Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #35

Dear Kelly,

"It is apparent that I am still an immature asshole and that the Universe has a wicked sense of humor." That should be the opening line for a best-selling book. Yours, perhaps?

Your encounter with Emily Gould was quite a twist of fate. Perhaps it was something that she really needed to hear for her own growth. I am sure that plenty of people have blasted her in response to her attacks, but what you said was something honest, without a personal feeling--objective, I mean. Well, unless you secretly held her responsible in connection with your presence as an object on Gawker in general. But I doubt it. You gave your opinion and it counted. What I admired about the story was that you admitted the positive side of it--she did it, which is more than most people do. That takes something to put your life out there for people to judge. Part of the $ is made from her putting herself on the chopping block, so I wouldn't feel sorry for her. It's business. While business can be painful, she certainly knew what she was signing up for. You were the instrument of karma.

As a side note, if you had said those things with me at that signing, I likely would launch into my defense of Gould--something like, "Well, other than her job of being hateful to people for no reason---which I find quite distasteful, I think she's lead a unique life full of a lot of mundane things and a few extraordinary things. Kudos to her for making six figures on it. Although I hope she does something positive with it, beecause it sounds like she's an unhappy person under it all. Altoid anyone?

Honestly Kelly, it's a good story---yours. I am, however, interested in why you didn't talk to her more. I mean, you already insulted her, and she took it well. "Thanks for telling me." That, to me, would have been an opening. -- you already seeing that her book signing was a dud, you couldv'e taken the opportunity to talk to her on a personal level. It's not like you were being hateful, just critical.

Of course, I talk to everyone like they were my neighbors.

Amir is a jerk. But you already knew what he wanted in the beginning and he proved he is dedicated to being a womanizer. It's something in him about a need for attention and domination. HIs money just allows him to do it big. I'm guessing that your reluctance to have sex with him made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Hence, the withdrawal, but also his continued attraction. My guess is also that if you were drooling all over him and gave it up, that his attention would stay on you only until he got bored. Some men seriously see women as objects. Shiny new cars. It's only a matter of time for them before something more interesting comes along. I think he deserves to be an object of a rant. You are especially good at those and he screams to be called out [anonymously.] Besides, I find it amusing.

Yes, I am luckly to be able to eat a vegetable diet. The food is often only half-edible, but that's enough for me. Soggy bread, uncooked beans, salad swimming in dressing, applesauce leaking into greens, or rice cooked to mush. But there's always fruit and usually potatoes--pretty hard to mess those up. Besides, it's a good diet plan.

You looked cute on your birthday. I forgot that you are the queen of black, white and red. I bet you have a dozen little black dresses. I enjoyed dressing up when I was out. I am determined to do plenty of it when I get our for real.

In fact, I called home today and my mother said there was good news, but the phone cut off and I can't call back because there's a limit on the number of calls (2) I can make each week. I'll hae to wait until Monday's visit to find out. A little excited.

I am more engaged, but as the physical effects have worn off, I have been doing every coping skill, every exercise I can think of to get better. I am left with feelings of apathy, sadness, still getting lost in staring, exacerbated nervous habits, unusual irritation and anger, and a constant low grade anxiety with heightened periods of fear, sometimes for no reason, but usually when I think of, look at, and read about my legal issues. I still have not been able to see a doctor. I am going to ask about physical vs. mental if I ever getthere. Yours are good suggestions.

Did I tell you that I finally wrote my submission to the Sun? I will probably write another one for the August deadline--"Making it Last". Have you ever submitted? Were you published on MrBeller'sNeighborhood? One day, you'll be motivated to write a book.

I'm so very tired. Crying always makes me tired. I hate that. I'm so over feeling crappy. And I'm over being in prison. I'm ready for some justice. And a soft pillow, on a soft bed, in the dark, in total silence, next to a warm, sexy body.

Yeah.

Do you konw anything about Cotard's Syndrome? I don't but someone mentioned it.

Be well.

Peace,

Sarah