Dear Kelly,
Saw this article in the Biblical Archaelology Review and thought of you for two reasons. One, of course, you are a frequent flyer to the Met, and this mosaic carpet from Rome will be displayed there soon. We get excited about a vintage 1960s coat or table--only 50 years old. Or are in awe at medieval art and architecture and here is a beautifully preserved mosaic almost 2000 years old. It amazes me. I can see why archaelogists love their jobs. To be able to piece together history with some accuracy from the earth is neat. I love reading NatGeo. I imagine inm 500 or 1000 years, when archaelogists dig us up, what they will think. I always find it so interesting when they have to lump someting into a century. (5th century AD or 1200-1000 BC), because people, things, culture, inventions, etc. didn't change so rapidly. The future diggers lumping two cars inot the 20th century -- one could be a Model T and the other a hybrid SUV. Seems odd that the future could be so drastically different that such a lumping would seem appropriate.
The other thing, actually, the main thing that had me think of you was the last part of the article on manna. I heart they were reproducing it, but it seems that New York dining has captured it. I know you like to try different foods and will travel great lengths for them, so if you do find a place with manna on the menu, and you try it, let me know. It's probably at some retardedly expensive restaurant.
I hope to hear from you tonight with Amir news and what you think of those anagrams I sent.
Commissary was just delivered so I have stamps and paper to fill up my weekend of writing. I also sent a manilla envelopeto an attorney willing to look at my case. Things are coming together. I'm also doing research for the petition and yesterday created an inspirational folder to store my work in. Some are serious and encouraging. Some are retarded and funny. If I were at home, I'd just scan them to you. My humor is way better in person.
Have you seen these clothes recycling boxes?
MON:
I got the letter I was hoping was on the way from you. :-)
You are so prompt.
Of course you are right. But aye, there's the rub. Wanna know why? Because everyone wants to be right and look good. If you are right then that means someone else is wrong.
Amir says he misses you and your wit. You say you miss sleeping next to him because it's better than sleeping with the dog.
That's funny. Witty!
Then you make him wrong for missing you but not choosing you. And he runs away. Slow or not, nobody wants to be wrong, especially not rich, good looking men. It's an ego thing.
You are funnier than a well-timed fart.
Can you tell I"ve been working on my creative writing? I was going to write, "You are really funny, " but then I thought how funny is really funny? That doesn't illicit any feelings of funnyness. Falls and farts, when done accidentally or with great finesse, are endlessly funny. I never tire of them.
Just FYI, I am on the can while writing this. It reminds me that I have essentially been locked inside a bathroom for almost two years. Try that and see if it doesn't fuck you up. And there are three men in Angola who've been in the hole for 37 years for killing a prison guard. Glad I only copulated with one.
I'm stuck here, expelling foul gas and branflake turds. Maybe that's a little much for you, but I find the digestive system quite fascinating. I ate two bowls of bran flakes and sunflower seeds for three days and now it finally made its way through. I feel like that is a little slow. I think I have handicapped intestines.
I had to lok up Sisyphean, which took longer because I didn't know what I was looking for and you were in such a rush that you shirked spellcheck. (Not a problem. Make me work for it!) Great word! Endlessly laborious and futile. That's Criminial Justice Reform.
People stereotype waitresses, hostesses and strippers for being of less than average intelligence. Not the bartender, though. Everyone knows that the bartender is the smartest motherfucker in the house.
Have you thought about consulting a psychic about what to do for employment? Or asking your dreams to give you guidance? I mean, I'm sure it won't require the sacrifice of a chicken or any other warm-blooded animal. Maybe a few cockroaches though.
Just a suggestion: If you call Amir and ask to get together for his advice, I think it could be very good.
1) Amir wants to se you.
2) You want to see Amir.
3) You say it is embarassing and he may lose respect for you. That is a story you made up in your head out of fear and ego. By asking his advice, he gets to be RIGHT and you get answers. You wouldn't be embarassed to go to your gyno about your period being heavy. You have an employment problem. He may have answers.
4) If you can get through without even mentioning his lack of commitment, he will begin to covet you, your every molecule. Bring up "girlfriend" and you blow it up. Back to square one.
5) If you two screw and you don't bring up commitment, he will being to worship you.
If at anytime you feel I am worng, that it is not working, your strategy of nagging him is one sentence away.
I feel like that whole last section was bitchy sounding. Was it?
You have a legitimate problem and a valid fear. Let him help you.
Thank you for the clipart of the Greek mythological people.
I think it's cool you got to be around famous people, just because it is nice to see they are just people. But if I were you, I wouldn't have a clue. I'd serve a martini to Steven Spielberg or a European prince and not have a clue. I hope you din'dt have to stand in heels all day. Dr. Scholls makes fantastic insoles for high heels.
I got a money order from my mom and asked my friend to send me $6 a month to cover the cost of postage, paper and envelopes. We write like three letters per week. So I'[m good for a few weeks. No, in lock the prison doesn't give us money. In population if you want a job, you earn anywhere from 12 cents to 25 cents per hour, depending on your hob. If you don't have fmaily you live off the $15 a month you earn from your prison job. The State provides pads, toilet paper, 2 stamped envelopes, bar soap and shampoo to people who live off the State's pay. Anything else--paper, pens, stamps, deodorant, toothpaste, vitamens, razors, coffee, etc. you buy on your own. When I was at Rockville and had a lot of money, I would buy hygienes and snacks for people who lived off that bullshit $3 a week. You can't even buy a box of tampons with that. There were solme months that I had $1000 on my books. And some months that I had only $10. Money comes. Money goes. Right now, I"m swimming at the bottom of the barrel, but I know I"ll always have what I need. That's why I try to live simply.
Yay! Red table! The Universe loves you!
I love the anagram thing. Glad you liked what I picked out. I ran over the letters in another person's (whom I don't really know) name and it came out pretty spot-on. Neat stuff!
I didn't occur to me that you don't know about my legal affairs. I just spent months working on a legal packet for an attorney, and just today, hours on devleoping legal arguments. What it boils down to is that I was over-convicted because of an unethical prosecutor, a lying snitch, and a conspiracy by my co-defendant and another man to frame me as the principle. Since my conviction, I've been collecting the exculpatory evidence to show that I was railroaded and , essentially, framed, including blatent testimony by my ex-boyfriend saying tha the killed them and set me up for it. Recently, I've found a way to prove he is telling the truth--through forensic analysis. Stay tuned for the next episode.
Sarah
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #93-95
Ed: So I have about 20 pages of letters from Swango. I will only be typing things I find noteworthy. I generally omit any pop culture commentary unless it is interesting.
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! No letters from you for longer than usual. Even if you're enjoying a vacation in the Hamptons or the Caribbean or the south of France (well, maybe not the latter) you must send me a letter from one of your exotic locales. In any event, still much to discuss with you from your earlier letters...and of course, always new things and new films to talk to you about and solicit your always interesting opinions.
Meant to write more earlier in the week. Unfortunately, now Thursday--so let me get righ tto it, as I will probably have to stop sooner than I'd like:
[Ed.: Omitting discussion of articles he'd like me to send him.]
KK--you are probably familiar with Mr. Hitchens. He writes so much you are bound to have read something by him. Very controversial, but brilliant writing. Whether I agree with his opinions or not (i.e. He was a big supporter of the Iraq War fiasco)--I always read him when I get the chance.
Anyway, he's been diagnosed with an aggressive dangerous tumor, and is undergoing chemo/radiation. I saw a recent long interview with him on Charlie Rose. You may know that he is absolutely a confirmed atheist.
[Ed.: I'm omitting three pages of film listings he would like me to see and tell him about if possible.]
***
Dear Kelly,
Two of your always interesting and intriguing letters have arrived at the same time with at least one big surprise to me--so let me write what I can now/and write more tomorrow.
>YOU are such a fascinating woman with an AWESOME apartment. My God, when you said black, white and red, you weren't kidding! Or as the writer of the article said: your "insanely color-coordinated pad." WOW!
Maybe it's my own OCD tendencies & somewhat "organized" personality, but I was mesmerized by the photos...the checks, the stripes, the sharp angles... of course an an eight ball on your red table on top of the zebra-stripe rug!
Trust me, KK---I am not an interior-decorating oriented person---probably just the opposite, if I am honest about any place I've lived without a female presence...but I could not take my eyes off my photos.
