Kelly,
I forgot to ask--How's Mini? Is he feeling better? I know how totally attached I became to the two dogs that I raised/trained over 2 years. I cried when we parted, and the thought of Barclay or Dewey being ill hurts my feelings.
Though recently, I haven't cried. Or laughed or felt real emotion. I feel flatlined. I was sure that I must be the most boring person alive, but I seem to entertain others who come in contact with me. I suspect it has more to do with my cynicism and blunt comments or admissions. I am also extremely irritable. Loud or repetitive noises grate on my nerves. Two women spend 2 hours yelling a conversation though a wall vent and made me consider the pros and cons of suicide.
"Excuse me. Excuse me!" I have a public service announcement. while I am well aware that boredom in isolation is like a grizzly bear that will devour you if you sit still too long, and that having conversations with other human being is one way to stave off the beast, it is also an effective means of annoying the shit out of your neighbors. Please be kind and learn how to sign. Thank you."
We have little windows in our doors for the guards to look in on us and we use the sign language alphabet to communicate across the hall to the few people we can see. At least the decent people do. The assholes yell.
You asked what I wear in prison. General population's uniforms are khaki shirts and pants, white shoes. During recreation or the dorm, they are permitted to wear grey sweats, white t-shirts, black shorts. In SHO we wear bright red scrub uniforms, but in our sell we can wear sweats or pajamas. We have a porter who washes our clothes for us. After our shower, we put our laundry in our mesh bag and the guard collect it to be washed and returned. They are always losing my little bootie socks the most. My ass must be really fat because it never eats my panties. I can buy underwear, bras, socks, sweats from commissary or request state-issued underwear, which are all low-quality, don't fit correctly, and either itch or come unraveled after two washes.
I can't believe that you don't know how to drive. That is so weird to me. In Indiana, teenagers dream of turning 16 1/2 so they can drive. Our public transportation system is spotty and not well-funded. Even poor people have cars; a couple of them might be on concrete blocks or have holes rusting through the floor boards but cars are essential here. But we have lots of driveways, parking lots, and open roads. When in Chicago, I took the L-train and buses everywhere. Up there, like in NY, you can do that. People have no idea how much money they spend on their driving. The money you save by not having a car, you pay in ridiculous rent. A $350 per month car payment plus $100/wk in gas, plus plates, tags, insurance, tires, oil changes, car washes, maintenance, and parking at downtown events comes out to probably $900 a month. A one-bedroom apartment in a middle-class neighborhood is only $600/month. A two-bedroom house, $850/month.
Have you accepted a full time job offer?
How are things between you and Bruno?
Lately I've been obsessively creating my future farm. A small market organic farm on 5 acres. I have all sorts of ideas, have done modest research, have visual aides and have created 5 designs so far. The on I am working on now takes up 9 sheets of paper, all drawn to a 1"-10" scale, including a greenhouse, caretaker cottage, chicken coop, barn, bed and breakfast cabin, my residence, and dozens of garden plots, from as little as 20 sq. ft. up to over 4000 sq. ft. each, an arbor, an orchard, and rain ponds to recycle grey water. I have picked out a 1000 sq. ft. sample garden, calculated how many of each plant I can grow, the seed needed, the yield per plant, germination rates, season extensions, on and on... It's sad because I sleep between 16 and 20 hours per day and can't bring myself to do the things I need to do, yet I spend most of those hours awake creating a farm. It's like I am coping with the present by completely avoiding it and living in the future. I avoid mulling over the past because it depresses me even more.
I reread the LIVE that was your friend Frank's email about his exotic vacation. It was telling my father that sometime in like 20 years, I would like to travel around and collect neat stuff and sell it in a store. It could be stuff from my travels like fair-trade embroidered jeans by Guatamalan women or something I really like from Trader Joes like all-natural personal lubricant. It could be my own hand-made gourd birdhouses or wildflower seed-embedded stationary, or local artisan wares. A Korean War Zippo lighter or fresh-baked blackberry cobbler. An Indian sari next to a hand-made quilt. I thought about calling the store Non-Sequitor, but maybe it should be called NEAT STUFF. The store where neat people shop. Anyway---I'm always dreaming.
I hope you are well.
Sarah
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #78
Swelly Kelly!
I TOLD you Bruno like you the first time that you said he had IM'd you at midnight about a movie/book. No good-looking, wealthy man does that without a tingle in his heart or his pants. The good news is that you are still hot and exotic to good looking, wealthy men. The bad news, they are liars and cheaters. What a bummer. However, the very fact that Bruno admitted while sober that he has a crazy crush on you means that you are the center of this thoughts at least an hour out of every day. That has got to feel good. A nice diversion from Amir.
You are such a lucky person Kelly. You win lots of stuff, get exactly what you need when you need it. Plus, you are a great writer who refuses to accept her genius and it's a real shame because you could be happy and successful writing if you could get over your self-criticsm. Congratulations on willing $1600!!! I can't even win on scratch-off lotto tickets.
I do realize that being depressed gives me a reason to view the darker side of life and not feel guilty about it. My usual optimism gets smothered by all of the dark clouds hanging, over my head. So I was finally able to write a good Die! for your blog. :-) So, when you don't have something to post, here's a guest blog. Hope you like it.
I've been up for a total of ninety minutes and I am already tired and want to go back to bed, despite the fact that I have slept 18 of the last 24 hours. I feel pathetic. At least I am grateful that I can sleep.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Sarah
I TOLD you Bruno like you the first time that you said he had IM'd you at midnight about a movie/book. No good-looking, wealthy man does that without a tingle in his heart or his pants. The good news is that you are still hot and exotic to good looking, wealthy men. The bad news, they are liars and cheaters. What a bummer. However, the very fact that Bruno admitted while sober that he has a crazy crush on you means that you are the center of this thoughts at least an hour out of every day. That has got to feel good. A nice diversion from Amir.
You are such a lucky person Kelly. You win lots of stuff, get exactly what you need when you need it. Plus, you are a great writer who refuses to accept her genius and it's a real shame because you could be happy and successful writing if you could get over your self-criticsm. Congratulations on willing $1600!!! I can't even win on scratch-off lotto tickets.
I do realize that being depressed gives me a reason to view the darker side of life and not feel guilty about it. My usual optimism gets smothered by all of the dark clouds hanging, over my head. So I was finally able to write a good Die! for your blog. :-) So, when you don't have something to post, here's a guest blog. Hope you like it.
I've been up for a total of ninety minutes and I am already tired and want to go back to bed, despite the fact that I have slept 18 of the last 24 hours. I feel pathetic. At least I am grateful that I can sleep.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Sarah
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Letters from the Insider, Sarah Pender, #77
Hi Kelly,
YAY! Great couch! I got your blogs tonight and while it sucks giant donkey dick that you lost our on the Craigslist deal, you now have an almost perfect, super cozy, expensive ass, surrogate date to share your Saturday nights with unitl you find the next object of your affections... And I'm glad you found that couch story onilne. :-)
I was thinking about those perfect pieces of clothing that we find and then wear out and lament over their lost perfection when we are forced to replace them... perhaps like your Flex hoarding, you might consider buying a second favorite coat or pants or perfect little black dress and matching perfect shoes. How can you walk in those things?! I thought about when I get out, I'll do the month-long search for the perfect jeans and buy up 3 or 5 pairs to last me a while. I would even go so far as to buy one a size smaller and one a size larger so I always have them available. I don't wear jeans very often so when I do I'd like them to be just right. I'd spend a lot of time looking for a perfect pinstripe suit and a perfect leather coat.
I see all of your neuroses make NYC perfect for you to live and feel free to be yourself. Being surrounded by peope who are left of center creates an atmosphere of self-expression.
It's been raining all day. This doesn't happen very often. Indiana is famous for its ever-changing weather. Even on rainy days it passes, but not today. It makes me want to be under the covers even more than the usual. I had some energy yesterday, enough to stay a wake and create a drawing for a benefit auction in NYC promoting awareness and raising $ for prison issues, particularly opposing isolation units. I was asked to creat a piece after the curator saw my drawing in a zine I write for--Tenacious. The auction is the first week of Dec. I'm hoping to get a link to an online posting of the event.
Now that we've collected the hands, I have to start working on the exhibit and documentation. After that, I'm considering designing a t-shirt to get a few dozen made to sell online--that idea is still in development.
I have several hands that were sent to me here that I need to send to Mom, and then I"m going to see if she will go buy a new color ink cartridge and a ream of paper and print them all out for me. Then again, maybe it would be cheaper to have Kinkos print them out. We will see. I'm excited. One guy wrote me tonight from Belgium and said that he did a painting and then contacted the prison to see if I would be able to receive it. They said no, so he sent it to the PO box for Mom. I've been proud of her for keeping up with things. She doesn't like technology.
Oh man, check this raunchy shit out: yYou know that the whole premise for me being kept in solitary is that I"m a "threat to the safety and security of the faculty" right? When when I first started asking why I was being help longer than others, it was because I escaped and was an escape risk for their faculty, which was going through changes. THen, as one year metled into almost two years, and all the other escape risks were out and about, their reason for keeping me was because I "manipulated an officer into helping me out" and tha tI was a manipulator and their staff was not ready for me to be released. As if I put a gun to Spliter's head and made him fuck me... Anyway, this faculty has been losing male officers recently---3 officers in the past 3 months have been fired for misconduct with prisoners. The two women that were most recently involved were both getting fucked by the officer, and he was sending one woman money and trafficking pills for the othe rone, yet strangely, they are not being punished and held in the SHU for beinga threat to safety because of their "manipulation" of officers. In fact, none of the women involved were labelled threats, whiel I agree that they shouldn't be, beacue there's such a huge imbalance of power between an offers and prisoner that sex is almost always an exploitation of that power. The whole point is that these four/ five women are treated as victims and I'm treated as a threat. They chose food, money and pills... I chose a ride out the back door. The actionms are all the same. So now, there is absolutely no valid excuse for them to keep me in SHU. They are unfuckingbelievable.
And you think the Universe hates you.
I have become semi-addicted to butterscotch candy. It must be the season. It's rich flavor reminds me of Thanksgiving. Toffee is my favorite flavor for morning coffee in the fall. And pumpkin spice. YUM. I think it woudl be fun to spend the weekend making holiday candy with friends. Peanut brittle, toffee, turtles, cinnamon discs, chocolate covered pretzels, yogurt raisins... and then make little gift boxes to give out to neighbors, friends, co-workers, homeless people. Take some to a food pantry. Brighten people's day a bit. Have you don't any of those cooking classes lately?
Why do women outnumber men so drastically in NYC?
Oh, and I was thinking about Amir's problem with monogamy. In Islamic countries where Sharia law is used as a foundation for its public laws, polygamy is legal. So it is literally in his blood to be a polygamist and collect women. You're fighting thousands of years of genetic programming to spread his seed around and thousands of years of social programming to treat women as commodities.
Ok, I'm pooped.
It's still raining.
Guess it doesn't matter since I can't go outside anyway.
Day 1048 in SHU sucks.
Take care, Sarah
YAY! Great couch! I got your blogs tonight and while it sucks giant donkey dick that you lost our on the Craigslist deal, you now have an almost perfect, super cozy, expensive ass, surrogate date to share your Saturday nights with unitl you find the next object of your affections... And I'm glad you found that couch story onilne. :-)
I was thinking about those perfect pieces of clothing that we find and then wear out and lament over their lost perfection when we are forced to replace them... perhaps like your Flex hoarding, you might consider buying a second favorite coat or pants or perfect little black dress and matching perfect shoes. How can you walk in those things?! I thought about when I get out, I'll do the month-long search for the perfect jeans and buy up 3 or 5 pairs to last me a while. I would even go so far as to buy one a size smaller and one a size larger so I always have them available. I don't wear jeans very often so when I do I'd like them to be just right. I'd spend a lot of time looking for a perfect pinstripe suit and a perfect leather coat.
I see all of your neuroses make NYC perfect for you to live and feel free to be yourself. Being surrounded by peope who are left of center creates an atmosphere of self-expression.
It's been raining all day. This doesn't happen very often. Indiana is famous for its ever-changing weather. Even on rainy days it passes, but not today. It makes me want to be under the covers even more than the usual. I had some energy yesterday, enough to stay a wake and create a drawing for a benefit auction in NYC promoting awareness and raising $ for prison issues, particularly opposing isolation units. I was asked to creat a piece after the curator saw my drawing in a zine I write for--Tenacious. The auction is the first week of Dec. I'm hoping to get a link to an online posting of the event.
Now that we've collected the hands, I have to start working on the exhibit and documentation. After that, I'm considering designing a t-shirt to get a few dozen made to sell online--that idea is still in development.
I have several hands that were sent to me here that I need to send to Mom, and then I"m going to see if she will go buy a new color ink cartridge and a ream of paper and print them all out for me. Then again, maybe it would be cheaper to have Kinkos print them out. We will see. I'm excited. One guy wrote me tonight from Belgium and said that he did a painting and then contacted the prison to see if I would be able to receive it. They said no, so he sent it to the PO box for Mom. I've been proud of her for keeping up with things. She doesn't like technology.
