Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bartlett Whitaker, #9

Dear Kelly,

So, here's my plan: now that we are aware that you possess this supernatural ability to make Sarah Palin do retarded things, I think we need to bilk the DNC out of copious amounts of money. Think aboutit: we can send you to all of the inevitable "Palin in 2012" events which are bound to be inflicted on all of us, and have you stand in close proximity, causing her to commit political suicide time after time. How does that sound. As your manager, I shall only require ten percent.

Sadly it does not surprise me that you bumped into some pro-abstinence, pro-DP, pro-Jeeeeessusah! Texan on your trip. You coudln't toss a grenade down here without blasting at least a handful of such twits into the next world. I see by his photograph that he has the typical "I've-worked-my-whole-life-for-a defense-contractor-until-this-morning-they-fired-me-and-now-I've-got-a-duffel-bag-full-of-guns-and-a-Bible-look" that is pretty much endemic down ehre. Nice glasses, if we were to suddenly find ourselves back in 1082. Haha, "Texas Softball Hall of Fame?" Sign. Softball is for old farts who can't play baseball. Anyway, I feel the constant need to apologize for such people.

How are you feeling--oink---now? The flu-oink-still got you-oink oink-down? Ha, sorry, not really a funny subject. I hope you are feeling better. Since misery loves company, I will inform you that we are on lockdown currently. Sack lunches three times a day, few-if any-showers, no rec, commissary suspended, etc. I'm freaking starving right now, which isn't the same as being violently ill, save that both of our stomachs are empty. They already this this pod for shakedown, so we are now just waiting on them to finish the rest of the unit. I didn't lose too much this time around, save the usual victims of old correspondence and save containers I use to prepare food. Most of a certain type of guard likes me, so I lucked out this time. I'm not always so lucky. Hm..., on portion of your letter troubles me, Kelly. you wrote that you have "posted some of your long letters" on your site. I hope you do not mean the entire letter. as that is not really what I had in mind when I gave you permission for this. I have no real issues with you quoting me if such data is germane to whatever post you are trying to make. That's cool with me...But the idea of an entire piece of correspondence... I mean, I write to you because I like you. I neither know or wish to correspond with your member list, so you can see how my letters would take a totally different tack if the audence were to be more public. I guess I sort of assumed you would tell me when you planned to write about me, so I could at least put on some pants and tuck in my shirt, metaphorically. Maybe I misundertood your comment, and if so, please correct me. Anyways, I'm back to handwriting letters. Thought it woudl be good to get back to basicals, i.e. I ran out of ribbons. Has been a while since I've done this. I would venture a guess that this tradeshow you went ot in Houston was at the George R. Brown Center? Horrid, ghastly example of how not to design a building. Downtown has evolved quite a bit the last few years, with more clubs and restaurants than before, and way more loft buildings. It's still a suburb-centric sort of town, though. They are finally laying down track for a mass transit system, though this is always going to be a car town. you could call a cab, if coming to see me, but its more than a hours drive from the airport, and is going to cost you a fortune. As long as I have plenty of time to plan, I will find you transportation. You could drive from Livingston to Galveston (2.5 hours) and still technically be in Houston, so cabs are never a good idea here, except for inside the loop. Will work something out.

Those really are some amazing photos you sent. You don't get to see colors like that here. Or spaces so vast. I can't remember the last time I witnessed any scene which could be divided into foreground and background. Juneau looks sort of boring for a capital city, and Skagway sounds downright revolting. At least you didn't get mauled by anything mroe dangerous than that cretin from Tejas.

Well I guess it is a good think you have come to terms with being a malcontent. I'm aloof. How I'm wired. I want to be different, to be good with people, but ... people suck. Please understand I'm not being conceited when I say that most people are idiots. Just a fact of life.. I worte about the stupidity of the blogosphere recently, about what a horrid waste of memory most blogs seem to be. I'f you have somethign important to add to the human conversation, great. If your writing ability brings people pleasure or pain -- even better. But I don't fucking care to hear about someone's creepy obsession wtih Jessica Alba. Ok. I fucking get it. She's hot. I don't require 200,000 words to explain the matter. In the end, we are going to be a species with so much pointless data at our beck and call that we forget how to breath and perish while buried under an avalance of Britney Spears tweets. Anyways, when you read what I wrote, remember that I wasn't talking about you. Unless you are the President of the Jonas Brothers 4 Ever! NYC Chapter, in which case you can just not write me back :-)

Well, I'm off. Take care of yourself and get over the flu. If I mentioend the following in my last letter, forgive me. I sometimes repeart myself, repeat myself. If it is economically possible for you, could you tape a few stamps to the upper left hand page of the last page of your letter? I'm going through something of a rough patch right now and it would be a big help. They would have to be the regular 1st class American flag stamps, though. If not, it's cool. Anyways, I hope this finds you well.

Until, next time.

Thomas
My official 6 word memoir: I'm still waiting on the punchline.

[Ed.: I wrote back telling him that I misunderstood him when he said I have permission to use his letters online. I told him I have indeed posted his full letters and would ask him to seriously reconsider as I want to post them and not quotes. I explained further that I am not writing about him, but rather want his words to speak for himself. That I do not quote him in order to prove a point in a bigger editorial piece. I am not editorializing at all.]