And tell Matthew Williams that the photo of you sitting demurely on your color-coordinated bedroom...is very, very sexy. Say what you want about imagination, but that photo screams sexuality. And by the way, Ms. Kreth, that is a good thing---a very good thing.
When you can as time permits, do send the additional photos and your acerbic witty commentary.
Again---thanks for that. Very cool!
***
[About a movie made about him.]
Now to my "stopped" in mid-sentence surprise. This was in your letter written on stationary & two postcards:
KK--I did not know there had been a movie made. Are you serious? Are you sure it wasn't just a brief snippet " re-enactment" from one of the multiple "True Crime" shows?
So these comments to start:
- I did not know/and to honestly answer your question: I am quite surprised. Several years ago I received a letter from a person in the film business, who told me he had been at a meeting in 01 or 02 regarding possible treatment for several crime-related films---either theater or TV. Apparently, my sad tale was discussed, and was ultimately not taken further for there key reasons:
- Not visually dramatic
- No witnesses
- Too many unknowns
So--can I ask you to tell me where the full film can be accessed? When was it made and what is the title? I must admit being genuinely curious. But, Kelly: With that said, you do know that and purported scene between myself & Kristin must be total speculation---since no one , but me, sadly, could say what happened.
"Scary & chilling." Really? You can't say that without telling me exactly what was shown. Anyway, sorry it had that effect on you.
If you are willing--our discussions of this film could help to give you some of those insights you wish to have.
So tell me more please. I still can't believe it.
[Ed. Omitting movie commentary.]
P.S. OMG Kelly--your summer malaise really showed in a coupld of your letters. My poor baby---would love to cheer you up with a long conversation---I know I could because I do get some of you at least :-). Next time I'll tell you how to tap into your inner "teen-age girl". My theory is that we all have one and survival and happiness are tied directly to it!
See---didn't even mention sex---you judge me far too easily!
XOXO
---Michael
***
[Ed.: I'm omitting the compulsive underlining in this last one.]
Dear Kelly---
While watching the most recent "Louie" I could not help but think of you and your many insightful & funny comments on the dating scene in Gotham---especially for 30-something females!
Has it finally come to this? That random men now come to your workplace and literally follow you home? Watching Louie fumble his incredibly clumsy comments on black women was hilarious!
[Ed.: Omitting discussion on M. Night Shyamalan and Twilight.]
I have been at the scene of many motorcycle accidents, many of them fatal, many of them gruesome. Driver and passenger almost always injured to some degree. And yes, I know that road rash is one of the most painful injuries you can have.
So you are right. Could have been so much worse.
South of Springfield IL in Chatham---hi speed cycle crash after midnight. Driver dead with gray matter everywhhere--no helmet.
West Quincy, MO--Weekday moring rush hour about 7:30am. Motor cycle vs. car: Cyclist helmet conscious but in shock. Lower leg 30 feet away. We were first on the scene. Treated him/ got ice from 7/11 for the leg and hauled ass. Finally--with what I know about you, your time spent lying helpless and not in control in a municipal trauma center--probably in the hallway somewhere--must have been excrutiating & terrifying for you on so many levels... That is one day you will never forget.
By the way, I still have six-word memoirs and Die! blog on my list. I will submit.
I must make one more serious comment. In one of your letters from early August, I could truly feel your rather savagely acute depression. I could make a flippant comment like "you could use some more inner teen-age girl, etc." but I take depressive illness really seriously...I know you find this hard to believe given my history, but I feel genuine empathy & wish I could make it go away.
I"m a huge believer in the SSRI class of anti-depressants.
I will continue to talk to you as much as possible, on as many subjects as possible, hopefully amusing you and infuriating you in equal measure! Anything to keep that marvelous brain of yours engaged!
So you take care, Sunshine. Still have more to write re your letters---and will keep writing until we catch up...but by then more letters from you. Wouldn't have it any other way. Thinking of you, KK. Stay cool and stay safe.
XOXO
Yours,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! No letters from you for longer than usual. Even if you're enjoying a vacation in the Hamptons or the Caribbean or the south of France (well, maybe not the latter) you must send me a letter from one of your exotic locales. In any event, still much to discuss with you from your earlier letters...and of course, always new things and new films to talk to you about and solicit your always interesting opinions.
Meant to write more earlier in the week. Unfortunately, now Thursday--so let me get righ tto it, as I will probably have to stop sooner than I'd like:
[Ed.: Omitting discussion of articles he'd like me to send him.]
KK--you are probably familiar with Mr. Hitchens. He writes so much you are bound to have read something by him. Very controversial, but brilliant writing. Whether I agree with his opinions or not (i.e. He was a big supporter of the Iraq War fiasco)--I always read him when I get the chance.
Anyway, he's been diagnosed with an aggressive dangerous tumor, and is undergoing chemo/radiation. I saw a recent long interview with him on Charlie Rose. You may know that he is absolutely a confirmed atheist.
[Ed.: I'm omitting three pages of film listings he would like me to see and tell him about if possible.]
***
Dear Kelly,
Two of your always interesting and intriguing letters have arrived at the same time with at least one big surprise to me--so let me write what I can now/and write more tomorrow.
>YOU are such a fascinating woman with an AWESOME apartment. My God, when you said black, white and red, you weren't kidding! Or as the writer of the article said: your "insanely color-coordinated pad." WOW!
Maybe it's my own OCD tendencies & somewhat "organized" personality, but I was mesmerized by the photos...the checks, the stripes, the sharp angles... of course an an eight ball on your red table on top of the zebra-stripe rug!
Trust me, KK---I am not an interior-decorating oriented person---probably just the opposite, if I am honest about any place I've lived without a female presence...but I could not take my eyes off my photos.
And tell Matthew Williams that the photo of you sitting demurely on your color-coordinated bedroom...is very, very sexy. Say what you want about imagination, but that photo screams sexuality. And by the way, Ms. Kreth, that is a good thing---a very good thing.
When you can as time permits, do send the additional photos and your acerbic witty commentary.
Again---thanks for that. Very cool!
***
[About a movie made about him.]
Now to my "stopped" in mid-sentence surprise. This was in your letter written on stationary & two postcards:
KK--I did not know there had been a movie made. Are you serious? Are you sure it wasn't just a brief snippet " re-enactment" from one of the multiple "True Crime" shows?
So these comments to start:
- I did not know/and to honestly answer your question: I am quite surprised. Several years ago I received a letter from a person in the film business, who told me he had been at a meeting in 01 or 02 regarding possible treatment for several crime-related films---either theater or TV. Apparently, my sad tale was discussed, and was ultimately not taken further for there key reasons:
- Not visually dramatic
- No witnesses
- Too many unknowns
So--can I ask you to tell me where the full film can be accessed? When was it made and what is the title? I must admit being genuinely curious. But, Kelly: With that said, you do know that and purported scene between myself & Kristin must be total speculation---since no one , but me, sadly, could say what happened.
"Scary & chilling." Really? You can't say that without telling me exactly what was shown. Anyway, sorry it had that effect on you.
If you are willing--our discussions of this film could help to give you some of those insights you wish to have.
So tell me more please. I still can't believe it.
[Ed. Omitting movie commentary.]
P.S. OMG Kelly--your summer malaise really showed in a coupld of your letters. My poor baby---would love to cheer you up with a long conversation---I know I could because I do get some of you at least :-). Next time I'll tell you how to tap into your inner "teen-age girl". My theory is that we all have one and survival and happiness are tied directly to it!
See---didn't even mention sex---you judge me far too easily!
XOXO
---Michael
***
[Ed.: I'm omitting the compulsive underlining in this last one.]
Dear Kelly---
While watching the most recent "Louie" I could not help but think of you and your many insightful & funny comments on the dating scene in Gotham---especially for 30-something females!
Has it finally come to this? That random men now come to your workplace and literally follow you home? Watching Louie fumble his incredibly clumsy comments on black women was hilarious!
[Ed.: Omitting discussion on M. Night Shyamalan and Twilight.]
I have been at the scene of many motorcycle accidents, many of them fatal, many of them gruesome. Driver and passenger almost always injured to some degree. And yes, I know that road rash is one of the most painful injuries you can have.
So you are right. Could have been so much worse.
South of Springfield IL in Chatham---hi speed cycle crash after midnight. Driver dead with gray matter everywhhere--no helmet.
