Travels and I'm in the Land of the Lilliput." She loosk at me weird. I say, "These showers are built for 8-year olds." She answers, "This was a juvenile facility." I say, "Yes, but I haven't been that short since I was like ten. Are all the showers like this? (There were three other cages.) She says, "No but this is the one that the juveniles liked the best."
She put me in the handicapped shower.
Things are better today. Still, I feel like I might have a meltdown. Keep you posted.
Happy Turkey Day!
Sarah
Great story, Absinthe- many years ago I read an article in my science magazine about what Absinthe used to be and what it is now (the lighter version). I thought my ex-boyfriend would have loved it. Reading your story CRACKED me up--especially the taxi-cab cigarette incident. Perfect!
A good bathroom stall fucking. Haha. That's what a lot of prison sex is. I shall liken it to Absinthe in my mind next time I'm in population and I hear soft moans coming from the stall next to me.
Still, nothing beats a drunken cigarette incident.
I'm excited to hear how your Christmas and New Year's vacaction goes. I bet the Tokyo fireworks will be fantastic!!! You enjoy such a wonderful adventures in your life.
You travel, enjoy creating food, stories, oral and written have a job you enjoy, live where you want to live, have perfect body, great friends, and yet still, you are depressed often. It shows that no matter your circumstance, good or bad, happiness doesn't depend on that.
What do you think you are missing?
Are you swapping your apt or Stef's?
What was the thrift store item? What were your six words? I'm curious.
So, you haven't dumped NoteGuy for his miming or mannequin wrists?
:)
So, now that you have gone further in the process of Teaching Fellow will you follow through with it? And get your Master in Edu? Or will you go through it all just to experience the process?
You are so talented.
Oh. Well, in news here--we've moved the entire institution. Saturday morning I was fed potatoes and grits followed by a not so friendly strip search , then greeted by a dozen black clad officers, some in bulletproof vests, helmet w/ shield and headsets (what exactly did they think we were going to do?) Who chained us up, put us on a bus designed to transport prisoners. An hour wait and 20 minute police escorted ride later, we arrive. Greeted by dozens of officers, some familar, and other 1WP staff, we are locked in our new rooms. Cold. Bright lights. Hard angles. Unfriendly. Chaos. Confusion. We get fed bologna lunch, dinner, followed by pizza. The Superintendant's gesture for rough day.
Sunday was full of craziness. Lights blaring at 5am. Can't shut off. Guard says it's punishment so we won't come back. One woman, infuriated, demands it off, then rips up her pillow and mattress, stuffs it in her toilet, floods her room and the hall. They put her in a padded room, then strip her room to bare concrete and leave her in there to freeze. (It's 67 in here. Feels like 55.)
Then we got fed more bologna. Some genius takes away everyone's toilet paper. Why? Because we might flood our rooms as well. yet they leave our blankets, clothes, and a dozen other more appropriate things to use to clog a toilet. Duh. More bologna. I get threatened w/ a write up for using sign language to communicate across the hall. More pizza. (2nd day of lockdown). The shower experience was simply weird. We get locked in a cage, with nowhere to put our clothes/towel inside the cage. The shower heads are positioned at 3' and 5' high. WTF? Press the button. Squat for 10 seconds it flows. Stand. Lather. Squat. Press. Rinse. Stand. Etc. The lower nozzle only served to spray my kneecaps. The top nozzle watered my armpits. I manage to get my towel, only to accidently drench myself. When I got out, I tell the guard, "I feel like i've taken a hallucingen, become the protagonist in Gulliver's Travels and I'm in the Land of the Lilliput." She loosk at me weird. I say, "These showers are built for 8-year olds." She answers, "This was a juvenile facility." I say, "Yes, but I haven't been that short since I was like ten. Are all the showers like this? (There were three other cages.) She says, "No but this is the one that the juveniles liked the best."
She put me in the handicapped shower.
Things are better today. Still, I feel like I might have a meltdown. Keep you posted.
Happy Turkey Day!
Sarah
Friday, November 20, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Susan Smith, #4
[Ed.: The last letter I sent to her was in July after I got back from Alaska.]
Dearest Kelly,
No, I have not forgotten you, I've just been lazy when it comes to writing. It's the procrastinator in me :). Please forgive me.
So, how have you been? Thank you so much for the pictures from Alaska and details about your trip. I'm glad you had a good time. Alaska has never peaked my interest. It's not some place i'm dreaming about gonig to. Now, if you mention Hawaii, I"m all for it. I'm a beach girl! Love it!
I hope all is well your way. What about this economy? It's heartbreaking to see so many people without jobs and losing their homes. You still have a job, don't you? I sure hope so.
I've been doing okay. October was a hard month, ut I managed to get through it. Now I have to get through the holidays. They're already playing Christmas music! What's up with that?! It's not even Thanksgiving.
I'm reading a book called Held Hostage. It's a true story about a serial bank robber who gives his life to God. It's really good. The author, Ken Cooper, sent the book to me. That's pretty cool, you know? When I finish the book, I'm going to write him and thank him.
Now much else is going on. My mom & family are all doing well. Write when you can. I enjoy your friendship. You're so cool!
