Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #46

Dear Kelly,

I just wrote you a page and a half and it was outlining my ideas for a YouTube video and I was like, hey, I want to keep this and send it to someone who might make this for me. Sweet. I have lots of ideas and no one yet to implement them. They will come along. I have faith in the perfect timing of the Universe...

I have spent all week entrenched in research and writing civil law arguments to build a case against them continuing to segregrate me. It has simply become ridiculous. Plus, I surprisingly have a good case. I hope I don't actually have to file it though. I want them to get over it--it's been over two years nad people have done way worse and served way less time.

Lots of focus on my creative writing. It's amazing what a little guidance will do. Oh, and today I found an old book from the 1970s, an anthology of great essayists. Virginia Woolf, EB White, George Orwell, James Baldwin, etc. Some of which I have read, but only as maybe part of an American literature class years ago. What I like about reading great writers is that their sentences are so well crafted that they inspire fountains of ideas in me. Daily, I write at least one hour, sometimes two or three, just on developing my skills. I don't think too hard about it, just write what comes naturally. I want it to be my own mind, not an imitation of someone else's. I got the coolest envelope from you today. You have such fun stationary. I tried making the stupid boat, but there's a leap of logic in the directions and after two tries, I thought, FUCK IT. Stupid Chinese directions.

"He thinks it is the Amir Show but it's not." Yes, I get it. I guess there are some poeple so afraid of missing out on something more or better that they throw away the most valuable items. Or people. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be part of his harem, I only wish it weren't so painful for you to still be his friend. Recently, an ex-girlfriend wrote me. We had a unique relationship where she adored me and always treated me the best, with the most respect, time, attn., etc. but could not stop playing around. Instead of being a girlfriend who got cheated on we were best friends who sometimes had sex. Then it was on my terms and it was more like I was using her for sex, not her being a horny player. Maybe it makes no real difference, but it sure made me feel better. Now she's like, "oh baby. I can't believe how blind I was. It was always you. I love you forever, to pieces, etc." Bittersweet.

Isn't it so much easier to find anagrams for the past or what it known, rather than the future? It reminds me of the Bible Code.

I like the artist stamps you use. One of the artists is Jackson Pollack. What is significant about his character? Was he a nutcase or something?

Tomorrow is Saturday!

You should write a blog: An Ode to Saturday.

I was thinking of getting a copy of James Joyce's Ulysses, as I have come across its name 3 times in one week--touted as one of the best novels of the 20th century. In the meantime, I'm suing the essays as a learning tool, and as a practice exercise. I'm going to flip through my latest issues of National Geographic and describe the photos, or write a story about one. I have to keep creative with limited resources. I am grateful for an almost unlimited amount of time. That's the one advantage of solitary confinement. Time to learn and grow. I sent a legal packet to Kye to show her atty friend--basic legal grounds to petition to overturn my convictions and the first thing she said after readin the cover page, "Wow. This girl could be a lawyer." Sweet.

Your gourmet dinner sounds good, but I don't know what some of it is. What is Yerba Mate? I wonder if any of the local colleges offer the same thing from their culinary courses. I know the high school down the road does. Every afternoon it's open for dining--so people pay a reduced price to eat the food the culinary students practice on.

To me, it seems that you read, write, watch TV and go so many places, that you have unlimited time too. No wonder you don't want a 9-5 job.

I liked your blog about Mini's barking and the person who said you were a jerk obviously either never had a dog in an apt. bldg. or didn't really read what you wrote. Posh on him. Only men call women jerks.

I think.

I like your pet-friendly landlord.

People use the shield of anonymity to express the inner bully they can't in real life because they'd get their asses handed to them.

My opinion---DRIFT is what you experience when you are unempowered, unable to deal powerfully with people or situations that don't work, and instead let bullshit run your life, not the Universe. The Universe sends you clues and signs to direct yourself, it's up to you to steer. Otherwise, your rudder is flopping in a river of other people's chaos. You have no direction because you TAKE no direction. You idle in indecisiveness. Pick a direction. Picking a direction is a CHOICE, not a DECISION. It's not set in stone and signed in blood. Even wrong directions: 1) terach you what you DON'T want. 2) get you moving, and 3) are better than being caughtin an eternal eddy.

