Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #53

Dear Kelly,

What a great Christmas card! I laughed heartily at it and nearly everytime I see it, I giggle. Good humor for hard times. Thank you.

Speaking of hard times, I can't believe Amir offered to move you in with his MOTHER. To him, that is a huge step a big show of how close he will let you get to him. To you it is not enough. To a third party, that could be a huge step to get in good with the family,. Still it's weird--in DC. I commend you for holding out and not attending his Thanksgiving.

I don't agree that he lacks empathy and has no conscience. You two just don't value the same things. He believes in polygamy and you want monogamy. And both of you are standing your grounds. He won't give in to your demands and you won't give into his. Just as much as he is trying to break your resolve by begging you to come see him, you are trying to break his by denying his pleas. to him, you have no empathy for his need for freedom of restraint. His liberty. He is a little nuts but you're a little fruity yourself. Perfect. Fruit and nuts. However, I do have to side with you in that the sending of "as long as I'm alive you will never have to worry abotu food, shelter and cable tv" will it's almost condescending. What if he offered to subsidize your rent? Would you accept?

I have not heard any news about the alien bacteria and that's exactly what that arsenic-based on is. It could take over the earth if we blew ourselves up. And Martian-life bacteria. Cool. So cool.

Thanks for thinking of me for the folder of handouts and book proposal info. Actually, you can put the whole folder in a big manilla envelope and send it as is. I look forward to it. Once I get this legal stuff out of the way. I'm going to focus back on my memoir writing. Slow and steady.

[insert doodle of a roller skate]

How did the roller disco party go? PLEASE tell me you took photos. Dear God that had to be an interesting night. I think Disco was invented so white poeple could dance. I think I am reincarnated from a mid-30s aged man who died in 1979. That would have made him a flower child growing up in the 60s and 70s. --which explains my peace, love, and happiness spirit, love of folk music, and previous preference for pot. Then the fantastic rock of the 70s and a love for disco--- I'm a disco queen, naturally and swoon over Led Zeppelin, and him being a man explains my love for women and my tendency to do dumb shit.

Please send me a photo of your tree! And any of the other yummy meals you cook/eat. I must live vicariously.

What a great puzzle art project. I vote you do the blackboard with a tiny eraser and chalk. First of all, that is unique and secondly, it speaks of the ephemeral state of life and the possibilities of the future as endless---we can create ANYTHING!

However, with your romantic history, perhaps LOVE IS PUZZLING, surrounded by photos of your exes wearing painted-on horns, moustaches or targets might be a thought---

Hey! I just your LOVE IS PUZZLING picture in the mail tonight. and I had no idea how large the puzzle pieces were!! 24X24 is a lot of room to work with . What a great idea to work with only stuff you already had in your apartment! that way you have a unique medium---who would have thought of stick tile and nail polish.? You did a great job Kelly. Andn ow you'll be part of a project thousands of people see next year. I'm not sure how they will show the piece---if each piece is 2' tall, overlap by 6"--then 10 of them would stand 15 ft trall, which of course I know gallery ceilings are tall, some of those gran rooms have 25ft tall ceilings, maybe 30ft? So 15 pieces tall? That's 333 pieces wide--that's like 500 ft wide one hell of an exhibit. When its shown in NY, can you photograph your place in it?

Isn't it neat to contribute to an art exhibit? I do that through the mail--called Mail Art. Some are individuals, but several museums advertise for submissions for mailart exhibits all around the world. I've put in pieces to Indonesia, France, Canada, Venezuela and Holland. Feels good to be in part of other people's moments in their lives.

CanI just say you shoudl call up the project artist and share wiht him your experience of the project and strike up another conversation maybe find out what artsy thing he'll be at and see if he is your ticket to being Kelly Kelly. I know that tidbit did not escape you.

I enjoyed painting a few black, white and red envelopes for you, as I know how serious you are about it. I noticed that the cool red Christmas envelope was adorned with a black and white silver screen actress. Cleaver. I noticed we have a black and red broom to clean with and I thought, "Oh -- Kelly would love this." Apparently the BWR combo is popular in kitchens? I wonder if there's anyone (or how many?) who has their entire home BWR like you? If Mini had been brown or tan, would you have still taken him home?

The lawyer John retained is probably a friend or a friend of a friend who doesn't know what a douchebag he is and was probably fed some sob story about how you are discriminating against him--or that he told you beforehand, the relationship didn't work out, and scorned you made up the story using his "condition" against him and it is you that is unethical. The attorney things she's fighting against discrimination, while she's ignoring that you could have been fighting for your life, slowing leeching from you.