Love you,
Susan
Dearest Kelly,
No, I have not forgotten you, I've just been lazy when it comes to writing. It's the procrastinator in me :). Please forgive me.
So, how have you been? Thank you so much for the pictures from Alaska and details about your trip. I'm glad you had a good time. Alaska has never peaked my interest. It's not some place i'm dreaming about gonig to. Now, if you mention Hawaii, I"m all for it. I'm a beach girl! Love it!
I hope all is well your way. What about this economy? It's heartbreaking to see so many people without jobs and losing their homes. You still have a job, don't you? I sure hope so.
I've been doing okay. October was a hard month, ut I managed to get through it. Now I have to get through the holidays. They're already playing Christmas music! What's up with that?! It's not even Thanksgiving.
I'm reading a book called Held Hostage. It's a true story about a serial bank robber who gives his life to God. It's really good. The author, Ken Cooper, sent the book to me. That's pretty cool, you know? When I finish the book, I'm going to write him and thank him.
Now much else is going on. My mom & family are all doing well. Write when you can. I enjoy your friendship. You're so cool!
Love you,
Susan
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #19
Dear Kelly,
It's late and I am awake enjoying late hours. Ah! Quiet...These hours are precious and few. I am slightly annoyed because I'm writing with the ONE pencil I could find after the investigator and sergeant searched through my room. My lead is dull and I'm wishing for the other four pencils I had that he either hid from me as a silly prank, or absconded with as a punishment for being testy with him over an ill-received response. Really, I think they were misplaced, but how can I really lose them in a 9X10 room? I'm perplexed.
SCORE!
Pencils have been recovered. After a grueling interrogation of the Srgt. - she confessed! This lead me to a drawer inside an enveloped box, inside a Colgate toothpaste box, hiding among my colored pencils.! What a disguise.
I am VICTORIOUS!
Man, that's got to be really hard suing someone you once loved (and likely still have feelings for on some level-they don't just go away), but if he wronged you so badly that both a civil and criminal case had to be filed, that hurts. Betrayal is a very hard experience to go through. For most people, it damages your trust in future people who come along, and really feels like you've been violated.
I experienced that in my case. I guess it never occurred to me to tell you about my case. In a nutshell--I met a man (Rick) though a friend at a concert one night whom I had an instant chemistry with, though I left w/o hooking up with him. Oddly, two days later out of a crowd of 20,000 people, I met him again. A few weeks later I vowed to find this guy and get to know him. He was so mysterious and wonderfully funny to me. For two weeks I searched. People who knew him either didn't know or wouldn't' tell me how to get a hold of him. I was more intrigued. Soon after, I was on one last search before I gave up, and I literally picked him up from the side of the highway. I thought it was FATE. We hooked up that night, I brought him back to my apartment and he never left.
Rick was a drug dealer and a thug, albeit a preppy thug. I was willing to accept that, although I set out to change him, especially after experiencing what sort of lifestyle drug dealing brings--and all its problems. Rick was a man I could not say no to, mostly because of the person I am, and partly b/c of how infatuated I was w/him. He talked me into moving out of my apt., getting a house in my name w/Drew and his girlfriend Trish, both fugitives. Drew was his best friend and drug dealing partner and quickly began upping the "game" every week.
While Rick and Drew were getting deeper and deeper into drug dealing, I was working 9 to 5 and begging Rick to quit dealing and get a real job. It worked. He got a part-time job bouncing at a bar, but still sold drugs. This, and many other things, were the source of much tension, arguing, and division among Rick and Drew. They fought about everything, especially when one of them (usually Drew) had been up for a week on meth or cocaine.
Life was becoming ridiculous and I was at my wit's end. Rick promised me it would get better, but it wasn't. After some of their fights, Rich would often threaten to kill Drew. At first, it was alarming, but I soon learned it was just him blowing off steam.
After I began getting threats from the man who raped me six months earlier, Rick used it to get me to buy him a gun, along with his charm. Reluctantly, I fulfilled his request. (He was an ex-felon unable to buy it for himself.) Within 24 hours, another argument erupted between Drew and Rick. I left the house at his behest, and when I returned he had shot Drew and Trish, and had started moving their bodies. For many reasons, I stayed, helped move the bodies, and then watched as he made bad choice after bad choice, knowing he'd get caught. I did not help clean up, I did not help dispose of the bodies or evidence. I just waiting. And when we were arrested, he admitted to shooting Drew during an argument, and they let me go, only to arrest me days later, wanting to scare me into testifying against him. I was honest about what I had done, and they charged me with murder and assisting a criminal.
In the two years we spent in jail, he got scared about life in prison. I supported him, but broke off our relationship, so he turned against me., had a confession letter forged which was used in my trial, and then after I was convicted, grew a conscience, pleaded guilty and admitted he lied, had the letter forged, and provided evidence supporting it, but the judge denied my appeal. After eight years of being denied by the justice system, I escaped.
That's the basic story. It is what it is. Painful as it is.
::Sigh::
What a wonderful event- a Masquerade Ball! I always wanted to go to one of those. You were beautiful! Elegant! FUN!
