Dear Kelly,
Merry Christmas!!!
I hope you have been given all that makes you happy. that' Amir has had a soul conversion on the road to Damascus sort of revelation that he can't live his life without you and no woman will ever make him happier than you do and can. And that he does something baout it. If not, I hope he gives you an envelope of $5000 cash and a glittery piece of jewelry.
Mom came to visit today and put a smile on my face and I called my father during his first cup of coffee so I can't complain about my Christmas. Even stuck in a demented steel room and eating bologna sandwiches for dinner, I have my parents and that is worth an awful lot. It's the most compelling reason that I would never escape again. I don't ever want to be without them again.
I was thinking about the Helium-replacement method, and I thought that a really quick and effective alternative to the tent would be to go to an Amry surplus store and get a gas delivery mask and hook it straight to the He tank. Two minutes to twilight, 90 more seconds to oblivion. I think I thought of that before, but don't remember if I told you or not. Okay, not a great thought on Christmas Day, but it's not really morbid to me, it's just another subject.
There's this song on, a country music hit by Eric Church called "Hell on the Heart". " She's as pretty as a picture, every bit as funny as she is smart. Got a smile that will hold you together and a touch that will tear you apart. When she's yours she brings the sunshine; when she's gone the world goes dark. Boy she's heaven on the eyes, but man, she's hell on the heart."
I imagine that is exactly what Amir thinks of you.
I heard a show, "The Nightmare Before Christmas" a syndicated radio show that had all these morbid, violent or anti-Christmas themed songs. One of them was about a guy who came hom eto Stana banging his wife under the tree. Santa's mean, and th guy's even meaner. Shoots Santa, himself and a couple of reindeer during the escape. Weird. And then, one by the Sick Puppies about "All I want for Christmas is to kill myself." Very punk rock-ish.
I'ts amazing what sort of music is produced.
I prefer Dave Matthews, Counting Crows, Natalie Merchant, Eric Clapton, Pearl Jam, Melissa Etheridge, Eminem, Indigo Girls, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppeliln, Jason Aldine.
Oh Oh Oh! I am so excited about your card!!! Just to the other day I was thinking about how long it might take to hear from Michele and that if I wasn't chosen I wonder if she would tell me where I could improve. I was feleing kind of blue about it and then SURPRISE! I'm in!!! Thank you very much, Kelly, for looking out for me. This is an experience I need, to go through the writing process, and will definitely be a positive point on my list of notable accomplishments. I feel like you are part of my Universal life story, so I pay attention closer to what you bring into my life. I went ahead and ordered an issue of Creative Non-Fiction to see what it was about, get ideas of form and structure of publishable essays, and see what themed submissions they are looking for. I also got my monthly issue of The Sun and see a topic, "Authority" and "Rumors". I think I may submit entries for. I want to write something inspiring or at least that makes a real strong point.
I also got the folder with the non-fiction book proposal and notes in it. Thank you! I opened it to check it out and was delighted to see a long, bright pink letter from you. Oh, Amir.
First, I must say that your civil disobedience move at Amir's was ingenious! Unfortunately it was the result of an emotional breaking point, but it certainly gave him something to think about. His statement, "I never realized how dangerous you are" says it perfectly. You are a danger to his sense of control. He has been in control of every woman he has ever been with. He does what he wants, when he wants, and if they don't like it, he either lies to them or leaves them. There's always a dozen more waiting in line. But how many have had your willpower and resolve? He spends his life chasing you. You are a challenge. So you resist and he keeps chasing you until you give in and he feels liek he gets a prize, so he keeps chasing. But the game took a scary turn for him when you made him feel like you feel---when someone controls what he wants. And the only way to get what he wants is to compromise a part of his life that is unthinkable--leaving you there alone in his home. Giving you more power to snoop/learn and blow down his house of cards by getting personal info.) He wants you to get dressed liek you want him to commit. He can't make you and you can't make him. If he relinquishes his will and leaves you there you will worry about what he is doing without you. I don't imagine he's ever quote had a woman challange his power like this before. And that is why he can't let you go.
He doesn't want to SEE you again because now he's afraid of your power and how you might use it at any moment to control him. If's he's not with you, you have less power, but if you still exchange cards, emails, etc. he can still have a part of you. He does love you. He's also not willing to give up others. And he's afraid of you. You broke his trust. He trusted you to be able to tell you the truth about his life and you used it against him. He trusted you to come into his home and you squatted in protest.
I found what Fareen said to be interesting: He doesn't value women. That's like saying a woman doesn't value leather handbags because she has owned 120 of them, only uses them for 6 mos and switches between 3 and 4 at a time, instead of devoting herself to just one brand, one style and getting it repaired over and over because she loves it so much. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
Maybe women do not hold an intrinsically high value to Amir, but let's say the handbag company makes a particularly cool and smart bag and then says it is limiting production to 250. That's upping the value and the desire to have it and treat it right, bcause you know it is special. With your wit and humor, creativity and looks, conversation skills and bedroom skills, and similar interests and intelligence, and your limited availability, Amir may value you more than his other women, hence he seems to chase you. But he still wants varity. Now, with the law of supply and demand, you can look at it this way: Right now, the general supply of women is great. You are in higher demand because of your specialness, but if the supply of others dried up, your value would be so high that he'd commit, afraid someone else would get you. So, since we both know tht the supply of women will not be dwingling soon, how do you increase your value so much that he commits? Increase the competition, the fear of losing out.
For a year, you have made your resource fairly scarce, upping your value, but he knows that as long as he puts in enough effort, he can obtain you. However, if another buyer entered the market, its possible they could buy up all that's scarce (you) and none would be left for Amir. This skyrockets your value. So l ong as you are sitting around hoping, wishing, waiting, he knows he still has a chance to get you when he wants, with enough effort. I wonder what happens when suddenly you discontinue to play his game. First, a flip of control and then competition.
There's a saying among men that hte way way to find a girlfriend is to get girlfriend. It's true. [Ed.: ZOMG! She is pretty much saying my Ball of Lint Theory...] If women know you are with someone, they see that others value you and that creates demand and competition, and increases value. Even an ugly or dim-witted date can work or even a buddy posing as a date. I swear it works. You can't flaunt it like you want him to know, but open uop your radra and snag a guy who has been waiting in the wings for a couple of dates and watch Amir's reaction.
Besides, it might be exactly what you need. There is no way to be open to whatever or whoever the Universe bring you if you have already put in your order and are just waiting for it to be delivered.
Last time I read Hamlet I wrote down this quote: O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! Or that hte Everlasting had not fixed. His canon against self-slaughter. O God, God
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on it, oh fie! 'tis an unweeded garden
That grows to seed Things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That is should come to this!
--Hamlet
Those feelings of despair have been felt for thousands of year by all sorts of humans. And Amir is right to be worried that you are so sad that you are so smart as to outwit him at his own game. Intelligent people who are deeply emotional have always been so-called dangerous. Even King Claudius knew that. "Madness in great ones must not unwatched go."
I vote you go to his movie premiere in May.
Amir wraps like a handless elf. Fucking hilarious.
I agree LOL should be outlawed. Generally when poeple write it they are not actually laughing out loud, which just makes them liars. LOL is enabling their lies. BAN IT!
I'm sad that it is almost New Year's and I'm going to have to dismantle or toss this beautiful creation of my tree. It took me two days to make , two weeks to look at, and now, getting rid of it feels like a permanent end to a magical season and now just have to hunker down and bear the next 6 weeks with only weekly playoff games to look foward to, the Superbowl, and then go through a lonely Valentine's Day, which signals the start of racing season, all while working on a freedom campaign.
Oh yeah. A Frenchman activist has taken an interest in helping me develop an informative campaign to help FREE PENDER! Iv'e been asking the Universe to send this help and I get to practice my French with a real French person.
I'm excited about OUR VOICE. Thanks agian, Kelly. Really.
I hope to get a letter from you saing you and Amir are better. Honestly, I enjoy your relationship since I don't have one of my own. I don't miss drama, but I miss feeling loved and special and precious, perfect moments of romance.
