Kelly,
A strange Friday here. I feel a disturbance in the Universe but haven't quite figured what it is just yet. I used to ignore my intuition but it seemed that too many times when I did, I fucked myself, so I practice paying attention now. I don't want to lose my sense of it. In fact, I want to hone in on it. As a do do do society, we have less time and incentive to pay attention to intuitioin. CAT scans reveal medical issues, tigers aren't lurking outside our tent, security alarms alert us to burglars, and some sort of resonance imaging detects underground sources of water. Female intuition is slowly being replaced by technology.
I'm taking a break from writing. Spent the last 3 days putting together a fun chapter tentatively titled, "Heat and Happiness". It tells a story about when I was in Cinncinati (when I was out) and revolves around a conversation I had with a man in which I asked, "Are you happy?" I've asked this question to people before or other types of questions that not only reveal a lot about a person's character but also is an opening for deep philosophical discourse. Heat is sort of a vehicle through the chapter to tie in a bit about my past and otherwise unrelated information. I have like two pages to finish it., then I think I"ll go forward timewise until I get settled in Chicago, tentatively titled, "Lies, Lies, Lies". Of course, it continues my story chronologically, but addresses truth, honesty, integrity and lies in different contexts and ties in information about the prelude to my escape.
Handwiting a book is a lot of work. Whoever invented word processors was a genius.
You asked to see what I submitted to The Sun. Instead of rewriting it, I'll send you my copy. The version I sent to them only differs in a few words. The June's deadline topic was "The Office". If they decide to publish it, I'll be notified along with a copy of the version they want to print. THey edit pieces, sometimes heavily, probably for space, clarlity or literary aesthetics. I looked at the Reader's Write section in three issues and judge about how long they like the pieces to be. Since they publish about 20 submissions each month, I figure i have a better chance than a single month's publication that picks one longer piece. There are about 70,000 subscribers. Many teachers, authors, etc. so I'm sure there will be a lot of submissions. Thus I kept it short.
They have a June deadline for the October publication. I wrote the topics for the next couple of months in the margins. I may write something for August. Right now I"m working between my legal stuff,my book, letters and now on my to do list is to write a short piece for a Prisoner Support Network newsletter. The one thing about writing for me is how incredibly inadequate I feel the peices are. LIke who I am to write on this? or a background of fear that I'll look back in a year and be embarassed about how awful it is.
Do you get that?
[Ed.: I'm omitting some lesser important writing.]
Well here's to Love and Laughter---probably another chapter waiting to be written!
--Sarah
***
Here's her entry to the magazine under the topic "THE OFFICE":
Everyday under a brown, sport-billed hat and behind lightly tinted sunglasses, I hid. Glitter stars awakend in the heavens before I would expose my orbs to stolen glances and the foreign stares of potential enemies, especially metro bus riders. Being attractive and under 30 did not divert wandering eyes, but resorting to facial scarring, surgery or fake warts crossed a line for me. If cut and dye hair, street clothes, and thirty gained pounds weren't enough, then perhaps it wasn't worth doing.
My pervading paranoia retreated only when I was locked safely behind the door of my top-floor apartment or hidden at our remotely located office, but did not always remain at bay. Intense self-consciousness tailgated the HVAC repairman and hovered around me as he worked. Fear rode in on the shoulder of a BlackBerry-weilding businessman and sank it's claws into me. I could not help but wonder how these men planned their weekends.
While a desk, dual computers with an exposed tangle of wires, a monolithic electronic drafting board and racks and pyriamids of blueprints hogged my half of our single-room office, filing cabinets crowded around Petri and squeezed him into a corner. Petri made efficient use of limited space, packed his lunch, listened to Catholic radio in his car and was Shel's longest-lasting employee by far. I neer worried about Petri. He was too nice, too smart, too clean, too something to watch trashy dramatic American television on the few Saturday nights he wasn't keyboarding for his Polish rock band. Good Petri would never know and never tell.
I wondered about my boss, But not enough. No matter what time that I came or left work, how many personal phone calls or cigarette breaks that I took, Shel didn't complain. However, he clocked hours behind a wheel, not a desk.