You crack me up with your pickiness about Note Guy. You ARE a Seinfeld character. Reid with his Ensure. Note Guy w/ no health insurance, no wrists, and his preference for miming words. (Going Dutch seems appropriate, I think.) Frickin hilarious. Where do you find these guys? (Oh yeah, story slams and bars!) Maybe its the writer/artist thing that's the problem. Artists are by nature self-expressed and often weird, though I don't think it affects their wrists.
God, you are funny.
Right now, I am taking all my writings, organizing them into a cohesive structure, so I can start putting together the pieces. It will be nice to get a clearer picture together of the final product. It's exhausting when it comes to difficult and emotional subjects. Wears me out.
Oh! I am going to submit to Reader's Write (The Sun) for PRETENDING, and have on my To Do list an OUR LIVES submission for the NYT. I'll post them when I'm done. Thank you for your encouragement.
--Sarah
It's late and I am awake enjoying late hours. Ah! Quiet...These hours are precious and few. I am slightly annoyed because I'm writing with the ONE pencil I could find after the investigator and sergeant searched through my room. My lead is dull and I'm wishing for the other four pencils I had that he either hid from me as a silly prank, or absconded with as a punishment for being testy with him over an ill-received response. Really, I think they were misplaced, but how can I really lose them in a 9X10 room? I'm perplexed.
SCORE!
Pencils have been recovered. After a grueling interrogation of the Srgt. - she confessed! This lead me to a drawer inside an enveloped box, inside a Colgate toothpaste box, hiding among my colored pencils.! What a disguise.
I am VICTORIOUS!
Man, that's got to be really hard suing someone you once loved (and likely still have feelings for on some level-they don't just go away), but if he wronged you so badly that both a civil and criminal case had to be filed, that hurts. Betrayal is a very hard experience to go through. For most people, it damages your trust in future people who come along, and really feels like you've been violated.
I experienced that in my case. I guess it never occurred to me to tell you about my case. In a nutshell--I met a man (Rick) though a friend at a concert one night whom I had an instant chemistry with, though I left w/o hooking up with him. Oddly, two days later out of a crowd of 20,000 people, I met him again. A few weeks later I vowed to find this guy and get to know him. He was so mysterious and wonderfully funny to me. For two weeks I searched. People who knew him either didn't know or wouldn't' tell me how to get a hold of him. I was more intrigued. Soon after, I was on one last search before I gave up, and I literally picked him up from the side of the highway. I thought it was FATE. We hooked up that night, I brought him back to my apartment and he never left.
Rick was a drug dealer and a thug, albeit a preppy thug. I was willing to accept that, although I set out to change him, especially after experiencing what sort of lifestyle drug dealing brings--and all its problems. Rick was a man I could not say no to, mostly because of the person I am, and partly b/c of how infatuated I was w/him. He talked me into moving out of my apt., getting a house in my name w/Drew and his girlfriend Trish, both fugitives. Drew was his best friend and drug dealing partner and quickly began upping the "game" every week.
While Rick and Drew were getting deeper and deeper into drug dealing, I was working 9 to 5 and begging Rick to quit dealing and get a real job. It worked. He got a part-time job bouncing at a bar, but still sold drugs. This, and many other things, were the source of much tension, arguing, and division among Rick and Drew. They fought about everything, especially when one of them (usually Drew) had been up for a week on meth or cocaine.
Life was becoming ridiculous and I was at my wit's end. Rick promised me it would get better, but it wasn't. After some of their fights, Rich would often threaten to kill Drew. At first, it was alarming, but I soon learned it was just him blowing off steam.
After I began getting threats from the man who raped me six months earlier, Rick used it to get me to buy him a gun, along with his charm. Reluctantly, I fulfilled his request. (He was an ex-felon unable to buy it for himself.) Within 24 hours, another argument erupted between Drew and Rick. I left the house at his behest, and when I returned he had shot Drew and Trish, and had started moving their bodies. For many reasons, I stayed, helped move the bodies, and then watched as he made bad choice after bad choice, knowing he'd get caught. I did not help clean up, I did not help dispose of the bodies or evidence. I just waiting. And when we were arrested, he admitted to shooting Drew during an argument, and they let me go, only to arrest me days later, wanting to scare me into testifying against him. I was honest about what I had done, and they charged me with murder and assisting a criminal.
In the two years we spent in jail, he got scared about life in prison. I supported him, but broke off our relationship, so he turned against me., had a confession letter forged which was used in my trial, and then after I was convicted, grew a conscience, pleaded guilty and admitted he lied, had the letter forged, and provided evidence supporting it, but the judge denied my appeal. After eight years of being denied by the justice system, I escaped.
That's the basic story. It is what it is. Painful as it is.
::Sigh::
What a wonderful event- a Masquerade Ball! I always wanted to go to one of those. You were beautiful! Elegant! FUN!
You crack me up with your pickiness about Note Guy. You ARE a Seinfeld character. Reid with his Ensure. Note Guy w/ no health insurance, no wrists, and his preference for miming words. (Going Dutch seems appropriate, I think.) Frickin hilarious. Where do you find these guys? (Oh yeah, story slams and bars!) Maybe its the writer/artist thing that's the problem. Artists are by nature self-expressed and often weird, though I don't think it affects their wrists.
