Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #33

Dear KK---

Much to discuss from your fascinating, intriguing, and at time contradictory (!) letter, but first: I cannot resist :-)

Do your friends and lovers ever tell you that despite your being a highly sophisticated and independent New York City woman-at times you are still so clearly an adorable teenager?

"I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find Jon Hamm dreamy!"

DREAMY?! Really, Kelly?! I haven't heard that since the short-lived TV series about the 1960s & American Bandstand & Philadelphia starring a snow-white Brittany Snow... As in: "That Bobby Vinton is sooo dreamy!"

Personally, I find that side of you totally charming!
***

OK. With that out of my system-let me begin on the many scintillating topics & comments from your letter received just before the weekend.

My apologies for the pencil-hope you have no problems reading. Why the pencil plus related fiscal issue a bit later...

Hope that the official start of summer brings some hot sun to break the constant rain & wind & chill I know you've been having in your fair city. Hate hearing you say that "depression is really moving in". I have to believe that this economy has a lot of folks anxious, worried & fearful. All the more reason to let me try to elevate your mood & talk about things you seem so anxious to avoid...

Whatever of those "other things going on in your life" you can discuss, please do. Oh yes-and by the way, to relieve your paranoia of fears regarding "those things" and other subjects-people here have FAR MORE critical matters to worry about than "sexually explicit" in a letter, either coming in or going out. Believe me, I know. More on this in a bit, but that is simply not an issue, KK. I think your reasons are far more deeply rooted.

One more point from your first paragraph--DON'T let your exercise/fitness regimen fall by the wayside... You don't need me to tell you about endorphins & lifting spirits & depression, etc. etc.

Sure I know where Hoboken is-and Newark and Weehawken & Princeton. I actually interviewed at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School at one point. And of course there is no greater cliché than New Jersey. I've also been though western NJ by the PA border and southern NJ (Philly/Wilmington) which are of course totally different worlds.

The fact that you are comfortable being by yourself comes through clearly in everything you write. Being alone does not mean being lonely.

Of course I would have loved to have met you in 1993 -- assuming an older man at the time would have been all right with a lovely 23 year old! I started that year in the bitter, brutal winter of S.D. - then was at Stonybrook beginning in late June. You know what else happened in '93. But like everything else-meeting someone who would so clearly have made an impact in one's life would have changed events & outcomes--how much? Who knows?

Now-before I run out of time on this particular letter: One definition of intelligence is the ability to hold two contradictory thoughts in our brains at the same time.

To lead into that, though-FIRST, WOW! You really make some astonishing leaps of thought! I mentioned having worked in healthcare & knowing quite a few gay men (and women, by the way) and you asked about gay experiences.

The answer is no. And of course we must add the classic "Seinfeld" line: "Not that there's anything wrong with it!"

However, if I had, you would be highly abnormally uncurious to not ask for details, details. But I would not be able to tell you, because of this rather strange aversion to discussing anything of a sexual nature. I have no idea what the underlying fear is-but to repeat what I said earlier: your stated concerns simply do not exist. Consider some of the others who reside here...think about that...

To further elaborate: By now, with all the letters & topics we have exchanged & discussed--you must know that any discussion that involved sexually or sensuality in any detail would be closely tied to some other topic and would help both of us get to know the other better. You say you want to understand reason & motivations...other than childhood, sexual experience & attitudes are extremely important in what makes us who we are as adults.

And by the way: You have asked me about correspondence. Every once in a while I will receive a letter from a female who will say & describe things that, trust me would astonish you and me! I have far better ways to spend my time.

Two things to make the point:

#1) When I was in my early 20s, I had the incredible good luck, emotionally and sexually, to meet are "older" woman who taught me & guided me, lovingly and unselfishly, though everything & more a heterosexual couple can experience. It changed my life-for the better. Completely I know it sounds like a cliché but it was anything but. She made all my future relationships much more open, emotionally fulfilling, & sensual.

#2) In talking to heterosexual women & gay men--I believe I discovered why gay men & straight women do have a real connection-far & above the stereotyped fashion & shoes & gay hags" as seen on "Sex and the City" & a hundred other shows and movies.

So-my final comment on the subject is this: You asked about gay experience & girlfriends in Africa & HIV...yet, you are terrified (apparently)to actually discuss such things, when details are the only way the understand anything. Such as #1 & #2 above.

You're missing a golden opportunity if you stay with that, but obviously. I can only suggest & hope. You said it yourself - life & who we are is more than movies, blogs & books... Be adventurous & find out.

***

HOWEVER: Still much to ask you & discuss with you on those things & others from your letters:

>I saw that When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris has just come out in paperback.

You know his writing--so I'm guessing you have probably read it. Is this one of his books I should read if I get the chance?

I value & respect your opinion, needless to say.

By the way-one of the all-time BEST book covers: the grinning skull smoking a cigarette.

>Thank you for confirming the "related-ness" of Amy & David Sedaris. Here's another duo: I'm pretty sure is no, but...
- Lorraine Bracco born 10/2/55
- Debra Winger born 5/16/55

The only reason I mention: In "Goodfellas" Ms. Bracco looks amazingly like Debra Winger.

>MAD MEN Season III/Sun 16 August!

>I've heard good & not-so-good reviews of Woody Allen's new film "WHATEVER WORKS" starring Larry David.

Of course-you will be seeing "DEAD SNOW": The Norwegian film about resurrected Nazi zombies in contemporary Scandinavia. I'm kidding of course.

I actually have more time than I thought-so let me address some of more serious comments in your letter: [no particular order].

>Thanks for sharing regarding the interstitial cystitis. Do you take a prophylactic medication and/or antibiotics when needed? You mention sleep "A LOT." That is surprising given your busy, active and insane pace you keep up!

>Speaking of which, I actually sleep LESS. Up very late sometimes/ up often very early i.e. 0300/0330. Will explain why another time.

>Living in NYC, you must know a lot of gay men & women. I am very surprised you know only one who is HIV+. If his history is accurate, and he has been + since 1985-and has never been taken the early meds (AZT) or the cocktail - I hope he has gone to NYU or another major medical center so they can study his blood, etc.

The very small subset of such individuals is of great interest to AIDS researchers for obvious reasons. They may be the key to finding an actual cure or better treatments. Something in their immune system prevents the virus from acting.

> Regarding some of your friends who are "afraid" and have that ridiculous irrational fear...I forgive them their utter ignorance and the occasional irrationality of otherwise intelligent people. It is for that very reason that accounts of what I am supposed to have done have been wildly exaggerated...

>A final comment on correspondents: I actually do not have "lots of people" I write to. I mentioned the stunningly graphic sexual letters received from time to time, plus people write once or twice and then stop. My guess is that actually writing or typing a real letter is not easy for most people used to e-mails & texting etc. etc. / Yes, my medical correspondent is an old dr. colleague" who I've known for a long time. In fact, several items he sent are enclosed.

I would rather write to a few people and know them intimately, than the alternative.

You take care, KK. Let me help you feel even a tiny bit better-and you will learn about me I promise...Thinking of you & hope to hear from you soon.

Yours XO,

Michael