Oh man, check this raunchy shit out: yYou know that the whole premise for me being kept in solitary is that I"m a "threat to the safety and security of the faculty" right? When when I first started asking why I was being help longer than others, it was because I escaped and was an escape risk for their faculty, which was going through changes. THen, as one year metled into almost two years, and all the other escape risks were out and about, their reason for keeping me was because I "manipulated an officer into helping me out" and tha tI was a manipulator and their staff was not ready for me to be released. As if I put a gun to Spliter's head and made him fuck me... Anyway, this faculty has been losing male officers recently---3 officers in the past 3 months have been fired for misconduct with prisoners. The two women that were most recently involved were both getting fucked by the officer, and he was sending one woman money and trafficking pills for the othe rone, yet strangely, they are not being punished and held in the SHU for beinga threat to safety because of their "manipulation" of officers. In fact, none of the women involved were labelled threats, whiel I agree that they shouldn't be, beacue there's such a huge imbalance of power between an offers and prisoner that sex is almost always an exploitation of that power. The whole point is that these four/ five women are treated as victims and I'm treated as a threat. They chose food, money and pills... I chose a ride out the back door. The actionms are all the same. So now, there is absolutely no valid excuse for them to keep me in SHU. They are unfuckingbelievable.
And you think the Universe hates you.
I have become semi-addicted to butterscotch candy. It must be the season. It's rich flavor reminds me of Thanksgiving. Toffee is my favorite flavor for morning coffee in the fall. And pumpkin spice. YUM. I think it woudl be fun to spend the weekend making holiday candy with friends. Peanut brittle, toffee, turtles, cinnamon discs, chocolate covered pretzels, yogurt raisins... and then make little gift boxes to give out to neighbors, friends, co-workers, homeless people. Take some to a food pantry. Brighten people's day a bit. Have you don't any of those cooking classes lately?
Why do women outnumber men so drastically in NYC?
Oh, and I was thinking about Amir's problem with monogamy. In Islamic countries where Sharia law is used as a foundation for its public laws, polygamy is legal. So it is literally in his blood to be a polygamist and collect women. You're fighting thousands of years of genetic programming to spread his seed around and thousands of years of social programming to treat women as commodities.
Ok, I'm pooped.
It's still raining.
Guess it doesn't matter since I can't go outside anyway.
Day 1048 in SHU sucks.
Take care, Sarah
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #76
Kelly,
I think the search for the perfect couch was on This American Life. I bet you could go to their website and keyword search for the episode and its follow-up. The show is produced by WBEZ in Chicago with Ira Glass as its host.
Amir just wants to be loved. He needs a whole lot of love and by having multiple partners, he hedges his bets so he'll never be alone. It's in his Persian blood---generations of men with five wives. If he moved to Utah and became a polygamist Mormon, he could have 20 or 30 wives openly.
I'm not sure why the commissioner got fired, but I think it had to do with how he handled several riots/violent incidents in that state system. I finally got the first set of questions answered (25 pages of answers) and 175 pages of supporting documents sent out. I doubt that it will go to trial. The evidence is pretty clear that they are violating my rights and making me mentally ill. I have been struggling with another bout of depression this past 6 weeks, and it only gets worse. I lay in bed for hours, sometimes 14-16 hours a day and can't get out. When I do, I easily tire and get right back in. I have no motivation to do the things that I want or need to do. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a bum. I've only been up for three hours and I'm nearly propping open my eyelids with toothpicks just to write this. I crawled into bed yesterday at 4:30 and didn't get up until 10:30 am today. What's worse is that I only sleep 1/2 the time. The rest I spend daydreaming about my future free life. The sad part is that I have to get out of bed to get things done in order to go home, yet I'm glued to the bed dreaming of home.
Are all of your clothes black, white and red? What if you change your last name so when people Google you that old stuff wouldn't show up? Your employer would know, but wouldn't have to divulge it to customers. Or are you so well known that it would be useless to change your name.
Maybe you should move to Los Angeles.
The UN Reporto n Torture and Abuse said that all members of the UN should stop the use of solitary confinement or at least severely limit its use to 15 days or less because of the long-lasting mental effects. Great! i'll be in therapy until I'm 50. These people are clueless about what it is like to be locked in a room for months without end. They must be. How can you do this to another human being?
I vote you sell the video to TruTV. People should be responsible for their actions in public. She has the right to feel and think whatever she wants about other people, but by openly saying these racist comments to someone on a bus and treating her tenants badly because of their color, she only gets away with it because she has no consequences. If she loses her job and is humiliated, she did it to herself. You aren't doctoring her words or reporting them out of context. she needs to be responsible for being hateful. Selling it to TruTV is doing the world a favor. Racism persists when we cover it up and let it keep happening.
I like reading your blogs.
My flower story is too long to rewrite by hand, but if it wins and gets published, I'll get an extra copy to you. I'm tired. Back under the covers I go...
Sarah
I think the search for the perfect couch was on This American Life. I bet you could go to their website and keyword search for the episode and its follow-up. The show is produced by WBEZ in Chicago with Ira Glass as its host.
Amir just wants to be loved. He needs a whole lot of love and by having multiple partners, he hedges his bets so he'll never be alone. It's in his Persian blood---generations of men with five wives. If he moved to Utah and became a polygamist Mormon, he could have 20 or 30 wives openly.
I'm not sure why the commissioner got fired, but I think it had to do with how he handled several riots/violent incidents in that state system. I finally got the first set of questions answered (25 pages of answers) and 175 pages of supporting documents sent out. I doubt that it will go to trial. The evidence is pretty clear that they are violating my rights and making me mentally ill. I have been struggling with another bout of depression this past 6 weeks, and it only gets worse. I lay in bed for hours, sometimes 14-16 hours a day and can't get out. When I do, I easily tire and get right back in. I have no motivation to do the things that I want or need to do. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a bum. I've only been up for three hours and I'm nearly propping open my eyelids with toothpicks just to write this. I crawled into bed yesterday at 4:30 and didn't get up until 10:30 am today. What's worse is that I only sleep 1/2 the time. The rest I spend daydreaming about my future free life. The sad part is that I have to get out of bed to get things done in order to go home, yet I'm glued to the bed dreaming of home.
Are all of your clothes black, white and red? What if you change your last name so when people Google you that old stuff wouldn't show up? Your employer would know, but wouldn't have to divulge it to customers. Or are you so well known that it would be useless to change your name.
Maybe you should move to Los Angeles.
The UN Reporto n Torture and Abuse said that all members of the UN should stop the use of solitary confinement or at least severely limit its use to 15 days or less because of the long-lasting mental effects. Great! i'll be in therapy until I'm 50. These people are clueless about what it is like to be locked in a room for months without end. They must be. How can you do this to another human being?
I vote you sell the video to TruTV. People should be responsible for their actions in public. She has the right to feel and think whatever she wants about other people, but by openly saying these racist comments to someone on a bus and treating her tenants badly because of their color, she only gets away with it because she has no consequences. If she loses her job and is humiliated, she did it to herself. You aren't doctoring her words or reporting them out of context. she needs to be responsible for being hateful. Selling it to TruTV is doing the world a favor. Racism persists when we cover it up and let it keep happening.
I like reading your blogs.
My flower story is too long to rewrite by hand, but if it wins and gets published, I'll get an extra copy to you. I'm tired. Back under the covers I go...
Sarah
Friday, October 21, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #75
Kelly,
Your letter cheered me. The flashy paper...(holographic?) is colorful and pretty, like megaglitter, and makes me happy. I want to recycle it into something cool. Maybe I will crease and fold it into a a cube and use salvaged tape to close it around a bunch of elbow macaroni and it can be a paperweight!
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yay! Amanda Knox was fired! I'm next!
I always enjoy You Might As Well... and today, I have a LIVE!
The day I escaped happened to be the first day our new Commissioner took office. Following the media circus and official misconduct/sex scandal, the national women hunt, etc. - they found me working an office job in a wealthy Jewish community, living in a quiet neighborhood with my pet fish, sober and crime-free. Instead of in a court of law, he got his revenge by locking me in solitary confinement and causing me to have a psychotic break.
Over 1000 days later, I am still in solitary, which suckis, but the Universe has a great sense of humor. Nine months ago, the Commissioner left Indiana to work for Florida DOC. Six months ago, I filed a civil lawsuit naming him as one of the defendants. And now, guess who just found himself involuntarily unemployed? Karma, ladies and gents. Karma.
I want to get dressed u and be escorted somewhere wonderful by a woman or man in a tuxedo. How fun and romantic! Have you ever thought that being smart and pretty makes it harder to meet men because they are intimidated by you? or if it's just NYC, have you thought of traveling to Maine to get a date? Or NJ? Fly out here to the Midwest and within a week, you'd have a half-dozen marriage proposals. have you and your new friend considered joining a sports club? or taking a co-ed class? Or going to Wall St? Have you been down there to see the Occupy movement? You could make a picket sign protesting the unfair advantage men have in the NYC dating scene. Maybe you could start an affirmative action program.
I don't understand why you can't get a real full-time job just because you were fired six years ago. I mean, you got fired for blogging, right? It's not like you smuggled a hundred kilos of coke across the border or maimed a 92 yr. old man for $6. I have a friend who was in prison for five years for presciption pills and is now an RN and head of a hospice unit in a nursing home. Have you ever considered ghost writing? Or doing PR for art galleries? Or doing a restaurant review blog? With your wit and writing style, you could do something unique. Instead of snooty food reviewers, you have a middle class palate and review everything from hotel lounge bars to KFC to hose places you go to try and meet people to foo foo spots. You could do party reviews. Review those posh events you go to. People would invite you to get a review. You'd become a NYC socialite.
Why can't you cancel your $3K couch and order from IKEA dammit? I heard a story on This American LIfe with Ira Glass on NPR out of Chicago, about a guy who was OBSESSED with finding the perfect couch for years. I think he strained a few relationships because of it. Ater the story aired, he found one and committed to it--he said that is was not the perfect couch. The euphoria was all in the chase. You can listen HERE.
I never tlaked seriously to I Almost Got Away With It. Just doesn't feel right at the moment in my life. It also feels like since it doesn't benefit me or my family, I'd be getting exploited. And since I don't care about fame or negative attn. it's one opportunity that doesn't feel worth it.
When I am released from prison I will likely stay here in Indiana for a while to finish any parole or to help my mom out. She moved here to support me, so I want to return the love. I don't think that I will have a hard time finding work. I've always been lucky and I know people who would hire me for office work, accounting, drafting, or who knows? I want to help her pay off her place early so she'll hae that extra money when I leave. I want to help do some light remodeling like cabinets, better insulation, green technology, and plant her a small garden in a rasied bed so she doesn't have to bend over. (She has a messed up spine.) While I do these things, I'll work on establishing some credit. After 11 years in prison, my history is blank. No good. No bad. I'll also be buying a new life's worth of stuff. I'll explore what activist opportunities are locally available, start attending political functions. See what hte Universe opens up for me.
I'll probably spend solme time inh Washington with my father, visit a few friends in California, and see my sister in FL. I have two friends in NYC I'd go see and would love to challenge you to a game of Scrabble after dinner and booze. My wife, ex-g/f and best friend are all here in Indiana so unless a specific opportunity opens up abroad, I'll probably stay put here for a few years. I also have close friends in Missouri and Tennesee that I'd visit for at least a long weekend. I sure wouldn't mind buying some land in the TN mts and working virtually for a company part time and doing some eco-farming or running a bed and breakfast/commune/co-op somewhere. I dont' know. Whatever opens up for me, really. I'm up for an adventure. If I don't like it I can try something else.
I might get my Master's and get overpaid to work for some local business or get a paralegal degree and work for a law firm. Anything is possible.
After all of the crazy shit you and Amir have been through you are just now getting around to officially breaking up? I mean, I thought you already told him to go to hell months ago.
Your last name should be removed by now from the site. I was on the phone with mom and she looked up where it was when we talked. I think there are over 200 hands and we have two weeks left. I hope for at least 220 hands--twice my sentence. Plus, that will make a nice exhibit.
I entered a local (Indiana) annual writing contest this week. It was for poetry, short story (fiction) or essay. I submitted a short story about a daisy named Luben and his growing pains. His best and only friend is a caterpillar named Wooly. The other characters are a lilac bush, a tulip, Mina and Peony in the garden of the Thompsons. Oh and Larry the plastic lawn frog.
I think that i'm going to order some graham crackers and marshmallows and Hershey's to make cold Smores next week. I suppose I could put them in a baggie and stuff them in my bra until the chocolate melts...
Be well!
--Sarah
Your letter cheered me. The flashy paper...(holographic?) is colorful and pretty, like megaglitter, and makes me happy. I want to recycle it into something cool. Maybe I will crease and fold it into a a cube and use salvaged tape to close it around a bunch of elbow macaroni and it can be a paperweight!
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yay! Amanda Knox was fired! I'm next!
I always enjoy You Might As Well... and today, I have a LIVE!
The day I escaped happened to be the first day our new Commissioner took office. Following the media circus and official misconduct/sex scandal, the national women hunt, etc. - they found me working an office job in a wealthy Jewish community, living in a quiet neighborhood with my pet fish, sober and crime-free. Instead of in a court of law, he got his revenge by locking me in solitary confinement and causing me to have a psychotic break.
Over 1000 days later, I am still in solitary, which suckis, but the Universe has a great sense of humor. Nine months ago, the Commissioner left Indiana to work for Florida DOC. Six months ago, I filed a civil lawsuit naming him as one of the defendants. And now, guess who just found himself involuntarily unemployed? Karma, ladies and gents. Karma.
