Kelly,
It's always a joy to receive a letter from you. After all the dumb shit you've put up with from Reid, he destroys the relationship and blames it on you. This is what I see: Reid is deeply committed to being right, looking good, and avoiding looking bad. (All very human traits.) He does stuff like cheating on Scrabble, then lying about it, then defending himself when you accuse him and then finally, attacking you when you accused him of insulting your intelligence so he could be right about you dissolving the relationship.
This has nothing to do with you, Kelly. Not your superior [to his] Scrabble skills, not your OCD, not your choice in men...none of it. It's all about Reid. He is so committed to being right that he will sacrifice his integrity, and be a slave to his own emotions and self-consciousness. He will offend others, lose relationships, and live in a completely inauthentic world. Because he must be right.
Imagine how terrible that must be for him. He lives inside a commitment that runs his life. (And pissed you off.)
I write this as an alternative to seeing Reid as an asshole who insults your intelligence, instead, as a person who is run by his own invisible (to him) story that he must be right, must look good and must avoid looking bad. This shifts the point of view from you being a victim of his selfishness to him being a victim of his own commitment to being right. So you get that? The effects, actions, don't change. He cheats. You confront. He lies. You confront. He insults you. But if you shift your perspective what does that create? Well, instead of experiencing anger and frustration, perhaps you feel compassion and pity for him, and are able to avoid negative emotions. Basically, you give up being right about him being an asshole and in return, you have a more peaceful state of mind, and you grant him the ability to be himself: someone who cheats, lies and insults his friends, instead of making him wrong for it.
Now, I'm not suggesting you actually do this. It may not work you you--perhaps you like being right about his assholeness. Not a problem. Just know that you have a choice about how you experience your life. You can experience it as a victim of Reid's asshole tendencies, or you can experience it as a compassionate friend who grants being to someone's generally annoying tendencies that he cannot help because he is run by the invisible commitment to being right. But you don't have to be run by it. You have a choice.
That's the exact same thing I was talking about when it comes to responsibility. I can look at myself as a victim of Rick's actions, or I an have compassion about what inside him, what story in his head, what commitment ran him to kill Trish and Drew. It's easy to look at people and situations and point out what is bad and wrong. Well, I'm not interested in being judgemental. I'm interested in understanding. Sure, there are times when I get angry and feel helpless about getting a retardedly unfair trial and sentence. There was a moment I considered helping Rick escape prison just so I could have the opportunity to beat him thoroughly for what he did to me. But those feleings of anger don't feel good to me, the fear, shame, anger, etc. -- so I choose instead of being a victim, to 1) understand him and have compassion 2) take responsibility for all the choices I made in my life that helped me get to this point. It's simply a shift of perspective that gives me a choice in how I experience life. Negative vs. Positive. Victim vs. Powerful. I choose the latter because the past will never change, but I can have some say in how my present and future feel and go.
That is my point. NOT that Drew and Trish are responsible. Not that I am responsible. I'm not telling you these things are the truth. or reality. What are those? I'm only saying that by shifting into that p.o.v., I make my life better. I givem yself a choice how I go through life.
In your case (or anyone else) I'd never tell you that something's your fault or responsibility. I can't tell you how you experience your life. And I am not into making people wrong. If you had died because of you ex I would not think it was all your responsibility, but I could come up with a shift where it coudl be, if you wanted it to be. I am not telling you what reality is. I'm telling you that you have a choice in what your experience of reality is. You have the power.
Does that make sense?
[Ed: I didn't tell her anything about John. I merely told her that my interest in writing to prisoners was sparked by an infortunate experience I had with an ex-relationship where a man I dated did something could have killed me.]
And I totally appreciate you sharing a little bit around that mystery blog.[Ed.: I had sent her John's three blog entries, without explanation, asking her to merely read them and tell me what she thought of the narrator.] I trusted that you had a good reason to withhold that info--to keep my opinion unbiased. I wonder if you've gained any insight about sociopath's from writing to prisoners. Honestly I don't even know what indicates someone is a sociopath, except that they are rooted in anger and antisocial behavior. That idiot News reporter asked me if I was a sociopath. I have never felt or exhibited irrational anger; I am one of the most forgiving and kind people in the world. Anti-social: Shit. I never met a stranger. What, exactly, is a sociopath?
I totally understand you not feeling comfortable about talking about an open law case. Not a problem. I don't take it personally. [Ed.: I am redacting a portion where she tries to guess what my ex- might have done that could have ended up killing me. She is very perceptive, so I am redacting that portion.]
Besides, I like your rants. It's fun to make people wrong. Especially when they are such pieces of work.
