Dear Kelly,
Thank you for contacting Michele and recommending my submission. (Ed.: As a publicist I belong to a service that lists reporters/author's queries. I read one by an author who is seeking non-fiction essays from female prisoners for a book, so I recommended Sarah. They have gotten together and the wheels are in motion.) That you saw it and thought of me and that she had wanted a submission from a convicted prisoner is synchronicity to me. Tonight I am vividly reminded of the intricacies of the Universe as my mother sent me a copy of the nine four-leaf clovers I found on the night before I escaped. I think about how many signs I misinterpreted along the way, or missed all together until it was too late. Often, too often, I got the message, and then talked myself out of it, trying to be rational. Fooey. No more.
I will write a story this week. And I have another one already written that needs to be edited. After I wrote it I reread it and it even moved me in a tangible way. I inhaled sharply and felt the pang of hormone surge into my bloodstream. I think it is a worthy story when you can inspire yourself. :-)
OMG. Total nutsy guy in the laundry mat. You ARE a magnet. Do you carry pepper spray or anything with you? Obviously he lives nearby or knows you frequent the mat. I can see how your background makes you really empathetic towards mentally unstable people. Moths to a flame...
OOOH! That reminds me! I am hooked on listening to the Moth Radio Hour each week and this week afterwards I saw down to write , and I find that i can write in a very vivid, storytelling way. It is great fuel for my creative-writing artist self. Besides, they make me laugh in a way that is healing. I want to buy a really funny book. There are only two really funny books I've ever read. One is by a zine writer with no more material. The other is Augusten Burroughs, Running With Scissors. Fucking pee-on-myself-funny I liked the David Sedaris essays you have sent. I've wondered if I should invest in a book of his. Also, Saturday, there was a Moth story by one of the guys there...Dan something. He wrote two books, Rock On and Loser Goes First. He was quite hilarious on stage. I wonder if you'd read his material? Any suggestions?
You said, "What happens on the internet, stays on the internet.". Well for one, I wonder if it is legal for them to not hire you because you have a public life that is less-than-virtuous. That certainly has no bearing on whether you can perform your job duties. And two--as always I adored your rant. So much fun. I am thinking about writing one for myself as an anger mgmt. exercise. I have been dealing with great anger these past two days towards my ex-boyfriend. Just when I think I have forgiven him for setting me up to be convicted for his murders, I have a resurgence of visions of screaming fits and throwing hard objects at his big, fat, bald head. And it disturbs me, because I cannot express my anger in here, really. I could, but they'd probably use it against me to keep me confined longer. Like, see? She's a nut. A danger to herself and others. Fucking bastards. You get sentenced to life in prisonm for something you didn't do an then stay locked in your bathroom for two years and see how motherfucking happy you'd be about it.
Wed.--Well, I was rereading over the instructions for the short stories and I don't know if I have met the criteria. There is a direction that it be a story about one moment. . Well, I wrote a story today, just this afternoon, I wrote one last night, and have a third in mind to write, as submitting for three categories gets me a better chance of being selected. But all the stories end with one moment, as a punch, but are set up by 3/4 of the essay. LIke I don't have a story that occurs in one hour or in a single place, like the essay you sent about the prison librarian. One I wrote is about my relationship with a pet ladybug who helps save my sanity over three months, but the ultimate emotional moment occurs in the last three paragraphs. Then, one about my first boyfriend. It telsl the beginning, middle and end. And a punch end moment. Then a story about my identity while out, ending with the night I was arrested. The other issue is that the whole point to the stories is that they be universal and the reader doesn't know who the writer is until the back of the book, to challenge their stereotypes, prejudices, etc. Two of mine revolve around prison escape, so obviously the reader would know I was a convicted prisoner if th story was set in prison. So I wrote/rewrote to obscure my identity. Like the one on identity, I make it seem like I am maybe a refugee, or a political prisoner, a prisoner of war or race in a country where the majority has swtiched power. It does not at all sound like AMW. The one set in solitary, I make it sound like I am either a nun or sutdent in a strict reform school. That way the reader can identify with the content, not the role. Or if they do identify with teh fole, they wil be surprised to see that a convicted prisoner shares the same experience.
All three are in first draft form (one unwritten, but I've spoken the story out loud 5 times already.) I know the deadline is 21 Nov, so I'm making it a priority to have them done in enough time for her to tell me if I need to fix them. This has been fun writing on demand. I see that if I have confidence, I write more smoothly. Often, I put so much stock in the quality that I can't get quantity out.
The fact that you have the opinion that I could contribute a publish-worthysotry is very encouraging. You are such a good, fun, concise writer, able to say things vividly and always laced with sarcasm and cynicsm that capture your unique persona and style. So I take this faith as a good compliment. Also, I look forward to getting GOOD PR instead of all that nasty shit people put on the news/internet. A guy from Belgium wrote me last night and was like WTF? about the contradictory things on the net about me. I had created an art piece for his project and he was surprised what he found on a search. I look forward to more people seeing me for me and not the bullshit propaganda out there. Thank you for helping make that happen!
Thanks for the info. on Pollack. I get the context now. It's funny how a message can take on a WHOLE NEW meaning in a different context. Context is decisive.
And yeah, fuck Amir! Or rather, let Amir fuck substandard women. GOOD FOR YOU! I declare that you Rock!
Take care and I'll write again soon!
--Sarah
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #46
Dear Kelly,
I just wrote you a page and a half and it was outlining my ideas for a YouTube video and I was like, hey, I want to keep this and send it to someone who might make this for me. Sweet. I have lots of ideas and no one yet to implement them. They will come along. I have faith in the perfect timing of the Universe...
I have spent all week entrenched in research and writing civil law arguments to build a case against them continuing to segregrate me. It has simply become ridiculous. Plus, I surprisingly have a good case. I hope I don't actually have to file it though. I want them to get over it--it's been over two years nad people have done way worse and served way less time.
Lots of focus on my creative writing. It's amazing what a little guidance will do. Oh, and today I found an old book from the 1970s, an anthology of great essayists. Virginia Woolf, EB White, George Orwell, James Baldwin, etc. Some of which I have read, but only as maybe part of an American literature class years ago. What I like about reading great writers is that their sentences are so well crafted that they inspire fountains of ideas in me. Daily, I write at least one hour, sometimes two or three, just on developing my skills. I don't think too hard about it, just write what comes naturally. I want it to be my own mind, not an imitation of someone else's. I got the coolest envelope from you today. You have such fun stationary. I tried making the stupid boat, but there's a leap of logic in the directions and after two tries, I thought, FUCK IT. Stupid Chinese directions.
"He thinks it is the Amir Show but it's not." Yes, I get it. I guess there are some poeple so afraid of missing out on something more or better that they throw away the most valuable items. Or people. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be part of his harem, I only wish it weren't so painful for you to still be his friend. Recently, an ex-girlfriend wrote me. We had a unique relationship where she adored me and always treated me the best, with the most respect, time, attn., etc. but could not stop playing around. Instead of being a girlfriend who got cheated on we were best friends who sometimes had sex. Then it was on my terms and it was more like I was using her for sex, not her being a horny player. Maybe it makes no real difference, but it sure made me feel better. Now she's like, "oh baby. I can't believe how blind I was. It was always you. I love you forever, to pieces, etc." Bittersweet.
Isn't it so much easier to find anagrams for the past or what it known, rather than the future? It reminds me of the Bible Code.
I like the artist stamps you use. One of the artists is Jackson Pollack. What is significant about his character? Was he a nutcase or something?
Tomorrow is Saturday!
You should write a blog: An Ode to Saturday.
I was thinking of getting a copy of James Joyce's Ulysses, as I have come across its name 3 times in one week--touted as one of the best novels of the 20th century. In the meantime, I'm suing the essays as a learning tool, and as a practice exercise. I'm going to flip through my latest issues of National Geographic and describe the photos, or write a story about one. I have to keep creative with limited resources. I am grateful for an almost unlimited amount of time. That's the one advantage of solitary confinement. Time to learn and grow. I sent a legal packet to Kye to show her atty friend--basic legal grounds to petition to overturn my convictions and the first thing she said after readin the cover page, "Wow. This girl could be a lawyer." Sweet.
Your gourmet dinner sounds good, but I don't know what some of it is. What is Yerba Mate? I wonder if any of the local colleges offer the same thing from their culinary courses. I know the high school down the road does. Every afternoon it's open for dining--so people pay a reduced price to eat the food the culinary students practice on.
To me, it seems that you read, write, watch TV and go so many places, that you have unlimited time too. No wonder you don't want a 9-5 job.
I liked your blog about Mini's barking and the person who said you were a jerk obviously either never had a dog in an apt. bldg. or didn't really read what you wrote. Posh on him. Only men call women jerks.
I think.
I like your pet-friendly landlord.
People use the shield of anonymity to express the inner bully they can't in real life because they'd get their asses handed to them.
