Kelly,
Just got off the phone with my Dad for Father’s Day. I got real lucky with my parents. I see a lot of people who bitch and complain about their parents or their crappy childhood, and, you know, some did get screwed. Crackhead moms, raped by uncles or stepfathers, beat for no good reason, etc. all of those things do fuck with a person’s self esteem and cognitive ability, not to mention morals and values. But at some point in time during our adult lives, we need to stop being victims. It’s so not powerful, and is like voluntarily locking yourself in your bathroom, eating spiders and mice for dinner and obsessively washing yourself ten times per day. Okay, maybe not, but it still limits a person’s ability to be okay in life, maybe great.
I want the world to get off it, take responsibility for their lives, and move forward. I had a realization that freed me from the victim mentality: Person X who did Y to me, had a whole situational context in their head that led them to think Z behavior was ok, or the best/right thing to do. Maybe it wasn’t acceptable to society, or a social norm, or even a good thing, but it simply was XYZ. And it doesn’t mean anything. It’s insignificant to NOW. The past doesn’t dictate the present. We don’t have to be victims of our past. It’s what it was and now we have now. I got past a lot of bad shit. So can others, including offenders and the victims of crime. But people stay victims as long as they choose. It’s a choice, not an eternal state of being.
Okay, I’m off my soap box. That’s just what was on my mind today.
I haven’t figured out what magazines to send my stuff to. I’m going to need some direction from family/friends. Any suggestions? I also am considering writing a book proposal or getting an agent, as there are 3 people interested in/currently writing a book about/involving me. There’s obviously interest. I’m undecisive right now.
What a shame about Scout. I hate when I find lovers or potential friends who have lots of great qualities and then end up partially retarded/psychotic/obsessive/plain fucking weird. Bummer.
Thanks for the blogs—they make me laugh. And I like to read your writing.
Here’s a thought: When the guy from the association wrote you telling you that you were stupid and worthless, he was really saying, “I need help.” Anything you defend is pointless. When he says you are stupid and worthless he doesn’t want to hear how not stupid and not worthless you are. He just wants you to GET that he needs help and he’s blaming it on you. So, yeah, you think I am stupid and worthless. Gotcha. Anything else? Okay, Now how can I help you? Do XYZ? Well, I did XYZ last month, but you didn’t know that because you didn’t receive the email, but how about we try MNO instead? By the way, I also did ABC, EFG, JKL and RST, and those are being responded to very well. I think MNO will generate the results you want. Okay, yes, you have a good day, too, Tata. Click. (Fucker.)
Just a suggestion. This works well for me when people get pissed at me and have no fucking clue. It’s not personal.
Sometimes I do think the Universe aligns just so in order to make wacky or frustrating days. I had several last week. Since you are in NY—I suspect your wacky days are straight out of a Quentin Tarantino movie or Salvador Dali painting. Real fucking weird.
Never heard of a six-word memoir, but I like it.
LIFE: A white mouse in God’s laboratory
TRAVEL; Soft bed, good food, liquor, sex
I went out in the sun (there’s a tiny caged area we can go for an hour 3X a week to sun) yesterday and baked myself properly. Nice to be pink. Don’t get me wrong, I like being white, just not transparent. Any luck there? You might have to resort to a tanning bed.
I liked the blog by Kean Wheaton on the being polite vs. shaming people into stopping rude actions. All wekk this new girl, who talks to herself throughout the day, and randomly attacks her heater, also has the raunchiest farts. It is already 90 degrees here, and with no A/C, we have fans that blow her stench around. It wafts into my room and up my nostrils. I have vivid image of what those fart molecules are doing in my mouth. Generally, I bury my face in my shirt, as does everyone else, who will talk about her quietly behind her back. Well, I wasn’t convinced it was her until yesterday, everyone else on the hall was out of their cells, away, except her and me. The distinct smell of baby shit creeped into my room. I was so undone I was speechless (plus I didn’t want to open my mouth.) But today, just minutes ago, the familiar smell walked over, sat down, crossed its legs and camped out in my room. I screamed, “Damn it! What the fuck? Who keeps shitting in their fucking pants? Huh? I hope toilet paper gets stuck in your asshole hairs and you get hemorroids!” Next time, I’m going to ask her, “Ebony, why do you insist on torturing us with your ass smells? I request you go sit on the toilet until you shit that smell out.” If addressing her directly doesn’t work, I’m goint to eat a load of beans and fight farts with farts.
It’s war.
Take care!
Sarah--
Friday, June 26, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Anne Kontz, #3
If You've Forgotten Who She is Click HERE. There's also a great episode of 48 Hours Mystery about her.
Dear Kelly,
I loved the card of Mini! He is adorable. My sister's dog looks a like like him-only white. You mentioned living on the Upper East Side near the museum--and you referred to it as boring--Well, I can't think of any part of NYC that would classify as boring! I'd want to visit the museum every day. Although after years of this place, I have a feeling that in 10 min. in NY would throw me into sensory overload. We live by such a slow pace here.
I'm a month late--but Happy Birthday to you!! My apologies for being late-I'm late in all my return letters. I've been workin gon a craft project for my mother for Mother's Day (& her birthday 5/19) - So I ahve no written anyone back in weeks/months. That is so unlike me & I didn't even get the project finished. I will be on time next year--we've got the (or one of)landmark years coming up. :-)
I've not seen my daugther in a few years--Her visitation is a messed up situation which I'll explain another time. However, I do talk to her very often, we write back & forth and my sister keeps me well supplied with pictures so I feel like I get to visit her. That is a situation I've placed in the hands of God and I trust Him to do what is best for her. She is my sunshine...the light of my life.
Prison life is not nearly as bad as most people think. The worst part is the "drama" caused by other women. In that regard I try to keep to myself. I have 3 or 4 close friends whom I trust. It's taken years for me to develop those special friends---you just have to learn who can or can't be trusted...much like out ther eonly here people have these self-serving agendas. If you approach each situation with caution, all will be OK.
I work in Horticulture and am in charge of the greenhouse. It's beautiful in there and I use these plants to set up & decorate various programs here. We also have plant sales & we plant flowers on the grounds. I work there every morning and get off at about 1 or 2pm. I am also involved in a number of groups or clubs. I am part of the Susan G. Romen Breast Cancer Foundation. We teach women about breast health and even have a "walk for the cure". I'm in Women's Club & Recreation Club. Both of these groups organize activities & sales. We sell subway sandwiches, pizza, etc., organize movie nights with popcorn, etc. I am an usher at Chursh & a member of the Praise Dance Team. I love that & didn't even know I had the talent of dance until I came to prison! I'm thankful to be here for that! We also have a Bible Study group think here called Kairos (Ed: sp?). I serve as the Chair for that--it is a year & a half elected position. It's a big job but I enjoy it. Finally, I attend 3-4 Bible studies each week & am furthering my education through a correspondence course in the mail. I'll have my degree soon. So--you can see I keep really busy. in what free time I do have, I read, write letters and do crafts (crochet & cross stitch) ... Don't forget shopping at the canteen. It's not much but its still shopping!
Well-it's a joy to hear from you as always and I promise not to take as long writing back in the future. Generally I am much more organized.
