Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #105

Kelly: Tis indeed the season. Wishing you a safe and healthy holiday season/many, many more...

[ Ed: INSERT THE WORDS TO O HOLY NIGHT]

Your favorite day of the week! Wondering if you are ensconced in your warm Manhattan next, as it looks like there' s a storm a'coming...A BIG storm. And I know how you love winter. Actually, they say that NYC will be spared the worst of the heavy snow & sub-zero temps.

My humble effort at a Christmas card. As i believe I mentioned before there are several Christmas carols that I could listen to any time of the year, because they are marvelous pieces of music. "O HOLY NIGHT" is one of the best. When you hear the triplets of notes in the intro it is unmistakeable.

Ok--a week since my last letter, so let me continue trying to discuss all the fascinating topics from your recent letters. Please excuse my jumping back and forth...

> A final note on your much appreciated synopsis/analysis of CATFISH. Recently saw again the film that foreshadows the whole deception at a distance theme: The Night Listener starring Robin Williams/based on a true? experience of the author Armistad Maupin in the 1990s.
You might recall that film ends with thre woman who had pretended to have a son coming home from the hospital. Played by Toni Collette. I know we disagree on her level of talent.

>So ends Season 2 of The League. Cut little show, yes, but also well-writtne. Having the girl in the League this season was a masterstroke. By the way if you know anyone who obsesses over fantasy football --much of the show rings true.
Certainly hope Louis CK comes back. Did I tell you I saw him on one of the late-night talk shows? So funny...

>Just so you know lots of good thoughts were sent your way when i read the closing of your Nov letter in which Amir was in Vermont (my God--your life IS a Seinfeld episode): "Everything is going wrong and I have the perfect storm of things to worry and be unhappy about."

NEW book idea: The Eternal Optimism of Kelly Kreth!

***

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! A slight bone to pick with you. Actually on two points. POINT ONE: You really projected big time on The Young Prisoner's Handbook. Let me try to explain: In our fictional account of a sociopath, terrible---really, terrible--acts were performed, with horrific consequences....BUT nothing like the plot of YPH. [Ed.: We have agreed then when talking about his crimes he will discuss them in terms of a fictional story we have both read about a nameless sociopath...] The young protagonist in YPH apprently uses a slow-acting toxin. My guess---based on your description of the film--would be Thallium (look it up)-- a very nasty piece of work...in our fictional accopunt, the sociopath is very familiar with it, but does not use it, or anything similar. [Thallium is insidious, deadly but very slowly, but also easily detectable if suspected.]

[Ed.: I have to interject here. This fucking fascinates me. He is actually discussing what types of poisin he used! OMG!]

I can so clearly see you watching that film and getting more and more horrified and upset, thinking, "HE was part of this firsthand! OMG!" NO, he wasn't.

Truth or dare: Truth: I asked you about the film because its title and subject, you will agree, are singular and unique. You were kind enough to watch it. There was no ultierior motice. All I wanted to know was what it was about and was it as described a "gleefully black comedy". And based on what you said, this was not a comedy, not evne a dark one. "This was a horror story." Point taken. But, based on your powerful reaction to the film--despite its horror--it sounds like the film had an impact. I had no idea what the film is like, as I have never seen it. So please no projection onto moi!


I've said before your experience with a near-chronic illness if not near-death with John clearly had a devastating impact on your view of such things. You see to have a much less pleasant view of sex/sexuality...not sure why. POINT TWO: No "fixation on sex/sensuality/sexuality at all for me. And trust m e being here has nothing to do with it. It is not my nature, it's human nature, Kelly.

Think of all we have talked about "lo these many letters" -- the percentage of discussions or mentions of sex is miniscule. But even that makes you skittish. I bright up the delightful and endlessly fascinating topic whenever it comes up naturally. Really. You really do blow it way out of proportion thus elevating it beyond any semblance of balance. Pus you don't giveit a chance.

You might notice that I never use the "c" word. A brutal, vicious word not for use by men. My conversations regarding this verboten topic are hardly ever graphic.

Now here is the kicker! In your letter, you write "I wish I could watch all you've done like I watched that movie."

REALLY, KK??? You would watch what amounts to hours and hours of a snuff film without batting an eye, but merely talking ab out an intensely loving and sensual experience or the intimacy of oral sex for a woman when she is with a man she loves or cares for or any other way a man or woman can become part of one another through their bodies and bodily fluids... This you go ballistic over? Not angry, just puzzled.

Of couse in that you are not alone. Films and TV are, full of the most graphic and detailed violence...closeups of GSW to the head/decapitations/the intensely detailed autopsy scenes over and over on Law and Order and CSI...over and over and over... This is all televised and filmed and watched by all ages with nary a peep of protest.

But OH MY GOD! The film Blue Valentine apparently shows something during a love scene, the producers have to fight to prevent an NC-17 rating. But if Gosling had stabbed her 50 times and the camera zoomed in on MIchele Williams' multiple bloody wounds, neck arteries pulsing her life's blood on the floor, closeups of Michele's face...There would be no objections.

Note to Kelly: If it won't cause permanent damage to your psyche (joking my dear :-) ) : When you see Blue Valentine, tell me what allt he fuss is about. Supposedly the Ratings Board relented without forcing any changes. Thank you.

> My final notes (for today) on the subject: To paraphrase you: "Oh Kelly, you don't need to be flattered, but under different circumstances in a galaxy far, far away, we would be exactly what you claim we would not be. With no danger to you from toxins. Once again, you project all you know about me now for some reason cannot see or you refuse to see that would have been at least as likely as not.

And so what? Guess what---most of the Manson girls were quite pertty and sexy as young women. I could have easily been intensely attracted to one of them if we were sutdents in the late 60s and around the same age. Is that good or bad or... No, it just is...

So my dear Kelly, when that subject or any other is appropriate or necessary I won't hesitate or shy away.

And I want to discuss all of those many other things to allow us to know each other deeply. I too say "Trust". Extend your boundaries just a bit and I promise you will never be hurt or uncomfortable. And as with all the other subjects, we will both learn more about each other.

See--no stick in the mud/NO "scolding". I think far too much of you to ever think that of you.
***
More from that particular letter to discuss, but I must get this iin the mail . So let me close with the less controversial subject we both love: MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES.

[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]

Yes, KK, so much more to talk about. Sorry I went on far too long--seems to be my nature. :-) Next letter to follow sooner rather than later. Thinking of you. Again a safe and healthy and warm holiday to you. Write soon. XOXO, Your friend, Michael