Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Whitaker

Dear Thomas,

Hello! I just got your letter and am always so anxious to read them. It sucks that you had someone you wrote to for a year who was being deceptive. What did this pro-Death Penalty fellow hope to gain by writing? How did he finally tell you? Was he mean?

I can only reiterate that I enjoying writing to you and getting your responses so I’m not going to “flake out” and stop writing. There are periods when I’m busier than others so I may not always be so prolific or swift. You owe me no apology. Dude, I’m just the type of person who is going to question and push and all you have to do is tell me to politely cut it out or that you are uncomfortable discussing certain things. I’m very curious by nature. But I am not malicious. I was just trying to understand why you did what you did.

I know that article about my ex-husband was mean and very snarky. However, my ex-husband knew full-well what I was going to write. He agreed to be interviewed for that and his quotes in it are verbatim. We also interacted with each other like that. It was just the nature of our relationship—our dynamic. I was paid to editorialize about my relationship with him. However, you and I do not have an intimate relationship like I had with my husband. Semi-good natured ribbing in the press was something he expected and even kind of enjoyed. This is what I was getting at when I said I may post your letters or parts on my blog, but that I’d offer no editorialization. I didn’t mean that I don’t care or have thoughts, feelings, opinions….What I meant by that is that I wouldn’t ridicule them, agree or disagree, or insert myself into them or your experience at all. If I posted anything you said, it’d stand alone and anyone who read could draw their own conclusions without me trying to sway opinion in one way or another. I entered into writing to you with a very open mind, and I am committed to continuing to do so. I am not going to say anything bad about you either privately or publicly. No reason for me to.

Clearly, I do not condone murder, violence or crime of any sort. But beyond that, you are simply Thomas to me. Someone I think is incredibly intelligent but also very flawed. I’m both of those things too.

As for me, I do not want to get an MFA all that much. I enjoyed applying to Columbia and if on a miracle of a chance I got in, I’d feel like I won the lottery. I didn’t, and so I have no desire to apply elsewhere, like NYU, the New School, etc. I am, however, taking a writing course this summer---a short one—on how to get non-fiction published and how to write a non-fiction book proposal. Speaking of writing, I keep checking MinutesBeforeSix and there hasn’t been anything new there from you in months. What’s up with that?

I’m also signed up for a cooking class. I studied the basics of French cooking a year ago and would like to continue. I enjoy cooking and do it often. It is very relaxing. The classes are fun because they are also social. At the end of the five –hour session you sit together and drink wine and eat the five-course meal you have worked to prepare together.

I went to a Knicks/Nets game last night and had a hot dog. It was fun. I saw Spike Lee pacing courtside. The Knicks won. Tomorrow night I’m going to the Public Theater to see a play. Saturday night a visit with an ex-boyfriend—someone I dated before I was married. Life chugs along. I get bouts of sadness and gloom. I’ve always been like that.

I don’t read supermarket-lit like James Patterson either. And I try to stay away from anything that the masses love. Oprah book club picks=FAIL! I finished the Diane Arbus bio—she was a very famous photographer who committed suicide in the early 70s and was known for photographing “freaks.” I finished your father’s book. I’m now starting on another book—fiction this time—but can’t seem to get into it. I like non-fiction way better than fiction. Reality is always more interesting than fantasy.

I have this continual sense of loss and longing. Always waiting for something that seems like a bit of dust in the corner of my eye. I can’t never focus on exactly what it is. Arghhh… Just so restless all the time.

I entered my little dog in a Pet of the Month contest (this is what soon-to-be 39 year old single women do) and he won, so MINI will be in the local paper. I’ll try to get a few copies and send you the little write-up on him.

My birthday is May 16th, and I cannot believe I’m going to be 39. It sounds so old, yet I feel like I’m caught between being 12 and 100. I thought by 39 I’d feel I was a responsible adult. I just feel like an idiot most of the time. An idiot capable of paying rent, but an idiot nonetheless. I look around and think, “How did I get here?”

Anyway, I hope your arm isn’t causing you any pain right now and that you somehow get another radio. Do you keep letters that are written to you or do you throw them out? Or do the guards take them from you when you are done reading them? Who else do you write to?…I am assuming you have friends from home or people who reached out after reading about your case. I guess you must get hate mail too…

I’ll close by pasting in a piece I wrote about my trip to India. Hope it helps you pass a bit of time.

Be well, --KK