West Quincy, MO--Weekday moring rush hour about 7:30am. Motor cycle vs. car: Cyclist helmet conscious but in shock. Lower leg 30 feet away. We were first on the scene. Treated him/ got ice from 7/11 for the leg and hauled ass. Finally--with what I know about you, your time spent lying helpless and not in control in a municipal trauma center--probably in the hallway somewhere--must have been excrutiating & terrifying for you on so many levels... That is one day you will never forget.
By the way, I still have six-word memoirs and Die! blog on my list. I will submit.
I must make one more serious comment. In one of your letters from early August, I could truly feel your rather savagely acute depression. I could make a flippant comment like "you could use some more inner teen-age girl, etc." but I take depressive illness really seriously...I know you find this hard to believe given my history, but I feel genuine empathy & wish I could make it go away.
I"m a huge believer in the SSRI class of anti-depressants.
I will continue to talk to you as much as possible, on as many subjects as possible, hopefully amusing you and infuriating you in equal measure! Anything to keep that marvelous brain of yours engaged!
So you take care, Sunshine. Still have more to write re your letters---and will keep writing until we catch up...but by then more letters from you. Wouldn't have it any other way. Thinking of you, KK. Stay cool and stay safe.
XOXO
Yours,
Michael
***
Friday, September 17, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #43 & 44
Dear Kelly,
It's just past 6pm and I feel more energetic than I have for a few weeks. This is after a wek of fighting a lingering migraine. Tuesday I was vomiting, crying and aksin gGod to just go ahead and kill me swiftly. Obviously the Universe wants to continue to torture me while I discover my life's purpose and fulfill it with flair. This week I have tried meditating, connecting with my quantum, non-local spirit self and identify with ancient archtetypes to guide my inner intent/self.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
I've identified with Daedalus (engineer), Nike (goddess of victory) and Persephone (vegetation/death). Hey, if there's some good or visual images you can find on the internet for me, I could use them. I'm supposed to have images for reinforcement. I'm also looking at my dreams more closely and paying attention to what comes out of m mouth. What coversations I am creating. WE do live out of a lot of self-fulfillment. If so, I'm creating more of my own prophecies and livign an exciting life.
Stupid fucking Amir.
Ashton K. turned out to be the product of today's societal norms. No integrity. And overuse of texting instead of actual interaction. Stupid boys. Maybe you could find a really masculine dyke and get better results with women.
oooh. Maybe you'll meet a great guy at the US Open. I mean, you keep getting put in situations where you meet successful people, maybe you could find one who is financially AND emotionally stable.
They do exist.
Then you'll forget all about stupid Amir.
Benihana--I went there once when I was 19. It was fun, but I'd enjoy it more now. I was going to a Japanese sushi place the day I got arrestede, but chose the French wine bar instead. I think I made the better choice. I'll try out raw meet and seafood some other time.
Perhaps in Dec. 2013. That's the date I'm declaring to be legally free and out of prison. I named it months and months ago, resulting from a long calculation of possibilities and credits/demerits. I have bee speaking it, as it is widely known that you ask, believe, receive. In the Bible as well as any spiritual text it teaches that acts if it is done. Speak it. Anyway, I had a dream today that my father was driving me down a road and the street post sign said 5 years Road. Later it occurred to me that Dec 2013 is exactly fives years after my return to prison.
I love signs.
Thenight before I escaped I found 9 four leaf clovers in 15 minutes. Two separate women told me that it is meant I was going home in the morning. They had no idea how true that was. I laminated them and took them with me when I left. I had two weeks of freedom for each clover.
Flex [shampoo] is so old. Perhaps if they had updated their 1970s looking bottle, they'd still be selling it. And yes, you are a nut but I still like you. :-) You are a lot of fun.
Take care,
Sarah
Oh hey, I may not write for a little while. I was expecting $200 from my friend last week. $120 to pay for the analyst's official report, an then $80 for my month's expenses like postage and coffee, s hampoo and soap. Well, after she's been telling me for six years that she'll do anything to help me, I ask her to contribute toward the cost of the report. I'm thinking maybe 50 bucks. She offers two hundred. I totally am grateful. First, it gets returned to her for an address problem, now its 10 days later and still nothing, plus I haven't heard from her in a week. I hope she's not sick or hurt. And I hope she's not being funny about the money. It's very, very hard for me to ask people for help, even when they offer. My buddy tells me I need to get over it and swallow my pride and aks, so I do, but then I feel like a beggar if there's any drama around it. I have been so self-sufficient and independent my whole life, always ready to help others. I don't know why this is so hard for me. Anyway, so I let me account get down to twenty dollars because I thought I had money coming. I''d ask my mom and dad to help, and they will, but I don't get why I feel like such a hack for asking for the help that I have freely givne for 20 years. It's some weird life lesson, I guess. Maybe I should have picked a goddess of meony as an archetype.
:-)
***
Dear Kelly,
I received your card with the great magazine article--YOU! Oh how nice it would be to be a media source without it being connected to murder and prison. At the very least, without me being the bad guy. Anyway, I think it's cool as heck that you living is in glossy color. What I really love is that you don't compromise. This isn't some yearly fad for you; black, white and red is your life. I like how the author quotes you without making you sound nutty. The past paragraph where you are quoted, "Oh my God, the Universe is speaking to me!" She thinking you are joking. I don't. I think the Universe speaks to us all the time in coincidences and signs, just like that black, white and red chair you found on the street near your place. Just like the fact that MARRYING is in Amir's full name. And I bet that there are lots of other words inside your name, particularly your maiden name that probably would be another message from the Universe. It's no acciden twhat our parents name us or who we are born to marry.
Once upon a time I believe heavily in the universal signs and message through people and nature. Especially in the six months before I escaped.
I thought about waht you wrote and the last word for you got out of my name was PARDONERS. That inspired me to take a closer look at this name thing. The anagram machine gives you lots of combinations, but I wouldn't just take the longest words. I'd look at combos of smaller words, too, as well as name variations.
For example, I forgot exactly what your maiden name is, but I think it is IMPERATORE. I really wish I knew your middle name, but as soon as I wrote down KELLY IMPERATORE, do you know what I saw? REALTOR!
And I"m not sure that's just about you. You do PR for real estate, realtors, but Amir owns a real-estate--realtor--magazine. And you could not have missed the fact that Amir K shows up in your name.
In fact, I wish I knew your middle name because if it were something like ANGELA [Ed.: My middle name is ANN] you'd spell out his entire name in yours.
Even without a middle name, you still have Amir K and if you have one "A" in your middle name you can spell, "Amir K. Realtor" in one re-arrangement instead of two separate ones, though I don't think it matter. I'll explain later.
I totally love the idea behind your kartoonz. What a great way to communicate to someone on another level, plus make it fun and no so serious. And how smart ot show him that no matter who he picks up, even someone as hot, sexy and fit and amazing as CatWoman/HalleBerry--she'll never compare to your package of qualities.
Amir finally takes it as fate they should be together and they walk off hand in hand....too bad that isn't the end of the story.
Although it has gotten pretty good!
Do you even realize you are just a kartoon---when you say that to him in the kartoon, I realized how brilliant you are.
I takethat last strip you explained to be a clear message of power. You give him the power to drive you nuts and to squish up your insides. Sure, he's incredibly sexy and wealthy and successful, but that isn't where his power lies. His power solely exists inside of you. You grant him that power. If you ceased to pine, his power would cease to exist. It is NOT the other way around.
I wish I knew what stupid thing Amir said on CNBC. It can't be worse than me crying on national tv. At least his SNAFU was funny.
Your insanity is entertaining to me EVERY letter. It is both interesting and enlightening. And better yes, it makes my oddities...(idiosyncracies) appear normal.
Back to the anagrams:
KELLY IMPERATORE: Amir K Realtor---Kelly I. meets real estate businessman AMir K and after several months of dating and fighting and a surrender to fate, AK decides to marry KI but his cheating ways aren't gone for good and discussions of divorce soon loom on the horizon.
AMIR KORANGY: MARRYING KI
KELLY IMPERATORE: TEMPORARILY
AMIR KORANGY: KI ANGRY---Ki is angry at AK for being a perpetual shit and slut and at herself for believing he'd change. AK implores KI to give him another chance but nothing lasts forever.