My opinion---DRIFT is what you experience when you are unempowered, unable to deal powerfully with people or situations that don't work, and instead let bullshit run your life, not the Universe. The Universe sends you clues and signs to direct yourself, it's up to you to steer. Otherwise, your rudder is flopping in a river of other people's chaos. You have no direction because you TAKE no direction. You idle in indecisiveness. Pick a direction. Picking a direction is a CHOICE, not a DECISION. It's not set in stone and signed in blood. Even wrong directions: 1) terach you what you DON'T want. 2) get you moving, and 3) are better than being caughtin an eternal eddy.
HOw do you sign up to get Advanced Readers Copies of books? And how do you win so many tickets to events? Are you always signing up for stuff online? Through what? Do you Google your interests and they happen to have contests or drawings?
How was your mammogram experience? That is definitely a blogworthy experience. Any medical experience usually is. I had a colposcopy & biopsy last week and I laughed so hard up til he ripped out a hunk of tissue. Laying naked from the waist down, with a paper sheet obscuring all but the fuzzy remains of a young mane bobbing up an ddown as a disembodied voice spoke, directing me to open wider, I tenses. Then I was magically transformed from a frightened gyno patient into a Mustang GTO. As he pedaled the hydraulics, I rose up for my oil change and a little diagnostics. He greased me up, expertly weilded shiny metal tools, and plugged my leak with a bit of silver nitrate, and sent me on my way with a follow-up appt. How about that dye scan?
I like Amir. He's funny.
"Your Taliban rules." ha ha. I was going to say that he's luck you don't make him use a dental dam, but I'm not sure if that would indicate that you were infected when the real message would be that he's such a slut that you would need protection FROM HIM and his oral cooties. But you kiss him, so that won't work. I've never seen a dental dam, but when I get out, I want to pick up some chick for a one nighter and pull it out to use on her, just to see her reactoin and have the experience.
I was thinking about your experience with Richard Rubenstein. and here's my insight: you say he's sleazy and unethical. If so, then he expects other people to be douchebags too. Perhaps when he said that you would have to ditch your clients and weasel out of your contracts, and you said OK, he chose not t hire you thinking you were prone to not keeping your word (contracts). And if so, he would invest time and money into positioning you, only for you to ditch him when a better deal came along. And I would NOT poke the evil beast. Pick your battles. How is that awful case with your ex going? Any progress?
I did hear about the ring of Soviet spies in the US that were here for years, using old school technology to collect information that was pretty much public knowledge for people who wanted it. It appeared that they were relics from a Soviet era. You wrote, "I'm just a sociopath magnet." Carl Jung talks about how the parts of us within our minds/souls/character that we don't acknowledge and make space for will then manifest in reality in the people we seek out, consciously or subconsciously, if you cannot accept the duality inside, it wil rip in two--inside and outside, because it must exist. I know that you readily acknowledge your mental instabilities, so mabye it is that you see the "sociopath" in others na dhave more compassion for them so you let them stick around longer. Or tha tyou see it, but at first refuse to acknowledge it and run the other way because you secretly seek self-destruction.
There's my psychobabble for today. That'll be $50, thank you.
I agree that most of the damage done in terms of emotional, verbal, mental abuse and the cheats and swindlers--they are the free, the "successful", the wealthy who are protected by money and fear and upper class culture. But there's just as many that deserve a few yeas to sit and ponder.
I love that your life is so public in different outlets. It's fun, huh?
Your experience with the celebs at the US Open shows how human (and inhumane) they can be. From my few experiences with men who own successful businesses, they are as wacky as the rest of us. Needy, clingy, medicated, cheaters, egotistical, drug addicts, control freaks---not all at once, just in general, have issues like anyone else. They are somehow more entitled to their issues. THINK: Mel Gibson.
My friend smoked pot with Rob Thomas once. She didn't know who he was until after the experience. That's what makes it great.
I didn't recognize most of the names of the glitterati from the Open. I recognized 9 of 23. To some, I'm sure being anonymous would be a gift. To others, an insult. Depends on their ego state. When I got ot visits, people say, "Is that Sarah Pender?" or when they come to lock, "I've heard about you." Mostly I want people to know the media distorts everything. That what I did, however I want to justify it, was illegal and NOT a good idea, and that people should fight for what they believe in, but not at the expense of their relationships. I'd never escape again because 1) I believe I'm getting out in a few years and 2) I'd never voluntarily leave my family and friends again to gain a little liberty. It's not worth it.
Okay, my butt is numb. Time for bed. As always, I enjoy your letters. You are as fun and interesting as your stationary!
PEACE,
Sarah
I just wrote you a page and a half and it was outlining my ideas for a YouTube video and I was like, hey, I want to keep this and send it to someone who might make this for me. Sweet. I have lots of ideas and no one yet to implement them. They will come along. I have faith in the perfect timing of the Universe...
I have spent all week entrenched in research and writing civil law arguments to build a case against them continuing to segregrate me. It has simply become ridiculous. Plus, I surprisingly have a good case. I hope I don't actually have to file it though. I want them to get over it--it's been over two years nad people have done way worse and served way less time.
Lots of focus on my creative writing. It's amazing what a little guidance will do. Oh, and today I found an old book from the 1970s, an anthology of great essayists. Virginia Woolf, EB White, George Orwell, James Baldwin, etc. Some of which I have read, but only as maybe part of an American literature class years ago. What I like about reading great writers is that their sentences are so well crafted that they inspire fountains of ideas in me. Daily, I write at least one hour, sometimes two or three, just on developing my skills. I don't think too hard about it, just write what comes naturally. I want it to be my own mind, not an imitation of someone else's. I got the coolest envelope from you today. You have such fun stationary. I tried making the stupid boat, but there's a leap of logic in the directions and after two tries, I thought, FUCK IT. Stupid Chinese directions.
"He thinks it is the Amir Show but it's not." Yes, I get it. I guess there are some poeple so afraid of missing out on something more or better that they throw away the most valuable items. Or people. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be part of his harem, I only wish it weren't so painful for you to still be his friend. Recently, an ex-girlfriend wrote me. We had a unique relationship where she adored me and always treated me the best, with the most respect, time, attn., etc. but could not stop playing around. Instead of being a girlfriend who got cheated on we were best friends who sometimes had sex. Then it was on my terms and it was more like I was using her for sex, not her being a horny player. Maybe it makes no real difference, but it sure made me feel better. Now she's like, "oh baby. I can't believe how blind I was. It was always you. I love you forever, to pieces, etc." Bittersweet.
Isn't it so much easier to find anagrams for the past or what it known, rather than the future? It reminds me of the Bible Code.
I like the artist stamps you use. One of the artists is Jackson Pollack. What is significant about his character? Was he a nutcase or something?
Tomorrow is Saturday!
You should write a blog: An Ode to Saturday.
I was thinking of getting a copy of James Joyce's Ulysses, as I have come across its name 3 times in one week--touted as one of the best novels of the 20th century. In the meantime, I'm suing the essays as a learning tool, and as a practice exercise. I'm going to flip through my latest issues of National Geographic and describe the photos, or write a story about one. I have to keep creative with limited resources. I am grateful for an almost unlimited amount of time. That's the one advantage of solitary confinement. Time to learn and grow. I sent a legal packet to Kye to show her atty friend--basic legal grounds to petition to overturn my convictions and the first thing she said after readin the cover page, "Wow. This girl could be a lawyer." Sweet.
Your gourmet dinner sounds good, but I don't know what some of it is. What is Yerba Mate? I wonder if any of the local colleges offer the same thing from their culinary courses. I know the high school down the road does. Every afternoon it's open for dining--so people pay a reduced price to eat the food the culinary students practice on.
To me, it seems that you read, write, watch TV and go so many places, that you have unlimited time too. No wonder you don't want a 9-5 job.
I liked your blog about Mini's barking and the person who said you were a jerk obviously either never had a dog in an apt. bldg. or didn't really read what you wrote. Posh on him. Only men call women jerks.
I think.
I like your pet-friendly landlord.
People use the shield of anonymity to express the inner bully they can't in real life because they'd get their asses handed to them.
My opinion---DRIFT is what you experience when you are unempowered, unable to deal powerfully with people or situations that don't work, and instead let bullshit run your life, not the Universe. The Universe sends you clues and signs to direct yourself, it's up to you to steer. Otherwise, your rudder is flopping in a river of other people's chaos. You have no direction because you TAKE no direction. You idle in indecisiveness. Pick a direction. Picking a direction is a CHOICE, not a DECISION. It's not set in stone and signed in blood. Even wrong directions: 1) terach you what you DON'T want. 2) get you moving, and 3) are better than being caughtin an eternal eddy.
HOw do you sign up to get Advanced Readers Copies of books? And how do you win so many tickets to events? Are you always signing up for stuff online? Through what? Do you Google your interests and they happen to have contests or drawings?