HOw do you sign up to get Advanced Readers Copies of books? And how do you win so many tickets to events? Are you always signing up for stuff online? Through what? Do you Google your interests and they happen to have contests or drawings?

How was your mammogram experience? That is definitely a blogworthy experience. Any medical experience usually is. I had a colposcopy & biopsy last week and I laughed so hard up til he ripped out a hunk of tissue. Laying naked from the waist down, with a paper sheet obscuring all but the fuzzy remains of a young mane bobbing up an ddown as a disembodied voice spoke, directing me to open wider, I tenses. Then I was magically transformed from a frightened gyno patient into a Mustang GTO. As he pedaled the hydraulics, I rose up for my oil change and a little diagnostics. He greased me up, expertly weilded shiny metal tools, and plugged my leak with a bit of silver nitrate, and sent me on my way with a follow-up appt. How about that dye scan?

I like Amir. He's funny.

"Your Taliban rules." ha ha. I was going to say that he's luck you don't make him use a dental dam, but I'm not sure if that would indicate that you were infected when the real message would be that he's such a slut that you would need protection FROM HIM and his oral cooties. But you kiss him, so that won't work. I've never seen a dental dam, but when I get out, I want to pick up some chick for a one nighter and pull it out to use on her, just to see her reactoin and have the experience.

I was thinking about your experience with Richard Rubenstein. and here's my insight: you say he's sleazy and unethical. If so, then he expects other people to be douchebags too. Perhaps when he said that you would have to ditch your clients and weasel out of your contracts, and you said OK, he chose not t hire you thinking you were prone to not keeping your word (contracts). And if so, he would invest time and money into positioning you, only for you to ditch him when a better deal came along. And I would NOT poke the evil beast. Pick your battles. How is that awful case with your ex going? Any progress?

I did hear about the ring of Soviet spies in the US that were here for years, using old school technology to collect information that was pretty much public knowledge for people who wanted it. It appeared that they were relics from a Soviet era. You wrote, "I'm just a sociopath magnet." Carl Jung talks about how the parts of us within our minds/souls/character that we don't acknowledge and make space for will then manifest in reality in the people we seek out, consciously or subconsciously, if you cannot accept the duality inside, it wil rip in two--inside and outside, because it must exist. I know that you readily acknowledge your mental instabilities, so mabye it is that you see the "sociopath" in others na dhave more compassion for them so you let them stick around longer. Or tha tyou see it, but at first refuse to acknowledge it and run the other way because you secretly seek self-destruction.

There's my psychobabble for today. That'll be $50, thank you.

I agree that most of the damage done in terms of emotional, verbal, mental abuse and the cheats and swindlers--they are the free, the "successful", the wealthy who are protected by money and fear and upper class culture. But there's just as many that deserve a few yeas to sit and ponder.

I love that your life is so public in different outlets. It's fun, huh?

Your experience with the celebs at the US Open shows how human (and inhumane) they can be. From my few experiences with men who own successful businesses, they are as wacky as the rest of us. Needy, clingy, medicated, cheaters, egotistical, drug addicts, control freaks---not all at once, just in general, have issues like anyone else. They are somehow more entitled to their issues. THINK: Mel Gibson.

My friend smoked pot with Rob Thomas once. She didn't know who he was until after the experience. That's what makes it great.

I didn't recognize most of the names of the glitterati from the Open. I recognized 9 of 23. To some, I'm sure being anonymous would be a gift. To others, an insult. Depends on their ego state. When I got ot visits, people say, "Is that Sarah Pender?" or when they come to lock, "I've heard about you." Mostly I want people to know the media distorts everything. That what I did, however I want to justify it, was illegal and NOT a good idea, and that people should fight for what they believe in, but not at the expense of their relationships. I'd never escape again because 1) I believe I'm getting out in a few years and 2) I'd never voluntarily leave my family and friends again to gain a little liberty. It's not worth it.

Okay, my butt is numb. Time for bed. As always, I enjoy your letters. You are as fun and interesting as your stationary!

PEACE,

Sarah