I sincerely hope you go get yourself a date for NYE. Shrug off Amir and let it go for night. You can get a date in 5 minutes. Stop shutting yourself in. GET OUT! BREATHE! Have a good time.
Enjoy life,
Sarah
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Justin Barber, #5
I had not heard from Justin Barber for a long time. He had stopped writing so this Christmas I sent him a Christmas card. Turns out he had been punished and all his mail was taken so he had no record of my address. In case you have forgotten who he is and what he is in prison for you can read about him HERE.
Kelly,
Your card arrived today. Thanks for thinking of me. It was a little eerie receiving your card this evening because I was thinking of you earlier today. In passing, I watched a few minutes of a tv show called Real Housewives of New York. Of course I thought of you even before learning that one of the personalities on the show is named Kelly.
I've missed your letters as well. You always sent interesting things. I haven't written you because I lost your address some time ago. I was placed in disciplinary confinement earlier in the year. During that process many of m personal belongings "disappeared" including all of your correspondence. For some reason I had never written your address in my journal, so when your letters disappeared, so did your address. Your pictures were lost too, except for one of you wearing a sexy black dress and a "Happy New Year" tiara. I'm looking at that pic. while I write this.
I hope you're well and enjoying the holidays. You've had plenty of snow lately, but I don't know if it arrived in time for a while Christmas.
I'll keep this short in order to post it in the morning. I hope you'll write soon and catch me up on your life.
Happy New Year,
Justin
Kelly,
Your card arrived today. Thanks for thinking of me. It was a little eerie receiving your card this evening because I was thinking of you earlier today. In passing, I watched a few minutes of a tv show called Real Housewives of New York. Of course I thought of you even before learning that one of the personalities on the show is named Kelly.
I've missed your letters as well. You always sent interesting things. I haven't written you because I lost your address some time ago. I was placed in disciplinary confinement earlier in the year. During that process many of m personal belongings "disappeared" including all of your correspondence. For some reason I had never written your address in my journal, so when your letters disappeared, so did your address. Your pictures were lost too, except for one of you wearing a sexy black dress and a "Happy New Year" tiara. I'm looking at that pic. while I write this.
I hope you're well and enjoying the holidays. You've had plenty of snow lately, but I don't know if it arrived in time for a while Christmas.
I'll keep this short in order to post it in the morning. I hope you'll write soon and catch me up on your life.
Happy New Year,
Justin
Monday, January 3, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #105
Kelly: Tis indeed the season. Wishing you a safe and healthy holiday season/many, many more...
[ Ed: INSERT THE WORDS TO O HOLY NIGHT]
Your favorite day of the week! Wondering if you are ensconced in your warm Manhattan next, as it looks like there' s a storm a'coming...A BIG storm. And I know how you love winter. Actually, they say that NYC will be spared the worst of the heavy snow & sub-zero temps.
My humble effort at a Christmas card. As i believe I mentioned before there are several Christmas carols that I could listen to any time of the year, because they are marvelous pieces of music. "O HOLY NIGHT" is one of the best. When you hear the triplets of notes in the intro it is unmistakeable.
Ok--a week since my last letter, so let me continue trying to discuss all the fascinating topics from your recent letters. Please excuse my jumping back and forth...
> A final note on your much appreciated synopsis/analysis of CATFISH. Recently saw again the film that foreshadows the whole deception at a distance theme: The Night Listener starring Robin Williams/based on a true? experience of the author Armistad Maupin in the 1990s.
You might recall that film ends with thre woman who had pretended to have a son coming home from the hospital. Played by Toni Collette. I know we disagree on her level of talent.
>So ends Season 2 of The League. Cut little show, yes, but also well-writtne. Having the girl in the League this season was a masterstroke. By the way if you know anyone who obsesses over fantasy football --much of the show rings true.
Certainly hope Louis CK comes back. Did I tell you I saw him on one of the late-night talk shows? So funny...
>Just so you know lots of good thoughts were sent your way when i read the closing of your Nov letter in which Amir was in Vermont (my God--your life IS a Seinfeld episode): "Everything is going wrong and I have the perfect storm of things to worry and be unhappy about."
NEW book idea: The Eternal Optimism of Kelly Kreth!
***
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! A slight bone to pick with you. Actually on two points. POINT ONE: You really projected big time on The Young Prisoner's Handbook. Let me try to explain: In our fictional account of a sociopath, terrible---really, terrible--acts were performed, with horrific consequences....BUT nothing like the plot of YPH. [Ed.: We have agreed then when talking about his crimes he will discuss them in terms of a fictional story we have both read about a nameless sociopath...] The young protagonist in YPH apprently uses a slow-acting toxin. My guess---based on your description of the film--would be Thallium (look it up)-- a very nasty piece of work...in our fictional accopunt, the sociopath is very familiar with it, but does not use it, or anything similar. [Thallium is insidious, deadly but very slowly, but also easily detectable if suspected.]
[Ed.: I have to interject here. This fucking fascinates me. He is actually discussing what types of poisin he used! OMG!]
I can so clearly see you watching that film and getting more and more horrified and upset, thinking, "HE was part of this firsthand! OMG!" NO, he wasn't.
Truth or dare: Truth: I asked you about the film because its title and subject, you will agree, are singular and unique. You were kind enough to watch it. There was no ultierior motice. All I wanted to know was what it was about and was it as described a "gleefully black comedy". And based on what you said, this was not a comedy, not evne a dark one. "This was a horror story." Point taken. But, based on your powerful reaction to the film--despite its horror--it sounds like the film had an impact. I had no idea what the film is like, as I have never seen it. So please no projection onto moi!
I've said before your experience with a near-chronic illness if not near-death with John clearly had a devastating impact on your view of such things. You see to have a much less pleasant view of sex/sexuality...not sure why. POINT TWO: No "fixation on sex/sensuality/sexuality at all for me. And trust m e being here has nothing to do with it. It is not my nature, it's human nature, Kelly.
Think of all we have talked about "lo these many letters" -- the percentage of discussions or mentions of sex is miniscule. But even that makes you skittish. I bright up the delightful and endlessly fascinating topic whenever it comes up naturally. Really. You really do blow it way out of proportion thus elevating it beyond any semblance of balance. Pus you don't giveit a chance.
You might notice that I never use the "c" word. A brutal, vicious word not for use by men. My conversations regarding this verboten topic are hardly ever graphic.
Now here is the kicker! In your letter, you write "I wish I could watch all you've done like I watched that movie."
REALLY, KK??? You would watch what amounts to hours and hours of a snuff film without batting an eye, but merely talking ab out an intensely loving and sensual experience or the intimacy of oral sex for a woman when she is with a man she loves or cares for or any other way a man or woman can become part of one another through their bodies and bodily fluids... This you go ballistic over? Not angry, just puzzled.
Of couse in that you are not alone. Films and TV are, full of the most graphic and detailed violence...closeups of GSW to the head/decapitations/the intensely detailed autopsy scenes over and over on Law and Order and CSI...over and over and over... This is all televised and filmed and watched by all ages with nary a peep of protest.
But OH MY GOD! The film Blue Valentine apparently shows something during a love scene, the producers have to fight to prevent an NC-17 rating. But if Gosling had stabbed her 50 times and the camera zoomed in on MIchele Williams' multiple bloody wounds, neck arteries pulsing her life's blood on the floor, closeups of Michele's face...There would be no objections.
Note to Kelly: If it won't cause permanent damage to your psyche (joking my dear :-) ) : When you see Blue Valentine, tell me what allt he fuss is about. Supposedly the Ratings Board relented without forcing any changes. Thank you.
> My final notes (for today) on the subject: To paraphrase you: "Oh Kelly, you don't need to be flattered, but under different circumstances in a galaxy far, far away, we would be exactly what you claim we would not be. With no danger to you from toxins. Once again, you project all you know about me now for some reason cannot see or you refuse to see that would have been at least as likely as not.