FUCK THIS DOUCHEBAG, VIRUS-INFECTED ASS. I HOPE HE GOES IMPOTENT.

Thanks for the info on a subscription to Creative Non-Fiction.

You asked about my suicide ordeals. At 16, I swallowed like 90 antidepressants with day-old, hot, flat 7-Up. LIke an hour later, I wobbled into a park, crawled under a tree, smoked some pot, and then puked up huge glop into raw dust/dirt. I was desperate to die, so I picked up the dirty puke and ate it--I guess all the pills broke open together and the powder sort of congealed? I got spooked by all the barking dogs, thinking the cops were after me, and went back to the car, drove two blocks and passed out. Woke up, puked. Pass out. Woke up the next morning cold and pissed off that I was not dead. However, I was kind of euphoric---apparently while it will NOT kill you, 90 Prozac will flood your brain with happy feeilngs. I was 16. I didn't know what I now know---that you need a tricyclic anti-depressant to kill yourself---about 1500 mg of amytriptaline will do it, though I would recommend washing it down with some booze.

I was going to put this in the previous letter but I hesitated because I know your history and tendency to go DOWN THERE. But since you asked, and I firmly believe in the righ to die, and I think if people choose to die, whether at 75 with Alzheimers or 35 with cancer or whatevger, it should be as painless and as least traumatizing as possible.

The top 3 least painful ways to die by your own hand----1) a gunshot to the head Very effective, quick, and painless. Unless you fuck it up. Don't try using a long-ass rifle and pulling the trigger with your toes. I actually know a lady who did that. She was a nurse hooked on pain pills, terribly depressed, shot herself and not only did her kids find her, but it blew out her breast implant, deflated the other one and one lung, part of her intestines and some other stuff. I think she was aiming for her heart, slipped and used a buckshot or whatever, and all the little pieces ravaged her insides. She now has no boob on one side, half a boob on the other, lives on laxatives and anti-depressants, an ddo you know the police actually charged her with attempted suicide? What a fucking joke. It's the only crive you don't get charged with if you succeed, or pay for if you don't. How stupid.

Second, as noted vodka with a side of amytryptaline.

Third is a variation of the old head-in-the-oven and hose from car tailpipe to driver's side window in the privacy of your own garage. Well, neither of these work these days, at leaswt, not like they used to. I can't remember what differences were in the gases between then and now, but I remember ruling hte oven out,. It may have been a technical problem, like the open area of the kitchen. Not sure. But the idea you are working with is a gas replacement in your lungs/blood stream/brain to rob it of oxygen.

Now, you can achieve this through asphixiation by simply cutting off oxygen intake, but what happens is that you get a build up of CO2 --and your lungs cannot process back in carbon dioxide, so you go through a lot of chest pain so you suffocate, even if this is not done manually, say, by strangulation, but rather by trash bag over the head, duct taped at the neck. Very traumatic for about 2 minutes until you pass out, then another 2 minutes while you go kapoot. Not pleasant.

What you do to avoid feeling the depletion of your oxygen is to maintain that exchange in living tissue. CO Carbon Monoxide would work, but if you try sucking on a tailpipe now, it's the same suffocation feuling as you get from the aforementioned methods. This, you can thank the inventors of the catalytic converter. What used to come out of your tailpipe was the result of incompletely combusted petroleum, carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons. The catalytic converter re-oxidizes the air so now it becomes carbon dioxide and water.

The alternative is to use [Ed.: Can't read next word] gas to complete the lung exchange at the membrane. Here's the process: You set up a relatively well-sealed tent, preferably large enough to be comfortable laying prone or sitting Indian style. Take a book or some soothing music on your iPod. Now there may be some seizing going on after you pass out. Don't worry, if it does happen you won't feel it, but you need to make sure your tent is durable. You dont' want to rrip it open and get flooded with oxygen after you're severely brain damaged, but not quite dead. I dont' know if there's a per-ade air-tight tent out there, but I'd planned on making my own. You can use a puptent or one of those nylon crawl tubes.

Things to remember--the larger your tent, the more oxygen will be in there to begin with and you'll have to breath in and process this, which drags out the time, and requires a greater volume of inert gas, which will be in a big metal tank/canister, taking up space, money, and will be a bitch hauling up three flights of stairs.