God, you are funny.
Right now, I am taking all my writings, organizing them into a cohesive structure, so I can start putting together the pieces. It will be nice to get a clearer picture together of the final product. It's exhausting when it comes to difficult and emotional subjects. Wears me out.
Oh! I am going to submit to Reader's Write (The Sun) for PRETENDING, and have on my To Do list an OUR LIVES submission for the NYT. I'll post them when I'm done. Thank you for your encouragement.
--Sarah
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #61
Ed: Swango's letters are beginning to get more and more cryptic. A few of you picked up on how he wrote that he was now thinking of me in "unusual ways" in his last letter. This one has two very odd sentences. I wrote him back asking for clarification.
Dear KK,
Opens with a classic 1-3-5-7-1 chord progression--forever attached to the quintessential pop ballad...enter the crystal-clear voice of Skeeter Davis:
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more
Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Well my historical-minded friend (but for some reason averse to its discussion?!) -- from my opening you can tell I saw the brilliant #12 episode of Season III of MAD MEN earlier.
But once again, I give you huge insight into who I am, And who I was. -- your choice whether to pick up on it for not...KK, dear, KK...
[Ed.: I find this sort of cryptic but I assume he means he relates to this song because he associates it with KK's suicide. But remember, the book written about him said they found traces of cyanide in her from a slow poisoning.]
Once again, MAD MEN is deadly accurate in time & tone. "END OF THE WORLD" as sung by the unknown Skeeter Davis was a huge hit, and has stood the test of time.
Two other points on the song:
1) A few years ago, I heard a morbid yet fascinating radio discussion on the "death rock" of the early-mid 1960s. In his pop rock/horror novel "Christine", Stephen King called them "Teenage Death Songs": "Teen Angel" / "Dead Man's Curve". One of the participants said "you can almost hear the gunshot as "End of the World" finishes.
Not sure I would go that far--but it is really the perfect personification of PopLove/Love Ends/World Ends.
Listen to the full song--the part where she speaks the third verse over music...
2) This may surprise you: The song has obviously been recorded over the years by many artists. One of the most powerful was in the mid-1970s by Karen Carpenter.
Again here's a window into me. And much more going on here---but can't really discuss without a willing & open partner... [Ed. Am I wrong in thinking this is cryptic?]
***
Kelly, THANK YOU for the Harpers Magazine essay on JG Ballard. You suspected correctly that I would want to read it.
A totally personal and biased opinion: Kelly--you are such a thoughtful and intelligent and giving woman, And very particular and very comfortable with being alone. (I consider that a very good thing, KK). I have no doubt that at some point a man will emerge who can be your equal in those things--and who "gets you". I will say again had I met you in 93 or so--who knows? I certainly would have tried. XOXO/And again, forgive my intrusion into verboten territory, but you deserve a powerful and intense and overwhelming and richly varied sexual relationship with the right man. And I have no doubt that with the right man, you will give totally, completely, unselfishly of your mind and body... Only a man who will do the same is worthy of your sexuality & love...
***
Yes, I know not exactly your standard "Hey how ya doin', seen any good movies?" type of letter. But you do bring out the curiosity and commentary in me, for better or for worse...
Settling down a bit:
>I can well imagine your near-hibernation during the winter, becoming "more and more of a recluse" as you put it. Surrounded by your films & TV and cooking, some letters !! and perhaps--at time carefully chosen friends...
>Have you ever thought you had a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder [SAD]?
Way behind on this letter as usual, but let me start on some of your always scintillating blog entries:
>Your RATE-A-DATE followup to the guy you met while you were with [Ginger Snap] was both informative & analytical.
Wouldn't it be amazing if you could get a "DATEFAX" when you met someone? a love/date/marriage/relationship history? Like a CARFAX when you're thinking about buying a car!
>Kelly, you never cease to amaze me: "Romance" with a 32-yr old when you were 16? You never did anything beyond kissing? Since he was a drug addict probably good. But I mentioned to you, without details of course--heaven forbid--my own experience and "education" with an older woman...
>Your blog analysis of Irene Vilar & Impossible Motherhood was most illuminating. She really does present a problem for "pro-lifers" and "pro-choicers" and those who are somewhat neutral.
She sounds like a reality show waiting to happen.
I do look forward to what you have to say after you read her book, Kelly.
Must get this in the mail, so will further comment on "REIDTARD" (The Final Chapter?), MAD MEN and FLASH FORWARD.
Thinking of you, Kelly. Stay well, stay warm, and stay the way you are... You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl...
Yours,
Michael
Dear KK,
Opens with a classic 1-3-5-7-1 chord progression--forever attached to the quintessential pop ballad...enter the crystal-clear voice of Skeeter Davis:
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more
Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Well my historical-minded friend (but for some reason averse to its discussion?!) -- from my opening you can tell I saw the brilliant #12 episode of Season III of MAD MEN earlier.
But once again, I give you huge insight into who I am, And who I was. -- your choice whether to pick up on it for not...KK, dear, KK...