And so what? Guess what---most of the Manson girls were quite pertty and sexy as young women. I could have easily been intensely attracted to one of them if we were sutdents in the late 60s and around the same age. Is that good or bad or... No, it just is...
So my dear Kelly, when that subject or any other is appropriate or necessary I won't hesitate or shy away.
And I want to discuss all of those many other things to allow us to know each other deeply. I too say "Trust". Extend your boundaries just a bit and I promise you will never be hurt or uncomfortable. And as with all the other subjects, we will both learn more about each other.
See--no stick in the mud/NO "scolding". I think far too much of you to ever think that of you.
***
More from that particular letter to discuss, but I must get this iin the mail . So let me close with the less controversial subject we both love: MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
Yes, KK, so much more to talk about. Sorry I went on far too long--seems to be my nature. :-) Next letter to follow sooner rather than later. Thinking of you. Again a safe and healthy and warm holiday to you. Write soon. XOXO, Your friend, Michael
[ Ed: INSERT THE WORDS TO O HOLY NIGHT]
Your favorite day of the week! Wondering if you are ensconced in your warm Manhattan next, as it looks like there' s a storm a'coming...A BIG storm. And I know how you love winter. Actually, they say that NYC will be spared the worst of the heavy snow & sub-zero temps.
My humble effort at a Christmas card. As i believe I mentioned before there are several Christmas carols that I could listen to any time of the year, because they are marvelous pieces of music. "O HOLY NIGHT" is one of the best. When you hear the triplets of notes in the intro it is unmistakeable.
Ok--a week since my last letter, so let me continue trying to discuss all the fascinating topics from your recent letters. Please excuse my jumping back and forth...
> A final note on your much appreciated synopsis/analysis of CATFISH. Recently saw again the film that foreshadows the whole deception at a distance theme: The Night Listener starring Robin Williams/based on a true? experience of the author Armistad Maupin in the 1990s.
You might recall that film ends with thre woman who had pretended to have a son coming home from the hospital. Played by Toni Collette. I know we disagree on her level of talent.
>So ends Season 2 of The League. Cut little show, yes, but also well-writtne. Having the girl in the League this season was a masterstroke. By the way if you know anyone who obsesses over fantasy football --much of the show rings true.
Certainly hope Louis CK comes back. Did I tell you I saw him on one of the late-night talk shows? So funny...
>Just so you know lots of good thoughts were sent your way when i read the closing of your Nov letter in which Amir was in Vermont (my God--your life IS a Seinfeld episode): "Everything is going wrong and I have the perfect storm of things to worry and be unhappy about."
NEW book idea: The Eternal Optimism of Kelly Kreth!
***
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! A slight bone to pick with you. Actually on two points. POINT ONE: You really projected big time on The Young Prisoner's Handbook. Let me try to explain: In our fictional account of a sociopath, terrible---really, terrible--acts were performed, with horrific consequences....BUT nothing like the plot of YPH. [Ed.: We have agreed then when talking about his crimes he will discuss them in terms of a fictional story we have both read about a nameless sociopath...] The young protagonist in YPH apprently uses a slow-acting toxin. My guess---based on your description of the film--would be Thallium (look it up)-- a very nasty piece of work...in our fictional accopunt, the sociopath is very familiar with it, but does not use it, or anything similar. [Thallium is insidious, deadly but very slowly, but also easily detectable if suspected.]
[Ed.: I have to interject here. This fucking fascinates me. He is actually discussing what types of poisin he used! OMG!]
I can so clearly see you watching that film and getting more and more horrified and upset, thinking, "HE was part of this firsthand! OMG!" NO, he wasn't.
Truth or dare: Truth: I asked you about the film because its title and subject, you will agree, are singular and unique. You were kind enough to watch it. There was no ultierior motice. All I wanted to know was what it was about and was it as described a "gleefully black comedy". And based on what you said, this was not a comedy, not evne a dark one. "This was a horror story." Point taken. But, based on your powerful reaction to the film--despite its horror--it sounds like the film had an impact. I had no idea what the film is like, as I have never seen it. So please no projection onto moi!
I've said before your experience with a near-chronic illness if not near-death with John clearly had a devastating impact on your view of such things. You see to have a much less pleasant view of sex/sexuality...not sure why. POINT TWO: No "fixation on sex/sensuality/sexuality at all for me. And trust m e being here has nothing to do with it. It is not my nature, it's human nature, Kelly.
Think of all we have talked about "lo these many letters" -- the percentage of discussions or mentions of sex is miniscule. But even that makes you skittish. I bright up the delightful and endlessly fascinating topic whenever it comes up naturally. Really. You really do blow it way out of proportion thus elevating it beyond any semblance of balance. Pus you don't giveit a chance.
You might notice that I never use the "c" word. A brutal, vicious word not for use by men. My conversations regarding this verboten topic are hardly ever graphic.
Now here is the kicker! In your letter, you write "I wish I could watch all you've done like I watched that movie."
REALLY, KK??? You would watch what amounts to hours and hours of a snuff film without batting an eye, but merely talking ab out an intensely loving and sensual experience or the intimacy of oral sex for a woman when she is with a man she loves or cares for or any other way a man or woman can become part of one another through their bodies and bodily fluids... This you go ballistic over? Not angry, just puzzled.
Of couse in that you are not alone. Films and TV are, full of the most graphic and detailed violence...closeups of GSW to the head/decapitations/the intensely detailed autopsy scenes over and over on Law and Order and CSI...over and over and over... This is all televised and filmed and watched by all ages with nary a peep of protest.
But OH MY GOD! The film Blue Valentine apparently shows something during a love scene, the producers have to fight to prevent an NC-17 rating. But if Gosling had stabbed her 50 times and the camera zoomed in on MIchele Williams' multiple bloody wounds, neck arteries pulsing her life's blood on the floor, closeups of Michele's face...There would be no objections.
Note to Kelly: If it won't cause permanent damage to your psyche (joking my dear :-) ) : When you see Blue Valentine, tell me what allt he fuss is about. Supposedly the Ratings Board relented without forcing any changes. Thank you.
> My final notes (for today) on the subject: To paraphrase you: "Oh Kelly, you don't need to be flattered, but under different circumstances in a galaxy far, far away, we would be exactly what you claim we would not be. With no danger to you from toxins. Once again, you project all you know about me now for some reason cannot see or you refuse to see that would have been at least as likely as not.
And so what? Guess what---most of the Manson girls were quite pertty and sexy as young women. I could have easily been intensely attracted to one of them if we were sutdents in the late 60s and around the same age. Is that good or bad or... No, it just is...
So my dear Kelly, when that subject or any other is appropriate or necessary I won't hesitate or shy away.
And I want to discuss all of those many other things to allow us to know each other deeply. I too say "Trust". Extend your boundaries just a bit and I promise you will never be hurt or uncomfortable. And as with all the other subjects, we will both learn more about each other.
See--no stick in the mud/NO "scolding". I think far too much of you to ever think that of you.
***
More from that particular letter to discuss, but I must get this iin the mail . So let me close with the less controversial subject we both love: MOVIES, MOVIES, MOVIES.
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
Yes, KK, so much more to talk about. Sorry I went on far too long--seems to be my nature. :-) Next letter to follow sooner rather than later. Thinking of you. Again a safe and healthy and warm holiday to you. Write soon. XOXO, Your friend, Michael
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Found the missing Ira Einhorn letter...
Hi Taurus Lady:
If putting it on paper helps, by all means do so: working things through again and again, can be an enormous help.
Scorpios can be very powerful as I have discovered from time to time. They have three levels: Serpent (Mostly), Lion (Maybe a few) and Eagle (in 200 probably none you will meet.) I'm a Taurus 2nd house 5 of my planets in the Scorpio house, so I confused love and sex for a long time and attracted everything that walked.
It took a long time to realize that good sex is a good start, but won't sustain a relationship.
I'm very solid, but am mentally mercurial and Uranian and have spent my life learning, so almost never met women who could even follow my mind,let alone understand
so
as with friends, I learned to divide and always had scads of lovers besides a girl or live-in
Didn't confuse me, but sure confused my closest ladies.
