Kelly,
Just got off the phone with my Dad for Father’s Day. I got real lucky with my parents. I see a lot of people who bitch and complain about their parents or their crappy childhood, and, you know, some did get screwed. Crackhead moms, raped by uncles or stepfathers, beat for no good reason, etc. all of those things do fuck with a person’s self esteem and cognitive ability, not to mention morals and values. But at some point in time during our adult lives, we need to stop being victims. It’s so not powerful, and is like voluntarily locking yourself in your bathroom, eating spiders and mice for dinner and obsessively washing yourself ten times per day. Okay, maybe not, but it still limits a person’s ability to be okay in life, maybe great.
I want the world to get off it, take responsibility for their lives, and move forward. I had a realization that freed me from the victim mentality: Person X who did Y to me, had a whole situational context in their head that led them to think Z behavior was ok, or the best/right thing to do. Maybe it wasn’t acceptable to society, or a social norm, or even a good thing, but it simply was XYZ. And it doesn’t mean anything. It’s insignificant to NOW. The past doesn’t dictate the present. We don’t have to be victims of our past. It’s what it was and now we have now. I got past a lot of bad shit. So can others, including offenders and the victims of crime. But people stay victims as long as they choose. It’s a choice, not an eternal state of being.
Okay, I’m off my soap box. That’s just what was on my mind today.
I haven’t figured out what magazines to send my stuff to. I’m going to need some direction from family/friends. Any suggestions? I also am considering writing a book proposal or getting an agent, as there are 3 people interested in/currently writing a book about/involving me. There’s obviously interest. I’m undecisive right now.
What a shame about Scout. I hate when I find lovers or potential friends who have lots of great qualities and then end up partially retarded/psychotic/obsessive/plain fucking weird. Bummer.
Thanks for the blogs—they make me laugh. And I like to read your writing.
Here’s a thought: When the guy from the association wrote you telling you that you were stupid and worthless, he was really saying, “I need help.” Anything you defend is pointless. When he says you are stupid and worthless he doesn’t want to hear how not stupid and not worthless you are. He just wants you to GET that he needs help and he’s blaming it on you. So, yeah, you think I am stupid and worthless. Gotcha. Anything else? Okay, Now how can I help you? Do XYZ? Well, I did XYZ last month, but you didn’t know that because you didn’t receive the email, but how about we try MNO instead? By the way, I also did ABC, EFG, JKL and RST, and those are being responded to very well. I think MNO will generate the results you want. Okay, yes, you have a good day, too, Tata. Click. (Fucker.)
Just a suggestion. This works well for me when people get pissed at me and have no fucking clue. It’s not personal.
Sometimes I do think the Universe aligns just so in order to make wacky or frustrating days. I had several last week. Since you are in NY—I suspect your wacky days are straight out of a Quentin Tarantino movie or Salvador Dali painting. Real fucking weird.
Never heard of a six-word memoir, but I like it.
LIFE: A white mouse in God’s laboratory
TRAVEL; Soft bed, good food, liquor, sex
I went out in the sun (there’s a tiny caged area we can go for an hour 3X a week to sun) yesterday and baked myself properly. Nice to be pink. Don’t get me wrong, I like being white, just not transparent. Any luck there? You might have to resort to a tanning bed.
I liked the blog by Kean Wheaton on the being polite vs. shaming people into stopping rude actions. All wekk this new girl, who talks to herself throughout the day, and randomly attacks her heater, also has the raunchiest farts. It is already 90 degrees here, and with no A/C, we have fans that blow her stench around. It wafts into my room and up my nostrils. I have vivid image of what those fart molecules are doing in my mouth. Generally, I bury my face in my shirt, as does everyone else, who will talk about her quietly behind her back. Well, I wasn’t convinced it was her until yesterday, everyone else on the hall was out of their cells, away, except her and me. The distinct smell of baby shit creeped into my room. I was so undone I was speechless (plus I didn’t want to open my mouth.) But today, just minutes ago, the familiar smell walked over, sat down, crossed its legs and camped out in my room. I screamed, “Damn it! What the fuck? Who keeps shitting in their fucking pants? Huh? I hope toilet paper gets stuck in your asshole hairs and you get hemorroids!” Next time, I’m going to ask her, “Ebony, why do you insist on torturing us with your ass smells? I request you go sit on the toilet until you shit that smell out.” If addressing her directly doesn’t work, I’m goint to eat a load of beans and fight farts with farts.
It’s war.
Take care!
Sarah--
Friday, June 26, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Anne Kontz, #3
If You've Forgotten Who She is Click HERE. There's also a great episode of 48 Hours Mystery about her.
Dear Kelly,
I loved the card of Mini! He is adorable. My sister's dog looks a like like him-only white. You mentioned living on the Upper East Side near the museum--and you referred to it as boring--Well, I can't think of any part of NYC that would classify as boring! I'd want to visit the museum every day. Although after years of this place, I have a feeling that in 10 min. in NY would throw me into sensory overload. We live by such a slow pace here.
I'm a month late--but Happy Birthday to you!! My apologies for being late-I'm late in all my return letters. I've been workin gon a craft project for my mother for Mother's Day (& her birthday 5/19) - So I ahve no written anyone back in weeks/months. That is so unlike me & I didn't even get the project finished. I will be on time next year--we've got the (or one of)landmark years coming up. :-)
I've not seen my daugther in a few years--Her visitation is a messed up situation which I'll explain another time. However, I do talk to her very often, we write back & forth and my sister keeps me well supplied with pictures so I feel like I get to visit her. That is a situation I've placed in the hands of God and I trust Him to do what is best for her. She is my sunshine...the light of my life.
Prison life is not nearly as bad as most people think. The worst part is the "drama" caused by other women. In that regard I try to keep to myself. I have 3 or 4 close friends whom I trust. It's taken years for me to develop those special friends---you just have to learn who can or can't be trusted...much like out ther eonly here people have these self-serving agendas. If you approach each situation with caution, all will be OK.
I work in Horticulture and am in charge of the greenhouse. It's beautiful in there and I use these plants to set up & decorate various programs here. We also have plant sales & we plant flowers on the grounds. I work there every morning and get off at about 1 or 2pm. I am also involved in a number of groups or clubs. I am part of the Susan G. Romen Breast Cancer Foundation. We teach women about breast health and even have a "walk for the cure". I'm in Women's Club & Recreation Club. Both of these groups organize activities & sales. We sell subway sandwiches, pizza, etc., organize movie nights with popcorn, etc. I am an usher at Chursh & a member of the Praise Dance Team. I love that & didn't even know I had the talent of dance until I came to prison! I'm thankful to be here for that! We also have a Bible Study group think here called Kairos (Ed: sp?). I serve as the Chair for that--it is a year & a half elected position. It's a big job but I enjoy it. Finally, I attend 3-4 Bible studies each week & am furthering my education through a correspondence course in the mail. I'll have my degree soon. So--you can see I keep really busy. in what free time I do have, I read, write letters and do crafts (crochet & cross stitch) ... Don't forget shopping at the canteen. It's not much but its still shopping!
Well-it's a joy to hear from you as always and I promise not to take as long writing back in the future. Generally I am much more organized.
Take care--With Love
Ann
:-)
Dear Kelly,
I loved the card of Mini! He is adorable. My sister's dog looks a like like him-only white. You mentioned living on the Upper East Side near the museum--and you referred to it as boring--Well, I can't think of any part of NYC that would classify as boring! I'd want to visit the museum every day. Although after years of this place, I have a feeling that in 10 min. in NY would throw me into sensory overload. We live by such a slow pace here.
I'm a month late--but Happy Birthday to you!! My apologies for being late-I'm late in all my return letters. I've been workin gon a craft project for my mother for Mother's Day (& her birthday 5/19) - So I ahve no written anyone back in weeks/months. That is so unlike me & I didn't even get the project finished. I will be on time next year--we've got the (or one of)landmark years coming up. :-)
I've not seen my daugther in a few years--Her visitation is a messed up situation which I'll explain another time. However, I do talk to her very often, we write back & forth and my sister keeps me well supplied with pictures so I feel like I get to visit her. That is a situation I've placed in the hands of God and I trust Him to do what is best for her. She is my sunshine...the light of my life.
Prison life is not nearly as bad as most people think. The worst part is the "drama" caused by other women. In that regard I try to keep to myself. I have 3 or 4 close friends whom I trust. It's taken years for me to develop those special friends---you just have to learn who can or can't be trusted...much like out ther eonly here people have these self-serving agendas. If you approach each situation with caution, all will be OK.
I work in Horticulture and am in charge of the greenhouse. It's beautiful in there and I use these plants to set up & decorate various programs here. We also have plant sales & we plant flowers on the grounds. I work there every morning and get off at about 1 or 2pm. I am also involved in a number of groups or clubs. I am part of the Susan G. Romen Breast Cancer Foundation. We teach women about breast health and even have a "walk for the cure". I'm in Women's Club & Recreation Club. Both of these groups organize activities & sales. We sell subway sandwiches, pizza, etc., organize movie nights with popcorn, etc. I am an usher at Chursh & a member of the Praise Dance Team. I love that & didn't even know I had the talent of dance until I came to prison! I'm thankful to be here for that! We also have a Bible Study group think here called Kairos (Ed: sp?). I serve as the Chair for that--it is a year & a half elected position. It's a big job but I enjoy it. Finally, I attend 3-4 Bible studies each week & am furthering my education through a correspondence course in the mail. I'll have my degree soon. So--you can see I keep really busy. in what free time I do have, I read, write letters and do crafts (crochet & cross stitch) ... Don't forget shopping at the canteen. It's not much but its still shopping!
Well-it's a joy to hear from you as always and I promise not to take as long writing back in the future. Generally I am much more organized.
Take care--With Love
Ann
:-)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #18 & #19
Hello,
THREE LETTERS! Let me start by saying that I’m very anxious today, and I fear the depression is really moving in. I am upset about money/work stuff---haven’t got enough clients to make enough to support my lifestyle now so I have been looking for more and also trying to apply to full-time jobs, but they are scarce. Today was my last day at the personal trainer b/c I can’t afford it anymore, and I fear I’ll get flabby. I do not have the will to go to the gym without a trainer so I am not signing up for one. Also, there are some other things going on in my life that I can’t really discuss here now, but they involve a lawsuit. (Not against me…the other way around.)
It has been raining for days. It is grey and very sticky and humid out. After my last training session I went to my favorite Indian place to get lunch, but the Universe, once again, is conspiring against me because as I was eating I saw not one but TWO roaches. Ugh. Some days are better if you just lock yourself in the house.
Onto your questions. I did not grow up in NYC, but just across the river in NJ, by Hoboken. Not sure if you know where that is. I am an only child so there was no buffer from my schizo mother. It was really awful. But it has helped me become creative and I can amuse myself quite easily. I have many close friends, but tend to like to be alone a lot more than most. I relish the peace and quiet because I did not have it in my early years. Tell me about your brothers…
The smell of stale cigarettes in a warm, unventilated room bring me right back… ugh. You mentioned you would have loved to have met me in ’93…what were you doing in ’93? I don’t think you were in jail yet, right? But you were a dr. by then? I was still living in NJ in ’93 but I lived alone in a small basement apt. I always wanted to move to NYC because I knew that my mother would never come here. It worked!
There is no cure for interstitial cystitis and no one knows what causes it. There are a few treatments, most of which are painful and did not work for me. I am generally fine with few flair-ups as long as I watch what I eat and drink and get lots of sleep. I sleep A LOT and need a steady schedule or else my bladder acts up. Most people don’t know or notice thankfully.
So you avoided getting HIV? That is very good---but you had girlfriends in Africa. I’m assuming you only dated people who were tested… You are right in assuming I would find it inappropriate to discuss anything sexual in letters. I am happy to be your penpal, but I don’t think it wise to write anything sexually explicit to someone incarcerated. I assume your letters are read by guards or others in the jail system.
I do not have many HIV positive friends. In fact I only know one person with it and apparently he has had it since ’85 and has never taken a cocktail or any other meds for it. .He appears healthier than I am… In this regard he is lucky.
I haven’t watched the first season of Breaking Bad yet b/c the first disc is not available on Netflix. I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find John Hamm dreamy!
You mention you find it odd people still remember you and your case. I guess they do because Blind Eye was a bestseller and tons of people read it. It was quite powerful. Reading it was pretty scary. Many of my friends have read it before I even knew about it or who you were so they are afraid you might want to poison me. Sure hope not. The guy who wrote it grew up in Quincy, Illinois.
David Sedaris IS related to the actress/comedienne Amy Sedaris.
You mention having worked in healthcare you have known many gays. Have you ever had gay experiences? There is no mention of that in the book about you so I assume not, but you never know…
IN TREATMENT ended very anticlimactically. He quits his own therapist, is still single, doesn’t get back with his wife and his patients all quit for some reason or another. I heard they are still in talks for Season Three as the ratings went way down.
My god-daughter is 9. She lives in NJ with her parents. Her mother is an old and close friend of mine. I actually have two god-daughters. The other is only 9mos and her name is London. She lives here by me in NYC. She hasn’t been to the zoo yet, although her mom just took her to Greece for 10 days. Kids are scary and draining. I’m better with dogs.
Glad you liked the creepy cards I have sent. I collect creepy postcards.
Wow! You are up everyday at 6:15am? For breakfast? I guess you must go to bed early if you are eating your dinner at 5pm. Jail sounds so strange and scary and depressing, but also regimented. I like regimented. I am very regimented, although I hate having others tell me what to do.
You mention the Nurse Jackie clipping was sent to you by your medical correspondent…who is that? An old dr. colleague? It’s great you have lots of people who write that you correspond with. I will not be watching Nurse Jackie. Just doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want to start a new show.
This week I did something fun and different. I went all the way over to a place betw. Aves. B and C that I used to go to when I was in college. I used to go for urban poetry slams but this Tuesday they had this thing from a group called MOTH Story Slams. The concept is that each week it is held in a different place and there is a different theme. Tuesday’s was WHEELS. So people can put their name in a hat and 10 are picked to tell 5 minute stories (telling, not reading) about that topic. (I just went to watch.) The audience votes on each story and at the end a winner is picked. It was such a great night. The story I liked the best was by a guy with a great name: REED JENNER. He was so very handsome too. No wedding band. So I sent him a message the following day telling him how moved I was by his quirky and very personal story (it was about a comical suicide attempt.) Turns out he lives right by me only a few blocks away. Too bad he just had his girlfriend move in. At least I made a new friend… I plan on going to more of these Story Slams. The next one I am available for is CUPID in July. I will not be telling a story, but if EXCRETIONS, JEANS, or SHOPPING are ever topics, you know which I will be telling.
I don’t have many plans this weekend. I may to go NJ Sat. night to hang out with a friend in my old neighborhood. Haven’t really been back in 10 years, so it’ll be odd.
Well, as always, take care.
--Kelly
***
Dear MS—
I was surprised I didn’t get a letter from you last week, but there was a big envelope in my mailbox today! I find it odd that you think I have a wall up. I feel like I am extremely forthcoming to you (and most I meet.) I am typically very open. In the regard to the “HIV case” I cannot discuss this at present b/c it involves a lawsuit (not against me) and as I’m sure you are well aware, legally I cannot discuss anything while it remains open. I am sorry for being cryptic in this regard, but I do not even discuss the ins and outs of it with my real-life acquaintances. Believe me, I promise to write about this very publicly when I am able to.
When something bad happens to me, I process it better by writing about it. That is why blogging has been so powerful and therapeutic for me. The column, a less-serious extension of that, was also helpful to me in airing out my relationships and by doing so, seeing them more clearly. I think most things can be cured—well, maybe not cured, but helped—by writing about them.
