Letters from the Inside, Thomas Whitaker, #17

Dear Kelly, the exceedingly patient,

Hello. Sorry its been awhile, I know. Some existential crisis battered me about for a bit, but I slogged my way through. Just for once, I would love to feel like I really won a conflict, rather than just muddling through. Maybe that is the true existential conflict of our time: redefining what it even means to win.

Odd that you should mention Mr. Sells. [Ed.: Tommy Lynn Sells is an inmate that is housed with Bart on Death Row. I didn't realize this until just recently. 48 Hour Mystery did a Live to Tell segment recently about two little girls who had their throats slashed by a mysterious intruder. One died immediately and the other witnessed the whole thing. When the killer realized she was on the upper bunk, he slashed her throat too. She assumed everyone in the house was dead so she ran a quarter mile to the nearest house and banged on the door. She couldn't speak because her vocal chords were slashed. She lived and ended up testifying against Sells, putting him on death row. Turns out he was a serial killer who murderered others, including other children. When I realized Sells was housed with Bart, I wrote to him asking what he was like.] I know him quite well. I actually referred to him (unnamed), when I mentioned I had gone outside with a guy who murdered children. There is a lot more to that story than has ever made it to the news, of course. I would never even think about condoning what he did, or how he lived his life, but there is a lot of the story of his childhood that was ignored, and these years pretty much explain exactly what happened later on. They usually do. In Tommy's case, he has actually tried to discuss what happened, but nobody wanted to listen. In other cases, including my own, people have simply decided that it doesn't bear mentioning. I think anyone who read my psych profile knows something happened. We all have to make peace with the past in our own ways, and I've chosen mine. He's not a horrible guy, sometimes. He would never rat you out, for one. That means something, in my world. He's devoted to his wife, which should indicate something, as well. She's the first person who ever loved him, and this experience has been transformative. He is also mentally retarded, with an IQ hovering around 65, so they may never end up killing him, though they are doing their damnedest to try. If you do end up writing him , please make sure that you keep our correspondence between us. I would rather he not know. Then again, he may not even write you back. Like I said, he's devoted to his wife, and I get the picture that she does not approve of him having pen-pals. To answer your question of why people seem to kill just to kill, the answer is: they don't. It is an important point to note. There is ALWAYS a reason for the things we do. You may not get it. you may not even know about it. It may not make sense to anyone but the person committing the act. But it is always there. There is this fantasy that the movies and tv likes to run with, that there are certain people "born to kill," who have zero consciences, etc. This is a myth. It is simply easier to sell this, than to get into the ocmplicated world of psychology, or to actually research an individual. Everyone here is a murderer, minus those who are factually innocent. You know how many truly conscience-less individuals I have met? None. I suppose that I do have some feelings of repulsion towards people like him, just like everyone else. I do my best to suppress this, because they are just another hairless ape, doing what they can with a badly damaged computer. Mostly, I pay attention to the, because they are also fascinating. In their own broken ways.

Hey, congrats on getting your money from the deadbeat! Too bad you can't put a brick through his Jag's window. Guess that would be "wrong". Pfft. Ethics.

What happened with these clients that you are possibly losing? I am sorry to hear that, and I wish I could do something to help. What are you planning to do about this? You can't get a refund on the ticket to Japan? I am sure that you have looked at all of your options, but surely there is a market somewhere other than NYC where real estate is selling? I know the thought of having to move somewhere that is not NYC is probably revolting to you, but I don't think the market is nearly as bad here in Texas. There must be other hot-spots.

I hope that you do have a good time in Japan, though. I've never been there. I had a friend who went to Tokyo once for a semester of study, and she really liked it, though she was constantly lost. Take me a few photos!

In reference to Lindsay's comment that you mentioned [Ed.: On his blog, a friend of his named Lindsay left a note saying that she knew if they decided to kill him on Death Row that he'd commit suicide before they could] I think it is best that I don't really get too far into that in these letters. My life sucks enough, without having them put a watch on me for that. What she wrote was extremely accurage, however. I would look upon such a thing as a protection of dignity, but I am waiting until the court process runs its course. I look at this in the same way as I would if I had a terminal disease: once the docs give me their final prognosis, then I believe that I have the right to determine how to the end of things comes about. All sentient creatures have this right, and if a prolonged death seems offensive to one's dignity, then there are clear and decisive options. I think the whole death-chamber spectacle is a tawdry affair, and serves only to act as a mirror by which we all see our inherent nastiness. I think I will take a pass on the drama, thank you.

Haha, that Santa Card was a little creepy. He looks like a pedophile sitting on a bench in Central Park, trying to get some kid to take a chocolate from his conveniently placed box. I tend to find most Xmas cards baffling. I have oft wonderered why we don't have any Yahweh-themed holiday cards. You know, loving, uplifting scenes of the Jews committing atrocious acts of barbarism to a degree that any modern ethnic cleanswer would raise a brow, or maybe a family huddling down in their mud shangy as an immense wall of water comes crashing upon them. Ha ha, I'm going to have someone draw those up. You want to market my atheist cards for next year? Might be kind of fun. "Thank god there's no god." Too easy.