Take care--With Love
Ann
:-)
Dear Kelly,
I loved the card of Mini! He is adorable. My sister's dog looks a like like him-only white. You mentioned living on the Upper East Side near the museum--and you referred to it as boring--Well, I can't think of any part of NYC that would classify as boring! I'd want to visit the museum every day. Although after years of this place, I have a feeling that in 10 min. in NY would throw me into sensory overload. We live by such a slow pace here.
I'm a month late--but Happy Birthday to you!! My apologies for being late-I'm late in all my return letters. I've been workin gon a craft project for my mother for Mother's Day (& her birthday 5/19) - So I ahve no written anyone back in weeks/months. That is so unlike me & I didn't even get the project finished. I will be on time next year--we've got the (or one of)landmark years coming up. :-)
I've not seen my daugther in a few years--Her visitation is a messed up situation which I'll explain another time. However, I do talk to her very often, we write back & forth and my sister keeps me well supplied with pictures so I feel like I get to visit her. That is a situation I've placed in the hands of God and I trust Him to do what is best for her. She is my sunshine...the light of my life.
Prison life is not nearly as bad as most people think. The worst part is the "drama" caused by other women. In that regard I try to keep to myself. I have 3 or 4 close friends whom I trust. It's taken years for me to develop those special friends---you just have to learn who can or can't be trusted...much like out ther eonly here people have these self-serving agendas. If you approach each situation with caution, all will be OK.
I work in Horticulture and am in charge of the greenhouse. It's beautiful in there and I use these plants to set up & decorate various programs here. We also have plant sales & we plant flowers on the grounds. I work there every morning and get off at about 1 or 2pm. I am also involved in a number of groups or clubs. I am part of the Susan G. Romen Breast Cancer Foundation. We teach women about breast health and even have a "walk for the cure". I'm in Women's Club & Recreation Club. Both of these groups organize activities & sales. We sell subway sandwiches, pizza, etc., organize movie nights with popcorn, etc. I am an usher at Chursh & a member of the Praise Dance Team. I love that & didn't even know I had the talent of dance until I came to prison! I'm thankful to be here for that! We also have a Bible Study group think here called Kairos (Ed: sp?). I serve as the Chair for that--it is a year & a half elected position. It's a big job but I enjoy it. Finally, I attend 3-4 Bible studies each week & am furthering my education through a correspondence course in the mail. I'll have my degree soon. So--you can see I keep really busy. in what free time I do have, I read, write letters and do crafts (crochet & cross stitch) ... Don't forget shopping at the canteen. It's not much but its still shopping!
Well-it's a joy to hear from you as always and I promise not to take as long writing back in the future. Generally I am much more organized.
Take care--With Love
Ann
:-)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #18 & #19
Hello,
THREE LETTERS! Let me start by saying that I’m very anxious today, and I fear the depression is really moving in. I am upset about money/work stuff---haven’t got enough clients to make enough to support my lifestyle now so I have been looking for more and also trying to apply to full-time jobs, but they are scarce. Today was my last day at the personal trainer b/c I can’t afford it anymore, and I fear I’ll get flabby. I do not have the will to go to the gym without a trainer so I am not signing up for one. Also, there are some other things going on in my life that I can’t really discuss here now, but they involve a lawsuit. (Not against me…the other way around.)
It has been raining for days. It is grey and very sticky and humid out. After my last training session I went to my favorite Indian place to get lunch, but the Universe, once again, is conspiring against me because as I was eating I saw not one but TWO roaches. Ugh. Some days are better if you just lock yourself in the house.
Onto your questions. I did not grow up in NYC, but just across the river in NJ, by Hoboken. Not sure if you know where that is. I am an only child so there was no buffer from my schizo mother. It was really awful. But it has helped me become creative and I can amuse myself quite easily. I have many close friends, but tend to like to be alone a lot more than most. I relish the peace and quiet because I did not have it in my early years. Tell me about your brothers…
The smell of stale cigarettes in a warm, unventilated room bring me right back… ugh. You mentioned you would have loved to have met me in ’93…what were you doing in ’93? I don’t think you were in jail yet, right? But you were a dr. by then? I was still living in NJ in ’93 but I lived alone in a small basement apt. I always wanted to move to NYC because I knew that my mother would never come here. It worked!
There is no cure for interstitial cystitis and no one knows what causes it. There are a few treatments, most of which are painful and did not work for me. I am generally fine with few flair-ups as long as I watch what I eat and drink and get lots of sleep. I sleep A LOT and need a steady schedule or else my bladder acts up. Most people don’t know or notice thankfully.
So you avoided getting HIV? That is very good---but you had girlfriends in Africa. I’m assuming you only dated people who were tested… You are right in assuming I would find it inappropriate to discuss anything sexual in letters. I am happy to be your penpal, but I don’t think it wise to write anything sexually explicit to someone incarcerated. I assume your letters are read by guards or others in the jail system.
I do not have many HIV positive friends. In fact I only know one person with it and apparently he has had it since ’85 and has never taken a cocktail or any other meds for it. .He appears healthier than I am… In this regard he is lucky.
I haven’t watched the first season of Breaking Bad yet b/c the first disc is not available on Netflix. I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find John Hamm dreamy!
You mention you find it odd people still remember you and your case. I guess they do because Blind Eye was a bestseller and tons of people read it. It was quite powerful. Reading it was pretty scary. Many of my friends have read it before I even knew about it or who you were so they are afraid you might want to poison me. Sure hope not. The guy who wrote it grew up in Quincy, Illinois.
David Sedaris IS related to the actress/comedienne Amy Sedaris.
You mention having worked in healthcare you have known many gays. Have you ever had gay experiences? There is no mention of that in the book about you so I assume not, but you never know…
IN TREATMENT ended very anticlimactically. He quits his own therapist, is still single, doesn’t get back with his wife and his patients all quit for some reason or another. I heard they are still in talks for Season Three as the ratings went way down.
My god-daughter is 9. She lives in NJ with her parents. Her mother is an old and close friend of mine. I actually have two god-daughters. The other is only 9mos and her name is London. She lives here by me in NYC. She hasn’t been to the zoo yet, although her mom just took her to Greece for 10 days. Kids are scary and draining. I’m better with dogs.
Glad you liked the creepy cards I have sent. I collect creepy postcards.
Wow! You are up everyday at 6:15am? For breakfast? I guess you must go to bed early if you are eating your dinner at 5pm. Jail sounds so strange and scary and depressing, but also regimented. I like regimented. I am very regimented, although I hate having others tell me what to do.
You mention the Nurse Jackie clipping was sent to you by your medical correspondent…who is that? An old dr. colleague? It’s great you have lots of people who write that you correspond with. I will not be watching Nurse Jackie. Just doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want to start a new show.
This week I did something fun and different. I went all the way over to a place betw. Aves. B and C that I used to go to when I was in college. I used to go for urban poetry slams but this Tuesday they had this thing from a group called MOTH Story Slams. The concept is that each week it is held in a different place and there is a different theme. Tuesday’s was WHEELS. So people can put their name in a hat and 10 are picked to tell 5 minute stories (telling, not reading) about that topic. (I just went to watch.) The audience votes on each story and at the end a winner is picked. It was such a great night. The story I liked the best was by a guy with a great name: REED JENNER. He was so very handsome too. No wedding band. So I sent him a message the following day telling him how moved I was by his quirky and very personal story (it was about a comical suicide attempt.) Turns out he lives right by me only a few blocks away. Too bad he just had his girlfriend move in. At least I made a new friend… I plan on going to more of these Story Slams. The next one I am available for is CUPID in July. I will not be telling a story, but if EXCRETIONS, JEANS, or SHOPPING are ever topics, you know which I will be telling.