I want to get dressed u and be escorted somewhere wonderful by a woman or man in a tuxedo. How fun and romantic! Have you ever thought that being smart and pretty makes it harder to meet men because they are intimidated by you? or if it's just NYC, have you thought of traveling to Maine to get a date? Or NJ? Fly out here to the Midwest and within a week, you'd have a half-dozen marriage proposals. have you and your new friend considered joining a sports club? or taking a co-ed class? Or going to Wall St? Have you been down there to see the Occupy movement? You could make a picket sign protesting the unfair advantage men have in the NYC dating scene. Maybe you could start an affirmative action program.
I don't understand why you can't get a real full-time job just because you were fired six years ago. I mean, you got fired for blogging, right? It's not like you smuggled a hundred kilos of coke across the border or maimed a 92 yr. old man for $6. I have a friend who was in prison for five years for presciption pills and is now an RN and head of a hospice unit in a nursing home. Have you ever considered ghost writing? Or doing PR for art galleries? Or doing a restaurant review blog? With your wit and writing style, you could do something unique. Instead of snooty food reviewers, you have a middle class palate and review everything from hotel lounge bars to KFC to hose places you go to try and meet people to foo foo spots. You could do party reviews. Review those posh events you go to. People would invite you to get a review. You'd become a NYC socialite.
Why can't you cancel your $3K couch and order from IKEA dammit? I heard a story on This American LIfe with Ira Glass on NPR out of Chicago, about a guy who was OBSESSED with finding the perfect couch for years. I think he strained a few relationships because of it. Ater the story aired, he found one and committed to it--he said that is was not the perfect couch. The euphoria was all in the chase. You can listen HERE.
I never tlaked seriously to I Almost Got Away With It. Just doesn't feel right at the moment in my life. It also feels like since it doesn't benefit me or my family, I'd be getting exploited. And since I don't care about fame or negative attn. it's one opportunity that doesn't feel worth it.
When I am released from prison I will likely stay here in Indiana for a while to finish any parole or to help my mom out. She moved here to support me, so I want to return the love. I don't think that I will have a hard time finding work. I've always been lucky and I know people who would hire me for office work, accounting, drafting, or who knows? I want to help her pay off her place early so she'll hae that extra money when I leave. I want to help do some light remodeling like cabinets, better insulation, green technology, and plant her a small garden in a rasied bed so she doesn't have to bend over. (She has a messed up spine.) While I do these things, I'll work on establishing some credit. After 11 years in prison, my history is blank. No good. No bad. I'll also be buying a new life's worth of stuff. I'll explore what activist opportunities are locally available, start attending political functions. See what hte Universe opens up for me.
I'll probably spend solme time inh Washington with my father, visit a few friends in California, and see my sister in FL. I have two friends in NYC I'd go see and would love to challenge you to a game of Scrabble after dinner and booze. My wife, ex-g/f and best friend are all here in Indiana so unless a specific opportunity opens up abroad, I'll probably stay put here for a few years. I also have close friends in Missouri and Tennesee that I'd visit for at least a long weekend. I sure wouldn't mind buying some land in the TN mts and working virtually for a company part time and doing some eco-farming or running a bed and breakfast/commune/co-op somewhere. I dont' know. Whatever opens up for me, really. I'm up for an adventure. If I don't like it I can try something else.
I might get my Master's and get overpaid to work for some local business or get a paralegal degree and work for a law firm. Anything is possible.
After all of the crazy shit you and Amir have been through you are just now getting around to officially breaking up? I mean, I thought you already told him to go to hell months ago.
Your last name should be removed by now from the site. I was on the phone with mom and she looked up where it was when we talked. I think there are over 200 hands and we have two weeks left. I hope for at least 220 hands--twice my sentence. Plus, that will make a nice exhibit.
I entered a local (Indiana) annual writing contest this week. It was for poetry, short story (fiction) or essay. I submitted a short story about a daisy named Luben and his growing pains. His best and only friend is a caterpillar named Wooly. The other characters are a lilac bush, a tulip, Mina and Peony in the garden of the Thompsons. Oh and Larry the plastic lawn frog.
I think that i'm going to order some graham crackers and marshmallows and Hershey's to make cold Smores next week. I suppose I could put them in a baggie and stuff them in my bra until the chocolate melts...
Be well!
--Sarah
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #74
Kelly Belly,
If I were free I would do two things for you send you a little box of Jelly Bellies and volunteer myself and a semi-attractive Italian man to haul your new couch up so you could have whatever couch you wanted, delivery option or not.
I think the ones with spindly legs would work better in your apt. aesthetically, but seems like a lot of hassle when the big black bulky one meets off of your needs. Have you thought about saving yourself the hassle and just getting new cushions for the one you already have?
I don't even have words for the Amir story. It's just WOW! Remember when you asked about what people would suggest you do to "burn the fucking house down" in order to get rid of Amir? I think you figured it out. Not that you intended her to extort him, but you get your intended painful infliction of woes unto him and it does seem to have kept you from poisoning yourself further with Amirion. I'm sure the withdrawal sucks and you, like so many of us, want a hand to hold and cute emails in your box, but at least you have swank parties and art museums. I'm lonely, live in a bathroom, and am collecting cobwebs.
Great party photos, by the way.
Yay! For the tree that survived 911! We love trees. The waterfall memorial is pretty. Water is life. We don't value either one enough.
Sometimes I am able to catch cooking shows on the public TV channel and there's one called America's Test Kitchen where they make wonderful stuff and explain why each thing works the way it does (food gastronomy or whatever) and they made a souffle that looked fabulous. I am hungry.
NO STABBING THE SOUFFLE!!
You will miss Reidtard when he's gone. Admit it. Just a little You need a Scrabble partner who doesn't cheat and a boyfriend who doesn't cheat and a girl fried who isn't a cunt. Maybe that's the next Big Three.
I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES! I also want to perfect a peanut butter pie recipe for my friend so when he opens his restaurant, he will sell Pender's Peanut Butter Pie. Not PB Cream Pie. That's lighter. This is so rich and heavy, it's like eating a slice of Newt Gringrich. Only without the bad aftertaste.
Just exactly what kind of fun do you have at a creepy party with drunk douchebags? Rent a Netflix, make some yummy Amaretto/chocolate/PB ice cream drink, and curl up on your new couch with MINI. Maybe you should take a vacation to Maine. Don't they have nice men in Maine? Or there's lots of good ol' monogamous country boys lost out here in the cornfield of the Midwest. I'm just saying.
All of the interviews for Snapped went really well. We talked a lot about the events that lead up to the crimes, which included a lot about my relationship to men in my life. I went into the ordeal just wanting to be transparent, so I answered openly and honestly. It was freeing because I recalled how I felt about Rick without feeling like I had to villify him because of what he later did. To them and to me. At the time, I was face-busted fallen in love, but I realize that I, like many women, fell in love with an image of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be.
He had been captain of the football team in high school and had a scholarship to play at NY Syracuse. He'd been a wrestling champion and had aspirations of going professional. He had great manners with my parents, could be sensitive and sweet, put the toilet seat down, and allowed himself to cry in front of me twice. He laughed a lot of was good to his mom and sister. I already had us in a 2 bedroom ranch home in the suburbs with a fenced yard and dog and cookouts with neighbors and family over at holidays.
In my mind if I just loved him enough nagged him a little a gave him all he wanted, he'd want those things too. And it was working, I thought.
Hey! George Wright escaped from prison 40 years ago after a murder conviction and was found in Algeria this week. Just heard it NPR.
Anyway, so being able to speak openly made it issues to talk about why I made the choices I did around his crimes. The sound man later told my mother that I was one of the most personable, straightforward, and believable people he's ever seen interviewed. And for the first time, he believes someone was wrongfully convicted. It also helps that when they interviewed my co-defendant, the producer told me that he openly admitted that he was the person who shot the victims, that I had nothing to do with it, that I never once manipulated him in our relationship and the only things I asked for him to do was to stop selling drugs, get a real job and settle down with me.
My mom, sister Jeni, Jamie her husband, Larry, Kim, Pam and Bridgette all interviewed on my behalf and everyone said it went very well. The producer and crew were impressed with how much they loved and supported me. After all of the interviews, I was last. The producer said she left the prison and immediately called her editor and said, "I've got the story of your dreams."
It's supposed to air in January.
I got your letter late---there are no Kelly shout-outs. Maybe next interview. You are so funny.
I need to lose some weight so I am thinking about getting dehydrated vegetables for snacks. They sell the kind you boil to put in soups or whatever, but I like to eat them one by one with my front teeth. I used to use sunflower kernals but at 500 calories a bag, it sucked. I am over this anxiety that makes me want to chew. I gnaw my lip and my cuticles. It's ridiculous. It's this ROOM.
But I am not even whining. I just am happy that we are getting more awareness out there about my case. Once I find a lab that runs this software and can prove that I was convicted on false evidence, I'll get my convictions overturned and no jury would convict me on the real evidence. I'll finally get what I deserve and go home. Remember the anagram? PARDONS HER. That's right. The judge will do what amounts to a pardon. December 2013. The Universe told me so.
That's a reason to LIVE for sure!
Love songs make me thing of the days of my youth. What I wouldn't give to be 20 again, waking up to David gently humping my thigh at 2am. Or even 18 again in the all-girl dormitory at Purdue. I'd sure like ti all back to do over. I picture myself working a mile underground in a big particle accelerator, not writing hundreds of letters each year, stuck in a bathroom, eating bad food, plagued by mental illness, and under a sentence for crimes I didn't commit. WTF? This better do some real, serious good in the world to be worth all this bullshit. I want to make a positive difference to rival NLK Jr or something. I want a large cheese and pineapple pizza, too. And garlic butter for the pizza bones. I want a deep tub full of hot,milky water. I want a pet fish. A whole tank of them. And a job I love. And an MP3 player full of music I like. Iw ant to walk barefoot in the grass and feed the ducks. I want to smell apple wood burn in the fireplace. I want to plant mums by the front porch and make a wreath for the door. I want to eat fried biscuits and apple butter. I want someone I love to fix me biscuits and gravy Saturday morning and rub my feet. I want to experience the Third Entity again.
Take care,
Sarah
If I were free I would do two things for you send you a little box of Jelly Bellies and volunteer myself and a semi-attractive Italian man to haul your new couch up so you could have whatever couch you wanted, delivery option or not.
I think the ones with spindly legs would work better in your apt. aesthetically, but seems like a lot of hassle when the big black bulky one meets off of your needs. Have you thought about saving yourself the hassle and just getting new cushions for the one you already have?
I don't even have words for the Amir story. It's just WOW! Remember when you asked about what people would suggest you do to "burn the fucking house down" in order to get rid of Amir? I think you figured it out. Not that you intended her to extort him, but you get your intended painful infliction of woes unto him and it does seem to have kept you from poisoning yourself further with Amirion. I'm sure the withdrawal sucks and you, like so many of us, want a hand to hold and cute emails in your box, but at least you have swank parties and art museums. I'm lonely, live in a bathroom, and am collecting cobwebs.
Great party photos, by the way.
Yay! For the tree that survived 911! We love trees. The waterfall memorial is pretty. Water is life. We don't value either one enough.
Sometimes I am able to catch cooking shows on the public TV channel and there's one called America's Test Kitchen where they make wonderful stuff and explain why each thing works the way it does (food gastronomy or whatever) and they made a souffle that looked fabulous. I am hungry.
NO STABBING THE SOUFFLE!!
You will miss Reidtard when he's gone. Admit it. Just a little You need a Scrabble partner who doesn't cheat and a boyfriend who doesn't cheat and a girl fried who isn't a cunt. Maybe that's the next Big Three.
I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES! I also want to perfect a peanut butter pie recipe for my friend so when he opens his restaurant, he will sell Pender's Peanut Butter Pie. Not PB Cream Pie. That's lighter. This is so rich and heavy, it's like eating a slice of Newt Gringrich. Only without the bad aftertaste.
Just exactly what kind of fun do you have at a creepy party with drunk douchebags? Rent a Netflix, make some yummy Amaretto/chocolate/PB ice cream drink, and curl up on your new couch with MINI. Maybe you should take a vacation to Maine. Don't they have nice men in Maine? Or there's lots of good ol' monogamous country boys lost out here in the cornfield of the Midwest. I'm just saying.
All of the interviews for Snapped went really well. We talked a lot about the events that lead up to the crimes, which included a lot about my relationship to men in my life. I went into the ordeal just wanting to be transparent, so I answered openly and honestly. It was freeing because I recalled how I felt about Rick without feeling like I had to villify him because of what he later did. To them and to me. At the time, I was face-busted fallen in love, but I realize that I, like many women, fell in love with an image of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be.
He had been captain of the football team in high school and had a scholarship to play at NY Syracuse. He'd been a wrestling champion and had aspirations of going professional. He had great manners with my parents, could be sensitive and sweet, put the toilet seat down, and allowed himself to cry in front of me twice. He laughed a lot of was good to his mom and sister. I already had us in a 2 bedroom ranch home in the suburbs with a fenced yard and dog and cookouts with neighbors and family over at holidays.
In my mind if I just loved him enough nagged him a little a gave him all he wanted, he'd want those things too. And it was working, I thought.
Hey! George Wright escaped from prison 40 years ago after a murder conviction and was found in Algeria this week. Just heard it NPR.
Anyway, so being able to speak openly made it issues to talk about why I made the choices I did around his crimes. The sound man later told my mother that I was one of the most personable, straightforward, and believable people he's ever seen interviewed. And for the first time, he believes someone was wrongfully convicted. It also helps that when they interviewed my co-defendant, the producer told me that he openly admitted that he was the person who shot the victims, that I had nothing to do with it, that I never once manipulated him in our relationship and the only things I asked for him to do was to stop selling drugs, get a real job and settle down with me.
