Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #30

Dear Kelly,

HI! Just got another letter from you last night. THey shoved my mail under the door at close to 10:30pm which normally happens at 6:30pm, and this time I was asleep. The soft whoosh of paper over painted cement woke me. (I am sensitive to noise.) I rolled over and looked at two envelopes, one red, one white with red markings, and contemplated how important they were to me. I quickly did a cost/benefit analysis, rolled over and went back to sleep.

This morning I got up, ate breakfast, washed my face, went to rec and painted w/watercolors and then showered before my visit. Now I'm back, read your letter and pasted blogs, and I am left wondering about this project, but I'll play along.

[Ed.: She is referring to the blog entries I sent to her asking her what she thought of that person. I gave her no other info. and wanted to see what her unbiased assessment the writer would be. Unbeknownst to her, the blogger is someone I believe to be a sociopath. I wondered if it would take one to know one... Her answer is most interesting.]

I only read them over once, and I now realize, backwards in time order. But here is what I am left with as a first impression: The writer is trying very hard to focus on these abstract aspects of life (that seems to be "IN" right now) but so abstract that its hard to stay focused. It doesn't speak to me at all, because it's so fucking abstract. I get his poits, but my question is "so what?" Like all of it is valid, but totally uninteresting because he isn't a concrete real person. I felt more connected to the "friends" he talked about than to him. LIfe's a struggle. Like that is an original idea... Be willing to change your life, not figure out what willingness is.

He examines questions, makes decisions about what might be good or how he should look at a situation, but I can see NO action. It's like a man trapped on an island of paradise who spends so much time theorizing about the origin of the exotic plants or animals that he starves to death.

When I am done reading this, I feel like I'm starving. LIke I need application. I dont' want to hear about how to prove a theorum if I'm not going to be showin how to solve for C. While he's marveling at a2+b2=C2, I'm twelve miles ahead down the yellow brick road.

Don't let the flying monkeys get you!

Once Igot to the last blog, which was actually his intro, I got the point, but its a contradiction. It's not about how to develop the Good Parts Version of his life; it's what he think about how he mightgo about it and the nature of doing it. What ONE action has he taken?

I want to hear about how he lost his job, how he's dealing with that, what action he took next, how his relationship exploded, what he's doing about it now, and what are his deepest heart's desires that he'll choose to go after, regardlessif he resists or not.

How's that?

Thank you for your feedback about victim/blame/personal responsibility, and Drew and Trish. You disagree. Okay. I get what you said. And I agree with you on most of it, because we are talking about two different things. I was talking about responsibility. You were talking about deserving blame. What is the difference?

MORALITY.

Being responsible for something happening to me DOES NOT equate hat I deserved it. If I touch an exposed wire and electrocute msyelf, I am responsible for touching it, and responsible for my own death. My family might say that it was the renovation contractor's responsibility to cap off the wire, and that their negligence caused my death. No, it didn't. That exposed wire couldv'e existed there for forever, never harming anyone. It didn't hurt me until I touched it. The wire was the instrument of death, and the contractors left it there, therefore in a court of law, they'd be responsible for wrongful death or negligence, or whatever, sharing some of the responsibility for my death. Did I deserve to die? Because I was dumb and touched a wire! Absolutely not. But I am responsible for touching it. No one made me. We can spread the responsibility around but ultimately, I own some of it. Just like Drew and Trish own some of the responsibility for their own deaths. That somehow offends you, because you feel like I'm saying they deserved to die. No way.

My point was how they contributed to their own deaths, just as I contributed to my own electrocution. Or if I was wandering around in an abandoned house, fell through a floor and broke my neck, do we blame the rotten wood? The termites? The owner for not putting up an electric fence to keep nosy people out? The original construction workers? The trees that made the wood? God? or myself who was dumb enough to respass into a house I knew was dangerous? And the point there is that it's POINTLESS to go around placing blame. What good does it do? Where does it end? The more powerful stand is to take as much responsibility as I can, because it gives me the power to cause, instead of being a helpless victim. Rick was the instrument of death. He deserves his share of the responsibility. ABSOLUTELY. And recognizing Trish and Drew also share some of the responsibility does not mean they deserved it. It was simply an outcome. The conversation did not exist in a wrong or right context. I'm sorry if I hadn't made that clear.

To answer your question, it was a fight over debt that sparked the actual murders, but it had been building for a long time, tension between two violent men, and although I don't believe he specifically planned it, because if he did, he did a lousy job of it, he had entertained the idea of, and taken steps towards.

I didn't see any footage of the tsunami in Hawaii because I don't watch regular TV. Was it bad? I guess there was a 6.8 aftershock yesterday in Chile. NUTS.

Congratulations! So, is it Mr. Bellers that wants your two pieces of writing? Or someplace else? And did you specifically submit these? or did they finmd them on your blog? This is great! See? I told you your writing rocks. They said it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master any skill. With as much as you write, you are getting close!

I'm going to propose word processors.

Yes, I do know why my friend killed her patient. Officially, he asked her to, as he has a painful condition that even morphone couldn't surpress. Even so, murder is murder.

I am enjoying learning how to watercolor paint. I'm doing it by trial and error for now, but may in the future get some books on it if it keeps my interest. I'm sending all my stuff to my mom, mostly. I thinmk she's going to keep what she wants and sell or raffle off the others to raise money for a legal fund. I'm totally enjoying the creative outlet and relaxation it brings. I've been drawing more too. Just getting out a need to express. Out of that, I was inspired for the cover design of my book. (*Gramatically that sentence sucked.) It had been vexing me. It is now clear. I'm excited.

Mom's going to type the blogs this week and post them, but from now on, I'm paying a company to transcribe and post. It's a $10 setup feed and 50 cents per page. As long as they are reliable, it seems fair to me. We'll see.

I'd love to read the 2nd piece you got published.

Oh, I just read your request about what I felt about the person behind the blogs. I'd say he had potential for rocking his life if he could move forward. He'd be good for general conversation, I think, but not as a good friend. Good for dinner parties and fun outings, but he doesn't scream prime friend material. But I could be wrong. I like that he's examining his life. And that he seems to want enlightenment. Well, I want to win the lottery. It won't work if I don't buy a ticket.

Take care!

<3Sarah