Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #4

Dear Kelly,

First off, I want to thank you for sending me that excellent article written in The New Yorker. More often than I like to admit, I feel myself losing it in some ways, and it is somewhat comforting to know that these periods of loss of self-control are common to men held in isolation, and not something specific to me. It is a product of context, in other words, a function of simply being a human being. It is also nice to know that there are at least a few people out there willing to look at these types of issues... Lamentably, very few of them located south of the Mason Dixon line. Nonetheless, I will take progress, regardless of its form. I've been going through one of those...shall we say "off" periods lately, and I owe you an apology. I had a pretty close pen-pal )whom I had been writing for nearly a year) turn out to be a member of a pro-DP organization (the ridiculously named "Justice for All"), and have had to come face-to-face with the realization that our entire relationship was little more than a fact-finding expedition. If I had actually said something negative, I have no doubt that this data would have found its way into the hands of the Attorney General for Texas. I'm just...tired, so tired, of meeting [Ed: illegible] men/women, or people who flake out on me or disappear without a trace. I guess I have entered into all of my recent pen-pal relationships with a sense of fatalism, already imagining how you (or anyone) are going to screw me. Forgive me? It wasn't fair of me to do this. I guess I foresaw a version of your blog where you give me the same treatment you hit your ex with. Yikes. As for the rest of what I meant about my inane "colossal damage" comment, I guess we will cross that path if we come to it.

I guess I should note that my life has been pretty rough lately. I'm on edge. I keep getting kick-doored by the shakedown crew...eight times so far. its been a mystery to me as to why they are so bloody convinced I have some serious contraband, but one of the guards resolved this conundrum last night. Seems someone keeps calling up to the unit, claiming I am calling them on a cell phone. No proof of this allegation is required, indeed, all of these callers have asked to remain anonymous from the prison officials. Reminds me of the old days in the Inquisition when anyone could say anything without proof, and have them tortured. I think they know I don't have anything but...power unchecked does what it wants to the point now where anytime I hear the gate pop, I'm preparing to get run in on. All I would have to do to stop this is stab a guard. See the fucked up lesson they teach? And either way, I lose. Violence is not the path I went to take. And so I get my books torn up, my sheets stepped on, etc. etc. I lost my radio last Wednesday and they are not selling them in the commissary until "maybe" late summer...see why I get a little nuts sometime? Add to that the fact that I can't find an attorney to help me with my medical issues...meh. Pain is a tyrant, and I know I would win a lawsuit against them, but who wants to help an inmate? Certainly not the ACLU; they shot me down, as it wasn't a class action suit (i.e: not enough cash involved.) How much do you charge per hour of therapy? I can pay in Ramen noodles.

I hate pity parties...just trying to explain my last letter, I guess. Sometimes the armor we put on ends up betraying us.

My paralegal course is going pretty well. I'm about sick of contractual law by this point. I had to take a step back from completing my BA. Ordered a book on correspondence courses which was written by an ex-prisoner for prisoners, so maybe I can reboot the whole enterprise with some better data. I also (finally) received my FAFAS form from Uncle Sam, so maybe I can get my hands on a grant of some sort. The fed seems to want to pay for everything else right now :-) I think the possibility of a Texas convict getting a Pell grant to be roughly equivalent to Mahmoud Amzdinz---however-the-fuck-you-spell-this-fuckface's-name-jad deciding to spontaneously attend a Gay Rights parade. But, I would try rather than leave a possible option unsearched. Have you given some thought to maybe working on your Masters at another school besides Columbia? Seems like there ought to be plenty of options in a city like NYC.

What do I like to read? Hm...by this point, anything I can get my hands on. I generally keep my distance from the James Pattersons of the world, so I find books written solely for money or "market" share to be a little too pedestrian. My last order from Amazon consisted of "The Kite Runner" by Hosseini, "[Ed.: illegible] Key by King (a gift for my friend Jeff, whose bday is this week), something by Sagan, and something by [Ed.: illegible] Warrag. I really need to cut back on this shit, but boredom is king around here, and at some point you are going to bow down to him. Seems like I did read something by that author, David Sedaris...a book review, I think. Something about drug abuse? "Going Down in Flames" or something to that affect? Bleh, I am so disconnected, Kelly, it hurts. Every once in a while, you get some table crumbs tossed to you from the living, but otherwise life has pretty much passed you by. You do things to convince yourself otherwise, but the truth never really escapes you. Maybe its not so different in the real world, except the distractions are better.

"Alice" sounds entertaining. There was a pretty decent novella I sometimes watched in Mexico, which took place in Rio. They simply dubbed the Mexican over the Portuguese, also. Can't remember the name of it for the life of me... had a portion of the show filmed in Morocco, also. Most of the novelas were pretty trashy, and it is hard for me to accept a version of reality where everyonej is perfect looking, all the bloody time. It never ceased to amaze me how people with little more than a pot to piss in could become so engrossed in the tales of the ultra-wealthy, without one iota of anger. Didn't they understand that all the rich pretty residents of Mexico City attained their wealth at the expense of the populace? When I asked this, the answer surprised me: of course they knew. They also knew that that was the way things had always been and always would be. Made me sad.

Well, what's new in your life? Work going well? The weather has started to best up so I am staring to brace for the dog days of summer. Take care of yourself, Kelly, until next time.

TBW