Poor Mini! Anytime animals or children get hurt or cry, it elicits this intense hormonal response in me. It's a maternal thing. I think. First, human fight/flight adrenaline--because hurt and danger. Then it being something/someone you care for. What hurts/scares them, hurts/scares you. I would have cried too, Kelly. [Ed.: She is referencing what I wrote about how a dog lunged and nipped Mini and he screamed so loud and I started crying, scared for him.]
I like that you had a date this week, especially with someone employed and ambitious. I like his Mormon story. And his friend's affair with the LOST woman. Makes for good stories. Was there any chemistry there? Any follow up dates planned? (Way better than Reidtard.)
Thanks for the clarification about FB. Mom says there's a blog option on MySpace and that's where she posts now b/c wordpress is hard for people to find. I guess it's getting good traffic. I posted some new ones last week you'd like.
I also received a request for an interview for the cable tv show, "I Almost Got Away With It" about fugitives. It's documentary style for the Discovery Channel. Ever see it? What do you think?
It's late. I hope you are well and your life is looking better for you. I think your life if neat.
-<3Sarah
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #77
I'm pasting in scans of his recent, relatively short letter. However, he always adds enclosures. I don't usually mention them, but today's are fairly noteworthy.
The first is about HENRIETTA LACKS. I have learned so much from writing to these prisoners. Particularly because most of them have genius level IQs. Prisoners can be servicey! Here's the article from USA Today about Henrietta Lacks.
The second noteworthy article is about how choking is perceived by the law in NY. I did not know this and it is worrisome both because it is not considered illegal to choke someone and because Swango, being a murderer and all, sent it.
The last noteworthy article is about Doctors Without Morals. It's more uh-oh funny than ha-ha funny and the irony is not lost on Swango who comments on how he realizes it is ironic he is sending this along.
And now onto the letter:
The first is about HENRIETTA LACKS. I have learned so much from writing to these prisoners. Particularly because most of them have genius level IQs. Prisoners can be servicey! Here's the article from USA Today about Henrietta Lacks.
The second noteworthy article is about how choking is perceived by the law in NY. I did not know this and it is worrisome both because it is not considered illegal to choke someone and because Swango, being a murderer and all, sent it.
The last noteworthy article is about Doctors Without Morals. It's more uh-oh funny than ha-ha funny and the irony is not lost on Swango who comments on how he realizes it is ironic he is sending this along.
And now onto the letter:
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The 48 Laws of Power
In John Hughes' (serial killer, not film director) interview, he quoted the 48 Laws of Power aka The Sociopath's Handbook. I had never heard of it so I looked it up:
48 Laws of Power
48 Laws of Power
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Letters from the Inside: Who Will I Write to Next?
So it has become a rather gruesome hobby of mine to read anything and everything relating to sociopathy. Psychology today has a great blog and one of their Psychologist writers and I email with each other now. He'll send me interesting stuff about the subject when it comes up. Swango also sends me articles about sociopaths and sociopathy. I subscribe to LOVEFRAUD the website devoted to people coping with having dealt with one. I watch AMW, 48 Hours Mystery and anything else that is a true crime show that deals with a sociopath.
Next on my list of sociopaths to write to is:
1) Christian Gerhartsreiter (Otherwise known as Clark Rockefeller). I have followed his case for about two years and Lifetime had a movie this weekend about his life. I'm fascinated but writing to him is a bit risky because even though he is suspected of killing a couple years ago, he only got five years in prison for kidnapping his daughter. So he is up for parole next year. Risky!
2) Joel Rifkin: Famous serial killer. I've known about him for years but have never really cared. However, I just got a letter from Chris Porco who is housed with him in Clinton Correctional. He is also housed with creepy Peter Braunstein. I'm tossing the idea of writing to Rifkin because the day he met Chris he said, "Today is a good day for a triple homicide." I'm not sure why that tickles me, but it really does. Imagine this guy's status updates if he had a FaceBook page!
3) John Hughes: He is in the news right now. He was in jail for another offense but decided to negotiate and confess to multiple murders. I suggest you watch all three parts of his interview. He is really interesting. The thing that strikes me is he is kind of charming and pretty smart. They all are of above average intelligence. However, in watching Hughes go on and on in this interview I got the strong sense he is lying. I suspect he is not a serial killer at all. I am not dying that he is a huge narcissist with delusions of grandeur but I think he is making all the killing stuff up to get fame. I think it feeds his ego. Only time will tell, but he seems to be skirting around the murders and saying he was not the killer in most of them but was involved. Something is very fishy. I think we are going to find out he had nothing to do with serial killing. I think he is hoping to get infamy. He also seems to love to talk about himself so I think he'd be a good person to write to.