That pattern persisted until I met a wife then absolute monogamy and happy for it
but
all that roaming and vast sexual experience taught me an enormous amount I'm trying to distill into erotic tales: difficult as too much of it reads like porno and most women, today, act like whores--I'm describing, not talking in valuative terms.
Get Prelude to Initmacy and read my Taurean tale--what hte hell was she doing.
I clipped a put a picture of Marilyn Monroe in my journal recently, as the Monroe tale is still playing out.
She is in a bookstore--you are looking at her sideways. She is leaning back at an angle--tits---she had titls not breasts (reading Ulysses)--in your face.
I captioned the clipping: Ah, if tits were enough.
She yearned after knowledge and ended up with a m an who could teach her, but whose friends found her silly and pathetic and lacking empathy, he went with them.
We are all snobs in our own way, but I've learned that the willingness to learn can conquer one's learned snobbery.
Mos tpeople do not entertain ideas beyond the basics of living. They just don't care about Darwin, Marx, Einstein, etc.
I had a few friends like that and lovers, but no matter how good the blow job, I want talk in bed and other places, so I quickly learned to avoid 'Susie' --now matter how beautifuli and hot to have me in her bed, AND except for rare situations her maile counterparts never got near me.
There are always exceptions and I had affairs and friendship with people who my closet could not imagine me knowing. Do people still put the possessive case before the gerund?
I did the same with males: smoking buddies, go playing buddies, deep intellectual buddies, sex play buddies, etc.
Little overlap, so lots of jealousy that I ignored. My oldest friends just accepted the fact that part of my life were hidden.
The women who lived with me found it exciting
BUT
I'm a Taurus and come from the same place in the Zodiac --within a degree m aybe--the same degree as you.
So the excitement is froth.
What I want and found for 14 years is monogamy, TRUST, intimacy and consistency. Hard to find for a 40 year old woman in 2010 but Amir is not for you unless you thrive on heartbreak. So bite the bullet and look elsewhere as he is playing with you and will hurt you, hurt you, hurt you.
People who really feel are increasingly out of luck in this world of acceleration.
I knew NY in the 60s and 70s. I had many homles away form home there and did lots of business there. BUT never liked it and always said NO when offers came to move there.
2010 New York not a clue as the USA is business, business, business.
Like location, location, location...
The art is dreck. American lit has diappeared.
IDEAS: HA!
NOH place reigns and one warm caring body can make a world as I found and out now as the awareness spreads that it is closing time, it will grow more difficult.
Rad two small things: The Vanishing Face of Gaia by James Lovelock and End of the Wild by Stephen M. Meyer and you will see the BIG WAVE or go to a liebrary and read any chapter of Jaleb's The Black Swan.
Peace.
Ira
If putting it on paper helps, by all means do so: working things through again and again, can be an enormous help.
Scorpios can be very powerful as I have discovered from time to time. They have three levels: Serpent (Mostly), Lion (Maybe a few) and Eagle (in 200 probably none you will meet.) I'm a Taurus 2nd house 5 of my planets in the Scorpio house, so I confused love and sex for a long time and attracted everything that walked.
It took a long time to realize that good sex is a good start, but won't sustain a relationship.
I'm very solid, but am mentally mercurial and Uranian and have spent my life learning, so almost never met women who could even follow my mind,let alone understand
so
as with friends, I learned to divide and always had scads of lovers besides a girl or live-in
Didn't confuse me, but sure confused my closest ladies.
That pattern persisted until I met a wife then absolute monogamy and happy for it
but
all that roaming and vast sexual experience taught me an enormous amount I'm trying to distill into erotic tales: difficult as too much of it reads like porno and most women, today, act like whores--I'm describing, not talking in valuative terms.
Get Prelude to Initmacy and read my Taurean tale--what hte hell was she doing.
I clipped a put a picture of Marilyn Monroe in my journal recently, as the Monroe tale is still playing out.
She is in a bookstore--you are looking at her sideways. She is leaning back at an angle--tits---she had titls not breasts (reading Ulysses)--in your face.
I captioned the clipping: Ah, if tits were enough.
She yearned after knowledge and ended up with a m an who could teach her, but whose friends found her silly and pathetic and lacking empathy, he went with them.
We are all snobs in our own way, but I've learned that the willingness to learn can conquer one's learned snobbery.
Mos tpeople do not entertain ideas beyond the basics of living. They just don't care about Darwin, Marx, Einstein, etc.
I had a few friends like that and lovers, but no matter how good the blow job, I want talk in bed and other places, so I quickly learned to avoid 'Susie' --now matter how beautifuli and hot to have me in her bed, AND except for rare situations her maile counterparts never got near me.
There are always exceptions and I had affairs and friendship with people who my closet could not imagine me knowing. Do people still put the possessive case before the gerund?
I did the same with males: smoking buddies, go playing buddies, deep intellectual buddies, sex play buddies, etc.
Little overlap, so lots of jealousy that I ignored. My oldest friends just accepted the fact that part of my life were hidden.
The women who lived with me found it exciting
BUT
I'm a Taurus and come from the same place in the Zodiac --within a degree m aybe--the same degree as you.
So the excitement is froth.
What I want and found for 14 years is monogamy, TRUST, intimacy and consistency. Hard to find for a 40 year old woman in 2010 but Amir is not for you unless you thrive on heartbreak. So bite the bullet and look elsewhere as he is playing with you and will hurt you, hurt you, hurt you.
People who really feel are increasingly out of luck in this world of acceleration.
I knew NY in the 60s and 70s. I had many homles away form home there and did lots of business there. BUT never liked it and always said NO when offers came to move there.
2010 New York not a clue as the USA is business, business, business.
Like location, location, location...
The art is dreck. American lit has diappeared.
IDEAS: HA!
NOH place reigns and one warm caring body can make a world as I found and out now as the awareness spreads that it is closing time, it will grow more difficult.
Rad two small things: The Vanishing Face of Gaia by James Lovelock and End of the Wild by Stephen M. Meyer and you will see the BIG WAVE or go to a liebrary and read any chapter of Jaleb's The Black Swan.
Peace.
Ira
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #6 & 7
Ed.: I lost letter 7; I did get to read it through once and it was just more of the same--more narcissistic rambling. Here's my opinion of Einhorn: he's a bore. Really. I don't doubt he is smart and in researching him, he really was friends with some of the 60s and 70s most prominent people. However, his meglomania is exhausting.]
Hi Kelly,
I was underground and mainly out of communication with everyone for 17 years!!! That, death adn fear have taken a deep toll.
But if some were not helping, it would be a lot worse.
When you go underground, you give up everything.
My closest has reconnected, visited, etc. But I was away for two decades, so ... few left unless directly called upon and that is difficult when you are put in a black hole.
You will get my letters. I'm similar to a British Secretary: The mail comes first, but explanations of names are not for these letters as it is trivilal, administrative nonsense: Nichts to worry about. [Ed.: He is referencing my question about why his return address names and prison ID numbers are not his own. He is clearly writing in other inmates' info. on the return addresses in his own hand and that is odd. I need to know why he is doing this and clearly he is doing something very shady of which I want no part. I wrote again after this non-response of his and said while he is making it clear he doesn't want to elaborate, I must know that my letters are getting directly to him and that he isn't sharing them with other inmates. This is probably, by far, the most startling evidence of sociopathic behavior I've seen from a prisoner. Sociopaths use assumed identities all the time; they wear their own name like a hat.]
Bad flus are about. One here, now, is akin to sleeping sickness.
All I use is vitamins and try to get more sleep.
But
You are stressed (because lack of job, your current bad boy, and you don't like the cold) so sleep a little more if you can and take some good multi-vitamins (helps the immune system cope.)
The stress will get worse as t he economy is not improving anytime soon and the general news: Iraq, Iran, Afghan, North Korea, etc. is only going to get worse.