[Ed.: I find this sort of cryptic but I assume he means he relates to this song because he associates it with KK's suicide. But remember, the book written about him said they found traces of cyanide in her from a slow poisoning.]
Once again, MAD MEN is deadly accurate in time & tone. "END OF THE WORLD" as sung by the unknown Skeeter Davis was a huge hit, and has stood the test of time.
Two other points on the song:
1) A few years ago, I heard a morbid yet fascinating radio discussion on the "death rock" of the early-mid 1960s. In his pop rock/horror novel "Christine", Stephen King called them "Teenage Death Songs": "Teen Angel" / "Dead Man's Curve". One of the participants said "you can almost hear the gunshot as "End of the World" finishes.
Not sure I would go that far--but it is really the perfect personification of PopLove/Love Ends/World Ends.
Listen to the full song--the part where she speaks the third verse over music...
2) This may surprise you: The song has obviously been recorded over the years by many artists. One of the most powerful was in the mid-1970s by Karen Carpenter.
Again here's a window into me. And much more going on here---but can't really discuss without a willing & open partner... [Ed. Am I wrong in thinking this is cryptic?]
***
Kelly, THANK YOU for the Harpers Magazine essay on JG Ballard. You suspected correctly that I would want to read it.
A totally personal and biased opinion: Kelly--you are such a thoughtful and intelligent and giving woman, And very particular and very comfortable with being alone. (I consider that a very good thing, KK). I have no doubt that at some point a man will emerge who can be your equal in those things--and who "gets you". I will say again had I met you in 93 or so--who knows? I certainly would have tried. XOXO/And again, forgive my intrusion into verboten territory, but you deserve a powerful and intense and overwhelming and richly varied sexual relationship with the right man. And I have no doubt that with the right man, you will give totally, completely, unselfishly of your mind and body... Only a man who will do the same is worthy of your sexuality & love...
***
Yes, I know not exactly your standard "Hey how ya doin', seen any good movies?" type of letter. But you do bring out the curiosity and commentary in me, for better or for worse...
Settling down a bit:
>I can well imagine your near-hibernation during the winter, becoming "more and more of a recluse" as you put it. Surrounded by your films & TV and cooking, some letters !! and perhaps--at time carefully chosen friends...
>Have you ever thought you had a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder [SAD]?
Way behind on this letter as usual, but let me start on some of your always scintillating blog entries:
>Your RATE-A-DATE followup to the guy you met while you were with [Ginger Snap] was both informative & analytical.
Wouldn't it be amazing if you could get a "DATEFAX" when you met someone? a love/date/marriage/relationship history? Like a CARFAX when you're thinking about buying a car!
>Kelly, you never cease to amaze me: "Romance" with a 32-yr old when you were 16? You never did anything beyond kissing? Since he was a drug addict probably good. But I mentioned to you, without details of course--heaven forbid--my own experience and "education" with an older woman...
>Your blog analysis of Irene Vilar & Impossible Motherhood was most illuminating. She really does present a problem for "pro-lifers" and "pro-choicers" and those who are somewhat neutral.
She sounds like a reality show waiting to happen.
I do look forward to what you have to say after you read her book, Kelly.
Must get this in the mail, so will further comment on "REIDTARD" (The Final Chapter?), MAD MEN and FLASH FORWARD.
Thinking of you, Kelly. Stay well, stay warm, and stay the way you are... You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl...
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #60
Dear KK---
Longer letter in progress/Read with fascination your blog entry regarding Irene Vilar & IMPOSSIBLE MOTHERHOOD. And now she has two children of her own!
Further comments on that and the rest of the blogs to follow. But reading about Ms. Vilar--I thought of the enclosed lengthy article from Newsweek about a month ago. Written following the murder of Dr. Tiller in Wichita...this is the story of Dr. Leroy Carhart and some things even I didn't know about "late-term" abortions.
In Africa, I saw all of the horrendous peripartum complications mentioned on pg. 3 / caused not by draconian abortion ban but by inaccessibility of timely Ob/Gyn care. But the results are the same: Dead & disabled women & newborns.
Not pleasant reading but should be required reading on the subject...
>Also enclosed: A tribute to William Safire. Politically, I really was not in agreement most of the time; but he knew the English language.
Take care, Kelly. Thinking of you in some interesting ways, and hope to hear from you again soon. Will catch up on multiple topics over the weekend. Stay healthy, sunshine.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Hope you incorporate your eyepatch into any Halloween costumes. Soooo sexy with your raven hair...!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #59
Is it considered 'meta' when the sociopathic prisoner writes about a sociopathic prisoner?
Dear KK---
My apologies for the delay in getting this letter out to you. The good news is I can comment on your most recent letter received on Friday 10/23. Much to get to so let me dive right in. Order bears no relationship to importance, so stay awake, sunshine!
So you want ot make an investment and get a return over four thousand times the original investment? Make a horror film in your apartment! Over the weekend, that cult horror film, Paranormal Activity was #1. Made for $15K; it has now make over $64m.
[Ed.: omitting more movie talk.]