Next on my list of sociopaths to write to is:
1) Christian Gerhartsreiter (Otherwise known as Clark Rockefeller). I have followed his case for about two years and Lifetime had a movie this weekend about his life. I'm fascinated but writing to him is a bit risky because even though he is suspected of killing a couple years ago, he only got five years in prison for kidnapping his daughter. So he is up for parole next year. Risky!
2) Joel Rifkin: Famous serial killer. I've known about him for years but have never really cared. However, I just got a letter from Chris Porco who is housed with him in Clinton Correctional. He is also housed with creepy Peter Braunstein. I'm tossing the idea of writing to Rifkin because the day he met Chris he said, "Today is a good day for a triple homicide." I'm not sure why that tickles me, but it really does. Imagine this guy's status updates if he had a FaceBook page!
3) John Hughes: He is in the news right now. He was in jail for another offense but decided to negotiate and confess to multiple murders. I suggest you watch all three parts of his interview. He is really interesting. The thing that strikes me is he is kind of charming and pretty smart. They all are of above average intelligence. However, in watching Hughes go on and on in this interview I got the strong sense he is lying. I suspect he is not a serial killer at all. I am not dying that he is a huge narcissist with delusions of grandeur but I think he is making all the killing stuff up to get fame. I think it feeds his ego. Only time will tell, but he seems to be skirting around the murders and saying he was not the killer in most of them but was involved. Something is very fishy. I think we are going to find out he had nothing to do with serial killing. I think he is hoping to get infamy. He also seems to love to talk about himself so I think he'd be a good person to write to.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #30
Dear Kelly,
HI! Just got another letter from you last night. THey shoved my mail under the door at close to 10:30pm which normally happens at 6:30pm, and this time I was asleep. The soft whoosh of paper over painted cement woke me. (I am sensitive to noise.) I rolled over and looked at two envelopes, one red, one white with red markings, and contemplated how important they were to me. I quickly did a cost/benefit analysis, rolled over and went back to sleep.
This morning I got up, ate breakfast, washed my face, went to rec and painted w/watercolors and then showered before my visit. Now I'm back, read your letter and pasted blogs, and I am left wondering about this project, but I'll play along.
[Ed.: She is referring to the blog entries I sent to her asking her what she thought of that person. I gave her no other info. and wanted to see what her unbiased assessment the writer would be. Unbeknownst to her, the blogger is someone I believe to be a sociopath. I wondered if it would take one to know one... Her answer is most interesting.]
I only read them over once, and I now realize, backwards in time order. But here is what I am left with as a first impression: The writer is trying very hard to focus on these abstract aspects of life (that seems to be "IN" right now) but so abstract that its hard to stay focused. It doesn't speak to me at all, because it's so fucking abstract. I get his poits, but my question is "so what?" Like all of it is valid, but totally uninteresting because he isn't a concrete real person. I felt more connected to the "friends" he talked about than to him. LIfe's a struggle. Like that is an original idea... Be willing to change your life, not figure out what willingness is.
He examines questions, makes decisions about what might be good or how he should look at a situation, but I can see NO action. It's like a man trapped on an island of paradise who spends so much time theorizing about the origin of the exotic plants or animals that he starves to death.
When I am done reading this, I feel like I'm starving. LIke I need application. I dont' want to hear about how to prove a theorum if I'm not going to be showin how to solve for C. While he's marveling at a2+b2=C2, I'm twelve miles ahead down the yellow brick road.
Don't let the flying monkeys get you!
Once Igot to the last blog, which was actually his intro, I got the point, but its a contradiction. It's not about how to develop the Good Parts Version of his life; it's what he think about how he mightgo about it and the nature of doing it. What ONE action has he taken?
I want to hear about how he lost his job, how he's dealing with that, what action he took next, how his relationship exploded, what he's doing about it now, and what are his deepest heart's desires that he'll choose to go after, regardlessif he resists or not.
How's that?
Thank you for your feedback about victim/blame/personal responsibility, and Drew and Trish. You disagree. Okay. I get what you said. And I agree with you on most of it, because we are talking about two different things. I was talking about responsibility. You were talking about deserving blame. What is the difference?
MORALITY.
Being responsible for something happening to me DOES NOT equate hat I deserved it. If I touch an exposed wire and electrocute msyelf, I am responsible for touching it, and responsible for my own death. My family might say that it was the renovation contractor's responsibility to cap off the wire, and that their negligence caused my death. No, it didn't. That exposed wire couldv'e existed there for forever, never harming anyone. It didn't hurt me until I touched it. The wire was the instrument of death, and the contractors left it there, therefore in a court of law, they'd be responsible for wrongful death or negligence, or whatever, sharing some of the responsibility for my death. Did I deserve to die? Because I was dumb and touched a wire! Absolutely not. But I am responsible for touching it. No one made me. We can spread the responsibility around but ultimately, I own some of it. Just like Drew and Trish own some of the responsibility for their own deaths. That somehow offends you, because you feel like I'm saying they deserved to die. No way.