I don’t have many plans this weekend. I may to go NJ Sat. night to hang out with a friend in my old neighborhood. Haven’t really been back in 10 years, so it’ll be odd.
Well, as always, take care.
--Kelly
***
Dear MS—
I was surprised I didn’t get a letter from you last week, but there was a big envelope in my mailbox today! I find it odd that you think I have a wall up. I feel like I am extremely forthcoming to you (and most I meet.) I am typically very open. In the regard to the “HIV case” I cannot discuss this at present b/c it involves a lawsuit (not against me) and as I’m sure you are well aware, legally I cannot discuss anything while it remains open. I am sorry for being cryptic in this regard, but I do not even discuss the ins and outs of it with my real-life acquaintances. Believe me, I promise to write about this very publicly when I am able to.
When something bad happens to me, I process it better by writing about it. That is why blogging has been so powerful and therapeutic for me. The column, a less-serious extension of that, was also helpful to me in airing out my relationships and by doing so, seeing them more clearly. I think most things can be cured—well, maybe not cured, but helped—by writing about them.
I love hearing about your doctor/paramedic stories, so feel free to send more on. Surely you can understand, though, that I do not want to blindly believe anything I read about you. That is why I specifically ask you so many questions. I want to hear the full story from your point of view. I realize you are not allowed to write it to me in its entirety, but I really wish there was a “Blind Eye” written by you. You don’t dispute you did things that make you deserve to be in jail, but you have never really detailed what exactly you did. So I am left to only having what is written in print and online as a resource and that is not good. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Or at least an article? I know this might sound absurd, but given the American public’s fascination with murderers and the like, I’d love to be able to write a book about the incarcerated’s thoughts---like what do they think about their crimes, the penal system, the prisons they are in & how do they keep going knowing they will be in jail for the rest of their life, or worse, on Death Row. It seems to me that prisoners seem to lose their voice once convicted, and while I would offer no editorialization of my own, their words should be heard and stand by themselves. For example, your clarification on KK’s autopsy. I would have never known that had we not been corresponding. Are there some things you’d like the public to know about you? I wonder if that is important to you.
I have two meetings this week with potential new clients (fingers crossed) and have also been applying to jobs. I’d hate to give up my freelance lifestyle, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I love freedom, but I like not being homeless more.
Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear your six-word memoir and maybe even a travel one too… maybe about Africa???
And yes, Who’s Afraid of… made me extremely tense.
Ah, the breast reduction surgery I actually had TWICE. When I was 32 I had it done. I won’t get into graphic detail, but they were still too big afterwards and within a year they grew back to their original size. So last year when I turned 38 I went back and got it redone. They are almost too small now, but I am much happier. The first time left me with no scars, but this time I do have them. Still, fitting in clothes perfectly is priceless. I guess I should mentioned I’ve also had a nose job (actually two because the first heeled with a bump). So there you go, you now know more about me than before. The wedding picture was after the first reduction but before the second. I’m done with surgery, although I really hate my neck…
I have been systematically going through all my closets/drawers and organizing them, taking out winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. Many things are too big for me as I’ve lost weight, so I have to shift the closets around. I am trying to make everything neat and perfect before leaving this Sunday to Alaska. Tonight I have the second part of my writing class: HOW TO GET PUBLISHED. Basically it teaches you how to get an agent and the importance of the query letter. I had to write one tonight to bring to class. I hope to take another class after summer about HOW TO WRITE A NON-FICTION BOOK PROPOSAL. Then this Friday is my cooking class in PAELLA. A class of 12 makes three types of paella and at the end of the class we get to eat them and drink wine. YUM!
Not sure if you are following the crazy weather the East Coast has been experiencing, but we have had weeks of rain. I have forgotten what the sun looks like. Usually by now I’ve been to the beach and am tan. Instead I’m pasty white and have not been near the sand and surf. Hopefully when I return from Alaska I can salvage what remains of the summer.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. ---KK
THREE LETTERS! Let me start by saying that I’m very anxious today, and I fear the depression is really moving in. I am upset about money/work stuff---haven’t got enough clients to make enough to support my lifestyle now so I have been looking for more and also trying to apply to full-time jobs, but they are scarce. Today was my last day at the personal trainer b/c I can’t afford it anymore, and I fear I’ll get flabby. I do not have the will to go to the gym without a trainer so I am not signing up for one. Also, there are some other things going on in my life that I can’t really discuss here now, but they involve a lawsuit. (Not against me…the other way around.)
It has been raining for days. It is grey and very sticky and humid out. After my last training session I went to my favorite Indian place to get lunch, but the Universe, once again, is conspiring against me because as I was eating I saw not one but TWO roaches. Ugh. Some days are better if you just lock yourself in the house.
Onto your questions. I did not grow up in NYC, but just across the river in NJ, by Hoboken. Not sure if you know where that is. I am an only child so there was no buffer from my schizo mother. It was really awful. But it has helped me become creative and I can amuse myself quite easily. I have many close friends, but tend to like to be alone a lot more than most. I relish the peace and quiet because I did not have it in my early years. Tell me about your brothers…
The smell of stale cigarettes in a warm, unventilated room bring me right back… ugh. You mentioned you would have loved to have met me in ’93…what were you doing in ’93? I don’t think you were in jail yet, right? But you were a dr. by then? I was still living in NJ in ’93 but I lived alone in a small basement apt. I always wanted to move to NYC because I knew that my mother would never come here. It worked!
There is no cure for interstitial cystitis and no one knows what causes it. There are a few treatments, most of which are painful and did not work for me. I am generally fine with few flair-ups as long as I watch what I eat and drink and get lots of sleep. I sleep A LOT and need a steady schedule or else my bladder acts up. Most people don’t know or notice thankfully.
So you avoided getting HIV? That is very good---but you had girlfriends in Africa. I’m assuming you only dated people who were tested… You are right in assuming I would find it inappropriate to discuss anything sexual in letters. I am happy to be your penpal, but I don’t think it wise to write anything sexually explicit to someone incarcerated. I assume your letters are read by guards or others in the jail system.
I do not have many HIV positive friends. In fact I only know one person with it and apparently he has had it since ’85 and has never taken a cocktail or any other meds for it. .He appears healthier than I am… In this regard he is lucky.
I haven’t watched the first season of Breaking Bad yet b/c the first disc is not available on Netflix. I CANNOT wait for Mad Men. I find John Hamm dreamy!
You mention you find it odd people still remember you and your case. I guess they do because Blind Eye was a bestseller and tons of people read it. It was quite powerful. Reading it was pretty scary. Many of my friends have read it before I even knew about it or who you were so they are afraid you might want to poison me. Sure hope not. The guy who wrote it grew up in Quincy, Illinois.
David Sedaris IS related to the actress/comedienne Amy Sedaris.
You mention having worked in healthcare you have known many gays. Have you ever had gay experiences? There is no mention of that in the book about you so I assume not, but you never know…
IN TREATMENT ended very anticlimactically. He quits his own therapist, is still single, doesn’t get back with his wife and his patients all quit for some reason or another. I heard they are still in talks for Season Three as the ratings went way down.