I know how interested you are in sociopathy, etc. May I suggest you looking closely at a truly fascinating [even to me, KK, and I rarely if ever follow these things.] and almost unbelievable murder case out of Toronto, Canada in the 1990s. To get its flavor, see the LIFETIME film, entitled KARLA. I'm sure it can either be downloaded from LIFETIME or found on NETFLIX or rental. The film stars the girl (now woman) from That 70s Show, Laura Prepon. She is very good, by far the best I've seen her. Prepon plays Karla Homolka, a very attractive young woman who falls in love with a true sociopath--Paul Bernardo, in the late 80s/early 90s around Toronto. Unknown to her, he is a serial rapist, but even when she finds out, she stays totally "loyal" almost (but not quite) to the end. In the interim, she helps him drug and rape her own teenage sister, who dies "accidentally". Later Paul kidnaps two teenage girls, brings them home, rapes & eventually kills them both--with Karla at his side.
The earlier serial rapes and then serial homicides were, as you can imagine HUGE news and media sensation in the 90s over all of Canada--which doesn't see this stuff every day like the Lower 48. Two even more bizarre circumstances took this to the next level:
1) The drugging/rape/death of Karla's sister; and the murders of the two girls were completely or partially on videotape, filmed by Bernardo himself who was a filmaker when he started.
2) Karla cut a deal with prosecutors for a 12 yr sentence--which was the subject of a massive media & public outrage. Because her involvement in all three deaths was believed to be much deeper & more "voluntary" than had been alleged.
3) Now the kicker : some of the videotapes were discovered after Bernardo's trial and after Karla's plea-bargain. OMG! More shock and outrage, etc.
Karla Homolka was released in 06. Haven't heard much since then.
Anyway, sorry I spent so much time on it. Given your vociferous OCD tendencies, you probably know all about it! Talk to me!
[Ed.: omitting more film talk.]
You take care--stay warm and stay well. Thinking of you; you are sooo Rachel as opposed to Quinn. Note: That means much more intriguing, more intelligent, sexier & more passionate & willing ot please.
XOXO,
Michael
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #18
Kelly,
Thank you for you letter and enclousures. I wince at all the names people come up wtih for our sexual body parts. Especially women. Men aren't real creative with pussy, cunt, hole, pink... women, however, are a little too creative. Cookie. Bird. Nahnah. Little Girl. PeePee.
Never would I think of Wayne Gretsky.
Of all the Walter Gretskying euphemisms out there...
I did get a printout of my blog. I corrected the mistakes and sent it back out to my mom to fix. I am thankful she even know how to get on teh Internet. Could you help me out a little by organizing it? I see that the entries can be categorized, which would be real helpful. Also, the very beginning should have an intro and a photo, but she doesn't know how to do it. Would you be willing to do that, and give her instructions on how to catergorize future entries? I'd appreciate it.
I enjoy your blogs. I crack up at some of the shit you write. And the words you come up with! Reidtard. I just wrote an entry about my last week free, where I have this killer fling with the hot guy from down the street, and was describing how when we slept together on the couch, in front of the fireplace, we'd shift positions ever 20 minutes or so, in sync, and I remember the NIGHT DANCE. So, I wrote this sentence: "We fall asleep on the couch, in our underwear, firelight dancing across our skin, and spend the remaining hours doing the Night Dance, a term my friend Kelly coined to describe sychronized body repositioning when spooning with a lover."
May I use it? Is it accurately described?
It's nice to get back writing after a long dry spell. Depression just sucks. I knew you'd get it. They gave me Wellbutrin twice a day. It is working in that I feel better, have more energy, and everything doesn't seem so overwhelming. I can concentrate, and I'm not sad anymore. Still not to my perky, usual self, but after ten months stuck in a room, who's goin to be a constant ray of Walter Gretskying sunshine?
When someone needs mental health attention, they put in a medical request. The therapist comes to talk to you, and determines if your issues are serious enough to be forwarded to the psychiatrist. Many people get blown off. People who really need help. Who have major anger or bipolar issues are ignored. It's sad. There are some groups/therapy that people in open population can go to. Those are limited. Often, behavior problems are directly related to mental health, but this place won't focus on preventative medical care. It's all reactive. And all of it is old medicine. No cutting-edge technology/medicine here.
NO, they haven't explained to me about wanting to keep me in lock past my year, except that they "need to know what Sarah Pender is doing every moment of the day." Basically, it's because I am an escape risk based on previously escaping. With that logic, I'd never get out of isolation, which is pretty shitty, since the last woman brought back from escaping managed to avoid capture for 37 years (murder charge) and she spent 4 months in lock and then went into population. (She escaped from 1WP, so they sent her to Rockville, where I was.) Anyway, for some reason, they think I am so incredibly smart, that I can do anything. Like I am a magician. And they can do it, because it's within their discretion.
I don't currently have a lawyer. My last attorney doesn't involve himself in Dept. of Corrections stuff, and I haven't found a new one yet that I can afford. I'm on a limited budget.
No, I don't want to escape again. That stuff is over. If I was so crazy about not wanting to be here, I'd would have either killed myself or made the cops kill me when I was caught. It was a one-time deal, and I'm over it, but they'll always be afraid that I'll escape gain and get another job and not pay my taxes.