My point was how they contributed to their own deaths, just as I contributed to my own electrocution. Or if I was wandering around in an abandoned house, fell through a floor and broke my neck, do we blame the rotten wood? The termites? The owner for not putting up an electric fence to keep nosy people out? The original construction workers? The trees that made the wood? God? or myself who was dumb enough to respass into a house I knew was dangerous? And the point there is that it's POINTLESS to go around placing blame. What good does it do? Where does it end? The more powerful stand is to take as much responsibility as I can, because it gives me the power to cause, instead of being a helpless victim. Rick was the instrument of death. He deserves his share of the responsibility. ABSOLUTELY. And recognizing Trish and Drew also share some of the responsibility does not mean they deserved it. It was simply an outcome. The conversation did not exist in a wrong or right context. I'm sorry if I hadn't made that clear.
To answer your question, it was a fight over debt that sparked the actual murders, but it had been building for a long time, tension between two violent men, and although I don't believe he specifically planned it, because if he did, he did a lousy job of it, he had entertained the idea of, and taken steps towards.
I didn't see any footage of the tsunami in Hawaii because I don't watch regular TV. Was it bad? I guess there was a 6.8 aftershock yesterday in Chile. NUTS.
Congratulations! So, is it Mr. Bellers that wants your two pieces of writing? Or someplace else? And did you specifically submit these? or did they finmd them on your blog? This is great! See? I told you your writing rocks. They said it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master any skill. With as much as you write, you are getting close!
I'm going to propose word processors.
Yes, I do know why my friend killed her patient. Officially, he asked her to, as he has a painful condition that even morphone couldn't surpress. Even so, murder is murder.
I am enjoying learning how to watercolor paint. I'm doing it by trial and error for now, but may in the future get some books on it if it keeps my interest. I'm sending all my stuff to my mom, mostly. I thinmk she's going to keep what she wants and sell or raffle off the others to raise money for a legal fund. I'm totally enjoying the creative outlet and relaxation it brings. I've been drawing more too. Just getting out a need to express. Out of that, I was inspired for the cover design of my book. (*Gramatically that sentence sucked.) It had been vexing me. It is now clear. I'm excited.
Mom's going to type the blogs this week and post them, but from now on, I'm paying a company to transcribe and post. It's a $10 setup feed and 50 cents per page. As long as they are reliable, it seems fair to me. We'll see.
I'd love to read the 2nd piece you got published.
Oh, I just read your request about what I felt about the person behind the blogs. I'd say he had potential for rocking his life if he could move forward. He'd be good for general conversation, I think, but not as a good friend. Good for dinner parties and fun outings, but he doesn't scream prime friend material. But I could be wrong. I like that he's examining his life. And that he seems to want enlightenment. Well, I want to win the lottery. It won't work if I don't buy a ticket.
Take care!
<3Sarah
HI! Just got another letter from you last night. THey shoved my mail under the door at close to 10:30pm which normally happens at 6:30pm, and this time I was asleep. The soft whoosh of paper over painted cement woke me. (I am sensitive to noise.) I rolled over and looked at two envelopes, one red, one white with red markings, and contemplated how important they were to me. I quickly did a cost/benefit analysis, rolled over and went back to sleep.
This morning I got up, ate breakfast, washed my face, went to rec and painted w/watercolors and then showered before my visit. Now I'm back, read your letter and pasted blogs, and I am left wondering about this project, but I'll play along.
[Ed.: She is referring to the blog entries I sent to her asking her what she thought of that person. I gave her no other info. and wanted to see what her unbiased assessment the writer would be. Unbeknownst to her, the blogger is someone I believe to be a sociopath. I wondered if it would take one to know one... Her answer is most interesting.]
I only read them over once, and I now realize, backwards in time order. But here is what I am left with as a first impression: The writer is trying very hard to focus on these abstract aspects of life (that seems to be "IN" right now) but so abstract that its hard to stay focused. It doesn't speak to me at all, because it's so fucking abstract. I get his poits, but my question is "so what?" Like all of it is valid, but totally uninteresting because he isn't a concrete real person. I felt more connected to the "friends" he talked about than to him. LIfe's a struggle. Like that is an original idea... Be willing to change your life, not figure out what willingness is.
He examines questions, makes decisions about what might be good or how he should look at a situation, but I can see NO action. It's like a man trapped on an island of paradise who spends so much time theorizing about the origin of the exotic plants or animals that he starves to death.