My god-daughter is 9. She lives in NJ with her parents. Her mother is an old and close friend of mine. I actually have two god-daughters. The other is only 9mos and her name is London. She lives here by me in NYC. She hasn’t been to the zoo yet, although her mom just took her to Greece for 10 days. Kids are scary and draining. I’m better with dogs.
Glad you liked the creepy cards I have sent. I collect creepy postcards.
Wow! You are up everyday at 6:15am? For breakfast? I guess you must go to bed early if you are eating your dinner at 5pm. Jail sounds so strange and scary and depressing, but also regimented. I like regimented. I am very regimented, although I hate having others tell me what to do.
You mention the Nurse Jackie clipping was sent to you by your medical correspondent…who is that? An old dr. colleague? It’s great you have lots of people who write that you correspond with. I will not be watching Nurse Jackie. Just doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want to start a new show.
This week I did something fun and different. I went all the way over to a place betw. Aves. B and C that I used to go to when I was in college. I used to go for urban poetry slams but this Tuesday they had this thing from a group called MOTH Story Slams. The concept is that each week it is held in a different place and there is a different theme. Tuesday’s was WHEELS. So people can put their name in a hat and 10 are picked to tell 5 minute stories (telling, not reading) about that topic. (I just went to watch.) The audience votes on each story and at the end a winner is picked. It was such a great night. The story I liked the best was by a guy with a great name: REED JENNER. He was so very handsome too. No wedding band. So I sent him a message the following day telling him how moved I was by his quirky and very personal story (it was about a comical suicide attempt.) Turns out he lives right by me only a few blocks away. Too bad he just had his girlfriend move in. At least I made a new friend… I plan on going to more of these Story Slams. The next one I am available for is CUPID in July. I will not be telling a story, but if EXCRETIONS, JEANS, or SHOPPING are ever topics, you know which I will be telling.
I don’t have many plans this weekend. I may to go NJ Sat. night to hang out with a friend in my old neighborhood. Haven’t really been back in 10 years, so it’ll be odd.
Well, as always, take care.
--Kelly
***
Dear MS—
I was surprised I didn’t get a letter from you last week, but there was a big envelope in my mailbox today! I find it odd that you think I have a wall up. I feel like I am extremely forthcoming to you (and most I meet.) I am typically very open. In the regard to the “HIV case” I cannot discuss this at present b/c it involves a lawsuit (not against me) and as I’m sure you are well aware, legally I cannot discuss anything while it remains open. I am sorry for being cryptic in this regard, but I do not even discuss the ins and outs of it with my real-life acquaintances. Believe me, I promise to write about this very publicly when I am able to.
When something bad happens to me, I process it better by writing about it. That is why blogging has been so powerful and therapeutic for me. The column, a less-serious extension of that, was also helpful to me in airing out my relationships and by doing so, seeing them more clearly. I think most things can be cured—well, maybe not cured, but helped—by writing about them.
I love hearing about your doctor/paramedic stories, so feel free to send more on. Surely you can understand, though, that I do not want to blindly believe anything I read about you. That is why I specifically ask you so many questions. I want to hear the full story from your point of view. I realize you are not allowed to write it to me in its entirety, but I really wish there was a “Blind Eye” written by you. You don’t dispute you did things that make you deserve to be in jail, but you have never really detailed what exactly you did. So I am left to only having what is written in print and online as a resource and that is not good. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Or at least an article? I know this might sound absurd, but given the American public’s fascination with murderers and the like, I’d love to be able to write a book about the incarcerated’s thoughts---like what do they think about their crimes, the penal system, the prisons they are in & how do they keep going knowing they will be in jail for the rest of their life, or worse, on Death Row. It seems to me that prisoners seem to lose their voice once convicted, and while I would offer no editorialization of my own, their words should be heard and stand by themselves. For example, your clarification on KK’s autopsy. I would have never known that had we not been corresponding. Are there some things you’d like the public to know about you? I wonder if that is important to you.
I have two meetings this week with potential new clients (fingers crossed) and have also been applying to jobs. I’d hate to give up my freelance lifestyle, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I love freedom, but I like not being homeless more.
Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear your six-word memoir and maybe even a travel one too… maybe about Africa???
And yes, Who’s Afraid of… made me extremely tense.
Ah, the breast reduction surgery I actually had TWICE. When I was 32 I had it done. I won’t get into graphic detail, but they were still too big afterwards and within a year they grew back to their original size. So last year when I turned 38 I went back and got it redone. They are almost too small now, but I am much happier. The first time left me with no scars, but this time I do have them. Still, fitting in clothes perfectly is priceless. I guess I should mentioned I’ve also had a nose job (actually two because the first heeled with a bump). So there you go, you now know more about me than before. The wedding picture was after the first reduction but before the second. I’m done with surgery, although I really hate my neck…
I have been systematically going through all my closets/drawers and organizing them, taking out winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. Many things are too big for me as I’ve lost weight, so I have to shift the closets around. I am trying to make everything neat and perfect before leaving this Sunday to Alaska. Tonight I have the second part of my writing class: HOW TO GET PUBLISHED. Basically it teaches you how to get an agent and the importance of the query letter. I had to write one tonight to bring to class. I hope to take another class after summer about HOW TO WRITE A NON-FICTION BOOK PROPOSAL. Then this Friday is my cooking class in PAELLA. A class of 12 makes three types of paella and at the end of the class we get to eat them and drink wine. YUM!
Not sure if you are following the crazy weather the East Coast has been experiencing, but we have had weeks of rain. I have forgotten what the sun looks like. Usually by now I’ve been to the beach and am tan. Instead I’m pasty white and have not been near the sand and surf. Hopefully when I return from Alaska I can salvage what remains of the summer.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. ---KK
Monday, June 22, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #31
Dear KK---
So glad your letter from Sat 5/30 arrived yesterday, so I can at least start answering your always scintillating prose before the weekend. By the way, very elegant paper, and your printer appears to be functioning flawlessly.
Always interesting to receive your letters and know (roughly) what is in the letters already sent to you--and wonder if anything I say can break through that wall that you have so carefully constructed. That's not a negative--I do understand. In the past I've been pretty efficient at wall-building myself. Perhaps my best clue to an answer is you said you might share your "HIV story" in a year or two. Hope it is sooner; but if not that's ok, too. Because-once again, not t make you uncomfortable--knowing you is worth the wait--your personal, sensual, feminine interior side... I know it is rich and amazing, but I also know you reveal so little. I hope, in time, you can to me. Much more on this later, but for now let me get to some items in the news and to your letter:
>I saw that your birthday play--God of Carnage won as least three Tonys. Best Play, Best Director, and Best Actress for Marcia Gay Harden. Glad our viewing of it lived up to the buildup.
>In a letter you should have received in early June, I mentioned some calls I went on as a paramedic--in my continuing effort to reveal to you something of me that hasn't been wildly distorted by the things you've read! I told you about the autoerotic asphyxiation tragedies-so I thought it extremely coincidental when the news of David Carradine's bizarre death circumstances comes to us from Thailand. the initial reports & some of the background certainly sounds like autoerotic asphyxiation--but UNLIKE some people I know :-) I'm not ready to pronounce it fact. People have tried to cover up murder by using the shock & sensationalism of AEA.
By the way, as you well know, this is not the first time that the news has reflected something you and I have discussed OR that you and I have independently mentioned the same topic or sent similar articles... a fascinating meeting of the minds. Here's what I wish you could realize: The person you have these connections with--and I believe the connections go far deeper and more intimately--is not the person who committed the acts which resulted in my being here. It's "OK", KK, for you & I share and have common interests, and I hope, know each other much more.