She's real office was crammed mostly inside his head and what spilled over then littered the backseat of his truck. He trusted my reported hours, my story, and the million dollar figures I calculated. Sometimes when he came in with the setting sun to crunch last minute numbers, he'd sit next ot me facing a huge set of blueprints and press in close, knee touching knee, and softly brush my arm.
I considered trusting him in return and revealing my identity, but who was I? I missed who I used to be, was dissatisfied with who I had become, an suppressed who I wanted to be: freely expressed and authentic.
Though tempted by his promises of private weekend fishing and camping in a picturesque Wisconsin dell and wintere vacation in his home in Italy, I'd gently push his heavy, worn-worn hand off of my thigh and remind him I was gay, he wore a wedding ring, and we had a deadline to meet.
It wasn't luxury or freedom that he offered; it was just another prison living another life based on another lie, playing a stranger that I didn' t want to be. Looking back, I had sacrified another piece of myself. Shel would have been eating my fried eggplant or driving us back from the movie theater over snow-dusted strees on that Saturday night and I would still be playing Ashley Thompson. Instead he was home slouching in his recliner watching "America's Most Wanted" and now I am free. To be me. Behind concrete and wire once again---
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #87
Dear Kelly,
Once again my apologies for the delay in writing and mailing this letter to you. I had to take care of some minor but necessary legal work--hopefully the last until fall. In any event, always pleased to get back to writing and talking to one of my favorite people. I'm sure another letter will closely follow this one as there is much to say/but I am determined at least to make a start today!
First of all--thank you for clearing up the confusion (mine, not yours!) about your lovely and honest and (as it turns out) one-page "green letter". I will answer it in full---but first to more time-sensitive topics:
OK- Your 40th Birthday: Your story of your encounter with Emily Gould was uncomfortable, cringe-inducing, and very, very funny--all at the same time. That would be a great story to tell at one of your stand-up slams. Your "Cliff Notes" version of her book was brilliant begging with "Whiny narcissist moves to NYC..." If brevity is the Soul of Wit, your pithy summary has lots of soul, KK.
Lovely sexy (and sexual) photo. Trust me, Kelly, the "Sex and the City" women have nothing on you. And by the way, even more in the soft focus, your eyes and mouth are amazing. Also to quote Mrs. Cunningham in "Seinfeld": LOVE THE SHOES!
[Ed.: There was nothing sexy or sexual about the photo he was sent. It was the one I posted here of me in a knee-length, high-necked black dress with pink wedge heels. While I think I looked pretty and fashionable, it was totally demure.]
So again, happy 40th. Your best is ahead of you sexy lady. I'm sure of it. But remember all things considered you've done pretty well up until now.
One more thin on you and Ms. Gould: Do you not find it quite a coincidence that you both have a panic disorder and the somewhat rare disease of interstitial cystitis?
The best ending to this would be if you two could somehow become friends. Once you could both laugh about the "incident," maybe even good friends?
BTW: I have been involved in loving intense relationships with at least two women with whom I disagreed on so much.
[Ed.: I'm omitting a bunch of movie commentary.]
Your commens on the British elections are not unexpected! I've always been an Anglophile--their films, their authors, history and politics.
Once again---I love the fact that while we have so many things in common, there are also several subjects on which we are apples and oranges. But I must tell you that I am drawn to topics and ideas that someone whose opinion I respect either appreciates or espouses. Two examples from a recent post: Surrealism and Architecture. Because of the latter I have become fascinated with the Byzantine goings-on at the NY/NJ Port Authority and the (so-far) ten year epic mess to build something at Ground Zero.
So what this all means is that you do draw me in to your worlds of cooking and blogging---and I thank you!
Two subjects I am very surprised we haven't discussed, especially the first one:
>JONESTOWN: Nov 1978. KK, even with all the horrors that occurred since the late 70s, JONESTOWN remains a singular event in our history.
A full commentary and analysis at some point. You talk about obsession and sociopathy--how one man could cause 800+ people to commit suicide...to kill their own children.