I'm the block clerk so when I bought the papers down this morning, a guy was talking about North Korea and their threatening nuclear war.
The co. had heard de rien.
I went up to chow.
As it was a football morning, I asked a couple of guys about North Korea. Both thought they had won in overtime. Welcome to my America.
Hope you feel better.
If you want serious, difficult in the USA when you are 40, clear the decks of your bad boy: he isn't going to change and you are wasting your time.
I find most americans to have serious characterological (?) defects which prevents them from maintaining any values I wish to have converse with.
I noticed it while abroad.
The women didn't know I was American. Their assumptions made me ill, so I quickly learned to avoid.
Since I've been back, what I noticed has gotten worse. If I win my federal appearl, I'm gone. Europe is a much more sympathetic place, particularly for anyone practising an art.
Europe--in spite of Hitler & Stalin--has managed to retain sme semblance of humanity.
But Western civiilzation, the West, is in great decline.
In the French countryside, I could literally monitor the decline as city ways took over and trust dissolved.
Sad.
Most dont' even know what has been lost, but that is how history functions.
My sagest political friend, an American who lives in the hills above Cannes has been providing me with info. about the decline, since I surfaced---not willingly--in 1997.
We used PGP, so we could talk freely and emailed ---similar to Twitter--very often.
He is from the old LSD crown and lived with his french lady on a catamaran for a number of years until he suffered a disabling injury.
He is a chemist and computer whiz.
I have friend like him all over the world, but must sit silently as they are shocked or frightened.
My going underground freaked a lot of people out and they just can't handle what went on.
From time to time, a book or money arrives in the mail: the wages of guilt.
I had a slew of older prominent friends: many are dead. I only pick up their deaths by reading the Trib. My closest Irish friend---A terrorist leader--suddenly disappeared. It took me two years to confirm his death.
When in Stockholm, even in a place with big windows it got dark by 2:30, so solstice is a blessing.
I was lucky, I had libraries, a novel to work on (on an old amstrad wp: look it up) and a woman I loved to hold and kiss who was a good cook and an entire city to explore.
I like scandies and they like me, so okay.
Get better.
Peace.
Hi Kelly,
I was underground and mainly out of communication with everyone for 17 years!!! That, death adn fear have taken a deep toll.
But if some were not helping, it would be a lot worse.
When you go underground, you give up everything.
My closest has reconnected, visited, etc. But I was away for two decades, so ... few left unless directly called upon and that is difficult when you are put in a black hole.
You will get my letters. I'm similar to a British Secretary: The mail comes first, but explanations of names are not for these letters as it is trivilal, administrative nonsense: Nichts to worry about. [Ed.: He is referencing my question about why his return address names and prison ID numbers are not his own. He is clearly writing in other inmates' info. on the return addresses in his own hand and that is odd. I need to know why he is doing this and clearly he is doing something very shady of which I want no part. I wrote again after this non-response of his and said while he is making it clear he doesn't want to elaborate, I must know that my letters are getting directly to him and that he isn't sharing them with other inmates. This is probably, by far, the most startling evidence of sociopathic behavior I've seen from a prisoner. Sociopaths use assumed identities all the time; they wear their own name like a hat.]
Bad flus are about. One here, now, is akin to sleeping sickness.
All I use is vitamins and try to get more sleep.
But
You are stressed (because lack of job, your current bad boy, and you don't like the cold) so sleep a little more if you can and take some good multi-vitamins (helps the immune system cope.)
The stress will get worse as t he economy is not improving anytime soon and the general news: Iraq, Iran, Afghan, North Korea, etc. is only going to get worse.
I'm the block clerk so when I bought the papers down this morning, a guy was talking about North Korea and their threatening nuclear war.
The co. had heard de rien.
I went up to chow.
As it was a football morning, I asked a couple of guys about North Korea. Both thought they had won in overtime. Welcome to my America.
Hope you feel better.
If you want serious, difficult in the USA when you are 40, clear the decks of your bad boy: he isn't going to change and you are wasting your time.
I find most americans to have serious characterological (?) defects which prevents them from maintaining any values I wish to have converse with.
I noticed it while abroad.
The women didn't know I was American. Their assumptions made me ill, so I quickly learned to avoid.
Since I've been back, what I noticed has gotten worse. If I win my federal appearl, I'm gone. Europe is a much more sympathetic place, particularly for anyone practising an art.
Europe--in spite of Hitler & Stalin--has managed to retain sme semblance of humanity.
But Western civiilzation, the West, is in great decline.
In the French countryside, I could literally monitor the decline as city ways took over and trust dissolved.
Sad.
Most dont' even know what has been lost, but that is how history functions.
My sagest political friend, an American who lives in the hills above Cannes has been providing me with info. about the decline, since I surfaced---not willingly--in 1997.
We used PGP, so we could talk freely and emailed ---similar to Twitter--very often.
He is from the old LSD crown and lived with his french lady on a catamaran for a number of years until he suffered a disabling injury.
He is a chemist and computer whiz.
I have friend like him all over the world, but must sit silently as they are shocked or frightened.
My going underground freaked a lot of people out and they just can't handle what went on.
From time to time, a book or money arrives in the mail: the wages of guilt.
I had a slew of older prominent friends: many are dead. I only pick up their deaths by reading the Trib. My closest Irish friend---A terrorist leader--suddenly disappeared. It took me two years to confirm his death.
When in Stockholm, even in a place with big windows it got dark by 2:30, so solstice is a blessing.
I was lucky, I had libraries, a novel to work on (on an old amstrad wp: look it up) and a woman I loved to hold and kiss who was a good cook and an entire city to explore.
I like scandies and they like me, so okay.
Get better.
Peace.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #53
Dear Kelly,
What a great Christmas card! I laughed heartily at it and nearly everytime I see it, I giggle. Good humor for hard times. Thank you.
Speaking of hard times, I can't believe Amir offered to move you in with his MOTHER. To him, that is a huge step a big show of how close he will let you get to him. To you it is not enough. To a third party, that could be a huge step to get in good with the family,. Still it's weird--in DC. I commend you for holding out and not attending his Thanksgiving.
I don't agree that he lacks empathy and has no conscience. You two just don't value the same things. He believes in polygamy and you want monogamy. And both of you are standing your grounds. He won't give in to your demands and you won't give into his. Just as much as he is trying to break your resolve by begging you to come see him, you are trying to break his by denying his pleas. to him, you have no empathy for his need for freedom of restraint. His liberty. He is a little nuts but you're a little fruity yourself. Perfect. Fruit and nuts. However, I do have to side with you in that the sending of "as long as I'm alive you will never have to worry abotu food, shelter and cable tv" will it's almost condescending. What if he offered to subsidize your rent? Would you accept?
I have not heard any news about the alien bacteria and that's exactly what that arsenic-based on is. It could take over the earth if we blew ourselves up. And Martian-life bacteria. Cool. So cool.
Thanks for thinking of me for the folder of handouts and book proposal info. Actually, you can put the whole folder in a big manilla envelope and send it as is. I look forward to it. Once I get this legal stuff out of the way. I'm going to focus back on my memoir writing. Slow and steady.
[insert doodle of a roller skate]
How did the roller disco party go? PLEASE tell me you took photos. Dear God that had to be an interesting night. I think Disco was invented so white poeple could dance. I think I am reincarnated from a mid-30s aged man who died in 1979. That would have made him a flower child growing up in the 60s and 70s. --which explains my peace, love, and happiness spirit, love of folk music, and previous preference for pot. Then the fantastic rock of the 70s and a love for disco--- I'm a disco queen, naturally and swoon over Led Zeppelin, and him being a man explains my love for women and my tendency to do dumb shit.
Please send me a photo of your tree! And any of the other yummy meals you cook/eat. I must live vicariously.
What a great puzzle art project. I vote you do the blackboard with a tiny eraser and chalk. First of all, that is unique and secondly, it speaks of the ephemeral state of life and the possibilities of the future as endless---we can create ANYTHING!
