Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #15

This one answers my questions about how he feels about his incarceration.

Dear KK---

Scheherazade*, Stephen King, and an unknown but insightful disabled man...let me try to link these together to try to begin to explain how one adapts & adjusts psychologically & day-to-day with a total change in ones life, such as my situation...

Sometime in the late 80s or early 90s, before this, before Africa, I saw a remarkable interview with a man who had been paralyzed in a car accident at the age of 17 (from the waist down). When interviewed he was about 40 y.o. He of course talked about the accident, his initial awful realizations, his rehab, etc. --but most of all [and the focus of the interview] he talked about how he learned and struggled & finally succeeded in remaking his life-more importantly his inner vision of life-into something compatible with his devastating physical injury and permanent disability. He talked about how, since his injury [ about 23 years previously] he had met many many men & women & teens who were in the same condition, or worse. And those who had succeeded in rebuilding their life view to take into account their condition were far, far happier, and engaged in lie to a much greater degree. I recall that he quoted Dylan Thomas's famous lines about "Not Going Gently Into That Good Night...Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light."

He said that was fine for a life or death struggle--but when you rage & bitch about a wheelchair, no matter how long, at some point you realize you're still in the chair, you're not dead, and you'd "best just get on with it." And that's what he did.

He said that he met many people his own age---who had also been paralyzed as teens--and again, those how had been able to accept their situation and build on it, rather than curse fate & God & humanity & bad luck for 20+ years, were much happier & more productive --employment, family, health, in general.

Ok-put that aside for just a moment. You & I have both mentioned [independently, I find that fascinating...] the tragic suicide of the son of Sylvia Plath-and the pathos & brutal irony that that engenders. Not sure if you saw or heard word of the death by suicide of another major female poet on 10 APRIL: "Deborah Digges"- who jumped to her death at a stadium at U-MASS in Amhearst, MASS. Age 59.

I remember reading her first collection: Vesper Sparrows/in the mid-1980s. Sort of lost track of her after that, but would hear her name on occasion in literary reviews, etc.

I mentioned this because the choice so many [far too many] men & women make between life & death is not so different (of course it is in degree) than the choice one makes when faced with a life-changing illness or injury/or sudden loss of a lifetime job or/partner/or incarceration.

Look at the recent spate of multiple murders/suicides in families by men who have lost all hope after being hit hard by the current recession: 4 dead Maryland/5 dead in California. These men were not paralyzed or incarcerated; yet, that was the choice they made...

In his late 90s novel, Bag of Bones, Stephen King wrote about a man who had just lost his wife-and who was of course devastated, depressed, and ultimately contemplates suicide. What stops him is what Stephen King calls "What comes next?" It's impossible to recount his brilliant analysis in full, but it simply boils down to this: A man or woman usually won't end their life if they become interested or curious in "What happens next?" Whether it's the next chapter of a book, the next episode of "LOST", will Erica come out of her coma on "General Hospital"?...will it be Obama or Hillary? Will it be Obama or McCain? OK--how will those first hundred days turn out? Will GM go into bankruptcy? Will the Cubs finally win a World Series? My dog is pregnant-will her puppies be OK? ...a friend is getting married--what will the wedding be like? Should I go or kill myself?

All this sounds incredibly self-evident to you or I or millions of other people - because everyday we wake up with all the above and more-much more-on our minds...percolating, simmering...we wonder & look ahead because that's what people do. Of course self evident.

But in the days or hours or minutes before that final irrevocable act, whether caused by chemical depression, intense grief, economic helplessness, the loss or breakup of a man or woman--the suicidal individual DOES NOT ask himself/herself "What comes next?" Because in their mind, nothing comes next...nothing...


In the Arabian Nights, the lovely Scheherazade is sentence to die at dawn. To survive she tells a story...and at dawn the King essentially asks "What Comes Next?" So the execution is put off; and the next night she does the same-for 1001 nights-until finally she is pardoned.

Not suicide-but the point is the same. Death forestalled by "What Comes Next?"

The whole purpose of the class of anti-depression drugs known as the "Serotonin Uptake Inhibitors" is to increase serotonin in the brain and get the depressed person interested in something/anything - so long as they again begin to ask: "What Comes Next?"

It's now Wednesday. It takes longer to write a letter like this one than many of my previous ones! But I have no problem discussing such intense or difficult subjects. You are one of the few people I know who seems genuinely interested & engaged in virtually all things.

So-this is just a beginning to the answers to the questions you have asked about my incarceration. How I have been able to adjust my life view and remain intensely & vibrantly engaged in all things is clearly a whole other letter or letters. I will tell you it partly involves Marcus Aurelius, Stoicism, and the concept and actuality of building a "memory palace" in one's mind. Lots to talk about, and I promise to get it all, and anything else you wish to delve into--briefly or in detail, even intimate detail, although you seem a bit averse & skittish....

But must get this in the mail. Still want to comment a bit on your "Angelina Jolie of India" article AND the one about shopping for jeans (very funny!) - and a few other things from your last letter.

In the meantime-ran across these items I thought you might find of interest.

>Very favorable review of the beginning of Season II of "IN TREATMENT". Since I can't see this, you'll have to keep me updated.
:-) Thanks!

>Local review of "THE INFORMERS". None have been very favorable that I have seen or heard.

>A friend in the financial world sent me this column on another "B. Madoff." it's from the "N.Y. Times" (March), so you may well have seen/read it.

Take care, KK. Will try to write more (as above) tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed what I understand was some outstanding NYC weather the last couple of days. Be well and write soon.

Yours,

Michael



*One of the most mysterious & beautiful names...you recall our earlier conversation... I mentioned Edna St. Vincent Millay; which would be even more lovely as Charlotte or Skyler or Elisha.