When I am done reading this, I feel like I'm starving. LIke I need application. I dont' want to hear about how to prove a theorum if I'm not going to be showin how to solve for C. While he's marveling at a2+b2=C2, I'm twelve miles ahead down the yellow brick road.
Don't let the flying monkeys get you!
Once Igot to the last blog, which was actually his intro, I got the point, but its a contradiction. It's not about how to develop the Good Parts Version of his life; it's what he think about how he mightgo about it and the nature of doing it. What ONE action has he taken?
I want to hear about how he lost his job, how he's dealing with that, what action he took next, how his relationship exploded, what he's doing about it now, and what are his deepest heart's desires that he'll choose to go after, regardlessif he resists or not.
How's that?
Thank you for your feedback about victim/blame/personal responsibility, and Drew and Trish. You disagree. Okay. I get what you said. And I agree with you on most of it, because we are talking about two different things. I was talking about responsibility. You were talking about deserving blame. What is the difference?
MORALITY.
Being responsible for something happening to me DOES NOT equate hat I deserved it. If I touch an exposed wire and electrocute msyelf, I am responsible for touching it, and responsible for my own death. My family might say that it was the renovation contractor's responsibility to cap off the wire, and that their negligence caused my death. No, it didn't. That exposed wire couldv'e existed there for forever, never harming anyone. It didn't hurt me until I touched it. The wire was the instrument of death, and the contractors left it there, therefore in a court of law, they'd be responsible for wrongful death or negligence, or whatever, sharing some of the responsibility for my death. Did I deserve to die? Because I was dumb and touched a wire! Absolutely not. But I am responsible for touching it. No one made me. We can spread the responsibility around but ultimately, I own some of it. Just like Drew and Trish own some of the responsibility for their own deaths. That somehow offends you, because you feel like I'm saying they deserved to die. No way.
My point was how they contributed to their own deaths, just as I contributed to my own electrocution. Or if I was wandering around in an abandoned house, fell through a floor and broke my neck, do we blame the rotten wood? The termites? The owner for not putting up an electric fence to keep nosy people out? The original construction workers? The trees that made the wood? God? or myself who was dumb enough to respass into a house I knew was dangerous? And the point there is that it's POINTLESS to go around placing blame. What good does it do? Where does it end? The more powerful stand is to take as much responsibility as I can, because it gives me the power to cause, instead of being a helpless victim. Rick was the instrument of death. He deserves his share of the responsibility. ABSOLUTELY. And recognizing Trish and Drew also share some of the responsibility does not mean they deserved it. It was simply an outcome. The conversation did not exist in a wrong or right context. I'm sorry if I hadn't made that clear.
To answer your question, it was a fight over debt that sparked the actual murders, but it had been building for a long time, tension between two violent men, and although I don't believe he specifically planned it, because if he did, he did a lousy job of it, he had entertained the idea of, and taken steps towards.
I didn't see any footage of the tsunami in Hawaii because I don't watch regular TV. Was it bad? I guess there was a 6.8 aftershock yesterday in Chile. NUTS.
Congratulations! So, is it Mr. Bellers that wants your two pieces of writing? Or someplace else? And did you specifically submit these? or did they finmd them on your blog? This is great! See? I told you your writing rocks. They said it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master any skill. With as much as you write, you are getting close!
I'm going to propose word processors.
Yes, I do know why my friend killed her patient. Officially, he asked her to, as he has a painful condition that even morphone couldn't surpress. Even so, murder is murder.
I am enjoying learning how to watercolor paint. I'm doing it by trial and error for now, but may in the future get some books on it if it keeps my interest. I'm sending all my stuff to my mom, mostly. I thinmk she's going to keep what she wants and sell or raffle off the others to raise money for a legal fund. I'm totally enjoying the creative outlet and relaxation it brings. I've been drawing more too. Just getting out a need to express. Out of that, I was inspired for the cover design of my book. (*Gramatically that sentence sucked.) It had been vexing me. It is now clear. I'm excited.
Mom's going to type the blogs this week and post them, but from now on, I'm paying a company to transcribe and post. It's a $10 setup feed and 50 cents per page. As long as they are reliable, it seems fair to me. We'll see.
I'd love to read the 2nd piece you got published.
Oh, I just read your request about what I felt about the person behind the blogs. I'd say he had potential for rocking his life if he could move forward. He'd be good for general conversation, I think, but not as a good friend. Good for dinner parties and fun outings, but he doesn't scream prime friend material. But I could be wrong. I like that he's examining his life. And that he seems to want enlightenment. Well, I want to win the lottery. It won't work if I don't buy a ticket.
Take care!
