Kelly,
I love how the first sentences of the Puzzle blog says that "Art makes Tim Kelly's heart palpiatate, " and you happen to be one of the best puzzle pieces...put on Japanese TV, asked to do another one...you've definitely earned brownie points and he's not married YET.
Tonight is your big night at the movie premiere. I'm wondering if Amir has stuck to the status of you two officially not dating or have you two made up for the sake of the night or are you boycottiing the event?
Yiour last letter and blog entries so completely remind me of being 15 and very depressed, full of teenage angst, and hopelessly in love with someone who would slow down long enbough for me to touch, fuck and run away, just far enough so I could see, hear, smell him, but only touch the careless laughter hanging in the air. One shitty thig about being depressed and in solitary is that I don't have the luxury of an object of attention, passion or even lust. I am alone and all I have is my hate as anb emotional companion. Even it leaves me alone so that I become numb and left with no feelings at all. Your cut out lines, puzzle expression--I bet it was beautiful and eeire at the same time. Collage made with deep emotion always are.
Whenever did you invite the third entity? That is so perfect? I often think back and year for Kim or David or even Rick when I am lonely and I think, why the fuck would I long for rick after what he's done? I realize that what I long for so deeply is the third entity, that chemical reaction or soul reaction that is more beautiful than the finest art, more alive than a 6-month old baby, more magical than Disney World. It is everything you need and more than you could want and I wonder if I can ever get that back again. That world is ending for you and Amir and evenI feel the loss of it halfway across the US.
The Die! about your building lock was great. I wonder if you'd put that on the HANDS site. PERFECT!
As I sit at my little shelf and stool I'm listening to world news and wishing myself somewhere across the world, living a parallel life and wonder if I focus on the vibrations of my energy if I can leap my conscience from this life to a parallel one. If we are not our bodies then it should technically be possible. Perhaps I should look into astral projection. I would certainly become a legendary escape artist if I could do it...they'd find my body in a ocma with my conscience inside another bady, basing in the sun on the terrace of an Italian villa.
Has there been any flirtation with Bruno? If he did show interest would you reciprocate despite his connection to Amir? Do you have any hope for you and Amir? Did you make your new puzzle piece? Not sure how long this will take to get to you but I hope you have a VERY HAPPY 41st BIRTHDAY!
Sarah
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #62
Kelly,
Wow, wow and wow in the life of Kelly KXXXX! I am happy that work opportunities and cash has pickd up, even if it is overwhelming, it must be better than worrying about how you will pay your bills. Plus, two other benefits: you have the opportunity to meet new people within your business interests, successful people, and you have so much on your TO DO list that you are a) distracted from yoru state-of-the-relationship stress and b) are less affected by Amir's long hours leading up to them movie premiere.
I think it's cool that Amir was on CNN talking to Eliott Spitzer about Donald Trump. New York is an interesting place. You will have a good time at the movie premiere and make good memories. Both you and Amir have to maintain a frenetic pace at work for a little while, which I think will be a good time for both of you to reboot, and give you time to really miss one another. I think that once, and life slows down a bit for Amir, he will more deeply feel the emptiness lingering where you once were. But it wont' be a game changer. Get your Amir fix when you can and buckle in for a long ride.
Tell Reidtard to please stick to Scrabble because he'll never score enough points playing you with his lame con ons and shabby charm to win the Kelly prize.
Doesn't he still live w/his girlfriend? Okay---your intuitive powers to Google John are scary good.
Even a better mystery: Who left the note - message- link to John's article? Clearly it is someone with whom John must work. or date. But likely an associate of some sort of company. Did you leave a reply note of confirmation? Good idea to alert the legal body. Why can't you confirm whether his name changes in legal or assumed illegally? Don't people have to give public notice of a name change? Maybe that's just an Indiana requirement. With John going to Haiti for company business, he would have buy the ticket in the name of his ID, right? And be paid payroll checks in his legal name. And pay incomne taxes and file a federal 1040 in his legal name. He's weasel. If he was worry for what he did to you, I would be sympathetic to him not wanting that stigma attached to his career life, especially if he were really being an agent of charge in world. But he's not sorry and that makes him a weasel. I think it would befit the situation for a made up person to call him by his actual last name, although in a non-chalent manner. If he's actively avoiding his sociopathic persona, the fact that people have found him out to be the weasel he is might put little fear in his heart. Let him worry about what may or may not be breeding... I have a real distate for men who sexually abuse women. You don't deserve this. If at some time you supsect that his boss does not actually know the full story, maybe a copy of article in her mail box would be appropriate. I DON'T KNOW...To call him a weasel insults weasels.
You mentioned that you never experience mania only depression. Are you chronically depressed? I listen to the NPR Sound Medicine and other interviews with scientists on the hung for cures and better treatment for all that ails us. This time I promise I heart it--I took notes. A few days ago, I heard an interview...son of a bitch. I started taking notes but now can't find them, I have notes on the effects of chronic sitting, reviewed books, activists, and can't find this one. Fuck it! The experiment had to do with Ketamine, the stuff the use tranquilize cats and horses. AKA Special K (Note: I am not sure what the difference is in Ketamine and PCP---which is also as an anesthestic in veterinary medicine. Both are used illegally.)
Basically, Ketamine has been found to alleviate chronic depression in patients who responded to no other drug or treatment. People who had not felt psychologically (or physically) well in years felt markedly better almost immediately.
I think this was an interview with Teri Gross on the show FRESH AIR. It was wirthin the past week on NPR. The interview was not about depression, it was with an an anesthesiologist. He was talking about how when you go into surgery, you don't get put to sleep, you actually get put in a reverse coma.
He talked about how brain relays work and how some anesthesic work on shutting down one area that essentially shuts down the others by its own silence (in some drugs). Anyway, some drugs are used in combination and ketamine is one of them. It seems counterintuitive because Ketamine is actually a stimulant. In small doses, it acts as a stimulant and i tis at this dose that chronic depression sufferers experienced relief. In much higher dosages it causes hallucinations and euphoria (which is why people use it illegally) and in even higher dosages, causes a coma. But the level used to alleviate chronic depression was referred to as "a tiny dose".
Since it is already approved in certain uses, it may be available to you as an option. I am almsot positive that it was FRESH AIR if you want to check it out. With all of your creativity and ability to make things happen, if you were relieved of the heavy blanket of depression, imagine it--your powers would be immeasurable. And perhaps if your moods were more stable, you could scare a REAL engagement ring. No mug joke.
Do you take medicine now? If so, what?
What the fuck are you going to do if you run into John? How is it that in a city---NEW YORK CITY--that big, you two are magnetized? Maybe the Universe is keeping you close so that when he does do another act of attempted murder, you'll know--and everyone else will know--hwere to find him or maybe your sleuth skills are somehow saving someone else's life...because he knows he can't hide from the almighty KK.
How did your coffee date go with Tim Kelly? I secretly want you to fall madly in love with each other (now that his wife left him for a woman lover!) and become semi-famous artists- you doing PR and managing exhibitiions and sales/auctions/galleries and contributing your own creative skilils when you please. You and Amir become honestly content being best friends and you live happily ever after as Kelly Kelly.
Why on earth would a man who has heated m arble floors cut his own hair before appearing on national television? Really, Amir? If his barbering is in anyway reflected by his gift-wrapping skills, only my appearancefrom the bowels of hell onto AMW could be worse... Okay, Okay. It could never be that bad!
