Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #18 & #19

Hello,

THREE LETTERS! Let me start by saying that I’m very anxious today, and I fear the depression is really moving in. I am upset about money/work stuff---haven’t got enough clients to make enough to support my lifestyle now so I have been looking for more and also trying to apply to full-time jobs, but they are scarce. Today was my last day at the personal trainer b/c I can’t afford it anymore, and I fear I’ll get flabby. I do not have the will to go to the gym without a trainer so I am not signing up for one. Also, there are some other things going on in my life that I can’t really discuss here now, but they involve a lawsuit. (Not against me…the other way around.)

It has been raining for days. It is grey and very sticky and humid out. After my last training session I went to my favorite Indian place to get lunch, but the Universe, once again, is conspiring against me because as I was eating I saw not one but TWO roaches. Ugh. Some days are better if you just lock yourself in the house.

Onto your questions. I did not grow up in NYC, but just across the river in NJ, by Hoboken. Not sure if you know where that is. I am an only child so there was no buffer from my schizo mother. It was really awful. But it has helped me become creative and I can amuse myself quite easily. I have many close friends, but tend to like to be alone a lot more than most. I relish the peace and quiet because I did not have it in my early years. Tell me about your brothers…

The smell of stale cigarettes in a warm, unventilated room bring me right back… ugh. You mentioned you would have loved to have met me in ’93…what were you doing in ’93? I don’t think you were in jail yet, right? But you were a dr. by then? I was still living in NJ in ’93 but I lived alone in a small basement apt. I always wanted to move to NYC because I knew that my mother would never come here. It worked!

There is no cure for interstitial cystitis and no one knows what causes it. There are a few treatments, most of which are painful and did not work for me. I am generally fine with few flair-ups as long as I watch what I eat and drink and get lots of sleep. I sleep A LOT and need a steady schedule or else my bladder acts up. Most people don’t know or notice thankfully.

So you avoided getting HIV? That is very good---but you had girlfriends in Africa. I’m assuming you only dated people who were tested… You are right in assuming I would find it inappropriate to discuss anything sexual in letters. I am happy to be your penpal, but I don’t think it wise to write anything sexually explicit to someone incarcerated. I assume your letters are read by guards or others in the jail system.

I do not have many HIV positive friends. In fact I only know one person with it and apparently he has had it since ’85 and has never taken a cocktail or any other meds for it. .He appears healthier than I am… In this regard he is lucky.

I haven’t watched the first season of Breaking Bad yet b/c the first disc is not available on Netflix. I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find John Hamm dreamy!

You mention you find it odd people still remember you and your case. I guess they do because Blind Eye was a bestseller and tons of people read it. It was quite powerful. Reading it was pretty scary. Many of my friends have read it before I even knew about it or who you were so they are afraid you might want to poison me. Sure hope not. The guy who wrote it grew up in Quincy, Illinois.

David Sedaris IS related to the actress/comedienne Amy Sedaris.

You mention having worked in healthcare you have known many gays. Have you ever had gay experiences? There is no mention of that in the book about you so I assume not, but you never know…

IN TREATMENT ended very anticlimactically. He quits his own therapist, is still single, doesn’t get back with his wife and his patients all quit for some reason or another. I heard they are still in talks for Season Three as the ratings went way down.

My god-daughter is 9. She lives in NJ with her parents. Her mother is an old and close friend of mine. I actually have two god-daughters. The other is only 9mos and her name is London. She lives here by me in NYC. She hasn’t been to the zoo yet, although her mom just took her to Greece for 10 days. Kids are scary and draining. I’m better with dogs.

Glad you liked the creepy cards I have sent. I collect creepy postcards.

Wow! You are up everyday at 6:15am? For breakfast? I guess you must go to bed early if you are eating your dinner at 5pm. Jail sounds so strange and scary and depressing, but also regimented. I like regimented. I am very regimented, although I hate having others tell me what to do.

You mention the Nurse Jackie clipping was sent to you by your medical correspondent…who is that? An old dr. colleague? It’s great you have lots of people who write that you correspond with. I will not be watching Nurse Jackie. Just doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want to start a new show.