My mom, sister Jeni, Jamie her husband, Larry, Kim, Pam and Bridgette all interviewed on my behalf and everyone said it went very well. The producer and crew were impressed with how much they loved and supported me. After all of the interviews, I was last. The producer said she left the prison and immediately called her editor and said, "I've got the story of your dreams."
It's supposed to air in January.
I got your letter late---there are no Kelly shout-outs. Maybe next interview. You are so funny.
I need to lose some weight so I am thinking about getting dehydrated vegetables for snacks. They sell the kind you boil to put in soups or whatever, but I like to eat them one by one with my front teeth. I used to use sunflower kernals but at 500 calories a bag, it sucked. I am over this anxiety that makes me want to chew. I gnaw my lip and my cuticles. It's ridiculous. It's this ROOM.
But I am not even whining. I just am happy that we are getting more awareness out there about my case. Once I find a lab that runs this software and can prove that I was convicted on false evidence, I'll get my convictions overturned and no jury would convict me on the real evidence. I'll finally get what I deserve and go home. Remember the anagram? PARDONS HER. That's right. The judge will do what amounts to a pardon. December 2013. The Universe told me so.
That's a reason to LIVE for sure!
Love songs make me thing of the days of my youth. What I wouldn't give to be 20 again, waking up to David gently humping my thigh at 2am. Or even 18 again in the all-girl dormitory at Purdue. I'd sure like ti all back to do over. I picture myself working a mile underground in a big particle accelerator, not writing hundreds of letters each year, stuck in a bathroom, eating bad food, plagued by mental illness, and under a sentence for crimes I didn't commit. WTF? This better do some real, serious good in the world to be worth all this bullshit. I want to make a positive difference to rival NLK Jr or something. I want a large cheese and pineapple pizza, too. And garlic butter for the pizza bones. I want a deep tub full of hot,milky water. I want a pet fish. A whole tank of them. And a job I love. And an MP3 player full of music I like. Iw ant to walk barefoot in the grass and feed the ducks. I want to smell apple wood burn in the fireplace. I want to plant mums by the front porch and make a wreath for the door. I want to eat fried biscuits and apple butter. I want someone I love to fix me biscuits and gravy Saturday morning and rub my feet. I want to experience the Third Entity again.
Take care,
Sarah
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #73
Dear Kel,
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #70-72
Kelly,
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Monday, August 8, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #69
Kelly,
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #68
Kelly,
It's just past 10pm and I am so tired. Been up since 6:30am and been going, going, going. I got a lot done today and one of those things was to conjure up some good ideas. First, I've been pulling out sections of transcripts and documents that will soon get posted on teh web that totally make my case of injustic and prove that Sells is a charlatan, Miller is a liar, and Harmon is a criminal. Also, ti really vindicates me, which I like. While I was going through it, I thought about what other benefits can be had f rom this?
Two things popped up. One, was to get back to writing my memoir and when I did I read my own words with surprise and certain awe. When I am inspired, I write beautifully, and sometimes I can be really funny. I guess it had been so long that I forgot. Maybe if I get back to writing, you'll think more seriously about working on yours. Then, I thought about how you like to read and wondered if you had considered writing book reviews? I did not realize how many people publish book reviews and how important those are to book sales. Then I thought about how I could benefit from your literary and writing interests.
First, I'd like you to write a review on Amazon if that's where you bought the book from. You'd write a good enough one for them to publish and I really look forward to your take on the misogynistic author's portrayal of the people and events. I already know that you won't be duped by the mechanisms used to further their agenda, like framing, lying by omission, wordplay and conjecture. From what I am told, he makes anyone who supports or likes me look like idiots. I promise you, some people I know may not take home a Nobel, but I'd rather have them for friends than those weaselly chumps who have exploited us all. If he was framed for murder, his friends might help pay for a good lawyer, but when that failed you can bet they wouldn't risk themselves to help him escape.
Anyway, regardless of what you think, whether positive or negative I would like someone who I trust to be rather informed and objective to review and point out their self-advertising crap.
Then, I thought about those interviews you write up on real estate. Do you want to do one with me? I, of course, have my own agenda, to get factual information out there in an unbiased avenue, and was wondering if there was anything you wanted to promote about yourself, because if you posted the interview on your blog, I'd link it to my Wikipedia page that has gotten almos 1200 hits in the last 30 days. It's not longor complcated, so the link would stand ou tand be a good continuation of the facts already laid out. It would help me, and anyone who would visit your blog would read some of your other entries and several would become followers. Simply put, you are interesting and write good shit.
Let me know what you think. Oh and when I finally finish my memoir, I'd send you an advance copy and ask you to write a review, and I'll quote part of it on the inside cover page. So far, I have you and three other people who are authors who I'd ask to review mine...funny, I haven't even finished it yet but I am thinking ahead. But right now, I need to be actively combating this negative portrayal of me and get more positive press. I've been doing lots of art projects, so I guess some of those are starting to pop up when going Google searches.
Have you looked at the Hands website lately?
www.holdinghandsforsocialjustice.blogspot.com I forgot to ask Mom how many hands we have so far. Check it out when you get a chance. And don't forget to do a hand! Or else your outline will be all alone and puny.
I'm about to fall over. Can't wait to hear about the Hamptons.
***
I was going through more of m y memoir notes just now. A couple of people told me that there's lot of deatils about my sex life in that book. I don't know, most of it is probably true though from the excepts that I have read, Miller changes the entire context of a relationship with adjectives and adverbs. I know from some of the articles, they describe Tom as a sex-addict, but that's not true. Sex addiction is real but it is rare. True sex addicts must have it just to get thru the day, just like heroin, and they no longer enjoy sex. If a person really, really likes sex they are not a sex addict. However, Tom was an aficionado of women. Really, it was m ore like an obsession with women that stemmed from a psychological relationship with his mother.
I'll write here some of my first draft material regarding Tom and me, so that you can get a good idea about one facet of our relationship. Basically, I was his mistress and we had an agreement not quite as strict as a business contract, but it was a relationship where my freedom of choice was an illusion. I did what I had to do or else Tom might get bored and walk away or worse, turn me in. Telling him no was something I could not do often, only in severe cases and even then I had to manuever those carefully.
I believe Tom's obsession with sex had more to do with hatred of women rather than a love for them. Where he was ever-inferior to his mother, he could claim his superiority to women. By the age of 53 he could claim he had slept with hundreds. I don't doubt his estimates. Either thru business or durin ghis excursions with like-minded male chauvenist friends he'd meet women he could quickly woo into a hotel bed without having a forwarding address. Others he simply paid.
I have caught glimpes of Tom in wooing action, watching him use his wit and charm and bedroom eyes to treat women like cattle. He'd go dick-swinging into a strip club, size up the flesh he wanted and then find her price tag. I hae seen that fixed stare once he looked into his prey, salivating himself into dehydration before going in for the kill.
Comparatively I was a bargain. But beingwith me was not enough for Tom. He always wanted something more, newer, better. Sometimes pornography sated his desires, so we invested in a handful of films. I think they fed his tally of dominating women even if on-screen. While he, of course, picked Big Boobed Blondes and Super Cum Shots, I chose gay porn. Girl on girl. Guy on guy.
I stacked the DVD cases on top. "Tom, we get a fifth one free. What kind do you want?"
"Fisting."
My eyes tear away from the elephant-sized black cock and settled on Tom. "Do not, for even one second, think that's going to happen."
His middle finger stood up.
I smiled.
He put up two fingers and raised his brows.
"Exactly," I said.
He added a third.
"Maybe."
And a fourth.
My eyes rolled away from him and back to the big butts. I snapped up a plastic case and Tom asked, "Is that what your prison bitch looked like??
I pointed to another photo and said, "No, more like her."
He scoffed. "You are such a fucking dyke."
"Yeah. So that means you are lucky that I suck on your geriatric nutsack."
***
Side by side we laid on a sagging bed in another non-descript motel room, watching John Walsh's dramatic re-enactment of my so-called crime and escape. Fragmented "facts" painted a Picassoesque picture of blurry lines and illogical placements. I kept quiet except for an occassional "Oh, please!" as they showed US Marshalls doggedly chasing after me. Yet remaining one step behind me as I changed my hair color and style to elude them, slipping out of a safehouse at 3am as they banged down the front door with a search warrant, leaving a trace of my perfurm to taunt them with their inadequacy.
I used to get worked oup about the court and media's constant manipulation of "facts" and generation of "evidence", but at some point I had to stop allowing their stories to dictate my emotions. They aren't real. Just because you say that the sky is green does not make it so, and at what point do I stop defending its blueness and let the absurdity go?
Tom clicked the remote and the TV went black. "Well, what do you think?"
I exhaled sharply. "Well..." I bit m y lower lip in concentration. "I think they could have hired a much prettier girl to play me."
"Come on Ashley, be serious."
"About what, Tom? It's obvious that these peole dont' have a clue. They are chasing a ghost. It's only fegitting because the Sarah Pender they are after is a storybook version of who I am!"
He loudly shushed m e and truned his eyes towards the wall behind us. "Don't talk so loud."
After the AMW episode Tom felt that I needed to yet again cut my hair (it was already well above my shoulders) and dye it blonde.
"It's the only color they didn't morph you into." HIs hand hovered just above his bald spot. "And super short, like a dyke."
I didn't understand why he called me a dyke to insult me and then systematically asked me to become one. Gain weight. Short hair. Layered, non-revealing clothes. I wasn't sure if his goal was to make me unattractive to other men or to have me play out the role for his own egotisitical purposes. What greater conquest than to dominate a dyke?
Of course the next day I granted his wish.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I wanted to share some of our interactions and some of my first draft writing taken from about five little blurbs I had writtten when randomly inspired. Of course, there are loving interactions between us, intellectually stimulating conversation and so on. But I wanted to know, after you read the book, what do you think about the writing style and characterization of Tom in mine versus the book and just in general what you think about my writing. Remember this is first draft stuff. I know it is not a long excerpt but I get tried of writing hours with a dull pencil.
Most of the material i have written goes into depth about what has shaped me into who I am, reveals motivations behind different characters' actions and has vivid dialogue, botgh serious and fun. I try not to be sexusally explicit but because our relationship was rooted in sex, I have to breach the subject. I could write a book called, "Sexploited," but prefer not t use sex to sell my story of injustice.
I'll close here. Write soon.
--Sarah
It's just past 10pm and I am so tired. Been up since 6:30am and been going, going, going. I got a lot done today and one of those things was to conjure up some good ideas. First, I've been pulling out sections of transcripts and documents that will soon get posted on teh web that totally make my case of injustic and prove that Sells is a charlatan, Miller is a liar, and Harmon is a criminal. Also, ti really vindicates me, which I like. While I was going through it, I thought about what other benefits can be had f rom this?
Two things popped up. One, was to get back to writing my memoir and when I did I read my own words with surprise and certain awe. When I am inspired, I write beautifully, and sometimes I can be really funny. I guess it had been so long that I forgot. Maybe if I get back to writing, you'll think more seriously about working on yours. Then, I thought about how you like to read and wondered if you had considered writing book reviews? I did not realize how many people publish book reviews and how important those are to book sales. Then I thought about how I could benefit from your literary and writing interests.
First, I'd like you to write a review on Amazon if that's where you bought the book from. You'd write a good enough one for them to publish and I really look forward to your take on the misogynistic author's portrayal of the people and events. I already know that you won't be duped by the mechanisms used to further their agenda, like framing, lying by omission, wordplay and conjecture. From what I am told, he makes anyone who supports or likes me look like idiots. I promise you, some people I know may not take home a Nobel, but I'd rather have them for friends than those weaselly chumps who have exploited us all. If he was framed for murder, his friends might help pay for a good lawyer, but when that failed you can bet they wouldn't risk themselves to help him escape.
Anyway, regardless of what you think, whether positive or negative I would like someone who I trust to be rather informed and objective to review and point out their self-advertising crap.
Then, I thought about those interviews you write up on real estate. Do you want to do one with me? I, of course, have my own agenda, to get factual information out there in an unbiased avenue, and was wondering if there was anything you wanted to promote about yourself, because if you posted the interview on your blog, I'd link it to my Wikipedia page that has gotten almos 1200 hits in the last 30 days. It's not longor complcated, so the link would stand ou tand be a good continuation of the facts already laid out. It would help me, and anyone who would visit your blog would read some of your other entries and several would become followers. Simply put, you are interesting and write good shit.
Let me know what you think. Oh and when I finally finish my memoir, I'd send you an advance copy and ask you to write a review, and I'll quote part of it on the inside cover page. So far, I have you and three other people who are authors who I'd ask to review mine...funny, I haven't even finished it yet but I am thinking ahead. But right now, I need to be actively combating this negative portrayal of me and get more positive press. I've been doing lots of art projects, so I guess some of those are starting to pop up when going Google searches.
Have you looked at the Hands website lately?
www.holdinghandsforsocialjustice.blogspot.com I forgot to ask Mom how many hands we have so far. Check it out when you get a chance. And don't forget to do a hand! Or else your outline will be all alone and puny.
I'm about to fall over. Can't wait to hear about the Hamptons.