I love hearing about your doctor/paramedic stories, so feel free to send more on. Surely you can understand, though, that I do not want to blindly believe anything I read about you. That is why I specifically ask you so many questions. I want to hear the full story from your point of view. I realize you are not allowed to write it to me in its entirety, but I really wish there was a “Blind Eye” written by you. You don’t dispute you did things that make you deserve to be in jail, but you have never really detailed what exactly you did. So I am left to only having what is written in print and online as a resource and that is not good. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Or at least an article? I know this might sound absurd, but given the American public’s fascination with murderers and the like, I’d love to be able to write a book about the incarcerated’s thoughts---like what do they think about their crimes, the penal system, the prisons they are in & how do they keep going knowing they will be in jail for the rest of their life, or worse, on Death Row. It seems to me that prisoners seem to lose their voice once convicted, and while I would offer no editorialization of my own, their words should be heard and stand by themselves. For example, your clarification on KK’s autopsy. I would have never known that had we not been corresponding. Are there some things you’d like the public to know about you? I wonder if that is important to you.
I have two meetings this week with potential new clients (fingers crossed) and have also been applying to jobs. I’d hate to give up my freelance lifestyle, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I love freedom, but I like not being homeless more.
Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear your six-word memoir and maybe even a travel one too… maybe about Africa???
And yes, Who’s Afraid of… made me extremely tense.
Ah, the breast reduction surgery I actually had TWICE. When I was 32 I had it done. I won’t get into graphic detail, but they were still too big afterwards and within a year they grew back to their original size. So last year when I turned 38 I went back and got it redone. They are almost too small now, but I am much happier. The first time left me with no scars, but this time I do have them. Still, fitting in clothes perfectly is priceless. I guess I should mentioned I’ve also had a nose job (actually two because the first heeled with a bump). So there you go, you now know more about me than before. The wedding picture was after the first reduction but before the second. I’m done with surgery, although I really hate my neck…
I have been systematically going through all my closets/drawers and organizing them, taking out winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. Many things are too big for me as I’ve lost weight, so I have to shift the closets around. I am trying to make everything neat and perfect before leaving this Sunday to Alaska. Tonight I have the second part of my writing class: HOW TO GET PUBLISHED. Basically it teaches you how to get an agent and the importance of the query letter. I had to write one tonight to bring to class. I hope to take another class after summer about HOW TO WRITE A NON-FICTION BOOK PROPOSAL. Then this Friday is my cooking class in PAELLA. A class of 12 makes three types of paella and at the end of the class we get to eat them and drink wine. YUM!
Not sure if you are following the crazy weather the East Coast has been experiencing, but we have had weeks of rain. I have forgotten what the sun looks like. Usually by now I’ve been to the beach and am tan. Instead I’m pasty white and have not been near the sand and surf. Hopefully when I return from Alaska I can salvage what remains of the summer.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. ---KK
THREE LETTERS! Let me start by saying that I’m very anxious today, and I fear the depression is really moving in. I am upset about money/work stuff---haven’t got enough clients to make enough to support my lifestyle now so I have been looking for more and also trying to apply to full-time jobs, but they are scarce. Today was my last day at the personal trainer b/c I can’t afford it anymore, and I fear I’ll get flabby. I do not have the will to go to the gym without a trainer so I am not signing up for one. Also, there are some other things going on in my life that I can’t really discuss here now, but they involve a lawsuit. (Not against me…the other way around.)
It has been raining for days. It is grey and very sticky and humid out. After my last training session I went to my favorite Indian place to get lunch, but the Universe, once again, is conspiring against me because as I was eating I saw not one but TWO roaches. Ugh. Some days are better if you just lock yourself in the house.
Onto your questions. I did not grow up in NYC, but just across the river in NJ, by Hoboken. Not sure if you know where that is. I am an only child so there was no buffer from my schizo mother. It was really awful. But it has helped me become creative and I can amuse myself quite easily. I have many close friends, but tend to like to be alone a lot more than most. I relish the peace and quiet because I did not have it in my early years. Tell me about your brothers…
The smell of stale cigarettes in a warm, unventilated room bring me right back… ugh. You mentioned you would have loved to have met me in ’93…what were you doing in ’93? I don’t think you were in jail yet, right? But you were a dr. by then? I was still living in NJ in ’93 but I lived alone in a small basement apt. I always wanted to move to NYC because I knew that my mother would never come here. It worked!
There is no cure for interstitial cystitis and no one knows what causes it. There are a few treatments, most of which are painful and did not work for me. I am generally fine with few flair-ups as long as I watch what I eat and drink and get lots of sleep. I sleep A LOT and need a steady schedule or else my bladder acts up. Most people don’t know or notice thankfully.
So you avoided getting HIV? That is very good---but you had girlfriends in Africa. I’m assuming you only dated people who were tested… You are right in assuming I would find it inappropriate to discuss anything sexual in letters. I am happy to be your penpal, but I don’t think it wise to write anything sexually explicit to someone incarcerated. I assume your letters are read by guards or others in the jail system.
I do not have many HIV positive friends. In fact I only know one person with it and apparently he has had it since ’85 and has never taken a cocktail or any other meds for it. .He appears healthier than I am… In this regard he is lucky.
I haven’t watched the first season of Breaking Bad yet b/c the first disc is not available on Netflix. I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find John Hamm dreamy!
You mention you find it odd people still remember you and your case. I guess they do because Blind Eye was a bestseller and tons of people read it. It was quite powerful. Reading it was pretty scary. Many of my friends have read it before I even knew about it or who you were so they are afraid you might want to poison me. Sure hope not. The guy who wrote it grew up in Quincy, Illinois.
David Sedaris IS related to the actress/comedienne Amy Sedaris.
You mention having worked in healthcare you have known many gays. Have you ever had gay experiences? There is no mention of that in the book about you so I assume not, but you never know…
IN TREATMENT ended very anticlimactically. He quits his own therapist, is still single, doesn’t get back with his wife and his patients all quit for some reason or another. I heard they are still in talks for Season Three as the ratings went way down.
My god-daughter is 9. She lives in NJ with her parents. Her mother is an old and close friend of mine. I actually have two god-daughters. The other is only 9mos and her name is London. She lives here by me in NYC. She hasn’t been to the zoo yet, although her mom just took her to Greece for 10 days. Kids are scary and draining. I’m better with dogs.
Glad you liked the creepy cards I have sent. I collect creepy postcards.
Wow! You are up everyday at 6:15am? For breakfast? I guess you must go to bed early if you are eating your dinner at 5pm. Jail sounds so strange and scary and depressing, but also regimented. I like regimented. I am very regimented, although I hate having others tell me what to do.
You mention the Nurse Jackie clipping was sent to you by your medical correspondent…who is that? An old dr. colleague? It’s great you have lots of people who write that you correspond with. I will not be watching Nurse Jackie. Just doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want to start a new show.
This week I did something fun and different. I went all the way over to a place betw. Aves. B and C that I used to go to when I was in college. I used to go for urban poetry slams but this Tuesday they had this thing from a group called MOTH Story Slams. The concept is that each week it is held in a different place and there is a different theme. Tuesday’s was WHEELS. So people can put their name in a hat and 10 are picked to tell 5 minute stories (telling, not reading) about that topic. (I just went to watch.) The audience votes on each story and at the end a winner is picked. It was such a great night. The story I liked the best was by a guy with a great name: REED JENNER. He was so very handsome too. No wedding band. So I sent him a message the following day telling him how moved I was by his quirky and very personal story (it was about a comical suicide attempt.) Turns out he lives right by me only a few blocks away. Too bad he just had his girlfriend move in. At least I made a new friend… I plan on going to more of these Story Slams. The next one I am available for is CUPID in July. I will not be telling a story, but if EXCRETIONS, JEANS, or SHOPPING are ever topics, you know which I will be telling.
I don’t have many plans this weekend. I may to go NJ Sat. night to hang out with a friend in my old neighborhood. Haven’t really been back in 10 years, so it’ll be odd.
Well, as always, take care.
--Kelly
***
Dear MS—
I was surprised I didn’t get a letter from you last week, but there was a big envelope in my mailbox today! I find it odd that you think I have a wall up. I feel like I am extremely forthcoming to you (and most I meet.) I am typically very open. In the regard to the “HIV case” I cannot discuss this at present b/c it involves a lawsuit (not against me) and as I’m sure you are well aware, legally I cannot discuss anything while it remains open. I am sorry for being cryptic in this regard, but I do not even discuss the ins and outs of it with my real-life acquaintances. Believe me, I promise to write about this very publicly when I am able to.
When something bad happens to me, I process it better by writing about it. That is why blogging has been so powerful and therapeutic for me. The column, a less-serious extension of that, was also helpful to me in airing out my relationships and by doing so, seeing them more clearly. I think most things can be cured—well, maybe not cured, but helped—by writing about them.
I love hearing about your doctor/paramedic stories, so feel free to send more on. Surely you can understand, though, that I do not want to blindly believe anything I read about you. That is why I specifically ask you so many questions. I want to hear the full story from your point of view. I realize you are not allowed to write it to me in its entirety, but I really wish there was a “Blind Eye” written by you. You don’t dispute you did things that make you deserve to be in jail, but you have never really detailed what exactly you did. So I am left to only having what is written in print and online as a resource and that is not good. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Or at least an article? I know this might sound absurd, but given the American public’s fascination with murderers and the like, I’d love to be able to write a book about the incarcerated’s thoughts---like what do they think about their crimes, the penal system, the prisons they are in & how do they keep going knowing they will be in jail for the rest of their life, or worse, on Death Row. It seems to me that prisoners seem to lose their voice once convicted, and while I would offer no editorialization of my own, their words should be heard and stand by themselves. For example, your clarification on KK’s autopsy. I would have never known that had we not been corresponding. Are there some things you’d like the public to know about you? I wonder if that is important to you.
I have two meetings this week with potential new clients (fingers crossed) and have also been applying to jobs. I’d hate to give up my freelance lifestyle, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I love freedom, but I like not being homeless more.
Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear your six-word memoir and maybe even a travel one too… maybe about Africa???
And yes, Who’s Afraid of… made me extremely tense.
Ah, the breast reduction surgery I actually had TWICE. When I was 32 I had it done. I won’t get into graphic detail, but they were still too big afterwards and within a year they grew back to their original size. So last year when I turned 38 I went back and got it redone. They are almost too small now, but I am much happier. The first time left me with no scars, but this time I do have them. Still, fitting in clothes perfectly is priceless. I guess I should mentioned I’ve also had a nose job (actually two because the first heeled with a bump). So there you go, you now know more about me than before. The wedding picture was after the first reduction but before the second. I’m done with surgery, although I really hate my neck…
I have been systematically going through all my closets/drawers and organizing them, taking out winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. Many things are too big for me as I’ve lost weight, so I have to shift the closets around. I am trying to make everything neat and perfect before leaving this Sunday to Alaska. Tonight I have the second part of my writing class: HOW TO GET PUBLISHED. Basically it teaches you how to get an agent and the importance of the query letter. I had to write one tonight to bring to class. I hope to take another class after summer about HOW TO WRITE A NON-FICTION BOOK PROPOSAL. Then this Friday is my cooking class in PAELLA. A class of 12 makes three types of paella and at the end of the class we get to eat them and drink wine. YUM!
Not sure if you are following the crazy weather the East Coast has been experiencing, but we have had weeks of rain. I have forgotten what the sun looks like. Usually by now I’ve been to the beach and am tan. Instead I’m pasty white and have not been near the sand and surf. Hopefully when I return from Alaska I can salvage what remains of the summer.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. ---KK
Monday, June 22, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #31
Dear KK---
So glad your letter from Sat 5/30 arrived yesterday, so I can at least start answering your always scintillating prose before the weekend. By the way, very elegant paper, and your printer appears to be functioning flawlessly.
Always interesting to receive your letters and know (roughly) what is in the letters already sent to you--and wonder if anything I say can break through that wall that you have so carefully constructed. That's not a negative--I do understand. In the past I've been pretty efficient at wall-building myself. Perhaps my best clue to an answer is you said you might share your "HIV story" in a year or two. Hope it is sooner; but if not that's ok, too. Because-once again, not t make you uncomfortable--knowing you is worth the wait--your personal, sensual, feminine interior side... I know it is rich and amazing, but I also know you reveal so little. I hope, in time, you can to me. Much more on this later, but for now let me get to some items in the news and to your letter:
>I saw that your birthday play--God of Carnage won as least three Tonys. Best Play, Best Director, and Best Actress for Marcia Gay Harden. Glad our viewing of it lived up to the buildup.
>In a letter you should have received in early June, I mentioned some calls I went on as a paramedic--in my continuing effort to reveal to you something of me that hasn't been wildly distorted by the things you've read! I told you about the autoerotic asphyxiation tragedies-so I thought it extremely coincidental when the news of David Carradine's bizarre death circumstances comes to us from Thailand. the initial reports & some of the background certainly sounds like autoerotic asphyxiation--but UNLIKE some people I know :-) I'm not ready to pronounce it fact. People have tried to cover up murder by using the shock & sensationalism of AEA.
By the way, as you well know, this is not the first time that the news has reflected something you and I have discussed OR that you and I have independently mentioned the same topic or sent similar articles... a fascinating meeting of the minds. Here's what I wish you could realize: The person you have these connections with--and I believe the connections go far deeper and more intimately--is not the person who committed the acts which resulted in my being here. It's "OK", KK, for you & I share and have common interests, and I hope, know each other much more.
With that said, my dear KK, let me segue into one of the many things in your letter I want to talk about... About every six months or so--more or less--I receive a letter from someone in Europe [often Holland for some reason.} Invariably they say something along the lines of: "I don't' know what is accurate or not of what I've read about you, but in my country we know all about the over 100 innocent men freed from death row. If they can get capital cases so wrong, then we assume a lot else is wrong too." Again, Kelly, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist... So--while I could never, ever hate you for asking questions, I must admit to being bemused & somewhat astonished at your willingness, you--my savvy, sophisticated, cynical [sexy & sensual took can't resist the alliteration! UMMM...!] New Yorker--to believe of accept as gospel almost anything you read about me!
Case in point--among several: "apparently the autopsy showed she had arsenic in her system." It's not easy to discuss, but KK would want me to correct the record. After KK's suicide in July 1993, she had an autopsy, of course, and was then cremated & ashes scattered. Very sad, very poignant. But as I said, I can talk about it when I need to... The autopsy showed no such result at all. Whoever wrote that, whether in a book or on the net or in a newspaper--is simply lying or ignorant.
[You are of course kidding, right? By now you must know I find you highly intelligent, very attractive, funny and very sexy/sensual (not that you dare reveal that part of you...) Hate you? Nonsense, KK.
There was never any mention of this "supposed" finding until after the book & media blitz years later. To this day I have no idea what is the basis. I would be extremely skeptical of any "lab results" suddenly appearing years later. Finally, so far as "migraines & sickness" --poor KK was tentatively diagnosed with Crohn's disease and suffered migraines long before she and I met.
So I have nothing to show/say that anyone was "sneaking" anything into her food or drink. I find it all very unlikely. and I know that I did not.
Again, if those Europeans can see the enormous injustices and inaccuracies in the actual system here/ surely you must take what you read or hear with a grain of salt. :-) A narrative has been created--and I'm sure anyone who reads it or thinks they "know it" believe every word [like those friends you mentioned]. But you, my intelligent and skeptical KK, can know me and let me know you--IF you are willing to open up.