KELLY IMPERATORE: AK IMPLORE
Perhaps if I had both of your middle names I would have a more detailed story, or at least one with a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings----
I am pretty sure I told you the basics of how I met Rick, my ex-boyfriend. That fates was involved used to be my stand, but now I believe that our futures are a mix of intention manifested and free will chosen with or reithout regard to clues from the Universe about impending danger or good fortune. Looking back, I see how completely correlated events wer in order to bring about what has so far been my past.
With Rick, it was creepy coincidence from Day One.l Out of 25,000 people, I meet him at the concert grounds. Two days later, I meet him again, totally by chance. After a month of searching for him with no luck, on the last day, I say, "If I don't find him today, I'm giving up." A few hours later, I pick him up on the side of the highway. Several other events oddly occurred and he ended up in my bed, where he overslept, missed his plane to CA, and never left. Instead we began a life together. Soon, his friends, Drew and Trish came and we got a place where he ends up shooting them. I did not know either of them very well at all, but I felt a connection to Trish. I pleaded with her to leave her abusive relationship with Drew and go back home to her kids. I cried over her life. And I cried over her death.
I barely knew her last name.
Anyway, this connection is significant when I do the anagrams of Rick's name. Whe he refers to "her" it's Trish. If he refers to "you" it's Trish. If it's both "her" and "you" that means Trish. I refers to himself. Convoluted, but you get it.
With the names, I use both the birth name and any variation used in spelling or nicknames. When I did Rick's I got a lot more than I thought I would. First Rick's middle initial is E. Often he signs, "Rick E. Hull". Immediately I sis KILLER. THen I put out his full birth name: Richard Edward Hull, Junior. OUt of that I saw COWARD LIAR
And then U WILL DIE HARD ROAD
Then I substituted in for what I called him (and his friends/family): Ricky . NOw once I spelled it Richie on a plastic cup at a party so I wasn't sure of the spelling. Because this name is more familiar to m e, I feel liek the U in these messages.
I KILL HER AND U CRIED. or I KILLED. U CRIED.
So I"m like no way! I kept going, substituting in the most accepted spelling; it produced four phrases that got me. Each has a background story, too.
COWARD KILLED IN HURRY--Prosecutor Larry Sells referred to Rick as a coward at my trial and the whole things was done in a hurry---sloppily.
I"D KILL HER AND YOU-- I asked him why he killed Trish. He said just because she was a witness and he almost killed me too.
I WARNED YOU--A couple of weeks before the shooting, I came home from work and Rick was insanely fucked up on acid and whiskey. He mumbled about how I didn't understand how dangerous things were. I thought it was babble. So I"m thinking, what about the good stuff? What about the rest of the story? He did grow a conscience and tell the truth in a hearing. About how he set me up and I was innocent of the murders. And guess what I saw?
JURY HEARD I KILL, U WON.
No fucking way, right?
Well, how about this? I took another look at my own name and saw: PARDONS HER.
The Universe speaks, Kelly Kreth. The Universe speaks.
And sometime I"ll tell you about the prophecy of 2008. Andnow, the prophecy of Dec 2013. Peace, Love and Grease!
--Sarah
In fact, you get ORATE KLLER from KI and you do talk to a lot of killers. Maybe it helps you: KEEP MORALITY (also in your name!) and stay on the better side of the prison fence.
P.S. I know there is some level of subjectivity here, but you don't get Amir from my name or warnings in yours, although your maiden name does provide KILLER. I think that is your interest in killers, not your occupation. Here's a litlte play with numbers: 0529 1979 953968 (my prison number and birthdate). Pull out 2013. Add the remaining numbers in the first group-39 3+9=12 December Second group 37. 3+7=10 10 December 2013. More on that later....
It's just past 6pm and I feel more energetic than I have for a few weeks. This is after a wek of fighting a lingering migraine. Tuesday I was vomiting, crying and aksin gGod to just go ahead and kill me swiftly. Obviously the Universe wants to continue to torture me while I discover my life's purpose and fulfill it with flair. This week I have tried meditating, connecting with my quantum, non-local spirit self and identify with ancient archtetypes to guide my inner intent/self.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
I've identified with Daedalus (engineer), Nike (goddess of victory) and Persephone (vegetation/death). Hey, if there's some good or visual images you can find on the internet for me, I could use them. I'm supposed to have images for reinforcement. I'm also looking at my dreams more closely and paying attention to what comes out of m mouth. What coversations I am creating. WE do live out of a lot of self-fulfillment. If so, I'm creating more of my own prophecies and livign an exciting life.
Stupid fucking Amir.
Ashton K. turned out to be the product of today's societal norms. No integrity. And overuse of texting instead of actual interaction. Stupid boys. Maybe you could find a really masculine dyke and get better results with women.
oooh. Maybe you'll meet a great guy at the US Open. I mean, you keep getting put in situations where you meet successful people, maybe you could find one who is financially AND emotionally stable.
They do exist.
Then you'll forget all about stupid Amir.
Benihana--I went there once when I was 19. It was fun, but I'd enjoy it more now. I was going to a Japanese sushi place the day I got arrestede, but chose the French wine bar instead. I think I made the better choice. I'll try out raw meet and seafood some other time.
Perhaps in Dec. 2013. That's the date I'm declaring to be legally free and out of prison. I named it months and months ago, resulting from a long calculation of possibilities and credits/demerits. I have bee speaking it, as it is widely known that you ask, believe, receive. In the Bible as well as any spiritual text it teaches that acts if it is done. Speak it. Anyway, I had a dream today that my father was driving me down a road and the street post sign said 5 years Road. Later it occurred to me that Dec 2013 is exactly fives years after my return to prison.
I love signs.
Thenight before I escaped I found 9 four leaf clovers in 15 minutes. Two separate women told me that it is meant I was going home in the morning. They had no idea how true that was. I laminated them and took them with me when I left. I had two weeks of freedom for each clover.
Flex [shampoo] is so old. Perhaps if they had updated their 1970s looking bottle, they'd still be selling it. And yes, you are a nut but I still like you. :-) You are a lot of fun.
Take care,
Sarah
Oh hey, I may not write for a little while. I was expecting $200 from my friend last week. $120 to pay for the analyst's official report, an then $80 for my month's expenses like postage and coffee, s hampoo and soap. Well, after she's been telling me for six years that she'll do anything to help me, I ask her to contribute toward the cost of the report. I'm thinking maybe 50 bucks. She offers two hundred. I totally am grateful. First, it gets returned to her for an address problem, now its 10 days later and still nothing, plus I haven't heard from her in a week. I hope she's not sick or hurt. And I hope she's not being funny about the money. It's very, very hard for me to ask people for help, even when they offer. My buddy tells me I need to get over it and swallow my pride and aks, so I do, but then I feel like a beggar if there's any drama around it. I have been so self-sufficient and independent my whole life, always ready to help others. I don't know why this is so hard for me. Anyway, so I let me account get down to twenty dollars because I thought I had money coming. I''d ask my mom and dad to help, and they will, but I don't get why I feel like such a hack for asking for the help that I have freely givne for 20 years. It's some weird life lesson, I guess. Maybe I should have picked a goddess of meony as an archetype.
:-)
***
Dear Kelly,
I received your card with the great magazine article--YOU! Oh how nice it would be to be a media source without it being connected to murder and prison. At the very least, without me being the bad guy. Anyway, I think it's cool as heck that you living is in glossy color. What I really love is that you don't compromise. This isn't some yearly fad for you; black, white and red is your life. I like how the author quotes you without making you sound nutty. The past paragraph where you are quoted, "Oh my God, the Universe is speaking to me!" She thinking you are joking. I don't. I think the Universe speaks to us all the time in coincidences and signs, just like that black, white and red chair you found on the street near your place. Just like the fact that MARRYING is in Amir's full name. And I bet that there are lots of other words inside your name, particularly your maiden name that probably would be another message from the Universe. It's no acciden twhat our parents name us or who we are born to marry.
Once upon a time I believe heavily in the universal signs and message through people and nature. Especially in the six months before I escaped.
I thought about waht you wrote and the last word for you got out of my name was PARDONERS. That inspired me to take a closer look at this name thing. The anagram machine gives you lots of combinations, but I wouldn't just take the longest words. I'd look at combos of smaller words, too, as well as name variations.
For example, I forgot exactly what your maiden name is, but I think it is IMPERATORE. I really wish I knew your middle name, but as soon as I wrote down KELLY IMPERATORE, do you know what I saw? REALTOR!