***
I was going through more of m y memoir notes just now. A couple of people told me that there's lot of deatils about my sex life in that book. I don't know, most of it is probably true though from the excepts that I have read, Miller changes the entire context of a relationship with adjectives and adverbs. I know from some of the articles, they describe Tom as a sex-addict, but that's not true. Sex addiction is real but it is rare. True sex addicts must have it just to get thru the day, just like heroin, and they no longer enjoy sex. If a person really, really likes sex they are not a sex addict. However, Tom was an aficionado of women. Really, it was m ore like an obsession with women that stemmed from a psychological relationship with his mother.
I'll write here some of my first draft material regarding Tom and me, so that you can get a good idea about one facet of our relationship. Basically, I was his mistress and we had an agreement not quite as strict as a business contract, but it was a relationship where my freedom of choice was an illusion. I did what I had to do or else Tom might get bored and walk away or worse, turn me in. Telling him no was something I could not do often, only in severe cases and even then I had to manuever those carefully.
I believe Tom's obsession with sex had more to do with hatred of women rather than a love for them. Where he was ever-inferior to his mother, he could claim his superiority to women. By the age of 53 he could claim he had slept with hundreds. I don't doubt his estimates. Either thru business or durin ghis excursions with like-minded male chauvenist friends he'd meet women he could quickly woo into a hotel bed without having a forwarding address. Others he simply paid.
I have caught glimpes of Tom in wooing action, watching him use his wit and charm and bedroom eyes to treat women like cattle. He'd go dick-swinging into a strip club, size up the flesh he wanted and then find her price tag. I hae seen that fixed stare once he looked into his prey, salivating himself into dehydration before going in for the kill.
Comparatively I was a bargain. But beingwith me was not enough for Tom. He always wanted something more, newer, better. Sometimes pornography sated his desires, so we invested in a handful of films. I think they fed his tally of dominating women even if on-screen. While he, of course, picked Big Boobed Blondes and Super Cum Shots, I chose gay porn. Girl on girl. Guy on guy.
I stacked the DVD cases on top. "Tom, we get a fifth one free. What kind do you want?"
"Fisting."
My eyes tear away from the elephant-sized black cock and settled on Tom. "Do not, for even one second, think that's going to happen."
His middle finger stood up.
I smiled.
He put up two fingers and raised his brows.
"Exactly," I said.
He added a third.
"Maybe."
And a fourth.
My eyes rolled away from him and back to the big butts. I snapped up a plastic case and Tom asked, "Is that what your prison bitch looked like??
I pointed to another photo and said, "No, more like her."
He scoffed. "You are such a fucking dyke."
"Yeah. So that means you are lucky that I suck on your geriatric nutsack."
***
Side by side we laid on a sagging bed in another non-descript motel room, watching John Walsh's dramatic re-enactment of my so-called crime and escape. Fragmented "facts" painted a Picassoesque picture of blurry lines and illogical placements. I kept quiet except for an occassional "Oh, please!" as they showed US Marshalls doggedly chasing after me. Yet remaining one step behind me as I changed my hair color and style to elude them, slipping out of a safehouse at 3am as they banged down the front door with a search warrant, leaving a trace of my perfurm to taunt them with their inadequacy.
I used to get worked oup about the court and media's constant manipulation of "facts" and generation of "evidence", but at some point I had to stop allowing their stories to dictate my emotions. They aren't real. Just because you say that the sky is green does not make it so, and at what point do I stop defending its blueness and let the absurdity go?
Tom clicked the remote and the TV went black. "Well, what do you think?"
I exhaled sharply. "Well..." I bit m y lower lip in concentration. "I think they could have hired a much prettier girl to play me."
"Come on Ashley, be serious."
"About what, Tom? It's obvious that these peole dont' have a clue. They are chasing a ghost. It's only fegitting because the Sarah Pender they are after is a storybook version of who I am!"
He loudly shushed m e and truned his eyes towards the wall behind us. "Don't talk so loud."
After the AMW episode Tom felt that I needed to yet again cut my hair (it was already well above my shoulders) and dye it blonde.
"It's the only color they didn't morph you into." HIs hand hovered just above his bald spot. "And super short, like a dyke."
I didn't understand why he called me a dyke to insult me and then systematically asked me to become one. Gain weight. Short hair. Layered, non-revealing clothes. I wasn't sure if his goal was to make me unattractive to other men or to have me play out the role for his own egotisitical purposes. What greater conquest than to dominate a dyke?
Of course the next day I granted his wish.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I wanted to share some of our interactions and some of my first draft writing taken from about five little blurbs I had writtten when randomly inspired. Of course, there are loving interactions between us, intellectually stimulating conversation and so on. But I wanted to know, after you read the book, what do you think about the writing style and characterization of Tom in mine versus the book and just in general what you think about my writing. Remember this is first draft stuff. I know it is not a long excerpt but I get tried of writing hours with a dull pencil.
Most of the material i have written goes into depth about what has shaped me into who I am, reveals motivations behind different characters' actions and has vivid dialogue, botgh serious and fun. I try not to be sexusally explicit but because our relationship was rooted in sex, I have to breach the subject. I could write a book called, "Sexploited," but prefer not t use sex to sell my story of injustice.
I'll close here. Write soon.
--Sarah
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #67
Dear Kelly,
Just got your letter and I've got to say that I dig the shiny paper. Never seen anything like it in the 10+ years I've been writing ridiculous amounts of letters.
I hope Amir does return safely, whenever that may be and that you have passed your withdrawal symptons, met some fun fling in the Hamptons, and return home with a renewed energy and inspiration. Since you have a ton of work ahead with your clients, you will need it.
The book I have not read, but enough of the people who are close to me and who were either involved or who have known me forever all are pissed beyond pissitivity about all of the misinformation put in it. There are errors, unchecked facts half truths and outright bullshit. You have to remember that this book was written by a Republican journalist, a crooked police officer, and a dirty prosecutor. Of course I'm the bad guy, all my friends or lovers were idiots, and the law enforcement and prosecutors are heroes.
Hey they wrote the story so they have the righ tto be the heroes of the day. However, they don't have the right to lie about me and other people. You are a smart woman, Kelly, so you understand syntax. So you know that by changing the placement of a single word in a sentence you can change its whole meaning. Even dolphins understand syntax.
Bring the surfer to the board. (Dolphin nudges person towards board.)
Bring the board to the surfer. (Dolphin pushes board over to person.)
Sometimes all you need to do is place a sentence within a different context to change the meaning, which is wha ta lot of media do---it's called "framing". And then, sometimes just a change in tone, emphasis, or pauses, can change meaning.
I want you to come here. (Points to floor in front of her.)
I want you to come here. (Points to her tongue.)
Big difference, huh?
Well, all I've heard so far is stuff like this. Some of it is little stuff like people's eye color or the color of a car. Some of it is big stuff, like leaving out important information or attributing one sentence to the wrong speaker which accuses people of misdeeds. Other times, it is saying something that is a conjecture, or that could be true and presents it as if it did happen, when it didn't.
Do you know what a factoid is?
Factoid: noun. unverified or inaccurate information that is presented in the press as factual, often as part of a publicity effort and that is then accepted as true because of constant repetition.
AND
faction: noun - a literary work or film that is a mix of fact and fiction.
That's exactly what this book is--- faction.
You know how peole tell you not to believe everything you read? There's really good reason for that. You can bet someone will be suing for either libel or defamation. I'll give specific examples once I have read it.
To your questions:
Yes, I am 5'8". I never really feel like I am especially tall because I am used to looking most men in the eye. It doesn't occur to me that i'm tall. I think most women are just short.
You asked where Steve (the author) gets his references. Well, he doesn't reveal his sources and people who don't reveal their sources are usually protecting someone whom has bent the rules to reveal these "facts".
The assertion that I enlisted Rick to help kill Drew and Trish is an allegation made up by the prosecution because it needed a story to frame the facts so that I looked guilty. Then, since they have noevidence that this occurred (at the time, the only evidence they had was that Rick admitted to arguing with Drew and that Drew threatened him and then there was a struggle over the gun.) They had to "find" some. The only person who testified to this scenario was Floyd, except the part that Steve leaves out is where Floyd gets up on teh stand and actually EXONERATES me. Floyd says that I do not plan to kill them, that Rick did it when an argument escalated between him and Drew and that when I bought the gun, I had never intended for things to go so far. The prosecutor, Larry Sells, cuts Floyd off, takes a piece of paper, highlights a section, hands it to Floyd on the stand, tells him to read it quietly to himself and then asks him, "Just say yes or no. Did Sarah plan the murders?" This is all in the transcripts. Floyd says "Yes."
END OF STORY.
That's when Larry Sells leads Floyd into the story of how I'm a manipulator. However, no one can find any examples of this.
Oh. I take that back.
After I told Rick that I did not want to be with him anymore, that 's when he sought the services of a fellow detainee, Steven Logan, to forge a letter in my print saying that I killed them in a drug-fueled rage. When Rick gave this letter to the prosecutor, he also gave a deposition which basically put me in his place and he played my role. Where he supposedly comes back to the house and find that I've killed them. During this deposition, Sells is desperate to get any piece of evidence that i am a manipulator. He asks Rick if I am--and he says oh yes. She's controlling and manipulative. when he asks for examples, he can only say that I'm a control nut but would completely avoid answeringthe question, when then in alll his other answers gives examples of how kind I am and how I stayed clear-headed and was real laid back, working and busy all the time, never argued, blah, blah, blah. The prosecutor keeps asking. He asks Rick if I'd ever made commens like that I wished Drew was dead or anything and Rick says no. Sells ask again, "You mean Sarah never complained or made any negative comments about them?" And here's the kicker, Kelly, the absolute worst thing that Rick said about me in his statement where he has set me up and is accusing me of the murders is that i did not want him selling drugs anymore. That i worked enough so he could quit and that we dind't need this shit and that I did not want him leaving out of town for a few weeks to do God knows what. That's my evil dark side, wanting Rick to stop selling drugs. Again at the end of the statement, Sells asks him: Sarah was absolutely a manipulative person when it came to you and if you weren't doing what Drew told you you were doing what Sarah told you?
Rick says, "Really, I mean, yeah, but I would never do it to the full extent."
Sells: "Right, and she wanted you to get a real job."
Rick: "Yeah, she wanted me to get a job."
Sells "And she was supportive in what you were doing, essentially."
Rick: Yeah
Sells: Tha'ts all I have.
End of deposition.
How awful I must be to want my boyfriend to quit dealing drugs and get a real job. Call me The Wicked Witch of the South.
In fact, other than my evil employment wishes, no on can find a shred of evidence that this manipulating, controlling, evil person.Sarah even exists. That's the whole point---It's all a story. It's made up.
Next question: I did not seduce a wealthy guy into giving me a cushy lifestyle. I met Tom through an acquaintance when she asked me to be the third in a threesome. I agreed, but refused to have sex with the guy. When we were all done, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the afternoon. I told him the truth--that my name is Sarah Pender, I just escaped from prison where i had been for 8 years for being wrongfully convicted of murder. That' Rick had come forward and told the truth, that he had killed them and I had nothing to do with it, bu tthe system failed me, so I escaped because I deserved justice. Now plans got screwed up and I don't have a clue what to do or where to go next. He said, well, I have to go home to my wife, so you can stay here tonight. He brought me back dinner and after a couple of days we made a deal. I didn't seduce him. I don't even know that I could play that role enough to be serious. I'm a nerd. I just be myself and some people adore the shit out of me. I was told that I am easy to love. We did some nice things and he drove a new Cadillac, but you live a more "cushy" life than I ever did.
Tom paid for my expenses for the first six weeks, but I earned my keep. I worked for room and board in Cinci doing office work and then worked as a blueprint estimator in Chicago and paid my own bills. Tom still paid for us to go to dinner and would buy my groceries and stuff, but so do a million other lovers for their mistresses. Again, you can believe I earned every bit of it either through doing his accounting or by other means of trade.
Next: I do have a sister. Her name is Jeni, she lives in FL and she is Princess of the Universe. I love her eventhough we are nothing alike. I once had a stepsister, Meagan. She was difficult, but I have no ill will towards her.
Next: The pic at my 2008 graduation was for my BS in Business Administration and my AS I had earned in 2006 for Computer Aided Drafting. Thanks for the compliment. I normally don't look bad as I have on TV. I am now back to my normal self, much like that graduation picture. It feels good to look like me again.
Next: Ididn't read Floyd's message. (Since I don't yet have the book,) but I'm sure it's bizarre. Floyd is kind of strange. I heard that he's back in prison for rape. Not sure if that's true or not.
Next: When Miller came here, he was weird. Like he tried to force a bond with me and I was just trying to figure out his motive and focus. I quickly learned that he was a liar and in cahoots with the police an didn't cooperate with him. He was a weasel. And he looks hungry. Too thin. A hungry weasel.
I find it funny that you said that you had written the book. I have tried to convince you to write a book about yourself for the longest time because 1) you are a good writer and 2) you already wite about yourself and have for years, so why not benefit from it?
You say that you dont' know a lot about me but you do. The stuff you don't know is either because you haven't asked or I think it would nto be a topic that would interest you, or because your life is more exciting and dramatic. This drama they wrote about in the book is sensationalism. The real story, I think, is way more intriguing. Just be prepared: Miller is obsessed with the details of my sex life, though I don't know if he told them correctly.The point is that he turned this into a sex scandal tabloid story. It's garbage. Why are people interested in my sex life? Jesus!
Next: Would like to check out the Glamour contest. I sent $10 to Creative Nonfiction Magazine but they never sent me the issue. Do you have their website info or contact info? I sent my father the issue of Tenacious that published my story about my mom. He said that he cried and that I should write more.
