Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #59

Kelly,
Happy Spring!
Glad to get your letter. Your florescent letters I have used the blank parts of the paper to make a paper mural of spring that I taped to a paper grocery bag that holds foodstuff. . We can't decorate our walls, so I have to improvise. But spring is officially here today and I hope that a new season brings new, positive changes in my circumstances.

You are right about the freak-outs being caused by being in this room too long. That's what the mental health people say, too, but the Powers that Be ignore it and make me suffer for a variety of reasons. I had a regular, monthly review of my status on Thursday, and it was better than usual because I have given up being sarcastic and defensive to the person who runs it. I realize that she actually has no power, so no matter what her judgement is of me it doesn't matter one way or another and for real, I feel compassion for her because I would not want to be left in the dark, like they do to her, and then have to be the one to always tell me I'm not leaving, and there is no indication when that might happen. They have locked me in the attic--out of sight---out of mind. While I am slowing descending into who knows what--they go on with their merry (or miserable) lives. Such a shame. To think it is acceptable to treat human beings like animals in a shelter. Sad.

Michelle advised me that the editing process would be very slow--I think because she is doing it herself and also holds a full-time job and other activities, so the book project, I believe, is more of a hobby-type thing done in snatches of time on random evenings before bed or on weekend mornings. Ninety essays. But she wrote to confirm my participation so it is still happening.

You were a growing poet, with vivid images and a sense of humor for yourself and you ditched your poet to live all alone in a dusty notebook. I want to write more because I enjoy it and get better the more I practice,but most of the last six months has been wasted researching and writing the civil rights suit in between freak-out sessions. I feel really cheated out of part of my life because of those. Like, it's one thing to lose my physical freedom but losing my mind is not part of my sentence.

Sorry about your dead scanner. Once the project gets set up perhaps you can contribute some hand photo art. If someone wants to leave a comment on my blog, can't they upload a picture/image into their comment too? I'm not sure how these things work.

Is is just a continuous stream of entries that you can make a Table of Contents for at the top to link to special sections of the feed or does it have different pages.?

I cannot even imagine what a suite that costs $8000 a night looks like. What a great experience! I bet your grand piano photos are gorgeous. Can you share one or are they the kind you don't' share? :-)

Have you ever asked if Amir has considered a taxidermied gift? Or is that just your secret fear?

I bet you could get those poems published. I read lots of strange and wonderful and bad and confusing poems are all over the place. If you add a background note, I bet it would be interesting to print. Did they post your work on Mr. Beller's yet? I've been looking forward to it.

Haircuts in prison for women are common because either 1) they have a vocational cosmetology program to give women a usable skill to leave with and they need heads to practice on, or 2) We cut one another's hair with kindergarten, round-tip draft scissors or modified razor blades.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

The cosmo students need to learn how to dye hair too so they have that service. Usually one purchases hair dye from the commissary where we get shampoo and toothpaste, and some makeup. Men want workout gloves and baseball caps , women want hair dye and makeup. I am denied that stuff because I'm in solitary. I blindly trim my hair with my BIC shaver in the shower. With long layers, it still looks okay even if I fuck it up.

Creepy John encounter. Do you think he went home looking for your most recent t blog post? Can others access yours? I wonder if he leaves comments. At least he's still going to therapy. A python in therapy. How funny.

At least Amir has switched from grapes to melon you can eat!

The mat was thoughtful (heated floors? cool.) but I concur about the mug. He has an odd, but lovable sense of humor. At least he's not being boring and predictable.

I can barely remember what it feels like to be in love, or even get physically excited by a man. I think sometimes my pussy is broke. the only things that remotely excite me are nice boobs (which are rare where I am) and nerdy men. If I could find a brilliant, sexy woman (which I have, just not currently accessible) I'd be set. However, a nerdy guy with boobs could be good enough for me. That's a strange statement.

I decided that I needed to shed the 10-15 lbs. I picked up over the winter, so since I can't walk around much, and am loathe to make up exercises to do in my room, I"m trying 4-6 weeks of the Atkins/protein/low carb diet. This means mostly tuna, summer sausage, processed cheese, stuff that's in commissary and full of who knows what. After delivery came on Friday I had a bed full of 3 1/2 pounds of meat, 2 pounds of fish, 1 pound of cheese and 2 pounds of seeds. Plus 4 pickled cucumbers, which mysteriously have no calories. How is that?

The one positive side of living in a cage is that I can have a fucked up haircut, no makeup, used clothes and tuna burps and I don't have to worry about trying to be cute for anyone or even embarrassed for myself. I feel like its too much work to be self conscious when I have much bigger problems to worry about.

I'm not fond of these pencils however here's a fun fact: the average pencil can write 45000 words or draw a line 3 miles long.

I wonder who took the time to do that experiment.

Peace,
Sarah