Still, I'll never forget that your Scrabble dictionary was described as being wrapped by a handless elf.
Sorry about the paper; I'm recycling. Makes me feel better about eating meat.
I want you to tell me about your experience with the PunchDrunk theater performance. It sounds genius. I'm not into violence, but the rest...YES! In November, while I was out, my lover and i went to a swinger's club house for the first time. Had great fun. Anbd the carnival mask requirement is brilliant- to alllow the audience to watch with less self-consciousness or shame.
I look forward to seeing your 41st birthday puzzle piece and your AK+KK hand art. You two should get married. You will marry a man whose last name begins with K. The Universe would not have brought you the KK necklace with a fate of having to change your initials. NOPE.
Have you heard of ADELE? An amazing, powerful foice. "Rolling in the Deep" one of the lines talks about having despair and "making a home DOWN THERE". Reminded me of you so I listed and jotted down the chorus.
Take care,
Sarah
Wow, wow and wow in the life of Kelly KXXXX! I am happy that work opportunities and cash has pickd up, even if it is overwhelming, it must be better than worrying about how you will pay your bills. Plus, two other benefits: you have the opportunity to meet new people within your business interests, successful people, and you have so much on your TO DO list that you are a) distracted from yoru state-of-the-relationship stress and b) are less affected by Amir's long hours leading up to them movie premiere.
I think it's cool that Amir was on CNN talking to Eliott Spitzer about Donald Trump. New York is an interesting place. You will have a good time at the movie premiere and make good memories. Both you and Amir have to maintain a frenetic pace at work for a little while, which I think will be a good time for both of you to reboot, and give you time to really miss one another. I think that once, and life slows down a bit for Amir, he will more deeply feel the emptiness lingering where you once were. But it wont' be a game changer. Get your Amir fix when you can and buckle in for a long ride.
Tell Reidtard to please stick to Scrabble because he'll never score enough points playing you with his lame con ons and shabby charm to win the Kelly prize.
Doesn't he still live w/his girlfriend? Okay---your intuitive powers to Google John are scary good.
Even a better mystery: Who left the note - message- link to John's article? Clearly it is someone with whom John must work. or date. But likely an associate of some sort of company. Did you leave a reply note of confirmation? Good idea to alert the legal body. Why can't you confirm whether his name changes in legal or assumed illegally? Don't people have to give public notice of a name change? Maybe that's just an Indiana requirement. With John going to Haiti for company business, he would have buy the ticket in the name of his ID, right? And be paid payroll checks in his legal name. And pay incomne taxes and file a federal 1040 in his legal name. He's weasel. If he was worry for what he did to you, I would be sympathetic to him not wanting that stigma attached to his career life, especially if he were really being an agent of charge in world. But he's not sorry and that makes him a weasel. I think it would befit the situation for a made up person to call him by his actual last name, although in a non-chalent manner. If he's actively avoiding his sociopathic persona, the fact that people have found him out to be the weasel he is might put little fear in his heart. Let him worry about what may or may not be breeding... I have a real distate for men who sexually abuse women. You don't deserve this. If at some time you supsect that his boss does not actually know the full story, maybe a copy of article in her mail box would be appropriate. I DON'T KNOW...To call him a weasel insults weasels.
You mentioned that you never experience mania only depression. Are you chronically depressed? I listen to the NPR Sound Medicine and other interviews with scientists on the hung for cures and better treatment for all that ails us. This time I promise I heart it--I took notes. A few days ago, I heard an interview...son of a bitch. I started taking notes but now can't find them, I have notes on the effects of chronic sitting, reviewed books, activists, and can't find this one. Fuck it! The experiment had to do with Ketamine, the stuff the use tranquilize cats and horses. AKA Special K (Note: I am not sure what the difference is in Ketamine and PCP---which is also as an anesthestic in veterinary medicine. Both are used illegally.)
Basically, Ketamine has been found to alleviate chronic depression in patients who responded to no other drug or treatment. People who had not felt psychologically (or physically) well in years felt markedly better almost immediately.
I think this was an interview with Teri Gross on the show FRESH AIR. It was wirthin the past week on NPR. The interview was not about depression, it was with an an anesthesiologist. He was talking about how when you go into surgery, you don't get put to sleep, you actually get put in a reverse coma.
He talked about how brain relays work and how some anesthesic work on shutting down one area that essentially shuts down the others by its own silence (in some drugs). Anyway, some drugs are used in combination and ketamine is one of them. It seems counterintuitive because Ketamine is actually a stimulant. In small doses, it acts as a stimulant and i tis at this dose that chronic depression sufferers experienced relief. In much higher dosages it causes hallucinations and euphoria (which is why people use it illegally) and in even higher dosages, causes a coma. But the level used to alleviate chronic depression was referred to as "a tiny dose".
Since it is already approved in certain uses, it may be available to you as an option. I am almsot positive that it was FRESH AIR if you want to check it out. With all of your creativity and ability to make things happen, if you were relieved of the heavy blanket of depression, imagine it--your powers would be immeasurable. And perhaps if your moods were more stable, you could scare a REAL engagement ring. No mug joke.
Do you take medicine now? If so, what?
What the fuck are you going to do if you run into John? How is it that in a city---NEW YORK CITY--that big, you two are magnetized? Maybe the Universe is keeping you close so that when he does do another act of attempted murder, you'll know--and everyone else will know--hwere to find him or maybe your sleuth skills are somehow saving someone else's life...because he knows he can't hide from the almighty KK.
How did your coffee date go with Tim Kelly? I secretly want you to fall madly in love with each other (now that his wife left him for a woman lover!) and become semi-famous artists- you doing PR and managing exhibitiions and sales/auctions/galleries and contributing your own creative skilils when you please. You and Amir become honestly content being best friends and you live happily ever after as Kelly Kelly.
Why on earth would a man who has heated m arble floors cut his own hair before appearing on national television? Really, Amir? If his barbering is in anyway reflected by his gift-wrapping skills, only my appearancefrom the bowels of hell onto AMW could be worse... Okay, Okay. It could never be that bad!
Still, I'll never forget that your Scrabble dictionary was described as being wrapped by a handless elf.
Sorry about the paper; I'm recycling. Makes me feel better about eating meat.
I want you to tell me about your experience with the PunchDrunk theater performance. It sounds genius. I'm not into violence, but the rest...YES! In November, while I was out, my lover and i went to a swinger's club house for the first time. Had great fun. Anbd the carnival mask requirement is brilliant- to alllow the audience to watch with less self-consciousness or shame.
I look forward to seeing your 41st birthday puzzle piece and your AK+KK hand art. You two should get married. You will marry a man whose last name begins with K. The Universe would not have brought you the KK necklace with a fate of having to change your initials. NOPE.
Have you heard of ADELE? An amazing, powerful foice. "Rolling in the Deep" one of the lines talks about having despair and "making a home DOWN THERE". Reminded me of you so I listed and jotted down the chorus.
Take care,
Sarah
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #120
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! Late April, which means heavy, wet snow, lots of it--in the Colorado mountains to the west and south. Like happy hour it is always winter somewhere....
Returning immediately to your letter(s):
I think we left off with: have you heard anything about the super-twisty thriller DOUBLE HOUR? It still blows my mind about the letters/and and OMG! the cast of GLEE will be covering Rebecca Black's "Friday"...talk about an internet sensation and fifteen minutes of fame!