However, with your romantic history, perhaps LOVE IS PUZZLING, surrounded by photos of your exes wearing painted-on horns, moustaches or targets might be a thought---
Hey! I just your LOVE IS PUZZLING picture in the mail tonight. and I had no idea how large the puzzle pieces were!! 24X24 is a lot of room to work with . What a great idea to work with only stuff you already had in your apartment! that way you have a unique medium---who would have thought of stick tile and nail polish.? You did a great job Kelly. Andn ow you'll be part of a project thousands of people see next year. I'm not sure how they will show the piece---if each piece is 2' tall, overlap by 6"--then 10 of them would stand 15 ft trall, which of course I know gallery ceilings are tall, some of those gran rooms have 25ft tall ceilings, maybe 30ft? So 15 pieces tall? That's 333 pieces wide--that's like 500 ft wide one hell of an exhibit. When its shown in NY, can you photograph your place in it?
Isn't it neat to contribute to an art exhibit? I do that through the mail--called Mail Art. Some are individuals, but several museums advertise for submissions for mailart exhibits all around the world. I've put in pieces to Indonesia, France, Canada, Venezuela and Holland. Feels good to be in part of other people's moments in their lives.
CanI just say you shoudl call up the project artist and share wiht him your experience of the project and strike up another conversation maybe find out what artsy thing he'll be at and see if he is your ticket to being Kelly Kelly. I know that tidbit did not escape you.
I enjoyed painting a few black, white and red envelopes for you, as I know how serious you are about it. I noticed that the cool red Christmas envelope was adorned with a black and white silver screen actress. Cleaver. I noticed we have a black and red broom to clean with and I thought, "Oh -- Kelly would love this." Apparently the BWR combo is popular in kitchens? I wonder if there's anyone (or how many?) who has their entire home BWR like you? If Mini had been brown or tan, would you have still taken him home?
The lawyer John retained is probably a friend or a friend of a friend who doesn't know what a douchebag he is and was probably fed some sob story about how you are discriminating against him--or that he told you beforehand, the relationship didn't work out, and scorned you made up the story using his "condition" against him and it is you that is unethical. The attorney things she's fighting against discrimination, while she's ignoring that you could have been fighting for your life, slowing leeching from you.
FUCK THIS DOUCHEBAG, VIRUS-INFECTED ASS. I HOPE HE GOES IMPOTENT.
Thanks for the info on a subscription to Creative Non-Fiction.
You asked about my suicide ordeals. At 16, I swallowed like 90 antidepressants with day-old, hot, flat 7-Up. LIke an hour later, I wobbled into a park, crawled under a tree, smoked some pot, and then puked up huge glop into raw dust/dirt. I was desperate to die, so I picked up the dirty puke and ate it--I guess all the pills broke open together and the powder sort of congealed? I got spooked by all the barking dogs, thinking the cops were after me, and went back to the car, drove two blocks and passed out. Woke up, puked. Pass out. Woke up the next morning cold and pissed off that I was not dead. However, I was kind of euphoric---apparently while it will NOT kill you, 90 Prozac will flood your brain with happy feeilngs. I was 16. I didn't know what I now know---that you need a tricyclic anti-depressant to kill yourself---about 1500 mg of amytriptaline will do it, though I would recommend washing it down with some booze.
I was going to put this in the previous letter but I hesitated because I know your history and tendency to go DOWN THERE. But since you asked, and I firmly believe in the righ to die, and I think if people choose to die, whether at 75 with Alzheimers or 35 with cancer or whatevger, it should be as painless and as least traumatizing as possible.
The top 3 least painful ways to die by your own hand----1) a gunshot to the head Very effective, quick, and painless. Unless you fuck it up. Don't try using a long-ass rifle and pulling the trigger with your toes. I actually know a lady who did that. She was a nurse hooked on pain pills, terribly depressed, shot herself and not only did her kids find her, but it blew out her breast implant, deflated the other one and one lung, part of her intestines and some other stuff. I think she was aiming for her heart, slipped and used a buckshot or whatever, and all the little pieces ravaged her insides. She now has no boob on one side, half a boob on the other, lives on laxatives and anti-depressants, an ddo you know the police actually charged her with attempted suicide? What a fucking joke. It's the only crive you don't get charged with if you succeed, or pay for if you don't. How stupid.
Second, as noted vodka with a side of amytryptaline.
Third is a variation of the old head-in-the-oven and hose from car tailpipe to driver's side window in the privacy of your own garage. Well, neither of these work these days, at leaswt, not like they used to. I can't remember what differences were in the gases between then and now, but I remember ruling hte oven out,. It may have been a technical problem, like the open area of the kitchen. Not sure. But the idea you are working with is a gas replacement in your lungs/blood stream/brain to rob it of oxygen.
Now, you can achieve this through asphixiation by simply cutting off oxygen intake, but what happens is that you get a build up of CO2 --and your lungs cannot process back in carbon dioxide, so you go through a lot of chest pain so you suffocate, even if this is not done manually, say, by strangulation, but rather by trash bag over the head, duct taped at the neck. Very traumatic for about 2 minutes until you pass out, then another 2 minutes while you go kapoot. Not pleasant.
What you do to avoid feeling the depletion of your oxygen is to maintain that exchange in living tissue. CO Carbon Monoxide would work, but if you try sucking on a tailpipe now, it's the same suffocation feuling as you get from the aforementioned methods. This, you can thank the inventors of the catalytic converter. What used to come out of your tailpipe was the result of incompletely combusted petroleum, carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons. The catalytic converter re-oxidizes the air so now it becomes carbon dioxide and water.
The alternative is to use [Ed.: Can't read next word] gas to complete the lung exchange at the membrane. Here's the process: You set up a relatively well-sealed tent, preferably large enough to be comfortable laying prone or sitting Indian style. Take a book or some soothing music on your iPod. Now there may be some seizing going on after you pass out. Don't worry, if it does happen you won't feel it, but you need to make sure your tent is durable. You dont' want to rrip it open and get flooded with oxygen after you're severely brain damaged, but not quite dead. I dont' know if there's a per-ade air-tight tent out there, but I'd planned on making my own. You can use a puptent or one of those nylon crawl tubes.
Things to remember--the larger your tent, the more oxygen will be in there to begin with and you'll have to breath in and process this, which drags out the time, and requires a greater volume of inert gas, which will be in a big metal tank/canister, taking up space, money, and will be a bitch hauling up three flights of stairs.
So, if you aren't claustrophobic, get a nylon crawl tube. I don't know the technical name for them. We used to teach the dogs to go through them, but the kids played in them too. They have plastic/wire rings covered in nylon mesh that expands with open ends. 10 ft long will do to make room for you to lay down with a tank at the end. If you want more comfort, get a one-or-two person tent. You'll also need either thick 55 gallon trash bags, or plastic sheeting like 3 mil or 5mil from Lowes or Home Depot. I think the Jello type name for it is Visqueen or Viscune--the name comes from what its made from---viscose--used in the manufacturing of cellophane--of of those commercial kitchen rolls should do. Grab a roll of duct tape, too. Wrap up your tend all around, leaving your little opening to get in. You'll duct tape yourself in. Now the tank you can put in with you or leave outside and connect a hose duct-taped through your entry hold once you've turned it on. You'll probably want to poke a hole in the cellophane next to it for excess gas to escape, otherwise the pressure buildup might pop a seam and let in oxygen. If the hole is small then you'll only have negative air flow, which is good for balance while you are in the in-between state of unconsciousness.
As far as gases go, your choices are: Radon, Xenon, Krypton, Argon--recognize these yet? Neon and Helium. Radon comes from the radioactive decay of radium, which I think si pretty rare so I don't know why we used to have to get the house checked for radon when we were kids. I guess because it will kill you. Duh. Xenon is used in strobe lights. Krypton is used in flourescent lights, as is argon and neon. Argon can be bought at a welding gas supply company., because it's used as a gas shield when welding. But of course, my plan was Helium.
