Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #21

Dear KK---

Before continuing (and completing, I hope!)with your letter--brief comments on two televisions shows:

>"LOST": When this season ends on Wed 13 May, we'll have to put our heads together and try to future it all out. That would be a very caffeinated weekend! But I wanted to mention one of the truly excellent episodes from last season: THE CONSTANT. I happened to see it over the weekend again. You will recall that it is the story of Desmond--trapped in two time periods simultaneously. As a disgraced former soldier in 1996--and on the Widmore freighter in 04. We all know what happens when "time shift illness" goes unchecked: bleeding, coma, death. So possibly the most fascinating of all the "new" characters, Faraday, tells him that you must find an anchor, a constant in both time periods, or you will die like Eloise the mouse. And so he does: Penelope (Penny) Widmore...Somehow, KK, I can see millions of viewers privately asking themselves "What would my constant be?" Do I even have a constant?

And one more thought: J.J. Abrams has to "publish" the entire journal of Faraday. I have to believe the key to the whole series and many explanations are contained in that journal.

>"BREAKING BAD": If anything, Season II has been even better than Season I. The two "meth partners" are so richly drawn: The chemistry teacher Walter with terminal cancer who s-l-o-w-l-y get drawn deeper & deeper into his criminal enterprise/and Jesse--the archetypal low-life criminal who finds himself way over his head. He can act the touch guy, but he's just not a cold-blooded criminal.

You want stone-cold psycho--meet the ruthless drug dealer, "TUCO" they do business with in the last few episodes of Season I.

Plus the show has the hallmark of all good series or films: strong supporting actors, especially Walter's very pregnant wife.

***

Paul Janka definitely sounds like a very strange person. Dr. Phil and MTV-that sounds about right! Just out of curiosity, I will have to catch him on MTV if he ends up there just to see what all the fuss is about! "The worst man in the world"-that is a tough title to hold onto. The whole thing would make an interesting chapter in your future memoir.

Now to the more serious subject about which you are "very curious." Again, I would be too, and none of your questions upset me or bother me. The most important thing for me is that I'm not that person anymore. The singular experience of being here and the passage of time has made that happen. There was no overnight transformation or any "come to Jesus" moment. Such a change is, by definition, gradual & incremental.

There are quite a few clinical definitions of "sociopath," but we're both familiar with the gist. There is no question that "back in the day"* I had some of those traits. Actually, part of the rather complicated story are some conversations concerning then and now...

*Sorry, an O.G. expression one picks up!

Can't really say anymore. However, to answer some of your questions insofar as possible:

>As I said, I did have some of those traits, but there was also much that wasn't a part of my self or personality. Most of my medicine was actually very good-lives were saved. Never have I gotten any pleasure from anyone's pain or suffering. As mentioned before, I have a deep & gut-level revulsion to torture or mistreatment of anyone at anytime. A contradiction in light of some actions "back in the day"? To be sure. But again, I no longer have those traits that caused me to end up here. And believe me, I'm not just saying that.

>Conscience is a tricky concept. While it clearly has some "gaps" "back in the day", it now feels and seems to be complete and "normal", if there is such a thing.

I hope the above explains my ill-chosen comment about the "bad heart". Clearly not an actual heart problem, but what I talk about above.

Trying to "answer the questions posed..." First (and only) spouse was a nurse (big surprise there...) with children from a previous marriage, when very young. She and I were great before, but much like you said, living together proved to be another matter.

I should add that her look (you asked about my type) was totally different than Kristin or anyone else. And some part of the relationship were totally fulfilling and all-consuming.

I would like to say more--regarding more, intimate contact, but I will wait until we are a bit more comfortable talking & sharing.

Also on that other subject--your questions: 1) Yes 2) I do know what they look like 3) Can't discuss. [Ed.: He is referring to his children in Africa, I believe.]

On a related topic from a previous letter: Where is that woman that you mentioned? Sounds like she is not in a "good place" ---either in actuality or psychologically. Let me know if there is anything I can say to help her or raise her spirits. [Ed.: I'm not sure who he is referring to.]

Regarding conditions: suffice to say that there are as many degrees of incarceration as there are degrees of freedom...Before he went to the MCC, Bernie Madoff lived in that luxury apartment... there are hundreds living in tent cities near Sacramento...you get the idea...

Since I have a few more minutes--a couple of times I neglected to mention from previous letters:

>"Angelina Jolie of India"--loved the photos. Totally reminded me of African villages & cities. The serious & good part of your article is that at least you know how billions [yes, billions with a "b"] of people--the majority of them under 18--live every day. Most Americans have no idea. None.

Believe me, KK, that fact alone makes you and I closer than you can imagine. I only hope you'll let that grow and flourish.

>On a totally different subject, but strangely segued from the horrendously filthy Indian "restroom"...Your old blog entry on buying jeans at Barneys...OH MY GOD, KK! So well-written, I'll bet your every person who read it felt they had to "go" after finishing the story. I think it is the stark contrast between the luxury & extravagance of the store & the people --all so lovely and proper & non-excretory & smelling so good of the holidays...versus the brutal urgency of the functions of the human body...and as you call it, the ultimate act of necessity & defilement--right there at Barney's! Very funny, but also most instructive.

Two more comments:

1) It's comforting to know that civilization has not progressed when it comes to finding a pair of jeans that fit!

2) Curious if any of your female readers responded with any similar stories of their own?!

[I read somewhere that the new Yankee stadium has the so-called "parity" in restrooms for women with men.]

I could actually go on--so much to talk about with you, and so much I hope we can talk about one day. But I will stop for the week and wait for your next letter or letters. [I hope :-)]

Let me wish you a very happy & safe birthday, KK. You are clearly a very intelligent and very sensual 39, with many amazing years ahead of you. Will be thinking of you...and at your stroke of midnight on Friday the 15th when it becomes the 16th : 2200 hrs my time!

Take care & write soon, KK

Yours,

Michael

P.S. Enjoy Carnage>I read some great blurbs from review.

P.P.S. Please tell me what music moves you or touches you. I barely scratched the surface and will say more.