Request: IN ADDITION to anything you see on David Foster Wallace's THE PALE KING could you also send anything that discusses or analyzes THE KILLING. Everything about that show is brilliant. I could easily talk about it for 30 minutes but much more to get to. Actually, one thing to ask you: Before it started ou thought it would be a GREAT show (agreed) and that you hoped it would be Lynchian. I doubt if I've seen as much David Lynch as you have [Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks] but even though it does not seem Lynchian. I think they've found a different sort of excellence. Your thoughts?
Just heard the opening bass guitar riff to Duffy's Mercy -- being used in a commercial. One of my favorite songs from the last 3-4 years...the video is outstanding as well.
Quick hits from your small print letter:
>Sorry the Tyson show was so boring. When I heard about it I immediately thought of you bcause I know you like Iron Mike AND pigeons!
>Do not complain, bitch or moan about your "Client List". Was it only eighteen months or so ago that you were looking at boxes to live inm on the street? I am so glad you are so busy and so wanted.
> Not so ironic or unusual that i mentioned Louis CK's return [Yay!} in June. You, my dea, lead an extremely busy and(as you told me) occasionally harried life. Honestly? I'm amazed that you are as "up" on and involved with as many thing as you are. Thank God for the internet, FB, BBerry that keeps you in touch and aware 24/7.
> Twelve Days of Amir--I love Ak+KK. Does this guy realize how adored he must be? You two certainly have a lot of those unique couple stories that make a relationship. Then I got your letter with Amir's email...more in a bit.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
>Good question: I cannot save letters for very long for the reasons you correctly stated. However, you are able to save mine and yours since almost all of your letters are on your computer. Quite an interesting record, n'est-ce pas?
***
Let me talk about your most recent letter, just received. Regarding the endless angst and Stum and Drang* of your tempestuous relationship with Amir...
What a brilliantly and intelligently written email...romantic, loving, and utterly, absolutely perplexing. I totally believe tht he loves his KK, but for some reason cannot embrace it. He seems to see such a loving "permanent for now' relationship as an ending and not as a begining as it is.
[Personal note: Hard as it may be to believe, I was once in a somewhat similar situation with the genders reversed...I gelt as you do---hopelessly, madly and obessively. She did as well, but had some strange paradoxes of Amir's way of thinking.
I, of course, did not stop or give up but as a man in the pre-internet age it was probably easier than it is for a women--even today.
Yes--she became my "one and only" finally. However it was hell on wheels for a while...
BUT [always the but} Kelly I did not know his friend were poisoning the well against you. Especially female friends/colleagues. This time I agree with your use of the C-word for Lauren---Who the eff is she?????
This I know: A guy's male friends will rarely say anything negative about his girlfriend--not their business except to support him. And if they do he probably won't listen and will resent it.
Same--more or less--with a woman's female friends. KK loves him--tell us all about it. Unless he's beating her or sleeping around....again--supportive with her.
It is a man's female friends or work colleague who can have far more inlfuence on them regarding his lover, girlfriend or fiance.
OMG Kelly--how do you NOT (as Seinfeld would put it-ambush the bitch with a sackful of pennies! I think a woman like Lauren can be even more insidious than a man in a similar position. Especially when a man is a successful, intelligent, yes---very good looking, man with what sounds like an amazing career and limitless future--LIKE AMIR.
What she said is terrible--"bad for his magazine's rep" "loose cannon". Again---I ask the question:
WHO THE EFF IS SHE???
I've never met these people and I'm furious.
Again, unless a girlfriend/boyfriend/lover is physically abusive, sleeping aroundor something destructive--it is no one's business.
Your final question: What can I do to get him back?
ANSWER: You haven't lost him yet. Fight like hell. I would expect nothing less.
Must ask one more question, which might help to understand Amir's "Bartleby the Scriveners" - like reluctance and incertaintly.
Question: Has Amir ever had anything really bad happen to him? Suicide of a loved one- a cherished one...a near-fatal car or motorcycle accident...serious illness...death of someone young, close to him...something that makes you aware in a brilliant blinding flahs that all this we take for granted can be gone in an instant--tomorrow...even today?
Thank you. I really want to know.
[BTW, In the ABC fam show "Make it or Break it" the QUEEN BITCH is named Lauren.]
You hang in there and stay safe. Thinking of you, sunshine.
Hi sunshine! Late April, which means heavy, wet snow, lots of it--in the Colorado mountains to the west and south. Like happy hour it is always winter somewhere....
Returning immediately to your letter(s):
I think we left off with: have you heard anything about the super-twisty thriller DOUBLE HOUR? It still blows my mind about the letters/and and OMG! the cast of GLEE will be covering Rebecca Black's "Friday"...talk about an internet sensation and fifteen minutes of fame!
Request: IN ADDITION to anything you see on David Foster Wallace's THE PALE KING could you also send anything that discusses or analyzes THE KILLING. Everything about that show is brilliant. I could easily talk about it for 30 minutes but much more to get to. Actually, one thing to ask you: Before it started ou thought it would be a GREAT show (agreed) and that you hoped it would be Lynchian. I doubt if I've seen as much David Lynch as you have [Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks] but even though it does not seem Lynchian. I think they've found a different sort of excellence. Your thoughts?
Just heard the opening bass guitar riff to Duffy's Mercy -- being used in a commercial. One of my favorite songs from the last 3-4 years...the video is outstanding as well.
Quick hits from your small print letter:
>Sorry the Tyson show was so boring. When I heard about it I immediately thought of you bcause I know you like Iron Mike AND pigeons!
>Do not complain, bitch or moan about your "Client List". Was it only eighteen months or so ago that you were looking at boxes to live inm on the street? I am so glad you are so busy and so wanted.
> Not so ironic or unusual that i mentioned Louis CK's return [Yay!} in June. You, my dea, lead an extremely busy and(as you told me) occasionally harried life. Honestly? I'm amazed that you are as "up" on and involved with as many thing as you are. Thank God for the internet, FB, BBerry that keeps you in touch and aware 24/7.
> Twelve Days of Amir--I love Ak+KK. Does this guy realize how adored he must be? You two certainly have a lot of those unique couple stories that make a relationship. Then I got your letter with Amir's email...more in a bit.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
>Good question: I cannot save letters for very long for the reasons you correctly stated. However, you are able to save mine and yours since almost all of your letters are on your computer. Quite an interesting record, n'est-ce pas?
***
Let me talk about your most recent letter, just received. Regarding the endless angst and Stum and Drang* of your tempestuous relationship with Amir...
What a brilliantly and intelligently written email...romantic, loving, and utterly, absolutely perplexing. I totally believe tht he loves his KK, but for some reason cannot embrace it. He seems to see such a loving "permanent for now' relationship as an ending and not as a begining as it is.
[Personal note: Hard as it may be to believe, I was once in a somewhat similar situation with the genders reversed...I gelt as you do---hopelessly, madly and obessively. She did as well, but had some strange paradoxes of Amir's way of thinking.
I, of course, did not stop or give up but as a man in the pre-internet age it was probably easier than it is for a women--even today.
Yes--she became my "one and only" finally. However it was hell on wheels for a while...
BUT [always the but} Kelly I did not know his friend were poisoning the well against you. Especially female friends/colleagues. This time I agree with your use of the C-word for Lauren---Who the eff is she?????
This I know: A guy's male friends will rarely say anything negative about his girlfriend--not their business except to support him. And if they do he probably won't listen and will resent it.