>The novels of Bret Easton Ellis. I mention this now because his new book, Imperial Bedrooms, is apparently a sequel to the book that put him on th emap, his first novel, LESS THAN ZERO.
Yes, I am quite familiar with his brutally sadistic and misogynistic novel, American Psycho, which somehow also managed to perfectly capture the nihilistic materialsm of the late 1980s.
Obviously I have barely touched your most recent letter---a long fantastic letter where you answered three of mine. So that is where I will begin tomorrow or the next day.
Preview: Totally agree with you on the LOST finale. It was beautiful--for me to say that means it really was beautiful--and in keeping with the mantra, "Everything that Rises Must Converge". My full comments to follow--and do keep your eye out for a one or more articles on LOST that analyze the shit ouf of the finale and the entire series. Thanks. XOXO says Gossip Girl.
Much more to follow, Kelly. Thinking of you, stay safe and hope you get lots of warm weather this month.
Yours,
Michael
Once again my apologies for the delay in writing and mailing this letter to you. I had to take care of some minor but necessary legal work--hopefully the last until fall. In any event, always pleased to get back to writing and talking to one of my favorite people. I'm sure another letter will closely follow this one as there is much to say/but I am determined at least to make a start today!
First of all--thank you for clearing up the confusion (mine, not yours!) about your lovely and honest and (as it turns out) one-page "green letter". I will answer it in full---but first to more time-sensitive topics:
OK- Your 40th Birthday: Your story of your encounter with Emily Gould was uncomfortable, cringe-inducing, and very, very funny--all at the same time. That would be a great story to tell at one of your stand-up slams. Your "Cliff Notes" version of her book was brilliant begging with "Whiny narcissist moves to NYC..." If brevity is the Soul of Wit, your pithy summary has lots of soul, KK.
Lovely sexy (and sexual) photo. Trust me, Kelly, the "Sex and the City" women have nothing on you. And by the way, even more in the soft focus, your eyes and mouth are amazing. Also to quote Mrs. Cunningham in "Seinfeld": LOVE THE SHOES!
[Ed.: There was nothing sexy or sexual about the photo he was sent. It was the one I posted here of me in a knee-length, high-necked black dress with pink wedge heels. While I think I looked pretty and fashionable, it was totally demure.]
So again, happy 40th. Your best is ahead of you sexy lady. I'm sure of it. But remember all things considered you've done pretty well up until now.
One more thin on you and Ms. Gould: Do you not find it quite a coincidence that you both have a panic disorder and the somewhat rare disease of interstitial cystitis?
The best ending to this would be if you two could somehow become friends. Once you could both laugh about the "incident," maybe even good friends?
BTW: I have been involved in loving intense relationships with at least two women with whom I disagreed on so much.
[Ed.: I'm omitting a bunch of movie commentary.]
Your commens on the British elections are not unexpected! I've always been an Anglophile--their films, their authors, history and politics.
Once again---I love the fact that while we have so many things in common, there are also several subjects on which we are apples and oranges. But I must tell you that I am drawn to topics and ideas that someone whose opinion I respect either appreciates or espouses. Two examples from a recent post: Surrealism and Architecture. Because of the latter I have become fascinated with the Byzantine goings-on at the NY/NJ Port Authority and the (so-far) ten year epic mess to build something at Ground Zero.
So what this all means is that you do draw me in to your worlds of cooking and blogging---and I thank you!
Two subjects I am very surprised we haven't discussed, especially the first one:
>JONESTOWN: Nov 1978. KK, even with all the horrors that occurred since the late 70s, JONESTOWN remains a singular event in our history.
A full commentary and analysis at some point. You talk about obsession and sociopathy--how one man could cause 800+ people to commit suicide...to kill their own children.
>The novels of Bret Easton Ellis. I mention this now because his new book, Imperial Bedrooms, is apparently a sequel to the book that put him on th emap, his first novel, LESS THAN ZERO.
Yes, I am quite familiar with his brutally sadistic and misogynistic novel, American Psycho, which somehow also managed to perfectly capture the nihilistic materialsm of the late 1980s.
Obviously I have barely touched your most recent letter---a long fantastic letter where you answered three of mine. So that is where I will begin tomorrow or the next day.