With that said, my dear KK, let me segue into one of the many things in your letter I want to talk about... About every six months or so--more or less--I receive a letter from someone in Europe [often Holland for some reason.} Invariably they say something along the lines of: "I don't' know what is accurate or not of what I've read about you, but in my country we know all about the over 100 innocent men freed from death row. If they can get capital cases so wrong, then we assume a lot else is wrong too." Again, Kelly, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist... So--while I could never, ever hate you for asking questions, I must admit to being bemused & somewhat astonished at your willingness, you--my savvy, sophisticated, cynical [sexy & sensual took can't resist the alliteration! UMMM...!] New Yorker--to believe of accept as gospel almost anything you read about me!
Case in point--among several: "apparently the autopsy showed she had arsenic in her system." It's not easy to discuss, but KK would want me to correct the record. After KK's suicide in July 1993, she had an autopsy, of course, and was then cremated & ashes scattered. Very sad, very poignant. But as I said, I can talk about it when I need to... The autopsy showed no such result at all. Whoever wrote that, whether in a book or on the net or in a newspaper--is simply lying or ignorant.
[You are of course kidding, right? By now you must know I find you highly intelligent, very attractive, funny and very sexy/sensual (not that you dare reveal that part of you...) Hate you? Nonsense, KK.
There was never any mention of this "supposed" finding until after the book & media blitz years later. To this day I have no idea what is the basis. I would be extremely skeptical of any "lab results" suddenly appearing years later. Finally, so far as "migraines & sickness" --poor KK was tentatively diagnosed with Crohn's disease and suffered migraines long before she and I met.
So I have nothing to show/say that anyone was "sneaking" anything into her food or drink. I find it all very unlikely. and I know that I did not.
Again, if those Europeans can see the enormous injustices and inaccuracies in the actual system here/ surely you must take what you read or hear with a grain of salt. :-) A narrative has been created--and I'm sure anyone who reads it or thinks they "know it" believe every word [like those friends you mentioned]. But you, my intelligent and skeptical KK, can know me and let me know you--IF you are willing to open up.
Again, I understand the curiosity. But I could never "hate you" for your questions! [please read again what I said at the bottom of page 4]. And if you still feel like a "virtual stranger" --it's not because I haven't tried to get you to open up & let me inside you... you, try so hard to remain at arm's length, KK. But as I've said, I am patient and you are worth waiting for. If you don't think you are worth waiting for--that would be tragic, KK.
By the way, I could not agree with you more that knowing someone intimately, inside and out, is far more fulfilling & pleasurable than simply discussing films and your admittedly fascinating columns/blogs.
***
Returning to your letter [I can already see this letter will be continued over the weekend--my verbose nature the cause, as usual. But you are to blame too--for being so damned fascinating! :0]
Reading your letter, it sounds like you could definitely benefit from those meditation classes you mentioned! These words noted in your letter written on a "peaceful" Saturday: TENSE, OVERWHELMED, TRYING, FRUSTRATING... Then again I can only imagine the joy of encountering non-paying, deadbeat clients during this economic mess. Aaauugh!
One's memory palace is perfect for relaxation and meditation... [NOTE: Much to discuss re: memory palace... will try to start with that next time.]
Along with your deadbeat client, you mentioned another idiot client who e-mailed insults and abuse to you. There is a theory I ascribe to that such individuals somehow believe they can say anything by e-mail. They would not dare say such things either face-to-face or on the phone. Email is their "weapon of choice." Your self-control in the face of such abuse is remarkable, KK.
You wondered if "these machines" actually have intelligence? I have a humorous and a serious response: OF COURSE they are! And when SkyNet becomes self-aware the machines will unite and destroy mankind!!! Seriously, however, the whole idea of increasingly intelligent, human-like "self aware" machines is a highly intriguing, admittedly nerdy topic. Alan Turing & John van Neumann wrote about this in the 50s and 60s. Brilliant stuff. Stands up even today.
Oh, and by the way--both your computers are actively conspiring against you and the Kinkos computers were in on it too..! xoxo
Sounds like quite a show you went to Saturday night with an author, a band, comedians and "six-word memoirists".
Love your 6 word Life Memoir and Travel. Let me ponder that for a bit, and will send you anything I come up with.
And thank you for your haikuX2--another small piece of the marvelous puzzled that is Kelly K...
You mentioned yelling & fighting couples on stage in God of Carnage. You must adore Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?!!
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan in the audience. If you get a chance-watch those "Rescue Me' episodes featuring Fox this season. He is so good in that role.
Running short on time, so let me say just a couple of things and get this in the mail:
"Brothers Bloom"/"Adoration"/others you and I have mentioned. Big stars, big directors, bad films. Why does this happen so often.
Finally, you mentioned your breast-reduction surgery. I don't' know if your wedding photo was before or after-but as I said earlier, every part of you look absolutely lovely.... Was that a difficult decision to make? It is well-known in surgical circles that breast reduction surgery is a much more difficult operation than breast augmentation. Talk to me. I'm sure you went through a lot both before & after... I would say more, but don't want to make you uncomfortable...
Speaking of which, my letter over the weekend will talk about memory & memory palace--as well as the "night dance" & "Scout". I'm sure no matter what I say, it will make you uncomfortable...I hope I can change that, KK...completely.]
And your additional "questions" of course! Your questions how amazing insight & intensity; now if you an realize I have the same attitude in wanting to know so much more about you, and OMG! do I dare dream of such insight & intensity directed towards other parts of life & the human experience?
Be good, be calm [Ohmmmmm....], and know I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. There is a radio station (on the TV) that plays Alt Rock/Grunge/Industrial Rock including Nirvana.
So glad your letter from Sat 5/30 arrived yesterday, so I can at least start answering your always scintillating prose before the weekend. By the way, very elegant paper, and your printer appears to be functioning flawlessly.
Always interesting to receive your letters and know (roughly) what is in the letters already sent to you--and wonder if anything I say can break through that wall that you have so carefully constructed. That's not a negative--I do understand. In the past I've been pretty efficient at wall-building myself. Perhaps my best clue to an answer is you said you might share your "HIV story" in a year or two. Hope it is sooner; but if not that's ok, too. Because-once again, not t make you uncomfortable--knowing you is worth the wait--your personal, sensual, feminine interior side... I know it is rich and amazing, but I also know you reveal so little. I hope, in time, you can to me. Much more on this later, but for now let me get to some items in the news and to your letter:
>I saw that your birthday play--God of Carnage won as least three Tonys. Best Play, Best Director, and Best Actress for Marcia Gay Harden. Glad our viewing of it lived up to the buildup.
>In a letter you should have received in early June, I mentioned some calls I went on as a paramedic--in my continuing effort to reveal to you something of me that hasn't been wildly distorted by the things you've read! I told you about the autoerotic asphyxiation tragedies-so I thought it extremely coincidental when the news of David Carradine's bizarre death circumstances comes to us from Thailand. the initial reports & some of the background certainly sounds like autoerotic asphyxiation--but UNLIKE some people I know :-) I'm not ready to pronounce it fact. People have tried to cover up murder by using the shock & sensationalism of AEA.