And I"m not sure that's just about you. You do PR for real estate, realtors, but Amir owns a real-estate--realtor--magazine. And you could not have missed the fact that Amir K shows up in your name.
In fact, I wish I knew your middle name because if it were something like ANGELA [Ed.: My middle name is ANN] you'd spell out his entire name in yours.
Even without a middle name, you still have Amir K and if you have one "A" in your middle name you can spell, "Amir K. Realtor" in one re-arrangement instead of two separate ones, though I don't think it matter. I'll explain later.
I totally love the idea behind your kartoonz. What a great way to communicate to someone on another level, plus make it fun and no so serious. And how smart ot show him that no matter who he picks up, even someone as hot, sexy and fit and amazing as CatWoman/HalleBerry--she'll never compare to your package of qualities.
Amir finally takes it as fate they should be together and they walk off hand in hand....too bad that isn't the end of the story.
Although it has gotten pretty good!
Do you even realize you are just a kartoon---when you say that to him in the kartoon, I realized how brilliant you are.
I takethat last strip you explained to be a clear message of power. You give him the power to drive you nuts and to squish up your insides. Sure, he's incredibly sexy and wealthy and successful, but that isn't where his power lies. His power solely exists inside of you. You grant him that power. If you ceased to pine, his power would cease to exist. It is NOT the other way around.
I wish I knew what stupid thing Amir said on CNBC. It can't be worse than me crying on national tv. At least his SNAFU was funny.
Your insanity is entertaining to me EVERY letter. It is both interesting and enlightening. And better yes, it makes my oddities...(idiosyncracies) appear normal.
Back to the anagrams:
KELLY IMPERATORE: Amir K Realtor---Kelly I. meets real estate businessman AMir K and after several months of dating and fighting and a surrender to fate, AK decides to marry KI but his cheating ways aren't gone for good and discussions of divorce soon loom on the horizon.
AMIR KORANGY: MARRYING KI
KELLY IMPERATORE: TEMPORARILY
AMIR KORANGY: KI ANGRY---Ki is angry at AK for being a perpetual shit and slut and at herself for believing he'd change. AK implores KI to give him another chance but nothing lasts forever.
KELLY IMPERATORE: AK IMPLORE
Perhaps if I had both of your middle names I would have a more detailed story, or at least one with a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings----
I am pretty sure I told you the basics of how I met Rick, my ex-boyfriend. That fates was involved used to be my stand, but now I believe that our futures are a mix of intention manifested and free will chosen with or reithout regard to clues from the Universe about impending danger or good fortune. Looking back, I see how completely correlated events wer in order to bring about what has so far been my past.
With Rick, it was creepy coincidence from Day One.l Out of 25,000 people, I meet him at the concert grounds. Two days later, I meet him again, totally by chance. After a month of searching for him with no luck, on the last day, I say, "If I don't find him today, I'm giving up." A few hours later, I pick him up on the side of the highway. Several other events oddly occurred and he ended up in my bed, where he overslept, missed his plane to CA, and never left. Instead we began a life together. Soon, his friends, Drew and Trish came and we got a place where he ends up shooting them. I did not know either of them very well at all, but I felt a connection to Trish. I pleaded with her to leave her abusive relationship with Drew and go back home to her kids. I cried over her life. And I cried over her death.
I barely knew her last name.
Anyway, this connection is significant when I do the anagrams of Rick's name. Whe he refers to "her" it's Trish. If he refers to "you" it's Trish. If it's both "her" and "you" that means Trish. I refers to himself. Convoluted, but you get it.
With the names, I use both the birth name and any variation used in spelling or nicknames. When I did Rick's I got a lot more than I thought I would. First Rick's middle initial is E. Often he signs, "Rick E. Hull". Immediately I sis KILLER. THen I put out his full birth name: Richard Edward Hull, Junior. OUt of that I saw COWARD LIAR
And then U WILL DIE HARD ROAD
Then I substituted in for what I called him (and his friends/family): Ricky . NOw once I spelled it Richie on a plastic cup at a party so I wasn't sure of the spelling. Because this name is more familiar to m e, I feel liek the U in these messages.
I KILL HER AND U CRIED. or I KILLED. U CRIED.
So I"m like no way! I kept going, substituting in the most accepted spelling; it produced four phrases that got me. Each has a background story, too.
COWARD KILLED IN HURRY--Prosecutor Larry Sells referred to Rick as a coward at my trial and the whole things was done in a hurry---sloppily.
I"D KILL HER AND YOU-- I asked him why he killed Trish. He said just because she was a witness and he almost killed me too.
I WARNED YOU--A couple of weeks before the shooting, I came home from work and Rick was insanely fucked up on acid and whiskey. He mumbled about how I didn't understand how dangerous things were. I thought it was babble. So I"m thinking, what about the good stuff? What about the rest of the story? He did grow a conscience and tell the truth in a hearing. About how he set me up and I was innocent of the murders. And guess what I saw?
JURY HEARD I KILL, U WON.
No fucking way, right?
Well, how about this? I took another look at my own name and saw: PARDONS HER.
The Universe speaks, Kelly Kreth. The Universe speaks.
And sometime I"ll tell you about the prophecy of 2008. Andnow, the prophecy of Dec 2013. Peace, Love and Grease!
--Sarah
In fact, you get ORATE KLLER from KI and you do talk to a lot of killers. Maybe it helps you: KEEP MORALITY (also in your name!) and stay on the better side of the prison fence.
P.S. I know there is some level of subjectivity here, but you don't get Amir from my name or warnings in yours, although your maiden name does provide KILLER. I think that is your interest in killers, not your occupation. Here's a litlte play with numbers: 0529 1979 953968 (my prison number and birthdate). Pull out 2013. Add the remaining numbers in the first group-39 3+9=12 December Second group 37. 3+7=10 10 December 2013. More on that later....
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #90-92
[Ed.: In these three letters, I will only transcribe things that are interesting and personal. As you know, he tends to write a lot about movies and tv shows...]
My Dear Kelly,
I would call you "sunshine", but you've had quite enough of that I am sure, thank you very much!
[Ed.: Omitted: Weather commentary]
So KK, if i ever get caught up on all the items & topics I want to share & discuss with you, and all of the interesting & fascinating ideas & things you make me think about --you are going to have a lot of reading to do! Sorry, I've been a bit behind these past couple of weeks.
Two letters to respond to in detail. As always, let me get started now and then continue in as many letters as it takes.
You find the coolest cards and stamps; Intriguing Pink/Navy Blue design on the KOCO card/plus your Mark Rothko & fish/ anemone stamps.
Beginning with the first of the three dates in your missives: I love it when you have the things we discuss. Given your schedule and variable energy level, I know that is not always the case.
[Ed.: I asked him to explain when he had his first urge to poison and if he still had those compulsive thoughts.] Believe me, Kelly, I would really like to "help a sistah out" BUT some answers to some questions are simply not there. I totally understand your curiousity ,and I believe your interest is genuine. Trust me those questions and others have been asked and texploed and continue to be. Shoudl I be able to elaborate in more detail, I certain will when I can.
[Ed.: I think it's time [Bridget Jonesing ghostwrites another letter to him.]
You already seem to have some remarkable insights. Here's a suggestion: When your "Jarndyce v Jarndyce" court case with your own version of the "sociopath" next door is completed, and if you feel empowered to write about it---go ahead and write your "Modern Love" column for the NYT. (You will of course send me a copy!) But also seriously consider writing a book---a detailed study of exactly what happened to you.
Two key points:
>The only books that resonate or even make sense to write about the sociopath topic are those that explore actions and motivations in detail. At one pint, you know this person (the man who tried to cause you harm) as a tabula rasa, a blank slate---again, I don't know if you were friends, dates or lovers. But then clearly you learned certain things, saw certain things, felt certain things, over time, slowly, excrutiatingly...that finally let you to realize the awful truth.
That is the story you need to tell. You do know that some women (and men) who don't see those things or realize those things eventually, end up destroyed, or worse.....
>2nd point: Yes, I would be more than happy to help you tell that story---all credit to you. I probably know more than I wish I knew about how this man went about trying to hurt you... Did he really use that method you mentioned? [Ed.: I never mentioned anything. I alluded to some things, but have never said anything tangible to Swango.] I only ask because rarely, if ever, does that happen once....
