Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #31

Kelly,
It's always a joy to receive a letter from you. After all the dumb shit you've put up with from Reid, he destroys the relationship and blames it on you. This is what I see: Reid is deeply committed to being right, looking good, and avoiding looking bad. (All very human traits.) He does stuff like cheating on Scrabble, then lying about it, then defending himself when you accuse him and then finally, attacking you when you accused him of insulting your intelligence so he could be right about you dissolving the relationship.

This has nothing to do with you, Kelly. Not your superior [to his] Scrabble skills, not your OCD, not your choice in men...none of it. It's all about Reid. He is so committed to being right that he will sacrifice his integrity, and be a slave to his own emotions and self-consciousness. He will offend others, lose relationships, and live in a completely inauthentic world. Because he must be right.

Imagine how terrible that must be for him. He lives inside a commitment that runs his life. (And pissed you off.)

I write this as an alternative to seeing Reid as an asshole who insults your intelligence, instead, as a person who is run by his own invisible (to him) story that he must be right, must look good and must avoid looking bad. This shifts the point of view from you being a victim of his selfishness to him being a victim of his own commitment to being right. So you get that? The effects, actions, don't change. He cheats. You confront. He lies. You confront. He insults you. But if you shift your perspective what does that create? Well, instead of experiencing anger and frustration, perhaps you feel compassion and pity for him, and are able to avoid negative emotions. Basically, you give up being right about him being an asshole and in return, you have a more peaceful state of mind, and you grant him the ability to be himself: someone who cheats, lies and insults his friends, instead of making him wrong for it.

Now, I'm not suggesting you actually do this. It may not work you you--perhaps you like being right about his assholeness. Not a problem. Just know that you have a choice about how you experience your life. You can experience it as a victim of Reid's asshole tendencies, or you can experience it as a compassionate friend who grants being to someone's generally annoying tendencies that he cannot help because he is run by the invisible commitment to being right. But you don't have to be run by it. You have a choice.

That's the exact same thing I was talking about when it comes to responsibility. I can look at myself as a victim of Rick's actions, or I an have compassion about what inside him, what story in his head, what commitment ran him to kill Trish and Drew. It's easy to look at people and situations and point out what is bad and wrong. Well, I'm not interested in being judgemental. I'm interested in understanding. Sure, there are times when I get angry and feel helpless about getting a retardedly unfair trial and sentence. There was a moment I considered helping Rick escape prison just so I could have the opportunity to beat him thoroughly for what he did to me. But those feleings of anger don't feel good to me, the fear, shame, anger, etc. -- so I choose instead of being a victim, to 1) understand him and have compassion 2) take responsibility for all the choices I made in my life that helped me get to this point. It's simply a shift of perspective that gives me a choice in how I experience life. Negative vs. Positive. Victim vs. Powerful. I choose the latter because the past will never change, but I can have some say in how my present and future feel and go.

That is my point. NOT that Drew and Trish are responsible. Not that I am responsible. I'm not telling you these things are the truth. or reality. What are those? I'm only saying that by shifting into that p.o.v., I make my life better. I givem yself a choice how I go through life.

In your case (or anyone else) I'd never tell you that something's your fault or responsibility. I can't tell you how you experience your life. And I am not into making people wrong. If you had died because of you ex I would not think it was all your responsibility, but I could come up with a shift where it coudl be, if you wanted it to be. I am not telling you what reality is. I'm telling you that you have a choice in what your experience of reality is. You have the power.

Does that make sense?

[Ed: I didn't tell her anything about John. I merely told her that my interest in writing to prisoners was sparked by an infortunate experience I had with an ex-relationship where a man I dated did something could have killed me.]

And I totally appreciate you sharing a little bit around that mystery blog.[Ed.: I had sent her John's three blog entries, without explanation, asking her to merely read them and tell me what she thought of the narrator.] I trusted that you had a good reason to withhold that info--to keep my opinion unbiased. I wonder if you've gained any insight about sociopath's from writing to prisoners. Honestly I don't even know what indicates someone is a sociopath, except that they are rooted in anger and antisocial behavior. That idiot News reporter asked me if I was a sociopath. I have never felt or exhibited irrational anger; I am one of the most forgiving and kind people in the world. Anti-social: Shit. I never met a stranger. What, exactly, is a sociopath?

I totally understand you not feeling comfortable about talking about an open law case. Not a problem. I don't take it personally. [Ed.: I am redacting a portion where she tries to guess what my ex- might have done that could have ended up killing me. She is very perceptive, so I am redacting that portion.]

Besides, I like your rants. It's fun to make people wrong. Especially when they are such pieces of work.

Poor Mini! Anytime animals or children get hurt or cry, it elicits this intense hormonal response in me. It's a maternal thing. I think. First, human fight/flight adrenaline--because hurt and danger. Then it being something/someone you care for. What hurts/scares them, hurts/scares you. I would have cried too, Kelly. [Ed.: She is referencing what I wrote about how a dog lunged and nipped Mini and he screamed so loud and I started crying, scared for him.]

I like that you had a date this week, especially with someone employed and ambitious. I like his Mormon story. And his friend's affair with the LOST woman. Makes for good stories. Was there any chemistry there? Any follow up dates planned? (Way better than Reidtard.)

Thanks for the clarification about FB. Mom says there's a blog option on MySpace and that's where she posts now b/c wordpress is hard for people to find. I guess it's getting good traffic. I posted some new ones last week you'd like.

I also received a request for an interview for the cable tv show, "I Almost Got Away With It" about fugitives. It's documentary style for the Discovery Channel. Ever see it? What do you think?

It's late. I hope you are well and your life is looking better for you. I think your life if neat.

-<3Sarah