Same--more or less--with a woman's female friends. KK loves him--tell us all about it. Unless he's beating her or sleeping around....again--supportive with her.
It is a man's female friends or work colleague who can have far more inlfuence on them regarding his lover, girlfriend or fiance.
OMG Kelly--how do you NOT (as Seinfeld would put it-ambush the bitch with a sackful of pennies! I think a woman like Lauren can be even more insidious than a man in a similar position. Especially when a man is a successful, intelligent, yes---very good looking, man with what sounds like an amazing career and limitless future--LIKE AMIR.
What she said is terrible--"bad for his magazine's rep" "loose cannon". Again---I ask the question:
WHO THE EFF IS SHE???
I've never met these people and I'm furious.
Again, unless a girlfriend/boyfriend/lover is physically abusive, sleeping aroundor something destructive--it is no one's business.
Your final question: What can I do to get him back?
ANSWER: You haven't lost him yet. Fight like hell. I would expect nothing less.
Must ask one more question, which might help to understand Amir's "Bartleby the Scriveners" - like reluctance and incertaintly.
Question: Has Amir ever had anything really bad happen to him? Suicide of a loved one- a cherished one...a near-fatal car or motorcycle accident...serious illness...death of someone young, close to him...something that makes you aware in a brilliant blinding flahs that all this we take for granted can be gone in an instant--tomorrow...even today?
Thank you. I really want to know.
[BTW, In the ABC fam show "Make it or Break it" the QUEEN BITCH is named Lauren.]
You hang in there and stay safe. Thinking of you, sunshine.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #119
Dear Kelly,
Before proceeding to some of your questions, I must mention the just-released THE PALE KING by David Foster Wallace. Wallace's posthumous novel, set in an IRS office in central Illinois in the 1980s. Even though I have not read his magnum opus Infinite Jest, I know in my gut that I could completely lose myself in his writing.
[Ed.: Omitting some quotes from The Pale King reviews.]
"PALE KING is in some ways an ode to stasis and perserverance, to the human ability to endure all the slings and arrows of monotony and everyday misfortune."
[Kelly: this could certainly describe some days here. Probably even some days in your world!]
[Ed.: Omitting more reviews and his request for me to send him some should I come across them.]
Wow! 100+ items of correspondence?!
You are absolutely accurate in your observation that my "temperment" or "mood" remains steady. I ssure you this is not jus tin the letters. I don't know if I would call it a "defense mechanism" ... perhaps "situational adjustment" might be more precise. Ther is no feigned emotion, certainly no feigned happiness.
Happiness really does not fit!
If you consider the situation, or the unimaginable circumstances that could put you in a similar, though ar less severe situation, you would probably find that you would gravitate toward a "constant mood" as you put it.
Believe me, no offense taken. I actually find your cerebral "Wallace-like" questions really get far more to the core of me and to the core of this en-route to Alpha Centauri situation.
Continuing...personal anger or sadness? Unreserved? Not for some time, if ever here...
You may "wear your moods on your sleeve" but I think that is a function of your own communication modus operandi. : for at least ten years/and I would guess m ore like fifteen/you have been talking to the world instanteously, in real time, with the express purpose of revealing real-time feelings and emotions--the good, the bad and the ugly...and gut-wrenching pain like 911. That's the beauty of BLOGGING; or is that term so yesterday? Seems as though social media/ FaceBook pages are the current wave...
Obviously, the written / typed and mailed letter is a mode of communication so different. Not just last century, but 19th Century.
I will, however, take slight offense, :-) to your comment: "If you were a real-life friend rather than a "behind the bars pen pal" I suppose I would have much less trepidation in trying to broaden our friendship."
OK-not right on so many levels! I live a real life and you lead a real life. Agreed, mine is lived here but still very real, I assue you. Actually, with insatiable curiousity and the power of the memory palace, far more real than you realize.
> It is my hope that at some point you will cease seeing me through the distorted prism of "b.b.p.p" --and just see me as a person. Once you do that, Kelly, I think you'll see many things in a different light. Just as I try hard to see you as much more than a "n.y.c.p.p."
>..."trepidation: Once again, you need to know that there does not need to be any trep. And I will continue to repea that until you know and accept that it is true!
How do you do it? You ask a succinct paragraph of questions, and here I am on p. 6!
You said you were hungry to ask more. Please feel free. However I may do the same.
***
I gave you my first thoughs on "The Killing" Definitely an ongoing conversation. Agaion, that article you sent me perfectly captured the sense of the series.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
You take care and stay safe--the world needs you, Kelly. Thinking of you--talk to you again soon.
Your REAL friend:-) Michael
P.S. I'm puzzled as to woh is selling my letters on the serial killer site. Purchasers (if any) are really getting riped off!!
Before proceeding to some of your questions, I must mention the just-released THE PALE KING by David Foster Wallace. Wallace's posthumous novel, set in an IRS office in central Illinois in the 1980s. Even though I have not read his magnum opus Infinite Jest, I know in my gut that I could completely lose myself in his writing.
[Ed.: Omitting some quotes from The Pale King reviews.]
"PALE KING is in some ways an ode to stasis and perserverance, to the human ability to endure all the slings and arrows of monotony and everyday misfortune."
[Kelly: this could certainly describe some days here. Probably even some days in your world!]
[Ed.: Omitting more reviews and his request for me to send him some should I come across them.]
Wow! 100+ items of correspondence?!
You are absolutely accurate in your observation that my "temperment" or "mood" remains steady. I ssure you this is not jus tin the letters. I don't know if I would call it a "defense mechanism" ... perhaps "situational adjustment" might be more precise. Ther is no feigned emotion, certainly no feigned happiness.
Happiness really does not fit!
If you consider the situation, or the unimaginable circumstances that could put you in a similar, though ar less severe situation, you would probably find that you would gravitate toward a "constant mood" as you put it.
Believe me, no offense taken. I actually find your cerebral "Wallace-like" questions really get far more to the core of me and to the core of this en-route to Alpha Centauri situation.
Continuing...personal anger or sadness? Unreserved? Not for some time, if ever here...
You may "wear your moods on your sleeve" but I think that is a function of your own communication modus operandi. : for at least ten years/and I would guess m ore like fifteen/you have been talking to the world instanteously, in real time, with the express purpose of revealing real-time feelings and emotions--the good, the bad and the ugly...and gut-wrenching pain like 911. That's the beauty of BLOGGING; or is that term so yesterday? Seems as though social media/ FaceBook pages are the current wave...
Obviously, the written / typed and mailed letter is a mode of communication so different. Not just last century, but 19th Century.
I will, however, take slight offense, :-) to your comment: "If you were a real-life friend rather than a "behind the bars pen pal" I suppose I would have much less trepidation in trying to broaden our friendship."
OK-not right on so many levels! I live a real life and you lead a real life. Agreed, mine is lived here but still very real, I assue you. Actually, with insatiable curiousity and the power of the memory palace, far more real than you realize.
> It is my hope that at some point you will cease seeing me through the distorted prism of "b.b.p.p" --and just see me as a person. Once you do that, Kelly, I think you'll see many things in a different light. Just as I try hard to see you as much more than a "n.y.c.p.p."
>..."trepidation: Once again, you need to know that there does not need to be any trep. And I will continue to repea that until you know and accept that it is true!
How do you do it? You ask a succinct paragraph of questions, and here I am on p. 6!
You said you were hungry to ask more. Please feel free. However I may do the same.
