#106
Ed: He discusses a bunch of movies and shows but the most interesting topics addressed are:
*Although I thought otherwise beforehand, I did not have my most intense and powerful sexual experiences until my late 30s. No. not obsessed jut telling a truth, AND in the interest of full disclosure...sadly my sociopathic proclivities reached their peak in Africa after that. But I don't think you have to worry about that. [Ed.: He was referring to how now that I"m 40 I shouldn't worry about things being on the decline...]
*He writes at length about a topic I brought up about the arsenic-utilizing bacteria discovered recently. As you know, he is interested in arsenic like nobody's business. He gets into the chemical and scientific properties of the newly discovered bacterium.
#107
He quotes Dickens because of the holiday, asks for me to send him a printout of the poem Sailing to Byzantium, is fascinated by Flex disappearing from the market and tells me he uses generic brand shampoo purchased in prison. He believes Amir is narcissistic but not a sociopath. However he says that John clearly is one. "Regarding the possible novelization of your experiences with John...it opens exactly as you proposed with your Modern Love draft---the gaze across the room and mouthed words... Then in a series of flashbacks we tell the story of how John was initially infected, and how he came to be the sociopath that came into your life. while your story with him moves forward..."
#108
This letter starts out with him writing all the words to Papparazzi by Lady GaGa. He goes on to discuss the Puzzle Project, movies, and Amir.
#109
My Dear Kelly,
Kelly and Amir
Sitting in a tree
KISSING
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes [*] in a baby carriage.
*A quite attractive child whether male or female. I've seen the bloodlines!
Yes! I have received your relatively brief letter with the New Year's photo, plus two postcards, one of which mentioned your weekend with Amir in Mexico which begins tomorrow. My God! You must be excited.
You do realize that I do not find it totally unexpected. You two have been doing an intricate love dance for a long time even as you both try to deny it yourselves.
I know you will find this hard to believe, but despite my history, I do appreciate (as much as anyone can) and understand the emotional ups and downs, the aching physical symptoms, and the utterly illogical thought processes that occur when you think you might be in love, or that someone loves you or you hope someone loves you or don't or not enough and a thousand other permutations.
...and the dark side of obsession, fixation, violence, and sometimes....death.
Although I believe I am the only person who saw it and loved it, The Good Girl starring Jennifer Aniston, says it best. Amir "gets you" and you "get him". I know this because otherwise your contact with each other (which both of you cannot stop) would have ceased long ago. A beautiful, complex, intricate, dance as old as civilized m an...whether this weekend is a true milestone or just another step in the dance really doesn't matter...
Enjoy, absorb, take in every sensation...I mean mental and emotional as well as physical. Again, you may not believe this but even with my past history of sociopathic behavior and actions, I know and understand and have seen and felt far more than you realize.
I will await word on your Mexican lover's weekend!
[Ed.: I'm cutting out film and article talk.]
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #56
Dear Kelly,
It's late and I'm just sort of marinating in my feelings after my ex wrote me tonight and told me she's getting married this spring, two weeks before my birthday. She's the only woman I've ever been in love with . I've been with all sorts of women; super feminine , butch, thin, fat, white, brown, black, younger, older, but she is something so special. There was a time in my life I thought I would spend forever with her. This is really a first for me. I think if David, my first love, ever, were to tell me he's married or having kids, I think I'd break down to pieces and eat 10,000 calorie aday until I was 200 pounds and I don't know. She's one of my best friends and I actually like her fiancee, which makes this easier to deal with or maybe harder because I can't hate her soon to be wife, so I have to be happy about it just because she's happy, and that's what is most important. This sucks because it changes things, but I don't know how.
Hootie's singing a sad love song on the radio, killing me softly.
And you! Just got back from Mexico with Amir! How great was that? I do believe this is the next step in something beautiful. (or heartbreaking, possibly, but one hell of an adventure!). Those butterflies you get with him, that's the stuff of great romances, the stuff I once had...everyday for two years, even. When we weren't being romantic we were the close friends, and I'll still get butterflies just seeing her smile at me.
Ugh.
New Year's Eve was totally uneventful. I sat doing some creative writing, heard "Happy New Year, ladies" over the intercom and went back to writing. In general population, we often got creative, cook microwave meals, and watch Dick Clark, but in here, we'll all locked in dark cells. Last year, I did a ritual prayer to the Universal Spirit. It was answered throughout the year, although God has a terrible sense of humor.
I usually listen to the football games, but sometimes during my hour of recreation, in a room w/ a tv, a football game will be on. But 98% of the games, I can catch on an AM station. The Colts are out of the playoffs. It's now down to four teams and I'm hoping to see the Superbowl be played by the Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets. I want Chicago to win, but I think that would be a great game to hear/see. Do you ever keep up with any sport? Or even care what the Yankees, Giants, Jets, Knicks, anyone of them are doing? Probably not. I don't have a TV in my room because there are no electrical outlets. Even if I did I would only use it for sports or crafty shows, or Public Broadcast News. But for now I have Westwood One and NPR with the BBC news, and that's good enough for me. If I need a laugh there's always ghosts and aliens on Coast to Coast or talk radio stupidity.
Your New Year's experience with Amir,meeting his long-time friends, and then going to Mexico...Valentine's Day on the horizen, then the premiere in May... Kelly, I think you should learn how to say "I love you" in Farsi and "Yes, I will marry you."
I mean, I'm just saying...
If youcan't find motivation to job search, then maybe you shoudl invest your time in Kartoonz and a trila of Rosetta Stone to improve your value to Mr. Amir!
I'm geting some really good advice fro m the Freanch guy. former mail artist/activist. I'm always working on making this shit work one way or another.
This whole past two weeks has been hell, mentally.
I'm not sure if I'm morphing into a fruit, a nut or a vegetable. After a minor breakdown Thursday, I have slowly climbed back into reality. I posted up a little note where I can always see it that is on a little bright pink square from a letter you sent: (I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS) and I wrote:
STAY LATER.
WORK HARDER.
BE A CHAMPION.
___
I have a habit of posting motivation on my folders, pencil box, food boxes, trash can, everywhere. It works. Try it. On my Colgate toothpaste box-turned pencil box, I taped:
FIGHT BACK
Next to it is a mini picture of Edvard Munch's "Scream".
AHHHHHHHH.
When I hear songs like "Eye of the Tiger" I get up and sing loud and get moving, doing shit. Find out what motivates you. And do it.
Maybe Amir's ex is some sleazy Paris Hilton or someone. Did you know she was arrested in South Africa during the World Cup for smoking a joint in front of a policeman? What a dumbass. Have you looked through his media-related photos for a possible glimpse? Perhaps if you were to go to DC to have dinner with his molm, you can form a bond, get a clue, or ask to look through his family album, as he surely took her to a family event, yes? or has her in there somewhere...
Do you know the LaMama Theater? I heard the founder died and heard clips of interviews with her and people she helped make famous in her off-Broadway shows. I forget her name, but as I know how you enjoy theater, I wondered if you'd been to one there.
I'm tired and still sort of emotionally numb. I need to cry or somethign and deal with the inevitable sadness, and get it over with. I also have a load of case laws to read. It never ends.
Take care, I hope the Universe blesses you today.
Sarah
It's late and I'm just sort of marinating in my feelings after my ex wrote me tonight and told me she's getting married this spring, two weeks before my birthday. She's the only woman I've ever been in love with . I've been with all sorts of women; super feminine , butch, thin, fat, white, brown, black, younger, older, but she is something so special. There was a time in my life I thought I would spend forever with her. This is really a first for me. I think if David, my first love, ever, were to tell me he's married or having kids, I think I'd break down to pieces and eat 10,000 calorie aday until I was 200 pounds and I don't know. She's one of my best friends and I actually like her fiancee, which makes this easier to deal with or maybe harder because I can't hate her soon to be wife, so I have to be happy about it just because she's happy, and that's what is most important. This sucks because it changes things, but I don't know how.
Hootie's singing a sad love song on the radio, killing me softly.
And you! Just got back from Mexico with Amir! How great was that? I do believe this is the next step in something beautiful. (or heartbreaking, possibly, but one hell of an adventure!). Those butterflies you get with him, that's the stuff of great romances, the stuff I once had...everyday for two years, even. When we weren't being romantic we were the close friends, and I'll still get butterflies just seeing her smile at me.
Ugh.
