Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #61

Dear Kelly,
My best guess about Amir is that he has got it bad and is now in the WTF stage of falling in love. You know from the beginning that he was a commitmentphobe. Part of the life he has lived has included managing multiple women or if he was with a single woman, either a) not for long or b) did as he pleased.

In the beginning of your relationship, he had other women as usual. He is used to running the show, making decisions (like cutting out on Xmas without warning and giving vague answers about where he's going and why) and not seeing the impact that his flippancy has on others. He did not love them enough to be compassionate about their pain he caused. Additionally, the mediocre relationships, even if emotional, did not cut deep when there was a fight or a loss.

But he loves the shit out of you.

AND it is making him feel a deeper cut of emotion, both up and down. And let's be honest, you are a rollercoaster, Kelly. You have strong reactions, intense emotions and it forces the knife in deeper AND heightens the level of ecstasy, intimacy and a pleasure. Do you consider yourself a manic?

When you express your feelings for some reason he feels responsible for them. I don't know if that has come from him not being used to deeper emotions, or if you blame things on him, or if because when he used to do things and women were hurt, he didn't have to care to feel sympathy because he didn't love them as much.

But clearly thing have gotten serious and your reactions get more intense. Before--maybe 4-6 mos ago, you would be pretty matter of fact about stuff. Like Amir would say XYZ and then try to weasel out of it and you'd give an ultimatum or say -- Amir you are disrespecting me and your word, and if you don't do XYZ then I can't trust you. But now you have a higher level of expectation so if he tries to go back on XYZ you are like WHY would you do that? You know I had this planned and blah, blah. That's my guess. His actions have a greater impact because of the greater level of commitment (and you now expect more)

SO
He's feeling the weight and responsibility of commitment to you and a) it's new to him b) he's look ahead with dread because

He's commitmentphobic, believe that this will turn out like the past, with an end, and therefore if it continues down this same path, when the real end comes it's likely to fucking kill him.

Like breakdown and head for the psychiatric hospital for a week. This is scary for him. And it should be.

What he really wants is to maintain your level of intimacy without such heavy consequences for his individuality, his feelings and his choices. He doesn't want to walk on eggshells and he doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings.

He shouldn't have to be either, because when you are upset it comes from either:

1) an unmet need
2) an unmet expectation
3) a thwarted intention

So what he should be responsible for is HIS WORD. Period. If he fulfills his word, then your feelings are your responsibility. If you are being hurt by either his actions or his omissions than you tow clearly have to communicate more about what needs and expectations you have, because I believe that is the problem.

He even ends it with saying that he is sorry for not giving you what you need right now.

Your needs/wants/expectations are more than he feels that he has agreed upon. You keep feeling like you aren't getting what you should and he keeps feeling like the line keeps getting pushed closer and closer .. and the cliff is behind him.

He wants room to breathe, to not have a crisis lurking around the corner. And he wants you more than any other woman. To him, he feels he cannot have both right now.

I totally understand where he is coming from because I had a lover like that once. And...I have been that girl before too. I think the catalyse is fear. Insecurity. And so, you are afraid to lose him and go into hypersensitivity mode, which then causes overemotional reactions and those up/down--elation/destruction cycles. Before, it wasn't so intense because you fear less a lost opportunity than a lost asset. You've turned him into something you are leasing or renting to own. Before he was a hotel room, night by night.

Or I could be completely wrong.

Just my thoughts.

I really hope you tow figure it out because Amir is WAY better than Reidtard and you must go to the May premiere as his g/f. Oh, which reminds me, I was sure that I had heard references to Amir's movie on NPR because whenever I heard them mention it, I remember how odd I thought it was to make a production about an architect in NY. Like to me that sounds like something I'd watch on a late weekday evening while drinking too much wine while waiting on the oven to ding, for I have secured the money to build my own place and just broke up with my lover. An then bail out as soon as the timer went off.

That's why I didn't pay attn. I am pretty sure it was on one of the afternoon shows where there is news, then an in-depth story. It could have been Morning Edition, Fresh Air, All Things Considered...
it was when I saw the movie poster that I even knew what Amir's movie was about so I didn't make the possible connection until I saw your letter later. I don't know how NPR is set up but some of their shows are done by PRI, APM and one of those is out of NY. Maybe it was one of them.