***
I gave you my first thoughs on "The Killing" Definitely an ongoing conversation. Agaion, that article you sent me perfectly captured the sense of the series.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
You take care and stay safe--the world needs you, Kelly. Thinking of you--talk to you again soon.
Your REAL friend:-) Michael
P.S. I'm puzzled as to woh is selling my letters on the serial killer site. Purchasers (if any) are really getting riped off!!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #117-118
Dear Kelly,
Much to get to, but not much time today. So let me write what I can now get that in the mail and then write more over the weekend.
OMGKK! Your letter just arrived/mentions the premiere of Amir's new film "Building Stories" on May 11. I am so genuinely excited! That is so cool and so awesome. And you are part of it! Having seen "Wag the Dog" I am of course aware the producer is the heart and soul and brains of any film worth its salt and all hail the exec producer.
And speaking at the premiere--Donald Trump and Pete Hamill! Again--awesome and impressive. Clearly your executive producer has some great connections. You probably know that Trump has been everywhere on TV the pst few weeks, teasing teh media with hints of a run for President. I would not bve at all surprised if there is some element of this in the natiional press at hte premiere since Trump will be in attendance.
In the interim could you sendm e smoe info/bio on architect Costa Kondyllis? Must be an interesting man to attract the attention of Amir and PBS.
So glad ot hear your work has picked up so much. That has to be a major calming influence on your otherwise stress-filled (so-called) life. Wasn't that long ago that you were almost desperate for new clients. Must be your high public profile and winning personality! :-)
By the way: You and Amir = Power Couple.
Thanks you for Ozymandias. It is just as stirring and unforgetable as I remember. When I watched the statues of Lenin fall in the late 80s and 90s it was that poem that I thought of. When the Romanian dictor Ceausescu, absolute despot of Romania for 22 years was executed by his own poeple on ChristmasDay 1989...It was the ancient fallen statue of Ozymandias that came to mind...same when I first saw the massive feet of the statue in Lost.
Don't ask me why but I always connect it to Sailing to Byzantium. They both hav ethe feel of eternal unchanging time.
So frustrating! Several things of interest (I hope) to say regarding both the subway vignette and the bookstore blog entry by John. but not enough time to do them justice. Will start there next time.
The 2 hour pilot of THE KILLING was brilliiant, dark, and bleak. In other words: PERFECT. I am sure you and I will be talking a lot about this show.
Again, sorry this is so short. More to follow very soon You take care and stay safe. I'm glad you added these words:
"Believe me I appreciate my Amir and let him know it. I love him more than anyone and he is very clear on this."
Appreciating one's love and telling them so is often so rarely done. Lord knows Amir should be clear on this...how many times has he been told?
Your friend,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! At least your "inner Kelly" matches the weather outside. Since you suffer from a least a mild case of SAD the onset of spring weather has to improve your general mood,n'est-ce pas?
Before resuming where I left off, a few times:
- You may recall my early-on comment about the unusual number of KK's on this planet. Meet one with an even more alliterative name than your own:
KATTY KAY (pronounced CATTY]
She is the Washington correspondenbt for the BBC and one of the few talking heads who I will go out of my way to listen to. Very bright, with original insights on our American ways. She also occasionally hosts the BBC World News which airs on BBC-A/PBS.
- The first season of Masters of Horror has finished airing . Many thanks for your season 1 guide. Could you do the same for Season 2? They may not always be your cup of tea but all are highly original and well-done. Again the whole idea was to give well-known directors of horror/terror films a virtual free hand to tell a one-hour story.
- [Ed.: Omitting Civil War piece talk.]
- WTHell! the power of music the complete opposite of the magisterial "A. Farewell" ... "What the Hell" is the latest song from Avril Lavigne---pure pop/infectiously chirpy--one it is in your head...
"All my life I've been good, but now
Wo-o, Wo-o, Wo-- Wo-o
What the Hell!
Yes, I know, lyrics worthy of Yeats!
***
Yes, I was a bit confused regarding the two HIV John stories. You are normally quite clear and precise so I probably missed the appropriate clues (which bothers me because I read everything quite closely) Anyway...that does put the subway incident in a much more chilling lightg. It somwhat mirrors the filctional story of how two people met across a room..that you sent me.
NYC is the prefect laboratory for the Law of Large Numbers. Another subject to discuss.
The second story about "The Bookstore" Written by John. I do realize exactly waht you are saying about that story being written to appeal to and prey upon people's sensibilities. But more interesting was your comment that you were surprised I was touched by it.
This raises two fascinating points we've touched upon before:
> Even those with sociopathic traits in some areas of their lives can be deeply and emotionally and genuinely moved by events or things in other areas of their lives.
> Have you ever considered the possiblity that a sociopath (male or female) could be "ensnared" by an even more insidious sociopath? or one who is more complete?
A novel I have thought about in this regard, with a twist:
Two sociopaths meet in college. Both realize instinctively that they were really made for each other and that such a mate will not come along again. Adopting Cleckely's "mask of sanity" , they stay together.
Have no fear KK: For our literary purposes we can dispense with the accuracy of partial sociopaths. These two can be icy and complete, except in their "love", devotion and obsession with each other... Both pursue lucrative careers, professions where their sociopathic tendencies can be subsumed and hidden. They marry. They have a child or children. Not because they are loving parents (they only love themselves and each other), or because they give their children a better l iife, but because the children can adance their needs, wants and desires... How such a child is raised (and perhaps sacrificed to our evil duo) is part of the novel...as is the story of how our couple amuse themselves with the lives of family, friends and co-workers and whoever else crosses their paths...
Your thoughts, Kelly? I an imagine solme horrendous and riveting chapters.
Wow! All the above from your brief paragraph.
Fascinating that you are still in touch with, albeit sproradically, Reidtard. Do any of your ex-boyfriends have nice nicknames? Reidtard, HIV John....???
He is clearly still smitten and obsessed. Let's face it, Kelly: Men love you and women want to be you!
[Ed.: Omitting film discussion.]
Yours,
Michael
Much to get to, but not much time today. So let me write what I can now get that in the mail and then write more over the weekend.
OMGKK! Your letter just arrived/mentions the premiere of Amir's new film "Building Stories" on May 11. I am so genuinely excited! That is so cool and so awesome. And you are part of it! Having seen "Wag the Dog" I am of course aware the producer is the heart and soul and brains of any film worth its salt and all hail the exec producer.
And speaking at the premiere--Donald Trump and Pete Hamill! Again--awesome and impressive. Clearly your executive producer has some great connections. You probably know that Trump has been everywhere on TV the pst few weeks, teasing teh media with hints of a run for President. I would not bve at all surprised if there is some element of this in the natiional press at hte premiere since Trump will be in attendance.
In the interim could you sendm e smoe info/bio on architect Costa Kondyllis? Must be an interesting man to attract the attention of Amir and PBS.
So glad ot hear your work has picked up so much. That has to be a major calming influence on your otherwise stress-filled (so-called) life. Wasn't that long ago that you were almost desperate for new clients. Must be your high public profile and winning personality! :-)
By the way: You and Amir = Power Couple.
Thanks you for Ozymandias. It is just as stirring and unforgetable as I remember. When I watched the statues of Lenin fall in the late 80s and 90s it was that poem that I thought of. When the Romanian dictor Ceausescu, absolute despot of Romania for 22 years was executed by his own poeple on ChristmasDay 1989...It was the ancient fallen statue of Ozymandias that came to mind...same when I first saw the massive feet of the statue in Lost.