Again, I understand the curiosity. But I could never "hate you" for your questions! [please read again what I said at the bottom of page 4]. And if you still feel like a "virtual stranger" --it's not because I haven't tried to get you to open up & let me inside you... you, try so hard to remain at arm's length, KK. But as I've said, I am patient and you are worth waiting for. If you don't think you are worth waiting for--that would be tragic, KK.
By the way, I could not agree with you more that knowing someone intimately, inside and out, is far more fulfilling & pleasurable than simply discussing films and your admittedly fascinating columns/blogs.
***
Returning to your letter [I can already see this letter will be continued over the weekend--my verbose nature the cause, as usual. But you are to blame too--for being so damned fascinating! :0]
Reading your letter, it sounds like you could definitely benefit from those meditation classes you mentioned! These words noted in your letter written on a "peaceful" Saturday: TENSE, OVERWHELMED, TRYING, FRUSTRATING... Then again I can only imagine the joy of encountering non-paying, deadbeat clients during this economic mess. Aaauugh!
One's memory palace is perfect for relaxation and meditation... [NOTE: Much to discuss re: memory palace... will try to start with that next time.]
Along with your deadbeat client, you mentioned another idiot client who e-mailed insults and abuse to you. There is a theory I ascribe to that such individuals somehow believe they can say anything by e-mail. They would not dare say such things either face-to-face or on the phone. Email is their "weapon of choice." Your self-control in the face of such abuse is remarkable, KK.
You wondered if "these machines" actually have intelligence? I have a humorous and a serious response: OF COURSE they are! And when SkyNet becomes self-aware the machines will unite and destroy mankind!!! Seriously, however, the whole idea of increasingly intelligent, human-like "self aware" machines is a highly intriguing, admittedly nerdy topic. Alan Turing & John van Neumann wrote about this in the 50s and 60s. Brilliant stuff. Stands up even today.
Oh, and by the way--both your computers are actively conspiring against you and the Kinkos computers were in on it too..! xoxo
Sounds like quite a show you went to Saturday night with an author, a band, comedians and "six-word memoirists".
Love your 6 word Life Memoir and Travel. Let me ponder that for a bit, and will send you anything I come up with.
And thank you for your haikuX2--another small piece of the marvelous puzzled that is Kelly K...
You mentioned yelling & fighting couples on stage in God of Carnage. You must adore Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?!!
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan in the audience. If you get a chance-watch those "Rescue Me' episodes featuring Fox this season. He is so good in that role.
Running short on time, so let me say just a couple of things and get this in the mail:
"Brothers Bloom"/"Adoration"/others you and I have mentioned. Big stars, big directors, bad films. Why does this happen so often.
Finally, you mentioned your breast-reduction surgery. I don't' know if your wedding photo was before or after-but as I said earlier, every part of you look absolutely lovely.... Was that a difficult decision to make? It is well-known in surgical circles that breast reduction surgery is a much more difficult operation than breast augmentation. Talk to me. I'm sure you went through a lot both before & after... I would say more, but don't want to make you uncomfortable...
Speaking of which, my letter over the weekend will talk about memory & memory palace--as well as the "night dance" & "Scout". I'm sure no matter what I say, it will make you uncomfortable...I hope I can change that, KK...completely.]
And your additional "questions" of course! Your questions how amazing insight & intensity; now if you an realize I have the same attitude in wanting to know so much more about you, and OMG! do I dare dream of such insight & intensity directed towards other parts of life & the human experience?
Be good, be calm [Ohmmmmm....], and know I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. There is a radio station (on the TV) that plays Alt Rock/Grunge/Industrial Rock including Nirvana.
So glad your letter from Sat 5/30 arrived yesterday, so I can at least start answering your always scintillating prose before the weekend. By the way, very elegant paper, and your printer appears to be functioning flawlessly.
Always interesting to receive your letters and know (roughly) what is in the letters already sent to you--and wonder if anything I say can break through that wall that you have so carefully constructed. That's not a negative--I do understand. In the past I've been pretty efficient at wall-building myself. Perhaps my best clue to an answer is you said you might share your "HIV story" in a year or two. Hope it is sooner; but if not that's ok, too. Because-once again, not t make you uncomfortable--knowing you is worth the wait--your personal, sensual, feminine interior side... I know it is rich and amazing, but I also know you reveal so little. I hope, in time, you can to me. Much more on this later, but for now let me get to some items in the news and to your letter:
>I saw that your birthday play--God of Carnage won as least three Tonys. Best Play, Best Director, and Best Actress for Marcia Gay Harden. Glad our viewing of it lived up to the buildup.
>In a letter you should have received in early June, I mentioned some calls I went on as a paramedic--in my continuing effort to reveal to you something of me that hasn't been wildly distorted by the things you've read! I told you about the autoerotic asphyxiation tragedies-so I thought it extremely coincidental when the news of David Carradine's bizarre death circumstances comes to us from Thailand. the initial reports & some of the background certainly sounds like autoerotic asphyxiation--but UNLIKE some people I know :-) I'm not ready to pronounce it fact. People have tried to cover up murder by using the shock & sensationalism of AEA.
By the way, as you well know, this is not the first time that the news has reflected something you and I have discussed OR that you and I have independently mentioned the same topic or sent similar articles... a fascinating meeting of the minds. Here's what I wish you could realize: The person you have these connections with--and I believe the connections go far deeper and more intimately--is not the person who committed the acts which resulted in my being here. It's "OK", KK, for you & I share and have common interests, and I hope, know each other much more.
With that said, my dear KK, let me segue into one of the many things in your letter I want to talk about... About every six months or so--more or less--I receive a letter from someone in Europe [often Holland for some reason.} Invariably they say something along the lines of: "I don't' know what is accurate or not of what I've read about you, but in my country we know all about the over 100 innocent men freed from death row. If they can get capital cases so wrong, then we assume a lot else is wrong too." Again, Kelly, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist... So--while I could never, ever hate you for asking questions, I must admit to being bemused & somewhat astonished at your willingness, you--my savvy, sophisticated, cynical [sexy & sensual took can't resist the alliteration! UMMM...!] New Yorker--to believe of accept as gospel almost anything you read about me!
Case in point--among several: "apparently the autopsy showed she had arsenic in her system." It's not easy to discuss, but KK would want me to correct the record. After KK's suicide in July 1993, she had an autopsy, of course, and was then cremated & ashes scattered. Very sad, very poignant. But as I said, I can talk about it when I need to... The autopsy showed no such result at all. Whoever wrote that, whether in a book or on the net or in a newspaper--is simply lying or ignorant.
[You are of course kidding, right? By now you must know I find you highly intelligent, very attractive, funny and very sexy/sensual (not that you dare reveal that part of you...) Hate you? Nonsense, KK.
There was never any mention of this "supposed" finding until after the book & media blitz years later. To this day I have no idea what is the basis. I would be extremely skeptical of any "lab results" suddenly appearing years later. Finally, so far as "migraines & sickness" --poor KK was tentatively diagnosed with Crohn's disease and suffered migraines long before she and I met.
So I have nothing to show/say that anyone was "sneaking" anything into her food or drink. I find it all very unlikely. and I know that I did not.
Again, if those Europeans can see the enormous injustices and inaccuracies in the actual system here/ surely you must take what you read or hear with a grain of salt. :-) A narrative has been created--and I'm sure anyone who reads it or thinks they "know it" believe every word [like those friends you mentioned]. But you, my intelligent and skeptical KK, can know me and let me know you--IF you are willing to open up.
Again, I understand the curiosity. But I could never "hate you" for your questions! [please read again what I said at the bottom of page 4]. And if you still feel like a "virtual stranger" --it's not because I haven't tried to get you to open up & let me inside you... you, try so hard to remain at arm's length, KK. But as I've said, I am patient and you are worth waiting for. If you don't think you are worth waiting for--that would be tragic, KK.
By the way, I could not agree with you more that knowing someone intimately, inside and out, is far more fulfilling & pleasurable than simply discussing films and your admittedly fascinating columns/blogs.
***
Returning to your letter [I can already see this letter will be continued over the weekend--my verbose nature the cause, as usual. But you are to blame too--for being so damned fascinating! :0]
Reading your letter, it sounds like you could definitely benefit from those meditation classes you mentioned! These words noted in your letter written on a "peaceful" Saturday: TENSE, OVERWHELMED, TRYING, FRUSTRATING... Then again I can only imagine the joy of encountering non-paying, deadbeat clients during this economic mess. Aaauugh!
One's memory palace is perfect for relaxation and meditation... [NOTE: Much to discuss re: memory palace... will try to start with that next time.]
Along with your deadbeat client, you mentioned another idiot client who e-mailed insults and abuse to you. There is a theory I ascribe to that such individuals somehow believe they can say anything by e-mail. They would not dare say such things either face-to-face or on the phone. Email is their "weapon of choice." Your self-control in the face of such abuse is remarkable, KK.
You wondered if "these machines" actually have intelligence? I have a humorous and a serious response: OF COURSE they are! And when SkyNet becomes self-aware the machines will unite and destroy mankind!!! Seriously, however, the whole idea of increasingly intelligent, human-like "self aware" machines is a highly intriguing, admittedly nerdy topic. Alan Turing & John van Neumann wrote about this in the 50s and 60s. Brilliant stuff. Stands up even today.
Oh, and by the way--both your computers are actively conspiring against you and the Kinkos computers were in on it too..! xoxo
Sounds like quite a show you went to Saturday night with an author, a band, comedians and "six-word memoirists".
Love your 6 word Life Memoir and Travel. Let me ponder that for a bit, and will send you anything I come up with.
And thank you for your haikuX2--another small piece of the marvelous puzzled that is Kelly K...
You mentioned yelling & fighting couples on stage in God of Carnage. You must adore Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?!!
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan in the audience. If you get a chance-watch those "Rescue Me' episodes featuring Fox this season. He is so good in that role.
Running short on time, so let me say just a couple of things and get this in the mail:
"Brothers Bloom"/"Adoration"/others you and I have mentioned. Big stars, big directors, bad films. Why does this happen so often.
Finally, you mentioned your breast-reduction surgery. I don't' know if your wedding photo was before or after-but as I said earlier, every part of you look absolutely lovely.... Was that a difficult decision to make? It is well-known in surgical circles that breast reduction surgery is a much more difficult operation than breast augmentation. Talk to me. I'm sure you went through a lot both before & after... I would say more, but don't want to make you uncomfortable...
Speaking of which, my letter over the weekend will talk about memory & memory palace--as well as the "night dance" & "Scout". I'm sure no matter what I say, it will make you uncomfortable...I hope I can change that, KK...completely.]
And your additional "questions" of course! Your questions how amazing insight & intensity; now if you an realize I have the same attitude in wanting to know so much more about you, and OMG! do I dare dream of such insight & intensity directed towards other parts of life & the human experience?
Be good, be calm [Ohmmmmm....], and know I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. There is a radio station (on the TV) that plays Alt Rock/Grunge/Industrial Rock including Nirvana.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Whitaker, #7
Dear Kelly,
Well, I am going to make an attempt at writing a semi-coherent letter, but no promises. In case you haven't seen the update on mb6 (www.minutesbeforesix.com), they took me to the hospital for two weeks, and I had my surgery on the 5th. I'm still a little out of it, and very tired, but I stopped taking the Tylenol 3s because I hate feeling like a zombie. My head is just starting to clear a bit. Hard to tell at this point whether the operation was a success, but I have high hopes. I knew immediately the last time that something was wrong, and I don't get that feeling this time around, so that is good. Damn, I hate hunting and pecking with one hand...annoying. [Ed.: He typically hand writes his letters, but I assume since he can't use his arm, they have allowed him the use of a typewriter.] Thankfully, they managed to get me most of my mail from my absence, so I have plenty to do this weekend. Actually, I'm not even touching about 95% of this shit. I've really been cutting back on my correspondence, but you would be amazed at how much fluff still exists in my life. How do we attract so much unnecessary clutter? How did your Memorial Day weekend deal go? End up drinking that whole bottle yourself? Hah, you asked about hooch. No, they don't sell alcohol here. But you can make it. Sugar+yeast-alcohol and C02. There are many formulas for this, some better than others, mine better than most. Obviously, if they catch you, you get a case and go to F-Pod. Of course, if some clever person were to find a poor drunkard to hold the fermenting brew in reward for a few bottles free of charge, then there wouldn't be any risk, would there? :-) Take about a week to brew, if you do it right and make the "kicker" correctly, which is usually fermenting fruit. Tastes like all the foulness in the world, but it gets the job done quite well. I was in a Unit called Limestone once, where the guards sold bottles of Jack Daniels for 75 dollars, which was interesting. I didn't have the cash, but it was fun to see. Of course, most drugs are available, should one desire, but I made a decision not to do that shite anymore years ago. You would be amazed what sounds sensible on Meth.
So, Texas scares you some? Me too. I hate this fucking state. Austin is cool, I guess. And no, I try to stay way from the whole Texas drawl thing, which requires constant vigilance. You never realize just how much the speech patterns of others affect you, until you are really paying attention not to mimic them. As far as the visitation thing goes, I would be honored to meet you, should you ever come South. Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than all that. I have a list which is ten slots long. I can alter this list every six months. It is a bit of a juggling act, keeping certain people on there, and so forth, but I can manage. The major thing is, I would need to know well in advance about your trip, maybe even as far as six months ahead of time, in order to get it all set up. Being that you are from more than 400 miles away, there exits the options for a "special visit", which is longer in length and also for additional days, if such is desired. We can talk more about this, if you want. I've never had a lot of luck with out of town visits, but I'm ever an optimist. (wretches)
Haha, so you'd sell my lovesick letters on Ebay, huh? Bitch! Would be pretty fun, though, especially if I went into all sorts of fucked up fantasies with clowns and howler monkeys and the like. Hell, we could probably make some real cash... Maybe one day, if I ever get desperate.
My favorite words...hm...you know, I don't really know. They are just sort of tools for me. Let's see...I like the word chem-iluminescens...fun to say and I sort of think this is what we humans are...emitting light in chemical reactions with each other in a sea of darkness. Its been years since I've seen a Scrabble dictionary, but remember it being jam-packed with words I didn't know. Thanks for looking up all that stuff for me. The New Yorker is cheaper than I thought. I think I will get a subscription later this year, when something else ends. Seems like there is lots of good stuff in there. I'm also thinking about changing my newspaper. I get the USA today, but so many people get that here I could just borrow from them. Maybe a weekend subscription to the NY Times. I saw they had an ad for a weekend version for like $5.20 a week, or something. Think that would be worth it. The Sunday edition is good, right? Prison Legal News is a decent publication, with lots of data on case law for jailhouse lawyers. Sort of stripped down on legal theory, but heavy on application. Smithsonian is hit or miss. I don't think I will do that one again. I guess magazines are simply a way to stay connected in some way to the world. You tend to feel like you aren't a part of it any more, living here. I'm afraid I've never quite gotten over my Marxist leanings, so I thin I'm going to get a European publication called the "New Left", also. I've got a budget that I adhere to rather strenuously, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself., but I do tend to play way out in advance.
no, I haven't met my Dad's new wife yet. I can edit my list in July, and I will add her to it. They are now in Aspen until September, so I guess I will see her when I see her. Everybody says she is nice, which usually mean I am going to dislike such a person immediately, but maybe this time will be different. She is good for my Dad, and that is all that matters. Sorry for all the errors...I'm out of correctable type ribbons. You would think that hunting and pecking would produce a cleaner letter, but you would be wrong. I guess I'm still a little fuzzy upstairs.