New Year's Eve was totally uneventful. I sat doing some creative writing, heard "Happy New Year, ladies" over the intercom and went back to writing. In general population, we often got creative, cook microwave meals, and watch Dick Clark, but in here, we'll all locked in dark cells. Last year, I did a ritual prayer to the Universal Spirit. It was answered throughout the year, although God has a terrible sense of humor.
I usually listen to the football games, but sometimes during my hour of recreation, in a room w/ a tv, a football game will be on. But 98% of the games, I can catch on an AM station. The Colts are out of the playoffs. It's now down to four teams and I'm hoping to see the Superbowl be played by the Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets. I want Chicago to win, but I think that would be a great game to hear/see. Do you ever keep up with any sport? Or even care what the Yankees, Giants, Jets, Knicks, anyone of them are doing? Probably not. I don't have a TV in my room because there are no electrical outlets. Even if I did I would only use it for sports or crafty shows, or Public Broadcast News. But for now I have Westwood One and NPR with the BBC news, and that's good enough for me. If I need a laugh there's always ghosts and aliens on Coast to Coast or talk radio stupidity.
Your New Year's experience with Amir,meeting his long-time friends, and then going to Mexico...Valentine's Day on the horizen, then the premiere in May... Kelly, I think you should learn how to say "I love you" in Farsi and "Yes, I will marry you."
I mean, I'm just saying...
If youcan't find motivation to job search, then maybe you shoudl invest your time in Kartoonz and a trila of Rosetta Stone to improve your value to Mr. Amir!
I'm geting some really good advice fro m the Freanch guy. former mail artist/activist. I'm always working on making this shit work one way or another.
This whole past two weeks has been hell, mentally.
I'm not sure if I'm morphing into a fruit, a nut or a vegetable. After a minor breakdown Thursday, I have slowly climbed back into reality. I posted up a little note where I can always see it that is on a little bright pink square from a letter you sent: (I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS) and I wrote:
STAY LATER.
WORK HARDER.
BE A CHAMPION.
___
I have a habit of posting motivation on my folders, pencil box, food boxes, trash can, everywhere. It works. Try it. On my Colgate toothpaste box-turned pencil box, I taped:
FIGHT BACK
Next to it is a mini picture of Edvard Munch's "Scream".
AHHHHHHHH.
When I hear songs like "Eye of the Tiger" I get up and sing loud and get moving, doing shit. Find out what motivates you. And do it.
Maybe Amir's ex is some sleazy Paris Hilton or someone. Did you know she was arrested in South Africa during the World Cup for smoking a joint in front of a policeman? What a dumbass. Have you looked through his media-related photos for a possible glimpse? Perhaps if you were to go to DC to have dinner with his molm, you can form a bond, get a clue, or ask to look through his family album, as he surely took her to a family event, yes? or has her in there somewhere...
Do you know the LaMama Theater? I heard the founder died and heard clips of interviews with her and people she helped make famous in her off-Broadway shows. I forget her name, but as I know how you enjoy theater, I wondered if you'd been to one there.
I'm tired and still sort of emotionally numb. I need to cry or somethign and deal with the inevitable sadness, and get it over with. I also have a load of case laws to read. It never ends.
Take care, I hope the Universe blesses you today.
Sarah
Monday, January 24, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #55
I love my copy of DOWN THERE [Ed.: I sent her a small poster of the painting she made me.]. Thank you! I like it cropped. And you have an adorable little tree. Do you keep it up until Valentine's Day It's totally a V-day tree. Thank you for taking it. It made me happy. I sent it to a buddy who does collage for mail art projects, so that your tree will live on in art forever.
I am quite certain that Amir has never met anyone like you. That's why he can't let you go. I felt oddly satisfied when you gave him the what-for when he tried to weasel out of NY Eve and then be all hard about it, only to submit and call you. "Baby this is your Amir." Cracked me up! You sure have done something to that man, Kelly. You might end up marrying him after all. I mean, it's in the Anagram Fortune, right? I'm excited to get the details of NY Eve.
In your article interview with Kelly Cutrone, you say that she is CEO of a 360 degree public relations firm. What is that exactly? And how does it work? Is it like what you do for real estate? Or do they actually shape people's images/careers?
Why are New Yorkers so obsessed with real estate?
Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with people even when I thought I did. Have you ever had a dispute with a friend, halfway made-up and then accidentally did something, like spill a drink on her $850 dress and she insists you did it on purpose. You say you're sorry, and she says, "I don't think you mean it." ? I mean, how do you defend her conclusions when your acts and words were benign? Or maybe you notice she's been distant or short with you, you ask what's up and she brings up something you said three months ago that got under her skin? And when you try to clean it up, nothing you say is good enough. Why are women like this? Do you hang on to shit like that? or do you let stuff go? May be you rant on CL and get on with your life. I can't even remember what cuntface Stef did to you, but I do enjoy your rants. Maybe I need to learn to rant better, because lately I think there's too much going on inside.
I learned very early in life how to deal with anger: Complain, debate and then if I don't win, concede to keep the peace. But what happens when I can never win? When conceding does not relieve the stress? When my needs are not being met and no one is listening? I turn the anger inward, and it becomes self-destructive. The older I've gotten , the more action I've been confident to take in order to relieve conflict, or remove myself from it. But now that I cannot do anything to stop bad things from happening to me and I can't debate, concede or act to remove myself from the bad things, the anger has just been burning, I guess. Venting it out, meditating, exercise, silent screaming, and hoping for a better tomorrow is just not working anymore.
Anger at hateful people being spiteful at the numerous indignities, the deliberate indifference to the needs of human beings. At society's acceptance of power abuse and misconduct by the wealthy or well-connected. At Rick for committing the ultimate crimes--stealing three lives, leaving two dead and me to die alive. I have struggled with the cancer of hopelessness for ten years. Most of the time, it is some variant stage of remission, but when it attacks, I am drenched in darkness. And now, I have an added burning of anger that stokes all the anger I've stuffed down toward Rick, toward society, toward my stupid self, and it is threatening to melt me down into mush. The anger has always existed in duality with my idyllic optimism, but now I feel it taking over. All the years that I have kept it inside, ignored its presence, its very existence, has eaten me up inside and I feel like I am falling apart. I'm having a harder time holding it together when I am alone, and it's now spilling over when I interact with some people. The happy face is harder to pain on and quicker to crack.
I still believe that Spirit/The Universe will work all of this for good, but I'm really pissed off at the price I'm paying for it.
I tell myself that I am in control of my emotions, reactions, thoughts, actions, and I have the skills to cope with this, and then I feel a big FUCK YOU bubbles up behind it. I hate my life today.
And how is the Universe treating you today?
Sarah
I am quite certain that Amir has never met anyone like you. That's why he can't let you go. I felt oddly satisfied when you gave him the what-for when he tried to weasel out of NY Eve and then be all hard about it, only to submit and call you. "Baby this is your Amir." Cracked me up! You sure have done something to that man, Kelly. You might end up marrying him after all. I mean, it's in the Anagram Fortune, right? I'm excited to get the details of NY Eve.
In your article interview with Kelly Cutrone, you say that she is CEO of a 360 degree public relations firm. What is that exactly? And how does it work? Is it like what you do for real estate? Or do they actually shape people's images/careers?
Why are New Yorkers so obsessed with real estate?
Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with people even when I thought I did. Have you ever had a dispute with a friend, halfway made-up and then accidentally did something, like spill a drink on her $850 dress and she insists you did it on purpose. You say you're sorry, and she says, "I don't think you mean it." ? I mean, how do you defend her conclusions when your acts and words were benign? Or maybe you notice she's been distant or short with you, you ask what's up and she brings up something you said three months ago that got under her skin? And when you try to clean it up, nothing you say is good enough. Why are women like this? Do you hang on to shit like that? or do you let stuff go? May be you rant on CL and get on with your life. I can't even remember what cuntface Stef did to you, but I do enjoy your rants. Maybe I need to learn to rant better, because lately I think there's too much going on inside.
I learned very early in life how to deal with anger: Complain, debate and then if I don't win, concede to keep the peace. But what happens when I can never win? When conceding does not relieve the stress? When my needs are not being met and no one is listening? I turn the anger inward, and it becomes self-destructive. The older I've gotten , the more action I've been confident to take in order to relieve conflict, or remove myself from it. But now that I cannot do anything to stop bad things from happening to me and I can't debate, concede or act to remove myself from the bad things, the anger has just been burning, I guess. Venting it out, meditating, exercise, silent screaming, and hoping for a better tomorrow is just not working anymore.