So, I'm enclosing my LIVE entry and one related Die! I'll write one for my HANDS project either this letter or next. FUN.
I'm pooped. Hope all is well and you are happy and energized. Life is good, even when it sucks. It will always change.
Take care,
Sarah
Just got your letter and I've got to say that I dig the shiny paper. Never seen anything like it in the 10+ years I've been writing ridiculous amounts of letters.
I hope Amir does return safely, whenever that may be and that you have passed your withdrawal symptons, met some fun fling in the Hamptons, and return home with a renewed energy and inspiration. Since you have a ton of work ahead with your clients, you will need it.
The book I have not read, but enough of the people who are close to me and who were either involved or who have known me forever all are pissed beyond pissitivity about all of the misinformation put in it. There are errors, unchecked facts half truths and outright bullshit. You have to remember that this book was written by a Republican journalist, a crooked police officer, and a dirty prosecutor. Of course I'm the bad guy, all my friends or lovers were idiots, and the law enforcement and prosecutors are heroes.
Hey they wrote the story so they have the righ tto be the heroes of the day. However, they don't have the right to lie about me and other people. You are a smart woman, Kelly, so you understand syntax. So you know that by changing the placement of a single word in a sentence you can change its whole meaning. Even dolphins understand syntax.
Bring the surfer to the board. (Dolphin nudges person towards board.)
Bring the board to the surfer. (Dolphin pushes board over to person.)
Sometimes all you need to do is place a sentence within a different context to change the meaning, which is wha ta lot of media do---it's called "framing". And then, sometimes just a change in tone, emphasis, or pauses, can change meaning.
I want you to come here. (Points to floor in front of her.)
I want you to come here. (Points to her tongue.)
Big difference, huh?
Well, all I've heard so far is stuff like this. Some of it is little stuff like people's eye color or the color of a car. Some of it is big stuff, like leaving out important information or attributing one sentence to the wrong speaker which accuses people of misdeeds. Other times, it is saying something that is a conjecture, or that could be true and presents it as if it did happen, when it didn't.
Do you know what a factoid is?
Factoid: noun. unverified or inaccurate information that is presented in the press as factual, often as part of a publicity effort and that is then accepted as true because of constant repetition.
AND
faction: noun - a literary work or film that is a mix of fact and fiction.
That's exactly what this book is--- faction.
You know how peole tell you not to believe everything you read? There's really good reason for that. You can bet someone will be suing for either libel or defamation. I'll give specific examples once I have read it.
To your questions:
Yes, I am 5'8". I never really feel like I am especially tall because I am used to looking most men in the eye. It doesn't occur to me that i'm tall. I think most women are just short.
You asked where Steve (the author) gets his references. Well, he doesn't reveal his sources and people who don't reveal their sources are usually protecting someone whom has bent the rules to reveal these "facts".
The assertion that I enlisted Rick to help kill Drew and Trish is an allegation made up by the prosecution because it needed a story to frame the facts so that I looked guilty. Then, since they have noevidence that this occurred (at the time, the only evidence they had was that Rick admitted to arguing with Drew and that Drew threatened him and then there was a struggle over the gun.) They had to "find" some. The only person who testified to this scenario was Floyd, except the part that Steve leaves out is where Floyd gets up on teh stand and actually EXONERATES me. Floyd says that I do not plan to kill them, that Rick did it when an argument escalated between him and Drew and that when I bought the gun, I had never intended for things to go so far. The prosecutor, Larry Sells, cuts Floyd off, takes a piece of paper, highlights a section, hands it to Floyd on the stand, tells him to read it quietly to himself and then asks him, "Just say yes or no. Did Sarah plan the murders?" This is all in the transcripts. Floyd says "Yes."
END OF STORY.
That's when Larry Sells leads Floyd into the story of how I'm a manipulator. However, no one can find any examples of this.
Oh. I take that back.
After I told Rick that I did not want to be with him anymore, that 's when he sought the services of a fellow detainee, Steven Logan, to forge a letter in my print saying that I killed them in a drug-fueled rage. When Rick gave this letter to the prosecutor, he also gave a deposition which basically put me in his place and he played my role. Where he supposedly comes back to the house and find that I've killed them. During this deposition, Sells is desperate to get any piece of evidence that i am a manipulator. He asks Rick if I am--and he says oh yes. She's controlling and manipulative. when he asks for examples, he can only say that I'm a control nut but would completely avoid answeringthe question, when then in alll his other answers gives examples of how kind I am and how I stayed clear-headed and was real laid back, working and busy all the time, never argued, blah, blah, blah. The prosecutor keeps asking. He asks Rick if I'd ever made commens like that I wished Drew was dead or anything and Rick says no. Sells ask again, "You mean Sarah never complained or made any negative comments about them?" And here's the kicker, Kelly, the absolute worst thing that Rick said about me in his statement where he has set me up and is accusing me of the murders is that i did not want him selling drugs anymore. That i worked enough so he could quit and that we dind't need this shit and that I did not want him leaving out of town for a few weeks to do God knows what. That's my evil dark side, wanting Rick to stop selling drugs. Again at the end of the statement, Sells asks him: Sarah was absolutely a manipulative person when it came to you and if you weren't doing what Drew told you you were doing what Sarah told you?
Rick says, "Really, I mean, yeah, but I would never do it to the full extent."
Sells: "Right, and she wanted you to get a real job."
Rick: "Yeah, she wanted me to get a job."
Sells "And she was supportive in what you were doing, essentially."
Rick: Yeah
Sells: Tha'ts all I have.
End of deposition.
How awful I must be to want my boyfriend to quit dealing drugs and get a real job. Call me The Wicked Witch of the South.
In fact, other than my evil employment wishes, no on can find a shred of evidence that this manipulating, controlling, evil person.Sarah even exists. That's the whole point---It's all a story. It's made up.
Next question: I did not seduce a wealthy guy into giving me a cushy lifestyle. I met Tom through an acquaintance when she asked me to be the third in a threesome. I agreed, but refused to have sex with the guy. When we were all done, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the afternoon. I told him the truth--that my name is Sarah Pender, I just escaped from prison where i had been for 8 years for being wrongfully convicted of murder. That' Rick had come forward and told the truth, that he had killed them and I had nothing to do with it, bu tthe system failed me, so I escaped because I deserved justice. Now plans got screwed up and I don't have a clue what to do or where to go next. He said, well, I have to go home to my wife, so you can stay here tonight. He brought me back dinner and after a couple of days we made a deal. I didn't seduce him. I don't even know that I could play that role enough to be serious. I'm a nerd. I just be myself and some people adore the shit out of me. I was told that I am easy to love. We did some nice things and he drove a new Cadillac, but you live a more "cushy" life than I ever did.
Tom paid for my expenses for the first six weeks, but I earned my keep. I worked for room and board in Cinci doing office work and then worked as a blueprint estimator in Chicago and paid my own bills. Tom still paid for us to go to dinner and would buy my groceries and stuff, but so do a million other lovers for their mistresses. Again, you can believe I earned every bit of it either through doing his accounting or by other means of trade.
Next: I do have a sister. Her name is Jeni, she lives in FL and she is Princess of the Universe. I love her eventhough we are nothing alike. I once had a stepsister, Meagan. She was difficult, but I have no ill will towards her.
Next: The pic at my 2008 graduation was for my BS in Business Administration and my AS I had earned in 2006 for Computer Aided Drafting. Thanks for the compliment. I normally don't look bad as I have on TV. I am now back to my normal self, much like that graduation picture. It feels good to look like me again.
Next: Ididn't read Floyd's message. (Since I don't yet have the book,) but I'm sure it's bizarre. Floyd is kind of strange. I heard that he's back in prison for rape. Not sure if that's true or not.
Next: When Miller came here, he was weird. Like he tried to force a bond with me and I was just trying to figure out his motive and focus. I quickly learned that he was a liar and in cahoots with the police an didn't cooperate with him. He was a weasel. And he looks hungry. Too thin. A hungry weasel.
I find it funny that you said that you had written the book. I have tried to convince you to write a book about yourself for the longest time because 1) you are a good writer and 2) you already wite about yourself and have for years, so why not benefit from it?
You say that you dont' know a lot about me but you do. The stuff you don't know is either because you haven't asked or I think it would nto be a topic that would interest you, or because your life is more exciting and dramatic. This drama they wrote about in the book is sensationalism. The real story, I think, is way more intriguing. Just be prepared: Miller is obsessed with the details of my sex life, though I don't know if he told them correctly.The point is that he turned this into a sex scandal tabloid story. It's garbage. Why are people interested in my sex life? Jesus!
Next: Would like to check out the Glamour contest. I sent $10 to Creative Nonfiction Magazine but they never sent me the issue. Do you have their website info or contact info? I sent my father the issue of Tenacious that published my story about my mom. He said that he cried and that I should write more.
So, I'm enclosing my LIVE entry and one related Die! I'll write one for my HANDS project either this letter or next. FUN.
I'm pooped. Hope all is well and you are happy and energized. Life is good, even when it sucks. It will always change.
Take care,
Sarah
Pender submits another blog entry:
13th July 2011
LIVE [By Guestblogger: Sarah, IN]
[Note: Sarah is an inmate in Indianapolis Women’s Prison currently serving a life sentence for murder. I have been writing to her for over two years. After having escaped from prison eight years into her sentence, she was on the lam for nearly a year. She was profiled on America’s Most Wanted and caught. Since then she has been in solitary confinement for the last two and a half years. A book about Sarah’s life and escape came out this month called Girl, Wanted: The Chase for Sarah Pender.]
Pender’s Peace Garden
Living in solitary confinement gives mea renewed sense of appreciation for life. Two and a half years of good behavior has earned me the privilege of gardening the rocks. Fives days each week, I am handcuffed through a hole in the door, led from my cell to a plastic patio chair in which I must kneel to allow an officer to lock shackles around my ankles. Between the steel leg clamps hangs a heavy chain that grants me freedom in sixteen inch increments.
My garden is a sea of peagravel that pools around a concrete pad onto which are bolted several large chain-link fence cages that resemble dog runs. In fair weather we hostages are released from our cells into these cages, one woman per cage, for our one hour of “recreation” where we can sit and soak up sunshine, or “exercise”, which creepily resembles restless circus tigers or feral dogs pacing. The cages are flanked on three sides by brick walls with a razor wire topped fence at the end—a place so desolate, abandoned houses have more pizazz.
A forest of weeds grows up from the peddles, and I shuffle around caring for them as if they are my surrogate children, sculpting clover into miniature bushes, adopting tiny flowering outcasts, and deimating the intruding crabgrass. I became attached to a sticker plant that grew over 18 inches before a rainstorm tilted him like a corner bar drunk. As I tended to him, the girls teased me that I was raising weeds.
I chided them. “He is a plant. Stop calling him a weed. You are hurting his feelings.” I then assured all of my little guys that I would protect them from other bullies, validated their right to exist and be cared for, and showered them with watery love.
A bucket is the only garden tool I am permitted besides plastic bags and gloves for picking out unwanted intruders, so when the Superintendent approved for Minister Bruce to bring in a few potted plants, there was a discourse about how I would garden real plants without tools. I told them I didn’t need any tools.
“How will you garden without tools?”
“I will figure it out,” I confidently replied.
I sketched out a plan to place my five flowers (rudbeckia, shasta daisy, marigold, impatient and begonia) and then started digging. I snapped two cheap wooden pencils before I discovered an indestructible weapon for micro earth moving: a used Colgate toothbrush. An old coffee-stained tumbler became my itty-bitty backhoe, and together we made a hole appear. It is a slow process, but it is not like I’m pressed for time.
To even get down to the dirt requires a recipe of equal parts creativity, ingenuity, and brute force. First, I bulldozed the peagravel with a dustpan borrowed from the janitor’s closet. Underneath is a sheet of black fabric that, ironically is supposed to suppress weed growth, but only serves to annoy me. I don’t know, maybe it keeps the dirt warm and cozy on cold nights.
The fabric lays in long swaths about 20 ft X 3 ft. Moving sixty square feet of gravel in order to dig an eight inch square hold is absurd even by my standards. It crosses the threshold between hard work and masochism. Without the benefit of scissors and having the upper body strength of a ten year old, I had to rely on some old school postage stamp technology: perforation. (Anyone under 30 probably has no idea that stamps came any other was besides in sheets of stickers. After all, this is the generation of peel-n-stick envelopes.) Again, with my trusty toothbrush I wildly stab the earth like Anthony Perkins, slightly disturbing my caged associates.
“Do not be afraid! This is only a test,” I assure them as I finish a row of surprisingly neat dotted lines. After wrestling the winter carpet like an MMA fighter, I emerge victorious, holding up my tattered square trophy with dirt-covered hands.
A week later, the flowers were in the ground and still alive.
The prison donated dirt, trays and some seeds, so I built tiny greenhouses out of old shampoo bottles and clear trash bags, poking vents in them with Mr. Toothbrush. Once they grow a good root system, I ask the officer to save the breakfast milk cartons, and with the help of my handy-dandy toothbrush, I transform them into miniature transplanting pots.
Only of of three seed types has germinated, so I am banking on these to grow up big and strong to create Pender’s Peace Garden, a tropical oasis of serenity. However, even if my incubators fail to hatch new babies, just the few existing plants already positively impact the environment. In a world of concrete and steel, rock and brick, emerges delicate life in tiny bursts of orange, green, yellow, pink and white.
