Kelly,
I'm listening to some sports talk show givig major league baseball updates. I'm not real thrilled about baseball, at least not until the World Series in October. Football and Nascar are my picks. I do also enjoy rugby. Have you ever seen rugby played? They are as violent as the hockey players but they don't wear protection. It's a fast game and fun to watch when two good teams go at it. They have a weird rule. (If you don't know, it's a lot like football, but with a bigger ball.) You can only pass the ball behind you, though you're trying to go forward. Anyway, I find great entertainment in sports, especially odd ones like Badminton and Curling. I mean, when's the last time you played shuffleboard? Maybe playing some mildly physical sport will help you feel better? It usually tickles the shit out of me.
Thanks for your letter. I like your little excursions to food meccas, eateries and carts. Actually it makes (Don't worry be happy is now playing. That tells you something about radio in Indiana.) me happy that you find some joy in food. You are thin, so I sometimes wonder if you are hungry a lot. I have a habit of sneering at tiny, twiggy models. I know its really the model industry I should be angry at for coercing these women to be size 0 and 2. It leads to a lot of unhealthy habits and disorders. Also, when your body fat percent drops below like...18%, women often develop problems where they no longer menstruate, and it eats calcium from their bones. I feel bad for them and think some regulatory agency should ban or heavily find companies who use models thinner than size 4. It's rare that women are naturally that thin, so it would send a healthier message to women out there, plus protect the health of models. Anyway, when I see women under size 6, I say, "She looks hungry" and I have the intense urge to feed them.
I thought of you this weekend when I heard an ad on the radio. I hear it often but really paid attn. this time. It's an ad for reattors. It talks about the benefits of using a realtor and what's special about them, and tells about the association they are part of and contact info. I remember you saying once how an association made up of realtors wanted you to get them publicity. Why don't they place ads? Or an article written about their benefits and have a website? Maybe I'm naive.
Amir appears to be loaded. Are you addicted to torturing yourself? I mean, i fyou are, that's fine. There's a lot of people who get off on emotional pain. If not, then what's making you want Amir to be your boyfriend when you know 1) He will cheat on you 2) He will lie to you 3) He will not love you.
Somehow that defies all points of having a boyfriend. What's the differnece between that and what you have now? At least now you have sex, go out, and enjoy his conversation and charm. What am I missing? Just in casae you've never been told this, I'm offering it: Do never ever, in a million years, ever, think you can change a man. That by being with you, he will love you so much he'll be faithful, sober, nonabusive, responsible, mature employed. Even if it appears that all he needs is a good woman to show him his potential. Even if he starts to improve while with you. I thought that about every boyfriend I've ever had and a few girlfriends. It's a myth. I thought that about Rick. Just a few days before he killed Trish and Drew he told me, "I love you so much. You make me a better person." I am sure you can see the tragedy in that.
I am NOT saying I've done better in the past. In fact, I had a lover who was a womanizerand was a really attractive, sweet, charming, funny and smart person. I wanted to be with her so badly that I accepted her as is. The agreement: when she had another lover, we did not have sex. So two months on, two months off--She never kept one very long. She said women were like Christmas presents. Exciting when you look, exciting when you touch and open, exciting at first, then quickly lose their luster. Then she'd dump them and we'd continue. During our OFF times, we'd still be best friends. Everything we had on our ON times except the kissing and sex. So I can understand wanting something so badly that youa re willing to do whatever it takes. You have to ask yourself will that really make you happy? Because you certainly don't need any more shit bringing you DOWN THERE.
A lady told me she had an accident last week and stayed in her car (hit and run) until someone came to help. She didn't have her cell phone with her and no one stopped to help her. I asked why she didn't find a payphone.
She said, "There are no payphones anymore," with a funny face like I was from 1980.
Well, I was about t find payphones when I was out when I needed them. Apparently I was just lucky.
It's odd that although that payphone in that picture was removed the electricity was still connected. It's like a beacon, luring people into its portal.