How was your mammogram experience? That is definitely a blogworthy experience. Any medical experience usually is. I had a colposcopy & biopsy last week and I laughed so hard up til he ripped out a hunk of tissue. Laying naked from the waist down, with a paper sheet obscuring all but the fuzzy remains of a young mane bobbing up an ddown as a disembodied voice spoke, directing me to open wider, I tenses. Then I was magically transformed from a frightened gyno patient into a Mustang GTO. As he pedaled the hydraulics, I rose up for my oil change and a little diagnostics. He greased me up, expertly weilded shiny metal tools, and plugged my leak with a bit of silver nitrate, and sent me on my way with a follow-up appt. How about that dye scan?
I like Amir. He's funny.
"Your Taliban rules." ha ha. I was going to say that he's luck you don't make him use a dental dam, but I'm not sure if that would indicate that you were infected when the real message would be that he's such a slut that you would need protection FROM HIM and his oral cooties. But you kiss him, so that won't work. I've never seen a dental dam, but when I get out, I want to pick up some chick for a one nighter and pull it out to use on her, just to see her reactoin and have the experience.
I was thinking about your experience with Richard Rubenstein. and here's my insight: you say he's sleazy and unethical. If so, then he expects other people to be douchebags too. Perhaps when he said that you would have to ditch your clients and weasel out of your contracts, and you said OK, he chose not t hire you thinking you were prone to not keeping your word (contracts). And if so, he would invest time and money into positioning you, only for you to ditch him when a better deal came along. And I would NOT poke the evil beast. Pick your battles. How is that awful case with your ex going? Any progress?
I did hear about the ring of Soviet spies in the US that were here for years, using old school technology to collect information that was pretty much public knowledge for people who wanted it. It appeared that they were relics from a Soviet era. You wrote, "I'm just a sociopath magnet." Carl Jung talks about how the parts of us within our minds/souls/character that we don't acknowledge and make space for will then manifest in reality in the people we seek out, consciously or subconsciously, if you cannot accept the duality inside, it wil rip in two--inside and outside, because it must exist. I know that you readily acknowledge your mental instabilities, so mabye it is that you see the "sociopath" in others na dhave more compassion for them so you let them stick around longer. Or tha tyou see it, but at first refuse to acknowledge it and run the other way because you secretly seek self-destruction.
There's my psychobabble for today. That'll be $50, thank you.
I agree that most of the damage done in terms of emotional, verbal, mental abuse and the cheats and swindlers--they are the free, the "successful", the wealthy who are protected by money and fear and upper class culture. But there's just as many that deserve a few yeas to sit and ponder.
I love that your life is so public in different outlets. It's fun, huh?
Your experience with the celebs at the US Open shows how human (and inhumane) they can be. From my few experiences with men who own successful businesses, they are as wacky as the rest of us. Needy, clingy, medicated, cheaters, egotistical, drug addicts, control freaks---not all at once, just in general, have issues like anyone else. They are somehow more entitled to their issues. THINK: Mel Gibson.
My friend smoked pot with Rob Thomas once. She didn't know who he was until after the experience. That's what makes it great.
I didn't recognize most of the names of the glitterati from the Open. I recognized 9 of 23. To some, I'm sure being anonymous would be a gift. To others, an insult. Depends on their ego state. When I got ot visits, people say, "Is that Sarah Pender?" or when they come to lock, "I've heard about you." Mostly I want people to know the media distorts everything. That what I did, however I want to justify it, was illegal and NOT a good idea, and that people should fight for what they believe in, but not at the expense of their relationships. I'd never escape again because 1) I believe I'm getting out in a few years and 2) I'd never voluntarily leave my family and friends again to gain a little liberty. It's not worth it.
Okay, my butt is numb. Time for bed. As always, I enjoy your letters. You are as fun and interesting as your stationary!
PEACE,
Sarah
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #98
Dear Kelly---
[Ed.: I am omitting a page and a half of TV show commentary.]
> OK: Here is a movie that you simply must put on your NETFLIX list, for multiple reasons that are no doubt obvious, and discuss:
THE YOUNG POISONER'S HANDBOOK
"Gleefully gruesome British black comedy about a psychopathic teen who decides to become the greatest poisoner the world has ever seen, using his clueless family as guinea pigs. Deliciously mean-spirited film based on a true story! It is not for the squeamish. WOW!
Does this not totally pique your interest? One hardly knows where to begin. Besides your discussion & analysis of the film, you must find out what true story it is based on.
Then you can post the description, your review/analysis/AND the "true story"- all online so more people can see what sounds like a most interesting film! Or maybe a complete disaster...we won't know until you see it!
> I know you're not an obsessed fashionista, but I could not help but think of you wihile watching The September Issue. With all the crazy NY characters & settings, and OMG! some of the Dachau-esque models...I could imagine your running commentary.
Please send me the New Yorker story about the sociopathic doctor from New Zealand that murdered using meds.
Were you clearly not so certain about proceeding, I would tell you to make it go away. Life is too short. However, since that is not the case... Know that it is a marathon, which can be extended virtually at will by either side almost indefinitely. You cannot let it control your life and psyche. And I can only imagine the crowded dockets of New York City/State courts. I'm assuming this is a state litigation & not federal? So I am sure delays, postponements, etc. are par for the course.
So you are [apparently] the Plantiff from what I can garner from your short vague comments. Are you allowed to say simply what the course of action is without mentioning names or details, of course?
Is it possible that he [Ed.: John] is representing himself simply to make the entire process as awful and as miserable as possible for you? To somehow keep you in his life, however bizarre and twisted that may seem to your relatively normal brain. With that in mind, this deposition you say is scheduled for November, (but will no doubt be postponed until after the holidays) sound highly stressful. A Sociopath questioning you, virtually unfettered, face-to-face, under oath??
That story about your months of interviewing with that PR firm was hard to read. Some of the people you have to deal with are so utterly sleazy and disgusting---and believe me, you describe them perfectly in your letters. This guy not only sounds like a loser with power, but one with mean & vicious streak...Good for Amir for standing up for you. And people wonder why workplace violence is so prevalent...
[Ed.: I'm omitting the end because it was about tv shows. Also, I am not doing his compulsive underlining, but suffice it to say, he continues doing it.]
[Ed.: I am omitting a page and a half of TV show commentary.]
> OK: Here is a movie that you simply must put on your NETFLIX list, for multiple reasons that are no doubt obvious, and discuss:
THE YOUNG POISONER'S HANDBOOK
"Gleefully gruesome British black comedy about a psychopathic teen who decides to become the greatest poisoner the world has ever seen, using his clueless family as guinea pigs. Deliciously mean-spirited film based on a true story! It is not for the squeamish. WOW!
Does this not totally pique your interest? One hardly knows where to begin. Besides your discussion & analysis of the film, you must find out what true story it is based on.
Then you can post the description, your review/analysis/AND the "true story"- all online so more people can see what sounds like a most interesting film! Or maybe a complete disaster...we won't know until you see it!
> I know you're not an obsessed fashionista, but I could not help but think of you wihile watching The September Issue. With all the crazy NY characters & settings, and OMG! some of the Dachau-esque models...I could imagine your running commentary.
Please send me the New Yorker story about the sociopathic doctor from New Zealand that murdered using meds.
Were you clearly not so certain about proceeding, I would tell you to make it go away. Life is too short. However, since that is not the case... Know that it is a marathon, which can be extended virtually at will by either side almost indefinitely. You cannot let it control your life and psyche. And I can only imagine the crowded dockets of New York City/State courts. I'm assuming this is a state litigation & not federal? So I am sure delays, postponements, etc. are par for the course.
So you are [apparently] the Plantiff from what I can garner from your short vague comments. Are you allowed to say simply what the course of action is without mentioning names or details, of course?
Is it possible that he [Ed.: John] is representing himself simply to make the entire process as awful and as miserable as possible for you? To somehow keep you in his life, however bizarre and twisted that may seem to your relatively normal brain. With that in mind, this deposition you say is scheduled for November, (but will no doubt be postponed until after the holidays) sound highly stressful. A Sociopath questioning you, virtually unfettered, face-to-face, under oath??
That story about your months of interviewing with that PR firm was hard to read. Some of the people you have to deal with are so utterly sleazy and disgusting---and believe me, you describe them perfectly in your letters. This guy not only sounds like a loser with power, but one with mean & vicious streak...Good for Amir for standing up for you. And people wonder why workplace violence is so prevalent...
[Ed.: I'm omitting the end because it was about tv shows. Also, I am not doing his compulsive underlining, but suffice it to say, he continues doing it.]
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #45
Dear Kelly,
Saw this article in the Biblical Archaelology Review and thought of you for two reasons. One, of course, you are a frequent flyer to the Met, and this mosaic carpet from Rome will be displayed there soon. We get excited about a vintage 1960s coat or table--only 50 years old. Or are in awe at medieval art and architecture and here is a beautifully preserved mosaic almost 2000 years old. It amazes me. I can see why archaelogists love their jobs. To be able to piece together history with some accuracy from the earth is neat. I love reading NatGeo. I imagine inm 500 or 1000 years, when archaelogists dig us up, what they will think. I always find it so interesting when they have to lump someting into a century. (5th century AD or 1200-1000 BC), because people, things, culture, inventions, etc. didn't change so rapidly. The future diggers lumping two cars inot the 20th century -- one could be a Model T and the other a hybrid SUV. Seems odd that the future could be so drastically different that such a lumping would seem appropriate.