Preview: Totally agree with you on the LOST finale. It was beautiful--for me to say that means it really was beautiful--and in keeping with the mantra, "Everything that Rises Must Converge". My full comments to follow--and do keep your eye out for a one or more articles on LOST that analyze the shit ouf of the finale and the entire series. Thanks. XOXO says Gossip Girl.
Much more to follow, Kelly. Thinking of you, stay safe and hope you get lots of warm weather this month.
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #35
Dear Kelly,
"It is apparent that I am still an immature asshole and that the Universe has a wicked sense of humor." That should be the opening line for a best-selling book. Yours, perhaps?
Your encounter with Emily Gould was quite a twist of fate. Perhaps it was something that she really needed to hear for her own growth. I am sure that plenty of people have blasted her in response to her attacks, but what you said was something honest, without a personal feeling--objective, I mean. Well, unless you secretly held her responsible in connection with your presence as an object on Gawker in general. But I doubt it. You gave your opinion and it counted. What I admired about the story was that you admitted the positive side of it--she did it, which is more than most people do. That takes something to put your life out there for people to judge. Part of the $ is made from her putting herself on the chopping block, so I wouldn't feel sorry for her. It's business. While business can be painful, she certainly knew what she was signing up for. You were the instrument of karma.
As a side note, if you had said those things with me at that signing, I likely would launch into my defense of Gould--something like, "Well, other than her job of being hateful to people for no reason---which I find quite distasteful, I think she's lead a unique life full of a lot of mundane things and a few extraordinary things. Kudos to her for making six figures on it. Although I hope she does something positive with it, beecause it sounds like she's an unhappy person under it all. Altoid anyone?
Honestly Kelly, it's a good story---yours. I am, however, interested in why you didn't talk to her more. I mean, you already insulted her, and she took it well. "Thanks for telling me." That, to me, would have been an opening. -- you already seeing that her book signing was a dud, you couldv'e taken the opportunity to talk to her on a personal level. It's not like you were being hateful, just critical.
Of course, I talk to everyone like they were my neighbors.
Amir is a jerk. But you already knew what he wanted in the beginning and he proved he is dedicated to being a womanizer. It's something in him about a need for attention and domination. HIs money just allows him to do it big. I'm guessing that your reluctance to have sex with him made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Hence, the withdrawal, but also his continued attraction. My guess is also that if you were drooling all over him and gave it up, that his attention would stay on you only until he got bored. Some men seriously see women as objects. Shiny new cars. It's only a matter of time for them before something more interesting comes along. I think he deserves to be an object of a rant. You are especially good at those and he screams to be called out [anonymously.] Besides, I find it amusing.
Yes, I am luckly to be able to eat a vegetable diet. The food is often only half-edible, but that's enough for me. Soggy bread, uncooked beans, salad swimming in dressing, applesauce leaking into greens, or rice cooked to mush. But there's always fruit and usually potatoes--pretty hard to mess those up. Besides, it's a good diet plan.
You looked cute on your birthday. I forgot that you are the queen of black, white and red. I bet you have a dozen little black dresses. I enjoyed dressing up when I was out. I am determined to do plenty of it when I get our for real.
In fact, I called home today and my mother said there was good news, but the phone cut off and I can't call back because there's a limit on the number of calls (2) I can make each week. I'll hae to wait until Monday's visit to find out. A little excited.
I am more engaged, but as the physical effects have worn off, I have been doing every coping skill, every exercise I can think of to get better. I am left with feelings of apathy, sadness, still getting lost in staring, exacerbated nervous habits, unusual irritation and anger, and a constant low grade anxiety with heightened periods of fear, sometimes for no reason, but usually when I think of, look at, and read about my legal issues. I still have not been able to see a doctor. I am going to ask about physical vs. mental if I ever getthere. Yours are good suggestions.
Did I tell you that I finally wrote my submission to the Sun? I will probably write another one for the August deadline--"Making it Last". Have you ever submitted? Were you published on MrBeller'sNeighborhood? One day, you'll be motivated to write a book.