Anger at hateful people being spiteful at the numerous indignities, the deliberate indifference to the needs of human beings. At society's acceptance of power abuse and misconduct by the wealthy or well-connected. At Rick for committing the ultimate crimes--stealing three lives, leaving two dead and me to die alive. I have struggled with the cancer of hopelessness for ten years. Most of the time, it is some variant stage of remission, but when it attacks, I am drenched in darkness. And now, I have an added burning of anger that stokes all the anger I've stuffed down toward Rick, toward society, toward my stupid self, and it is threatening to melt me down into mush. The anger has always existed in duality with my idyllic optimism, but now I feel it taking over. All the years that I have kept it inside, ignored its presence, its very existence, has eaten me up inside and I feel like I am falling apart. I'm having a harder time holding it together when I am alone, and it's now spilling over when I interact with some people. The happy face is harder to pain on and quicker to crack.
I still believe that Spirit/The Universe will work all of this for good, but I'm really pissed off at the price I'm paying for it.
I tell myself that I am in control of my emotions, reactions, thoughts, actions, and I have the skills to cope with this, and then I feel a big FUCK YOU bubbles up behind it. I hate my life today.
And how is the Universe treating you today?
Sarah
Monday, January 10, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #8
Hi Kelly,
I can't imagine letting anyone ese read private letters. I'm old school and almost English that way. So be assured a name not mine on the envelope has nothing, Nicht, de rien, etc to do with anyone reading your letters.
[Ed.: I asked him why everytime he writes the return address is in his handwriting but it is a different prisoner's name and ID number. He still won't explain and it is so shady and frustrating.]
Books: people send me books from all over the world. As people I get to know, know how much I read. We do have a library here and the librarian orders lots of books that I ask for. I read omnivorously, daily.
I hungered during my life for books as strongly as I hungered for the body of the other in my case strictly women.
Annika & I cared for each other and took care of each other daily for 14 years at a level that amazed my lawyers.
I loved her unreservedly and our physical intimacy was constant as love and sex combined so well I could not tell the difference and in her case it didn't matter.
After 1000s of women total: focus on one.
Physically 2 or 3 of her (clones) would have suited as I can make love happily 2 or 3 times a day.
Few women are like that: around peak, yes. The rest of the month--take it or leave it.
So as she made each dinner a feast (much cooking, flowers on the table, candles) I made each bedroom loving a ritual occasion that lasted hours but for the rest of the time it was teenage love on the terrace, quick feels in the kitchen or after dinner sex with tea.
It worked. I adored her. She supported me 100%. We survivied years underground, then 4 years of enormous and almost constant media assault.
She learned to do tv interview, etc.
When a court appearance arrived I could do over 50 phone interviews in 2 days.
MADNESS.
But love/sex carried us through.
Peace,
Ira
I can't imagine letting anyone ese read private letters. I'm old school and almost English that way. So be assured a name not mine on the envelope has nothing, Nicht, de rien, etc to do with anyone reading your letters.
[Ed.: I asked him why everytime he writes the return address is in his handwriting but it is a different prisoner's name and ID number. He still won't explain and it is so shady and frustrating.]
Books: people send me books from all over the world. As people I get to know, know how much I read. We do have a library here and the librarian orders lots of books that I ask for. I read omnivorously, daily.
I hungered during my life for books as strongly as I hungered for the body of the other in my case strictly women.
Annika & I cared for each other and took care of each other daily for 14 years at a level that amazed my lawyers.
I loved her unreservedly and our physical intimacy was constant as love and sex combined so well I could not tell the difference and in her case it didn't matter.
After 1000s of women total: focus on one.
Physically 2 or 3 of her (clones) would have suited as I can make love happily 2 or 3 times a day.
Few women are like that: around peak, yes. The rest of the month--take it or leave it.
So as she made each dinner a feast (much cooking, flowers on the table, candles) I made each bedroom loving a ritual occasion that lasted hours but for the rest of the time it was teenage love on the terrace, quick feels in the kitchen or after dinner sex with tea.
It worked. I adored her. She supported me 100%. We survivied years underground, then 4 years of enormous and almost constant media assault.
She learned to do tv interview, etc.
When a court appearance arrived I could do over 50 phone interviews in 2 days.
MADNESS.
But love/sex carried us through.
Peace,
Ira
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #54
Dear Kelly,
Merry Christmas!!!
I hope you have been given all that makes you happy. that' Amir has had a soul conversion on the road to Damascus sort of revelation that he can't live his life without you and no woman will ever make him happier than you do and can. And that he does something baout it. If not, I hope he gives you an envelope of $5000 cash and a glittery piece of jewelry.
Mom came to visit today and put a smile on my face and I called my father during his first cup of coffee so I can't complain about my Christmas. Even stuck in a demented steel room and eating bologna sandwiches for dinner, I have my parents and that is worth an awful lot. It's the most compelling reason that I would never escape again. I don't ever want to be without them again.
I was thinking about the Helium-replacement method, and I thought that a really quick and effective alternative to the tent would be to go to an Amry surplus store and get a gas delivery mask and hook it straight to the He tank. Two minutes to twilight, 90 more seconds to oblivion. I think I thought of that before, but don't remember if I told you or not. Okay, not a great thought on Christmas Day, but it's not really morbid to me, it's just another subject.
There's this song on, a country music hit by Eric Church called "Hell on the Heart". " She's as pretty as a picture, every bit as funny as she is smart. Got a smile that will hold you together and a touch that will tear you apart. When she's yours she brings the sunshine; when she's gone the world goes dark. Boy she's heaven on the eyes, but man, she's hell on the heart."
I imagine that is exactly what Amir thinks of you.
I heard a show, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" a syndicated radio show that had all these morbid, violent or anti-Christmas themed songs. One of them was about a guy who came hom eto Stana banging his wife under the tree. Santa's mean, and th guy's even meaner. Shoots Santa, himself and a couple of reindeer during the escape. Weird. And then, one by the Sick Puppies about "All I want for Christmas is to kill myself." Very punk rock-ish.
I'ts amazing what sort of music is produced.
I prefer Dave Matthews, Counting Crows, Natalie Merchant, Eric Clapton, Pearl Jam, Melissa Etheridge, Eminem, Indigo Girls, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppeliln, Jason Aldine.
Oh Oh Oh! I am so excited about your card!!! Just to the other day I was thinking about how long it might take to hear from Michele and that if I wasn't chosen I wonder if she would tell me where I could improve. I was feleing kind of blue about it and then SURPRISE! I'm in!!! Thank you very much, Kelly, for looking out for me. This is an experience I need, to go through the writing process, and will definitely be a positive point on my list of notable accomplishments. I feel like you are part of my Universal life story, so I pay attention closer to what you bring into my life. I went ahead and ordered an issue of Creative Non-Fiction to see what it was about, get ideas of form and structure of publishable essays, and see what themed submissions they are looking for. I also got my monthly issue of The Sun and see a topic, "Authority" and "Rumors". I think I may submit entries for. I want to write something inspiring or at least that makes a real strong point.
I also got the folder with the non-fiction book proposal and notes in it. Thank you! I opened it to check it out and was delighted to see a long, bright pink letter from you. Oh, Amir.
First, I must say that your civil disobedience move at Amir's was ingenious! Unfortunately it was the result of an emotional breaking point, but it certainly gave him something to think about. His statement, "I never realized how dangerous you are" says it perfectly. You are a danger to his sense of control. He has been in control of every woman he has ever been with. He does what he wants, when he wants, and if they don't like it, he either lies to them or leaves them. There's always a dozen more waiting in line. But how many have had your willpower and resolve? He spends his life chasing you. You are a challenge. So you resist and he keeps chasing you until you give in and he feels liek he gets a prize, so he keeps chasing. But the game took a scary turn for him when you made him feel like you feel---when someone controls what he wants. And the only way to get what he wants is to compromise a part of his life that is unthinkable--leaving you there alone in his home. Giving you more power to snoop/learn and blow down his house of cards by getting personal info.) He wants you to get dressed liek you want him to commit. He can't make you and you can't make him. If he relinquishes his will and leaves you there you will worry about what he is doing without you. I don't imagine he's ever quote had a woman challange his power like this before. And that is why he can't let you go.