A young woman, 21, here for armed robbery and a littany of priors, thanked me for planting the daisies between the cell window and cage. “They make this place seem more human.” Her words brought me into stark reality over treatment: we are locked in a bathroom 23 hours a day, put inside a cage to shower, instead of muzzles we wear handcuffs, and when out to play are kept on a very short leash.
And she was right; by validating the plants’ inherent value, they, in turn, validate our humanity.
LIVE [By Guestblogger: Sarah, IN]
[Note: Sarah is an inmate in Indianapolis Women’s Prison currently serving a life sentence for murder. I have been writing to her for over two years. After having escaped from prison eight years into her sentence, she was on the lam for nearly a year. She was profiled on America’s Most Wanted and caught. Since then she has been in solitary confinement for the last two and a half years. A book about Sarah’s life and escape came out this month called Girl, Wanted: The Chase for Sarah Pender.]
Pender’s Peace Garden
Living in solitary confinement gives mea renewed sense of appreciation for life. Two and a half years of good behavior has earned me the privilege of gardening the rocks. Fives days each week, I am handcuffed through a hole in the door, led from my cell to a plastic patio chair in which I must kneel to allow an officer to lock shackles around my ankles. Between the steel leg clamps hangs a heavy chain that grants me freedom in sixteen inch increments.
My garden is a sea of peagravel that pools around a concrete pad onto which are bolted several large chain-link fence cages that resemble dog runs. In fair weather we hostages are released from our cells into these cages, one woman per cage, for our one hour of “recreation” where we can sit and soak up sunshine, or “exercise”, which creepily resembles restless circus tigers or feral dogs pacing. The cages are flanked on three sides by brick walls with a razor wire topped fence at the end—a place so desolate, abandoned houses have more pizazz.
A forest of weeds grows up from the peddles, and I shuffle around caring for them as if they are my surrogate children, sculpting clover into miniature bushes, adopting tiny flowering outcasts, and deimating the intruding crabgrass. I became attached to a sticker plant that grew over 18 inches before a rainstorm tilted him like a corner bar drunk. As I tended to him, the girls teased me that I was raising weeds.
I chided them. “He is a plant. Stop calling him a weed. You are hurting his feelings.” I then assured all of my little guys that I would protect them from other bullies, validated their right to exist and be cared for, and showered them with watery love.
A bucket is the only garden tool I am permitted besides plastic bags and gloves for picking out unwanted intruders, so when the Superintendent approved for Minister Bruce to bring in a few potted plants, there was a discourse about how I would garden real plants without tools. I told them I didn’t need any tools.
“How will you garden without tools?”
“I will figure it out,” I confidently replied.
I sketched out a plan to place my five flowers (rudbeckia, shasta daisy, marigold, impatient and begonia) and then started digging. I snapped two cheap wooden pencils before I discovered an indestructible weapon for micro earth moving: a used Colgate toothbrush. An old coffee-stained tumbler became my itty-bitty backhoe, and together we made a hole appear. It is a slow process, but it is not like I’m pressed for time.
To even get down to the dirt requires a recipe of equal parts creativity, ingenuity, and brute force. First, I bulldozed the peagravel with a dustpan borrowed from the janitor’s closet. Underneath is a sheet of black fabric that, ironically is supposed to suppress weed growth, but only serves to annoy me. I don’t know, maybe it keeps the dirt warm and cozy on cold nights.
The fabric lays in long swaths about 20 ft X 3 ft. Moving sixty square feet of gravel in order to dig an eight inch square hold is absurd even by my standards. It crosses the threshold between hard work and masochism. Without the benefit of scissors and having the upper body strength of a ten year old, I had to rely on some old school postage stamp technology: perforation. (Anyone under 30 probably has no idea that stamps came any other was besides in sheets of stickers. After all, this is the generation of peel-n-stick envelopes.) Again, with my trusty toothbrush I wildly stab the earth like Anthony Perkins, slightly disturbing my caged associates.
“Do not be afraid! This is only a test,” I assure them as I finish a row of surprisingly neat dotted lines. After wrestling the winter carpet like an MMA fighter, I emerge victorious, holding up my tattered square trophy with dirt-covered hands.
A week later, the flowers were in the ground and still alive.
The prison donated dirt, trays and some seeds, so I built tiny greenhouses out of old shampoo bottles and clear trash bags, poking vents in them with Mr. Toothbrush. Once they grow a good root system, I ask the officer to save the breakfast milk cartons, and with the help of my handy-dandy toothbrush, I transform them into miniature transplanting pots.
Only of of three seed types has germinated, so I am banking on these to grow up big and strong to create Pender’s Peace Garden, a tropical oasis of serenity. However, even if my incubators fail to hatch new babies, just the few existing plants already positively impact the environment. In a world of concrete and steel, rock and brick, emerges delicate life in tiny bursts of orange, green, yellow, pink and white.
A young woman, 21, here for armed robbery and a littany of priors, thanked me for planting the daisies between the cell window and cage. “They make this place seem more human.” Her words brought me into stark reality over treatment: we are locked in a bathroom 23 hours a day, put inside a cage to shower, instead of muzzles we wear handcuffs, and when out to play are kept on a very short leash.
And she was right; by validating the plants’ inherent value, they, in turn, validate our humanity.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sarah Pender Submits GuestBlogger Entry
I write a blog called You Might As Well... in which I chronicle a reason to LIVE and a reason to Die! each day. Sarah Pender submitted a guestblogger entry with her reason to Die!
HERE IT IS
HERE IT IS
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #66
Dear Kelly:
I was listening to a show called Marketplace Money on NPR this morning and thought of you. There was a piece done by a guy named Steve Henn. Part of it was about how sophisticated technology that once was only availalbe to military and scientists now are esily accessible to average consumers. One product is a software program tha tallow sa user to hack into just about anything with just a click of the start button. One example he used was if you went to a wifi cafe, you get on this network and then start the program which listens for other users and then pops up their FaceBook and email which you can automatically log on as them. Sound familiar? I figured that since Teresahgad these sneaky hacking behaviors that you shoudl bve able to as well. There's a program called Flexispy that you can secretly download into other people's phones or computers in order to spy on them from yours. They also talked about how they sell these two foot wide drones tha tyou can fly around the city and you load photos of people you want to look for---it uses face recognition sofatward to track whomever you are searching for. It used to cost thousands but now it is only $1200.
I got your letter about that book (GARBAGE) and your sudden and unexpected trip to Mexico. (SWEET!) With Amir. you get to do these things out of a fairy tale. I wonder if you realize how different your life is from Midwest suburbanites or urban Detroit families? NYC has such a variety of people and cultures and economic scales that it boggles my mind. So now that Amir has returned to Iran, are you missing him and being worried sick about his safety? Do you think his absence and being in danger will endear you even more to him? Kind of like how when you choose to leave someone its ok because you feel like you can always choose to go back, but when they leave you or when you see that they could leave permanently tha tyou suddenly value them more and are willing to put up with more than you would before. I hope he returns safely.
While NY made gay marriage legal, Indiana was voting to explicitly make it illegal. People in Indiana are so afraid of change and judge any one that is different from them as evil or bad--unless it is the latest video game system or McDonald's Value Meal.
Boulders on pillows--juxtaposition.
What happened at the John deposition?
By the way--that villa and private pool was AMAZINGLY beautiful. And I am with you--horses are too pretty to eat--unless I am stranded in the country and there's nothing else to eat. I could eat rabbit. Even though they are cute--the horse is INTELLIGENT and to eat something as smart as a small child is just weird to me.
I love that that you went skinnydipping and tanned nude. Mymother used to live out in the middle of AZ's desert where her nearest neighbor was a half mile away, and tanned nude in the bed of her truck. There was a nearby rocky formation. A guy who justed to job up on this cliff each morning started bringing his binoculars. Mom just flipped him off.
I haven't read the book yet but my mom and several others have and they say it is so twisted and manipulated that it is more like fiction than the truth. The review on Amazon that blast them out about how the author tells only half the story and twists up scenarios and so on is totally correct. The Sarah Pender vs. USA is a collection of my appeals and court filings.
The abstract is not correct on that, either. I escaped in Aug 2008, not Oct. And my petition for habeas wasn't denied, it was withdrawn because I had escaped. See? Even simple details like that people can't get right.
But I find it interesting how the author demonizes me for my sex life when anyonem else can do the same things and be considered normal. What's so scandalous about skinny dipping with a woman at a party? I'm queer. Whoopee! Or having a threesome? Men drool over the idea, yet because I'm a woman, it somehow makes me a whore. This is conservative Republican journalism for you.
Anyway, the author words things to make them seem true but they are concoctions of his own mind made to juice of the story. He leaves out the exonerating evidence because it doesn't fit into his narrative. He avoids uncomfortable issues and exaggerates what's left. And I know this just from what I've read in blurbs and conversation wtih my mother. Just garbage.
One thing it has done---it is raising questions and awareness about just how I got convicted. My mother went to confront the author and the prosecutor was there at the book signing. He admitted to mom that there was always doubt in my case that I did not get the defense I deserved and that forensic analysts are biased, both for and against the State. He apologized to my mother.
An attorney agreed to take my case pro bono. And we are looking into possibly participating in a documentary about my case for the Oxygen Network. A local investigative reporter also wants to look deeper into my case. So there is good news.
NPR just did a series on a bunch of convictions that were overturned in Canada for neglect or murder of children. Many women were convicted of murder because of forensic pathologist who manipulated reorters to make sure the parent was convicted when it was really an accident.
And recently, here in Indy, a bunch of convictions for driving under the influence of cocaine were overturned because they found that the processes were done wrong at the forensic labs, resulting in a false positive.
It was the forensic analyst that manipulated her testimony and research to match 100% to a letter that I never wrote, and convicted me of murders I never committed.
So, life is interesting. I wonder what will happen next?
Take care,
Sarah
I was listening to a show called Marketplace Money on NPR this morning and thought of you. There was a piece done by a guy named Steve Henn. Part of it was about how sophisticated technology that once was only availalbe to military and scientists now are esily accessible to average consumers. One product is a software program tha tallow sa user to hack into just about anything with just a click of the start button. One example he used was if you went to a wifi cafe, you get on this network and then start the program which listens for other users and then pops up their FaceBook and email which you can automatically log on as them. Sound familiar? I figured that since Teresahgad these sneaky hacking behaviors that you shoudl bve able to as well. There's a program called Flexispy that you can secretly download into other people's phones or computers in order to spy on them from yours. They also talked about how they sell these two foot wide drones tha tyou can fly around the city and you load photos of people you want to look for---it uses face recognition sofatward to track whomever you are searching for. It used to cost thousands but now it is only $1200.
I got your letter about that book (GARBAGE) and your sudden and unexpected trip to Mexico. (SWEET!) With Amir. you get to do these things out of a fairy tale. I wonder if you realize how different your life is from Midwest suburbanites or urban Detroit families? NYC has such a variety of people and cultures and economic scales that it boggles my mind. So now that Amir has returned to Iran, are you missing him and being worried sick about his safety? Do you think his absence and being in danger will endear you even more to him? Kind of like how when you choose to leave someone its ok because you feel like you can always choose to go back, but when they leave you or when you see that they could leave permanently tha tyou suddenly value them more and are willing to put up with more than you would before. I hope he returns safely.
While NY made gay marriage legal, Indiana was voting to explicitly make it illegal. People in Indiana are so afraid of change and judge any one that is different from them as evil or bad--unless it is the latest video game system or McDonald's Value Meal.
Boulders on pillows--juxtaposition.
What happened at the John deposition?
By the way--that villa and private pool was AMAZINGLY beautiful. And I am with you--horses are too pretty to eat--unless I am stranded in the country and there's nothing else to eat. I could eat rabbit. Even though they are cute--the horse is INTELLIGENT and to eat something as smart as a small child is just weird to me.
I love that that you went skinnydipping and tanned nude. Mymother used to live out in the middle of AZ's desert where her nearest neighbor was a half mile away, and tanned nude in the bed of her truck. There was a nearby rocky formation. A guy who justed to job up on this cliff each morning started bringing his binoculars. Mom just flipped him off.
I haven't read the book yet but my mom and several others have and they say it is so twisted and manipulated that it is more like fiction than the truth. The review on Amazon that blast them out about how the author tells only half the story and twists up scenarios and so on is totally correct. The Sarah Pender vs. USA is a collection of my appeals and court filings.
The abstract is not correct on that, either. I escaped in Aug 2008, not Oct. And my petition for habeas wasn't denied, it was withdrawn because I had escaped. See? Even simple details like that people can't get right.
But I find it interesting how the author demonizes me for my sex life when anyonem else can do the same things and be considered normal. What's so scandalous about skinny dipping with a woman at a party? I'm queer. Whoopee! Or having a threesome? Men drool over the idea, yet because I'm a woman, it somehow makes me a whore. This is conservative Republican journalism for you.
Anyway, the author words things to make them seem true but they are concoctions of his own mind made to juice of the story. He leaves out the exonerating evidence because it doesn't fit into his narrative. He avoids uncomfortable issues and exaggerates what's left. And I know this just from what I've read in blurbs and conversation wtih my mother. Just garbage.
One thing it has done---it is raising questions and awareness about just how I got convicted. My mother went to confront the author and the prosecutor was there at the book signing. He admitted to mom that there was always doubt in my case that I did not get the defense I deserved and that forensic analysts are biased, both for and against the State. He apologized to my mother.