<3Sarah
Friday, March 12, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #29
Dear Kelly,
Thanks for your letter and latest blog entries. And a cute guinea pig love story. My sister and I had a guinea pig as our first pet. Well, I think it was my sister's pet, but she grew tired of it after about three days. Once you realize they are NOT cuddly, and ready to bolt at a moment's notice, their value diminishes. The smell of pee-soaked cedar shipcs, it drops to near zero. My; first official pet was a mouse. Jeni picked one, I picked one, and assured they were both males, we housed them together in a 10-gallon aquarium. The first set of pink babies did not amuse my parents. We took out the male, but understimated the early age at which mice copulate. Eventually it became impossible to separate them and there aren't too many parents who like the idea of pet mice escaping and taking up residence in their walls and kitchen cabinets, which did happen to us. Twice. Once, my favorite pet hamster escaped. I was devastated. Four days later, I was huddled on top of the floor heater vent, swathed in a blanket, hogging all of the dry heat when I heard a scratching noise just after the heat went off. After fishing down the dark hole beneath the vent, I lured her back to my arms with food pellets. The second incident was a mouse my sister had been secretly keeping in a bucket in her room. The cat knocked over the bucket a few days later and mom found it beneath the foil covering a pan of iced cupcakes with sprinkles. She named it Cupcake and played with it and remarked about how it was awfully tame to be a field mouse. We just nodded and let her have her new pet Cupcake.
I enjoyed reading more about what you do for a living. I sort of got used to the idea that you spent your days daing underqualified men, entertaining Mini, typing blogs and showering a lot.
I'ts interesting that you wrote, "I hate all this uncertainty, always feeling like a failure." Really? How do we identify ourselves as failures? I have certainly felt that way before. I mean, really, look at my life. But this is what I got: why do you feel like a failure when the outcome has NOTHING to do with you?
A client quits. -- I see no Kelly K**** in that failure.
A client is a pain in the ass, uninformed, and fires you--Sure, this affects you, ut the outcome is that the act of retaining a client failed. Not you.
NoteGuy is a jerk. You no longer date. The relationship failed. Not you.
You couldn't get press for client XYZ- The reporter failed to write a story you pitched. Not you.
When you can get out of a work that centers around you and see that the failures are all actoins that failed to perfrom in a certain desired way, then maybe you'll stop feeling like shit about yourself and it will open up more neat avenues or creative opportunities. I say fuck carrying around all that baggage yourself. Unless one of the wheels on your suitcase fails to roll along properly.
Restorative yoga blog cracked me up. This is more confirmation that truth is stranger than fiction. I started writing more blogs this past week. Sending off my third one tonight to be typed. I found that when I have a stupid or funny story or a complaint, I just write about it and I either get some dark humor ormake a philosophical point or both AND I get good practice at writing and now I"m making good use of the blog page. Mom set up an FB page. I need to know what all I can put up there. Like links or can I upload documents or images. I guess FB is the world's #1 social network. Wild. And I"m getting better at naming, so my chapters will be more creatively titled. The last three I wrote: The Blame Game, Barf Blog or was it Battle of the Barf? , and damn, I think I forgot to write the title of the first one: Cheese food or something. Anyway--having fun. Writing...
And now I"m doing more drawing. Today I drew a meat-eating pitcher plant, a bird in a cherry blossomed tree, an avocado tree, and a little Buddha statue. Some of them, I will paint over with watercolor. I found I have a new talent. I'll send you one when I make a reproduction of an original. You'll like it, I think.
I always look forward to your letters. I enjoy your writing. And you are fun. I like your brave attempts at managing and naviaging your life.
Oh! A guy from Indigo Films wrote Monday, wanting an interview for a documentary for a TV series. I wrote a reply and inquiry. Seems interesting. I'll keep you updated.
Take Care!
Sarah
Thanks for your letter and latest blog entries. And a cute guinea pig love story. My sister and I had a guinea pig as our first pet. Well, I think it was my sister's pet, but she grew tired of it after about three days. Once you realize they are NOT cuddly, and ready to bolt at a moment's notice, their value diminishes. The smell of pee-soaked cedar shipcs, it drops to near zero. My; first official pet was a mouse. Jeni picked one, I picked one, and assured they were both males, we housed them together in a 10-gallon aquarium. The first set of pink babies did not amuse my parents. We took out the male, but understimated the early age at which mice copulate. Eventually it became impossible to separate them and there aren't too many parents who like the idea of pet mice escaping and taking up residence in their walls and kitchen cabinets, which did happen to us. Twice. Once, my favorite pet hamster escaped. I was devastated. Four days later, I was huddled on top of the floor heater vent, swathed in a blanket, hogging all of the dry heat when I heard a scratching noise just after the heat went off. After fishing down the dark hole beneath the vent, I lured her back to my arms with food pellets. The second incident was a mouse my sister had been secretly keeping in a bucket in her room. The cat knocked over the bucket a few days later and mom found it beneath the foil covering a pan of iced cupcakes with sprinkles. She named it Cupcake and played with it and remarked about how it was awfully tame to be a field mouse. We just nodded and let her have her new pet Cupcake.