By the way, as you well know, this is not the first time that the news has reflected something you and I have discussed OR that you and I have independently mentioned the same topic or sent similar articles... a fascinating meeting of the minds. Here's what I wish you could realize: The person you have these connections with--and I believe the connections go far deeper and more intimately--is not the person who committed the acts which resulted in my being here. It's "OK", KK, for you & I share and have common interests, and I hope, know each other much more.
With that said, my dear KK, let me segue into one of the many things in your letter I want to talk about... About every six months or so--more or less--I receive a letter from someone in Europe [often Holland for some reason.} Invariably they say something along the lines of: "I don't' know what is accurate or not of what I've read about you, but in my country we know all about the over 100 innocent men freed from death row. If they can get capital cases so wrong, then we assume a lot else is wrong too." Again, Kelly, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist... So--while I could never, ever hate you for asking questions, I must admit to being bemused & somewhat astonished at your willingness, you--my savvy, sophisticated, cynical [sexy & sensual took can't resist the alliteration! UMMM...!] New Yorker--to believe of accept as gospel almost anything you read about me!
Case in point--among several: "apparently the autopsy showed she had arsenic in her system." It's not easy to discuss, but KK would want me to correct the record. After KK's suicide in July 1993, she had an autopsy, of course, and was then cremated & ashes scattered. Very sad, very poignant. But as I said, I can talk about it when I need to... The autopsy showed no such result at all. Whoever wrote that, whether in a book or on the net or in a newspaper--is simply lying or ignorant.
[You are of course kidding, right? By now you must know I find you highly intelligent, very attractive, funny and very sexy/sensual (not that you dare reveal that part of you...) Hate you? Nonsense, KK.
There was never any mention of this "supposed" finding until after the book & media blitz years later. To this day I have no idea what is the basis. I would be extremely skeptical of any "lab results" suddenly appearing years later. Finally, so far as "migraines & sickness" --poor KK was tentatively diagnosed with Crohn's disease and suffered migraines long before she and I met.
So I have nothing to show/say that anyone was "sneaking" anything into her food or drink. I find it all very unlikely. and I know that I did not.
Again, if those Europeans can see the enormous injustices and inaccuracies in the actual system here/ surely you must take what you read or hear with a grain of salt. :-) A narrative has been created--and I'm sure anyone who reads it or thinks they "know it" believe every word [like those friends you mentioned]. But you, my intelligent and skeptical KK, can know me and let me know you--IF you are willing to open up.
Again, I understand the curiosity. But I could never "hate you" for your questions! [please read again what I said at the bottom of page 4]. And if you still feel like a "virtual stranger" --it's not because I haven't tried to get you to open up & let me inside you... you, try so hard to remain at arm's length, KK. But as I've said, I am patient and you are worth waiting for. If you don't think you are worth waiting for--that would be tragic, KK.
By the way, I could not agree with you more that knowing someone intimately, inside and out, is far more fulfilling & pleasurable than simply discussing films and your admittedly fascinating columns/blogs.
***
Returning to your letter [I can already see this letter will be continued over the weekend--my verbose nature the cause, as usual. But you are to blame too--for being so damned fascinating! :0]
Reading your letter, it sounds like you could definitely benefit from those meditation classes you mentioned! These words noted in your letter written on a "peaceful" Saturday: TENSE, OVERWHELMED, TRYING, FRUSTRATING... Then again I can only imagine the joy of encountering non-paying, deadbeat clients during this economic mess. Aaauugh!
One's memory palace is perfect for relaxation and meditation... [NOTE: Much to discuss re: memory palace... will try to start with that next time.]
Along with your deadbeat client, you mentioned another idiot client who e-mailed insults and abuse to you. There is a theory I ascribe to that such individuals somehow believe they can say anything by e-mail. They would not dare say such things either face-to-face or on the phone. Email is their "weapon of choice." Your self-control in the face of such abuse is remarkable, KK.
You wondered if "these machines" actually have intelligence? I have a humorous and a serious response: OF COURSE they are! And when SkyNet becomes self-aware the machines will unite and destroy mankind!!! Seriously, however, the whole idea of increasingly intelligent, human-like "self aware" machines is a highly intriguing, admittedly nerdy topic. Alan Turing & John van Neumann wrote about this in the 50s and 60s. Brilliant stuff. Stands up even today.
Oh, and by the way--both your computers are actively conspiring against you and the Kinkos computers were in on it too..! xoxo
Sounds like quite a show you went to Saturday night with an author, a band, comedians and "six-word memoirists".
Love your 6 word Life Memoir and Travel. Let me ponder that for a bit, and will send you anything I come up with.
And thank you for your haikuX2--another small piece of the marvelous puzzled that is Kelly K...
You mentioned yelling & fighting couples on stage in God of Carnage. You must adore Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?!!
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan in the audience. If you get a chance-watch those "Rescue Me' episodes featuring Fox this season. He is so good in that role.
Running short on time, so let me say just a couple of things and get this in the mail:
"Brothers Bloom"/"Adoration"/others you and I have mentioned. Big stars, big directors, bad films. Why does this happen so often.
Finally, you mentioned your breast-reduction surgery. I don't' know if your wedding photo was before or after-but as I said earlier, every part of you look absolutely lovely.... Was that a difficult decision to make? It is well-known in surgical circles that breast reduction surgery is a much more difficult operation than breast augmentation. Talk to me. I'm sure you went through a lot both before & after... I would say more, but don't want to make you uncomfortable...
Speaking of which, my letter over the weekend will talk about memory & memory palace--as well as the "night dance" & "Scout". I'm sure no matter what I say, it will make you uncomfortable...I hope I can change that, KK...completely.]
And your additional "questions" of course! Your questions how amazing insight & intensity; now if you an realize I have the same attitude in wanting to know so much more about you, and OMG! do I dare dream of such insight & intensity directed towards other parts of life & the human experience?
Be good, be calm [Ohmmmmm....], and know I'll be thinking of you often.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. There is a radio station (on the TV) that plays Alt Rock/Grunge/Industrial Rock including Nirvana.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Whitaker, #7
Dear Kelly,
Well, I am going to make an attempt at writing a semi-coherent letter, but no promises. In case you haven't seen the update on mb6 (www.minutesbeforesix.com), they took me to the hospital for two weeks, and I had my surgery on the 5th. I'm still a little out of it, and very tired, but I stopped taking the Tylenol 3s because I hate feeling like a zombie. My head is just starting to clear a bit. Hard to tell at this point whether the operation was a success, but I have high hopes. I knew immediately the last time that something was wrong, and I don't get that feeling this time around, so that is good. Damn, I hate hunting and pecking with one hand...annoying. [Ed.: He typically hand writes his letters, but I assume since he can't use his arm, they have allowed him the use of a typewriter.] Thankfully, they managed to get me most of my mail from my absence, so I have plenty to do this weekend. Actually, I'm not even touching about 95% of this shit. I've really been cutting back on my correspondence, but you would be amazed at how much fluff still exists in my life. How do we attract so much unnecessary clutter? How did your Memorial Day weekend deal go? End up drinking that whole bottle yourself? Hah, you asked about hooch. No, they don't sell alcohol here. But you can make it. Sugar+yeast-alcohol and C02. There are many formulas for this, some better than others, mine better than most. Obviously, if they catch you, you get a case and go to F-Pod. Of course, if some clever person were to find a poor drunkard to hold the fermenting brew in reward for a few bottles free of charge, then there wouldn't be any risk, would there? :-) Take about a week to brew, if you do it right and make the "kicker" correctly, which is usually fermenting fruit. Tastes like all the foulness in the world, but it gets the job done quite well. I was in a Unit called Limestone once, where the guards sold bottles of Jack Daniels for 75 dollars, which was interesting. I didn't have the cash, but it was fun to see. Of course, most drugs are available, should one desire, but I made a decision not to do that shite anymore years ago. You would be amazed what sounds sensible on Meth.
