Well, I am going to make an attempt at writing a semi-coherent letter, but no promises. In case you haven't seen the update on mb6 (www.minutesbeforesix.com), they took me to the hospital for two weeks, and I had my surgery on the 5th. I'm still a little out of it, and very tired, but I stopped taking the Tylenol 3s because I hate feeling like a zombie. My head is just starting to clear a bit. Hard to tell at this point whether the operation was a success, but I have high hopes. I knew immediately the last time that something was wrong, and I don't get that feeling this time around, so that is good. Damn, I hate hunting and pecking with one hand...annoying. [Ed.: He typically hand writes his letters, but I assume since he can't use his arm, they have allowed him the use of a typewriter.] Thankfully, they managed to get me most of my mail from my absence, so I have plenty to do this weekend. Actually, I'm not even touching about 95% of this shit. I've really been cutting back on my correspondence, but you would be amazed at how much fluff still exists in my life. How do we attract so much unnecessary clutter? How did your Memorial Day weekend deal go? End up drinking that whole bottle yourself? Hah, you asked about hooch. No, they don't sell alcohol here. But you can make it. Sugar+yeast-alcohol and C02. There are many formulas for this, some better than others, mine better than most. Obviously, if they catch you, you get a case and go to F-Pod. Of course, if some clever person were to find a poor drunkard to hold the fermenting brew in reward for a few bottles free of charge, then there wouldn't be any risk, would there? :-) Take about a week to brew, if you do it right and make the "kicker" correctly, which is usually fermenting fruit. Tastes like all the foulness in the world, but it gets the job done quite well. I was in a Unit called Limestone once, where the guards sold bottles of Jack Daniels for 75 dollars, which was interesting. I didn't have the cash, but it was fun to see. Of course, most drugs are available, should one desire, but I made a decision not to do that shite anymore years ago. You would be amazed what sounds sensible on Meth.
So, Texas scares you some? Me too. I hate this fucking state. Austin is cool, I guess. And no, I try to stay way from the whole Texas drawl thing, which requires constant vigilance. You never realize just how much the speech patterns of others affect you, until you are really paying attention not to mimic them. As far as the visitation thing goes, I would be honored to meet you, should you ever come South. Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than all that. I have a list which is ten slots long. I can alter this list every six months. It is a bit of a juggling act, keeping certain people on there, and so forth, but I can manage. The major thing is, I would need to know well in advance about your trip, maybe even as far as six months ahead of time, in order to get it all set up. Being that you are from more than 400 miles away, there exits the options for a "special visit", which is longer in length and also for additional days, if such is desired. We can talk more about this, if you want. I've never had a lot of luck with out of town visits, but I'm ever an optimist. (wretches)
Haha, so you'd sell my lovesick letters on Ebay, huh? Bitch! Would be pretty fun, though, especially if I went into all sorts of fucked up fantasies with clowns and howler monkeys and the like. Hell, we could probably make some real cash...
My favorite words...hm...you know, I don't really know. They are just sort of tools for me. Let's see...I like the word chem-iluminescens...fun to say and I sort of think this is what we humans are...emitting light in chemical reactions with each other in a sea of darkness. Its been years since I've seen a Scrabble dictionary, but remember it being jam-packed with words I didn't know. Thanks for looking up all that stuff for me. The New Yorker is cheaper than I thought. I think I will get a subscription later this year, when something else ends. Seems like there is lots of good stuff in there. I'm also thinking about changing my newspaper. I get the USA today, but so many people get that here I could just borrow from them. Maybe a weekend subscription to the NY Times. I saw they had an ad for a weekend version for like $5.20 a week, or something. Think that would be worth it. The Sunday edition is good, right? Prison Legal News is a decent publication, with lots of data on case law for jailhouse lawyers. Sort of stripped down on legal theory, but heavy on application. Smithsonian is hit or miss. I don't think I will do that one again. I guess magazines are simply a way to stay connected in some way to the world. You tend to feel like you aren't a part of it any more, living here. I'm afraid I've never quite gotten over my Marxist leanings, so I thin I'm going to get a European publication called the "New Left", also. I've got a budget that I adhere to rather strenuously, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself., but I do tend to play way out in advance.
no, I haven't met my Dad's new wife yet. I can edit my list in July, and I will add her to it. They are now in Aspen until September, so I guess I will see her when I see her. Everybody says she is nice, which usually mean I am going to dislike such a person immediately, but maybe this time will be different. She is good for my Dad, and that is all that matters. Sorry for all the errors...I'm out of correctable type ribbons. You would think that hunting and pecking would produce a cleaner letter, but you would be wrong. I guess I'm still a little fuzzy upstairs.
That is quite a story you told me about your youth. I hardly know where to begin, and I fear saying something which would be taken as patronizing. Quite frankly I am amazed at your strength. I knew, of course, that your childhood had been difficult, but I had no idea. I guess what I mean to say is that I am proud to know you, Kelly. Most people would have folded a long time ago, but you kept going. Gives me hope, because while my situation is nowhere close to yours, and deserved, I sometimes wonder if I have the fortitude to go on. I guess if you can make it, I have no excuse not to. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother now? What is your relationship like with her? I understand the feeling of not liking to write about the past. It's sort of walking barefoot down memory lane when someone has gone ahead of you breaking bottles all over the place. I understand that the past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it, but it is much more complicated than all that. I don't really know what I am, in terms of putting a name or title to my mental make-up. Obviously I don't feel close to "normal" (whatever the fuck that means) on a lot of issues. Nonetheless, I am trying to be a high-performing whatever-I-am, and this requires me to evaluate a lot of the past, so I can see where my errors come from. Does that make sense? sometimes I wonder if anything I say makes sense to people, or if they just nod and try to move the conversation along. The thing is, for all of my broken morality and weird ways, I'm mostly right about my opinion of the world. About all the illusions we live with, we choose. Its as if, once you see through the bullshit, through all the sophisms of being human, you can't go back, and society has no place for you. I lost control of myself and went nuts, but it was my actions and not my thoughts which were wrong. I was too young to understand what it all meant in a broader context. I feel we are a very, very broken species, half evolved and only barely logical at the best of times. We have invented all of this bullshit to try to distract us from the fact hat the night is long and full of things that do not care about us and I guess this was necessary, but we have lost sight of the fact that all of our myths were bullshit to begin with. We actually believe it now. Even if I were released tomorrow, I don't feel I have a place here anymore. I don't know what I would do. There are no more horizons to push for, at least until we get a handle on travelling to the stars, and I think that such a job is the only thing I am fit for. I would have enjoyed being in the company of Colonel Fawcett, or the like back when there were still portions of the map labeled "terra incognita". I think you get me a little on this, because you have mentioned this sort of nebulous hole in your life, something missing, and I think the root of this is the way we have chosen to design our society. What would you do, if you could do anything?
I get so damnably tired these days so easily. No energy at all. And my staples are itching like you wouldn't believe. I don't know how many there are, but at least 70. They took some bone from my left calf, and some more from my left hip, so I'm pretty worthless from now. I know chicks dig scars, but I think I've taken the theory to a rather ridiculous level. I just hope it was done right this time. I haven't been able to work out in two years, and I miss it. The chin-up bar mocks me :). Well, Kelly, I think I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just out of gas. I hope this finds you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon...Be safe.
T.
P.S. Great picture of you cut out from your business card. Hot, really. So...how you doin'? :)
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