Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #65

[Ed.: Sarah made me these two amazing cards. They are cards fashioned from words cut out from various publications, much like the ones I make Amir. My scanner broke and I'm too tired to fix it. They were black. white and red too. She also started this HANDS art program and I need to scan that. It has poetry, art, etc. on it.]

Kelly,
My life would not be as fun without your ongoing and ever-changing dramas. I laughed so hard after reading your story about the giant SNAFU with Amir, Ali and Teresa. No so much the problems and the heartache but the absurdity of it all. My all time favorite line: "And even though I basically poisoned him and caused problems in his family, he can't stay away from me. I have trouble with liking sociopaths."

That should be the subtitle of your memoir: I have trouble with liking sociopaths. And now that you are back to square one with your job, I really suggest you give writing a memoir a long, in-depth thought. You an take most of your material frolm the blogs you have already written. It wouldn't be near as hard as starting from scratch. Please think about it.

I I were NOT going to do the RIGHT and rational thing, going full-force into crazy and burn down everything in sight, what would be my mode of revenge? Thats a really hard question because 1) I am ridiculously rational and cautious about not harming others, even when they've harmed me, and 2) I think anything really crazy would be illegal, which wouldn't go over well because Teresa is an atty. and 3) any actions taken are just going to perpetuate drama.

I prefer only accepting drama if the outcome is really wotth it to me, like my 2008 adventure. However, I've been in a dramatic relationship before and understand the allure of accepting drama in exchange for keeping the romance, but to GET RID of someone you've semi-tortured and who comes back with $700 shoes a week later, then cusses you out only hours later, on your bday, and then comes back all sweet and calm?

Who fucking knows? I'm sure one of the reality TV actresses could give pointers. Isn't there an ASK A BITCH website?

Maybe you could ask the pigeon who has been stalking you to give you a sign. That had to be a creepy experience to wake up to. However, with the supernatural you can't just ignore these things when you know they are not just coincidences. You know the paranormal is real. Did you ever have an out-of-body experience? I have LEARN ASTRAL PROJECTION on my list of things to do before I die. That is absolutely amazing about the medical healers you went to for your bladder disease. I totally believe you. Some people sense energies as colors, some as patterns, some as feelings... there's an energy medicine lady named Donna Eden whose book I use for reference when I have female issues and I use her acupressure exercises and movements in a regular meditative routine I do sometimes. See? Your fortune-teller story, this one, could be one of the chapters of your book. People love that stuff.

I'm surprised people don't understand the Third Entity. I often daydream or night dream about David. I had short and lustful relationships I high school before meeting him in 1996, but none of those people created the magic that is necessary for the Third Entity. But me and David---we had it. And actually, we also lost it before we called it quits. That's how I know what you mean, that it, not the PERSON you are longing for, but the person you were when the 3rd was activated--those feelings, the magic, the depth of emotion, the intimacy of touch, the joy in your laughter. It's different, it's dreamlike and euphoric when you have it. it's hell and misery when you lose it and I have chased it in my dreams for over ten years. I pine for the way he made me feel, and in my dreams, just being iwth him can bring back what I need.

Yesterday, I woke up from a dream about David and wrote about my feelings. Perhaps that will be the subject of my guest LIVE/Die! I will write one for you. Yesterday was exactly ten years since I have held his hand and seen his beautiful face. Life is so unfair.

Do I ever feel weird and crazy? Yes, especially since I've been locked in a room for 2 1/2 years. I think more often than weird or crazy, I feel misunderstood or like I'm speaking a foreign language to those around me. Sometimes I feel like an alient after speaking to prison officials. Or m aybe they are the aliens. Hey that would explain ALOT.

Your feeling about enjoying the Auction House because of its strangeness and possible bad experience is exactly what this atty friend of a friend from NY/NJ seeks out. He goes to restaurants ans placed that get terrible reviews or warnings just to experience it.

Any man who IMs his buddy's g/f (current or ex) at midnight for an unrelated issue to their purpose has interest that reaches beyond business as usual, even if he acts professional the next day. He's probably just minding his manners, but I can guarantee you that the tought crossed Bruno's mind. It's an involuntary male reaction that is nearly universal.

One of the birthday cards that i got was a lovely reproduction of a Swiss photo with red and green leaves and golden shimmery accents with a kind of oriental edging. One of the things she wrote inside was using the birthday as an excuse to look back adn get complete about the past and then look forward like it is New Year's Day, any day I want. There's a freedom in this, knowing that at any moment, I an turn over a new life, a new purpose, sever old baggage or forgive old resentments. And so I am taking that on.

Perhaps a way to get through your heartache is to create a new dream that you can focus on or have hope in happines that would come of it were true. A dream that is not based on anyone in the past, so that you aren't recycling the old entity but creating or seeking a new one. If you focus on finding a new love, it will be easier to weather the ache of an absent or ambivalent Amir.

Oh! That reminds me. With your tendency to gravitate towards sociopaths, there is a test that several states use in their criminal justice systems to rate a person's likelihood to be psychopathic. PLPR. There was a story last week about CA prisons using it to determine parole. You could obtain a copy of it and rate your beaus. If you think that maybe you'd do the rational thing and avoid high scores. Somehow, I don't think it would completely deter you.

I hope you are feeling better. I'm going to turtn on a country station, exercise and start something on paper for a LIVE/Die! Take care of yourself, Kel.

--Sarah

P.S. Just got your letter with the review of the Punch Drunk production. This just reconfirms what i said about your memoir and writing a section on paranormal or even writing the whole thing from that perspective of how signs or eventsd or messages from the Universe show up and shape your life.

The Magic page and Satine's link are indeed, a sign. Did I ever tell you how spells and magic helped me escape and run? I'm not saying you should put a love spell on Amir. Mabye the sign is to put a spell on yourself to ward off sociopaths and attract your best love partner. You won't be happy in love with someone who wasn't meant to be. If Amir is menat to be your love mate, then a spell for yourself will bring him back into the fold. If he is not, then you haven't lost anything except more heartache.

Yes, I use toothpaste for glue. MINTY FRESH! Glad you liked my card for you.

Tofranil is an anti-depressant that is the brand name for imipramine. It's a tricyclic anti-depressant used to treat a thing called enuresis, which I have been told that in kids, results in bedwetting, in adults, incontinence. The side effects I experience are hot at times (due to increased metabolism), increased nightmares for the first 3 weeks, and I wake up faster in the morning and stay awake, though there's an afternoon energy dip. All in all, it's really good for me. Perhaps you should try it.

Okay, off to shower and start my LIVE/Die!

Sarah