I enjoyed reading more about what you do for a living. I sort of got used to the idea that you spent your days daing underqualified men, entertaining Mini, typing blogs and showering a lot.
I'ts interesting that you wrote, "I hate all this uncertainty, always feeling like a failure." Really? How do we identify ourselves as failures? I have certainly felt that way before. I mean, really, look at my life. But this is what I got: why do you feel like a failure when the outcome has NOTHING to do with you?
A client quits. -- I see no Kelly K**** in that failure.
A client is a pain in the ass, uninformed, and fires you--Sure, this affects you, ut the outcome is that the act of retaining a client failed. Not you.
NoteGuy is a jerk. You no longer date. The relationship failed. Not you.
You couldn't get press for client XYZ- The reporter failed to write a story you pitched. Not you.
When you can get out of a work that centers around you and see that the failures are all actoins that failed to perfrom in a certain desired way, then maybe you'll stop feeling like shit about yourself and it will open up more neat avenues or creative opportunities. I say fuck carrying around all that baggage yourself. Unless one of the wheels on your suitcase fails to roll along properly.
Restorative yoga blog cracked me up. This is more confirmation that truth is stranger than fiction. I started writing more blogs this past week. Sending off my third one tonight to be typed. I found that when I have a stupid or funny story or a complaint, I just write about it and I either get some dark humor ormake a philosophical point or both AND I get good practice at writing and now I"m making good use of the blog page. Mom set up an FB page. I need to know what all I can put up there. Like links or can I upload documents or images. I guess FB is the world's #1 social network. Wild. And I"m getting better at naming, so my chapters will be more creatively titled. The last three I wrote: The Blame Game, Barf Blog or was it Battle of the Barf? , and damn, I think I forgot to write the title of the first one: Cheese food or something. Anyway--having fun. Writing...
And now I"m doing more drawing. Today I drew a meat-eating pitcher plant, a bird in a cherry blossomed tree, an avocado tree, and a little Buddha statue. Some of them, I will paint over with watercolor. I found I have a new talent. I'll send you one when I make a reproduction of an original. You'll like it, I think.
I always look forward to your letters. I enjoy your writing. And you are fun. I like your brave attempts at managing and naviaging your life.
Oh! A guy from Indigo Films wrote Monday, wanting an interview for a documentary for a TV series. I wrote a reply and inquiry. Seems interesting. I'll keep you updated.
Take Care!
Sarah
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Faux-Insightfulness And Sensitivity Explained
I have been thinking a lot about some of the writings I've gotten from sociopaths. They seem so sensitive and introspective. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out a way to know whether they are really telling the truth and really want to change, be honest and live an authentic life. I mean, if a person is a sociopath and really didn't want to change, why write about wanting to be honest and how they are not that person anymore? I have asked many people in my life about what their impressions are of the persosn behind these letters; I asked if they felt they'd be friends with this person, if they felt they could trust the narrator and why or why not they felt what the writer was saying was authentic.
And then today as if the Universe was actually a blogger and Tweeter, I got this newest posting from Lovefraud, the site about sociopathy. It tackles my questions. How can someone who had done something so diabolical come off as being so insightful and kind in his writing?
SOCIOPATH ARTICLE
And then today as if the Universe was actually a blogger and Tweeter, I got this newest posting from Lovefraud, the site about sociopathy. It tackles my questions. How can someone who had done something so diabolical come off as being so insightful and kind in his writing?
SOCIOPATH ARTICLE
Medical Discussion on the Brain & Morality
MEDICAL ARTICLE
This is a link to a great medical article about the brain and morality. In some of the sections it discusses some of the neurological changes proposed to be present in sociopathy. It even makes a distinction between "acquired" sociopathy and sociopathy which was destined to be present since birth...
This is a link to a great medical article about the brain and morality. In some of the sections it discusses some of the neurological changes proposed to be present in sociopathy. It even makes a distinction between "acquired" sociopathy and sociopathy which was destined to be present since birth...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Bart Corbin, #6
[Ed.: You know I rarely offer commentary on the letters I get from prisoners, but I just had to tell you that this is my all-time favorite line in a prisoner letter ever: "...some aging old fag on Chardonnay and Xanax. "]
Hey Kell,
Does that bother you calling you Kell? I have tended to short people's names after I have known them awhile. No, I did not see the show. I have not watched any of them. I heard they watched one of them in the dorm across from mine. THey love to watch true crime shoes in here. I never understand that. Hven't you (inmates) seen enough of it from the system? I just hear about hte shows. The problem with [being called] "witty and funny" is depending on one's audience mood it acn be slandered as sarcasm (which I like too,) :) Works for me. Sometimes.
