Hi KK---
A bit late getting my next letter to you finished (That will be a long one, to be sure!)--should be able to mail it out to you tomorrow. In the meantime several articles from this past week that I thought you might find interesting:
>Thought of you immediately when I saw this essay by David McCullough on a proposed large building near the Brooklyn Bridge. Having seen that incredible view myself from a multitude of angles, I must agree that it sounds like a remarkably ill-conceived and bad idea. The photo tells the story.
[KK: Somewhat interesting story on the reverse: "Generation Me" --although it pretty well describes the obvious.]
>Dahlia Lithwick: "Women: Truly The Fairer Sex"--on a potential female Supreme Court Justice to replace Souter.
>Brief but poignant story on the death of Marilyn Chambers...
>The last column is another one by Dahlia Lithwick-but I include it mainly to tell you a bit more about me, so you can know me a little more deeply. As will be much more discussed in my next letter [your questions about "sociopaths," etc.] and letters to follow. I have done some terrible things. But I am viscerally and violently opposed to torture or mistreatment of anyone "in custody" or under someone's control at any time, anywhere. This is not just a philosophical opinion--I literally turn away when Jack Bauer pulls out his bag of tricks on "24". Remember the first season of "Lost", when Sayid tortures Sawyer? Very hard to forget... Those photos from Abu Ghraib referenced in Lithwick's article...truly angers me.
I tell you this, first, for the reason above, but also to let you know that I am well aware of the contradiction with past conduct. I'm not that person anymore. Again-more on all this to follow; but it's important to me that you know I will say & write as deeply and intensely as you allow-so you can know me: inside and out, the light side and the dark (that we have in common!)...
Regarding the actual story--I don't believe there will be any serious investigation. Everyone in power & recently out of power just want it to go away.
Let me get these articles in the mail. Long(er) letter to follow. Take care, KK, and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Over the weekend, I saw a repeat of that amazing Season IV "LOST" episode entitled [THE CONSTANT]. Comments to follow...
[Ed.: All the articles he mentioned were enclosed along with this letter. As he does with his letters, he also underlines certain things in the clippings. One underlining in the story about how we are raising a nation of narcissists is particularly interesting: "Ever read the original ending to Cinderella? The evil stepsisters get their eyes plucked out by pigeons and end up beggars."]
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #18
Dear KK---
Hello again! Let me finish what we were talking about yesterday, and then return to your first letter...then again: "Men Plan, God Laughs", so we'll see if I can make that happen, given your letters' strange power to make me wander far and wide...
Once again, sorry you were "floored" by the very tragic story of another "KK". But they're only initials--and as I tried to make clear, it seems that every girl or woman with those initials in whatever combination claims them as her own. And again, why not? The alliteration is irresistible. So far I have not met people with identical names, both beginning with "K".
Much sadder is the inevitable fallout from suicide. The accusations and blame came years later...You are so right--that "suicide is always such a tragedy"; especially for those who remain to try to ponder the almost always unknowable: WHY? As you can imagine, her family struggled with that at the time, and I'm sure continue to do so today. I was reading a story, reprinted from the Times about the fallout from the recent suicide of Nicholas Hughes, son of Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes--and already there is analysis & recriminations from the [sometimes] fanatical followers of Ms. Plath and those who knew Mr. Hughes only as the brilliant scientist he was.
Anyway, thank you for your condolences. But I am fine (not ecstatic, but OK!) talking about it--now. And to repeat: I'm not squeamish about it; you did not upset me; and nothing you could ask could "irk" me. I totally understand your curiosity---just as I am very curious about the side of you that is a "very dark person who knows the pain of life". I want to explore that completely if you will allow us to do so. And of course, I promise to let you explore & know me as deeply as you wish. With that in mind-let me return to your first letter, and begin with the question of dating: Did you have a type?
***
Trying to be objective-I would say no, insofar as a particular "look" is concerned; but the mind & brain are something else again. Sexuality and sensuality are far more than looks and appearance--intelligence, curiosity, sense of humor, and an ability & willingness to commit totally emotionally...But I have strong feeling that you know that. [KK--What this means is of course a whole other letter or letters!] But again, as I mentioned yesterday, it's been my experience that relatively few men and women are willing to explore that depth of a relationship.
Wow! Hope I'm not getting too deep in the weeds here, but I did want to answer... Continuing with your letter:
David Sedaris: I am familiar with what he writes, but I've not had the pleasure of reading any of his books. I've read some excerpts and reviews and (I think) some short pieces--and what I read was very funny. Do send that most recent New Yorker piece, about the train-smoking, low-life crush.