The other thing, actually, the main thing that had me think of you was the last part of the article on manna. I heart they were reproducing it, but it seems that New York dining has captured it. I know you like to try different foods and will travel great lengths for them, so if you do find a place with manna on the menu, and you try it, let me know. It's probably at some retardedly expensive restaurant.
I hope to hear from you tonight with Amir news and what you think of those anagrams I sent.
Commissary was just delivered so I have stamps and paper to fill up my weekend of writing. I also sent a manilla envelopeto an attorney willing to look at my case. Things are coming together. I'm also doing research for the petition and yesterday created an inspirational folder to store my work in. Some are serious and encouraging. Some are retarded and funny. If I were at home, I'd just scan them to you. My humor is way better in person.
Have you seen these clothes recycling boxes?
MON:
I got the letter I was hoping was on the way from you. :-)
You are so prompt.
Of course you are right. But aye, there's the rub. Wanna know why? Because everyone wants to be right and look good. If you are right then that means someone else is wrong.
Amir says he misses you and your wit. You say you miss sleeping next to him because it's better than sleeping with the dog.
That's funny. Witty!
Then you make him wrong for missing you but not choosing you. And he runs away. Slow or not, nobody wants to be wrong, especially not rich, good looking men. It's an ego thing.
You are funnier than a well-timed fart.
Can you tell I"ve been working on my creative writing? I was going to write, "You are really funny, " but then I thought how funny is really funny? That doesn't illicit any feelings of funnyness. Falls and farts, when done accidentally or with great finesse, are endlessly funny. I never tire of them.
Just FYI, I am on the can while writing this. It reminds me that I have essentially been locked inside a bathroom for almost two years. Try that and see if it doesn't fuck you up. And there are three men in Angola who've been in the hole for 37 years for killing a prison guard. Glad I only copulated with one.
I'm stuck here, expelling foul gas and branflake turds. Maybe that's a little much for you, but I find the digestive system quite fascinating. I ate two bowls of bran flakes and sunflower seeds for three days and now it finally made its way through. I feel like that is a little slow. I think I have handicapped intestines.
I had to lok up Sisyphean, which took longer because I didn't know what I was looking for and you were in such a rush that you shirked spellcheck. (Not a problem. Make me work for it!) Great word! Endlessly laborious and futile. That's Criminial Justice Reform.
People stereotype waitresses, hostesses and strippers for being of less than average intelligence. Not the bartender, though. Everyone knows that the bartender is the smartest motherfucker in the house.
Have you thought about consulting a psychic about what to do for employment? Or asking your dreams to give you guidance? I mean, I'm sure it won't require the sacrifice of a chicken or any other warm-blooded animal. Maybe a few cockroaches though.
Just a suggestion: If you call Amir and ask to get together for his advice, I think it could be very good.
1) Amir wants to se you.
2) You want to see Amir.
3) You say it is embarassing and he may lose respect for you. That is a story you made up in your head out of fear and ego. By asking his advice, he gets to be RIGHT and you get answers. You wouldn't be embarassed to go to your gyno about your period being heavy. You have an employment problem. He may have answers.
4) If you can get through without even mentioning his lack of commitment, he will begin to covet you, your every molecule. Bring up "girlfriend" and you blow it up. Back to square one.
5) If you two screw and you don't bring up commitment, he will being to worship you.
If at anytime you feel I am worng, that it is not working, your strategy of nagging him is one sentence away.
I feel like that whole last section was bitchy sounding. Was it?
You have a legitimate problem and a valid fear. Let him help you.
Thank you for the clipart of the Greek mythological people.
I think it's cool you got to be around famous people, just because it is nice to see they are just people. But if I were you, I wouldn't have a clue. I'd serve a martini to Steven Spielberg or a European prince and not have a clue. I hope you din'dt have to stand in heels all day. Dr. Scholls makes fantastic insoles for high heels.
I got a money order from my mom and asked my friend to send me $6 a month to cover the cost of postage, paper and envelopes. We write like three letters per week. So I'[m good for a few weeks. No, in lock the prison doesn't give us money. In population if you want a job, you earn anywhere from 12 cents to 25 cents per hour, depending on your hob. If you don't have fmaily you live off the $15 a month you earn from your prison job. The State provides pads, toilet paper, 2 stamped envelopes, bar soap and shampoo to people who live off the State's pay. Anything else--paper, pens, stamps, deodorant, toothpaste, vitamens, razors, coffee, etc. you buy on your own. When I was at Rockville and had a lot of money, I would buy hygienes and snacks for people who lived off that bullshit $3 a week. You can't even buy a box of tampons with that. There were solme months that I had $1000 on my books. And some months that I had only $10. Money comes. Money goes. Right now, I"m swimming at the bottom of the barrel, but I know I"ll always have what I need. That's why I try to live simply.
Yay! Red table! The Universe loves you!
I love the anagram thing. Glad you liked what I picked out. I ran over the letters in another person's (whom I don't really know) name and it came out pretty spot-on. Neat stuff!
I didn't occur to me that you don't know about my legal affairs. I just spent months working on a legal packet for an attorney, and just today, hours on devleoping legal arguments. What it boils down to is that I was over-convicted because of an unethical prosecutor, a lying snitch, and a conspiracy by my co-defendant and another man to frame me as the principle. Since my conviction, I've been collecting the exculpatory evidence to show that I was railroaded and , essentially, framed, including blatent testimony by my ex-boyfriend saying tha the killed them and set me up for it. Recently, I've found a way to prove he is telling the truth--through forensic analysis. Stay tuned for the next episode.
Sarah
Saw this article in the Biblical Archaelology Review and thought of you for two reasons. One, of course, you are a frequent flyer to the Met, and this mosaic carpet from Rome will be displayed there soon. We get excited about a vintage 1960s coat or table--only 50 years old. Or are in awe at medieval art and architecture and here is a beautifully preserved mosaic almost 2000 years old. It amazes me. I can see why archaelogists love their jobs. To be able to piece together history with some accuracy from the earth is neat. I love reading NatGeo. I imagine inm 500 or 1000 years, when archaelogists dig us up, what they will think. I always find it so interesting when they have to lump someting into a century. (5th century AD or 1200-1000 BC), because people, things, culture, inventions, etc. didn't change so rapidly. The future diggers lumping two cars inot the 20th century -- one could be a Model T and the other a hybrid SUV. Seems odd that the future could be so drastically different that such a lumping would seem appropriate.
The other thing, actually, the main thing that had me think of you was the last part of the article on manna. I heart they were reproducing it, but it seems that New York dining has captured it. I know you like to try different foods and will travel great lengths for them, so if you do find a place with manna on the menu, and you try it, let me know. It's probably at some retardedly expensive restaurant.
I hope to hear from you tonight with Amir news and what you think of those anagrams I sent.
Commissary was just delivered so I have stamps and paper to fill up my weekend of writing. I also sent a manilla envelopeto an attorney willing to look at my case. Things are coming together. I'm also doing research for the petition and yesterday created an inspirational folder to store my work in. Some are serious and encouraging. Some are retarded and funny. If I were at home, I'd just scan them to you. My humor is way better in person.
Have you seen these clothes recycling boxes?
MON:
I got the letter I was hoping was on the way from you. :-)
You are so prompt.
Of course you are right. But aye, there's the rub. Wanna know why? Because everyone wants to be right and look good. If you are right then that means someone else is wrong.
Amir says he misses you and your wit. You say you miss sleeping next to him because it's better than sleeping with the dog.
That's funny. Witty!
Then you make him wrong for missing you but not choosing you. And he runs away. Slow or not, nobody wants to be wrong, especially not rich, good looking men. It's an ego thing.
You are funnier than a well-timed fart.
Can you tell I"ve been working on my creative writing? I was going to write, "You are really funny, " but then I thought how funny is really funny? That doesn't illicit any feelings of funnyness. Falls and farts, when done accidentally or with great finesse, are endlessly funny. I never tire of them.
Just FYI, I am on the can while writing this. It reminds me that I have essentially been locked inside a bathroom for almost two years. Try that and see if it doesn't fuck you up. And there are three men in Angola who've been in the hole for 37 years for killing a prison guard. Glad I only copulated with one.
I'm stuck here, expelling foul gas and branflake turds. Maybe that's a little much for you, but I find the digestive system quite fascinating. I ate two bowls of bran flakes and sunflower seeds for three days and now it finally made its way through. I feel like that is a little slow. I think I have handicapped intestines.
I had to lok up Sisyphean, which took longer because I didn't know what I was looking for and you were in such a rush that you shirked spellcheck. (Not a problem. Make me work for it!) Great word! Endlessly laborious and futile. That's Criminial Justice Reform.
People stereotype waitresses, hostesses and strippers for being of less than average intelligence. Not the bartender, though. Everyone knows that the bartender is the smartest motherfucker in the house.