He doesn't want to SEE you again because now he's afraid of your power and how you might use it at any moment to control him. If's he's not with you, you have less power, but if you still exchange cards, emails, etc. he can still have a part of you. He does love you. He's also not willing to give up others. And he's afraid of you. You broke his trust. He trusted you to be able to tell you the truth about his life and you used it against him. He trusted you to come into his home and you squatted in protest.
I found what Fareen said to be interesting: He doesn't value women. That's like saying a woman doesn't value leather handbags because she has owned 120 of them, only uses them for 6 mos and switches between 3 and 4 at a time, instead of devoting herself to just one brand, one style and getting it repaired over and over because she loves it so much. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
Maybe women do not hold an intrinsically high value to Amir, but let's say the handbag company makes a particularly cool and smart bag and then says it is limiting production to 250. That's upping the value and the desire to have it and treat it right, bcause you know it is special. With your wit and humor, creativity and looks, conversation skills and bedroom skills, and similar interests and intelligence, and your limited availability, Amir may value you more than his other women, hence he seems to chase you. But he still wants varity. Now, with the law of supply and demand, you can look at it this way: Right now, the general supply of women is great. You are in higher demand because of your specialness, but if the supply of others dried up, your value would be so high that he'd commit, afraid someone else would get you. So, since we both know tht the supply of women will not be dwingling soon, how do you increase your value so much that he commits? Increase the competition, the fear of losing out.
For a year, you have made your resource fairly scarce, upping your value, but he knows that as long as he puts in enough effort, he can obtain you. However, if another buyer entered the market, its possible they could buy up all that's scarce (you) and none would be left for Amir. This skyrockets your value. So l ong as you are sitting around hoping, wishing, waiting, he knows he still has a chance to get you when he wants, with enough effort. I wonder what happens when suddenly you discontinue to play his game. First, a flip of control and then competition.
There's a saying among men that hte way way to find a girlfriend is to get girlfriend. It's true. [Ed.: ZOMG! She is pretty much saying my Ball of Lint Theory...] If women know you are with someone, they see that others value you and that creates demand and competition, and increases value. Even an ugly or dim-witted date can work or even a buddy posing as a date. I swear it works. You can't flaunt it like you want him to know, but open uop your radra and snag a guy who has been waiting in the wings for a couple of dates and watch Amir's reaction.
Besides, it might be exactly what you need. There is no way to be open to whatever or whoever the Universe bring you if you have already put in your order and are just waiting for it to be delivered.
Last time I read Hamlet I wrote down this quote: O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! Or that hte Everlasting had not fixed. His canon against self-slaughter. O God, God
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on it, oh fie! 'tis an unweeded garden
That grows to seed Things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That is should come to this!
--Hamlet
Those feelings of despair have been felt for thousands of year by all sorts of humans. And Amir is right to be worried that you are so sad that you are so smart as to outwit him at his own game. Intelligent people who are deeply emotional have always been so-called dangerous. Even King Claudius knew that. "Madness in great ones must not unwatched go."
I vote you go to his movie premiere in May.
Amir wraps like a handless elf. Fucking hilarious.
I agree LOL should be outlawed. Generally when poeple write it they are not actually laughing out loud, which just makes them liars. LOL is enabling their lies. BAN IT!
I'm sad that it is almost New Year's and I'm going to have to dismantle or toss this beautiful creation of my tree. It took me two days to make , two weeks to look at, and now, getting rid of it feels like a permanent end to a magical season and now just have to hunker down and bear the next 6 weeks with only weekly playoff games to look foward to, the Superbowl, and then go through a lonely Valentine's Day, which signals the start of racing season, all while working on a freedom campaign.
Oh yeah. A Frenchman activist has taken an interest in helping me develop an informative campaign to help FREE PENDER! Iv'e been asking the Universe to send this help and I get to practice my French with a real French person.
I'm excited about OUR VOICE. Thanks agian, Kelly. Really.
I hope to get a letter from you saing you and Amir are better. Honestly, I enjoy your relationship since I don't have one of my own. I don't miss drama, but I miss feeling loved and special and precious, perfect moments of romance.
I sincerely hope you go get yourself a date for NYE. Shrug off Amir and let it go for night. You can get a date in 5 minutes. Stop shutting yourself in. GET OUT! BREATHE! Have a good time.
Enjoy life,
Sarah
Merry Christmas!!!
I hope you have been given all that makes you happy. that' Amir has had a soul conversion on the road to Damascus sort of revelation that he can't live his life without you and no woman will ever make him happier than you do and can. And that he does something baout it. If not, I hope he gives you an envelope of $5000 cash and a glittery piece of jewelry.
Mom came to visit today and put a smile on my face and I called my father during his first cup of coffee so I can't complain about my Christmas. Even stuck in a demented steel room and eating bologna sandwiches for dinner, I have my parents and that is worth an awful lot. It's the most compelling reason that I would never escape again. I don't ever want to be without them again.
I was thinking about the Helium-replacement method, and I thought that a really quick and effective alternative to the tent would be to go to an Amry surplus store and get a gas delivery mask and hook it straight to the He tank. Two minutes to twilight, 90 more seconds to oblivion. I think I thought of that before, but don't remember if I told you or not. Okay, not a great thought on Christmas Day, but it's not really morbid to me, it's just another subject.
There's this song on, a country music hit by Eric Church called "Hell on the Heart". " She's as pretty as a picture, every bit as funny as she is smart. Got a smile that will hold you together and a touch that will tear you apart. When she's yours she brings the sunshine; when she's gone the world goes dark. Boy she's heaven on the eyes, but man, she's hell on the heart."
I imagine that is exactly what Amir thinks of you.
I heard a show, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" a syndicated radio show that had all these morbid, violent or anti-Christmas themed songs. One of them was about a guy who came hom eto Stana banging his wife under the tree. Santa's mean, and th guy's even meaner. Shoots Santa, himself and a couple of reindeer during the escape. Weird. And then, one by the Sick Puppies about "All I want for Christmas is to kill myself." Very punk rock-ish.
I'ts amazing what sort of music is produced.
I prefer Dave Matthews, Counting Crows, Natalie Merchant, Eric Clapton, Pearl Jam, Melissa Etheridge, Eminem, Indigo Girls, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppeliln, Jason Aldine.
Oh Oh Oh! I am so excited about your card!!! Just to the other day I was thinking about how long it might take to hear from Michele and that if I wasn't chosen I wonder if she would tell me where I could improve. I was feleing kind of blue about it and then SURPRISE! I'm in!!! Thank you very much, Kelly, for looking out for me. This is an experience I need, to go through the writing process, and will definitely be a positive point on my list of notable accomplishments. I feel like you are part of my Universal life story, so I pay attention closer to what you bring into my life. I went ahead and ordered an issue of Creative Non-Fiction to see what it was about, get ideas of form and structure of publishable essays, and see what themed submissions they are looking for. I also got my monthly issue of The Sun and see a topic, "Authority" and "Rumors". I think I may submit entries for. I want to write something inspiring or at least that makes a real strong point.
I also got the folder with the non-fiction book proposal and notes in it. Thank you! I opened it to check it out and was delighted to see a long, bright pink letter from you. Oh, Amir.
First, I must say that your civil disobedience move at Amir's was ingenious! Unfortunately it was the result of an emotional breaking point, but it certainly gave him something to think about. His statement, "I never realized how dangerous you are" says it perfectly. You are a danger to his sense of control. He has been in control of every woman he has ever been with. He does what he wants, when he wants, and if they don't like it, he either lies to them or leaves them. There's always a dozen more waiting in line. But how many have had your willpower and resolve? He spends his life chasing you. You are a challenge. So you resist and he keeps chasing you until you give in and he feels liek he gets a prize, so he keeps chasing. But the game took a scary turn for him when you made him feel like you feel---when someone controls what he wants. And the only way to get what he wants is to compromise a part of his life that is unthinkable--leaving you there alone in his home. Giving you more power to snoop/learn and blow down his house of cards by getting personal info.) He wants you to get dressed liek you want him to commit. He can't make you and you can't make him. If he relinquishes his will and leaves you there you will worry about what he is doing without you. I don't imagine he's ever quote had a woman challange his power like this before. And that is why he can't let you go.
