Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #56

Dear Kelly,

It's late and I'm just sort of marinating in my feelings after my ex wrote me tonight and told me she's getting married this spring, two weeks before my birthday. She's the only woman I've ever been in love with . I've been with all sorts of women; super feminine , butch, thin, fat, white, brown, black, younger, older, but she is something so special. There was a time in my life I thought I would spend forever with her. This is really a first for me. I think if David, my first love, ever, were to tell me he's married or having kids, I think I'd break down to pieces and eat 10,000 calorie aday until I was 200 pounds and I don't know. She's one of my best friends and I actually like her fiancee, which makes this easier to deal with or maybe harder because I can't hate her soon to be wife, so I have to be happy about it just because she's happy, and that's what is most important. This sucks because it changes things, but I don't know how.

Hootie's singing a sad love song on the radio, killing me softly.

And you! Just got back from Mexico with Amir! How great was that? I do believe this is the next step in something beautiful. (or heartbreaking, possibly, but one hell of an adventure!). Those butterflies you get with him, that's the stuff of great romances, the stuff I once had...everyday for two years, even. When we weren't being romantic we were the close friends, and I'll still get butterflies just seeing her smile at me.

Ugh.


New Year's Eve was totally uneventful. I sat doing some creative writing, heard "Happy New Year, ladies" over the intercom and went back to writing. In general population, we often got creative, cook microwave meals, and watch Dick Clark, but in here, we'll all locked in dark cells. Last year, I did a ritual prayer to the Universal Spirit. It was answered throughout the year, although God has a terrible sense of humor.

I usually listen to the football games, but sometimes during my hour of recreation, in a room w/ a tv, a football game will be on. But 98% of the games, I can catch on an AM station. The Colts are out of the playoffs. It's now down to four teams and I'm hoping to see the Superbowl be played by the Chicago Bears vs. the New York Jets. I want Chicago to win, but I think that would be a great game to hear/see. Do you ever keep up with any sport? Or even care what the Yankees, Giants, Jets, Knicks, anyone of them are doing? Probably not. I don't have a TV in my room because there are no electrical outlets. Even if I did I would only use it for sports or crafty shows, or Public Broadcast News. But for now I have Westwood One and NPR with the BBC news, and that's good enough for me. If I need a laugh there's always ghosts and aliens on Coast to Coast or talk radio stupidity.

Your New Year's experience with Amir,meeting his long-time friends, and then going to Mexico...Valentine's Day on the horizen, then the premiere in May... Kelly, I think you should learn how to say "I love you" in Farsi and "Yes, I will marry you."

I mean, I'm just saying...

If youcan't find motivation to job search, then maybe you shoudl invest your time in Kartoonz and a trila of Rosetta Stone to improve your value to Mr. Amir!

I'm geting some really good advice fro m the Freanch guy. former mail artist/activist. I'm always working on making this shit work one way or another.

This whole past two weeks has been hell, mentally.

I'm not sure if I'm morphing into a fruit, a nut or a vegetable. After a minor breakdown Thursday, I have slowly climbed back into reality. I posted up a little note where I can always see it that is on a little bright pink square from a letter you sent: (I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS) and I wrote:

STAY LATER.
WORK HARDER.
BE A CHAMPION.

___

I have a habit of posting motivation on my folders, pencil box, food boxes, trash can, everywhere. It works. Try it. On my Colgate toothpaste box-turned pencil box, I taped:

FIGHT BACK

Next to it is a mini picture of Edvard Munch's "Scream".

AHHHHHHHH.

When I hear songs like "Eye of the Tiger" I get up and sing loud and get moving, doing shit. Find out what motivates you. And do it.

Maybe Amir's ex is some sleazy Paris Hilton or someone. Did you know she was arrested in South Africa during the World Cup for smoking a joint in front of a policeman? What a dumbass. Have you looked through his media-related photos for a possible glimpse? Perhaps if you were to go to DC to have dinner with his molm, you can form a bond, get a clue, or ask to look through his family album, as he surely took her to a family event, yes? or has her in there somewhere...

Do you know the LaMama Theater? I heard the founder died and heard clips of interviews with her and people she helped make famous in her off-Broadway shows. I forget her name, but as I know how you enjoy theater, I wondered if you'd been to one there.


I'm tired and still sort of emotionally numb. I need to cry or somethign and deal with the inevitable sadness, and get it over with. I also have a load of case laws to read. It never ends.

Take care, I hope the Universe blesses you today.

Sarah