An attorney agreed to take my case pro bono. And we are looking into possibly participating in a documentary about my case for the Oxygen Network. A local investigative reporter also wants to look deeper into my case. So there is good news.
NPR just did a series on a bunch of convictions that were overturned in Canada for neglect or murder of children. Many women were convicted of murder because of forensic pathologist who manipulated reorters to make sure the parent was convicted when it was really an accident.
And recently, here in Indy, a bunch of convictions for driving under the influence of cocaine were overturned because they found that the processes were done wrong at the forensic labs, resulting in a false positive.
It was the forensic analyst that manipulated her testimony and research to match 100% to a letter that I never wrote, and convicted me of murders I never committed.
So, life is interesting. I wonder what will happen next?
Take care,
Sarah
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #65
[Ed.: Sarah made me these two amazing cards. They are cards fashioned from words cut out from various publications, much like the ones I make Amir. My scanner broke and I'm too tired to fix it. They were black. white and red too. She also started this HANDS art program and I need to scan that. It has poetry, art, etc. on it.]
Kelly,
My life would not be as fun without your ongoing and ever-changing dramas. I laughed so hard after reading your story about the giant SNAFU with Amir, Ali and Teresa. No so much the problems and the heartache but the absurdity of it all. My all time favorite line: "And even though I basically poisoned him and caused problems in his family, he can't stay away from me. I have trouble with liking sociopaths."
That should be the subtitle of your memoir: I have trouble with liking sociopaths. And now that you are back to square one with your job, I really suggest you give writing a memoir a long, in-depth thought. You an take most of your material frolm the blogs you have already written. It wouldn't be near as hard as starting from scratch. Please think about it.
I I were NOT going to do the RIGHT and rational thing, going full-force into crazy and burn down everything in sight, what would be my mode of revenge? Thats a really hard question because 1) I am ridiculously rational and cautious about not harming others, even when they've harmed me, and 2) I think anything really crazy would be illegal, which wouldn't go over well because Teresa is an atty. and 3) any actions taken are just going to perpetuate drama.
I prefer only accepting drama if the outcome is really wotth it to me, like my 2008 adventure. However, I've been in a dramatic relationship before and understand the allure of accepting drama in exchange for keeping the romance, but to GET RID of someone you've semi-tortured and who comes back with $700 shoes a week later, then cusses you out only hours later, on your bday, and then comes back all sweet and calm?
Who fucking knows? I'm sure one of the reality TV actresses could give pointers. Isn't there an ASK A BITCH website?
Maybe you could ask the pigeon who has been stalking you to give you a sign. That had to be a creepy experience to wake up to. However, with the supernatural you can't just ignore these things when you know they are not just coincidences. You know the paranormal is real. Did you ever have an out-of-body experience? I have LEARN ASTRAL PROJECTION on my list of things to do before I die. That is absolutely amazing about the medical healers you went to for your bladder disease. I totally believe you. Some people sense energies as colors, some as patterns, some as feelings... there's an energy medicine lady named Donna Eden whose book I use for reference when I have female issues and I use her acupressure exercises and movements in a regular meditative routine I do sometimes. See? Your fortune-teller story, this one, could be one of the chapters of your book. People love that stuff.
I'm surprised people don't understand the Third Entity. I often daydream or night dream about David. I had short and lustful relationships I high school before meeting him in 1996, but none of those people created the magic that is necessary for the Third Entity. But me and David---we had it. And actually, we also lost it before we called it quits. That's how I know what you mean, that it, not the PERSON you are longing for, but the person you were when the 3rd was activated--those feelings, the magic, the depth of emotion, the intimacy of touch, the joy in your laughter. It's different, it's dreamlike and euphoric when you have it. it's hell and misery when you lose it and I have chased it in my dreams for over ten years. I pine for the way he made me feel, and in my dreams, just being iwth him can bring back what I need.
Yesterday, I woke up from a dream about David and wrote about my feelings. Perhaps that will be the subject of my guest LIVE/Die! I will write one for you. Yesterday was exactly ten years since I have held his hand and seen his beautiful face. Life is so unfair.
Do I ever feel weird and crazy? Yes, especially since I've been locked in a room for 2 1/2 years. I think more often than weird or crazy, I feel misunderstood or like I'm speaking a foreign language to those around me. Sometimes I feel like an alient after speaking to prison officials. Or m aybe they are the aliens. Hey that would explain ALOT.
Your feeling about enjoying the Auction House because of its strangeness and possible bad experience is exactly what this atty friend of a friend from NY/NJ seeks out. He goes to restaurants ans placed that get terrible reviews or warnings just to experience it.
Any man who IMs his buddy's g/f (current or ex) at midnight for an unrelated issue to their purpose has interest that reaches beyond business as usual, even if he acts professional the next day. He's probably just minding his manners, but I can guarantee you that the tought crossed Bruno's mind. It's an involuntary male reaction that is nearly universal.
One of the birthday cards that i got was a lovely reproduction of a Swiss photo with red and green leaves and golden shimmery accents with a kind of oriental edging. One of the things she wrote inside was using the birthday as an excuse to look back adn get complete about the past and then look forward like it is New Year's Day, any day I want. There's a freedom in this, knowing that at any moment, I an turn over a new life, a new purpose, sever old baggage or forgive old resentments. And so I am taking that on.
Perhaps a way to get through your heartache is to create a new dream that you can focus on or have hope in happines that would come of it were true. A dream that is not based on anyone in the past, so that you aren't recycling the old entity but creating or seeking a new one. If you focus on finding a new love, it will be easier to weather the ache of an absent or ambivalent Amir.
Oh! That reminds me. With your tendency to gravitate towards sociopaths, there is a test that several states use in their criminal justice systems to rate a person's likelihood to be psychopathic. PLPR. There was a story last week about CA prisons using it to determine parole. You could obtain a copy of it and rate your beaus. If you think that maybe you'd do the rational thing and avoid high scores. Somehow, I don't think it would completely deter you.
I hope you are feeling better. I'm going to turtn on a country station, exercise and start something on paper for a LIVE/Die! Take care of yourself, Kel.
--Sarah
P.S. Just got your letter with the review of the Punch Drunk production. This just reconfirms what i said about your memoir and writing a section on paranormal or even writing the whole thing from that perspective of how signs or eventsd or messages from the Universe show up and shape your life.
The Magic page and Satine's link are indeed, a sign. Did I ever tell you how spells and magic helped me escape and run? I'm not saying you should put a love spell on Amir. Mabye the sign is to put a spell on yourself to ward off sociopaths and attract your best love partner. You won't be happy in love with someone who wasn't meant to be. If Amir is menat to be your love mate, then a spell for yourself will bring him back into the fold. If he is not, then you haven't lost anything except more heartache.
Yes, I use toothpaste for glue. MINTY FRESH! Glad you liked my card for you.
Tofranil is an anti-depressant that is the brand name for imipramine. It's a tricyclic anti-depressant used to treat a thing called enuresis, which I have been told that in kids, results in bedwetting, in adults, incontinence. The side effects I experience are hot at times (due to increased metabolism), increased nightmares for the first 3 weeks, and I wake up faster in the morning and stay awake, though there's an afternoon energy dip. All in all, it's really good for me. Perhaps you should try it.
Okay, off to shower and start my LIVE/Die!
Sarah
Kelly,
My life would not be as fun without your ongoing and ever-changing dramas. I laughed so hard after reading your story about the giant SNAFU with Amir, Ali and Teresa. No so much the problems and the heartache but the absurdity of it all. My all time favorite line: "And even though I basically poisoned him and caused problems in his family, he can't stay away from me. I have trouble with liking sociopaths."
That should be the subtitle of your memoir: I have trouble with liking sociopaths. And now that you are back to square one with your job, I really suggest you give writing a memoir a long, in-depth thought. You an take most of your material frolm the blogs you have already written. It wouldn't be near as hard as starting from scratch. Please think about it.
I I were NOT going to do the RIGHT and rational thing, going full-force into crazy and burn down everything in sight, what would be my mode of revenge? Thats a really hard question because 1) I am ridiculously rational and cautious about not harming others, even when they've harmed me, and 2) I think anything really crazy would be illegal, which wouldn't go over well because Teresa is an atty. and 3) any actions taken are just going to perpetuate drama.
I prefer only accepting drama if the outcome is really wotth it to me, like my 2008 adventure. However, I've been in a dramatic relationship before and understand the allure of accepting drama in exchange for keeping the romance, but to GET RID of someone you've semi-tortured and who comes back with $700 shoes a week later, then cusses you out only hours later, on your bday, and then comes back all sweet and calm?
Who fucking knows? I'm sure one of the reality TV actresses could give pointers. Isn't there an ASK A BITCH website?
Maybe you could ask the pigeon who has been stalking you to give you a sign. That had to be a creepy experience to wake up to. However, with the supernatural you can't just ignore these things when you know they are not just coincidences. You know the paranormal is real. Did you ever have an out-of-body experience? I have LEARN ASTRAL PROJECTION on my list of things to do before I die. That is absolutely amazing about the medical healers you went to for your bladder disease. I totally believe you. Some people sense energies as colors, some as patterns, some as feelings... there's an energy medicine lady named Donna Eden whose book I use for reference when I have female issues and I use her acupressure exercises and movements in a regular meditative routine I do sometimes. See? Your fortune-teller story, this one, could be one of the chapters of your book. People love that stuff.
I'm surprised people don't understand the Third Entity. I often daydream or night dream about David. I had short and lustful relationships I high school before meeting him in 1996, but none of those people created the magic that is necessary for the Third Entity. But me and David---we had it. And actually, we also lost it before we called it quits. That's how I know what you mean, that it, not the PERSON you are longing for, but the person you were when the 3rd was activated--those feelings, the magic, the depth of emotion, the intimacy of touch, the joy in your laughter. It's different, it's dreamlike and euphoric when you have it. it's hell and misery when you lose it and I have chased it in my dreams for over ten years. I pine for the way he made me feel, and in my dreams, just being iwth him can bring back what I need.
Yesterday, I woke up from a dream about David and wrote about my feelings. Perhaps that will be the subject of my guest LIVE/Die! I will write one for you. Yesterday was exactly ten years since I have held his hand and seen his beautiful face. Life is so unfair.
Do I ever feel weird and crazy? Yes, especially since I've been locked in a room for 2 1/2 years. I think more often than weird or crazy, I feel misunderstood or like I'm speaking a foreign language to those around me. Sometimes I feel like an alient after speaking to prison officials. Or m aybe they are the aliens. Hey that would explain ALOT.
Your feeling about enjoying the Auction House because of its strangeness and possible bad experience is exactly what this atty friend of a friend from NY/NJ seeks out. He goes to restaurants ans placed that get terrible reviews or warnings just to experience it.
Any man who IMs his buddy's g/f (current or ex) at midnight for an unrelated issue to their purpose has interest that reaches beyond business as usual, even if he acts professional the next day. He's probably just minding his manners, but I can guarantee you that the tought crossed Bruno's mind. It's an involuntary male reaction that is nearly universal.
One of the birthday cards that i got was a lovely reproduction of a Swiss photo with red and green leaves and golden shimmery accents with a kind of oriental edging. One of the things she wrote inside was using the birthday as an excuse to look back adn get complete about the past and then look forward like it is New Year's Day, any day I want. There's a freedom in this, knowing that at any moment, I an turn over a new life, a new purpose, sever old baggage or forgive old resentments. And so I am taking that on.
Perhaps a way to get through your heartache is to create a new dream that you can focus on or have hope in happines that would come of it were true. A dream that is not based on anyone in the past, so that you aren't recycling the old entity but creating or seeking a new one. If you focus on finding a new love, it will be easier to weather the ache of an absent or ambivalent Amir.
Oh! That reminds me. With your tendency to gravitate towards sociopaths, there is a test that several states use in their criminal justice systems to rate a person's likelihood to be psychopathic. PLPR. There was a story last week about CA prisons using it to determine parole. You could obtain a copy of it and rate your beaus. If you think that maybe you'd do the rational thing and avoid high scores. Somehow, I don't think it would completely deter you.
I hope you are feeling better. I'm going to turtn on a country station, exercise and start something on paper for a LIVE/Die! Take care of yourself, Kel.
--Sarah
P.S. Just got your letter with the review of the Punch Drunk production. This just reconfirms what i said about your memoir and writing a section on paranormal or even writing the whole thing from that perspective of how signs or eventsd or messages from the Universe show up and shape your life.
The Magic page and Satine's link are indeed, a sign. Did I ever tell you how spells and magic helped me escape and run? I'm not saying you should put a love spell on Amir. Mabye the sign is to put a spell on yourself to ward off sociopaths and attract your best love partner. You won't be happy in love with someone who wasn't meant to be. If Amir is menat to be your love mate, then a spell for yourself will bring him back into the fold. If he is not, then you haven't lost anything except more heartache.
Yes, I use toothpaste for glue. MINTY FRESH! Glad you liked my card for you.
Tofranil is an anti-depressant that is the brand name for imipramine. It's a tricyclic anti-depressant used to treat a thing called enuresis, which I have been told that in kids, results in bedwetting, in adults, incontinence. The side effects I experience are hot at times (due to increased metabolism), increased nightmares for the first 3 weeks, and I wake up faster in the morning and stay awake, though there's an afternoon energy dip. All in all, it's really good for me. Perhaps you should try it.
Okay, off to shower and start my LIVE/Die!
Sarah