That is quite a story you told me about your youth. I hardly know where to begin, and I fear saying something which would be taken as patronizing. Quite frankly I am amazed at your strength. I knew, of course, that your childhood had been difficult, but I had no idea. I guess what I mean to say is that I am proud to know you, Kelly. Most people would have folded a long time ago, but you kept going. Gives me hope, because while my situation is nowhere close to yours, and deserved, I sometimes wonder if I have the fortitude to go on. I guess if you can make it, I have no excuse not to. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother now? What is your relationship like with her? I understand the feeling of not liking to write about the past. It's sort of walking barefoot down memory lane when someone has gone ahead of you breaking bottles all over the place. I understand that the past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it, but it is much more complicated than all that. I don't really know what I am, in terms of putting a name or title to my mental make-up. Obviously I don't feel close to "normal" (whatever the fuck that means) on a lot of issues. Nonetheless, I am trying to be a high-performing whatever-I-am, and this requires me to evaluate a lot of the past, so I can see where my errors come from. Does that make sense? sometimes I wonder if anything I say makes sense to people, or if they just nod and try to move the conversation along. The thing is, for all of my broken morality and weird ways, I'm mostly right about my opinion of the world. About all the illusions we live with, we choose. Its as if, once you see through the bullshit, through all the sophisms of being human, you can't go back, and society has no place for you. I lost control of myself and went nuts, but it was my actions and not my thoughts which were wrong. I was too young to understand what it all meant in a broader context. I feel we are a very, very broken species, half evolved and only barely logical at the best of times. We have invented all of this bullshit to try to distract us from the fact hat the night is long and full of things that do not care about us and I guess this was necessary, but we have lost sight of the fact that all of our myths were bullshit to begin with. We actually believe it now. Even if I were released tomorrow, I don't feel I have a place here anymore. I don't know what I would do. There are no more horizons to push for, at least until we get a handle on travelling to the stars, and I think that such a job is the only thing I am fit for. I would have enjoyed being in the company of Colonel Fawcett, or the like back when there were still portions of the map labeled "terra incognita". I think you get me a little on this, because you have mentioned this sort of nebulous hole in your life, something missing, and I think the root of this is the way we have chosen to design our society. What would you do, if you could do anything?
I get so damnably tired these days so easily. No energy at all. And my staples are itching like you wouldn't believe. I don't know how many there are, but at least 70. They took some bone from my left calf, and some more from my left hip, so I'm pretty worthless from now. I know chicks dig scars, but I think I've taken the theory to a rather ridiculous level. I just hope it was done right this time. I haven't been able to work out in two years, and I miss it. The chin-up bar mocks me :). Well, Kelly, I think I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just out of gas. I hope this finds you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon...Be safe.
T.
P.S. Great picture of you cut out from your business card. Hot, really. So...how you doin'? :)
Well, I am going to make an attempt at writing a semi-coherent letter, but no promises. In case you haven't seen the update on mb6 (www.minutesbeforesix.com), they took me to the hospital for two weeks, and I had my surgery on the 5th. I'm still a little out of it, and very tired, but I stopped taking the Tylenol 3s because I hate feeling like a zombie. My head is just starting to clear a bit. Hard to tell at this point whether the operation was a success, but I have high hopes. I knew immediately the last time that something was wrong, and I don't get that feeling this time around, so that is good. Damn, I hate hunting and pecking with one hand...annoying. [Ed.: He typically hand writes his letters, but I assume since he can't use his arm, they have allowed him the use of a typewriter.] Thankfully, they managed to get me most of my mail from my absence, so I have plenty to do this weekend. Actually, I'm not even touching about 95% of this shit. I've really been cutting back on my correspondence, but you would be amazed at how much fluff still exists in my life. How do we attract so much unnecessary clutter? How did your Memorial Day weekend deal go? End up drinking that whole bottle yourself? Hah, you asked about hooch. No, they don't sell alcohol here. But you can make it. Sugar+yeast-alcohol and C02. There are many formulas for this, some better than others, mine better than most. Obviously, if they catch you, you get a case and go to F-Pod. Of course, if some clever person were to find a poor drunkard to hold the fermenting brew in reward for a few bottles free of charge, then there wouldn't be any risk, would there? :-) Take about a week to brew, if you do it right and make the "kicker" correctly, which is usually fermenting fruit. Tastes like all the foulness in the world, but it gets the job done quite well. I was in a Unit called Limestone once, where the guards sold bottles of Jack Daniels for 75 dollars, which was interesting. I didn't have the cash, but it was fun to see. Of course, most drugs are available, should one desire, but I made a decision not to do that shite anymore years ago. You would be amazed what sounds sensible on Meth.
So, Texas scares you some? Me too. I hate this fucking state. Austin is cool, I guess. And no, I try to stay way from the whole Texas drawl thing, which requires constant vigilance. You never realize just how much the speech patterns of others affect you, until you are really paying attention not to mimic them. As far as the visitation thing goes, I would be honored to meet you, should you ever come South. Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than all that. I have a list which is ten slots long. I can alter this list every six months. It is a bit of a juggling act, keeping certain people on there, and so forth, but I can manage. The major thing is, I would need to know well in advance about your trip, maybe even as far as six months ahead of time, in order to get it all set up. Being that you are from more than 400 miles away, there exits the options for a "special visit", which is longer in length and also for additional days, if such is desired. We can talk more about this, if you want. I've never had a lot of luck with out of town visits, but I'm ever an optimist. (wretches)
Haha, so you'd sell my lovesick letters on Ebay, huh? Bitch! Would be pretty fun, though, especially if I went into all sorts of fucked up fantasies with clowns and howler monkeys and the like. Hell, we could probably make some real cash...
My favorite words...hm...you know, I don't really know. They are just sort of tools for me. Let's see...I like the word chem-iluminescens...fun to say and I sort of think this is what we humans are...emitting light in chemical reactions with each other in a sea of darkness. Its been years since I've seen a Scrabble dictionary, but remember it being jam-packed with words I didn't know. Thanks for looking up all that stuff for me. The New Yorker is cheaper than I thought. I think I will get a subscription later this year, when something else ends. Seems like there is lots of good stuff in there. I'm also thinking about changing my newspaper. I get the USA today, but so many people get that here I could just borrow from them. Maybe a weekend subscription to the NY Times. I saw they had an ad for a weekend version for like $5.20 a week, or something. Think that would be worth it. The Sunday edition is good, right? Prison Legal News is a decent publication, with lots of data on case law for jailhouse lawyers. Sort of stripped down on legal theory, but heavy on application. Smithsonian is hit or miss. I don't think I will do that one again. I guess magazines are simply a way to stay connected in some way to the world. You tend to feel like you aren't a part of it any more, living here. I'm afraid I've never quite gotten over my Marxist leanings, so I thin I'm going to get a European publication called the "New Left", also. I've got a budget that I adhere to rather strenuously, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself., but I do tend to play way out in advance.
no, I haven't met my Dad's new wife yet. I can edit my list in July, and I will add her to it. They are now in Aspen until September, so I guess I will see her when I see her. Everybody says she is nice, which usually mean I am going to dislike such a person immediately, but maybe this time will be different. She is good for my Dad, and that is all that matters. Sorry for all the errors...I'm out of correctable type ribbons. You would think that hunting and pecking would produce a cleaner letter, but you would be wrong. I guess I'm still a little fuzzy upstairs.
That is quite a story you told me about your youth. I hardly know where to begin, and I fear saying something which would be taken as patronizing. Quite frankly I am amazed at your strength. I knew, of course, that your childhood had been difficult, but I had no idea. I guess what I mean to say is that I am proud to know you, Kelly. Most people would have folded a long time ago, but you kept going. Gives me hope, because while my situation is nowhere close to yours, and deserved, I sometimes wonder if I have the fortitude to go on. I guess if you can make it, I have no excuse not to. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother now? What is your relationship like with her? I understand the feeling of not liking to write about the past. It's sort of walking barefoot down memory lane when someone has gone ahead of you breaking bottles all over the place. I understand that the past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it, but it is much more complicated than all that. I don't really know what I am, in terms of putting a name or title to my mental make-up. Obviously I don't feel close to "normal" (whatever the fuck that means) on a lot of issues. Nonetheless, I am trying to be a high-performing whatever-I-am, and this requires me to evaluate a lot of the past, so I can see where my errors come from. Does that make sense? sometimes I wonder if anything I say makes sense to people, or if they just nod and try to move the conversation along. The thing is, for all of my broken morality and weird ways, I'm mostly right about my opinion of the world. About all the illusions we live with, we choose. Its as if, once you see through the bullshit, through all the sophisms of being human, you can't go back, and society has no place for you. I lost control of myself and went nuts, but it was my actions and not my thoughts which were wrong. I was too young to understand what it all meant in a broader context. I feel we are a very, very broken species, half evolved and only barely logical at the best of times. We have invented all of this bullshit to try to distract us from the fact hat the night is long and full of things that do not care about us and I guess this was necessary, but we have lost sight of the fact that all of our myths were bullshit to begin with. We actually believe it now. Even if I were released tomorrow, I don't feel I have a place here anymore. I don't know what I would do. There are no more horizons to push for, at least until we get a handle on travelling to the stars, and I think that such a job is the only thing I am fit for. I would have enjoyed being in the company of Colonel Fawcett, or the like back when there were still portions of the map labeled "terra incognita". I think you get me a little on this, because you have mentioned this sort of nebulous hole in your life, something missing, and I think the root of this is the way we have chosen to design our society. What would you do, if you could do anything?
I get so damnably tired these days so easily. No energy at all. And my staples are itching like you wouldn't believe. I don't know how many there are, but at least 70. They took some bone from my left calf, and some more from my left hip, so I'm pretty worthless from now. I know chicks dig scars, but I think I've taken the theory to a rather ridiculous level. I just hope it was done right this time. I haven't been able to work out in two years, and I miss it. The chin-up bar mocks me :). Well, Kelly, I think I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just out of gas. I hope this finds you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon...Be safe.
T.
P.S. Great picture of you cut out from your business card. Hot, really. So...how you doin'? :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #30
Dear KK---
Hi sunshine! Although I don't think that applied to the previous Sunday when you took your god-daughter to the Central Park Zoo. You sounded tired on an "alas...just a simple Sunday." Maybe a little down, too, but hard to tell. Then again, I could say something like: That Kelly K is sooo hot, that even the goats are hitting on her! Munch, munch!
Although your letter was relatively brief, you added a trio of fascinating and entertaining KK blogs/essays. Really good. And I will again say: your other book ideas withstanding, your essays & blogs are perfect for a truly entertaining book. For am even darker touch, you can throw in some of my experiences over the years!
[Ed.: I usually don't editorialize, but not only has he given permission to post his letters on my blog, but now he appears to be encouraging me to write about him.]
To you letter:
For someone who hates crowds, I can't imagine that the Central Park Zoo on a lovely spring day is exactly conducive to your mental well-being. Yikes! So you're a godmother--another interesting part of you revealed. How old is our god-daughter? Very sweet. Her parents must be very good friends.
[As with almost every subject under the sun-I am reminded of the "Seinfeld" episode about the Bris. One of their best.]
To be honest, I don't know how anyone is able to keep up with even a fraction of the numerous TV shows & series. Even with TiVo, etc., one still has to take the time to physically watch the taped episodes. No, I don't watch the Bachelorette, but these reality shows [Idol, Dancing, etc.] are amazingly popular.
So--please tell me how "IN TREATMENT" ended. You have definitely made me a fan, with its panoply of bizarre characters. Will there be a Season III? Sounds like the show is getting a lot of positive press.
Umm...wishing I was able to write some magic words or paint an arousing word picture to take your mind away! :) XO--to banish those "thoughts of doom"... a hot day you say.."finish this food and shower and lay in bed with the A/C.."
In one of your essays--you talked about "a nice boyfriend" to lay in bed with, win at scrabble with, and watch movies in the dead of winter while snow covers the city!
Both of the above mise-en-scenes remind me of extremely pleasant experiences of my own. You really are a romantic deep down---I like that. By the way, I'm pretty good at Scrabble...sorry, couldn't resist!
Cute but creepy card you sent just before that letter. I've probably seen way too many horror films--but the kids with the bags on their heads made me think of the adverts for that film "THE STRANGERS" last year, or one of the Diane Arbus odd photos.
[Ed.: This is odd because the card was very cute. The picture was of kids wearing funny masks and it was blank inside but from a children's foundation. Not creepy at all.]
In that cared you had a few questions: meal times are approximate & variable--roughly speaking 1615/1100/1700. I already mentioned the multiple classes. Unfortunately, no job--very few available in these unique circumstances.
I'm not at all surprised that we both sent articles on neuroscientific/psychological experiments. I'm learning more & more that you and I often think alike. The details of the "Stanford Prison Experiment" are simply incredible. I know you barely have time to breathe, let alone read--but that book by the psychologist with the "Z" name [Zambardo?--something like that] sounds well worth your time, and mine. I've not a chance to read it either.
Not sure if you're ready for any "equally probing questions" --much as I do want to know you inside & out; mind, body & "soul." Perhaps after I discuss some of those long conversations & questions I've had about men & women & relationships & sexuality/sensuality. But one think I do know--you & I are both complex people with complicated pasts (and presents!) with much to share...dear KK...
By the way, I noticed that W.A. Mozart card you enclosed with that picture card. More to say about music and memory in future letters. I want to know your gut & emotional reactions to certain songs & music. To know more about the deeper, darker? you...
Since you are already overwhelmed with too many shows & films & parties & not enough time--what better to send you than a preview of what sounds like a pretty good new Showtime series: "NURSE FALCO"--starring Edie Falco. Sent to me from the Times from my "medical" correspondent.
A great segue to stories of drug-addicted & drug-using nurses & doctors--I've seen a lot. Later, I promise, if you're interested.
Let me get this in the mail to you. Will talk about your blog/essays next time. [N.J. Rory & the preop-transsexual-just another day in the city...!] You take care of yourself---some TLC & warm baths. Thinking of you, KK
Yours,
Michael
Hi sunshine! Although I don't think that applied to the previous Sunday when you took your god-daughter to the Central Park Zoo. You sounded tired on an "alas...just a simple Sunday." Maybe a little down, too, but hard to tell. Then again, I could say something like: That Kelly K is sooo hot, that even the goats are hitting on her! Munch, munch!
Although your letter was relatively brief, you added a trio of fascinating and entertaining KK blogs/essays. Really good. And I will again say: your other book ideas withstanding, your essays & blogs are perfect for a truly entertaining book. For am even darker touch, you can throw in some of my experiences over the years!
[Ed.: I usually don't editorialize, but not only has he given permission to post his letters on my blog, but now he appears to be encouraging me to write about him.]
To you letter:
For someone who hates crowds, I can't imagine that the Central Park Zoo on a lovely spring day is exactly conducive to your mental well-being. Yikes! So you're a godmother--another interesting part of you revealed. How old is our god-daughter? Very sweet. Her parents must be very good friends.
[As with almost every subject under the sun-I am reminded of the "Seinfeld" episode about the Bris. One of their best.]
To be honest, I don't know how anyone is able to keep up with even a fraction of the numerous TV shows & series. Even with TiVo, etc., one still has to take the time to physically watch the taped episodes. No, I don't watch the Bachelorette, but these reality shows [Idol, Dancing, etc.] are amazingly popular.
So--please tell me how "IN TREATMENT" ended. You have definitely made me a fan, with its panoply of bizarre characters. Will there be a Season III? Sounds like the show is getting a lot of positive press.
Umm...wishing I was able to write some magic words or paint an arousing word picture to take your mind away! :) XO--to banish those "thoughts of doom"... a hot day you say.."finish this food and shower and lay in bed with the A/C.."
In one of your essays--you talked about "a nice boyfriend" to lay in bed with, win at scrabble with, and watch movies in the dead of winter while snow covers the city!