[On a related note--and trying to provide you with a glimpse into dealing with incarceration: Laughing & humor are very important to both physical & mental health. By now I can probably tell you the plotlines ++ of all 180 Seinfeld episodes and many more. We've already discussed STARVED...how about ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA?]
With the dark & the bleak...plus humor...can you imagine that black comedy is one of my favorites.
Thanks for the New York magazine piece on Cindy Sherman, et. al. Plus I like your attitude about New York, KK! I actually like your attitude about most everything. By the way, the other New York stories with Cindy Sherman's were also intriguing, especially one of the true survivors: Larry Kramer. I've followed his life story (or tried to) since reading the late Randy Shilt's landmark work on the early days of the AIDS pandemic: And The Band Played On
Look forward to whatever you can send re Cindy Sherman & her work. Good luck with your printer.
[A brief but important aside: Some day the full story of the greatest pandemic since the Black Plague will be told. AIDS of course. And especially the utterly shameful neglect & ignorance of the 1980s in America. With no leadership at all from those entrusted with health care and common sense.
There is easily an entire letter on this subject, but let me go for now.]
As you may recall "Hell Hole" focused on several state facilities. Much, much better here in comparison. No roommates. As much as I can, will try to give you a sense of the "experience" in a future letter(s). You might be surprised (or maybe not, you are very perceptive) that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Pretty much go non-stop M-F---and catch up on weekends.
THE KINDLY ONES by Jonathan Lithell [Ed.: Both Swango and Whitaker both seem highly interested in this book.] is one of two hugely controversial European novels that have recently been translated and published in the U.S. THE KINDLY ONES (French) is the massive tome---a memoir by an ex-Nazi SS member. The other book is WETLANDS, German, a "feminist" novel apparently controversial for her explicit & graphic subjects and writing. Both were highly praised by European critics---not so much this side of the pond.
However--always a fan of l-o-n-g, complex novels, I have them both on my future reading list once they come out in paperback.
Two related points:
>Another massive but brilliant novel I want to read is INFINITE JEST, the magnum opus of still another recent tragic, mind-numbing suicide, the author Dave Eggers [Ed.: in the next letter he corrects himself and says he mis-typed and knows the author is David Foster Wallace.], who killed himself last year.
>Haven't really mentioned what else can be sent in here. Paperback books -- any size--so long as they are sent from a publisher or bookstore. A relative of mine routinely uses AMAZON.com. Same with individual copies of magazines/sent from a bookstore. And of course, subscriptions to newspapers and magazines are fine.
God and religion: As you might surmise from my comments on the Cistercians, I think of religion as an individual, contemplative, meditative act. Organized mega-religions seem to have a fairly awful track record historically & currently. More on this as we get to know each other more closely.
Thanks again for your lovely photo! To answer your question, I would very much like to see other photos--whether "hard copies" or printed out like your "K**** Jewelry Designs" tag. Again, I understand the color printer problem. Send whatever you can, when you can, KK! Feel free to include Mini if you like! He seems to be at your side much of the time anyway!
Hey, I actually finished your first letter! OMG! When I write again (like tomorrow) - your second letter plus Mike Tyson film. <All the reviews have been simply brilliant!>
You take care & be safe. Hope to hear from you again soon---and more from me later tonight. Be well, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Hello again! Let me finish what we were talking about yesterday, and then return to your first letter...then again: "Men Plan, God Laughs", so we'll see if I can make that happen, given your letters' strange power to make me wander far and wide...
Once again, sorry you were "floored" by the very tragic story of another "KK". But they're only initials--and as I tried to make clear, it seems that every girl or woman with those initials in whatever combination claims them as her own. And again, why not? The alliteration is irresistible. So far I have not met people with identical names, both beginning with "K".
Much sadder is the inevitable fallout from suicide. The accusations and blame came years later...You are so right--that "suicide is always such a tragedy"; especially for those who remain to try to ponder the almost always unknowable: WHY? As you can imagine, her family struggled with that at the time, and I'm sure continue to do so today. I was reading a story, reprinted from the Times about the fallout from the recent suicide of Nicholas Hughes, son of Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes--and already there is analysis & recriminations from the [sometimes] fanatical followers of Ms. Plath and those who knew Mr. Hughes only as the brilliant scientist he was.