He doesn't want to SEE you again because now he's afraid of your power and how you might use it at any moment to control him. If's he's not with you, you have less power, but if you still exchange cards, emails, etc. he can still have a part of you. He does love you. He's also not willing to give up others. And he's afraid of you. You broke his trust. He trusted you to be able to tell you the truth about his life and you used it against him. He trusted you to come into his home and you squatted in protest.
I found what Fareen said to be interesting: He doesn't value women. That's like saying a woman doesn't value leather handbags because she has owned 120 of them, only uses them for 6 mos and switches between 3 and 4 at a time, instead of devoting herself to just one brand, one style and getting it repaired over and over because she loves it so much. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
Maybe women do not hold an intrinsically high value to Amir, but let's say the handbag company makes a particularly cool and smart bag and then says it is limiting production to 250. That's upping the value and the desire to have it and treat it right, bcause you know it is special. With your wit and humor, creativity and looks, conversation skills and bedroom skills, and similar interests and intelligence, and your limited availability, Amir may value you more than his other women, hence he seems to chase you. But he still wants varity. Now, with the law of supply and demand, you can look at it this way: Right now, the general supply of women is great. You are in higher demand because of your specialness, but if the supply of others dried up, your value would be so high that he'd commit, afraid someone else would get you. So, since we both know tht the supply of women will not be dwingling soon, how do you increase your value so much that he commits? Increase the competition, the fear of losing out.
For a year, you have made your resource fairly scarce, upping your value, but he knows that as long as he puts in enough effort, he can obtain you. However, if another buyer entered the market, its possible they could buy up all that's scarce (you) and none would be left for Amir. This skyrockets your value. So l ong as you are sitting around hoping, wishing, waiting, he knows he still has a chance to get you when he wants, with enough effort. I wonder what happens when suddenly you discontinue to play his game. First, a flip of control and then competition.
There's a saying among men that hte way way to find a girlfriend is to get girlfriend. It's true. [Ed.: ZOMG! She is pretty much saying my Ball of Lint Theory...] If women know you are with someone, they see that others value you and that creates demand and competition, and increases value. Even an ugly or dim-witted date can work or even a buddy posing as a date. I swear it works. You can't flaunt it like you want him to know, but open uop your radra and snag a guy who has been waiting in the wings for a couple of dates and watch Amir's reaction.
Besides, it might be exactly what you need. There is no way to be open to whatever or whoever the Universe bring you if you have already put in your order and are just waiting for it to be delivered.
Last time I read Hamlet I wrote down this quote: O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! Or that hte Everlasting had not fixed. His canon against self-slaughter. O God, God
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on it, oh fie! 'tis an unweeded garden
That grows to seed Things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That is should come to this!
--Hamlet
Those feelings of despair have been felt for thousands of year by all sorts of humans. And Amir is right to be worried that you are so sad that you are so smart as to outwit him at his own game. Intelligent people who are deeply emotional have always been so-called dangerous. Even King Claudius knew that. "Madness in great ones must not unwatched go."
I vote you go to his movie premiere in May.
Amir wraps like a handless elf. Fucking hilarious.
I agree LOL should be outlawed. Generally when poeple write it they are not actually laughing out loud, which just makes them liars. LOL is enabling their lies. BAN IT!
I'm sad that it is almost New Year's and I'm going to have to dismantle or toss this beautiful creation of my tree. It took me two days to make , two weeks to look at, and now, getting rid of it feels like a permanent end to a magical season and now just have to hunker down and bear the next 6 weeks with only weekly playoff games to look foward to, the Superbowl, and then go through a lonely Valentine's Day, which signals the start of racing season, all while working on a freedom campaign.
Oh yeah. A Frenchman activist has taken an interest in helping me develop an informative campaign to help FREE PENDER! Iv'e been asking the Universe to send this help and I get to practice my French with a real French person.
I'm excited about OUR VOICE. Thanks agian, Kelly. Really.
I hope to get a letter from you saing you and Amir are better. Honestly, I enjoy your relationship since I don't have one of my own. I don't miss drama, but I miss feeling loved and special and precious, perfect moments of romance.
I sincerely hope you go get yourself a date for NYE. Shrug off Amir and let it go for night. You can get a date in 5 minutes. Stop shutting yourself in. GET OUT! BREATHE! Have a good time.
Enjoy life,
Sarah
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Justin Barber, #5
I had not heard from Justin Barber for a long time. He had stopped writing so this Christmas I sent him a Christmas card. Turns out he had been punished and all his mail was taken so he had no record of my address. In case you have forgotten who he is and what he is in prison for you can read about him HERE.
Kelly,
Your card arrived today. Thanks for thinking of me. It was a little eerie receiving your card this evening because I was thinking of you earlier today. In passing, I watched a few minutes of a tv show called Real Housewives of New York. Of course I thought of you even before learning that one of the personalities on the show is named Kelly.
I've missed your letters as well. You always sent interesting things. I haven't written you because I lost your address some time ago. I was placed in disciplinary confinement earlier in the year. During that process many of m personal belongings "disappeared" including all of your correspondence. For some reason I had never written your address in my journal, so when your letters disappeared, so did your address. Your pictures were lost too, except for one of you wearing a sexy black dress and a "Happy New Year" tiara. I'm looking at that pic. while I write this.
I hope you're well and enjoying the holidays. You've had plenty of snow lately, but I don't know if it arrived in time for a while Christmas.
I'll keep this short in order to post it in the morning. I hope you'll write soon and catch me up on your life.
Happy New Year,
Justin
Kelly,
Your card arrived today. Thanks for thinking of me. It was a little eerie receiving your card this evening because I was thinking of you earlier today. In passing, I watched a few minutes of a tv show called Real Housewives of New York. Of course I thought of you even before learning that one of the personalities on the show is named Kelly.
I've missed your letters as well. You always sent interesting things. I haven't written you because I lost your address some time ago. I was placed in disciplinary confinement earlier in the year. During that process many of m personal belongings "disappeared" including all of your correspondence. For some reason I had never written your address in my journal, so when your letters disappeared, so did your address. Your pictures were lost too, except for one of you wearing a sexy black dress and a "Happy New Year" tiara. I'm looking at that pic. while I write this.
I hope you're well and enjoying the holidays. You've had plenty of snow lately, but I don't know if it arrived in time for a while Christmas.
I'll keep this short in order to post it in the morning. I hope you'll write soon and catch me up on your life.
Happy New Year,
Justin
Monday, January 3, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #105
Kelly: Tis indeed the season. Wishing you a safe and healthy holiday season/many, many more...
[ Ed: INSERT THE WORDS TO O HOLY NIGHT]
Your favorite day of the week! Wondering if you are ensconced in your warm Manhattan next, as it looks like there' s a storm a'coming...A BIG storm. And I know how you love winter. Actually, they say that NYC will be spared the worst of the heavy snow & sub-zero temps.
My humble effort at a Christmas card. As i believe I mentioned before there are several Christmas carols that I could listen to any time of the year, because they are marvelous pieces of music. "O HOLY NIGHT" is one of the best. When you hear the triplets of notes in the intro it is unmistakeable.
Ok--a week since my last letter, so let me continue trying to discuss all the fascinating topics from your recent letters. Please excuse my jumping back and forth...
> A final note on your much appreciated synopsis/analysis of CATFISH. Recently saw again the film that foreshadows the whole deception at a distance theme: The Night Listener starring Robin Williams/based on a true? experience of the author Armistad Maupin in the 1990s.
You might recall that film ends with thre woman who had pretended to have a son coming home from the hospital. Played by Toni Collette. I know we disagree on her level of talent.
>So ends Season 2 of The League. Cut little show, yes, but also well-writtne. Having the girl in the League this season was a masterstroke. By the way if you know anyone who obsesses over fantasy football --much of the show rings true.
Certainly hope Louis CK comes back. Did I tell you I saw him on one of the late-night talk shows? So funny...
>Just so you know lots of good thoughts were sent your way when i read the closing of your Nov letter in which Amir was in Vermont (my God--your life IS a Seinfeld episode): "Everything is going wrong and I have the perfect storm of things to worry and be unhappy about."
NEW book idea: The Eternal Optimism of Kelly Kreth!