Or maybe it's another book or movie about another NY architect? I didn't know how obsessed NYers are with real estate and architecture until I met you. Could there be another one?

I can't believe Donald Trump is speaking at the movie. How many people are going to be there? Since its coming up soon, I'll keep my ears open. I'm sorry if I don't remember.

I got my first official short story printed this month. It's in a small zine that circulates maybe 100 copies each printing but its a start. And I sent in a ;modified version to The Sun for Reader's Write. I love that magazine. I'm so glad you told me about it. Next month is my last issue so I'm keeping my fingers crossed to get accepted b/c they give a free year sub. for it. I need to write Michele again about the book. I sent in the $10 for Creative Nonfiction like 3 mos ago, but got no response. I hate that. Another letter to write.

Wow! Congrats on your puzzle piece being picked. And shown in Japan! So are you going to the Soho art gallery show seeing that your piece is on display? That was a good art piece. Real, you know?

I have been sending out requests for hand art to France, Belgium, Canada, Argentina, Italy, and all over the US. Some are real short, to the point, others are geared towards supporting me specifically, others for stigma examination they morph as I go along. I'm going to write up an art call sheet and enclose it in here for you. Will you please make hand art and pass the request to someone? Or post it on a board online or on a corkboard in a gallery?

John, my mom's boyfriend, has never done a blog and doesn't know what he's doing, so he's having a time figuring out howto put stuff on there. He's 62 and wants to help. Is the art up yet? I wonder, when you post pictures (jpgs) to your blog, do you save them as small pics that you click on to get bigger or do they load at full size? I'm going to call home Sunday and see how things are going.

Any suggestions on the technical stuff?

Fuck what Lauren thinks. You aren't a loose cannon, you are emotionally advanced and freely expressed. You don't' put it all out there, you are simply being authentic, transparent and self-expressed. Maybe she needs the twig removed from her pretentious ass.

And his friends only say that he should leave you because they see how affected he is by your disagreements and this is unusual for him. They only want him to be happy.

He does love you very much. That is clear.

I picked up a memoir in the rec room titled: An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. I guess she's a psychiatrist and professor at John Hopkins who has manic depression, and it's her story. "A Memoir of Moods and Madness" is the subtitle. It's from'95 but seemed like something that would kind of be tangential to what I've gone through particularly the stigma attached to mental illness. I've just read maybe a dozen pages.

You asked me about the scariest or most dangerous prisoners here. I would have to say the diabetics who don't eat right. They get bad mood swings and have farts that can kill a small rodent. Honestly, I don't really think I have ever met a woman whom I thought was scary (except my ex-lover when she stalked me) Most of the violence is girlfriend drama or over someone else's girlfriend. There are other fights, but even those almost exclusively involve only hands, pencils or biting. A goose-egg or black eye.

Generally people don't just fuck with you unless you fuck with them. Except bullies. There are a few bullies but bullies only bully people they know they can bully, particularly their g/fs.

Dangerous..well. There are dangerous women here, but they are a danger to abusive fathers, husbands, or as an accomplice in a drug-related crime. Most sober women are not a danger. The creepy ones are almost exclusively sex-crime related cases. But then again bullies always pick easy targets.

Plus, out there a lot of them were nutty and self-medicated with drugs or alcohol. Here they get Remeron and Haldol. It keeps them easy.

I have never felt afraid of another woman in prison, although I sure had the adrenaline fear when I confronted a few of them. But I never worried about sleeping and getting attached or had to watch my back in the shower. If you do, then you are doing things that you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

There are some manly women here that I would not voluntarily piss off without being two steps out the door first.

I don't' know if that answered your question.

The real dangerous ones are the sneaky, quiet, vindictive types. Hence the reason to not fuck with people.

I'm glad you are again fully employed.

THAT'S IT! THE BIG THREE!!! You had the apartment and boyfriend and so when you got all that work something had to fail, right? You are a wicked genius, Kelly Kreth.

I'm telling you, you could write a book on just that theory---a short memoir of the men, apartments and jobs you've juggled and pull from your previous columns for material Oh yes! That's a great hook!

Take care,

Sarah

Did I ever tell you that your recycled paper envelopes often fall apart partially every letter? Or maybe it is the letter opener...Nevermind. :-)