Both of the above mise-en-scenes remind me of extremely pleasant experiences of my own. You really are a romantic deep down---I like that. By the way, I'm pretty good at Scrabble...sorry, couldn't resist!
Cute but creepy card you sent just before that letter. I've probably seen way too many horror films--but the kids with the bags on their heads made me think of the adverts for that film "THE STRANGERS" last year, or one of the Diane Arbus odd photos.
[Ed.: This is odd because the card was very cute. The picture was of kids wearing funny masks and it was blank inside but from a children's foundation. Not creepy at all.]
In that cared you had a few questions: meal times are approximate & variable--roughly speaking 1615/1100/1700. I already mentioned the multiple classes. Unfortunately, no job--very few available in these unique circumstances.
I'm not at all surprised that we both sent articles on neuroscientific/psychological experiments. I'm learning more & more that you and I often think alike. The details of the "Stanford Prison Experiment" are simply incredible. I know you barely have time to breathe, let alone read--but that book by the psychologist with the "Z" name [Zambardo?--something like that] sounds well worth your time, and mine. I've not a chance to read it either.
Not sure if you're ready for any "equally probing questions" --much as I do want to know you inside & out; mind, body & "soul." Perhaps after I discuss some of those long conversations & questions I've had about men & women & relationships & sexuality/sensuality. But one think I do know--you & I are both complex people with complicated pasts (and presents!) with much to share...dear KK...
By the way, I noticed that W.A. Mozart card you enclosed with that picture card. More to say about music and memory in future letters. I want to know your gut & emotional reactions to certain songs & music. To know more about the deeper, darker? you...
Since you are already overwhelmed with too many shows & films & parties & not enough time--what better to send you than a preview of what sounds like a pretty good new Showtime series: "NURSE FALCO"--starring Edie Falco. Sent to me from the Times from my "medical" correspondent.
A great segue to stories of drug-addicted & drug-using nurses & doctors--I've seen a lot. Later, I promise, if you're interested.
Let me get this in the mail to you. Will talk about your blog/essays next time. [N.J. Rory & the preop-transsexual-just another day in the city...!] You take care of yourself---some TLC & warm baths. Thinking of you, KK
Yours,
Michael
Monday, June 15, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #29
Dear KK--
Beginning this letter late on Monday so it will undoubtedly extend into Tuesday. Fascinating short story by Kurt Vonnegut. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind! I guess persistence paid off in the end...though one wonders what became of the couple a few years later.
Before returning to your letters, must comment on the other most interesting items you've sent recently: "KK and non-KK":
Dating in the Age of Spanx: Definitely an "ick" factor here for all readers! Great line about "our grandmothers": "They were married young and were less promiscuous than we are in our older years." Really? Imagine that!
And as always, Kelly, you educate the reader. Pregnancy Spanx/Spanx porn? I love your imagination and inventiveness.
Ah yes, that iconic Seinfeld episode. My favorite part is when Kramer and Mr. Costanza are having that discussion with Sid Farkas, the bra salesman. "Summer Nights!" Classic.
And the David Sedaris story about his perceived missed opportunity on a middle eastern train. Not at all what I expected when the story began. Sedaris is an excellent writer. By the way, is he by any chance related to the wacky but talented actress, Amy Sedaris?
Now back to your letters: What's this, more questions?!:)
You asked about that intriguing puzzle posted by the "LOST" episode THE CONSTANT. If several persons has been "there" in all time periods (as with Desmond) then the answer would be a profound yes. Perhaps we an discuss that in more detail at another time. The real question is, what makes a person a "constant?"
to expand a bit on the two comments at the end of my previous letter:
>Again, I find it remarkable that anyone even knows the name or the "case"! Again--a lifetime ago in our popular hi-speed, internet-driven culture. Be that as it may it is unavoidable that any opinions or attitudes will be shaped by the sensationalistic news coverage & "net facts" from 8-9 years ago. People have no idea that life goes on--often very fully and that time and solitude can change many things.
>I think I answered your other question about the EMTs. and by the way, I don't think your questions are "retarded"--actually they are extremely insightful. I could definitely see you as a counselor or a therapist/say a LCSW with her own practice. And don't tell me you couldn't do it. I know better.
Finally, in your letter you touched on one of the great gulfs that divide men & women--the fact that women bear children. It is something that is so obvious that we rarely think about it. I have always been very interested in women's attitudes & viewpoints on having a child--and have made it a point to discuss it with quite a few; much as we discuss [yes, in loving and intimate circumstances] how men & women react and respond within relationships and sexually/sensually. again--I thin most men & women take these things for granted and never explore the rich nuances & much more. There is so much to discuss here & when you feel comfortable doing so.
***
It took less than 24 hours for the byline "LOST" to be applied to the vanishing & crash of the Air France flight over the Atlantic. An unbelievable tragedy whose cause may never be known.
The local paper here reprinted part of a long article from the NY Times about your show "IN TREATMENT". It focused on the actress Allison Pill and the writer Sarah Treem. Interesting exploration of the creative process on that show. Apparently Ms. Pill had a role in the film, "MILK."
The paper also mentioned a promising clinical trial on a new migraine treatment: LEVADEX- a new orally inhaled version of dihydroergotamine, which is currently given intravenously. Just wanted to mention it. Seeing the story made me think of you, of course...
As always seems to be the case, I could write more but want to get this in the mail. I'm sure my next letter will be coming very soon.
So good to talk to you and hope to hear from you again (and again!)very soon. Want to know everything going on in that beautiful mind. Take care & stay safe, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Beginning this letter late on Monday so it will undoubtedly extend into Tuesday. Fascinating short story by Kurt Vonnegut. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind! I guess persistence paid off in the end...though one wonders what became of the couple a few years later.
Before returning to your letters, must comment on the other most interesting items you've sent recently: "KK and non-KK":
Dating in the Age of Spanx: Definitely an "ick" factor here for all readers! Great line about "our grandmothers": "They were married young and were less promiscuous than we are in our older years." Really? Imagine that!
And as always, Kelly, you educate the reader. Pregnancy Spanx/Spanx porn? I love your imagination and inventiveness.
Ah yes, that iconic Seinfeld episode. My favorite part is when Kramer and Mr. Costanza are having that discussion with Sid Farkas, the bra salesman. "Summer Nights!" Classic.
And the David Sedaris story about his perceived missed opportunity on a middle eastern train. Not at all what I expected when the story began. Sedaris is an excellent writer. By the way, is he by any chance related to the wacky but talented actress, Amy Sedaris?
Now back to your letters: What's this, more questions?!:)
You asked about that intriguing puzzle posted by the "LOST" episode THE CONSTANT. If several persons has been "there" in all time periods (as with Desmond) then the answer would be a profound yes. Perhaps we an discuss that in more detail at another time. The real question is, what makes a person a "constant?"
to expand a bit on the two comments at the end of my previous letter:
>Again, I find it remarkable that anyone even knows the name or the "case"! Again--a lifetime ago in our popular hi-speed, internet-driven culture. Be that as it may it is unavoidable that any opinions or attitudes will be shaped by the sensationalistic news coverage & "net facts" from 8-9 years ago. People have no idea that life goes on--often very fully and that time and solitude can change many things.
>I think I answered your other question about the EMTs. and by the way, I don't think your questions are "retarded"--actually they are extremely insightful. I could definitely see you as a counselor or a therapist/say a LCSW with her own practice. And don't tell me you couldn't do it. I know better.
Finally, in your letter you touched on one of the great gulfs that divide men & women--the fact that women bear children. It is something that is so obvious that we rarely think about it. I have always been very interested in women's attitudes & viewpoints on having a child--and have made it a point to discuss it with quite a few; much as we discuss [yes, in loving and intimate circumstances] how men & women react and respond within relationships and sexually/sensually. again--I thin most men & women take these things for granted and never explore the rich nuances & much more. There is so much to discuss here & when you feel comfortable doing so.
***
It took less than 24 hours for the byline "LOST" to be applied to the vanishing & crash of the Air France flight over the Atlantic. An unbelievable tragedy whose cause may never be known.
The local paper here reprinted part of a long article from the NY Times about your show "IN TREATMENT". It focused on the actress Allison Pill and the writer Sarah Treem. Interesting exploration of the creative process on that show. Apparently Ms. Pill had a role in the film, "MILK."
The paper also mentioned a promising clinical trial on a new migraine treatment: LEVADEX- a new orally inhaled version of dihydroergotamine, which is currently given intravenously. Just wanted to mention it. Seeing the story made me think of you, of course...
As always seems to be the case, I could write more but want to get this in the mail. I'm sure my next letter will be coming very soon.
So good to talk to you and hope to hear from you again (and again!)very soon. Want to know everything going on in that beautiful mind. Take care & stay safe, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #8
Kelly,
Got some pictures & found a couple duplicated and thought you'd like them. Dewey is one o the dogs I trained at Rockville when I was in the ICAN Program. We train dogs to assist handicapped people, specifically children, using positive reinforcement methods. Some handicaps include cerebral palsy, MS, paralysis, seizures, old people w/physical limitations, or even severe depression. Some become therapy dogs, used for physical rehab-range of motion exercises. An excellent program. I was in it for two years at Rockville, while I also earned my BS in Business Management. I loved those dogs. And I loved learning. I was blessed with opportunities for a while. I look forward to new opportunities ahead.
I hope you are well. Take care.
Sarah
***
Got some pictures & found a couple duplicated and thought you'd like them. Dewey is one o the dogs I trained at Rockville when I was in the ICAN Program. We train dogs to assist handicapped people, specifically children, using positive reinforcement methods. Some handicaps include cerebral palsy, MS, paralysis, seizures, old people w/physical limitations, or even severe depression. Some become therapy dogs, used for physical rehab-range of motion exercises. An excellent program. I was in it for two years at Rockville, while I also earned my BS in Business Management. I loved those dogs. And I loved learning. I was blessed with opportunities for a while. I look forward to new opportunities ahead.
I hope you are well. Take care.
Sarah
***
Friday, June 12, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #28
Dear KK---
Let me begin with your fascinating and touching and not at all "boring" sketch of "Kelly K: The Early Years." Please forgive the parentheticals & brackets--but we share quite a few things in common:
Having a mentally ill parent is about as brutal as it gets, especially with difficult to treat, and dangerous, paranoid schizophrenia. [KK--not sure if you know that when I was in StonyBrook, I was a resident in Psychiatry]. No telephone says it all.
Two more questions: Did you grow up in New York City or elsewhere? Did you have any brothers or sisters to help you cope? [You probably know, I have three brothers--that part of my "internet bio" is at least accurate!]
Three packs of Marlboro Reds a day? I'll call your Marlboro X 3, and raise you 3 packs of unfiltered Camels a day by my mom & dad.
A few comments on growing up in a heavy smoking household: Some of my earliest memories are seeing those ubiquitous camel symbols on the cigarette packs, which were everywhere. Like your mom & grandmother, they never smoked anything else. [Apparently, even in Vietnam, where my father spent much of his life from 1961-1975, there was an endless supply of unfiltered camels.] Another memory: coffee cups half-filled with two or three cigarette butts floating in the cold coffee. Just lovely!
And of course, there is the smell. True story: when I was a child we went to a fellow Army officer's house with our parents. This officer & his wife were both militant non-smokers [very unusual at the time], with no ash-trays in their house. We were in the house for a few minutes when my older brother said "Mommy-this place smells funny!" We were so used to the smoke smell permeating everything in our house--we didn't know any different.
One more story: Years later, I lived as an adult in the same town as my mother. I could be in the aisle of a grocery store, hear someone coughing in the next aisle--and know it was her. That is both sad & scary.
By the way, for whatever reason, I was the only one of my brothers who did not become a smoker. Ironic, considering the current circumstances. At least one of them, however, quit a long time ago.
And yes, there is no doubt in my mind that smoking forever was a major contributor to my mother's mini-stroke dementia & death. My father's death was more related to alcohol, but I doubt Mr. Camel helped.
You see, your story is not "boring" at all--and it stimulates much thought and memory... Continuing on: You & I both apparently read voluminously as children & teens/and liked the structure of school and did well..
I would have loved to have met you in 1993 when you graduated from college, even though it was clearly a bad & dangerous time for you and your mother. Were you in New York at that time? I'm impressed though not surprised by your work & career progress after having to abandon your plans for grad school. You are such a survivor and such a vibrant, energetic woman, KK.
I must admit my knowledge of interstitial cystitis is fairly limited. Obviously, a much more serious condition than the "routine" bladder infection or UTI--or "honeymoon" cystitis. Not sure if there is a medication you can take, but I'm so glad you seem to be able to live with it. Along with those migraines...TLC thoughts coming your way with each letter...
So like I said: NOT boring, not a "whiny" woman with a bad childhood. Inspiring and pretty amazing, KK. I like you even more. You are a special woman--and I mean that.
Now, returning to your letters:
As I mentioned before, when I arrived in Africa I landed at Ground Zero of the Sub-Saharan AIDS pandemic. If you've read about or seen the grim HIV/AIDS wards at San Francisco General Hospital or the big NYC hospitals anytime from the early 80s to the mid-90s [before the life-saving retro-viral "cocktails"] --imagine that times ten with a lack of all but the most rudimentary medical care. That was sub-Saharan African in the 1990s.
I say this because I have had some harrowing HIV/AIDS stories--most of them grimly tragic. It is almost a miracle that I did not contract it while in Africa--we assumed everyone was HIV+ and double-gloved for all medical procedures and in the OR. Since you still seem uncomfortable, I won't discuss sexual practices and sexual couplings from that time--mine and others--but that part of the story is illuminating as well.
Would very much like to hear your "HIV story"--and if I have to wait a year or two then so be it. I doubt if there is any variation of the HIV/AIDS pandemic and its sexual transmission, blood transmission, etc. that I have not seen or heard, but you may surprise me.
You already know my story & passionate feelings on the almost criminal negligence in the USA to the AIDS pandemic in the 1980s--as described by the late Randy Shilts in And The Band Played On. I have much more to say on this--but again, I don't want to bore you!! But please, any questions you have on the topic of HIV/AIDS--here or in Africa-please feel free to ask...Talk to me, KK. I am curious if you have many friends who have HIV/AIDS and are on the cocktail. As you surely know, it is not the easy treatment that many people think it is. And despite the cocktail, people--especially the poor--still die of AIDS every day in this country. OK-off my soapbox for now.
***
Being circumspect but still trying to answer your questions...No roommates, minimal interaction [that's really the whole point]. A wide variety of folks...
I agree with you (of course) that the "LOST" finale was awesome. So many questions on Jacob and the "loophole" and the two John Locke's. I have a story on the finale I will send in an upcoming letter, plus some comments of my own, including a tip of the hat to the "horror" writer, Clive Barker. So complex. We love it, don't we?
You mentioned you were "swamped with client work" on the 13th of May. That's good news, right?
Please fill me in (if you're able) on your book proposals. I am most interested and wish you every success.
Two "AMC" Updates:
>"Breaking Bad" just finished its 2nd Season, with a brilliantly written and executed finale.
>Season III of "Mad Men" has been announced for August!
In Season I - Kennedy was elected president.
In Season II- leaped ahead about fourteen months, to Valentine's Day 1962. That season took us through the Cuban Missile Crisis in October '62. So -- I would expect that the Kennedy assassination would be a part of Season III...
Once again--I must get this in the mail before finishing, so let me briefly address two of your more probing [that's our Kelly!] comments/questions. Will follow-up:
>The fellow EMTS were never given anything, at least not by me. That actually was a travesty. Pleaded not guilty--fought like hell.