Anyway, thank you for your condolences. But I am fine (not ecstatic, but OK!) talking about it--now. And to repeat: I'm not squeamish about it; you did not upset me; and nothing you could ask could "irk" me. I totally understand your curiosity---just as I am very curious about the side of you that is a "very dark person who knows the pain of life". I want to explore that completely if you will allow us to do so. And of course, I promise to let you explore & know me as deeply as you wish. With that in mind-let me return to your first letter, and begin with the question of dating: Did you have a type?
***
Trying to be objective-I would say no, insofar as a particular "look" is concerned; but the mind & brain are something else again. Sexuality and sensuality are far more than looks and appearance--intelligence, curiosity, sense of humor, and an ability & willingness to commit totally emotionally...But I have strong feeling that you know that. [KK--What this means is of course a whole other letter or letters!] But again, as I mentioned yesterday, it's been my experience that relatively few men and women are willing to explore that depth of a relationship.
Wow! Hope I'm not getting too deep in the weeds here, but I did want to answer... Continuing with your letter:
David Sedaris: I am familiar with what he writes, but I've not had the pleasure of reading any of his books. I've read some excerpts and reviews and (I think) some short pieces--and what I read was very funny. Do send that most recent New Yorker piece, about the train-smoking, low-life crush.
[On a related note--and trying to provide you with a glimpse into dealing with incarceration: Laughing & humor are very important to both physical & mental health. By now I can probably tell you the plotlines ++ of all 180 Seinfeld episodes and many more. We've already discussed STARVED...how about ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA?]
With the dark & the bleak...plus humor...can you imagine that black comedy is one of my favorites.
Thanks for the New York magazine piece on Cindy Sherman, et. al. Plus I like your attitude about New York, KK! I actually like your attitude about most everything. By the way, the other New York stories with Cindy Sherman's were also intriguing, especially one of the true survivors: Larry Kramer. I've followed his life story (or tried to) since reading the late Randy Shilt's landmark work on the early days of the AIDS pandemic: And The Band Played On
Look forward to whatever you can send re Cindy Sherman & her work. Good luck with your printer.
[A brief but important aside: Some day the full story of the greatest pandemic since the Black Plague will be told. AIDS of course. And especially the utterly shameful neglect & ignorance of the 1980s in America. With no leadership at all from those entrusted with health care and common sense.
There is easily an entire letter on this subject, but let me go for now.]
As you may recall "Hell Hole" focused on several state facilities. Much, much better here in comparison. No roommates. As much as I can, will try to give you a sense of the "experience" in a future letter(s). You might be surprised (or maybe not, you are very perceptive) that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Pretty much go non-stop M-F---and catch up on weekends.
THE KINDLY ONES by Jonathan Lithell [Ed.: Both Swango and Whitaker both seem highly interested in this book.] is one of two hugely controversial European novels that have recently been translated and published in the U.S. THE KINDLY ONES (French) is the massive tome---a memoir by an ex-Nazi SS member. The other book is WETLANDS
However--always a fan of l-o-n-g, complex novels, I have them both on my future reading list once they come out in paperback.
Two related points:
>Another massive but brilliant novel I want to read is INFINITE JEST, the magnum opus of still another recent tragic, mind-numbing suicide, the author Dave Eggers [Ed.: in the next letter he corrects himself and says he mis-typed and knows the author is David Foster Wallace.], who killed himself last year.
>Haven't really mentioned what else can be sent in here. Paperback books -- any size--so long as they are sent from a publisher or bookstore. A relative of mine routinely uses AMAZON.com. Same with individual copies of magazines/sent from a bookstore. And of course, subscriptions to newspapers and magazines are fine.
God and religion: As you might surmise from my comments on the Cistercians, I think of religion as an individual, contemplative, meditative act. Organized mega-religions seem to have a fairly awful track record historically & currently. More on this as we get to know each other more closely.
Thanks again for your lovely photo! To answer your question, I would very much like to see other photos--whether "hard copies" or printed out like your "K**** Jewelry Designs" tag. Again, I understand the color printer problem. Send whatever you can, when you can, KK! Feel free to include Mini if you like! He seems to be at your side much of the time anyway!
Hey, I actually finished your first letter! OMG! When I write again (like tomorrow) - your second letter plus Mike Tyson film. <All the reviews have been simply brilliant!>
You take care & be safe. Hope to hear from you again soon---and more from me later tonight. Be well, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Michael Swango:
I just got FOUR letters today in my mailbox from Michael Swango. I thought this is interesting to note. In the past, sometimes I'd get two in one day, but four seems a bit excessive.