This week I did something fun and different. I went all the way over to a place betw. Aves. B and C that I used to go to when I was in college. I used to go for urban poetry slams but this Tuesday they had this thing from a group called MOTH Story Slams. The concept is that each week it is held in a different place and there is a different theme. Tuesday’s was WHEELS. So people can put their name in a hat and 10 are picked to tell 5 minute stories (telling, not reading) about that topic. (I just went to watch.) The audience votes on each story and at the end a winner is picked. It was such a great night. The story I liked the best was by a guy with a great name: REED JENNER. He was so very handsome too. No wedding band. So I sent him a message the following day telling him how moved I was by his quirky and very personal story (it was about a comical suicide attempt.) Turns out he lives right by me only a few blocks away. Too bad he just had his girlfriend move in. At least I made a new friend… I plan on going to more of these Story Slams. The next one I am available for is CUPID in July. I will not be telling a story, but if EXCRETIONS, JEANS, or SHOPPING are ever topics, you know which I will be telling.

I don’t have many plans this weekend. I may to go NJ Sat. night to hang out with a friend in my old neighborhood. Haven’t really been back in 10 years, so it’ll be odd.

Well, as always, take care.

--Kelly

***

Dear MS—

I was surprised I didn’t get a letter from you last week, but there was a big envelope in my mailbox today! I find it odd that you think I have a wall up. I feel like I am extremely forthcoming to you (and most I meet.) I am typically very open. In the regard to the “HIV case” I cannot discuss this at present b/c it involves a lawsuit (not against me) and as I’m sure you are well aware, legally I cannot discuss anything while it remains open. I am sorry for being cryptic in this regard, but I do not even discuss the ins and outs of it with my real-life acquaintances. Believe me, I promise to write about this very publicly when I am able to.

When something bad happens to me, I process it better by writing about it. That is why blogging has been so powerful and therapeutic for me. The column, a less-serious extension of that, was also helpful to me in airing out my relationships and by doing so, seeing them more clearly. I think most things can be cured—well, maybe not cured, but helped—by writing about them.

I love hearing about your doctor/paramedic stories, so feel free to send more on. Surely you can understand, though, that I do not want to blindly believe anything I read about you. That is why I specifically ask you so many questions. I want to hear the full story from your point of view. I realize you are not allowed to write it to me in its entirety, but I really wish there was a “Blind Eye” written by you. You don’t dispute you did things that make you deserve to be in jail, but you have never really detailed what exactly you did. So I am left to only having what is written in print and online as a resource and that is not good. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Or at least an article? I know this might sound absurd, but given the American public’s fascination with murderers and the like, I’d love to be able to write a book about the incarcerated’s thoughts---like what do they think about their crimes, the penal system, the prisons they are in & how do they keep going knowing they will be in jail for the rest of their life, or worse, on Death Row. It seems to me that prisoners seem to lose their voice once convicted, and while I would offer no editorialization of my own, their words should be heard and stand by themselves. For example, your clarification on KK’s autopsy. I would have never known that had we not been corresponding. Are there some things you’d like the public to know about you? I wonder if that is important to you.

I have two meetings this week with potential new clients (fingers crossed) and have also been applying to jobs. I’d hate to give up my freelance lifestyle, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I love freedom, but I like not being homeless more.

Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear your six-word memoir and maybe even a travel one too… maybe about Africa???

And yes, Who’s Afraid of… made me extremely tense.

Ah, the breast reduction surgery I actually had TWICE. When I was 32 I had it done. I won’t get into graphic detail, but they were still too big afterwards and within a year they grew back to their original size. So last year when I turned 38 I went back and got it redone. They are almost too small now, but I am much happier. The first time left me with no scars, but this time I do have them. Still, fitting in clothes perfectly is priceless. I guess I should mentioned I’ve also had a nose job (actually two because the first heeled with a bump). So there you go, you now know more about me than before. The wedding picture was after the first reduction but before the second. I’m done with surgery, although I really hate my neck…

I have been systematically going through all my closets/drawers and organizing them, taking out winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. Many things are too big for me as I’ve lost weight, so I have to shift the closets around. I am trying to make everything neat and perfect before leaving this Sunday to Alaska. Tonight I have the second part of my writing class: HOW TO GET PUBLISHED. Basically it teaches you how to get an agent and the importance of the query letter. I had to write one tonight to bring to class. I hope to take another class after summer about HOW TO WRITE A NON-FICTION BOOK PROPOSAL. Then this Friday is my cooking class in PAELLA. A class of 12 makes three types of paella and at the end of the class we get to eat them and drink wine. YUM!

Not sure if you are following the crazy weather the East Coast has been experiencing, but we have had weeks of rain. I have forgotten what the sun looks like. Usually by now I’ve been to the beach and am tan. Instead I’m pasty white and have not been near the sand and surf. Hopefully when I return from Alaska I can salvage what remains of the summer.

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. ---KK