***
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! A slight bone to pick with you. Actually on two points. POINT ONE: You really projected big time on The Young Prisoner's Handbook. Let me try to explain: In our fictional account of a sociopath, terrible---really, terrible--acts were performed, with horrific consequences....BUT nothing like the plot of YPH. [Ed.: We have agreed then when talking about his crimes he will discuss them in terms of a fictional story we have both read about a nameless sociopath...] The young protagonist in YPH apprently uses a slow-acting toxin. My guess---based on your description of the film--would be Thallium (look it up)-- a very nasty piece of work...in our fictional accopunt, the sociopath is very familiar with it, but does not use it, or anything similar. [Thallium is insidious, deadly but very slowly, but also easily detectable if suspected.]
[Ed.: I have to interject here. This fucking fascinates me. He is actually discussing what types of poisin he used! OMG!]
I can so clearly see you watching that film and getting more and more horrified and upset, thinking, "HE was part of this firsthand! OMG!" NO, he wasn't.
Truth or dare: Truth: I asked you about the film because its title and subject, you will agree, are singular and unique. You were kind enough to watch it. There was no ultierior motice. All I wanted to know was what it was about and was it as described a "gleefully black comedy". And based on what you said, this was not a comedy, not evne a dark one. "This was a horror story." Point taken. But, based on your powerful reaction to the film--despite its horror--it sounds like the film had an impact. I had no idea what the film is like, as I have never seen it. So please no projection onto moi!
I've said before your experience with a near-chronic illness if not near-death with John clearly had a devastating impact on your view of such things. You see to have a much less pleasant view of sex/sexuality...not sure why. POINT TWO: No "fixation on sex/sensuality/sexuality at all for me. And trust m e being here has nothing to do with it. It is not my nature, it's human nature, Kelly.
Think of all we have talked about "lo these many letters" -- the percentage of discussions or mentions of sex is miniscule. But even that makes you skittish. I bright up the delightful and endlessly fascinating topic whenever it comes up naturally. Really. You really do blow it way out of proportion thus elevating it beyond any semblance of balance. Pus you don't giveit a chance.
You might notice that I never use the "c" word. A brutal, vicious word not for use by men. My conversations regarding this verboten topic are hardly ever graphic.
Now here is the kicker! In your letter, you write "I wish I could watch all you've done like I watched that movie."
REALLY, KK??? You would watch what amounts to hours and hours of a snuff film without batting an eye, but merely talking ab out an intensely loving and sensual experience or the intimacy of oral sex for a woman when she is with a man she loves or cares for or any other way a man or woman can become part of one another through their bodies and bodily fluids... This you go ballistic over? Not angry, just puzzled.
Of couse in that you are not alone. Films and TV are, full of the most graphic and detailed violence...closeups of GSW to the head/decapitations/the intensely detailed autopsy scenes over and over on Law and Order and CSI...over and over and over... This is all televised and filmed and watched by all ages with nary a peep of protest.
But OH MY GOD! The film Blue Valentine apparently shows something during a love scene, the producers have to fight to prevent an NC-17 rating. But if Gosling had stabbed her 50 times and the camera zoomed in on MIchele Williams' multiple bloody wounds, neck arteries pulsing her life's blood on the floor, closeups of Michele's face...There would be no objections.
Note to Kelly: If it won't cause permanent damage to your psyche (joking my dear :-) ) : When you see Blue Valentine, tell me what allt he fuss is about. Supposedly the Ratings Board relented without forcing any changes. Thank you.
> My final notes (for today) on the subject: To paraphrase you: "Oh Kelly, you don't need to be flattered, but under different circumstances in a galaxy far, far away, we would be exactly what you claim we would not be. With no danger to you from toxins. Once again, you project all you know about me now for some reason cannot see or you refuse to see that would have been at least as likely as not.
And so what? Guess what---most of the Manson girls were quite pertty and sexy as young women. I could have easily been intensely attracted to one of them if we were sutdents in the late 60s and around the same age. Is that good or bad or... No, it just is...
So my dear Kelly, when that subject or any other is appropriate or necessary I won't hesitate or shy away.
And I want to discuss all of those many other things to allow us to know each other deeply. I too say "Trust". Extend your boundaries just a bit and I promise you will never be hurt or uncomfortable. And as with all the other subjects, we will both learn more about each other.
See--no stick in the mud/NO "scolding". I think far too much of you to ever think that of you.
***
More from that particular letter to discuss, but I must get this iin the mail . So let me close with the less controversial subject we both love: MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
Yes, KK, so much more to talk about. Sorry I went on far too long--seems to be my nature. :-) Next letter to follow sooner rather than later. Thinking of you. Again a safe and healthy and warm holiday to you. Write soon. XOXO, Your friend, Michael
[ Ed: INSERT THE WORDS TO O HOLY NIGHT]
Your favorite day of the week! Wondering if you are ensconced in your warm Manhattan next, as it looks like there' s a storm a'coming...A BIG storm. And I know how you love winter. Actually, they say that NYC will be spared the worst of the heavy snow & sub-zero temps.
My humble effort at a Christmas card. As i believe I mentioned before there are several Christmas carols that I could listen to any time of the year, because they are marvelous pieces of music. "O HOLY NIGHT" is one of the best. When you hear the triplets of notes in the intro it is unmistakeable.
Ok--a week since my last letter, so let me continue trying to discuss all the fascinating topics from your recent letters. Please excuse my jumping back and forth...
> A final note on your much appreciated synopsis/analysis of CATFISH. Recently saw again the film that foreshadows the whole deception at a distance theme: The Night Listener starring Robin Williams/based on a true? experience of the author Armistad Maupin in the 1990s.
You might recall that film ends with thre woman who had pretended to have a son coming home from the hospital. Played by Toni Collette. I know we disagree on her level of talent.
>So ends Season 2 of The League. Cut little show, yes, but also well-writtne. Having the girl in the League this season was a masterstroke. By the way if you know anyone who obsesses over fantasy football --much of the show rings true.
Certainly hope Louis CK comes back. Did I tell you I saw him on one of the late-night talk shows? So funny...
>Just so you know lots of good thoughts were sent your way when i read the closing of your Nov letter in which Amir was in Vermont (my God--your life IS a Seinfeld episode): "Everything is going wrong and I have the perfect storm of things to worry and be unhappy about."
NEW book idea: The Eternal Optimism of Kelly Kreth!
***
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! A slight bone to pick with you. Actually on two points. POINT ONE: You really projected big time on The Young Prisoner's Handbook. Let me try to explain: In our fictional account of a sociopath, terrible---really, terrible--acts were performed, with horrific consequences....BUT nothing like the plot of YPH. [Ed.: We have agreed then when talking about his crimes he will discuss them in terms of a fictional story we have both read about a nameless sociopath...] The young protagonist in YPH apprently uses a slow-acting toxin. My guess---based on your description of the film--would be Thallium (look it up)-- a very nasty piece of work...in our fictional accopunt, the sociopath is very familiar with it, but does not use it, or anything similar. [Thallium is insidious, deadly but very slowly, but also easily detectable if suspected.]
[Ed.: I have to interject here. This fucking fascinates me. He is actually discussing what types of poisin he used! OMG!]
I can so clearly see you watching that film and getting more and more horrified and upset, thinking, "HE was part of this firsthand! OMG!" NO, he wasn't.
Truth or dare: Truth: I asked you about the film because its title and subject, you will agree, are singular and unique. You were kind enough to watch it. There was no ultierior motice. All I wanted to know was what it was about and was it as described a "gleefully black comedy". And based on what you said, this was not a comedy, not evne a dark one. "This was a horror story." Point taken. But, based on your powerful reaction to the film--despite its horror--it sounds like the film had an impact. I had no idea what the film is like, as I have never seen it. So please no projection onto moi!
I've said before your experience with a near-chronic illness if not near-death with John clearly had a devastating impact on your view of such things. You see to have a much less pleasant view of sex/sexuality...not sure why. POINT TWO: No "fixation on sex/sensuality/sexuality at all for me. And trust m e being here has nothing to do with it. It is not my nature, it's human nature, Kelly.
Think of all we have talked about "lo these many letters" -- the percentage of discussions or mentions of sex is miniscule. But even that makes you skittish. I bright up the delightful and endlessly fascinating topic whenever it comes up naturally. Really. You really do blow it way out of proportion thus elevating it beyond any semblance of balance. Pus you don't giveit a chance.
You might notice that I never use the "c" word. A brutal, vicious word not for use by men. My conversations regarding this verboten topic are hardly ever graphic.