So, if you aren't claustrophobic, get a nylon crawl tube. I don't know the technical name for them. We used to teach the dogs to go through them, but the kids played in them too. They have plastic/wire rings covered in nylon mesh that expands with open ends. 10 ft long will do to make room for you to lay down with a tank at the end. If you want more comfort, get a one-or-two person tent. You'll also need either thick 55 gallon trash bags, or plastic sheeting like 3 mil or 5mil from Lowes or Home Depot. I think the Jello type name for it is Visqueen or Viscune--the name comes from what its made from---viscose--used in the manufacturing of cellophane--of of those commercial kitchen rolls should do. Grab a roll of duct tape, too. Wrap up your tend all around, leaving your little opening to get in. You'll duct tape yourself in. Now the tank you can put in with you or leave outside and connect a hose duct-taped through your entry hold once you've turned it on. You'll probably want to poke a hole in the cellophane next to it for excess gas to escape, otherwise the pressure buildup might pop a seam and let in oxygen. If the hole is small then you'll only have negative air flow, which is good for balance while you are in the in-between state of unconsciousness.

As far as gases go, your choices are: Radon, Xenon, Krypton, Argon--recognize these yet? Neon and Helium. Radon comes from the radioactive decay of radium, which I think si pretty rare so I don't know why we used to have to get the house checked for radon when we were kids. I guess because it will kill you. Duh. Xenon is used in strobe lights. Krypton is used in flourescent lights, as is argon and neon. Argon can be bought at a welding gas supply company., because it's used as a gas shield when welding. But of course, my plan was Helium.

Now, I got pretty far with all of this, however, I obviously didn't do it. Most of it I constructed from bits and pieces of info I learned in physiology, chemistry and the internet. I did find helpful tips on methods I didn't want to try, but no specific directions like these. Then again, I was usually at work and in a rush to make the last bus. But here's what I deduced.

Helium boils at some ridiculously cold temperative, like -200C or something. That's why it's always gas at room temp. In order to get it in those tanks, it was probably cooled and capped, so when it ocmes out if will be chilly to some degree. Late fall chilly or deep Antartic winter chilly, I don't know. You can find out the temp of it inside and with ambient temperature in the tent along with your exhalation, some entropy will occur. I'm guessing you should wear long thermals and a sweater, take a couple blankets for both comfort and practical use, just in case.

The great thing about this method is that although it occurs painlessly and relatively quickly it takes a lot of preparation which is a safeguard against impulsive behavior.

The other thing I do not know is exactly how much of it you would need. That's why I suggest a smaller tent. Even if you used a standard two-person Coleman--that's like 6'5" in diameterwith a parboiled top. You can't ever stand up one so it is probably less than 5' tall. I'd just buy the biggest tank at Party City and pay for delivery. That way you don't have to lug it upstairs on the Subway. And besides, if it's your last purchase, why be cheap? And risk being veggie girl? No way! Go big. In fact, if it were me, I'd buy two. Here's why----


The longst part is the setup, the second longest is using the oxygen already in the tent, and then in your bloodstream/cells. Your cells--including your brain and heart and all other of your living tissue cells use oxygen for fuel in though the little sacs on the lungs and farts out CO2. If you break back in CO2, or if you can't breath back in, your lungs will stay full of CO2, but it can't pass back in through the membranes , so its like hitting a brick wall. Your saces are desperately pulling for something, anything and nothing will pass back in. That's the pain you'd feel of suffocation. You'll lose consciousness after a few minutes of agony.

No trauma, no pain. you know how I know for sure? Because it is the reason why people come to check the radon levels and why parents buy carbon monoxide monitors to hang in the hallway. It's odorless, colorless, and you don't have a clue what is going on until you're ready for a nap.

So that's my long, drawn-out, well though out and researched method of self-disposal if you want to save your face and die pretty. Those gunshot suicides are probably pretty ugly. And if you don't have ready access to a pharmaceutical hobbyist...

Shit, it's nearly 2am and I am sleepy. I hope this finds you well and in no desire for any long-term naps. However, I shared because I think we should all be able to decide our exit strategy if an emergency arrives. Or at least entertain you.

Can't wait for photos. I need some more joy in my life. The shit is getting deep around here. I feel like I'm in an asylum and it's the lunatics that are in charge. Oh yeah, I went to a review Friday and got a new and improved bullshit reason for being kept in solitary. This place is unbelievable. Merry Christmas. Eat some pie for me.

Peace,

Sarah

Happy Christmas.