Have you thought about consulting a psychic about what to do for employment? Or asking your dreams to give you guidance? I mean, I'm sure it won't require the sacrifice of a chicken or any other warm-blooded animal. Maybe a few cockroaches though.
Just a suggestion: If you call Amir and ask to get together for his advice, I think it could be very good.
1) Amir wants to se you.
2) You want to see Amir.
3) You say it is embarassing and he may lose respect for you. That is a story you made up in your head out of fear and ego. By asking his advice, he gets to be RIGHT and you get answers. You wouldn't be embarassed to go to your gyno about your period being heavy. You have an employment problem. He may have answers.
4) If you can get through without even mentioning his lack of commitment, he will begin to covet you, your every molecule. Bring up "girlfriend" and you blow it up. Back to square one.
5) If you two screw and you don't bring up commitment, he will being to worship you.
If at anytime you feel I am worng, that it is not working, your strategy of nagging him is one sentence away.
I feel like that whole last section was bitchy sounding. Was it?
You have a legitimate problem and a valid fear. Let him help you.
Thank you for the clipart of the Greek mythological people.
I think it's cool you got to be around famous people, just because it is nice to see they are just people. But if I were you, I wouldn't have a clue. I'd serve a martini to Steven Spielberg or a European prince and not have a clue. I hope you din'dt have to stand in heels all day. Dr. Scholls makes fantastic insoles for high heels.
I got a money order from my mom and asked my friend to send me $6 a month to cover the cost of postage, paper and envelopes. We write like three letters per week. So I'[m good for a few weeks. No, in lock the prison doesn't give us money. In population if you want a job, you earn anywhere from 12 cents to 25 cents per hour, depending on your hob. If you don't have fmaily you live off the $15 a month you earn from your prison job. The State provides pads, toilet paper, 2 stamped envelopes, bar soap and shampoo to people who live off the State's pay. Anything else--paper, pens, stamps, deodorant, toothpaste, vitamens, razors, coffee, etc. you buy on your own. When I was at Rockville and had a lot of money, I would buy hygienes and snacks for people who lived off that bullshit $3 a week. You can't even buy a box of tampons with that. There were solme months that I had $1000 on my books. And some months that I had only $10. Money comes. Money goes. Right now, I"m swimming at the bottom of the barrel, but I know I"ll always have what I need. That's why I try to live simply.
Yay! Red table! The Universe loves you!
I love the anagram thing. Glad you liked what I picked out. I ran over the letters in another person's (whom I don't really know) name and it came out pretty spot-on. Neat stuff!
I didn't occur to me that you don't know about my legal affairs. I just spent months working on a legal packet for an attorney, and just today, hours on devleoping legal arguments. What it boils down to is that I was over-convicted because of an unethical prosecutor, a lying snitch, and a conspiracy by my co-defendant and another man to frame me as the principle. Since my conviction, I've been collecting the exculpatory evidence to show that I was railroaded and , essentially, framed, including blatent testimony by my ex-boyfriend saying tha the killed them and set me up for it. Recently, I've found a way to prove he is telling the truth--through forensic analysis. Stay tuned for the next episode.
Sarah
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #93-95
Ed: So I have about 20 pages of letters from Swango. I will only be typing things I find noteworthy. I generally omit any pop culture commentary unless it is interesting.
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! No letters from you for longer than usual. Even if you're enjoying a vacation in the Hamptons or the Caribbean or the south of France (well, maybe not the latter) you must send me a letter from one of your exotic locales. In any event, still much to discuss with you from your earlier letters...and of course, always new things and new films to talk to you about and solicit your always interesting opinions.
Meant to write more earlier in the week. Unfortunately, now Thursday--so let me get righ tto it, as I will probably have to stop sooner than I'd like:
[Ed.: Omitting discussion of articles he'd like me to send him.]
KK--you are probably familiar with Mr. Hitchens. He writes so much you are bound to have read something by him. Very controversial, but brilliant writing. Whether I agree with his opinions or not (i.e. He was a big supporter of the Iraq War fiasco)--I always read him when I get the chance.
Anyway, he's been diagnosed with an aggressive dangerous tumor, and is undergoing chemo/radiation. I saw a recent long interview with him on Charlie Rose. You may know that he is absolutely a confirmed atheist.
[Ed.: I'm omitting three pages of film listings he would like me to see and tell him about if possible.]
***
Dear Kelly,
Two of your always interesting and intriguing letters have arrived at the same time with at least one big surprise to me--so let me write what I can now/and write more tomorrow.
>YOU are such a fascinating woman with an AWESOME apartment. My God, when you said black, white and red, you weren't kidding! Or as the writer of the article said: your "insanely color-coordinated pad." WOW!
Maybe it's my own OCD tendencies & somewhat "organized" personality, but I was mesmerized by the photos...the checks, the stripes, the sharp angles... of course an an eight ball on your red table on top of the zebra-stripe rug!
Trust me, KK---I am not an interior-decorating oriented person---probably just the opposite, if I am honest about any place I've lived without a female presence...but I could not take my eyes off my photos.
And tell Matthew Williams that the photo of you sitting demurely on your color-coordinated bedroom...is very, very sexy. Say what you want about imagination, but that photo screams sexuality. And by the way, Ms. Kreth, that is a good thing---a very good thing.
When you can as time permits, do send the additional photos and your acerbic witty commentary.
Again---thanks for that. Very cool!
***
[About a movie made about him.]
Now to my "stopped" in mid-sentence surprise. This was in your letter written on stationary & two postcards:
KK--I did not know there had been a movie made. Are you serious? Are you sure it wasn't just a brief snippet " re-enactment" from one of the multiple "True Crime" shows?
So these comments to start:
- I did not know/and to honestly answer your question: I am quite surprised. Several years ago I received a letter from a person in the film business, who told me he had been at a meeting in 01 or 02 regarding possible treatment for several crime-related films---either theater or TV. Apparently, my sad tale was discussed, and was ultimately not taken further for there key reasons:
- Not visually dramatic
- No witnesses
- Too many unknowns
So--can I ask you to tell me where the full film can be accessed? When was it made and what is the title? I must admit being genuinely curious. But, Kelly: With that said, you do know that and purported scene between myself & Kristin must be total speculation---since no one , but me, sadly, could say what happened.
"Scary & chilling." Really? You can't say that without telling me exactly what was shown. Anyway, sorry it had that effect on you.
If you are willing--our discussions of this film could help to give you some of those insights you wish to have.
So tell me more please. I still can't believe it.
[Ed. Omitting movie commentary.]
P.S. OMG Kelly--your summer malaise really showed in a coupld of your letters. My poor baby---would love to cheer you up with a long conversation---I know I could because I do get some of you at least :-). Next time I'll tell you how to tap into your inner "teen-age girl". My theory is that we all have one and survival and happiness are tied directly to it!
See---didn't even mention sex---you judge me far too easily!
XOXO
---Michael
***
[Ed.: I'm omitting the compulsive underlining in this last one.]
Dear Kelly---
While watching the most recent "Louie" I could not help but think of you and your many insightful & funny comments on the dating scene in Gotham---especially for 30-something females!
Has it finally come to this? That random men now come to your workplace and literally follow you home? Watching Louie fumble his incredibly clumsy comments on black women was hilarious!
[Ed.: Omitting discussion on M. Night Shyamalan and Twilight.]
I have been at the scene of many motorcycle accidents, many of them fatal, many of them gruesome. Driver and passenger almost always injured to some degree. And yes, I know that road rash is one of the most painful injuries you can have.
So you are right. Could have been so much worse.
South of Springfield IL in Chatham---hi speed cycle crash after midnight. Driver dead with gray matter everywhhere--no helmet.
West Quincy, MO--Weekday moring rush hour about 7:30am. Motor cycle vs. car: Cyclist helmet conscious but in shock. Lower leg 30 feet away. We were first on the scene. Treated him/ got ice from 7/11 for the leg and hauled ass. Finally--with what I know about you, your time spent lying helpless and not in control in a municipal trauma center--probably in the hallway somewhere--must have been excrutiating & terrifying for you on so many levels... That is one day you will never forget.
By the way, I still have six-word memoirs and Die! blog on my list. I will submit.
I must make one more serious comment. In one of your letters from early August, I could truly feel your rather savagely acute depression. I could make a flippant comment like "you could use some more inner teen-age girl, etc." but I take depressive illness really seriously...I know you find this hard to believe given my history, but I feel genuine empathy & wish I could make it go away.
I"m a huge believer in the SSRI class of anti-depressants.
I will continue to talk to you as much as possible, on as many subjects as possible, hopefully amusing you and infuriating you in equal measure! Anything to keep that marvelous brain of yours engaged!
So you take care, Sunshine. Still have more to write re your letters---and will keep writing until we catch up...but by then more letters from you. Wouldn't have it any other way. Thinking of you, KK. Stay cool and stay safe.
