Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #55

I love my copy of DOWN THERE [Ed.: I sent her a small poster of the painting she made me.]. Thank you! I like it cropped. And you have an adorable little tree. Do you keep it up until Valentine's Day It's totally a V-day tree. Thank you for taking it. It made me happy. I sent it to a buddy who does collage for mail art projects, so that your tree will live on in art forever.

I am quite certain that Amir has never met anyone like you. That's why he can't let you go. I felt oddly satisfied when you gave him the what-for when he tried to weasel out of NY Eve and then be all hard about it, only to submit and call you. "Baby this is your Amir." Cracked me up! You sure have done something to that man, Kelly. You might end up marrying him after all. I mean, it's in the Anagram Fortune, right? I'm excited to get the details of NY Eve.

In your article interview with Kelly Cutrone, you say that she is CEO of a 360 degree public relations firm. What is that exactly? And how does it work? Is it like what you do for real estate? Or do they actually shape people's images/careers?

Why are New Yorkers so obsessed with real estate?

Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with people even when I thought I did. Have you ever had a dispute with a friend, halfway made-up and then accidentally did something, like spill a drink on her $850 dress and she insists you did it on purpose. You say you're sorry, and she says, "I don't think you mean it." ? I mean, how do you defend her conclusions when your acts and words were benign? Or maybe you notice she's been distant or short with you, you ask what's up and she brings up something you said three months ago that got under her skin? And when you try to clean it up, nothing you say is good enough. Why are women like this? Do you hang on to shit like that? or do you let stuff go? May be you rant on CL and get on with your life. I can't even remember what cuntface Stef did to you, but I do enjoy your rants. Maybe I need to learn to rant better, because lately I think there's too much going on inside.

I learned very early in life how to deal with anger: Complain, debate and then if I don't win, concede to keep the peace. But what happens when I can never win? When conceding does not relieve the stress? When my needs are not being met and no one is listening? I turn the anger inward, and it becomes self-destructive. The older I've gotten , the more action I've been confident to take in order to relieve conflict, or remove myself from it. But now that I cannot do anything to stop bad things from happening to me and I can't debate, concede or act to remove myself from the bad things, the anger has just been burning, I guess. Venting it out, meditating, exercise, silent screaming, and hoping for a better tomorrow is just not working anymore.

Anger at hateful people being spiteful at the numerous indignities, the deliberate indifference to the needs of human beings. At society's acceptance of power abuse and misconduct by the wealthy or well-connected. At Rick for committing the ultimate crimes--stealing three lives, leaving two dead and me to die alive. I have struggled with the cancer of hopelessness for ten years. Most of the time, it is some variant stage of remission, but when it attacks, I am drenched in darkness. And now, I have an added burning of anger that stokes all the anger I've stuffed down toward Rick, toward society, toward my stupid self, and it is threatening to melt me down into mush. The anger has always existed in duality with my idyllic optimism, but now I feel it taking over. All the years that I have kept it inside, ignored its presence, its very existence, has eaten me up inside and I feel like I am falling apart. I'm having a harder time holding it together when I am alone, and it's now spilling over when I interact with some people. The happy face is harder to pain on and quicker to crack.

I still believe that Spirit/The Universe will work all of this for good, but I'm really pissed off at the price I'm paying for it.

I tell myself that I am in control of my emotions, reactions, thoughts, actions, and I have the skills to cope with this, and then I feel a big FUCK YOU bubbles up behind it. I hate my life today.

And how is the Universe treating you today?

Sarah