Don't ask me why but I always connect it to Sailing to Byzantium. They both hav ethe feel of eternal unchanging time.
So frustrating! Several things of interest (I hope) to say regarding both the subway vignette and the bookstore blog entry by John. but not enough time to do them justice. Will start there next time.
The 2 hour pilot of THE KILLING was brilliiant, dark, and bleak. In other words: PERFECT. I am sure you and I will be talking a lot about this show.
Again, sorry this is so short. More to follow very soon You take care and stay safe. I'm glad you added these words:
"Believe me I appreciate my Amir and let him know it. I love him more than anyone and he is very clear on this."
Appreciating one's love and telling them so is often so rarely done. Lord knows Amir should be clear on this...how many times has he been told?
Your friend,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! At least your "inner Kelly" matches the weather outside. Since you suffer from a least a mild case of SAD the onset of spring weather has to improve your general mood,n'est-ce pas?
Before resuming where I left off, a few times:
- You may recall my early-on comment about the unusual number of KK's on this planet. Meet one with an even more alliterative name than your own:
KATTY KAY (pronounced CATTY]
She is the Washington correspondenbt for the BBC and one of the few talking heads who I will go out of my way to listen to. Very bright, with original insights on our American ways. She also occasionally hosts the BBC World News which airs on BBC-A/PBS.
- The first season of Masters of Horror has finished airing . Many thanks for your season 1 guide. Could you do the same for Season 2? They may not always be your cup of tea but all are highly original and well-done. Again the whole idea was to give well-known directors of horror/terror films a virtual free hand to tell a one-hour story.
- [Ed.: Omitting Civil War piece talk.]
- WTHell! the power of music the complete opposite of the magisterial "A. Farewell" ... "What the Hell" is the latest song from Avril Lavigne---pure pop/infectiously chirpy--one it is in your head...
"All my life I've been good, but now
Wo-o, Wo-o, Wo-- Wo-o
What the Hell!
Yes, I know, lyrics worthy of Yeats!
***
Yes, I was a bit confused regarding the two HIV John stories. You are normally quite clear and precise so I probably missed the appropriate clues (which bothers me because I read everything quite closely) Anyway...that does put the subway incident in a much more chilling lightg. It somwhat mirrors the filctional story of how two people met across a room..that you sent me.
NYC is the prefect laboratory for the Law of Large Numbers. Another subject to discuss.
The second story about "The Bookstore" Written by John. I do realize exactly waht you are saying about that story being written to appeal to and prey upon people's sensibilities. But more interesting was your comment that you were surprised I was touched by it.
This raises two fascinating points we've touched upon before:
> Even those with sociopathic traits in some areas of their lives can be deeply and emotionally and genuinely moved by events or things in other areas of their lives.
> Have you ever considered the possiblity that a sociopath (male or female) could be "ensnared" by an even more insidious sociopath? or one who is more complete?
A novel I have thought about in this regard, with a twist:
Two sociopaths meet in college. Both realize instinctively that they were really made for each other and that such a mate will not come along again. Adopting Cleckely's "mask of sanity" , they stay together.
Have no fear KK: For our literary purposes we can dispense with the accuracy of partial sociopaths. These two can be icy and complete, except in their "love", devotion and obsession with each other... Both pursue lucrative careers, professions where their sociopathic tendencies can be subsumed and hidden. They marry. They have a child or children. Not because they are loving parents (they only love themselves and each other), or because they give their children a better l iife, but because the children can adance their needs, wants and desires... How such a child is raised (and perhaps sacrificed to our evil duo) is part of the novel...as is the story of how our couple amuse themselves with the lives of family, friends and co-workers and whoever else crosses their paths...
Your thoughts, Kelly? I an imagine solme horrendous and riveting chapters.
Wow! All the above from your brief paragraph.
Fascinating that you are still in touch with, albeit sproradically, Reidtard. Do any of your ex-boyfriends have nice nicknames? Reidtard, HIV John....???
He is clearly still smitten and obsessed. Let's face it, Kelly: Men love you and women want to be you!
[Ed.: Omitting film discussion.]
Yours,
Michael
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #115-116
Dear Kelly,
So, there are 1000 points of light, 1001 Tales of the Arabian Nightsand it alwawys seems 1002 things to talk about with Kelly Kreth, wordsmith, blogger and (dare I say it?) full time g/f? Shall we begin?
>First, a brutal and mean warning you can give to "A" seems to fit perfectly with your volatile relationship.* In a trailer for the new season of Louis CK coming up in June on FX one of Louie's friends comments on his life: "You're gonna die alone in a room with a thin blanket, and the nurse comes in and just shuts the machine off..."
OUCH. Need to stay with the "K", "A"!
*As in fulminate of mercury! Go ahead, look it up on Google.
So much better to die in that room with one of Kelly's huge warm blankets/duvet/comforter combos...and Kelly turning off the machine...
Excuse the blakc Young Prisoner's Handbook-style humor. It just comles naturally when writing to you.
On a much cheerier note, I've been meaning to ask what yours and Amir's songs are? Every couple that has been together for any length have "their songs" . As always, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
[Ed.: My and Amir's songs are" Tighten Up by the Black Keys and The Wilderness Downtown by Arcarde Fire. We play them over and over to each other and they both have a strong significance to us.]
[Ed.: Eliminating movie discussion.]
Sociopath's Rules for Relationships:
1) Don't ask questions. There is no such thing as right and wrong.
2) Don't take an interest in people or things outside work. There is no such thing as trust.
3) Erase every trace.
4) Know when to get out.
So what movies are you and Amir seeing these days? Am I correct that Amir seems to share your love of film great and small?
***
Have you heard "FRIDAY" the "worst song in the world" as such by 13 y/o Rebecca Black? It sticks in your brain housing group like superglue.
Another TWEEN QUIZ Question: Do you know who Miranda Cosgrove is? No, Kelly. NO fair Googling. Do you know who she is at this moment?
Not a surprise to hear after her many illnesses, but the death of Elizabeth Taylor is one of those moments in Hollywood.
Yours,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
"Marilyn Monroe was the sex goddess, Grace Kelly the ice queen, Audrey Hepburn, the eternal gaine. Elizabeth Taylor was beauty incarnate." -- NYT obituary of Taylor.
Hi sunshine! Read the above in the paper and it seemed to capture the moment.
>Before I forget must mention a book that appears and sounds utterly fascinating from the advert. But then again, that's what a good advre is supposed to do! Hard to believe your sociopath radar has not seen it.
GOTHAM CHRONICLES: The Culture of Sociopathy by T. Byram Karasu
[Ed.: He asks me to Google it and get him details and find if it is available in paperback yet.]
>While I'm making my endless requests...in the new Rolling Stone, can you get me the explosive article about US Army Afghan Kill Teams? The photos may be problematic--do not send them. Text only is fine.
Thank you again. :-)
>Your most recent letter was your inteview with Countess LuAnn.Doing the math she must be about 46 or 47 and seems to have lead a fairly priveledged and sheltered life. But also has a pretty good attitude at least as evidenced by her answers. But "Countess"? Really?
You should be a Countess! Great alliteration: Countess Kelly Kreth requests your presence...
Glad this piece got wider distribution than usual. It's very good plus she is a Real Housewife of NY and OMG! an effing countess!!!