I know this is not the project you envisioned...but baby steps before you run the marathon, right?
Just think about it, ok? Clearly you dodge a potentially fatal bullet with your sociopath next door. The story should be told. And you know how to write and absolutely how to tell a story.
New season of Gossip Girl & 90210 & Vampire Diaries and OMG! New show "NIKITA" in one month.
Yours,
XOXO
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! (sorry the name fits you so well!) As I believe I've mentioned previously, Thursday is always a difficult day to write at length, but it's also the last day of the week to get a letter out before the weekend. Sooo---briefer letters tend to be the rule. With that said---picking up where I left off.
[Ed.: Omitting commentary on movies.]
You do know that recent PET scan brain imagery & studies have shown similarities between addiction (like crack and meth) and people who claim to be "in love" with someone. So the Amir/crack analogy is not farfetched at all.
In addition, when the "love" or obsession is not returned, the PET imagery is even more marked/extreme.
A final note---see if you agree: Anyone who has ever experienced love lost or love unreturned can understand the insane passion that can turn deadly, usually an estranged husband or boyfriend. The "if I can't have her or him, nobody can..."
So odd that Amir seems to get you, but doesn't realize how much better it could be with you if he would just go with it!
I am sure you would be the first to admit that you are not the easiest person to "get"! A personal note: Women who are hard to "get" are by far more interesting and more sexual.
[Ed.: End of letter deals with movies. Omitted.]
***
Dear Kelly---
[Ed.: Letter opens with a page of commentary on Mad Men. It continues on to discuss film, particularly Winter's Bone. All this is omitted for lack of relevancy.]
If someone was being mean to you, I would stick up for you KK!!!
My Dear Kelly,
I would call you "sunshine", but you've had quite enough of that I am sure, thank you very much!
[Ed.: Omitted: Weather commentary]
So KK, if i ever get caught up on all the items & topics I want to share & discuss with you, and all of the interesting & fascinating ideas & things you make me think about --you are going to have a lot of reading to do! Sorry, I've been a bit behind these past couple of weeks.
Two letters to respond to in detail. As always, let me get started now and then continue in as many letters as it takes.
You find the coolest cards and stamps; Intriguing Pink/Navy Blue design on the KOCO card/plus your Mark Rothko & fish/ anemone stamps.
Beginning with the first of the three dates in your missives: I love it when you have the things we discuss. Given your schedule and variable energy level, I know that is not always the case.
[Ed.: I asked him to explain when he had his first urge to poison and if he still had those compulsive thoughts.] Believe me, Kelly, I would really like to "help a sistah out" BUT some answers to some questions are simply not there. I totally understand your curiousity ,and I believe your interest is genuine. Trust me those questions and others have been asked and texploed and continue to be. Shoudl I be able to elaborate in more detail, I certain will when I can.
[Ed.: I think it's time [Bridget Jonesing ghostwrites another letter to him.]
You already seem to have some remarkable insights. Here's a suggestion: When your "Jarndyce v Jarndyce" court case with your own version of the "sociopath" next door is completed, and if you feel empowered to write about it---go ahead and write your "Modern Love" column for the NYT. (You will of course send me a copy!) But also seriously consider writing a book---a detailed study of exactly what happened to you.
Two key points:
>The only books that resonate or even make sense to write about the sociopath topic are those that explore actions and motivations in detail. At one pint, you know this person (the man who tried to cause you harm) as a tabula rasa, a blank slate---again, I don't know if you were friends, dates or lovers. But then clearly you learned certain things, saw certain things, felt certain things, over time, slowly, excrutiatingly...that finally let you to realize the awful truth.
That is the story you need to tell. You do know that some women (and men) who don't see those things or realize those things eventually, end up destroyed, or worse.....
>2nd point: Yes, I would be more than happy to help you tell that story---all credit to you. I probably know more than I wish I knew about how this man went about trying to hurt you... Did he really use that method you mentioned? [Ed.: I never mentioned anything. I alluded to some things, but have never said anything tangible to Swango.] I only ask because rarely, if ever, does that happen once....
I know this is not the project you envisioned...but baby steps before you run the marathon, right?
Just think about it, ok? Clearly you dodge a potentially fatal bullet with your sociopath next door. The story should be told. And you know how to write and absolutely how to tell a story.
New season of Gossip Girl & 90210 & Vampire Diaries and OMG! New show "NIKITA" in one month.
Yours,
XOXO
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! (sorry the name fits you so well!) As I believe I've mentioned previously, Thursday is always a difficult day to write at length, but it's also the last day of the week to get a letter out before the weekend. Sooo---briefer letters tend to be the rule. With that said---picking up where I left off.
[Ed.: Omitting commentary on movies.]
You do know that recent PET scan brain imagery & studies have shown similarities between addiction (like crack and meth) and people who claim to be "in love" with someone. So the Amir/crack analogy is not farfetched at all.
In addition, when the "love" or obsession is not returned, the PET imagery is even more marked/extreme.
A final note---see if you agree: Anyone who has ever experienced love lost or love unreturned can understand the insane passion that can turn deadly, usually an estranged husband or boyfriend. The "if I can't have her or him, nobody can..."
So odd that Amir seems to get you, but doesn't realize how much better it could be with you if he would just go with it!
I am sure you would be the first to admit that you are not the easiest person to "get"! A personal note: Women who are hard to "get" are by far more interesting and more sexual.
[Ed.: End of letter deals with movies. Omitted.]
***
Dear Kelly---
[Ed.: Letter opens with a page of commentary on Mad Men. It continues on to discuss film, particularly Winter's Bone. All this is omitted for lack of relevancy.]
If someone was being mean to you, I would stick up for you KK!!!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #42
Dear Kelly,
Glad ot hear from you. I'm listening to a local country station. They are out at the State Fair. I used to love going out to the county and state fairs. You ever go? My friend from NYC used to go out to the Meadowlands Fair when it was in town, and on others in the NJ/NY area. He's friend with Angel the SnakeGirl and others from the sideshow that travels around there. I bet Mini would go nuts over the World's Smallest Horse. Out there they have huge exhibits for agriculture and livestock. We even have a dairy bar where there are cheese sculptures. There's more than corn in Indiana.
Actually, I was interested in the emails that transpired between you and Amir. I thought you did a good job of communicating your feelngs and expressing yourself without being dramatic or accusatory.
Interestingly, this IS the oldest story in the book. Woman falls in love with the POTENTIAL of a man. Man disappoints woman. Woman "works on" man. Inspires him to move forward towards potential. Man doesn't move fast enough, continues to disappoint woman. Woman leaves hurt and confused as to why man just won't do what she wants him to do.
END OF STORY.
Why do I know this so well? Honey, that is the story of my relationships in the past. Men and gay women. It seems liek the bisexual women don't fall into this category, but I think that's because they are more in touch with their femininity and therefor actually MOVE toward their potential, however slowly. Men often have the inertia of Stonehenge monoliths.
My personal opinion: you torture yourself. Amir doesn't torture you. You cannot accept him how he is. Even though he's a liar and a cheat, that is who he is right now. He's doing you a favor by not agreeing to be your boyfriend, that way he doesn't have to lie or cheat on you, because THAT would be him torturing you.
I almost envy that you have these issues. At least you feel the highs and lows. Right now I am so depressed that I don't feel much at all. Sadness, despair, sometimes glimmer of hope, but NOTHING like hte joy I was once full of. I sleep all the time, cry often, and pretty much walk around lost in my head. I feel like the steel and concrete are sucking my soul. Sleep.
Please, pass me a giant mango margarita on the rocks!
I need a Bob Marley album, a full liquor cabinet, and a whole lot of sex. Then a long swim and a day in the sunshine (sans hangover).
Okay, so if I have my writings scanned in as high resolution JPGS, I can insert them into my blog? Or can I only opost them on Shutterfly and direct friends to go there? I wasn't sure if I had both options or not.
I'm getting ready to read The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire by Deepak Chopra. This is after last week reading How To Be Happy, Dammit and The Secret. Can you tell I'm depressed? Although. I've had more productivity today than I have in a week, writing letters, of course, I think that has less to do with natural motivation and more to do with the four cups of coffee I drank. Hey, whatever works, right?
I'm going to close and keep moving before I lose my momentum. Be well.