I am such a menace to society.
Yes, this a a different prison than the one I escaped from. And we're about to go to another prison next month. But none of that seems to matter really. They are seriously concerned about my risk of escapin, which kills me becaus that speaks VOLUMES about how the prison administration feels about their custody staff. Apparently they don't trust that their security is good enough to babysit me. Or maybe they are afraid that another guard will use me for sex and I'll use him back for things. Sex scandals happen in women's prison's a LOT. More than ever gets reported in the media.
When I craft, I use magazine pages or colored paper salvaged from envelopes sent to me. I can not have paste or glue, so I use toothpaste. You must be creative in order to accomplish anything here.
Commissary is the name of the process in which we order food, hygienes, mailing supplies, etc. Wefill out a Scantron bubble sheet on Monday, get it Friday. Except in lock, we can only order soap, toothpaste, stamps, paper, and cards. They make it hard up here, so people won't want to come back.
You probably already went to court by the time you receive this. I can not imagine what you are suing for, but it apparently has you very upset. Since you are suing, I am sure the defendant has attorneys that are going to attack your character, your story, everything they can to make you wrong and make them right. Try to remember that their power resides in YOU. You give them the right to judge you in your head, so when they start making you wrong, it affects you, hurts you, stresses you. If you remember that the judge, the attorneys, the jurors (if there are any) are all people, just like you, who wear ill-fitting underwear, have hemorroids, get bitched at for not taking out the trash or haven't been laid in a year---or perhaps bought a prostitute last weekend, it makes it easier to get throuhg the proceedings. I didn't understand this stuff til I was in prison a few years, when guards would confide in me, ask my advice, flirt w/me, and eventually, fuck me. We're all the same, all have strenghts & weaknesses and are insecure in one way or another. Don't let their POSITION equal POWER to you.
I look forward to when I can know what you're going through. I hope your day went well.
How do you pronounce "Dinges"? And what's it supposed to be? Glad you got some though!
LOVED the note passing. Too bad he turned out to be substandard for your tastes. Living with his 18-yr old stepsister? Weird for 37 years old. Maybe he let you go dutch to weed out goldiggers. I understand wanting to be w/someone who has more than you, but maybe he feels the same way.
I found something interesting about how you felt you belonged @ Hunter as opposed to Columbia because of your past and your present view of yourself.
Kelly. Do you think that your parent's financial situation determines your value? Do you think that those Columbia students deserve to be there because they had better SAT scores or a parent that donated a rare collection of books? you are smarter, better read and a better writer than most of the 500 other people that that room with you. It is in your head--your place value--therefore you control it.
I do not feel adequate.
I think you have felt this way since you were very young, and have worked the rest of your life living out that conversation. It controls you. And drives you. And depresses you. and is always in the back of your mind.
Is this accurate?
I actually have a friend who heads a student services department at Hunter. From knowing his idiosyncracies, and all the psychological issues by his staff there, I laughed when you described the college. It fits, or rather, he fits. I used to get the Hunter yearbook each year. How funny.
When I was free, I experienced a few really nice things, and although I had the label of being an escapee convicted of double homicide, I never felt out of place. I belonged in that 2007 Cadillac. In the jewelry store buying a diamond ring. In the theater. At a white-cloth restaurant. Just as much as any other human being looking for pleasure of the senses.
Wealth doesn't determine a person's value. Most of the rich guys I know are all a little nutty, and just looking for a pretty piece of ass. The same as a blue-collar schmoe.
I hope this finds you well. I enjoy our letters.
Sarah
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Whitaker, #16
Dear Kelly,
Hello. I'm sorry that it has taken me a little longer to write you back. A number of events came up all at once for me, and conspired to set me back by a week or two. I'm sorry to hear that you feel your performance was "cringe worthy" at the story presentation. Frankly, Kelly, you can be fairly tough on yourself, and I'm sure that you did better than you think. The drive to be better is a noble thing, but it can also do a person some real damage. Chalk it up to experience, and get out there and give it another go. I'm sure that you learned soemthing from all of this, right? I hope that you will participate in the SpeakEasy event. I'm sure that you will do brilliantly. :) Well, I got moved last this past week. It is always such a pain having to pack up everything. Fortunately, I dind't move off of the pod, just a few sections over, from 71 cell to 53 cell. I actually instigated this move, due to the mold in my old cell. I have been fiing grievances on that mess for a while now, and they finally got around to doing something about it. I've never seen mold grow so fast. I would clean it with soap and bleach I bought from the trustees, and within hours of the next rain, it was already growing back. That wall lieaked like a sieve. My new cell is so much better. No leaks (that I can se, at least), good radio reception (well, technically it still sucks, but tis better than it was in 71 cell), MUCH better neighbors (the importance of this cannot be understated), I am not in front of the damned dayroom anymore, I am not on one row anymore, and the toilet is brand spanking new. you can see the rust built up on the concrete where the old toilet apparently leaked for years, so I timed this one right on. If one HAS to move, all in all, this was not a bad move.