Now here is the kicker! In your letter, you write "I wish I could watch all you've done like I watched that movie."
REALLY, KK??? You would watch what amounts to hours and hours of a snuff film without batting an eye, but merely talking ab out an intensely loving and sensual experience or the intimacy of oral sex for a woman when she is with a man she loves or cares for or any other way a man or woman can become part of one another through their bodies and bodily fluids... This you go ballistic over? Not angry, just puzzled.
Of couse in that you are not alone. Films and TV are, full of the most graphic and detailed violence...closeups of GSW to the head/decapitations/the intensely detailed autopsy scenes over and over on Law and Order and CSI...over and over and over... This is all televised and filmed and watched by all ages with nary a peep of protest.
But OH MY GOD! The film Blue Valentine apparently shows something during a love scene, the producers have to fight to prevent an NC-17 rating. But if Gosling had stabbed her 50 times and the camera zoomed in on MIchele Williams' multiple bloody wounds, neck arteries pulsing her life's blood on the floor, closeups of Michele's face...There would be no objections.
Note to Kelly: If it won't cause permanent damage to your psyche (joking my dear :-) ) : When you see Blue Valentine, tell me what allt he fuss is about. Supposedly the Ratings Board relented without forcing any changes. Thank you.
> My final notes (for today) on the subject: To paraphrase you: "Oh Kelly, you don't need to be flattered, but under different circumstances in a galaxy far, far away, we would be exactly what you claim we would not be. With no danger to you from toxins. Once again, you project all you know about me now for some reason cannot see or you refuse to see that would have been at least as likely as not.
And so what? Guess what---most of the Manson girls were quite pertty and sexy as young women. I could have easily been intensely attracted to one of them if we were sutdents in the late 60s and around the same age. Is that good or bad or... No, it just is...
So my dear Kelly, when that subject or any other is appropriate or necessary I won't hesitate or shy away.
And I want to discuss all of those many other things to allow us to know each other deeply. I too say "Trust". Extend your boundaries just a bit and I promise you will never be hurt or uncomfortable. And as with all the other subjects, we will both learn more about each other.
See--no stick in the mud/NO "scolding". I think far too much of you to ever think that of you.
***
More from that particular letter to discuss, but I must get this iin the mail . So let me close with the less controversial subject we both love: MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
Yes, KK, so much more to talk about. Sorry I went on far too long--seems to be my nature. :-) Next letter to follow sooner rather than later. Thinking of you. Again a safe and healthy and warm holiday to you. Write soon. XOXO, Your friend, Michael
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Found the missing Ira Einhorn letter...
Hi Taurus Lady:
If putting it on paper helps, by all means do so: working things through again and again, can be an enormous help.
Scorpios can be very powerful as I have discovered from time to time. They have three levels: Serpent (Mostly), Lion (Maybe a few) and Eagle (in 200 probably none you will meet.) I'm a Taurus 2nd house 5 of my planets in the Scorpio house, so I confused love and sex for a long time and attracted everything that walked.
It took a long time to realize that good sex is a good start, but won't sustain a relationship.
I'm very solid, but am mentally mercurial and Uranian and have spent my life learning, so almost never met women who could even follow my mind,let alone understand
so
as with friends, I learned to divide and always had scads of lovers besides a girl or live-in
Didn't confuse me, but sure confused my closest ladies.
That pattern persisted until I met a wife then absolute monogamy and happy for it
but
all that roaming and vast sexual experience taught me an enormous amount I'm trying to distill into erotic tales: difficult as too much of it reads like porno and most women, today, act like whores--I'm describing, not talking in valuative terms.
Get Prelude to Initmacy and read my Taurean tale--what hte hell was she doing.
I clipped a put a picture of Marilyn Monroe in my journal recently, as the Monroe tale is still playing out.
She is in a bookstore--you are looking at her sideways. She is leaning back at an angle--tits---she had titls not breasts (reading Ulysses)--in your face.
I captioned the clipping: Ah, if tits were enough.
She yearned after knowledge and ended up with a m an who could teach her, but whose friends found her silly and pathetic and lacking empathy, he went with them.
We are all snobs in our own way, but I've learned that the willingness to learn can conquer one's learned snobbery.
Mos tpeople do not entertain ideas beyond the basics of living. They just don't care about Darwin, Marx, Einstein, etc.
I had a few friends like that and lovers, but no matter how good the blow job, I want talk in bed and other places, so I quickly learned to avoid 'Susie' --now matter how beautifuli and hot to have me in her bed, AND except for rare situations her maile counterparts never got near me.
There are always exceptions and I had affairs and friendship with people who my closet could not imagine me knowing. Do people still put the possessive case before the gerund?
I did the same with males: smoking buddies, go playing buddies, deep intellectual buddies, sex play buddies, etc.
Little overlap, so lots of jealousy that I ignored. My oldest friends just accepted the fact that part of my life were hidden.
The women who lived with me found it exciting
BUT
I'm a Taurus and come from the same place in the Zodiac --within a degree m aybe--the same degree as you.
So the excitement is froth.
What I want and found for 14 years is monogamy, TRUST, intimacy and consistency. Hard to find for a 40 year old woman in 2010 but Amir is not for you unless you thrive on heartbreak. So bite the bullet and look elsewhere as he is playing with you and will hurt you, hurt you, hurt you.
People who really feel are increasingly out of luck in this world of acceleration.
I knew NY in the 60s and 70s. I had many homles away form home there and did lots of business there. BUT never liked it and always said NO when offers came to move there.
2010 New York not a clue as the USA is business, business, business.
Like location, location, location...
The art is dreck. American lit has diappeared.
IDEAS: HA!
NOH place reigns and one warm caring body can make a world as I found and out now as the awareness spreads that it is closing time, it will grow more difficult.
Rad two small things: The Vanishing Face of Gaia by James Lovelock and End of the Wild by Stephen M. Meyer and you will see the BIG WAVE or go to a liebrary and read any chapter of Jaleb's The Black Swan.
Peace.
Ira
If putting it on paper helps, by all means do so: working things through again and again, can be an enormous help.
Scorpios can be very powerful as I have discovered from time to time. They have three levels: Serpent (Mostly), Lion (Maybe a few) and Eagle (in 200 probably none you will meet.) I'm a Taurus 2nd house 5 of my planets in the Scorpio house, so I confused love and sex for a long time and attracted everything that walked.
It took a long time to realize that good sex is a good start, but won't sustain a relationship.
I'm very solid, but am mentally mercurial and Uranian and have spent my life learning, so almost never met women who could even follow my mind,let alone understand
so
as with friends, I learned to divide and always had scads of lovers besides a girl or live-in
Didn't confuse me, but sure confused my closest ladies.
That pattern persisted until I met a wife then absolute monogamy and happy for it
but
all that roaming and vast sexual experience taught me an enormous amount I'm trying to distill into erotic tales: difficult as too much of it reads like porno and most women, today, act like whores--I'm describing, not talking in valuative terms.
Get Prelude to Initmacy and read my Taurean tale--what hte hell was she doing.
I clipped a put a picture of Marilyn Monroe in my journal recently, as the Monroe tale is still playing out.
She is in a bookstore--you are looking at her sideways. She is leaning back at an angle--tits---she had titls not breasts (reading Ulysses)--in your face.
I captioned the clipping: Ah, if tits were enough.
She yearned after knowledge and ended up with a m an who could teach her, but whose friends found her silly and pathetic and lacking empathy, he went with them.
We are all snobs in our own way, but I've learned that the willingness to learn can conquer one's learned snobbery.
Mos tpeople do not entertain ideas beyond the basics of living. They just don't care about Darwin, Marx, Einstein, etc.
I had a few friends like that and lovers, but no matter how good the blow job, I want talk in bed and other places, so I quickly learned to avoid 'Susie' --now matter how beautifuli and hot to have me in her bed, AND except for rare situations her maile counterparts never got near me.
There are always exceptions and I had affairs and friendship with people who my closet could not imagine me knowing. Do people still put the possessive case before the gerund?
I did the same with males: smoking buddies, go playing buddies, deep intellectual buddies, sex play buddies, etc.
Little overlap, so lots of jealousy that I ignored. My oldest friends just accepted the fact that part of my life were hidden.
The women who lived with me found it exciting
BUT
I'm a Taurus and come from the same place in the Zodiac --within a degree m aybe--the same degree as you.
So the excitement is froth.