I'm so very tired. Crying always makes me tired. I hate that. I'm so over feeling crappy. And I'm over being in prison. I'm ready for some justice. And a soft pillow, on a soft bed, in the dark, in total silence, next to a warm, sexy body.
Yeah.
Do you konw anything about Cotard's Syndrome? I don't but someone mentioned it.
Be well.
Peace,
Sarah
"It is apparent that I am still an immature asshole and that the Universe has a wicked sense of humor." That should be the opening line for a best-selling book. Yours, perhaps?
Your encounter with Emily Gould was quite a twist of fate. Perhaps it was something that she really needed to hear for her own growth. I am sure that plenty of people have blasted her in response to her attacks, but what you said was something honest, without a personal feeling--objective, I mean. Well, unless you secretly held her responsible in connection with your presence as an object on Gawker in general. But I doubt it. You gave your opinion and it counted. What I admired about the story was that you admitted the positive side of it--she did it, which is more than most people do. That takes something to put your life out there for people to judge. Part of the $ is made from her putting herself on the chopping block, so I wouldn't feel sorry for her. It's business. While business can be painful, she certainly knew what she was signing up for. You were the instrument of karma.
As a side note, if you had said those things with me at that signing, I likely would launch into my defense of Gould--something like, "Well, other than her job of being hateful to people for no reason---which I find quite distasteful, I think she's lead a unique life full of a lot of mundane things and a few extraordinary things. Kudos to her for making six figures on it. Although I hope she does something positive with it, beecause it sounds like she's an unhappy person under it all. Altoid anyone?
Honestly Kelly, it's a good story---yours. I am, however, interested in why you didn't talk to her more. I mean, you already insulted her, and she took it well. "Thanks for telling me." That, to me, would have been an opening. -- you already seeing that her book signing was a dud, you couldv'e taken the opportunity to talk to her on a personal level. It's not like you were being hateful, just critical.
Of course, I talk to everyone like they were my neighbors.
Amir is a jerk. But you already knew what he wanted in the beginning and he proved he is dedicated to being a womanizer. It's something in him about a need for attention and domination. HIs money just allows him to do it big. I'm guessing that your reluctance to have sex with him made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Hence, the withdrawal, but also his continued attraction. My guess is also that if you were drooling all over him and gave it up, that his attention would stay on you only until he got bored. Some men seriously see women as objects. Shiny new cars. It's only a matter of time for them before something more interesting comes along. I think he deserves to be an object of a rant. You are especially good at those and he screams to be called out [anonymously.] Besides, I find it amusing.
Yes, I am luckly to be able to eat a vegetable diet. The food is often only half-edible, but that's enough for me. Soggy bread, uncooked beans, salad swimming in dressing, applesauce leaking into greens, or rice cooked to mush. But there's always fruit and usually potatoes--pretty hard to mess those up. Besides, it's a good diet plan.
You looked cute on your birthday. I forgot that you are the queen of black, white and red. I bet you have a dozen little black dresses. I enjoyed dressing up when I was out. I am determined to do plenty of it when I get our for real.
In fact, I called home today and my mother said there was good news, but the phone cut off and I can't call back because there's a limit on the number of calls (2) I can make each week. I'll hae to wait until Monday's visit to find out. A little excited.
I am more engaged, but as the physical effects have worn off, I have been doing every coping skill, every exercise I can think of to get better. I am left with feelings of apathy, sadness, still getting lost in staring, exacerbated nervous habits, unusual irritation and anger, and a constant low grade anxiety with heightened periods of fear, sometimes for no reason, but usually when I think of, look at, and read about my legal issues. I still have not been able to see a doctor. I am going to ask about physical vs. mental if I ever getthere. Yours are good suggestions.
Did I tell you that I finally wrote my submission to the Sun? I will probably write another one for the August deadline--"Making it Last". Have you ever submitted? Were you published on MrBeller'sNeighborhood? One day, you'll be motivated to write a book.
I'm so very tired. Crying always makes me tired. I hate that. I'm so over feeling crappy. And I'm over being in prison. I'm ready for some justice. And a soft pillow, on a soft bed, in the dark, in total silence, next to a warm, sexy body.