Now, I got pretty far with all of this, however, I obviously didn't do it. Most of it I constructed from bits and pieces of info I learned in physiology, chemistry and the internet. I did find helpful tips on methods I didn't want to try, but no specific directions like these. Then again, I was usually at work and in a rush to make the last bus. But here's what I deduced.
Helium boils at some ridiculously cold temperative, like -200C or something. That's why it's always gas at room temp. In order to get it in those tanks, it was probably cooled and capped, so when it ocmes out if will be chilly to some degree. Late fall chilly or deep Antartic winter chilly, I don't know. You can find out the temp of it inside and with ambient temperature in the tent along with your exhalation, some entropy will occur. I'm guessing you should wear long thermals and a sweater, take a couple blankets for both comfort and practical use, just in case.
The great thing about this method is that although it occurs painlessly and relatively quickly it takes a lot of preparation which is a safeguard against impulsive behavior.
The other thing I do not know is exactly how much of it you would need. That's why I suggest a smaller tent. Even if you used a standard two-person Coleman--that's like 6'5" in diameterwith a parboiled top. You can't ever stand up one so it is probably less than 5' tall. I'd just buy the biggest tank at Party City and pay for delivery. That way you don't have to lug it upstairs on the Subway. And besides, if it's your last purchase, why be cheap? And risk being veggie girl? No way! Go big. In fact, if it were me, I'd buy two. Here's why----
The longst part is the setup, the second longest is using the oxygen already in the tent, and then in your bloodstream/cells. Your cells--including your brain and heart and all other of your living tissue cells use oxygen for fuel in though the little sacs on the lungs and farts out CO2. If you break back in CO2, or if you can't breath back in, your lungs will stay full of CO2, but it can't pass back in through the membranes , so its like hitting a brick wall. Your saces are desperately pulling for something, anything and nothing will pass back in. That's the pain you'd feel of suffocation. You'll lose consciousness after a few minutes of agony.
No trauma, no pain. you know how I know for sure? Because it is the reason why people come to check the radon levels and why parents buy carbon monoxide monitors to hang in the hallway. It's odorless, colorless, and you don't have a clue what is going on until you're ready for a nap.
So that's my long, drawn-out, well though out and researched method of self-disposal if you want to save your face and die pretty. Those gunshot suicides are probably pretty ugly. And if you don't have ready access to a pharmaceutical hobbyist...
Shit, it's nearly 2am and I am sleepy. I hope this finds you well and in no desire for any long-term naps. However, I shared because I think we should all be able to decide our exit strategy if an emergency arrives. Or at least entertain you.
Can't wait for photos. I need some more joy in my life. The shit is getting deep around here. I feel like I'm in an asylum and it's the lunatics that are in charge. Oh yeah, I went to a review Friday and got a new and improved bullshit reason for being kept in solitary. This place is unbelievable. Merry Christmas. Eat some pie for me.
Peace,
Sarah
Happy Christmas.
What a great Christmas card! I laughed heartily at it and nearly everytime I see it, I giggle. Good humor for hard times. Thank you.
Speaking of hard times, I can't believe Amir offered to move you in with his MOTHER. To him, that is a huge step a big show of how close he will let you get to him. To you it is not enough. To a third party, that could be a huge step to get in good with the family,. Still it's weird--in DC. I commend you for holding out and not attending his Thanksgiving.
I don't agree that he lacks empathy and has no conscience. You two just don't value the same things. He believes in polygamy and you want monogamy. And both of you are standing your grounds. He won't give in to your demands and you won't give into his. Just as much as he is trying to break your resolve by begging you to come see him, you are trying to break his by denying his pleas. to him, you have no empathy for his need for freedom of restraint. His liberty. He is a little nuts but you're a little fruity yourself. Perfect. Fruit and nuts. However, I do have to side with you in that the sending of "as long as I'm alive you will never have to worry abotu food, shelter and cable tv" will it's almost condescending. What if he offered to subsidize your rent? Would you accept?
I have not heard any news about the alien bacteria and that's exactly what that arsenic-based on is. It could take over the earth if we blew ourselves up. And Martian-life bacteria. Cool. So cool.
Thanks for thinking of me for the folder of handouts and book proposal info. Actually, you can put the whole folder in a big manilla envelope and send it as is. I look forward to it. Once I get this legal stuff out of the way. I'm going to focus back on my memoir writing. Slow and steady.
[insert doodle of a roller skate]
How did the roller disco party go? PLEASE tell me you took photos. Dear God that had to be an interesting night. I think Disco was invented so white poeple could dance. I think I am reincarnated from a mid-30s aged man who died in 1979. That would have made him a flower child growing up in the 60s and 70s. --which explains my peace, love, and happiness spirit, love of folk music, and previous preference for pot. Then the fantastic rock of the 70s and a love for disco--- I'm a disco queen, naturally and swoon over Led Zeppelin, and him being a man explains my love for women and my tendency to do dumb shit.
Please send me a photo of your tree! And any of the other yummy meals you cook/eat. I must live vicariously.
What a great puzzle art project. I vote you do the blackboard with a tiny eraser and chalk. First of all, that is unique and secondly, it speaks of the ephemeral state of life and the possibilities of the future as endless---we can create ANYTHING!
However, with your romantic history, perhaps LOVE IS PUZZLING, surrounded by photos of your exes wearing painted-on horns, moustaches or targets might be a thought---
Hey! I just your LOVE IS PUZZLING picture in the mail tonight. and I had no idea how large the puzzle pieces were!! 24X24 is a lot of room to work with . What a great idea to work with only stuff you already had in your apartment! that way you have a unique medium---who would have thought of stick tile and nail polish.? You did a great job Kelly. Andn ow you'll be part of a project thousands of people see next year. I'm not sure how they will show the piece---if each piece is 2' tall, overlap by 6"--then 10 of them would stand 15 ft trall, which of course I know gallery ceilings are tall, some of those gran rooms have 25ft tall ceilings, maybe 30ft? So 15 pieces tall? That's 333 pieces wide--that's like 500 ft wide one hell of an exhibit. When its shown in NY, can you photograph your place in it?
Isn't it neat to contribute to an art exhibit? I do that through the mail--called Mail Art. Some are individuals, but several museums advertise for submissions for mailart exhibits all around the world. I've put in pieces to Indonesia, France, Canada, Venezuela and Holland. Feels good to be in part of other people's moments in their lives.
CanI just say you shoudl call up the project artist and share wiht him your experience of the project and strike up another conversation maybe find out what artsy thing he'll be at and see if he is your ticket to being Kelly Kelly. I know that tidbit did not escape you.
I enjoyed painting a few black, white and red envelopes for you, as I know how serious you are about it. I noticed that the cool red Christmas envelope was adorned with a black and white silver screen actress. Cleaver. I noticed we have a black and red broom to clean with and I thought, "Oh -- Kelly would love this." Apparently the BWR combo is popular in kitchens? I wonder if there's anyone (or how many?) who has their entire home BWR like you? If Mini had been brown or tan, would you have still taken him home?
The lawyer John retained is probably a friend or a friend of a friend who doesn't know what a douchebag he is and was probably fed some sob story about how you are discriminating against him--or that he told you beforehand, the relationship didn't work out, and scorned you made up the story using his "condition" against him and it is you that is unethical. The attorney things she's fighting against discrimination, while she's ignoring that you could have been fighting for your life, slowing leeching from you.
FUCK THIS DOUCHEBAG, VIRUS-INFECTED ASS. I HOPE HE GOES IMPOTENT.
Thanks for the info on a subscription to Creative Non-Fiction.
You asked about my suicide ordeals. At 16, I swallowed like 90 antidepressants with day-old, hot, flat 7-Up. LIke an hour later, I wobbled into a park, crawled under a tree, smoked some pot, and then puked up huge glop into raw dust/dirt. I was desperate to die, so I picked up the dirty puke and ate it--I guess all the pills broke open together and the powder sort of congealed? I got spooked by all the barking dogs, thinking the cops were after me, and went back to the car, drove two blocks and passed out. Woke up, puked. Pass out. Woke up the next morning cold and pissed off that I was not dead. However, I was kind of euphoric---apparently while it will NOT kill you, 90 Prozac will flood your brain with happy feeilngs. I was 16. I didn't know what I now know---that you need a tricyclic anti-depressant to kill yourself---about 1500 mg of amytriptaline will do it, though I would recommend washing it down with some booze.