>You mentioned very strong reactions...how could that possibly "upset me" KK? After all I've been through? However, I am surprised that anyone even knows the name or the case! In our popular culture, that is such old news--an eternity by net standards.
Must cut this of & mail. Will start "Part 2" later this evening or tomorrow. Take care & hope to hear from you, KK. Stay safe.
Yours,
Michael
***
[Ed.: He included THIS article.]
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #27
Dear KK,
Hi sunshine! Two letters from you with multiple items of interest--one letter wonderfully long--and not nearly enough time today to discussing and answer everything as I want. Written three days apart, but arrived almost the same time--go figure... So-let me make a start now, and I promise to address all the additional questions over the weekend. So expect a long letter a few days after this one...
First of all, thank you for the truly fascinating [in that "nerdy", sci-fi way" you so eloquently described :-)!] Wikipedia entry on FLASH FORWARD. I mean, OMG, KK! Sawyer actually delves into the complexities of quantum mechanics and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in trying go explain the remarkable events that occur.
Two sentences in the book review/analysis really caught my eye:
-"Oddly, no recording devices anywhere in the world functioned in the present during the event."
-"Those who kill themselves over their dismal prospects are, by their very acts, changing the future they dread."
KK--perhaps Mr. Sawyer can write a companion book explaining ALL of the Time Travel ramifications these past two seasons of "LOST". :-)
This is definitely a book I must read. Come my birthday in October, I may ask you for this book plus either Wetlands or The Kindly Ones, if either is out in paperback by then!
The pages concerning the book's transformation/adaption to a TV series was just as enlightening. Sounds like the network is fully committed to the project. Plus I love what Sawyer says about adaptation to film vs. TV. With film you have to begin cutting away material, but with a TV series you "need to start adding and expanding". Music to our ears, KK.
Plus it mentions Sawyer's other novels, including a trilogy [#1 WAKE] about the worldwide web gaining consciousness. That sounds a lot like the seminal event in the whole "Terminator" mythos--which the Defense Computer system "Skynet" becomes self-aware" and triggers nuclear Armageddon. Let me stop before I get too into the science-fiction weeds...
I will be watching for any additional info. through the summer on "FLASH FORWARD". And I know you will keep me informed with your vastly more data!
That's why I love writing to you and learning about you and exploring you--your curiosity is unending! Few people would even bother to look up Euler's Identity, the equation that links what some number theorists call the five most important numbers/mathematical quantities: e [pi] I 1 0
One of those theorists is Edwin Burger-- a youngish professor at Williams College. I am currently taking a tele-course on Number Theory (12 weeks) taught by him. Very interesting and provocative. My math background helps, but it was not required to understand the course. This is a longish answer [with those details I know you love!] to answer your question whether I take classes. Yes, I do. Some are average, but some are simply exceptional. For instance--an in-depth 24 week course on the Civil War, taught by the outstanding Civil War scholar ?___________ Gallagher from Virginia. Uh oh, I think I hear a slight yawn, so let me move on...
By the way,I think the Simpsons stamps are great. I do notice such things. And you have exquisite taste in those vintage cards you occasionally use for short notes. Exhibit A: Richard Prince's "Man-Crazy Nurse"--creepy but brilliantly painted.
Speaking of postcards: I, my dear, you do go on that cruise ship to Alaska--do send me postcards from Seattle, Vancouver, Juneau or any other ports of call [or the ship's giftshop]--like Cate Blanchett did for Benjamin Button. You will be thought of on that stunningly beautiful cruise, if you go.
Can't end the week without commenting on your photos. I know that everyone says all brides are beautiful; after all, there is an entire industry devoted to making that so. You are at the same time very beautiful and very sexy in that photo. You say you're thinner now? Everything looks just fine on your wedding day...and sooo utterly proper and professional on your business card, as it should be.
Hope this doesn't embarrass you but.... Actually even if it does oh well! Honesty and openness sometimes have that result. But you are a lovely and intelligent woman, KK. I will have much more to say on this--more private and probing if you will allow me in the weeks & months to come... In both that slightly out-of-focus photo (with your lovely eyes) and the wedding photo-you exude a smoldering sexuality & sensuality just below the surface...covert, not overt, which is actually even more sensual and attractive. It's tin the eyes an the Mona Lisa smile...AND by the you are are anything but "pretty average."
KK, I've barely scratched the surface of your letter--including your encapsulated, fascinating at times tragic, life story. The "tip of the iceberg" you said--a phrase I could use myself in describing my life--and in how much I know about you--and how much below the surface and inside you I want to know so much better. Must mail this, but suffice it to say that the last, the very last thing you are is another whiny woman with a bad childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth... Much more to say--talk to you again very soon.
Be well, be safe, KK. I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Column by Nicholas Kristof sent to me by a doctor friend. I saw this travesty up close and personal in Africa, especially at Mpilo Hospital in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe & Lusaka Teaching Hospital in Zambia--where all the true disaster ended up.
HIV/AIDS, and this, I feel very strongly about. More to say in future letters.
[Ed.: There is some sort of a brown liquidy stain on this letter. Coffee?]
Hi sunshine! Two letters from you with multiple items of interest--one letter wonderfully long--and not nearly enough time today to discussing and answer everything as I want. Written three days apart, but arrived almost the same time--go figure... So-let me make a start now, and I promise to address all the additional questions over the weekend. So expect a long letter a few days after this one...
First of all, thank you for the truly fascinating [in that "nerdy", sci-fi way" you so eloquently described :-)!] Wikipedia entry on FLASH FORWARD. I mean, OMG, KK! Sawyer actually delves into the complexities of quantum mechanics and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in trying go explain the remarkable events that occur.
Two sentences in the book review/analysis really caught my eye:
-"Oddly, no recording devices anywhere in the world functioned in the present during the event."
-"Those who kill themselves over their dismal prospects are, by their very acts, changing the future they dread."
KK--perhaps Mr. Sawyer can write a companion book explaining ALL of the Time Travel ramifications these past two seasons of "LOST". :-)
This is definitely a book I must read. Come my birthday in October, I may ask you for this book plus either Wetlands or The Kindly Ones, if either is out in paperback by then!
The pages concerning the book's transformation/adaption to a TV series was just as enlightening. Sounds like the network is fully committed to the project. Plus I love what Sawyer says about adaptation to film vs. TV. With film you have to begin cutting away material, but with a TV series you "need to start adding and expanding". Music to our ears, KK.
Plus it mentions Sawyer's other novels, including a trilogy [#1 WAKE] about the worldwide web gaining consciousness. That sounds a lot like the seminal event in the whole "Terminator" mythos--which the Defense Computer system "Skynet" becomes self-aware" and triggers nuclear Armageddon. Let me stop before I get too into the science-fiction weeds...
I will be watching for any additional info. through the summer on "FLASH FORWARD". And I know you will keep me informed with your vastly more data!
That's why I love writing to you and learning about you and exploring you--your curiosity is unending! Few people would even bother to look up Euler's Identity, the equation that links what some number theorists call the five most important numbers/mathematical quantities: e [pi] I 1 0
One of those theorists is Edwin Burger-- a youngish professor at Williams College. I am currently taking a tele-course on Number Theory (12 weeks) taught by him. Very interesting and provocative. My math background helps, but it was not required to understand the course. This is a longish answer [with those details I know you love!] to answer your question whether I take classes. Yes, I do. Some are average, but some are simply exceptional. For instance--an in-depth 24 week course on the Civil War, taught by the outstanding Civil War scholar ?___________ Gallagher from Virginia. Uh oh, I think I hear a slight yawn, so let me move on...
By the way,I think the Simpsons stamps are great. I do notice such things. And you have exquisite taste in those vintage cards you occasionally use for short notes. Exhibit A: Richard Prince's "Man-Crazy Nurse"--creepy but brilliantly painted.
Speaking of postcards: I, my dear, you do go on that cruise ship to Alaska--do send me postcards from Seattle, Vancouver, Juneau or any other ports of call [or the ship's giftshop]--like Cate Blanchett did for Benjamin Button. You will be thought of on that stunningly beautiful cruise, if you go.
Can't end the week without commenting on your photos. I know that everyone says all brides are beautiful; after all, there is an entire industry devoted to making that so. You are at the same time very beautiful and very sexy in that photo. You say you're thinner now? Everything looks just fine on your wedding day...and sooo utterly proper and professional on your business card, as it should be.
Hope this doesn't embarrass you but.... Actually even if it does oh well! Honesty and openness sometimes have that result. But you are a lovely and intelligent woman, KK. I will have much more to say on this--more private and probing if you will allow me in the weeks & months to come... In both that slightly out-of-focus photo (with your lovely eyes) and the wedding photo-you exude a smoldering sexuality & sensuality just below the surface...covert, not overt, which is actually even more sensual and attractive. It's tin the eyes an the Mona Lisa smile...AND by the you are are anything but "pretty average."
KK, I've barely scratched the surface of your letter--including your encapsulated, fascinating at times tragic, life story. The "tip of the iceberg" you said--a phrase I could use myself in describing my life--and in how much I know about you--and how much below the surface and inside you I want to know so much better. Must mail this, but suffice it to say that the last, the very last thing you are is another whiny woman with a bad childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth... Much more to say--talk to you again very soon.
Be well, be safe, KK. I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Column by Nicholas Kristof sent to me by a doctor friend. I saw this travesty up close and personal in Africa, especially at Mpilo Hospital in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe & Lusaka Teaching Hospital in Zambia--where all the true disaster ended up.
HIV/AIDS, and this, I feel very strongly about. More to say in future letters.
[Ed.: There is some sort of a brown liquidy stain on this letter. Coffee?]
Monday, June 8, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #7
Dear Kelly,
I absolutely adored your story about going to India. What I loved even more--your photos of all those little kids, full of life and innocence and JOY! I'm especially fond of the big eyed little boy--so sweet. "DANCE PARTY"--How great!
I see that despite not wanting to have children, you were good to know what to do with them, or rather, how to BE with them. Children are such gifts.
Yesterday, when visiting with my mother, I noticed at least ten children under 3 in the visiting room. I was distracted by all these little magical people milling about. One little girl has seen me in the glass box (I am isolated in a no-contact room, and have visits through glass & talk through a phone) twice now, and when she walks by she stops, stares up at me and smiles. I just smile back and hold her gaze, being with her innocence and curiosity. She watches me from the vending machines and takes the long way around to see me again. I am honored to be the object of a small child's attention, one who knows nothing of murder, sex, drugs, hate, lies or all the things that infect the world.
Kudos for you for not hiding behind your Blackberry.
And for being smart enough to feed the "chicken" to the kid.
I get a kick out of your writing. You have a funny point of view. I find that what I think about a subject is rarely what I express in words. What I could otherwise express in a thousand word essay comes out of my mouth as, "You're a dickhead."
Real profound, huh?
Glad you had a nice birthday. I think once you get to 35, birthdays are spent doing stuff like having dinner with friends, doing the day-spa thing, buying a new piece of art, or going to a jazz bar. It's when you move past the birthdays when you once would go to a rock concert, get obliterated drunk and wakeup the next morning naked, alone, with a sore asshole and a birthday card on your nightstand signed by some guy named Ricardo. At least you can infer he has a fat cock and a sexy name. Hmm... Let's check my camera-phone for evidence...And you subsequently burn the sheets and delete the photos, hoping you did not text these to anyone.
Not that I would know...
Soon I plan to take an excerpt from what I've written and send it to some magazines and literary websites for review and to really just get some awareness out there, see what sort of reaction I get. I get that some of my life is really juicy, some is beautiful, some is tragic, some is fascinating, and some is hilarious. Although I have a dry sense of humor, and that's pretty evident in my book writing. What I get a couple of excerpts (funny word) prepared, I will gladly send you a copy.
I considered your request to share my letters with a few of your friends. I don't' have a problem with you posting my letters, though I get that I will likely filter the personal information I share with you based on knowing several others will be reading it. Perhaps we an agree that if I feel I don't want something shared, I will indicate that, and you commit to honoring my request? I can be okay with that.
I look forward to hearing about your trip to Alaska. My aunt dated a guy who worked on one of the Alaskan cruise liners and went a few times. She reported there is great beauty up north. I wonder if you'll get to see the aurora borealis? I always wanted to see it How can you not witness such energy and not be in awe of creation? I don't' care how people think we got where we are--evolution, creation, intelligent design, whatever--there's no way you can see stuff like that and still believe we are a fucking accident. Chance, my ass. And I love science. I could lay down and make love to it. But I know that when we cease being critters on earth that ain't it. Thermodynamics--energy is never created or destroyed; always changing. Heat, light, matter...
This ain't it.
I was quite amused by your story of Patrick, the "Love Spammer". I am amazed at what people's need for love and affection will drive the to do. Over and over again.
Kelly, what is a flokati?
I like Scout. I look forward to the next episode of OUTSIDE THE BOX. I'm not into soap operas or TV series, but I get excited about good romance. (Even though since you are still single, it obviously didn't' work out.)
I recently (well, in December) did the Night Dance on a couch in front of a roaring fireplace. I remember thinking how remarkable it was that we moved in sync. I like that term for it, the Night Dance. Mind if I use it in my book? I still have the last 100 pages or so to write--regarding my adventures while out. Man, I had a lot of fun.
Life is good.
Okay, it's way past my bedtime. Hope this finds you well. Take care. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sarah
***
I absolutely adored your story about going to India. What I loved even more--your photos of all those little kids, full of life and innocence and JOY! I'm especially fond of the big eyed little boy--so sweet. "DANCE PARTY"--How great!
I see that despite not wanting to have children, you were good to know what to do with them, or rather, how to BE with them. Children are such gifts.
Yesterday, when visiting with my mother, I noticed at least ten children under 3 in the visiting room. I was distracted by all these little magical people milling about. One little girl has seen me in the glass box (I am isolated in a no-contact room, and have visits through glass & talk through a phone) twice now, and when she walks by she stops, stares up at me and smiles. I just smile back and hold her gaze, being with her innocence and curiosity. She watches me from the vending machines and takes the long way around to see me again. I am honored to be the object of a small child's attention, one who knows nothing of murder, sex, drugs, hate, lies or all the things that infect the world.
Kudos for you for not hiding behind your Blackberry.
And for being smart enough to feed the "chicken" to the kid.
I get a kick out of your writing. You have a funny point of view. I find that what I think about a subject is rarely what I express in words. What I could otherwise express in a thousand word essay comes out of my mouth as, "You're a dickhead."
Real profound, huh?
Glad you had a nice birthday. I think once you get to 35, birthdays are spent doing stuff like having dinner with friends, doing the day-spa thing, buying a new piece of art, or going to a jazz bar. It's when you move past the birthdays when you once would go to a rock concert, get obliterated drunk and wakeup the next morning naked, alone, with a sore asshole and a birthday card on your nightstand signed by some guy named Ricardo. At least you can infer he has a fat cock and a sexy name. Hmm... Let's check my camera-phone for evidence...And you subsequently burn the sheets and delete the photos, hoping you did not text these to anyone.
Not that I would know...
Soon I plan to take an excerpt from what I've written and send it to some magazines and literary websites for review and to really just get some awareness out there, see what sort of reaction I get. I get that some of my life is really juicy, some is beautiful, some is tragic, some is fascinating, and some is hilarious. Although I have a dry sense of humor, and that's pretty evident in my book writing. What I get a couple of excerpts (funny word) prepared, I will gladly send you a copy.
I considered your request to share my letters with a few of your friends. I don't' have a problem with you posting my letters, though I get that I will likely filter the personal information I share with you based on knowing several others will be reading it. Perhaps we an agree that if I feel I don't want something shared, I will indicate that, and you commit to honoring my request? I can be okay with that.