Yeah.
Do you konw anything about Cotard's Syndrome? I don't but someone mentioned it.
Be well.
Peace,
Sarah
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #86
I had recently sent Swango a letter asking him several questions about his crimes. I asked if he had the urge to poison still and also because he wrote about how fascinated he is with Lady GaGa's recent Telephone video I asked him if it had to do with the poison theme. His answers are intriguing:
I will just type in the portions that relate to this from his latest letter as they are the only ones of note:
>The answer to your question is absolutely not. No uncontrollable urge, Kelly. No urge at all. I know that part of you (for some reason) doesn't want that to be true, but it is.
You are bright, very intelligent, OCD-tolerant, a necessity for someone who has the same to varying degrees, most attractive in that "Lea MIchelle/Catherine Keener sort of way! (This is an amazing compliment, KK.) The only thing I'm unclear about is your sexual energy and passion. But again--that is so dependent on the sexual emotional partner. There are so many places to go and things I would love to do with you. You are an amazing woman in so many ways...
>Since you asked, here' s a bit of "behind the curtain" insight for you: When you say that something was "my thing" ( Ed: I said clearly killing via poison is his thing.) believe me so much more. So when I see that GaGa video, I think what is she using? Would it work? What should she use? etc. etc. Almost second nature--just analysis of the situation. Like you might analyze a restaurant meal from a cook's perspective.
I will just type in the portions that relate to this from his latest letter as they are the only ones of note:
>The answer to your question is absolutely not. No uncontrollable urge, Kelly. No urge at all. I know that part of you (for some reason) doesn't want that to be true, but it is.
You are bright, very intelligent, OCD-tolerant, a necessity for someone who has the same to varying degrees, most attractive in that "Lea MIchelle/Catherine Keener sort of way! (This is an amazing compliment, KK.) The only thing I'm unclear about is your sexual energy and passion. But again--that is so dependent on the sexual emotional partner. There are so many places to go and things I would love to do with you. You are an amazing woman in so many ways...
>Since you asked, here' s a bit of "behind the curtain" insight for you: When you say that something was "my thing" ( Ed: I said clearly killing via poison is his thing.) believe me so much more. So when I see that GaGa video, I think what is she using? Would it work? What should she use? etc. etc. Almost second nature--just analysis of the situation. Like you might analyze a restaurant meal from a cook's perspective.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #84&5
A few entries back I spoke about a letter sent to Swango that [BridgetJonesing] actually wrote and suggested I send. He was clearly titilated and spoke about it at length in his previously posted letter. In these two subsequent letters, he mentions it again. I will not be scanning them as they are long and filled with the mundane, so instead, I will just type in the more noteworthy portions. Warning: His letter is extremely sexual.
Hello Storm Cloud (per your suggestion)!
See? It just doesn't have the same effect. Sounds like the name of a child born to hippie paretns in 1970 who had set up a commune on a Native American reservation.
[Ed.: redacting Iron Man 2 commentary.]
So KK--you are now two days into your 41st year. I know you said you had no plans, but I can't believe that one or more of your friends would not do something for your 40th. This is when you need a couple of GBFs (Gay Best Friends) to totally boost your spirits and provide hunky disease-free, vasceomized uber-male to totally "do you" every which way to Sunday---with lots of hot orgasmic sex to of all varieties. OR they could take you to a Broadway show, I suppose...
As I said in my post-birthday note: your 40s will be fantastic if you allow them to happy: economically, emotionally, and sexually. Keep up the yoga--it can do wonders for the last two. When you find the right man to share your body with, he will love your ability to bend and twist and... As will you!
[Ed.: I have repeatedly told him to refrain from any sexual references, commentary or discussion.]
Unless you mentioned "Amir" in your incomplete letter (I await the missing pages or everything you can remember that you wrote), you did not mention him in your other letters. Do I are to know? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear "do it" in the woods? Of course I want to know! I love hearing about your dates and infatuations--it's like Catherine Keener channeling LIndsay Lohan!
Super dumb lovesick..PINING. So who is he, where did you meet him, you clearly like him, does he like you? Or only as a "friend"? Is there hope for a deeper relationship in the future?