>Actually quite eager to rad your letters about my last two or three written to you. So many questions for you, my dear. You are like a very good-smelling onion--so many layers and levels.
Hopefully you are not so drained mentally from daydreaming of Amir during the day and physically from endless loving sexual couplings at night--so as to preclude your usual scintillating self from shining through! Yes, tongue firmly in cheek...so chill!
>Let me address one fairly serious subject you mentioned. [I think I actually have something new to add.] That is the issue of the upcoming deposition on April 1st. Obviously this letter will arrive after, but I know that like many a court date, it could be postponed for a myriad of reasons. And unfortunately we both know there will be more appearances.
You want to understand at some level why John did what he did. First, know that what he did or tried to do is not the same as someone deliberately doing the deed with a substance other than HIV. I'm not saying it should not be treated the same under teh law, but I believe the psychology would be much different. AND this is further complicated by the fact that John in our novel is not a bitter man suffering from chronic HIV infection or dying of AIDS---striking out at the world via his sexual partners. He is instead a man who sems to have the infection without any complications. Indeed, his transmission of said virus would seem to be theoretical. According to the rest of the history he has never actually transmitted it to anyone...is this correct?
Hope this isn't too much in the weeds, but you see how unique his situation may be...
So--MOTIVATIONS: Power and feelings of omnipotence are often present in classic csees. But someone with HIV is no "power player". Hard to feel omnipotent with a potentialloy fatal disease. However one thing that John used and felt throughout every moment of his time with women--especially after he began having unprotected sex--was the SECRECY! John had this stunningly devastatingly and potentially deadly secret--in the midst of and unbeknownst to the women--the most precious, and intimate situation imaginable...one that demands total sharing and transparency from both partners. But at the very moment while she is filled with his love he knows that something far more sinister is now inside her. And he knows this every minute of everyday.
And when the deposition takes place he still KNOWS THIS!
And so each time he sees that woman, he can intensify that feeling and enjoy (yes, that is the right word) it even more.
HIs brutally abusive childhood (if you believe it!) and teen years certainly could add a power/revenge motif to his actions.
The question is: what should our woman do? Let me think more on that. But please Madame, co-writer, tell me what you think of the above...
***
If I didn't already mention it, glad your Waldorf anniversary went well. I had a feeling it would. Special days, in a relationship tend to be emotionally and sexually, overwhelming, leaving whatever problems may exist for another day.
Your opinion on the Idol judges seems to be a popular one.
No question Steven Tyler was the wild card that seems to be working out. Keep me posted.
Your friend,
Michael
So, there are 1000 points of light, 1001 Tales of the Arabian Nightsand it alwawys seems 1002 things to talk about with Kelly Kreth, wordsmith, blogger and (dare I say it?) full time g/f? Shall we begin?
>First, a brutal and mean warning you can give to "A" seems to fit perfectly with your volatile relationship.* In a trailer for the new season of Louis CK coming up in June on FX one of Louie's friends comments on his life: "You're gonna die alone in a room with a thin blanket, and the nurse comes in and just shuts the machine off..."
OUCH. Need to stay with the "K", "A"!
*As in fulminate of mercury! Go ahead, look it up on Google.
So much better to die in that room with one of Kelly's huge warm blankets/duvet/comforter combos...and Kelly turning off the machine...
Excuse the blakc Young Prisoner's Handbook-style humor. It just comles naturally when writing to you.
On a much cheerier note, I've been meaning to ask what yours and Amir's songs are? Every couple that has been together for any length have "their songs" . As always, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
[Ed.: My and Amir's songs are" Tighten Up by the Black Keys and The Wilderness Downtown by Arcarde Fire. We play them over and over to each other and they both have a strong significance to us.]
[Ed.: Eliminating movie discussion.]
Sociopath's Rules for Relationships:
1) Don't ask questions. There is no such thing as right and wrong.
2) Don't take an interest in people or things outside work. There is no such thing as trust.
3) Erase every trace.
4) Know when to get out.
So what movies are you and Amir seeing these days? Am I correct that Amir seems to share your love of film great and small?
***
Have you heard "FRIDAY" the "worst song in the world" as such by 13 y/o Rebecca Black? It sticks in your brain housing group like superglue.
Another TWEEN QUIZ Question: Do you know who Miranda Cosgrove is? No, Kelly. NO fair Googling. Do you know who she is at this moment?
Not a surprise to hear after her many illnesses, but the death of Elizabeth Taylor is one of those moments in Hollywood.
Yours,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
"Marilyn Monroe was the sex goddess, Grace Kelly the ice queen, Audrey Hepburn, the eternal gaine. Elizabeth Taylor was beauty incarnate." -- NYT obituary of Taylor.
Hi sunshine! Read the above in the paper and it seemed to capture the moment.
>Before I forget must mention a book that appears and sounds utterly fascinating from the advert. But then again, that's what a good advre is supposed to do! Hard to believe your sociopath radar has not seen it.
GOTHAM CHRONICLES: The Culture of Sociopathy by T. Byram Karasu
[Ed.: He asks me to Google it and get him details and find if it is available in paperback yet.]
>While I'm making my endless requests...in the new Rolling Stone, can you get me the explosive article about US Army Afghan Kill Teams? The photos may be problematic--do not send them. Text only is fine.
Thank you again. :-)
>Your most recent letter was your inteview with Countess LuAnn.Doing the math she must be about 46 or 47 and seems to have lead a fairly priveledged and sheltered life. But also has a pretty good attitude at least as evidenced by her answers. But "Countess"? Really?
You should be a Countess! Great alliteration: Countess Kelly Kreth requests your presence...
Glad this piece got wider distribution than usual. It's very good plus she is a Real Housewife of NY and OMG! an effing countess!!!
>Actually quite eager to rad your letters about my last two or three written to you. So many questions for you, my dear. You are like a very good-smelling onion--so many layers and levels.
Hopefully you are not so drained mentally from daydreaming of Amir during the day and physically from endless loving sexual couplings at night--so as to preclude your usual scintillating self from shining through! Yes, tongue firmly in cheek...so chill!
>Let me address one fairly serious subject you mentioned. [I think I actually have something new to add.] That is the issue of the upcoming deposition on April 1st. Obviously this letter will arrive after, but I know that like many a court date, it could be postponed for a myriad of reasons. And unfortunately we both know there will be more appearances.
You want to understand at some level why John did what he did. First, know that what he did or tried to do is not the same as someone deliberately doing the deed with a substance other than HIV. I'm not saying it should not be treated the same under teh law, but I believe the psychology would be much different. AND this is further complicated by the fact that John in our novel is not a bitter man suffering from chronic HIV infection or dying of AIDS---striking out at the world via his sexual partners. He is instead a man who sems to have the infection without any complications. Indeed, his transmission of said virus would seem to be theoretical. According to the rest of the history he has never actually transmitted it to anyone...is this correct?
Hope this isn't too much in the weeds, but you see how unique his situation may be...
So--MOTIVATIONS: Power and feelings of omnipotence are often present in classic csees. But someone with HIV is no "power player". Hard to feel omnipotent with a potentialloy fatal disease. However one thing that John used and felt throughout every moment of his time with women--especially after he began having unprotected sex--was the SECRECY! John had this stunningly devastatingly and potentially deadly secret--in the midst of and unbeknownst to the women--the most precious, and intimate situation imaginable...one that demands total sharing and transparency from both partners. But at the very moment while she is filled with his love he knows that something far more sinister is now inside her. And he knows this every minute of everyday.