What I want and found for 14 years is monogamy, TRUST, intimacy and consistency. Hard to find for a 40 year old woman in 2010 but Amir is not for you unless you thrive on heartbreak. So bite the bullet and look elsewhere as he is playing with you and will hurt you, hurt you, hurt you.
People who really feel are increasingly out of luck in this world of acceleration.
I knew NY in the 60s and 70s. I had many homles away form home there and did lots of business there. BUT never liked it and always said NO when offers came to move there.
2010 New York not a clue as the USA is business, business, business.
Like location, location, location...
The art is dreck. American lit has diappeared.
IDEAS: HA!
NOH place reigns and one warm caring body can make a world as I found and out now as the awareness spreads that it is closing time, it will grow more difficult.
Rad two small things: The Vanishing Face of Gaia by James Lovelock and End of the Wild by Stephen M. Meyer and you will see the BIG WAVE or go to a liebrary and read any chapter of Jaleb's The Black Swan.
Peace.
Ira
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #6 & 7
Ed.: I lost letter 7; I did get to read it through once and it was just more of the same--more narcissistic rambling. Here's my opinion of Einhorn: he's a bore. Really. I don't doubt he is smart and in researching him, he really was friends with some of the 60s and 70s most prominent people. However, his meglomania is exhausting.]
Hi Kelly,
I was underground and mainly out of communication with everyone for 17 years!!! That, death adn fear have taken a deep toll.
But if some were not helping, it would be a lot worse.
When you go underground, you give up everything.
My closest has reconnected, visited, etc. But I was away for two decades, so ... few left unless directly called upon and that is difficult when you are put in a black hole.
You will get my letters. I'm similar to a British Secretary: The mail comes first, but explanations of names are not for these letters as it is trivilal, administrative nonsense: Nichts to worry about. [Ed.: He is referencing my question about why his return address names and prison ID numbers are not his own. He is clearly writing in other inmates' info. on the return addresses in his own hand and that is odd. I need to know why he is doing this and clearly he is doing something very shady of which I want no part. I wrote again after this non-response of his and said while he is making it clear he doesn't want to elaborate, I must know that my letters are getting directly to him and that he isn't sharing them with other inmates. This is probably, by far, the most startling evidence of sociopathic behavior I've seen from a prisoner. Sociopaths use assumed identities all the time; they wear their own name like a hat.]
Bad flus are about. One here, now, is akin to sleeping sickness.
All I use is vitamins and try to get more sleep.
But
You are stressed (because lack of job, your current bad boy, and you don't like the cold) so sleep a little more if you can and take some good multi-vitamins (helps the immune system cope.)
The stress will get worse as t he economy is not improving anytime soon and the general news: Iraq, Iran, Afghan, North Korea, etc. is only going to get worse.
I'm the block clerk so when I bought the papers down this morning, a guy was talking about North Korea and their threatening nuclear war.
The co. had heard de rien.
I went up to chow.
As it was a football morning, I asked a couple of guys about North Korea. Both thought they had won in overtime. Welcome to my America.
Hope you feel better.
If you want serious, difficult in the USA when you are 40, clear the decks of your bad boy: he isn't going to change and you are wasting your time.
I find most americans to have serious characterological (?) defects which prevents them from maintaining any values I wish to have converse with.
I noticed it while abroad.
The women didn't know I was American. Their assumptions made me ill, so I quickly learned to avoid.
Since I've been back, what I noticed has gotten worse. If I win my federal appearl, I'm gone. Europe is a much more sympathetic place, particularly for anyone practising an art.
Europe--in spite of Hitler & Stalin--has managed to retain sme semblance of humanity.
But Western civiilzation, the West, is in great decline.
In the French countryside, I could literally monitor the decline as city ways took over and trust dissolved.
Sad.
Most dont' even know what has been lost, but that is how history functions.
My sagest political friend, an American who lives in the hills above Cannes has been providing me with info. about the decline, since I surfaced---not willingly--in 1997.
We used PGP, so we could talk freely and emailed ---similar to Twitter--very often.
He is from the old LSD crown and lived with his french lady on a catamaran for a number of years until he suffered a disabling injury.
He is a chemist and computer whiz.
I have friend like him all over the world, but must sit silently as they are shocked or frightened.
My going underground freaked a lot of people out and they just can't handle what went on.
From time to time, a book or money arrives in the mail: the wages of guilt.
I had a slew of older prominent friends: many are dead. I only pick up their deaths by reading the Trib. My closest Irish friend---A terrorist leader--suddenly disappeared. It took me two years to confirm his death.
When in Stockholm, even in a place with big windows it got dark by 2:30, so solstice is a blessing.
I was lucky, I had libraries, a novel to work on (on an old amstrad wp: look it up) and a woman I loved to hold and kiss who was a good cook and an entire city to explore.
I like scandies and they like me, so okay.
Get better.
Peace.
Hi Kelly,
I was underground and mainly out of communication with everyone for 17 years!!! That, death adn fear have taken a deep toll.
But if some were not helping, it would be a lot worse.
When you go underground, you give up everything.
My closest has reconnected, visited, etc. But I was away for two decades, so ... few left unless directly called upon and that is difficult when you are put in a black hole.
You will get my letters. I'm similar to a British Secretary: The mail comes first, but explanations of names are not for these letters as it is trivilal, administrative nonsense: Nichts to worry about. [Ed.: He is referencing my question about why his return address names and prison ID numbers are not his own. He is clearly writing in other inmates' info. on the return addresses in his own hand and that is odd. I need to know why he is doing this and clearly he is doing something very shady of which I want no part. I wrote again after this non-response of his and said while he is making it clear he doesn't want to elaborate, I must know that my letters are getting directly to him and that he isn't sharing them with other inmates. This is probably, by far, the most startling evidence of sociopathic behavior I've seen from a prisoner. Sociopaths use assumed identities all the time; they wear their own name like a hat.]
Bad flus are about. One here, now, is akin to sleeping sickness.
All I use is vitamins and try to get more sleep.
But
You are stressed (because lack of job, your current bad boy, and you don't like the cold) so sleep a little more if you can and take some good multi-vitamins (helps the immune system cope.)
The stress will get worse as t he economy is not improving anytime soon and the general news: Iraq, Iran, Afghan, North Korea, etc. is only going to get worse.
I'm the block clerk so when I bought the papers down this morning, a guy was talking about North Korea and their threatening nuclear war.
The co. had heard de rien.
I went up to chow.
As it was a football morning, I asked a couple of guys about North Korea. Both thought they had won in overtime. Welcome to my America.
Hope you feel better.
If you want serious, difficult in the USA when you are 40, clear the decks of your bad boy: he isn't going to change and you are wasting your time.
I find most americans to have serious characterological (?) defects which prevents them from maintaining any values I wish to have converse with.
I noticed it while abroad.
The women didn't know I was American. Their assumptions made me ill, so I quickly learned to avoid.
Since I've been back, what I noticed has gotten worse. If I win my federal appearl, I'm gone. Europe is a much more sympathetic place, particularly for anyone practising an art.
Europe--in spite of Hitler & Stalin--has managed to retain sme semblance of humanity.
But Western civiilzation, the West, is in great decline.
In the French countryside, I could literally monitor the decline as city ways took over and trust dissolved.
Sad.
Most dont' even know what has been lost, but that is how history functions.
My sagest political friend, an American who lives in the hills above Cannes has been providing me with info. about the decline, since I surfaced---not willingly--in 1997.
We used PGP, so we could talk freely and emailed ---similar to Twitter--very often.
He is from the old LSD crown and lived with his french lady on a catamaran for a number of years until he suffered a disabling injury.
He is a chemist and computer whiz.
I have friend like him all over the world, but must sit silently as they are shocked or frightened.
My going underground freaked a lot of people out and they just can't handle what went on.
From time to time, a book or money arrives in the mail: the wages of guilt.
I had a slew of older prominent friends: many are dead. I only pick up their deaths by reading the Trib. My closest Irish friend---A terrorist leader--suddenly disappeared. It took me two years to confirm his death.
When in Stockholm, even in a place with big windows it got dark by 2:30, so solstice is a blessing.
I was lucky, I had libraries, a novel to work on (on an old amstrad wp: look it up) and a woman I loved to hold and kiss who was a good cook and an entire city to explore.
I like scandies and they like me, so okay.
Get better.
Peace.