I look forward to hearing about your trip to Alaska. My aunt dated a guy who worked on one of the Alaskan cruise liners and went a few times. She reported there is great beauty up north. I wonder if you'll get to see the aurora borealis? I always wanted to see it How can you not witness such energy and not be in awe of creation? I don't' care how people think we got where we are--evolution, creation, intelligent design, whatever--there's no way you can see stuff like that and still believe we are a fucking accident. Chance, my ass. And I love science. I could lay down and make love to it. But I know that when we cease being critters on earth that ain't it. Thermodynamics--energy is never created or destroyed; always changing. Heat, light, matter...
This ain't it.
I was quite amused by your story of Patrick, the "Love Spammer". I am amazed at what people's need for love and affection will drive the to do. Over and over again.
Kelly, what is a flokati?
I like Scout. I look forward to the next episode of OUTSIDE THE BOX. I'm not into soap operas or TV series, but I get excited about good romance. (Even though since you are still single, it obviously didn't' work out.)
I recently (well, in December) did the Night Dance on a couch in front of a roaring fireplace. I remember thinking how remarkable it was that we moved in sync. I like that term for it, the Night Dance. Mind if I use it in my book? I still have the last 100 pages or so to write--regarding my adventures while out. Man, I had a lot of fun.
Life is good.
Okay, it's way past my bedtime. Hope this finds you well. Take care. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sarah
***
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #26
Dear KK---
By now you received the letter I wrote you over the Memorial Day weekend. Hope I didn't bore you too much with my focus on the films of Lars von Trier. But there are so many bad films and bad directors: you have pointed out quite a few in the last few weeks..."The Informers", "Adoration", "Lymelife", and so on. Films with millions of dollars invested and little to show for it. So--like you, I respect directors (and actors) who at least try
to do something novel or daring or provocative or shocking--even when they occasionally fail [i.e. Egoyan with Adoration.]
With that said, I must mention the film that took the Grand Prize at Cannes over the weekend: "WHITE RIBBON" by the often daring & controversial director Mike Haneke. all I've read is this: "story of mistrust and deceit in a small German town just before World War I." Perhaps you can find more info online-such as its Wikipedia page, etc. Would be interested in knowing more. Thanks! Besides the von Trier film, another film that got a lot of buzz at Cannes was a "powerful" French prison film: "A PROPHET."
I'm glad you're smart, KK, so you can follow my terrible habit of long parenthetical & bracketed sentences & paragraphs!
Your letters---which reflect your beautiful mind and I mean that utterly sincerely, and I make no apologies for my previous comment to you that it is a women's mind that is the heart of her sexuality and sensuality--so amazing & so attractive...--give rise to so many thoughts and topics that I see reflected elsewhere--and I of course want to share it all with you. So to quote Rod Serling: "Presented for your consideration:"
>Ran across this jaw-dropping article in an issue of the Times. OMG, KK--talk about feeling connected to you: This article mirrors precisely what you were saying about the economy, New York"then and now", and New York as a cauldron of artistic freedom & artistic creation...plus the danger--always a part of the background...
Sounds like the June issue of Vanity Fair might be worth reading for the referenced article by James Wolcott. Most interested, my dear, in your reaction to this article enclosed and the Wolcott article if you have time to read it. Simply amazing...His Kind of Shell Shocked Town.
>Moving to an almost incomprehensible tragedy. I'm sure you've seen & heard the story of the death of Mike Tyson's 4-year old daughter in a bizarre strangulation accident. Just when his life was seeming to get back on track, as per the documentary film: "TYSON"--your review and several others seemed to make it clear that he has left some of his demons behind.
Trying to share with you moments & vignettes and relationships and intimate encounters--to hopefully let you get to know me through those moments and events as I hope to know you so much better in the same way. When I worked as a paramedic, I recall multiple times being called to the scene of a child death or tween death. They tend to stay etched in your mind: There was a 6 or 7 y/o boy accidentally shot dead by his not much older brother when they found a loaded gun in the house late at night... A 12 y/o boy who went into his basement to lift weights like daddy---his windpipe crushed by a barbell...and then, KK, there is "autoerotic asphixiation." The photos in forensic texts do not do the surreal scenes justice. I saw tow of these---recall one mother was in a virtual catatonic state. She had found her son dead...always wondered what became of her...
>I recall you mentioned knowing the author James Frey. I heard on TV recently that Oprah has apologized to Mr. Frey for her brutal denunciation of him on her show back in 06. Somewhat surprising. Are you still in occasional contact? And how was his book after: A Million Little Pieces? I can't recall if it was you or a review that told me it was actually pretty good. I'm sure many people wanted him to fail after the brouhaha over Little Pieces. It says a lot to me about you that you count him as a friend. :-)
>We discussed the untimely death of Natasha Richardson in some detail---and the question of could she and should she have been saved? I believe the answer to both questions is "YES". So please note the enclosed article regarding a quick-thinking doc in rural Australia. If only Ms. Richardson had had an equally aggressive and aware physician at the first hospital before the blood clot expanded and caused herniation and death. [Ed.: Article enclosed is about a man taking an ordinary household drill and drilling into a boy's head to stop a clot.]
>Another sad story--but I must ask if you knew Kelly Breslin. Obviously, her first name caught my eye of course, Breslin. I saw an obituary in an out-of-town paper, clearly taken from a New York paper: It said she was 44, and did "public relations and marketing work". So it seemed that you might well have known her, either professionally, personally or both. She apparently died at Bellevue four days after collapsing in a restaurant with friends at 4am--some sort of catastrophic medical event. It mentioned she had many clients at the World Trade Center prior to 9/11.
If she was your friend, I am so very sorry. Even if she was not--it is a powerful reminder of so many things...
I've actually done pretty well controlling my film fetish in this letter---just those opening comments at Cannes. However, my fellow film aficionado--there are quite a few out there, so let me share a few things I've read this past weekend:
>"THE MERRY GENTLEMAN"
>"THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE"
>"ADORATION"
>"JULIA"
Must wrap this up--hoping for a letter of letters from you later today...Ummm/you are endlessly fascinating Ms. K...
One quick "LOST"-related (barely) comment: Remember when you were seeing>Pen just ran out [May I dare make a mild double entendre, KK?! You truly drain me dry, my dear!].
When you were seeing eyepatches everywhere? Consider Maggie Grace-who played Shannon on "LOST" before her untimely death at the hands of a trigger happy Anna Lucia: BEFORE - over the weekend saw her playing welfare mother on an episode of "ER" from the mid-90s//AFTER--I could swear I saw her in a clip from a current film "TAKEN". She play (I think) either Liam Neeson's daughter or the daughter's friend-both of whom are kidnapped (again, I think!) One of those films we could write out the plot without seeing.
Also saw Cynthia Wastros (Libby) playing a protected witness with three kids.
I'm sure I'll have much more this week. You take care birthday girl and Taurus! I'm Libra/Scorpio (I have an interesting astrology story for later!) Stay safe in the mean city--Know I'll be thinking of you...let me count the ways...
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Just received your letter with Kurt Vonnegut and that fantastic info. on Flash Forward. Plus we've both seen the news of the new Television show on ABC--Yes--We must watch-more time travel for our brains to totally come together as one on! Terrible sentence/Must go.
XO, Michael
By now you received the letter I wrote you over the Memorial Day weekend. Hope I didn't bore you too much with my focus on the films of Lars von Trier. But there are so many bad films and bad directors: you have pointed out quite a few in the last few weeks..."The Informers", "Adoration", "Lymelife", and so on. Films with millions of dollars invested and little to show for it. So--like you, I respect directors (and actors) who at least try
to do something novel or daring or provocative or shocking--even when they occasionally fail [i.e. Egoyan with Adoration.]
With that said, I must mention the film that took the Grand Prize at Cannes over the weekend: "WHITE RIBBON" by the often daring & controversial director Mike Haneke. all I've read is this: "story of mistrust and deceit in a small German town just before World War I." Perhaps you can find more info online-such as its Wikipedia page, etc. Would be interested in knowing more. Thanks! Besides the von Trier film, another film that got a lot of buzz at Cannes was a "powerful" French prison film: "A PROPHET."
I'm glad you're smart, KK, so you can follow my terrible habit of long parenthetical & bracketed sentences & paragraphs!
Your letters---which reflect your beautiful mind and I mean that utterly sincerely, and I make no apologies for my previous comment to you that it is a women's mind that is the heart of her sexuality and sensuality--so amazing & so attractive...--give rise to so many thoughts and topics that I see reflected elsewhere--and I of course want to share it all with you. So to quote Rod Serling: "Presented for your consideration:"
>Ran across this jaw-dropping article in an issue of the Times. OMG, KK--talk about feeling connected to you: This article mirrors precisely what you were saying about the economy, New York"then and now", and New York as a cauldron of artistic freedom & artistic creation...plus the danger--always a part of the background...
Sounds like the June issue of Vanity Fair might be worth reading for the referenced article by James Wolcott. Most interested, my dear, in your reaction to this article enclosed and the Wolcott article if you have time to read it. Simply amazing...His Kind of Shell Shocked Town.
>Moving to an almost incomprehensible tragedy. I'm sure you've seen & heard the story of the death of Mike Tyson's 4-year old daughter in a bizarre strangulation accident. Just when his life was seeming to get back on track, as per the documentary film: "TYSON"--your review and several others seemed to make it clear that he has left some of his demons behind.
Trying to share with you moments & vignettes and relationships and intimate encounters--to hopefully let you get to know me through those moments and events as I hope to know you so much better in the same way. When I worked as a paramedic, I recall multiple times being called to the scene of a child death or tween death. They tend to stay etched in your mind: There was a 6 or 7 y/o boy accidentally shot dead by his not much older brother when they found a loaded gun in the house late at night... A 12 y/o boy who went into his basement to lift weights like daddy---his windpipe crushed by a barbell...and then, KK, there is "autoerotic asphixiation." The photos in forensic texts do not do the surreal scenes justice. I saw tow of these---recall one mother was in a virtual catatonic state. She had found her son dead...always wondered what became of her...
>I recall you mentioned knowing the author James Frey. I heard on TV recently that Oprah has apologized to Mr. Frey for her brutal denunciation of him on her show back in 06. Somewhat surprising. Are you still in occasional contact? And how was his book after: A Million Little Pieces? I can't recall if it was you or a review that told me it was actually pretty good. I'm sure many people wanted him to fail after the brouhaha over Little Pieces. It says a lot to me about you that you count him as a friend. :-)
>We discussed the untimely death of Natasha Richardson in some detail---and the question of could she and should she have been saved? I believe the answer to both questions is "YES". So please note the enclosed article regarding a quick-thinking doc in rural Australia. If only Ms. Richardson had had an equally aggressive and aware physician at the first hospital before the blood clot expanded and caused herniation and death. [Ed.: Article enclosed is about a man taking an ordinary household drill and drilling into a boy's head to stop a clot.]
>Another sad story--but I must ask if you knew Kelly Breslin. Obviously, her first name caught my eye of course, Breslin. I saw an obituary in an out-of-town paper, clearly taken from a New York paper: It said she was 44, and did "public relations and marketing work". So it seemed that you might well have known her, either professionally, personally or both. She apparently died at Bellevue four days after collapsing in a restaurant with friends at 4am--some sort of catastrophic medical event. It mentioned she had many clients at the World Trade Center prior to 9/11.
If she was your friend, I am so very sorry. Even if she was not--it is a powerful reminder of so many things...
I've actually done pretty well controlling my film fetish in this letter---just those opening comments at Cannes. However, my fellow film aficionado--there are quite a few out there, so let me share a few things I've read this past weekend:
>"THE MERRY GENTLEMAN"
>"THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE"
>"ADORATION"
>"JULIA"
Must wrap this up--hoping for a letter of letters from you later today...Ummm/you are endlessly fascinating Ms. K...
One quick "LOST"-related (barely) comment: Remember when you were seeing>Pen just ran out [May I dare make a mild double entendre, KK?! You truly drain me dry, my dear!].
When you were seeing eyepatches everywhere? Consider Maggie Grace-who played Shannon on "LOST" before her untimely death at the hands of a trigger happy Anna Lucia: BEFORE - over the weekend saw her playing welfare mother on an episode of "ER" from the mid-90s//AFTER--I could swear I saw her in a clip from a current film "TAKEN". She play (I think) either Liam Neeson's daughter or the daughter's friend-both of whom are kidnapped (again, I think!) One of those films we could write out the plot without seeing.
Also saw Cynthia Wastros (Libby) playing a protected witness with three kids.
I'm sure I'll have much more this week. You take care birthday girl and Taurus! I'm Libra/Scorpio (I have an interesting astrology story for later!) Stay safe in the mean city--Know I'll be thinking of you...let me count the ways...
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Just received your letter with Kurt Vonnegut and that fantastic info. on Flash Forward. Plus we've both seen the news of the new Television show on ABC--Yes--We must watch-more time travel for our brains to totally come together as one on! Terrible sentence/Must go.
XO, Michael
Friday, June 5, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #25
Hello KK---
So much to get to, Kelly. You always seem to get the creative juices flowing! Once again, sorry for the long delay between letters with the long holiday weekend.
I love your Saturdays--when you describe them you absolutely sound like a delightful "homebody"! Sounds like Mini likes them too.
Let me delve into the rest of your letter after your "K Kwestionaire!) I know--terrible alliterative play on words.
Wow! Please tell me "Just Another Love Story" is based on a Danish novel. What a dark, twisted, lovely plot! If there is a book I would definitely want to read it. That leads nicely into the films of the Danish director Lars von Trier, whose new film has made a huge splash at Cannes: "ANTICHRIST". I saw a reprint of part of Manhohla Dargi's review in the Times: "An alternately deadly serious and highly ironic exploration of psychosexual trauma, with Willem Defoe & Charlotte Gainsbourg as a couple grieving the death of their only child..."I would be lying if I didn't admit that this impossible movie kept me hooked from start to finish."
Sounds quite interesting, KK. I've read so much about von Trier's films, I feel like I've seen them--even though I have no. All of them sound fascinating & highly controversial & provocative. So I must ask you if you've seen von Triers:
"BREAKING THE WAVES" (1996)
"DOGVILLE: 03
"MANDERLAY" 05
Again, I haven't seen them, but very curious if you have. I could spend a DVD night watching all three. And curious about the new film "ANTICHRIST" as well.
By the way---think I mentioned before that Chloe Sevigny has really impressed me in what I've seen her in. And I find it amazing that Lauren Bacall, who starred with Bogart! is still working in good, complex roles.
Back to your letter---I've not seen "EXOTICA" [Atom Egoyan]--but have heard very good things. Are you familiar with Egoyan's film "THE SWEET HEREAFTER"--based on the truly haunting novel by Russell Banks. It is about the aftermath of a devastating bus accident in a small Canadian town that kills many of the town's children. Stars Sarah Polley--very talented actress who also directed her first film about Alzheimer's: "AWAY FROM HER" 07 that starred Julie Christie.
Music...Nirvana & Kurt Cobain-quintessential 90s rock but totally timeless. Even though I was not a big fan at the time, I still recall the overwhelming reaction to his death. To try to get inside you musically, I will try to listen to some of your artists that you mentioned. I've not seen "ONCE" but you LOVE the soundtrack! I do think I've heard the song "Falling Slowly" that won the Oscar. You must send me lyrics to any of these songs that move you deeply whether happily or sadly...