It will take me quite some time to type them all up. Not only are his full of formatting--the abundant underlining he does takes time to do on a computer via HTML---but they also really long. Many are 9 pages.
I realize that on Tumblr you cannot see the underlining so you are missing a key element to his correspondence. I have also posted pictures of his writing here, but again, Tumblr doesn't seem to show jpgs on the password-only site.
I will be moving this whole blog to Blogspot where it is easier for readers to read from the beginning and see formatting. When I do so I will alert you so you can email me for the password or invite.
It will take me quite some time to type them all up. Not only are his full of formatting--the abundant underlining he does takes time to do on a computer via HTML---but they also really long. Many are 9 pages.
I realize that on Tumblr you cannot see the underlining so you are missing a key element to his correspondence. I have also posted pictures of his writing here, but again, Tumblr doesn't seem to show jpgs on the password-only site.
I will be moving this whole blog to Blogspot where it is easier for readers to read from the beginning and see formatting. When I do so I will alert you so you can email me for the password or invite.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to TBW, #5
Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,
I just got your letter. I’m so happy to hear from you. Apparently you wrote it on the 5th but I mailed you one on the 5th so I hope you got that one too by now.
I’m not too scared of the silliness that is the swine flu. No one here seems to notice. With all the crazy bacteria all over this City I don’t think anyone is too concerned. I did, however, have food poisoning about two weeks ago and thought I was going to die. It was awful.
I get why you would fall into periods of depression or feeling antisocial. But please keep writing. Even if it really does come down to a : “Howdy Kelly. Still here, XOXO. Thomas” type of thing. From different circumstances, of course, there are times when I feel incapable of writing anything. I hate that feeling. Like I’ll write a blog entry, and it is forced or an email to someone, and it is just so hard that I wonder if it is coherent at all. Like do they understand what I’m trying to convey? I feel like that when I write to you too sometimes.
I think the only way to be inspired to write, or inspired to do anything, really, is to submerge yourself into some form of art. Music, films, books… I know you definitely have a big deficit of art where you are, but honestly, most art comes out of pain anyway, and I assume you have a big heap of that. So try your hardest to let it inspire you.
For example, there was this like 8000 word essay in the New York Times Magazine by Daphne Merkin (famous memoirist) that was so totally overindulgent and played. I mean, I suffer from depression too and do not discount how awful it can be. However, this was like an exercise in narcissism. She didn’t say anything new, and I was generally unimpressed. Lauren Slater (Prozac Diary) has written way more eloquently about it; Hell, Elizabath Wurtzel has too. (Prozac Nation.) Anyway, I’ll Google the article now and see if I can print it out for you so you can see what I mean. Today I read all these blogs saying the same thing I thought. She did, however, use her depression and inability to do anything to eventually write a long missive on just that. That I admire. I admire she had the gumption and wherewithal to actually get published in the NYT Magazine and have the cover story. Even with a topic that is played out. [Ed.: If you want to read the article I was referring to and that I printed out for him here it is: A Journey Through Darkness]
Everyone keeps mentioning Lithell’s controversial book, “The Kindly Ones,” and I looked it up, but it doesn’t seem appealing to me.
I just read a really interesting book called THE KEY. It was self-published by Whitley Strieber so it is hard to get, but was really worth it. Whitley Strieber was a science fiction writer for years and then had some odd experiences he began to write about under the genre of non-fiction. I have read all his non-fiction stuff and much of it deals with extraterrestrials, weather changes and metaphysics. He wrote the book, The Coming of the Global Superstorm which was the basis for that cheesy action movie, Day After Tomorrow. Anyway, The Key discusses what he believes happens to you when you die. It seemed very close to what I have always thought. What do you think happens to you when we die? I am not religious at all. In fact I loath religion—not God—but religion. I absolutely believe in God but not the conventions of religion. If that makes any sense… I don’t want to bore you by going on and on about what I believe…
I hope you enter that short story contest! Can you send me what you submit? I want to see. If you actually won money, isn’t that a problem? Isn’t there a law that prevents inmates from making any money? If you want to submit a story about a love, relationship, dating event to New York Press, let me know. I can give you the details of how to do so. They take all submissions—850 words max----and they pick the best for their weekly column. As you know I used to write the dating/sex column for them. They now don’t have a writer doing it. Now they do Flavor of the Week where people just submit a dating/sex/relationship column (you’ve read some of mine) and the best gets published. Worth a shot. It’s just a stamp, right? At first they had to center around NYC, but I have recently seen a few that are written by people from other places. One written by an inmate would probably raise some eyebrows. Just a thought. If you want to see some of the ones recently published, I can send them on. Let me know.