And when the deposition takes place he still KNOWS THIS!
And so each time he sees that woman, he can intensify that feeling and enjoy (yes, that is the right word) it even more.
HIs brutally abusive childhood (if you believe it!) and teen years certainly could add a power/revenge motif to his actions.
The question is: what should our woman do? Let me think more on that. But please Madame, co-writer, tell me what you think of the above...
***
If I didn't already mention it, glad your Waldorf anniversary went well. I had a feeling it would. Special days, in a relationship tend to be emotionally and sexually, overwhelming, leaving whatever problems may exist for another day.
Your opinion on the Idol judges seems to be a popular one.
No question Steven Tyler was the wild card that seems to be working out. Keep me posted.
Your friend,
Michael
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #22
HI KELLY,
I'M IN THE MIDST OF WRITING--AUTOBIO--WHEREIN EVERYTHING SEEMS A MOMENTARY DEVIATION FROM THE TASK AT HAND ADN THE ONLY FOCUS IS THE LINES ADVANCING ACROSS THE PAGE.
SUDDENTLY i BEGAN AND THROUGH ALL THE INTERRUPTIONS I CONTINUED AS IF i WERE UNROLLED A TIGHTLY CURLED TAPE.
THE MIND IS SO STRANGE.
I WROTE 48 PAGES IN 48 HOURS AND MY ENERGY WAS JUST TOO HIGH FOR THIS PLACE AS I WAS BEING NORMAL AND PLAYING WIHT LANGUAGE WHICH NO ONE HERE UNDERSTAND, OFCOURSE, CAUSING CONFUSION SO I PUT IT DOWN FOR A DAY AND TURNED TO AN EGREGIOUS TASK--EDITING ONE OF THE HABES I WROTE YOU ABOUT.
TURGID DOESN'T EVEN GET CLOSE AAND A LIFE IS AT STAKE.
SO...
WROTE TO THE SITE BEFORE I GOT YOUR LETTER. NO HELP THERE.
WENT BACK TO THE WRITING TODAY; IT JUST KEEPS UNROLLING.
NOW i UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO. THANKS FOR EXPLAINING.
I LOOK AT SUCH AN EXERCISE EACH WEEK NI THE TRIB WHICH IS VERY HIGH END.
I CAN ONLY WISH YOU LUCK WITH 675 CLIENTS IN ONE ACCOUNT. CANT' YOU SUB-ROUTINE SOME OF THE WORK AND GET SOME HELP? WHAT YOU DESCRIBED IS MY WINTER SAN ANTIBIOTICS. . I USE VITAMINS, BUT IT WOULD GO AWAY AND THEN CREEP BACK.
AND I'M NOT ALONE--COS, OTHER ONE FOUGHT WITH HIS DOC---FINALLY CONVINCED HIM THEN THE DOC SAW MANY SIMILAR CAES. IT IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
WE ARE GOING TO BE HIT IN SO MANY WAY.
[ED.: He is talking about how antibiotics are creating super bugs that can't be killed. In the upcoming session he is answer my questions about how he feels he could have done things differently to not end up in jail for murdering his ex-girlfriend Holly Maddux. He claims he didn't. That they had had a turbulent relationship, she left him, he never wanted to hear from her again and was found by the cops in a trunk in his closet due to an awful smell. Here he says something a bit different about it.]
WHAT WOULD I DO DIFFERENTLY RE: HOLLY: END THE RELATIONSHIP EARLIER. EASIER SAID THAN DONE, AS WE SEPARATED AGAIN AND AGAIN. SHE DISAPPEARED AT TIMES, THEN WOULD JUST CANCE BACK INTO MY LIFE. FINALLY WE AGREED TO SPLIT, BUT SHE INSISTED ON BUYING ME A CAR, TAKING ME TO EUROPE AND THE SPLIT UP: SHE TOOK AN APARTMENT ACROSS THE ST. THE ENTIRE CONTENTION OF SPLIT UP IS NONSENSE. YOU STRUGGLE TO LEAVE THEN MOVE ACROSS THE STREET. PLEASE. FOR THE REST, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BOOK.
PEACE,
Ira
I'M IN THE MIDST OF WRITING--AUTOBIO--WHEREIN EVERYTHING SEEMS A MOMENTARY DEVIATION FROM THE TASK AT HAND ADN THE ONLY FOCUS IS THE LINES ADVANCING ACROSS THE PAGE.
SUDDENTLY i BEGAN AND THROUGH ALL THE INTERRUPTIONS I CONTINUED AS IF i WERE UNROLLED A TIGHTLY CURLED TAPE.
THE MIND IS SO STRANGE.
I WROTE 48 PAGES IN 48 HOURS AND MY ENERGY WAS JUST TOO HIGH FOR THIS PLACE AS I WAS BEING NORMAL AND PLAYING WIHT LANGUAGE WHICH NO ONE HERE UNDERSTAND, OFCOURSE, CAUSING CONFUSION SO I PUT IT DOWN FOR A DAY AND TURNED TO AN EGREGIOUS TASK--EDITING ONE OF THE HABES I WROTE YOU ABOUT.
TURGID DOESN'T EVEN GET CLOSE AAND A LIFE IS AT STAKE.
SO...
WROTE TO THE SITE BEFORE I GOT YOUR LETTER. NO HELP THERE.
WENT BACK TO THE WRITING TODAY; IT JUST KEEPS UNROLLING.
NOW i UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO. THANKS FOR EXPLAINING.
I LOOK AT SUCH AN EXERCISE EACH WEEK NI THE TRIB WHICH IS VERY HIGH END.
I CAN ONLY WISH YOU LUCK WITH 675 CLIENTS IN ONE ACCOUNT. CANT' YOU SUB-ROUTINE SOME OF THE WORK AND GET SOME HELP? WHAT YOU DESCRIBED IS MY WINTER SAN ANTIBIOTICS. . I USE VITAMINS, BUT IT WOULD GO AWAY AND THEN CREEP BACK.
AND I'M NOT ALONE--COS, OTHER ONE FOUGHT WITH HIS DOC---FINALLY CONVINCED HIM THEN THE DOC SAW MANY SIMILAR CAES. IT IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
WE ARE GOING TO BE HIT IN SO MANY WAY.
[ED.: He is talking about how antibiotics are creating super bugs that can't be killed. In the upcoming session he is answer my questions about how he feels he could have done things differently to not end up in jail for murdering his ex-girlfriend Holly Maddux. He claims he didn't. That they had had a turbulent relationship, she left him, he never wanted to hear from her again and was found by the cops in a trunk in his closet due to an awful smell. Here he says something a bit different about it.]
WHAT WOULD I DO DIFFERENTLY RE: HOLLY: END THE RELATIONSHIP EARLIER. EASIER SAID THAN DONE, AS WE SEPARATED AGAIN AND AGAIN. SHE DISAPPEARED AT TIMES, THEN WOULD JUST CANCE BACK INTO MY LIFE. FINALLY WE AGREED TO SPLIT, BUT SHE INSISTED ON BUYING ME A CAR, TAKING ME TO EUROPE AND THE SPLIT UP: SHE TOOK AN APARTMENT ACROSS THE ST. THE ENTIRE CONTENTION OF SPLIT UP IS NONSENSE. YOU STRUGGLE TO LEAVE THEN MOVE ACROSS THE STREET. PLEASE. FOR THE REST, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE BOOK.
PEACE,
Ira