XOXO
Yours,
Michael
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi sunshine! No letters from you for longer than usual. Even if you're enjoying a vacation in the Hamptons or the Caribbean or the south of France (well, maybe not the latter) you must send me a letter from one of your exotic locales. In any event, still much to discuss with you from your earlier letters...and of course, always new things and new films to talk to you about and solicit your always interesting opinions.
Meant to write more earlier in the week. Unfortunately, now Thursday--so let me get righ tto it, as I will probably have to stop sooner than I'd like:
[Ed.: Omitting discussion of articles he'd like me to send him.]
KK--you are probably familiar with Mr. Hitchens. He writes so much you are bound to have read something by him. Very controversial, but brilliant writing. Whether I agree with his opinions or not (i.e. He was a big supporter of the Iraq War fiasco)--I always read him when I get the chance.
Anyway, he's been diagnosed with an aggressive dangerous tumor, and is undergoing chemo/radiation. I saw a recent long interview with him on Charlie Rose. You may know that he is absolutely a confirmed atheist.
[Ed.: I'm omitting three pages of film listings he would like me to see and tell him about if possible.]
***
Dear Kelly,
Two of your always interesting and intriguing letters have arrived at the same time with at least one big surprise to me--so let me write what I can now/and write more tomorrow.
>YOU are such a fascinating woman with an AWESOME apartment. My God, when you said black, white and red, you weren't kidding! Or as the writer of the article said: your "insanely color-coordinated pad." WOW!
Maybe it's my own OCD tendencies & somewhat "organized" personality, but I was mesmerized by the photos...the checks, the stripes, the sharp angles... of course an an eight ball on your red table on top of the zebra-stripe rug!
Trust me, KK---I am not an interior-decorating oriented person---probably just the opposite, if I am honest about any place I've lived without a female presence...but I could not take my eyes off my photos.
And tell Matthew Williams that the photo of you sitting demurely on your color-coordinated bedroom...is very, very sexy. Say what you want about imagination, but that photo screams sexuality. And by the way, Ms. Kreth, that is a good thing---a very good thing.
When you can as time permits, do send the additional photos and your acerbic witty commentary.
Again---thanks for that. Very cool!
***
[About a movie made about him.]
Now to my "stopped" in mid-sentence surprise. This was in your letter written on stationary & two postcards:
KK--I did not know there had been a movie made. Are you serious? Are you sure it wasn't just a brief snippet " re-enactment" from one of the multiple "True Crime" shows?
So these comments to start:
- I did not know/and to honestly answer your question: I am quite surprised. Several years ago I received a letter from a person in the film business, who told me he had been at a meeting in 01 or 02 regarding possible treatment for several crime-related films---either theater or TV. Apparently, my sad tale was discussed, and was ultimately not taken further for there key reasons:
- Not visually dramatic
- No witnesses
- Too many unknowns
So--can I ask you to tell me where the full film can be accessed? When was it made and what is the title? I must admit being genuinely curious. But, Kelly: With that said, you do know that and purported scene between myself & Kristin must be total speculation---since no one , but me, sadly, could say what happened.
"Scary & chilling." Really? You can't say that without telling me exactly what was shown. Anyway, sorry it had that effect on you.
If you are willing--our discussions of this film could help to give you some of those insights you wish to have.
So tell me more please. I still can't believe it.
[Ed. Omitting movie commentary.]
P.S. OMG Kelly--your summer malaise really showed in a coupld of your letters. My poor baby---would love to cheer you up with a long conversation---I know I could because I do get some of you at least :-). Next time I'll tell you how to tap into your inner "teen-age girl". My theory is that we all have one and survival and happiness are tied directly to it!
See---didn't even mention sex---you judge me far too easily!
XOXO
---Michael
***
[Ed.: I'm omitting the compulsive underlining in this last one.]
Dear Kelly---
While watching the most recent "Louie" I could not help but think of you and your many insightful & funny comments on the dating scene in Gotham---especially for 30-something females!
Has it finally come to this? That random men now come to your workplace and literally follow you home? Watching Louie fumble his incredibly clumsy comments on black women was hilarious!
[Ed.: Omitting discussion on M. Night Shyamalan and Twilight.]
I have been at the scene of many motorcycle accidents, many of them fatal, many of them gruesome. Driver and passenger almost always injured to some degree. And yes, I know that road rash is one of the most painful injuries you can have.
So you are right. Could have been so much worse.
South of Springfield IL in Chatham---hi speed cycle crash after midnight. Driver dead with gray matter everywhhere--no helmet.
West Quincy, MO--Weekday moring rush hour about 7:30am. Motor cycle vs. car: Cyclist helmet conscious but in shock. Lower leg 30 feet away. We were first on the scene. Treated him/ got ice from 7/11 for the leg and hauled ass. Finally--with what I know about you, your time spent lying helpless and not in control in a municipal trauma center--probably in the hallway somewhere--must have been excrutiating & terrifying for you on so many levels... That is one day you will never forget.
By the way, I still have six-word memoirs and Die! blog on my list. I will submit.
I must make one more serious comment. In one of your letters from early August, I could truly feel your rather savagely acute depression. I could make a flippant comment like "you could use some more inner teen-age girl, etc." but I take depressive illness really seriously...I know you find this hard to believe given my history, but I feel genuine empathy & wish I could make it go away.
I"m a huge believer in the SSRI class of anti-depressants.
I will continue to talk to you as much as possible, on as many subjects as possible, hopefully amusing you and infuriating you in equal measure! Anything to keep that marvelous brain of yours engaged!
So you take care, Sunshine. Still have more to write re your letters---and will keep writing until we catch up...but by then more letters from you. Wouldn't have it any other way. Thinking of you, KK. Stay cool and stay safe.
XOXO
Yours,
Michael
***
Friday, September 17, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #43 & 44
Dear Kelly,
It's just past 6pm and I feel more energetic than I have for a few weeks. This is after a wek of fighting a lingering migraine. Tuesday I was vomiting, crying and aksin gGod to just go ahead and kill me swiftly. Obviously the Universe wants to continue to torture me while I discover my life's purpose and fulfill it with flair. This week I have tried meditating, connecting with my quantum, non-local spirit self and identify with ancient archtetypes to guide my inner intent/self.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
I've identified with Daedalus (engineer), Nike (goddess of victory) and Persephone (vegetation/death). Hey, if there's some good or visual images you can find on the internet for me, I could use them. I'm supposed to have images for reinforcement. I'm also looking at my dreams more closely and paying attention to what comes out of m mouth. What coversations I am creating. WE do live out of a lot of self-fulfillment. If so, I'm creating more of my own prophecies and livign an exciting life.
Stupid fucking Amir.
Ashton K. turned out to be the product of today's societal norms. No integrity. And overuse of texting instead of actual interaction. Stupid boys. Maybe you could find a really masculine dyke and get better results with women.
oooh. Maybe you'll meet a great guy at the US Open. I mean, you keep getting put in situations where you meet successful people, maybe you could find one who is financially AND emotionally stable.
They do exist.
Then you'll forget all about stupid Amir.
Benihana--I went there once when I was 19. It was fun, but I'd enjoy it more now. I was going to a Japanese sushi place the day I got arrestede, but chose the French wine bar instead. I think I made the better choice. I'll try out raw meet and seafood some other time.
Perhaps in Dec. 2013. That's the date I'm declaring to be legally free and out of prison. I named it months and months ago, resulting from a long calculation of possibilities and credits/demerits. I have bee speaking it, as it is widely known that you ask, believe, receive. In the Bible as well as any spiritual text it teaches that acts if it is done. Speak it. Anyway, I had a dream today that my father was driving me down a road and the street post sign said 5 years Road. Later it occurred to me that Dec 2013 is exactly fives years after my return to prison.
I love signs.
Thenight before I escaped I found 9 four leaf clovers in 15 minutes. Two separate women told me that it is meant I was going home in the morning. They had no idea how true that was. I laminated them and took them with me when I left. I had two weeks of freedom for each clover.
Flex [shampoo] is so old. Perhaps if they had updated their 1970s looking bottle, they'd still be selling it. And yes, you are a nut but I still like you. :-) You are a lot of fun.
Take care,
Sarah
Oh hey, I may not write for a little while. I was expecting $200 from my friend last week. $120 to pay for the analyst's official report, an then $80 for my month's expenses like postage and coffee, s hampoo and soap. Well, after she's been telling me for six years that she'll do anything to help me, I ask her to contribute toward the cost of the report. I'm thinking maybe 50 bucks. She offers two hundred. I totally am grateful. First, it gets returned to her for an address problem, now its 10 days later and still nothing, plus I haven't heard from her in a week. I hope she's not sick or hurt. And I hope she's not being funny about the money. It's very, very hard for me to ask people for help, even when they offer. My buddy tells me I need to get over it and swallow my pride and aks, so I do, but then I feel like a beggar if there's any drama around it. I have been so self-sufficient and independent my whole life, always ready to help others. I don't know why this is so hard for me. Anyway, so I let me account get down to twenty dollars because I thought I had money coming. I''d ask my mom and dad to help, and they will, but I don't get why I feel like such a hack for asking for the help that I have freely givne for 20 years. It's some weird life lesson, I guess. Maybe I should have picked a goddess of meony as an archetype.