In my letter from May 5th I wrote all about seeing the 20/20 special with you and your Dad in it. If for some reason you didn’t get that letter, let me know and I’ll resend my thoughts/questions on it.
It has not been warm enough hear to go to the pool and besides it doesn’t open until the last week of June and this year on June 28th I’m going to Alaska on a cruise. So the pool will have to wait until at least July 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.
As for the “loss and longing…” I had a very odd childhood—I’ll tell you about it sometime---so I totally am a pretty dark person in ways. And I certainly have dated some interesting characters to say the least. Again, I tend not to write too much about myself to you because you are far more interesting than I am. You situation is pretty unusual. I’m just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing. Just like a billion others.
I have tons going on. Tons of projects—writing and otherwise. Some fun, some not so fun. This week alone I have a press event I’m hosting for a client, then Wednesday night I’m going to see God of Carnage on Broadway starring James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Hope Davis and Marcia Gay Harden. It has gotten great reviews, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Then a friend invited me to a cocktail party for Bobbi Brown (she has a makeup line) so I’ll get to wear a pretty dress and drink champagne. Then Saturday is my bday. All I want to do, though, is lay in bed and read and watch movies.
Glad you liked my Goa story. It’s a great place. I was there for three weeks over Xmas/New Years in ’07.
I see that you finally have a blog entry up. Apparently, you wrote, that you tried unsuccessfully to get it up for a while. Anyway, I’m so interested in this psychological interview. What did they ask or do? What was the dr. like? What was the purpose of their evaluation? I want details! I’m sure you are bored of writing about it after the long entry, but did you ever find out what they have concluded about your psychological makeup? I suspect because the word “sociopath” is tossed about in many things written about you they were trying to see if that was really your diagnosis. Not sure how they go about doing that. Anyway, I hope that the result was one that you were okay with.
I’m including a short funny story from the New Yorker that cracked me up. It’s called “Making Friends” and it is about a plane trip from Hell.
I’m also including a tiny black and white picture of myself. It is from ’04. All the recent pictures I have of myself are on my computer and I could print them out, but don’t’ have a color printer right now. It’s me on my wedding day—found a bunch of them in my drawer and figured I’d send on alone so you can see a bit better who you’ve been typing to. I’ll try to send a recent color one soon. I’ll probably have a bunch taken this week b/c of my bday. In fact I have to get a professional headshot taken this week so I’ll send you on of the proofs if you want.
Anyway, adios for now.
Kelly
I just got your letter. I’m so happy to hear from you. Apparently you wrote it on the 5th but I mailed you one on the 5th so I hope you got that one too by now.
I’m not too scared of the silliness that is the swine flu. No one here seems to notice. With all the crazy bacteria all over this City I don’t think anyone is too concerned. I did, however, have food poisoning about two weeks ago and thought I was going to die. It was awful.
I get why you would fall into periods of depression or feeling antisocial. But please keep writing. Even if it really does come down to a : “Howdy Kelly. Still here, XOXO. Thomas” type of thing. From different circumstances, of course, there are times when I feel incapable of writing anything. I hate that feeling. Like I’ll write a blog entry, and it is forced or an email to someone, and it is just so hard that I wonder if it is coherent at all. Like do they understand what I’m trying to convey? I feel like that when I write to you too sometimes.
I think the only way to be inspired to write, or inspired to do anything, really, is to submerge yourself into some form of art. Music, films, books… I know you definitely have a big deficit of art where you are, but honestly, most art comes out of pain anyway, and I assume you have a big heap of that. So try your hardest to let it inspire you.
For example, there was this like 8000 word essay in the New York Times Magazine by Daphne Merkin (famous memoirist) that was so totally overindulgent and played. I mean, I suffer from depression too and do not discount how awful it can be. However, this was like an exercise in narcissism. She didn’t say anything new, and I was generally unimpressed. Lauren Slater (Prozac Diary) has written way more eloquently about it; Hell, Elizabath Wurtzel has too. (Prozac Nation.) Anyway, I’ll Google the article now and see if I can print it out for you so you can see what I mean. Today I read all these blogs saying the same thing I thought. She did, however, use her depression and inability to do anything to eventually write a long missive on just that. That I admire. I admire she had the gumption and wherewithal to actually get published in the NYT Magazine and have the cover story. Even with a topic that is played out. [Ed.: If you want to read the article I was referring to and that I printed out for him here it is: A Journey Through Darkness]
Everyone keeps mentioning Lithell’s controversial book, “The Kindly Ones,” and I looked it up, but it doesn’t seem appealing to me.