Sarah
Glad ot hear from you. I'm listening to a local country station. They are out at the State Fair. I used to love going out to the county and state fairs. You ever go? My friend from NYC used to go out to the Meadowlands Fair when it was in town, and on others in the NJ/NY area. He's friend with Angel the SnakeGirl and others from the sideshow that travels around there. I bet Mini would go nuts over the World's Smallest Horse. Out there they have huge exhibits for agriculture and livestock. We even have a dairy bar where there are cheese sculptures. There's more than corn in Indiana.
Actually, I was interested in the emails that transpired between you and Amir. I thought you did a good job of communicating your feelngs and expressing yourself without being dramatic or accusatory.
Interestingly, this IS the oldest story in the book. Woman falls in love with the POTENTIAL of a man. Man disappoints woman. Woman "works on" man. Inspires him to move forward towards potential. Man doesn't move fast enough, continues to disappoint woman. Woman leaves hurt and confused as to why man just won't do what she wants him to do.
END OF STORY.
Why do I know this so well? Honey, that is the story of my relationships in the past. Men and gay women. It seems liek the bisexual women don't fall into this category, but I think that's because they are more in touch with their femininity and therefor actually MOVE toward their potential, however slowly. Men often have the inertia of Stonehenge monoliths.
My personal opinion: you torture yourself. Amir doesn't torture you. You cannot accept him how he is. Even though he's a liar and a cheat, that is who he is right now. He's doing you a favor by not agreeing to be your boyfriend, that way he doesn't have to lie or cheat on you, because THAT would be him torturing you.
I almost envy that you have these issues. At least you feel the highs and lows. Right now I am so depressed that I don't feel much at all. Sadness, despair, sometimes glimmer of hope, but NOTHING like hte joy I was once full of. I sleep all the time, cry often, and pretty much walk around lost in my head. I feel like the steel and concrete are sucking my soul. Sleep.
Please, pass me a giant mango margarita on the rocks!
I need a Bob Marley album, a full liquor cabinet, and a whole lot of sex. Then a long swim and a day in the sunshine (sans hangover).
Okay, so if I have my writings scanned in as high resolution JPGS, I can insert them into my blog? Or can I only opost them on Shutterfly and direct friends to go there? I wasn't sure if I had both options or not.
I'm getting ready to read The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire by Deepak Chopra. This is after last week reading How To Be Happy, Dammit and The Secret. Can you tell I'm depressed? Although. I've had more productivity today than I have in a week, writing letters, of course, I think that has less to do with natural motivation and more to do with the four cups of coffee I drank. Hey, whatever works, right?
I'm going to close and keep moving before I lose my momentum. Be well.
Sarah
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #41
Kelly,
Glad you liked Down There, and I hope Chiz enjoyed my contribution to materializing the collective psychological despair. Your expression of Down There is very unique. I have come to believe we have all been there, and I am currently living in the West wing. Next time you visit...stop by. :-)
I enjoy your stories of feeding your addiction to Amir. It is an addiction. You indulge, want more, then feel like shit and beat yourself up when you can't get it.
Stupid fucking Amir.
I will think of a Die! so I can be a guestblogger [Ed.: She has and it has been posted on that blog.] I liked your entries, including your guestbloggers. I has bene a long time since I have had unrequited love although once upon a time I did. It sucked. And I'm painfully familiar with the "I'll give you part, but not all, of myself. Just enough good times and great sex to keep you hooked and putting up with my bullshit" love.
Blech.
I like your six word memoirs, but I don't understand STFU and FML. Explain?
I tried writing a few:
- Stuck in Hell. All exits blocked.
- The government gave me the shaft.
- Wrinkles are appearing on the horizen.
- My exes are idiots or criminals.
That was fun.
I have a ton of stuff to work on, but I'm glad I sat to write you. I feel pleasant right now. Maybe some of my positive energy will absorb into the paper and transfer to you upon reading :-). Have a good day, Kelly.
XO,
Sarah
Glad you liked Down There, and I hope Chiz enjoyed my contribution to materializing the collective psychological despair. Your expression of Down There is very unique. I have come to believe we have all been there, and I am currently living in the West wing. Next time you visit...stop by. :-)
I enjoy your stories of feeding your addiction to Amir. It is an addiction. You indulge, want more, then feel like shit and beat yourself up when you can't get it.
Stupid fucking Amir.
I will think of a Die! so I can be a guestblogger [Ed.: She has and it has been posted on that blog.] I liked your entries, including your guestbloggers. I has bene a long time since I have had unrequited love although once upon a time I did. It sucked. And I'm painfully familiar with the "I'll give you part, but not all, of myself. Just enough good times and great sex to keep you hooked and putting up with my bullshit" love.
Blech.
I like your six word memoirs, but I don't understand STFU and FML. Explain?
I tried writing a few:
- Stuck in Hell. All exits blocked.
- The government gave me the shaft.
- Wrinkles are appearing on the horizen.
- My exes are idiots or criminals.
That was fun.
I have a ton of stuff to work on, but I'm glad I sat to write you. I feel pleasant right now. Maybe some of my positive energy will absorb into the paper and transfer to you upon reading :-). Have a good day, Kelly.
XO,
Sarah
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #40
Good Morning Kelly,
It's ridiculously early in the morning. After 6am. Well, it's not so much that its early because I always get up before 7am, but rarely am I ever functioning productively. I am at an impasse with writing and legal stuff, so only letters, books and artsy stuff remains to be done. Really what it boils down to is that I have to make a choice to do something that is outside of my comfort zone. The payoff is that I avoid the possibility of failure. The cost is that I give up great rewards for a success. You know what I am talking about. It's something you are going through, too. We all do---a hundred, a thousand times in our lives. But I think that by not choosing to raise the bar in my life and do it, that leaves me with feelings of low grade anxiety and fear around that choice. Like it's always sitting out there on window ledge, staring at me. I don't want to avoid and be scared of it. I want to open the window and invite it in. Will it try to eat me? Maybe. But I'm big enough to kick its ass. Will I tame it and train it and ride it like a broom in this on moonlit night? Isn't the possibility of that power and purpose worth making the choice in the first place? That's what I'm noodling out.
I got this bright flourescent pink card from you and I'm left wondering where you picked 19 year old stationary? I am also curious if the Hunger Project is still around and if it has re-aimed their their goal of ending world hunger by 2000. A noble cause. I applaud anyone or organization willing to choose such a problem worthy of their lives.
I am still crying and sleeping more than I'd like to. I do stretches and breathing and acupressure. I drink lots of water, talk a multivitamin. Eat whole foods, avoid junk food 3 out of 4 weeks (I pig out on my period.) And work on writing, read new books, and try drawing new stuff. Like the focus. But I still feel. UGH. I guess I am missing an essential part of the puzzle.
I think I am a nest for alien hatching. I have intestinal cramps so bad that I am sure a cane-weilding, top-hat wearing alien is going to rip itself from my abdomen and do a Broadway dance. Any moment now.
How do they show movies in the park? Is there a big screen like at a drive-in? Or do they project it onto a building?
I laughed at your suggestion of a 28-day detox program from Amir, particularly that you need "basketweaving, trust exercises, psychologists, and self-analysis-driven groups. People would call it "coddling prisoners." I'd call it "healing Americans."
When you described your chocolate soda, I think Ewww. But isn't that what Yoo Hoo is? But no---you add no milk or cream. You compared it to an egg cream--I don't know what that is. The Japanese food sounds wonderful. I've never really eaten Japanese. The one time I went to a Japanese steakhouse, we sat at the counter stools where the guy does fancy stuff while cooking food and I stayed safe ordering what amounted to chicken and vegetables. That was when I 20. Now, I'd never go "safe". I want to try every neat and wonderful and perhaps icky thing there is. I once thought octopus would be yucky, but I liked it. There's a billion things beyond 8-leggeds sea creatures to eat! That's why I like your little food adventures. Vicarious pleasure.
How's your project, YOU MIGHT AS WELL?
Mom came Wednesday and told me that her boyfriend has been working on a blogspot blog for me and I told her that we already set up wordpress and myspace and the issue is that I need them typed up. She has now committed to typing them up again, so we'll see how this goes. She had been sick for months and didn't know why, until she found out about her diabetes. I guess she has found new energy. One can only hope I will let you know if she gets to typing up my writings. I have a question--when you paste in links to your blog---or rather from your blog, usually those are links to other website, right? Well, can you post a link to a PDF file? Or post a PDF file into the blog where people can access and enlarge it to read it.? The reason I ask is that I wonder if I can just write very clearly, and have my mom scan the paper and create a PDF file to post instead of having to re-type stuff? I figure you'd know.