:-)
***
Dear Kelly,
I received your card with the great magazine article--YOU! Oh how nice it would be to be a media source without it being connected to murder and prison. At the very least, without me being the bad guy. Anyway, I think it's cool as heck that you living is in glossy color. What I really love is that you don't compromise. This isn't some yearly fad for you; black, white and red is your life. I like how the author quotes you without making you sound nutty. The past paragraph where you are quoted, "Oh my God, the Universe is speaking to me!" She thinking you are joking. I don't. I think the Universe speaks to us all the time in coincidences and signs, just like that black, white and red chair you found on the street near your place. Just like the fact that MARRYING is in Amir's full name. And I bet that there are lots of other words inside your name, particularly your maiden name that probably would be another message from the Universe. It's no acciden twhat our parents name us or who we are born to marry.
Once upon a time I believe heavily in the universal signs and message through people and nature. Especially in the six months before I escaped.
I thought about waht you wrote and the last word for you got out of my name was PARDONERS. That inspired me to take a closer look at this name thing. The anagram machine gives you lots of combinations, but I wouldn't just take the longest words. I'd look at combos of smaller words, too, as well as name variations.
For example, I forgot exactly what your maiden name is, but I think it is IMPERATORE. I really wish I knew your middle name, but as soon as I wrote down KELLY IMPERATORE, do you know what I saw? REALTOR!
And I"m not sure that's just about you. You do PR for real estate, realtors, but Amir owns a real-estate--realtor--magazine. And you could not have missed the fact that Amir K shows up in your name.
In fact, I wish I knew your middle name because if it were something like ANGELA [Ed.: My middle name is ANN] you'd spell out his entire name in yours.
Even without a middle name, you still have Amir K and if you have one "A" in your middle name you can spell, "Amir K. Realtor" in one re-arrangement instead of two separate ones, though I don't think it matter. I'll explain later.
I totally love the idea behind your kartoonz. What a great way to communicate to someone on another level, plus make it fun and no so serious. And how smart ot show him that no matter who he picks up, even someone as hot, sexy and fit and amazing as CatWoman/HalleBerry--she'll never compare to your package of qualities.
Amir finally takes it as fate they should be together and they walk off hand in hand....too bad that isn't the end of the story.
Although it has gotten pretty good!
Do you even realize you are just a kartoon---when you say that to him in the kartoon, I realized how brilliant you are.
I takethat last strip you explained to be a clear message of power. You give him the power to drive you nuts and to squish up your insides. Sure, he's incredibly sexy and wealthy and successful, but that isn't where his power lies. His power solely exists inside of you. You grant him that power. If you ceased to pine, his power would cease to exist. It is NOT the other way around.
I wish I knew what stupid thing Amir said on CNBC. It can't be worse than me crying on national tv. At least his SNAFU was funny.
Your insanity is entertaining to me EVERY letter. It is both interesting and enlightening. And better yes, it makes my oddities...(idiosyncracies) appear normal.
Back to the anagrams:
KELLY IMPERATORE: Amir K Realtor---Kelly I. meets real estate businessman AMir K and after several months of dating and fighting and a surrender to fate, AK decides to marry KI but his cheating ways aren't gone for good and discussions of divorce soon loom on the horizon.
AMIR KORANGY: MARRYING KI
KELLY IMPERATORE: TEMPORARILY
AMIR KORANGY: KI ANGRY---Ki is angry at AK for being a perpetual shit and slut and at herself for believing he'd change. AK implores KI to give him another chance but nothing lasts forever.
KELLY IMPERATORE: AK IMPLORE
Perhaps if I had both of your middle names I would have a more detailed story, or at least one with a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings----
I am pretty sure I told you the basics of how I met Rick, my ex-boyfriend. That fates was involved used to be my stand, but now I believe that our futures are a mix of intention manifested and free will chosen with or reithout regard to clues from the Universe about impending danger or good fortune. Looking back, I see how completely correlated events wer in order to bring about what has so far been my past.
With Rick, it was creepy coincidence from Day One.l Out of 25,000 people, I meet him at the concert grounds. Two days later, I meet him again, totally by chance. After a month of searching for him with no luck, on the last day, I say, "If I don't find him today, I'm giving up." A few hours later, I pick him up on the side of the highway. Several other events oddly occurred and he ended up in my bed, where he overslept, missed his plane to CA, and never left. Instead we began a life together. Soon, his friends, Drew and Trish came and we got a place where he ends up shooting them. I did not know either of them very well at all, but I felt a connection to Trish. I pleaded with her to leave her abusive relationship with Drew and go back home to her kids. I cried over her life. And I cried over her death.
I barely knew her last name.
Anyway, this connection is significant when I do the anagrams of Rick's name. Whe he refers to "her" it's Trish. If he refers to "you" it's Trish. If it's both "her" and "you" that means Trish. I refers to himself. Convoluted, but you get it.
With the names, I use both the birth name and any variation used in spelling or nicknames. When I did Rick's I got a lot more than I thought I would. First Rick's middle initial is E. Often he signs, "Rick E. Hull". Immediately I sis KILLER. THen I put out his full birth name: Richard Edward Hull, Junior. OUt of that I saw COWARD LIAR
And then U WILL DIE HARD ROAD
Then I substituted in for what I called him (and his friends/family): Ricky . NOw once I spelled it Richie on a plastic cup at a party so I wasn't sure of the spelling. Because this name is more familiar to m e, I feel liek the U in these messages.
I KILL HER AND U CRIED. or I KILLED. U CRIED.
So I"m like no way! I kept going, substituting in the most accepted spelling; it produced four phrases that got me. Each has a background story, too.
COWARD KILLED IN HURRY--Prosecutor Larry Sells referred to Rick as a coward at my trial and the whole things was done in a hurry---sloppily.
I"D KILL HER AND YOU-- I asked him why he killed Trish. He said just because she was a witness and he almost killed me too.
I WARNED YOU--A couple of weeks before the shooting, I came home from work and Rick was insanely fucked up on acid and whiskey. He mumbled about how I didn't understand how dangerous things were. I thought it was babble. So I"m thinking, what about the good stuff? What about the rest of the story? He did grow a conscience and tell the truth in a hearing. About how he set me up and I was innocent of the murders. And guess what I saw?
JURY HEARD I KILL, U WON.
No fucking way, right?
Well, how about this? I took another look at my own name and saw: PARDONS HER.
The Universe speaks, Kelly Kreth. The Universe speaks.
And sometime I"ll tell you about the prophecy of 2008. Andnow, the prophecy of Dec 2013. Peace, Love and Grease!
--Sarah
In fact, you get ORATE KLLER from KI and you do talk to a lot of killers. Maybe it helps you: KEEP MORALITY (also in your name!) and stay on the better side of the prison fence.
P.S. I know there is some level of subjectivity here, but you don't get Amir from my name or warnings in yours, although your maiden name does provide KILLER. I think that is your interest in killers, not your occupation. Here's a litlte play with numbers: 0529 1979 953968 (my prison number and birthdate). Pull out 2013. Add the remaining numbers in the first group-39 3+9=12 December Second group 37. 3+7=10 10 December 2013. More on that later....
It's just past 6pm and I feel more energetic than I have for a few weeks. This is after a wek of fighting a lingering migraine. Tuesday I was vomiting, crying and aksin gGod to just go ahead and kill me swiftly. Obviously the Universe wants to continue to torture me while I discover my life's purpose and fulfill it with flair. This week I have tried meditating, connecting with my quantum, non-local spirit self and identify with ancient archtetypes to guide my inner intent/self.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
I've identified with Daedalus (engineer), Nike (goddess of victory) and Persephone (vegetation/death). Hey, if there's some good or visual images you can find on the internet for me, I could use them. I'm supposed to have images for reinforcement. I'm also looking at my dreams more closely and paying attention to what comes out of m mouth. What coversations I am creating. WE do live out of a lot of self-fulfillment. If so, I'm creating more of my own prophecies and livign an exciting life.
Stupid fucking Amir.
Ashton K. turned out to be the product of today's societal norms. No integrity. And overuse of texting instead of actual interaction. Stupid boys. Maybe you could find a really masculine dyke and get better results with women.
oooh. Maybe you'll meet a great guy at the US Open. I mean, you keep getting put in situations where you meet successful people, maybe you could find one who is financially AND emotionally stable.
They do exist.
Then you'll forget all about stupid Amir.
Benihana--I went there once when I was 19. It was fun, but I'd enjoy it more now. I was going to a Japanese sushi place the day I got arrestede, but chose the French wine bar instead. I think I made the better choice. I'll try out raw meet and seafood some other time.