You asked a few questions about my present attorney. He is a guy out of Austin, and he is court-appointed. He's not exactly a brilliant lawyer, but we do have a decent repore. [Ed: Spelling error is his.] He pretty much told me from the beginning that the State wasn't paying him shit, and if I wanted to do my own legal work, he wouldn't mind it. So when I wrote that "we filed", what I really meant was that I did some work, and he did some work, and what we put together was what he officially turned into the courts. You can probably guess the portions that I wrote. In the motion I just posted, there is a quote from Hamlet, for instance. not something you usually see when an attorney writes the motion. [Ed.: You can read the motion he is referring to on his blog: www.minutesbeforesix.com. I immediately noticed the Hamlet quote when I first read it, not realizing Thomas wrote this portion. I did take note, though, because it is so unusual to see literary quotes in legal motions.]

Haha, Frey's next book is a fictional depiction of Leviticus? That, I will have to read. No, I haven't really noticed how big the atheist moviement is. I am awash in fundamentalists, down here in Texas. There aren't too many of us here on the Row, either. There is a lot of...ah, shall we call it, "studying for the final?" going on around here. People all convinced that on the other side of the needle is a fairy land where there is no misery. Frankly, they are half right, as religious people tend to be: even the rotting ground is a step up from this place. Shrug. I'm indifferent.

Haha, you are a Seinfeld character, totally. I've said this before, if you recall. I laughed over NoteGuy's liberal use of pictionary tactics to carry a conversation. That would annoy me, I must admit. Turns out, I might actually know the correct sign for getting rid of him. :) I supposed we all have our little foibles. This girl I once liked used to cover up her mouth when she smiled or laughed, with her hand or a cup of coffee, or whatever was handy. Always annoyed me, because she had a nice smile. Just so long as he doesn't eat his peas or corn one at a time. :)

I think it si kind of sweet that he kissed you on the forehead, though. It's hard to tell the exact level of sarcasm you meant to infuse the whole 12 year old comment, but I thought it was nice. MOst of us would have tried for more than that, since the gates were pretty well bypassed. Also, it was hard to tell if he did that out of respect for you, or if he was just too meek to do anything else. What do you WANT him to do? I guess this is the balance though which we judge his ations. It usually is, with women.

I was sorry to hear that you didn't receive the Teaching Fellow position. That sounds like an awesome concept. Not sure why you felt down that you dind't get the position -- since you dind't want it to begin with. Or are you just telling yourself that now? Maybe you lack of true desire shone though your writing. Nope: merely a computer error. That's what I get for missing a paragraph. Ha, I'm a retard. So, you shall be the representative of the semicolon...a most incorrectly used grammatical device, if there ever was one. I like the "match.com" analogy, very cute. Ha, I could have used a semicolon there, couldn't I? Maybe I need the class msyelf.

You mentioned seeing the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. Do you like him? I am somewhat ambivalent, I guess. I actually saw what I believe to have been an authentic one make up almost entirely of circles at a house in Mexico. I was just sort of acing as a driver for a guy, and we had to sotp at a place up in the mountains overlooking San Pedro. Serious, serous money. The guy I was driving ended up getting in to a longer discussion than we had lanned , so I roamed the house (maybe not the smartest move). He had some serious selections in the cellar, including more Sine Qua Non, one of which I ended up opening (it was a 97 Imposter McCoy, maybe the best bottle of blended Syrah I have ever tasted). They say crime doesn't pay, which may be true on a long enough time line (what does, on a long enough time line?, but on the short-term, some people manage to live pretty fucking good.

I wasn't aware that they sold absinthe in the states. That is new. I imagine that the type you had was somewhat light on the wormwood, which is what they consider to be toxic in high levels. I had some in Spain, once, in an attempt to honror literary heroes, Hemingway's Robert Jordan, protagonist of "For Whom the Bell Tolls." I didn't care for it much, because, like you, I don't really care for anise. Was fun to prepare, though. Got some great looks.

I had a bit of a rough time lately with some people, and I need to ask something of you, Kelly. I hate doing this, but I am at the point where I don't have much choice. I am asking that everyone I write to be a little more conscious of stamp costs. I have made a habit of not asking for things from the people I write. I know that times are tough. But a couple of bucks every once in a while to help me offset some of these costs are starting to become a necessity. I just don't have the means anymore, with school fees draining me of what little I have. Think about it, please.

Have you read "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire? Someone sent this to me recently, and I have found it to be pretty enjoyable. I had not heard of it, but apparently they have made a musical of the thing. What have you read of late that was decent? Well, I'm off. I hope that this finds you well, and that you have a great holiday season. Have a great time on your trip and be safe.

Until next time.

TBW