Let me close by turning serious again: You say you "don't write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am." KK---you could not be more wrong. [Let's see ME: ---book? not good and lots of rumors--so many rumors.] It was Tolstoy or one of the Russian writers who said that every person's life is an immense and fascinating novel. Admittedly, mine is unusual and ultimately tragic--but you, KK... Well I've already said---I want to you you---well...very well. Please do explore intimately and in detail the "pain of life" you experienced. I want to share it and know it with you. Just as I want to share as much of what I've been through with you.
I'm not so sure you are ready to answer "specific questions", KK. It is so liberating when one can talk to someone about most everything--but it is not easy. Most people shy away to the safe and banal and the non-controversial---as in their relationships as well.
So---Consider yourself very interesting and fascinating, KK! But I can only ask you to share & open up with what you are willing to explore & discuss...
"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea."
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1797)
KK no reason...just some brilliant words.
Must get this in the mail---but a comment on your mention of the novel FLASH FORWARD (Robert J. Sawyer) as an inspiration for "LOST". Apparently, "FLASH FORWARD" is going to be a new ABC TV series come this fall: the series will explore the effects of a worldwide 2 min/17 sec period of unconsciousness in which people are able to see themselves six months in the future. That might be going to the well once too often, but who knows?
Thinking of you,
Yours,
Michael
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #24
Dear KK---
Hi, sunshine! First of all, let me again wish you a happy birthday. And add, optimistically, that no doubt your best days are still ahead of you. Curious to hear your comments regarding God of Carnage, which you were going to see on Wed. the 13th. Speaking of which: Yes, your life is so dull. LOL...you don't fool me...Besides the theater, this past week you had a Korean spa treatment [I've got to tell you, that sounds incredibly sensual!], a Korean restaurant, and a cocktail party. Ms. K on the town!
Leaving my good-natured sarcasm aside...as always when writing to you--where to begin? I have your brilliant letter with all your questions! No problem as I've said before--and I will get to all of them if not today then tomorrow: but let me play a little "catch-up" with some of the cool stuff you've sent to me recently: Outside the Box: PARTY ANIMALS: Very beautiful KK. By far your most personal and lovely blog/column I've read so far. You've captured perfectly the intimate experience of sleeping with someone when bodies and emotions are totally comfortable and synchronized... "Our bodies intertwined expertly..."the Night Dance"... I would assume that some beautifully intimate & orgasmic sexual couplings of all varieties took place during the night, in between the exhausted sleep over lovers. [Ed.: Swango infers wrong here. The column had nothing to do with anything sexual. I think it was pretty clear there was nothing graphic going on at all. Swango tends to always try to bring up "sensual" and "sexual" things, but I have refused to write anything of that nature to him, going so far as clearly stating that I am happy to write to him as a penpal but am not flirting or looking for any sort of relationship beyond a platonic one.]
So very emotionally powerful, KK. And what was the answer to your question at the end: "When I come back from India, I hope he'll still be here."
So, KK, was he?
***
>An odd little story by J. G. Ballard. It mirrors several of his apocalyptic novels.
>The "Brain Games" profile of the neuroscientist Vlaya S. Ramachandran truly discusses some cutting-edge research. It opened with a discussion of a patient with the bizarre disorder "apotemnophilia": the compulsion to have a healthy limb amputated. The FX show "NIP/TUCK", the Grand Guignol of crazy medical shows, had a storyline a couple of seasons ago concerning such a patient. Ended with the man attempting a self-amputation, with predictably disastrous results. [Yes, I caught the "prison humor" cartoon near the end!]
>Although I'm not a pure vegetarian I must admit that Korrie Chichester's menu at the National Gourmet Institute had some interesting items. Can't go wrong with a salad of course/and fried crispy eggplant is great over salad or over rice.
***
-With the Cannes Film Festival underway, the release of more serious and Oscar/Golden Globe hungry films will only expand as the year goes on. Just some brief comments on some film reviews heard and seen over the weekend:
"The Brothers Bloom" --about an elaborate con. With Rachel Weisz, Mark Ruffalo, Adrien Brody sounds well-done & entertaining, but not sure if it's worth a full admission price.
"Jerichow": From your Times: "a compact and somber German film...a variation on Cain's "The Postman Always Rings Twice." Here's the last paragraph:
"There is nonetheless something haunting about this film, a sense of desperation and defeat that seems less like a generic convention than like a genuine insight on intuition into what can happen at the crossroads of lust, loneliness, & materialism.
Ah Yes--The American Dream!
"Summer Hours": A French film (YES!) about an inheritance on the surface, and much much more underneath. Very positive reviews, especially for Juliette Binoche. She was so good in the 92 British film, "Damage", directed by Louis Malle.
"Management": Like you & me & M. Night Shyamalan, I'm one of those few people who liked or even saw the Jennifer Aniston/Jake Gyllenhaal film "The Good Girl." I kid you not--the total U.S. box office was, like, $2m+! Aniston's newest film is "Management", which sounds equally "quirky", if that's the right word. When she plays against type, Aniston does very well.
More to say about your interesting comments on film---especially your synopsis of that Danish film: "Just Another Love Story". Sounds like an utterly fascinating movie. You & I are in agreement on this one, KK.
But let me move to your questions. You numbered them 1-8, and I know your letter is saved on disc, so let me try to answer them that way.
[Ed.: for readers here, you can go to my last letter posted to Swango where I ask him 8 questions about his crimes.]
1) Obviously it is difficult to pinpoint precisely why we want to know someone very, very well--to know them inside & out, as I've said before. To share & discuss intimacies & explore more than just the superficial and banal. From your very first letter and that super-cute (don't' get shy on me!) card, you definitely had my attention! You seemed so off-handed and normal. Then when your second letter arrived sans writing-envelope only...now I really wanted to hear from you! You are right--I do not respond this way to anyone who writes to me.
[May I say this: There are a lot of people more and more each day I am sure, who simply cannot write or type an actual snail-mail letter. It has nothing to do with intelligence--it's because since the mid-90s electronic/telephone communication has quickly overwhelmed all other means.]
But your self-deprecating comments aside, you really are a most fascinating & intelligent woman who has so many interests & passions. Forget the fact that you are lovely as well--your intelligence & your mind makes you immensely attractive. And as I've already said intelligence & the mind are much more sexy and sensual than appearance alone. Not to imply that I can't be superficial as well. :-)
I do want to know you so very well---and for you to know me. I only wonder if you are able or willing to share in such an unusual way to be sure. It's never easy to open yourself up to anyone. It's not easy for me, KK.
You asked, please don't hold it against me!
My other answers should be shorter:
2) NO. I have no yet read BLIND EYE in its entirety. During legal negotiations my attorneys asked me to read a few specific passages. The reasons escape me at this time. Some of what I read was accurate, some was not. Again, for legal reasons did not then & could not now get involved with the author.
3) The answer here is no. Nothing of that sort was ever done to Kristin by me. Could not imagine it. You may know that I was no with her during the last 3 weeks of her life---she was in Virginia, I was in NY. [Ed.: I asked him if he poisoned Kristin at any point as her autopsied body had a high concentration of arsenic in it.]
4) Again, no. No such pleasure. (My "outlets" were intense & usually quite emotional...) again, very lucky in that way. [Ed.: I asked him why he poisoned--if he got a sexual pleasure out of it or if it was a compulsion about control.]
5) I think we've discussed most of this. Again--no question there were some sociopathic "holes"/ but so much was and is "normal" --whatever that means. And I would beg to differ in the last two lines. No question that my time here, in this modern-day & secure Cistercian monastery, has changed me significantly. Believe me, if you had written four or five years ago, I was much different. Not so good.
6) Your easiest question, KK: No. [Ed.: I asked him if he still gets thoughts to kill or poison.]
7) This I think we've answer in letters since. I don't know if "fix" is the right word--but time & discipline (self) and the memory palace are some of the reasons why.
8) Again. No. This was always wildly exaggerated. I was a paramedic, medical student, ER doctor---of course I was interested to some degree. [Ed.: I asked him if he still kept scrapbooks of disasters, murders, deaths.]
There are still [my God you are addictive, dear KK!] several things from your letter that I want to talk about--but I must get this in the mail.
So--very quickly: Obviously, whatever I failed to answer of your questions, I will try again if necessary. In this case, curiosity is a marvelous attribute of this particular dog lover! [Hello, Mini--who's a good dog!]
[Ed.: He enclosed a few film reviews and articles. ]
Let me apologize in advance for any longer than usual delay in mail caused by the Memorial Day weekend. Hope your weather is good in NYC and you stay safe. Take care--thinking of you.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Yes, pages 5-9 took twice as long as 1-4.
Hi, sunshine! First of all, let me again wish you a happy birthday. And add, optimistically, that no doubt your best days are still ahead of you. Curious to hear your comments regarding God of Carnage, which you were going to see on Wed. the 13th. Speaking of which: Yes, your life is so dull. LOL...you don't fool me...Besides the theater, this past week you had a Korean spa treatment [I've got to tell you, that sounds incredibly sensual!], a Korean restaurant, and a cocktail party. Ms. K on the town!
Leaving my good-natured sarcasm aside...as always when writing to you--where to begin? I have your brilliant letter with all your questions! No problem as I've said before--and I will get to all of them if not today then tomorrow: but let me play a little "catch-up" with some of the cool stuff you've sent to me recently: Outside the Box: PARTY ANIMALS: Very beautiful KK. By far your most personal and lovely blog/column I've read so far. You've captured perfectly the intimate experience of sleeping with someone when bodies and emotions are totally comfortable and synchronized... "Our bodies intertwined expertly..."the Night Dance"... I would assume that some beautifully intimate & orgasmic sexual couplings of all varieties took place during the night, in between the exhausted sleep over lovers. [Ed.: Swango infers wrong here. The column had nothing to do with anything sexual. I think it was pretty clear there was nothing graphic going on at all. Swango tends to always try to bring up "sensual" and "sexual" things, but I have refused to write anything of that nature to him, going so far as clearly stating that I am happy to write to him as a penpal but am not flirting or looking for any sort of relationship beyond a platonic one.]
So very emotionally powerful, KK. And what was the answer to your question at the end: "When I come back from India, I hope he'll still be here."
So, KK, was he?
***
>An odd little story by J. G. Ballard. It mirrors several of his apocalyptic novels.
>The "Brain Games" profile of the neuroscientist Vlaya S. Ramachandran truly discusses some cutting-edge research. It opened with a discussion of a patient with the bizarre disorder "apotemnophilia": the compulsion to have a healthy limb amputated. The FX show "NIP/TUCK", the Grand Guignol of crazy medical shows, had a storyline a couple of seasons ago concerning such a patient. Ended with the man attempting a self-amputation, with predictably disastrous results. [Yes, I caught the "prison humor" cartoon near the end!]
>Although I'm not a pure vegetarian I must admit that Korrie Chichester's menu at the National Gourmet Institute had some interesting items. Can't go wrong with a salad of course/and fried crispy eggplant is great over salad or over rice.
***
-With the Cannes Film Festival underway, the release of more serious and Oscar/Golden Globe hungry films will only expand as the year goes on. Just some brief comments on some film reviews heard and seen over the weekend:
"The Brothers Bloom" --about an elaborate con. With Rachel Weisz, Mark Ruffalo, Adrien Brody sounds well-done & entertaining, but not sure if it's worth a full admission price.
"Jerichow": From your Times: "a compact and somber German film...a variation on Cain's "The Postman Always Rings Twice." Here's the last paragraph:
"There is nonetheless something haunting about this film, a sense of desperation and defeat that seems less like a generic convention than like a genuine insight on intuition into what can happen at the crossroads of lust, loneliness, & materialism.
Ah Yes--The American Dream!
"Summer Hours": A French film (YES!) about an inheritance on the surface, and much much more underneath. Very positive reviews, especially for Juliette Binoche. She was so good in the 92 British film, "Damage", directed by Louis Malle.
"Management": Like you & me & M. Night Shyamalan, I'm one of those few people who liked or even saw the Jennifer Aniston/Jake Gyllenhaal film "The Good Girl." I kid you not--the total U.S. box office was, like, $2m+! Aniston's newest film is "Management", which sounds equally "quirky", if that's the right word. When she plays against type, Aniston does very well.
More to say about your interesting comments on film---especially your synopsis of that Danish film: "Just Another Love Story". Sounds like an utterly fascinating movie. You & I are in agreement on this one, KK.
But let me move to your questions. You numbered them 1-8, and I know your letter is saved on disc, so let me try to answer them that way.
[Ed.: for readers here, you can go to my last letter posted to Swango where I ask him 8 questions about his crimes.]
1) Obviously it is difficult to pinpoint precisely why we want to know someone very, very well--to know them inside & out, as I've said before. To share & discuss intimacies & explore more than just the superficial and banal. From your very first letter and that super-cute (don't' get shy on me!) card, you definitely had my attention! You seemed so off-handed and normal. Then when your second letter arrived sans writing-envelope only...now I really wanted to hear from you! You are right--I do not respond this way to anyone who writes to me.
[May I say this: There are a lot of people more and more each day I am sure, who simply cannot write or type an actual snail-mail letter. It has nothing to do with intelligence--it's because since the mid-90s electronic/telephone communication has quickly overwhelmed all other means.]
But your self-deprecating comments aside, you really are a most fascinating & intelligent woman who has so many interests & passions. Forget the fact that you are lovely as well--your intelligence & your mind makes you immensely attractive. And as I've already said intelligence & the mind are much more sexy and sensual than appearance alone. Not to imply that I can't be superficial as well. :-)
I do want to know you so very well---and for you to know me. I only wonder if you are able or willing to share in such an unusual way to be sure. It's never easy to open yourself up to anyone. It's not easy for me, KK.
You asked, please don't hold it against me!
My other answers should be shorter:
2) NO. I have no yet read BLIND EYE in its entirety. During legal negotiations my attorneys asked me to read a few specific passages. The reasons escape me at this time. Some of what I read was accurate, some was not. Again, for legal reasons did not then & could not now get involved with the author.
3) The answer here is no. Nothing of that sort was ever done to Kristin by me. Could not imagine it. You may know that I was no with her during the last 3 weeks of her life---she was in Virginia, I was in NY. [Ed.: I asked him if he poisoned Kristin at any point as her autopsied body had a high concentration of arsenic in it.]
4) Again, no. No such pleasure. (My "outlets" were intense & usually quite emotional...) again, very lucky in that way. [Ed.: I asked him why he poisoned--if he got a sexual pleasure out of it or if it was a compulsion about control.]
5) I think we've discussed most of this. Again--no question there were some sociopathic "holes"/ but so much was and is "normal" --whatever that means. And I would beg to differ in the last two lines. No question that my time here, in this modern-day & secure Cistercian monastery, has changed me significantly. Believe me, if you had written four or five years ago, I was much different. Not so good.
6) Your easiest question, KK: No. [Ed.: I asked him if he still gets thoughts to kill or poison.]
7) This I think we've answer in letters since. I don't know if "fix" is the right word--but time & discipline (self) and the memory palace are some of the reasons why.
8) Again. No. This was always wildly exaggerated. I was a paramedic, medical student, ER doctor---of course I was interested to some degree. [Ed.: I asked him if he still kept scrapbooks of disasters, murders, deaths.]
There are still [my God you are addictive, dear KK!] several things from your letter that I want to talk about--but I must get this in the mail.
So--very quickly: Obviously, whatever I failed to answer of your questions, I will try again if necessary. In this case, curiosity is a marvelous attribute of this particular dog lover! [Hello, Mini--who's a good dog!]
[Ed.: He enclosed a few film reviews and articles. ]
Let me apologize in advance for any longer than usual delay in mail caused by the Memorial Day weekend. Hope your weather is good in NYC and you stay safe. Take care--thinking of you.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Yes, pages 5-9 took twice as long as 1-4.