Perhaps in Dec. 2013. That's the date I'm declaring to be legally free and out of prison. I named it months and months ago, resulting from a long calculation of possibilities and credits/demerits. I have bee speaking it, as it is widely known that you ask, believe, receive. In the Bible as well as any spiritual text it teaches that acts if it is done. Speak it. Anyway, I had a dream today that my father was driving me down a road and the street post sign said 5 years Road. Later it occurred to me that Dec 2013 is exactly fives years after my return to prison.
I love signs.
Thenight before I escaped I found 9 four leaf clovers in 15 minutes. Two separate women told me that it is meant I was going home in the morning. They had no idea how true that was. I laminated them and took them with me when I left. I had two weeks of freedom for each clover.
Flex [shampoo] is so old. Perhaps if they had updated their 1970s looking bottle, they'd still be selling it. And yes, you are a nut but I still like you. :-) You are a lot of fun.
Take care,
Sarah
Oh hey, I may not write for a little while. I was expecting $200 from my friend last week. $120 to pay for the analyst's official report, an then $80 for my month's expenses like postage and coffee, s hampoo and soap. Well, after she's been telling me for six years that she'll do anything to help me, I ask her to contribute toward the cost of the report. I'm thinking maybe 50 bucks. She offers two hundred. I totally am grateful. First, it gets returned to her for an address problem, now its 10 days later and still nothing, plus I haven't heard from her in a week. I hope she's not sick or hurt. And I hope she's not being funny about the money. It's very, very hard for me to ask people for help, even when they offer. My buddy tells me I need to get over it and swallow my pride and aks, so I do, but then I feel like a beggar if there's any drama around it. I have been so self-sufficient and independent my whole life, always ready to help others. I don't know why this is so hard for me. Anyway, so I let me account get down to twenty dollars because I thought I had money coming. I''d ask my mom and dad to help, and they will, but I don't get why I feel like such a hack for asking for the help that I have freely givne for 20 years. It's some weird life lesson, I guess. Maybe I should have picked a goddess of meony as an archetype.
:-)
***
Dear Kelly,
I received your card with the great magazine article--YOU! Oh how nice it would be to be a media source without it being connected to murder and prison. At the very least, without me being the bad guy. Anyway, I think it's cool as heck that you living is in glossy color. What I really love is that you don't compromise. This isn't some yearly fad for you; black, white and red is your life. I like how the author quotes you without making you sound nutty. The past paragraph where you are quoted, "Oh my God, the Universe is speaking to me!" She thinking you are joking. I don't. I think the Universe speaks to us all the time in coincidences and signs, just like that black, white and red chair you found on the street near your place. Just like the fact that MARRYING is in Amir's full name. And I bet that there are lots of other words inside your name, particularly your maiden name that probably would be another message from the Universe. It's no acciden twhat our parents name us or who we are born to marry.
Once upon a time I believe heavily in the universal signs and message through people and nature. Especially in the six months before I escaped.
I thought about waht you wrote and the last word for you got out of my name was PARDONERS. That inspired me to take a closer look at this name thing. The anagram machine gives you lots of combinations, but I wouldn't just take the longest words. I'd look at combos of smaller words, too, as well as name variations.
For example, I forgot exactly what your maiden name is, but I think it is IMPERATORE. I really wish I knew your middle name, but as soon as I wrote down KELLY IMPERATORE, do you know what I saw? REALTOR!
And I"m not sure that's just about you. You do PR for real estate, realtors, but Amir owns a real-estate--realtor--magazine. And you could not have missed the fact that Amir K shows up in your name.
In fact, I wish I knew your middle name because if it were something like ANGELA [Ed.: My middle name is ANN] you'd spell out his entire name in yours.
Even without a middle name, you still have Amir K and if you have one "A" in your middle name you can spell, "Amir K. Realtor" in one re-arrangement instead of two separate ones, though I don't think it matter. I'll explain later.
I totally love the idea behind your kartoonz. What a great way to communicate to someone on another level, plus make it fun and no so serious. And how smart ot show him that no matter who he picks up, even someone as hot, sexy and fit and amazing as CatWoman/HalleBerry--she'll never compare to your package of qualities.
Amir finally takes it as fate they should be together and they walk off hand in hand....too bad that isn't the end of the story.
Although it has gotten pretty good!
Do you even realize you are just a kartoon---when you say that to him in the kartoon, I realized how brilliant you are.
I takethat last strip you explained to be a clear message of power. You give him the power to drive you nuts and to squish up your insides. Sure, he's incredibly sexy and wealthy and successful, but that isn't where his power lies. His power solely exists inside of you. You grant him that power. If you ceased to pine, his power would cease to exist. It is NOT the other way around.
I wish I knew what stupid thing Amir said on CNBC. It can't be worse than me crying on national tv. At least his SNAFU was funny.
Your insanity is entertaining to me EVERY letter. It is both interesting and enlightening. And better yes, it makes my oddities...(idiosyncracies) appear normal.
Back to the anagrams:
KELLY IMPERATORE: Amir K Realtor---Kelly I. meets real estate businessman AMir K and after several months of dating and fighting and a surrender to fate, AK decides to marry KI but his cheating ways aren't gone for good and discussions of divorce soon loom on the horizon.
AMIR KORANGY: MARRYING KI
KELLY IMPERATORE: TEMPORARILY
AMIR KORANGY: KI ANGRY---Ki is angry at AK for being a perpetual shit and slut and at herself for believing he'd change. AK implores KI to give him another chance but nothing lasts forever.
KELLY IMPERATORE: AK IMPLORE
Perhaps if I had both of your middle names I would have a more detailed story, or at least one with a happy ending. Speaking of happy endings----
I am pretty sure I told you the basics of how I met Rick, my ex-boyfriend. That fates was involved used to be my stand, but now I believe that our futures are a mix of intention manifested and free will chosen with or reithout regard to clues from the Universe about impending danger or good fortune. Looking back, I see how completely correlated events wer in order to bring about what has so far been my past.
With Rick, it was creepy coincidence from Day One.l Out of 25,000 people, I meet him at the concert grounds. Two days later, I meet him again, totally by chance. After a month of searching for him with no luck, on the last day, I say, "If I don't find him today, I'm giving up." A few hours later, I pick him up on the side of the highway. Several other events oddly occurred and he ended up in my bed, where he overslept, missed his plane to CA, and never left. Instead we began a life together. Soon, his friends, Drew and Trish came and we got a place where he ends up shooting them. I did not know either of them very well at all, but I felt a connection to Trish. I pleaded with her to leave her abusive relationship with Drew and go back home to her kids. I cried over her life. And I cried over her death.
I barely knew her last name.
Anyway, this connection is significant when I do the anagrams of Rick's name. Whe he refers to "her" it's Trish. If he refers to "you" it's Trish. If it's both "her" and "you" that means Trish. I refers to himself. Convoluted, but you get it.
With the names, I use both the birth name and any variation used in spelling or nicknames. When I did Rick's I got a lot more than I thought I would. First Rick's middle initial is E. Often he signs, "Rick E. Hull". Immediately I sis KILLER. THen I put out his full birth name: Richard Edward Hull, Junior. OUt of that I saw COWARD LIAR
And then U WILL DIE HARD ROAD
Then I substituted in for what I called him (and his friends/family): Ricky . NOw once I spelled it Richie on a plastic cup at a party so I wasn't sure of the spelling. Because this name is more familiar to m e, I feel liek the U in these messages.
I KILL HER AND U CRIED. or I KILLED. U CRIED.
So I"m like no way! I kept going, substituting in the most accepted spelling; it produced four phrases that got me. Each has a background story, too.
COWARD KILLED IN HURRY--Prosecutor Larry Sells referred to Rick as a coward at my trial and the whole things was done in a hurry---sloppily.
I"D KILL HER AND YOU-- I asked him why he killed Trish. He said just because she was a witness and he almost killed me too.
I WARNED YOU--A couple of weeks before the shooting, I came home from work and Rick was insanely fucked up on acid and whiskey. He mumbled about how I didn't understand how dangerous things were. I thought it was babble. So I"m thinking, what about the good stuff? What about the rest of the story? He did grow a conscience and tell the truth in a hearing. About how he set me up and I was innocent of the murders. And guess what I saw?
JURY HEARD I KILL, U WON.
No fucking way, right?
Well, how about this? I took another look at my own name and saw: PARDONS HER.
The Universe speaks, Kelly Kreth. The Universe speaks.
And sometime I"ll tell you about the prophecy of 2008. Andnow, the prophecy of Dec 2013. Peace, Love and Grease!
--Sarah
In fact, you get ORATE KLLER from KI and you do talk to a lot of killers. Maybe it helps you: KEEP MORALITY (also in your name!) and stay on the better side of the prison fence.
P.S. I know there is some level of subjectivity here, but you don't get Amir from my name or warnings in yours, although your maiden name does provide KILLER. I think that is your interest in killers, not your occupation. Here's a litlte play with numbers: 0529 1979 953968 (my prison number and birthdate). Pull out 2013. Add the remaining numbers in the first group-39 3+9=12 December Second group 37. 3+7=10 10 December 2013. More on that later....