[Ed.: He writes out the lyrics to the Grease song with the chorus: "Tell Me More."]
Actually in keeping with your adorable teenage girl crush motif, let me ask a Seinfeld questoin and a Chelsea Lately answer:
SEIN: Ok, you like him but do you like him like him?
CH: Do you want penetration with him. Have you imagined penetration with him?
By the way, you fit in with my theory (still a work in progress) that every adult man and woman has some amount of teenager within them. It is essential to life. Me for instance: I watch Gossip Girl,90201 (OMG!) and of course Vampire Diaries.
[Ed.: I am redacting LOST commentary.]
Your court hallway encounter with your "sociopath" sounded genuinely creepy. More than the actual events of his interactions with you (although I want to know every detail when you are able to discuss it...) I am fascinated by your very first interactions with him. How you met him; what you thought of him at first; when you first realized there was something "off".
You've never said if you two had intimate sexual relations, although it seems likely given how close you were to him and for how long. If so--when you can discuss it--I will have some very specific questions which I hope by then you will feel "open" enough to answer, without holding back.
See what you are able to draw from me, Kelly? My God, if the man (men?) who captures your heart---if you are able to draw that much from his mind and body--you will not only be conversing 24/7 but you will be very pregnant!
[Ed.: redacting his closing which references more tv shows.]
Hello Storm Cloud (per your suggestion)!
See? It just doesn't have the same effect. Sounds like the name of a child born to hippie paretns in 1970 who had set up a commune on a Native American reservation.
[Ed.: redacting Iron Man 2 commentary.]
So KK--you are now two days into your 41st year. I know you said you had no plans, but I can't believe that one or more of your friends would not do something for your 40th. This is when you need a couple of GBFs (Gay Best Friends) to totally boost your spirits and provide hunky disease-free, vasceomized uber-male to totally "do you" every which way to Sunday---with lots of hot orgasmic sex to of all varieties. OR they could take you to a Broadway show, I suppose...
As I said in my post-birthday note: your 40s will be fantastic if you allow them to happy: economically, emotionally, and sexually. Keep up the yoga--it can do wonders for the last two. When you find the right man to share your body with, he will love your ability to bend and twist and... As will you!
[Ed.: I have repeatedly told him to refrain from any sexual references, commentary or discussion.]
Unless you mentioned "Amir" in your incomplete letter (I await the missing pages or everything you can remember that you wrote), you did not mention him in your other letters. Do I are to know? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear "do it" in the woods? Of course I want to know! I love hearing about your dates and infatuations--it's like Catherine Keener channeling LIndsay Lohan!
Super dumb lovesick..PINING. So who is he, where did you meet him, you clearly like him, does he like you? Or only as a "friend"? Is there hope for a deeper relationship in the future?
[Ed.: He writes out the lyrics to the Grease song with the chorus: "Tell Me More."]
Actually in keeping with your adorable teenage girl crush motif, let me ask a Seinfeld questoin and a Chelsea Lately answer:
SEIN: Ok, you like him but do you like him like him?
CH: Do you want penetration with him. Have you imagined penetration with him?
By the way, you fit in with my theory (still a work in progress) that every adult man and woman has some amount of teenager within them. It is essential to life. Me for instance: I watch Gossip Girl,90201 (OMG!) and of course Vampire Diaries.
[Ed.: I am redacting LOST commentary.]
Your court hallway encounter with your "sociopath" sounded genuinely creepy. More than the actual events of his interactions with you (although I want to know every detail when you are able to discuss it...) I am fascinated by your very first interactions with him. How you met him; what you thought of him at first; when you first realized there was something "off".
You've never said if you two had intimate sexual relations, although it seems likely given how close you were to him and for how long. If so--when you can discuss it--I will have some very specific questions which I hope by then you will feel "open" enough to answer, without holding back.
See what you are able to draw from me, Kelly? My God, if the man (men?) who captures your heart---if you are able to draw that much from his mind and body--you will not only be conversing 24/7 but you will be very pregnant!
[Ed.: redacting his closing which references more tv shows.]
