Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #31

Dear KK---

So glad your letter from Sat 5/30 arrived yesterday, so I can at least start answering your always scintillating prose before the weekend. By the way, very elegant paper, and your printer appears to be functioning flawlessly.

Always interesting to receive your letters and know (roughly) what is in the letters already sent to you--and wonder if anything I say can break through that wall that you have so carefully constructed. That's not a negative--I do understand. In the past I've been pretty efficient at wall-building myself. Perhaps my best clue to an answer is you said you might share your "HIV story" in a year or two. Hope it is sooner; but if not that's ok, too. Because-once again, not t make you uncomfortable--knowing you is worth the wait--your personal, sensual, feminine interior side... I know it is rich and amazing, but I also know you reveal so little. I hope, in time, you can to me. Much more on this later, but for now let me get to some items in the news and to your letter:

>I saw that your birthday play--God of Carnage won as least three Tonys. Best Play, Best Director, and Best Actress for Marcia Gay Harden. Glad our viewing of it lived up to the buildup.

>In a letter you should have received in early June, I mentioned some calls I went on as a paramedic--in my continuing effort to reveal to you something of me that hasn't been wildly distorted by the things you've read! I told you about the autoerotic asphyxiation tragedies-so I thought it extremely coincidental when the news of David Carradine's bizarre death circumstances comes to us from Thailand. the initial reports & some of the background certainly sounds like autoerotic asphyxiation--but UNLIKE some people I know :-) I'm not ready to pronounce it fact. People have tried to cover up murder by using the shock & sensationalism of AEA.

By the way, as you well know, this is not the first time that the news has reflected something you and I have discussed OR that you and I have independently mentioned the same topic or sent similar articles... a fascinating meeting of the minds. Here's what I wish you could realize: The person you have these connections with--and I believe the connections go far deeper and more intimately--is not the person who committed the acts which resulted in my being here. It's "OK", KK, for you & I share and have common interests, and I hope, know each other much more.

With that said, my dear KK, let me segue into one of the many things in your letter I want to talk about... About every six months or so--more or less--I receive a letter from someone in Europe [often Holland for some reason.} Invariably they say something along the lines of: "I don't' know what is accurate or not of what I've read about you, but in my country we know all about the over 100 innocent men freed from death row. If they can get capital cases so wrong, then we assume a lot else is wrong too." Again, Kelly, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist... So--while I could never, ever hate you for asking questions, I must admit to being bemused & somewhat astonished at your willingness, you--my savvy, sophisticated, cynical [sexy & sensual took can't resist the alliteration! UMMM...!] New Yorker--to believe of accept as gospel almost anything you read about me!

Case in point--among several: "apparently the autopsy showed she had arsenic in her system." It's not easy to discuss, but KK would want me to correct the record. After KK's suicide in July 1993, she had an autopsy, of course, and was then cremated & ashes scattered. Very sad, very poignant. But as I said, I can talk about it when I need to... The autopsy showed no such result at all. Whoever wrote that, whether in a book or on the net or in a newspaper--is simply lying or ignorant.

[You are of course kidding, right? By now you must know I find you highly intelligent, very attractive, funny and very sexy/sensual (not that you dare reveal that part of you...) Hate you? Nonsense, KK.

There was never any mention of this "supposed" finding until after the book & media blitz years later. To this day I have no idea what is the basis. I would be extremely skeptical of any "lab results" suddenly appearing years later. Finally, so far as "migraines & sickness" --poor KK was tentatively diagnosed with Crohn's disease and suffered migraines long before she and I met.

So I have nothing to show/say that anyone was "sneaking" anything into her food or drink. I find it all very unlikely. and I know that I did not.

Again, if those Europeans can see the enormous injustices and inaccuracies in the actual system here/ surely you must take what you read or hear with a grain of salt. :-) A narrative has been created--and I'm sure anyone who reads it or thinks they "know it" believe every word [like those friends you mentioned]. But you, my intelligent and skeptical KK, can know me and let me know you--IF you are willing to open up.

Again, I understand the curiosity. But I could never "hate you" for your questions! [please read again what I said at the bottom of page 4]. And if you still feel like a "virtual stranger" --it's not because I haven't tried to get you to open up & let me inside you... you, try so hard to remain at arm's length, KK. But as I've said, I am patient and you are worth waiting for. If you don't think you are worth waiting for--that would be tragic, KK.

By the way, I could not agree with you more that knowing someone intimately, inside and out, is far more fulfilling & pleasurable than simply discussing films and your admittedly fascinating columns/blogs.

***

Returning to your letter [I can already see this letter will be continued over the weekend--my verbose nature the cause, as usual. But you are to blame too--for being so damned fascinating! :0]

Reading your letter, it sounds like you could definitely benefit from those meditation classes you mentioned! These words noted in your letter written on a "peaceful" Saturday: TENSE, OVERWHELMED, TRYING, FRUSTRATING... Then again I can only imagine the joy of encountering non-paying, deadbeat clients during this economic mess. Aaauugh!

One's memory palace is perfect for relaxation and meditation... [NOTE: Much to discuss re: memory palace... will try to start with that next time.]

Along with your deadbeat client, you mentioned another idiot client who e-mailed insults and abuse to you. There is a theory I ascribe to that such individuals somehow believe they can say anything by e-mail. They would not dare say such things either face-to-face or on the phone. Email is their "weapon of choice." Your self-control in the face of such abuse is remarkable, KK.

You wondered if "these machines" actually have intelligence? I have a humorous and a serious response: OF COURSE they are! And when SkyNet becomes self-aware the machines will unite and destroy mankind!!! Seriously, however, the whole idea of increasingly intelligent, human-like "self aware" machines is a highly intriguing, admittedly nerdy topic. Alan Turing & John van Neumann wrote about this in the 50s and 60s. Brilliant stuff. Stands up even today.

Oh, and by the way--both your computers are actively conspiring against you and the Kinkos computers were in on it too..! xoxo

Sounds like quite a show you went to Saturday night with an author, a band, comedians and "six-word memoirists".

Love your 6 word Life Memoir and Travel. Let me ponder that for a bit, and will send you anything I come up with.

And thank you for your haikuX2--another small piece of the marvelous puzzled that is Kelly K...

You mentioned yelling & fighting couples on stage in God of Carnage. You must adore Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?!!

Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan in the audience. If you get a chance-watch those "Rescue Me' episodes featuring Fox this season. He is so good in that role.

Running short on time, so let me say just a couple of things and get this in the mail:

"Brothers Bloom"/"Adoration"/others you and I have mentioned. Big stars, big directors, bad films. Why does this happen so often.

Finally, you mentioned your breast-reduction surgery. I don't' know if your wedding photo was before or after-but as I said earlier, every part of you look absolutely lovely.... Was that a difficult decision to make? It is well-known in surgical circles that breast reduction surgery is a much more difficult operation than breast augmentation. Talk to me. I'm sure you went through a lot both before & after... I would say more, but don't want to make you uncomfortable...

Speaking of which, my letter over the weekend will talk about memory & memory palace--as well as the "night dance" & "Scout". I'm sure no matter what I say, it will make you uncomfortable...I hope I can change that, KK...completely.]

And your additional "questions" of course! Your questions how amazing insight & intensity; now if you an realize I have the same attitude in wanting to know so much more about you, and OMG! do I dare dream of such insight & intensity directed towards other parts of life & the human experience?

Be good, be calm [Ohmmmmm....], and know I'll be thinking of you often.

Yours,

Michael

P.S. There is a radio station (on the TV) that plays Alt Rock/Grunge/Industrial Rock including Nirvana.