I've been writing sections about David, my first real love, for my memoirs, and his been stuck on my brain. I just woke up from a nap where I had a wonderfully erotic dream. I began with my girlfriend, she morphed into a friend whom I've had a crush on, but never told her on acted on it, then into David. I rarely have these sexually-themed dreams, but when i do they almost always involve more than my past loves, always my girlfriends, but I welcome David anytime. I miss him. He's the guy I stood by when no one else did and my Dad criticized us. When I enrolled in that judgement and left him, he's the guy I should have went back to. I was right all along. I'd stay straight forever to have him back again. Although, I know everyone changes. We are both different now, but I still hang on to the idea that it could be or what should've been. It's always good in my dreams.
I'm so people-deprived that I daydream about hugs.
And so conversation-starved that I regularly talk to my handicapped ladybug.
No wonder they allow Death Row inmates pet cats. It's the only way the prison can prevent the condemned from suicide before the State gets a chance to kill them.
That's sad.
No more sad talk.
Hpe you are well.
Peace, Sarah
P.S. A bit of happy talk. I just got a JPay letter from my friend Kye and she happened to mention the Hunger Project. Isn't that odd? She just read a book by a lady who was one of the primary fundraisers for the Hunger Project, Lynne Twist. Instead of raising money to give away to charity, the project uses it to collaborate with impoverished nations/regioins so they could justify their own strengths and resources (other than money) and adi them in starting small businesses, farming, etc---building sustainability.
How smart!
That is one of the biggest downfalls of the Zimbabwean people. Back in 1980, after 100 years of British colonial rule/protection, Zimbabwe was granted independence. Robert Mirgabe was the leader of the Black nationalists that fought for its independence and was then elected prime minister. Over the next 20 years, he worked to bring power, money, and land back to the flack Africans, but did it through force and corruption, eventually stealing white Afrikaan's land and business and giving to the people in his cabinet/family members. Well, because most of the blacks were laborers, low-level mgmt, cattle herders, and bush people, so many businesses left or collapsed and thousands of acres of food ready to harvest, died in the fields. The new owners were not empowered to use what they had been given. No one taught them. So the US and countries around the world would fly in tons and tons of relief food and your $ into a nation destined to starve. Many of the educators, farmers, govts had been white and were run out of the country or left on their own. What they needed, and still do, is to learn how to fish (well, farm). So, hooray for the Hunger Project.!
It's ridiculously early in the morning. After 6am. Well, it's not so much that its early because I always get up before 7am, but rarely am I ever functioning productively. I am at an impasse with writing and legal stuff, so only letters, books and artsy stuff remains to be done. Really what it boils down to is that I have to make a choice to do something that is outside of my comfort zone. The payoff is that I avoid the possibility of failure. The cost is that I give up great rewards for a success. You know what I am talking about. It's something you are going through, too. We all do---a hundred, a thousand times in our lives. But I think that by not choosing to raise the bar in my life and do it, that leaves me with feelings of low grade anxiety and fear around that choice. Like it's always sitting out there on window ledge, staring at me. I don't want to avoid and be scared of it. I want to open the window and invite it in. Will it try to eat me? Maybe. But I'm big enough to kick its ass. Will I tame it and train it and ride it like a broom in this on moonlit night? Isn't the possibility of that power and purpose worth making the choice in the first place? That's what I'm noodling out.
I got this bright flourescent pink card from you and I'm left wondering where you picked 19 year old stationary? I am also curious if the Hunger Project is still around and if it has re-aimed their their goal of ending world hunger by 2000. A noble cause. I applaud anyone or organization willing to choose such a problem worthy of their lives.
I am still crying and sleeping more than I'd like to. I do stretches and breathing and acupressure. I drink lots of water, talk a multivitamin. Eat whole foods, avoid junk food 3 out of 4 weeks (I pig out on my period.) And work on writing, read new books, and try drawing new stuff. Like the focus. But I still feel. UGH. I guess I am missing an essential part of the puzzle.
I think I am a nest for alien hatching. I have intestinal cramps so bad that I am sure a cane-weilding, top-hat wearing alien is going to rip itself from my abdomen and do a Broadway dance. Any moment now.
How do they show movies in the park? Is there a big screen like at a drive-in? Or do they project it onto a building?
I laughed at your suggestion of a 28-day detox program from Amir, particularly that you need "basketweaving, trust exercises, psychologists, and self-analysis-driven groups. People would call it "coddling prisoners." I'd call it "healing Americans."
When you described your chocolate soda, I think Ewww. But isn't that what Yoo Hoo is? But no---you add no milk or cream. You compared it to an egg cream--I don't know what that is. The Japanese food sounds wonderful. I've never really eaten Japanese. The one time I went to a Japanese steakhouse, we sat at the counter stools where the guy does fancy stuff while cooking food and I stayed safe ordering what amounted to chicken and vegetables. That was when I 20. Now, I'd never go "safe". I want to try every neat and wonderful and perhaps icky thing there is. I once thought octopus would be yucky, but I liked it. There's a billion things beyond 8-leggeds sea creatures to eat! That's why I like your little food adventures. Vicarious pleasure.
How's your project, YOU MIGHT AS WELL?
Mom came Wednesday and told me that her boyfriend has been working on a blogspot blog for me and I told her that we already set up wordpress and myspace and the issue is that I need them typed up. She has now committed to typing them up again, so we'll see how this goes. She had been sick for months and didn't know why, until she found out about her diabetes. I guess she has found new energy. One can only hope I will let you know if she gets to typing up my writings. I have a question--when you paste in links to your blog---or rather from your blog, usually those are links to other website, right? Well, can you post a link to a PDF file? Or post a PDF file into the blog where people can access and enlarge it to read it.? The reason I ask is that I wonder if I can just write very clearly, and have my mom scan the paper and create a PDF file to post instead of having to re-type stuff? I figure you'd know.
I've been writing sections about David, my first real love, for my memoirs, and his been stuck on my brain. I just woke up from a nap where I had a wonderfully erotic dream. I began with my girlfriend, she morphed into a friend whom I've had a crush on, but never told her on acted on it, then into David. I rarely have these sexually-themed dreams, but when i do they almost always involve more than my past loves, always my girlfriends, but I welcome David anytime. I miss him. He's the guy I stood by when no one else did and my Dad criticized us. When I enrolled in that judgement and left him, he's the guy I should have went back to. I was right all along. I'd stay straight forever to have him back again. Although, I know everyone changes. We are both different now, but I still hang on to the idea that it could be or what should've been. It's always good in my dreams.
I'm so people-deprived that I daydream about hugs.
And so conversation-starved that I regularly talk to my handicapped ladybug.
No wonder they allow Death Row inmates pet cats. It's the only way the prison can prevent the condemned from suicide before the State gets a chance to kill them.
That's sad.
No more sad talk.
Hpe you are well.
Peace, Sarah
P.S. A bit of happy talk. I just got a JPay letter from my friend Kye and she happened to mention the Hunger Project. Isn't that odd? She just read a book by a lady who was one of the primary fundraisers for the Hunger Project, Lynne Twist. Instead of raising money to give away to charity, the project uses it to collaborate with impoverished nations/regioins so they could justify their own strengths and resources (other than money) and adi them in starting small businesses, farming, etc---building sustainability.
How smart!
That is one of the biggest downfalls of the Zimbabwean people. Back in 1980, after 100 years of British colonial rule/protection, Zimbabwe was granted independence. Robert Mirgabe was the leader of the Black nationalists that fought for its independence and was then elected prime minister. Over the next 20 years, he worked to bring power, money, and land back to the flack Africans, but did it through force and corruption, eventually stealing white Afrikaan's land and business and giving to the people in his cabinet/family members. Well, because most of the blacks were laborers, low-level mgmt, cattle herders, and bush people, so many businesses left or collapsed and thousands of acres of food ready to harvest, died in the fields. The new owners were not empowered to use what they had been given. No one taught them. So the US and countries around the world would fly in tons and tons of relief food and your $ into a nation destined to starve. Many of the educators, farmers, govts had been white and were run out of the country or left on their own. What they needed, and still do, is to learn how to fish (well, farm). So, hooray for the Hunger Project.!