My lousy trial attorney is trying to save himself, at my expense. We filed on him for gross incompetence, and he is defending himself with far more vigor than he defended me, saying all manner of things. I have had to write a few affadavits in response to his claims, and it is ridiculous that I should even have to do this, because they TAPED the damned trial, and his inabilities were manifest, and commented on by many people. And you just know the Court of Criminal Appeals will eat his story up, because they are always looking for a reason to go against an inmate. Pretty sorry system we have here, Kelly. Haha, I wouldn't worry about the video of you at the story slam looking fat. I never believed those people who claimed that cameras add fifteen pounds, until I saw some screen shots of one of the interviews I did. Seriously, my face looked stretched out. I dont' know WhY this happnes, exactly, but it does. If it is any consolation, you look great in the photo you sent me of the dessert cart. Which was mean as hell, by the way :) I've read about some of the fancy food trucks you guys have in NYC. I doubt we have anything like that in Houston, besies the ubiquitous taco trucks which swarm like flies around construction sites. Some of those are actually pretty nice, with lots of flat screen televisions and wifi, but I doubt that you could call the level of food prepare there "gourmet". I...suppose...one could indeed put a little umbrella in a glass of Ensure, but there is something incredibly wrong with that line of thinking. Has Reid backed off you any since his return from the Carib? What happened with this guy you saw at the bar? Read anything good lately? I got a new book this week by Bart Erhman, called "Misquoting Jesus." It is very interesting. It shows how errors in the translation of the New Testament multiplied over the centuries. This author is head of religious studies at the University of NC, and he seems to know his business. Can you recommend anything good for me? You seem to be pretty connected to the literary world, especially wehn you consider my other pen pals.
You asked about the visit I had with my new step-mom. It was pretty much just getting-to-know-you type stuff. Nothing real deep. I am hoping they come back and see me next week when they are done moving back from Colorado.
Interesting that you wrote about the movie "An Education". I read the review of that one, and it looked interesting. I'm trying to think of what other movies Saarsgard has been in. I know I've seen him before. Maybe in "Suicide Kings". Whatever it was, he was sort of smarmy and elitist. Mor than that, I would love to see "Where the Wild Things ARe." I remember that book from 25 years ago. When I saw some of the screen-shots, it all came back to me. I guess I saw a lot of myself in Max, wanting to get away from home an disappear into this land of imagination. I'm glad to hear that they didn't make it a typical kid movie, but went with a darker, more arthouse feel...that is what the Sendak book deserved. Have the reviews been good?
What do you do when you have writers block? I don't feel like I could write anything right now to save my life. You seem to be able to write at least a few times a week, and I just can't manage it. So little happens here, maybe this is my problem. It's not just in writing, though. I can usually force myself to do my school work when I don't feel like it. I've been painting again lately, and even though I know that I have limited amounts of time before this paint goes bad, I can't seem to find the energy to work on anything. I feel like I sometimes need a huge kick in the head...figuratively, of course. Though maybe physically if thing don't turn around. Anyways. Hows work going? Did you ever force that deadbeat to cough up the dough? What are your attorneys saying about that?
I think I have the Craiglist thing figured out, so thank you for your advice. You asked what the "bigger goal" might be of the website, and there is no simple answer for that. I really believe that what they do here is immoral, and if I can add to the arguement in any way, I am going to leap for the chance. I dont' have an "ideal wish", as the only real option for me is a life sentence, which I am ambivalent about. Its not really about me, more about the movement to have the DP abolished. I haven't had a major effect on the issue, but I think I have had some minor effect, as I receive letters all the time from people who claim that mb6 has caused them to change their minds and position on the issue. I feel like the mroe poeple who read it, the more who will be challenged. Maybe most won't be altered in their stances, but some will. Maybe one day, this will all end, and whether or not I am here to benefit from thisis besies the opint. There IS a chance I could "get off completely" but it is important to understandthat I have not and would not press for this option. I recognize the wrong in my actions, and the need for society to have its justice. But, this justice does not require us as a society to engage in acts which are ethically reprehensible. And it does not give prosecutors and corrupt judges carte blanche to do whatever they feel like doing on any given day. Ultimately, if every one of us on DR was out there showing people the crooked hi-jinks that went on during their trial, people would be burning down courtrooms. Its that bad.
I had a visit this afternoon, which was quite odd. About two years ago I met this nice lady from Mexico, whose parents were Americans and moved down there to bring protestantism to Catholic Mexico, and ended up staying down there for good. So, she is white, but has lived in Mexico her whole life, until the last three years. Her husband is also Mexican, but looks white. So you had the three of us, all about as white as can be, speaking Spanish for two hours. People kept doing double takes; it was pretty funny. I had to concentrate hard not to speka in the dirty street lingo that passes for discourse back here, and it was more difficult than I had thought it would be to cut out all the "gueys" and "que chingaso" from my vocabulary for a change. Actually, that was probably one of the better visits I have ever had. Not a word about Jesus or church, just good conversation. Surprised me quite a bit.
Well, what is new in your life? I hope that you are doing well, and I look forward to hearing from you again. Your life is so much more interesting than most of the people who write me. Not a slam on them, just the truth. You have to forgive us rednecks for not living in that thar big city. Until next time, be safe.
T
