Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #70-72

Kelly,
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.

I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.

I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.

I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.

Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.

Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.

I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.

I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?

I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.

How was the TV premiere?

Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.

I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.

Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.

I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.

YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'

Okay, "m off to do more big things.

Be Well.

Sarah
***

Dear Kelly,

GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.

I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.

I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts

I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.

Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.

I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.

I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.

You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.

The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.

I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.

Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.


[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]

So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".

Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!

So, that's that.

I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.

Sarah

***

Dear Kelly,

Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.

You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.

The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.

That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."

I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.

Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.

I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...

I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.

I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.

Here are mine for the month:

Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.

I wish I had a honeybun.

I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?

While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.

I'm off to start a revolution.

Power to the people!

Pender for president.

Sarah

Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #69

Kelly,
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.

That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]

I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.

My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.

I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.

I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.

You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.

Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.

I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.


The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."

Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.

I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.

That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!

Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.

I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.

"It's horrible out there; people are crying."

Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.

I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.

Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.

In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.

Hope to hear from you soon.

--Sarah