I was going to put this in the previous letter but I hesitated because I know your history and tendency to go DOWN THERE. But since you asked, and I firmly believe in the righ to die, and I think if people choose to die, whether at 75 with Alzheimers or 35 with cancer or whatevger, it should be as painless and as least traumatizing as possible.
The top 3 least painful ways to die by your own hand----1) a gunshot to the head Very effective, quick, and painless. Unless you fuck it up. Don't try using a long-ass rifle and pulling the trigger with your toes. I actually know a lady who did that. She was a nurse hooked on pain pills, terribly depressed, shot herself and not only did her kids find her, but it blew out her breast implant, deflated the other one and one lung, part of her intestines and some other stuff. I think she was aiming for her heart, slipped and used a buckshot or whatever, and all the little pieces ravaged her insides. She now has no boob on one side, half a boob on the other, lives on laxatives and anti-depressants, an ddo you know the police actually charged her with attempted suicide? What a fucking joke. It's the only crive you don't get charged with if you succeed, or pay for if you don't. How stupid.
Second, as noted vodka with a side of amytryptaline.
Third is a variation of the old head-in-the-oven and hose from car tailpipe to driver's side window in the privacy of your own garage. Well, neither of these work these days, at leaswt, not like they used to. I can't remember what differences were in the gases between then and now, but I remember ruling hte oven out,. It may have been a technical problem, like the open area of the kitchen. Not sure. But the idea you are working with is a gas replacement in your lungs/blood stream/brain to rob it of oxygen.
Now, you can achieve this through asphixiation by simply cutting off oxygen intake, but what happens is that you get a build up of CO2 --and your lungs cannot process back in carbon dioxide, so you go through a lot of chest pain so you suffocate, even if this is not done manually, say, by strangulation, but rather by trash bag over the head, duct taped at the neck. Very traumatic for about 2 minutes until you pass out, then another 2 minutes while you go kapoot. Not pleasant.
What you do to avoid feeling the depletion of your oxygen is to maintain that exchange in living tissue. CO Carbon Monoxide would work, but if you try sucking on a tailpipe now, it's the same suffocation feuling as you get from the aforementioned methods. This, you can thank the inventors of the catalytic converter. What used to come out of your tailpipe was the result of incompletely combusted petroleum, carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons. The catalytic converter re-oxidizes the air so now it becomes carbon dioxide and water.
The alternative is to use [Ed.: Can't read next word] gas to complete the lung exchange at the membrane. Here's the process: You set up a relatively well-sealed tent, preferably large enough to be comfortable laying prone or sitting Indian style. Take a book or some soothing music on your iPod. Now there may be some seizing going on after you pass out. Don't worry, if it does happen you won't feel it, but you need to make sure your tent is durable. You dont' want to rrip it open and get flooded with oxygen after you're severely brain damaged, but not quite dead. I dont' know if there's a per-ade air-tight tent out there, but I'd planned on making my own. You can use a puptent or one of those nylon crawl tubes.
Things to remember--the larger your tent, the more oxygen will be in there to begin with and you'll have to breath in and process this, which drags out the time, and requires a greater volume of inert gas, which will be in a big metal tank/canister, taking up space, money, and will be a bitch hauling up three flights of stairs.
So, if you aren't claustrophobic, get a nylon crawl tube. I don't know the technical name for them. We used to teach the dogs to go through them, but the kids played in them too. They have plastic/wire rings covered in nylon mesh that expands with open ends. 10 ft long will do to make room for you to lay down with a tank at the end. If you want more comfort, get a one-or-two person tent. You'll also need either thick 55 gallon trash bags, or plastic sheeting like 3 mil or 5mil from Lowes or Home Depot. I think the Jello type name for it is Visqueen or Viscune--the name comes from what its made from---viscose--used in the manufacturing of cellophane--of of those commercial kitchen rolls should do. Grab a roll of duct tape, too. Wrap up your tend all around, leaving your little opening to get in. You'll duct tape yourself in. Now the tank you can put in with you or leave outside and connect a hose duct-taped through your entry hold once you've turned it on. You'll probably want to poke a hole in the cellophane next to it for excess gas to escape, otherwise the pressure buildup might pop a seam and let in oxygen. If the hole is small then you'll only have negative air flow, which is good for balance while you are in the in-between state of unconsciousness.
As far as gases go, your choices are: Radon, Xenon, Krypton, Argon--recognize these yet? Neon and Helium. Radon comes from the radioactive decay of radium, which I think si pretty rare so I don't know why we used to have to get the house checked for radon when we were kids. I guess because it will kill you. Duh. Xenon is used in strobe lights. Krypton is used in flourescent lights, as is argon and neon. Argon can be bought at a welding gas supply company., because it's used as a gas shield when welding. But of course, my plan was Helium.
Now, I got pretty far with all of this, however, I obviously didn't do it. Most of it I constructed from bits and pieces of info I learned in physiology, chemistry and the internet. I did find helpful tips on methods I didn't want to try, but no specific directions like these. Then again, I was usually at work and in a rush to make the last bus. But here's what I deduced.
Helium boils at some ridiculously cold temperative, like -200C or something. That's why it's always gas at room temp. In order to get it in those tanks, it was probably cooled and capped, so when it ocmes out if will be chilly to some degree. Late fall chilly or deep Antartic winter chilly, I don't know. You can find out the temp of it inside and with ambient temperature in the tent along with your exhalation, some entropy will occur. I'm guessing you should wear long thermals and a sweater, take a couple blankets for both comfort and practical use, just in case.
The great thing about this method is that although it occurs painlessly and relatively quickly it takes a lot of preparation which is a safeguard against impulsive behavior.
The other thing I do not know is exactly how much of it you would need. That's why I suggest a smaller tent. Even if you used a standard two-person Coleman--that's like 6'5" in diameterwith a parboiled top. You can't ever stand up one so it is probably less than 5' tall. I'd just buy the biggest tank at Party City and pay for delivery. That way you don't have to lug it upstairs on the Subway. And besides, if it's your last purchase, why be cheap? And risk being veggie girl? No way! Go big. In fact, if it were me, I'd buy two. Here's why----
The longst part is the setup, the second longest is using the oxygen already in the tent, and then in your bloodstream/cells. Your cells--including your brain and heart and all other of your living tissue cells use oxygen for fuel in though the little sacs on the lungs and farts out CO2. If you break back in CO2, or if you can't breath back in, your lungs will stay full of CO2, but it can't pass back in through the membranes , so its like hitting a brick wall. Your saces are desperately pulling for something, anything and nothing will pass back in. That's the pain you'd feel of suffocation. You'll lose consciousness after a few minutes of agony.
No trauma, no pain. you know how I know for sure? Because it is the reason why people come to check the radon levels and why parents buy carbon monoxide monitors to hang in the hallway. It's odorless, colorless, and you don't have a clue what is going on until you're ready for a nap.
So that's my long, drawn-out, well though out and researched method of self-disposal if you want to save your face and die pretty. Those gunshot suicides are probably pretty ugly. And if you don't have ready access to a pharmaceutical hobbyist...
Shit, it's nearly 2am and I am sleepy. I hope this finds you well and in no desire for any long-term naps. However, I shared because I think we should all be able to decide our exit strategy if an emergency arrives. Or at least entertain you.
Can't wait for photos. I need some more joy in my life. The shit is getting deep around here. I feel like I'm in an asylum and it's the lunatics that are in charge. Oh yeah, I went to a review Friday and got a new and improved bullshit reason for being kept in solitary. This place is unbelievable. Merry Christmas. Eat some pie for me.
Peace,
Sarah
Happy Christmas.
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #104
Dear Kelly,
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portmanis getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portmanis getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