Hey, at least you are on top of your taxes. Any coming back? I'm sick of winter, also, but I always am. We have had a couple mild days lately as I am ready for Spring. NYC is tough to live in if you are sick of people. "Your" crazy sounds like some here. This place gets more mental everyday. Of course ours pull it out here "on the regular" so they can't just boast. :)
How's the company? Clients picking up? The problem with jobs, apts and boyfriends is they come and go. I don't know what I looked like on TV really. I probably look similar but shorter hair (not shaved or crew cut) a litlte less and some gray, but I have a little more weight which is good I think. I was excessively thin during that couple of years, esp;ecially in the early days. I'm like 207 now which at 6'3" is not bad. The rules are your hair has to be hoff youri ears and collar and no more than 3" long. Of course they like ti shorter. It's not like the movies.
Any Valentine's fun? Sorry I haven't written in a while. No real changes. Some face changes but the same prison "game" is always on. I heard we had another "sticking" today and had one last week. Just a lot of stupid broke guys inh a recessoin; too cowardly to head up in a fight and too arrogant to let anything up except their mouth. Prison is a state of arrested development.
I heard the Fed cut off money to Georgia based on their use and on-compliance with regulations. I think it's good for they never change unless hit in the pocketbooks.
Well, I just had the lights cut out on me for it is lights-out time. Thanks for writing me and wish your fllor and everything is ok. :)
Be good,
Bart
I had an old friend write to me I haven't heard from in a couple of years. He is a hairdresser, gay, and a little older than I. I'm straight, of course, and this guy used to be so supportive. Then he writes this quick letter that was so insulting and typical of the attitudes of many of the past people I've known. They all seem to believe they are due a personal explanation like why I am here involved them at all. People here in this country of ours have an elevated sense of self and what they are due. Anyway, he came off as a stereotype of some aging old fag on Chardonnay and Xanax. Pathetic and I did not return correspondence.
Hey Kell,
Does that bother you calling you Kell? I have tended to short people's names after I have known them awhile. No, I did not see the show. I have not watched any of them. I heard they watched one of them in the dorm across from mine. THey love to watch true crime shoes in here. I never understand that. Hven't you (inmates) seen enough of it from the system? I just hear about hte shows. The problem with [being called] "witty and funny" is depending on one's audience mood it acn be slandered as sarcasm (which I like too,) :) Works for me. Sometimes.
Hey, at least you are on top of your taxes. Any coming back? I'm sick of winter, also, but I always am. We have had a couple mild days lately as I am ready for Spring. NYC is tough to live in if you are sick of people. "Your" crazy sounds like some here. This place gets more mental everyday. Of course ours pull it out here "on the regular" so they can't just boast. :)
How's the company? Clients picking up? The problem with jobs, apts and boyfriends is they come and go. I don't know what I looked like on TV really. I probably look similar but shorter hair (not shaved or crew cut) a litlte less and some gray, but I have a little more weight which is good I think. I was excessively thin during that couple of years, esp;ecially in the early days. I'm like 207 now which at 6'3" is not bad. The rules are your hair has to be hoff youri ears and collar and no more than 3" long. Of course they like ti shorter. It's not like the movies.
Any Valentine's fun? Sorry I haven't written in a while. No real changes. Some face changes but the same prison "game" is always on. I heard we had another "sticking" today and had one last week. Just a lot of stupid broke guys inh a recessoin; too cowardly to head up in a fight and too arrogant to let anything up except their mouth. Prison is a state of arrested development.
I heard the Fed cut off money to Georgia based on their use and on-compliance with regulations. I think it's good for they never change unless hit in the pocketbooks.
Well, I just had the lights cut out on me for it is lights-out time. Thanks for writing me and wish your fllor and everything is ok. :)
Be good,
Bart
I had an old friend write to me I haven't heard from in a couple of years. He is a hairdresser, gay, and a little older than I. I'm straight, of course, and this guy used to be so supportive. Then he writes this quick letter that was so insulting and typical of the attitudes of many of the past people I've known. They all seem to believe they are due a personal explanation like why I am here involved them at all. People here in this country of ours have an elevated sense of self and what they are due. Anyway, he came off as a stereotype of some aging old fag on Chardonnay and Xanax. Pathetic and I did not return correspondence.