So, Texas scares you some? Me too. I hate this fucking state. Austin is cool, I guess. And no, I try to stay way from the whole Texas drawl thing, which requires constant vigilance. You never realize just how much the speech patterns of others affect you, until you are really paying attention not to mimic them. As far as the visitation thing goes, I would be honored to meet you, should you ever come South. Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than all that. I have a list which is ten slots long. I can alter this list every six months. It is a bit of a juggling act, keeping certain people on there, and so forth, but I can manage. The major thing is, I would need to know well in advance about your trip, maybe even as far as six months ahead of time, in order to get it all set up. Being that you are from more than 400 miles away, there exits the options for a "special visit", which is longer in length and also for additional days, if such is desired. We can talk more about this, if you want. I've never had a lot of luck with out of town visits, but I'm ever an optimist. (wretches)
Haha, so you'd sell my lovesick letters on Ebay, huh? Bitch! Would be pretty fun, though, especially if I went into all sorts of fucked up fantasies with clowns and howler monkeys and the like. Hell, we could probably make some real cash... Maybe one day, if I ever get desperate.
My favorite words...hm...you know, I don't really know. They are just sort of tools for me. Let's see...I like the word chem-iluminescens...fun to say and I sort of think this is what we humans are...emitting light in chemical reactions with each other in a sea of darkness. Its been years since I've seen a Scrabble dictionary, but remember it being jam-packed with words I didn't know. Thanks for looking up all that stuff for me. The New Yorker is cheaper than I thought. I think I will get a subscription later this year, when something else ends. Seems like there is lots of good stuff in there. I'm also thinking about changing my newspaper. I get the USA today, but so many people get that here I could just borrow from them. Maybe a weekend subscription to the NY Times. I saw they had an ad for a weekend version for like $5.20 a week, or something. Think that would be worth it. The Sunday edition is good, right? Prison Legal News is a decent publication, with lots of data on case law for jailhouse lawyers. Sort of stripped down on legal theory, but heavy on application. Smithsonian is hit or miss. I don't think I will do that one again. I guess magazines are simply a way to stay connected in some way to the world. You tend to feel like you aren't a part of it any more, living here. I'm afraid I've never quite gotten over my Marxist leanings, so I thin I'm going to get a European publication called the "New Left", also. I've got a budget that I adhere to rather strenuously, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself., but I do tend to play way out in advance.
no, I haven't met my Dad's new wife yet. I can edit my list in July, and I will add her to it. They are now in Aspen until September, so I guess I will see her when I see her. Everybody says she is nice, which usually mean I am going to dislike such a person immediately, but maybe this time will be different. She is good for my Dad, and that is all that matters. Sorry for all the errors...I'm out of correctable type ribbons. You would think that hunting and pecking would produce a cleaner letter, but you would be wrong. I guess I'm still a little fuzzy upstairs.
That is quite a story you told me about your youth. I hardly know where to begin, and I fear saying something which would be taken as patronizing. Quite frankly I am amazed at your strength. I knew, of course, that your childhood had been difficult, but I had no idea. I guess what I mean to say is that I am proud to know you, Kelly. Most people would have folded a long time ago, but you kept going. Gives me hope, because while my situation is nowhere close to yours, and deserved, I sometimes wonder if I have the fortitude to go on. I guess if you can make it, I have no excuse not to. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother now? What is your relationship like with her? I understand the feeling of not liking to write about the past. It's sort of walking barefoot down memory lane when someone has gone ahead of you breaking bottles all over the place. I understand that the past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it, but it is much more complicated than all that. I don't really know what I am, in terms of putting a name or title to my mental make-up. Obviously I don't feel close to "normal" (whatever the fuck that means) on a lot of issues. Nonetheless, I am trying to be a high-performing whatever-I-am, and this requires me to evaluate a lot of the past, so I can see where my errors come from. Does that make sense? sometimes I wonder if anything I say makes sense to people, or if they just nod and try to move the conversation along. The thing is, for all of my broken morality and weird ways, I'm mostly right about my opinion of the world. About all the illusions we live with, we choose. Its as if, once you see through the bullshit, through all the sophisms of being human, you can't go back, and society has no place for you. I lost control of myself and went nuts, but it was my actions and not my thoughts which were wrong. I was too young to understand what it all meant in a broader context. I feel we are a very, very broken species, half evolved and only barely logical at the best of times. We have invented all of this bullshit to try to distract us from the fact hat the night is long and full of things that do not care about us and I guess this was necessary, but we have lost sight of the fact that all of our myths were bullshit to begin with. We actually believe it now. Even if I were released tomorrow, I don't feel I have a place here anymore. I don't know what I would do. There are no more horizons to push for, at least until we get a handle on travelling to the stars, and I think that such a job is the only thing I am fit for. I would have enjoyed being in the company of Colonel Fawcett, or the like back when there were still portions of the map labeled "terra incognita". I think you get me a little on this, because you have mentioned this sort of nebulous hole in your life, something missing, and I think the root of this is the way we have chosen to design our society. What would you do, if you could do anything?
I get so damnably tired these days so easily. No energy at all. And my staples are itching like you wouldn't believe. I don't know how many there are, but at least 70. They took some bone from my left calf, and some more from my left hip, so I'm pretty worthless from now. I know chicks dig scars, but I think I've taken the theory to a rather ridiculous level. I just hope it was done right this time. I haven't been able to work out in two years, and I miss it. The chin-up bar mocks me :). Well, Kelly, I think I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just out of gas. I hope this finds you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon...Be safe.
T.
P.S. Great picture of you cut out from your business card. Hot, really. So...how you doin'? :)
Well, I am going to make an attempt at writing a semi-coherent letter, but no promises. In case you haven't seen the update on mb6 (www.minutesbeforesix.com), they took me to the hospital for two weeks, and I had my surgery on the 5th. I'm still a little out of it, and very tired, but I stopped taking the Tylenol 3s because I hate feeling like a zombie. My head is just starting to clear a bit. Hard to tell at this point whether the operation was a success, but I have high hopes. I knew immediately the last time that something was wrong, and I don't get that feeling this time around, so that is good. Damn, I hate hunting and pecking with one hand...annoying. [Ed.: He typically hand writes his letters, but I assume since he can't use his arm, they have allowed him the use of a typewriter.] Thankfully, they managed to get me most of my mail from my absence, so I have plenty to do this weekend. Actually, I'm not even touching about 95% of this shit. I've really been cutting back on my correspondence, but you would be amazed at how much fluff still exists in my life. How do we attract so much unnecessary clutter? How did your Memorial Day weekend deal go? End up drinking that whole bottle yourself? Hah, you asked about hooch. No, they don't sell alcohol here. But you can make it. Sugar+yeast-alcohol and C02. There are many formulas for this, some better than others, mine better than most. Obviously, if they catch you, you get a case and go to F-Pod. Of course, if some clever person were to find a poor drunkard to hold the fermenting brew in reward for a few bottles free of charge, then there wouldn't be any risk, would there? :-) Take about a week to brew, if you do it right and make the "kicker" correctly, which is usually fermenting fruit. Tastes like all the foulness in the world, but it gets the job done quite well. I was in a Unit called Limestone once, where the guards sold bottles of Jack Daniels for 75 dollars, which was interesting. I didn't have the cash, but it was fun to see. Of course, most drugs are available, should one desire, but I made a decision not to do that shite anymore years ago. You would be amazed what sounds sensible on Meth.