When will you find out about if your photos (MINI!) will appear in the Apartment Tour column? I know that you have said that your apt. is all black, white and red, but I've never seen photos. Have any handy? I know it is part of your OCD, but honestly, that's gotta be a pretty neat looking apartment.
What establishment is featuring Chiz's 100 Santa exhibit? Just how big is the world's smallest stapler? And where would one purchase staples for it?
Perhaps you could write a story about Down There and submit it somewhere. It's a great creation and tons of people can relate. Plus you make it fun with all the associations like Dante would encounter some figures but not really give background info, such as political figures or religious heads that were crooked or hypocritical but in order ot really get a deeper meaning you had to look them up or already be familiar. You could incorporate plenty of references to suicides, psychotics and situations and events that sort of draw a picture of 20th century or even the first decade of the 21st century. There's plenty of people with the sadz with all that has happened since 2000.You could write a whole novel or play. Or write your memoir of the last 10 years or whole life and parallel it with times you went Down There. And what/who else you saw as a marker of world events or to tie in stories of your friends' lives.
I know that you question the quality of your writing, but honestly, you know that others enjoy it, and isn't that what matters most? I mean, you aren't selling your work to yourself after all. Maybe you should trust the dozens of people telling you how well you write and that you should write a book. You have plenty of material already written in your years of blogging. You just need to apply a theme or vehicle to connect choice stories. Even a collection of seemingly random ones would be a good sell.
I know that I have a long way to go in my writing. I have improved a lot since last year and would do even better if I wrote less letters and more creative stuff, but my connection to people is part of what keeps me sane.
I think my submission to The Sun is decent enough. I really wanted ot m ake the very last point about freedom of self-expression and used my boss to make the connection to that month's threme "The Office". I changed names, so I could speculate--no, I don't know who turned me in. On one hand, the inference could be made that because it was anonymous it had to be someone with a lot of money. The reward was $25,000. But on the other hand, that was the FBI/US Marshalls reward, not AMW, and it could have NOT been broadcasted. I don't know. I have my theories/hunches, but in the end it doesn't matter. Whoever did it must have felt like they were doing the right thing and there are not enough people in the world who do good and right things. By not claiming the reward, it doesn't appear to be a selfish cause. It was done on principle. I respect that.
There is no word on when my isolation will end. When I ask, I get vague answers and even, "Well, there's a guy in such and such prison who's been in solitary for 8 years." So I am not holding my breath. I just keep on reading, writing, painting and doing my best.
Just over the past two days I cam up with a way to help people~ women in prison. One thing about women in prison is that the VAST majority have been abused, often by multiple people, multiple ways, and too often, sexually. Between the lack of conversations about sex, sexuality, gender, consent, expectations, roles, etc. from our parents who may either be uncomfortable with the topic or uninformed themselves, and a school system that sterilizes sex into health issues, and a popular culture view of sex as promiscousness is sexy, men are horny, women "give it up", sex as objects, devalued consent, etc. we all have this warped view of our bodies., sex and choice.
(THAT WAS A LONG ASS RUN-ON SENTENCE!)
Anyhow, I found some great material on sexual consent in both hetero and homosexual relationships, defining consent in an enlightening way, and on supporting/communicating and loving abuse survivors. It brings up issues that even emotionally intelligent people don't know or talk about and leave a person feeling validated and empowered in his sexual relationships.
I want to propose that a group from a local women's organization supporting abuse survivors to come in and do a one-day workshop or even a couple of hours seminar, educating women on what equals abuse and waht bushes the boundaries of consent and how to communicate their needs, and empowering them with ownership over their bodies.
In the meantime, I have some great material that can be copies and distributed on the dorms and through groups, and mental health--even education classes--that helps educate and stimulate conversation among women. Sometimes people just don't know. So I'm hopeful about that.
It's midnight. I'm pooped. Take good care of yourself. No one else will.
Love,
Sarah