I just read a really interesting book called THE KEY. It was self-published by Whitley Strieber so it is hard to get, but was really worth it. Whitley Strieber was a science fiction writer for years and then had some odd experiences he began to write about under the genre of non-fiction. I have read all his non-fiction stuff and much of it deals with extraterrestrials, weather changes and metaphysics. He wrote the book, The Coming of the Global Superstorm which was the basis for that cheesy action movie, Day After Tomorrow. Anyway, The Key discusses what he believes happens to you when you die. It seemed very close to what I have always thought. What do you think happens to you when we die? I am not religious at all. In fact I loath religion—not God—but religion. I absolutely believe in God but not the conventions of religion. If that makes any sense… I don’t want to bore you by going on and on about what I believe…
I hope you enter that short story contest! Can you send me what you submit? I want to see. If you actually won money, isn’t that a problem? Isn’t there a law that prevents inmates from making any money? If you want to submit a story about a love, relationship, dating event to New York Press, let me know. I can give you the details of how to do so. They take all submissions—850 words max----and they pick the best for their weekly column. As you know I used to write the dating/sex column for them. They now don’t have a writer doing it. Now they do Flavor of the Week where people just submit a dating/sex/relationship column (you’ve read some of mine) and the best gets published. Worth a shot. It’s just a stamp, right? At first they had to center around NYC, but I have recently seen a few that are written by people from other places. One written by an inmate would probably raise some eyebrows. Just a thought. If you want to see some of the ones recently published, I can send them on. Let me know.
In my letter from May 5th I wrote all about seeing the 20/20 special with you and your Dad in it. If for some reason you didn’t get that letter, let me know and I’ll resend my thoughts/questions on it.
It has not been warm enough hear to go to the pool and besides it doesn’t open until the last week of June and this year on June 28th I’m going to Alaska on a cruise. So the pool will have to wait until at least July 6th. I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.
As for the “loss and longing…” I had a very odd childhood—I’ll tell you about it sometime---so I totally am a pretty dark person in ways. And I certainly have dated some interesting characters to say the least. Again, I tend not to write too much about myself to you because you are far more interesting than I am. You situation is pretty unusual. I’m just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing. Just like a billion others.
I have tons going on. Tons of projects—writing and otherwise. Some fun, some not so fun. This week alone I have a press event I’m hosting for a client, then Wednesday night I’m going to see God of Carnage on Broadway starring James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Hope Davis and Marcia Gay Harden. It has gotten great reviews, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Then a friend invited me to a cocktail party for Bobbi Brown (she has a makeup line) so I’ll get to wear a pretty dress and drink champagne. Then Saturday is my bday. All I want to do, though, is lay in bed and read and watch movies.
Glad you liked my Goa story. It’s a great place. I was there for three weeks over Xmas/New Years in ’07.
I see that you finally have a blog entry up. Apparently, you wrote, that you tried unsuccessfully to get it up for a while. Anyway, I’m so interested in this psychological interview. What did they ask or do? What was the dr. like? What was the purpose of their evaluation? I want details! I’m sure you are bored of writing about it after the long entry, but did you ever find out what they have concluded about your psychological makeup? I suspect because the word “sociopath” is tossed about in many things written about you they were trying to see if that was really your diagnosis. Not sure how they go about doing that. Anyway, I hope that the result was one that you were okay with.
I’m including a short funny story from the New Yorker that cracked me up. It’s called “Making Friends” and it is about a plane trip from Hell.
I’m also including a tiny black and white picture of myself. It is from ’04. All the recent pictures I have of myself are on my computer and I could print them out, but don’t’ have a color printer right now. It’s me on my wedding day—found a bunch of them in my drawer and figured I’d send on alone so you can see a bit better who you’ve been typing to. I’ll try to send a recent color one soon. I’ll probably have a bunch taken this week b/c of my bday. In fact I have to get a professional headshot taken this week so I’ll send you on of the proofs if you want.
Anyway, adios for now.
Kelly
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #5
Dear Kelly,
Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.
Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.
I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.
Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.
I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.
I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?
Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)
Yours,
TBW
Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.
Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.
I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.
Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.
I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.
I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?
Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)
Yours,
TBW
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #17
Dear KK---
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #13
Hello Michael,
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