So, Texas scares you some? Me too. I hate this fucking state. Austin is cool, I guess. And no, I try to stay way from the whole Texas drawl thing, which requires constant vigilance. You never realize just how much the speech patterns of others affect you, until you are really paying attention not to mimic them. As far as the visitation thing goes, I would be honored to meet you, should you ever come South. Unfortunately, it is a little more complicated than all that. I have a list which is ten slots long. I can alter this list every six months. It is a bit of a juggling act, keeping certain people on there, and so forth, but I can manage. The major thing is, I would need to know well in advance about your trip, maybe even as far as six months ahead of time, in order to get it all set up. Being that you are from more than 400 miles away, there exits the options for a "special visit", which is longer in length and also for additional days, if such is desired. We can talk more about this, if you want. I've never had a lot of luck with out of town visits, but I'm ever an optimist. (wretches)
Haha, so you'd sell my lovesick letters on Ebay, huh? Bitch! Would be pretty fun, though, especially if I went into all sorts of fucked up fantasies with clowns and howler monkeys and the like. Hell, we could probably make some real cash...
My favorite words...hm...you know, I don't really know. They are just sort of tools for me. Let's see...I like the word chem-iluminescens...fun to say and I sort of think this is what we humans are...emitting light in chemical reactions with each other in a sea of darkness. Its been years since I've seen a Scrabble dictionary, but remember it being jam-packed with words I didn't know. Thanks for looking up all that stuff for me. The New Yorker is cheaper than I thought. I think I will get a subscription later this year, when something else ends. Seems like there is lots of good stuff in there. I'm also thinking about changing my newspaper. I get the USA today, but so many people get that here I could just borrow from them. Maybe a weekend subscription to the NY Times. I saw they had an ad for a weekend version for like $5.20 a week, or something. Think that would be worth it. The Sunday edition is good, right? Prison Legal News is a decent publication, with lots of data on case law for jailhouse lawyers. Sort of stripped down on legal theory, but heavy on application. Smithsonian is hit or miss. I don't think I will do that one again. I guess magazines are simply a way to stay connected in some way to the world. You tend to feel like you aren't a part of it any more, living here. I'm afraid I've never quite gotten over my Marxist leanings, so I thin I'm going to get a European publication called the "New Left", also. I've got a budget that I adhere to rather strenuously, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself., but I do tend to play way out in advance.
no, I haven't met my Dad's new wife yet. I can edit my list in July, and I will add her to it. They are now in Aspen until September, so I guess I will see her when I see her. Everybody says she is nice, which usually mean I am going to dislike such a person immediately, but maybe this time will be different. She is good for my Dad, and that is all that matters. Sorry for all the errors...I'm out of correctable type ribbons. You would think that hunting and pecking would produce a cleaner letter, but you would be wrong. I guess I'm still a little fuzzy upstairs.
That is quite a story you told me about your youth. I hardly know where to begin, and I fear saying something which would be taken as patronizing. Quite frankly I am amazed at your strength. I knew, of course, that your childhood had been difficult, but I had no idea. I guess what I mean to say is that I am proud to know you, Kelly. Most people would have folded a long time ago, but you kept going. Gives me hope, because while my situation is nowhere close to yours, and deserved, I sometimes wonder if I have the fortitude to go on. I guess if you can make it, I have no excuse not to. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother now? What is your relationship like with her? I understand the feeling of not liking to write about the past. It's sort of walking barefoot down memory lane when someone has gone ahead of you breaking bottles all over the place. I understand that the past is the past, and it can only hurt you if you allow it, but it is much more complicated than all that. I don't really know what I am, in terms of putting a name or title to my mental make-up. Obviously I don't feel close to "normal" (whatever the fuck that means) on a lot of issues. Nonetheless, I am trying to be a high-performing whatever-I-am, and this requires me to evaluate a lot of the past, so I can see where my errors come from. Does that make sense? sometimes I wonder if anything I say makes sense to people, or if they just nod and try to move the conversation along. The thing is, for all of my broken morality and weird ways, I'm mostly right about my opinion of the world. About all the illusions we live with, we choose. Its as if, once you see through the bullshit, through all the sophisms of being human, you can't go back, and society has no place for you. I lost control of myself and went nuts, but it was my actions and not my thoughts which were wrong. I was too young to understand what it all meant in a broader context. I feel we are a very, very broken species, half evolved and only barely logical at the best of times. We have invented all of this bullshit to try to distract us from the fact hat the night is long and full of things that do not care about us and I guess this was necessary, but we have lost sight of the fact that all of our myths were bullshit to begin with. We actually believe it now. Even if I were released tomorrow, I don't feel I have a place here anymore. I don't know what I would do. There are no more horizons to push for, at least until we get a handle on travelling to the stars, and I think that such a job is the only thing I am fit for. I would have enjoyed being in the company of Colonel Fawcett, or the like back when there were still portions of the map labeled "terra incognita". I think you get me a little on this, because you have mentioned this sort of nebulous hole in your life, something missing, and I think the root of this is the way we have chosen to design our society. What would you do, if you could do anything?
I get so damnably tired these days so easily. No energy at all. And my staples are itching like you wouldn't believe. I don't know how many there are, but at least 70. They took some bone from my left calf, and some more from my left hip, so I'm pretty worthless from now. I know chicks dig scars, but I think I've taken the theory to a rather ridiculous level. I just hope it was done right this time. I haven't been able to work out in two years, and I miss it. The chin-up bar mocks me :). Well, Kelly, I think I'm going to hit the sack. I'm just out of gas. I hope this finds you well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon...Be safe.
T.
P.S. Great picture of you cut out from your business card. Hot, really. So...how you doin'? :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #30
Dear KK---
Hi sunshine! Although I don't think that applied to the previous Sunday when you took your god-daughter to the Central Park Zoo. You sounded tired on an "alas...just a simple Sunday." Maybe a little down, too, but hard to tell. Then again, I could say something like: That Kelly K is sooo hot, that even the goats are hitting on her! Munch, munch!
Although your letter was relatively brief, you added a trio of fascinating and entertaining KK blogs/essays. Really good. And I will again say: your other book ideas withstanding, your essays & blogs are perfect for a truly entertaining book. For am even darker touch, you can throw in some of my experiences over the years!
[Ed.: I usually don't editorialize, but not only has he given permission to post his letters on my blog, but now he appears to be encouraging me to write about him.]
To you letter:
For someone who hates crowds, I can't imagine that the Central Park Zoo on a lovely spring day is exactly conducive to your mental well-being. Yikes! So you're a godmother--another interesting part of you revealed. How old is our god-daughter? Very sweet. Her parents must be very good friends.
[As with almost every subject under the sun-I am reminded of the "Seinfeld" episode about the Bris. One of their best.]
To be honest, I don't know how anyone is able to keep up with even a fraction of the numerous TV shows & series. Even with TiVo, etc., one still has to take the time to physically watch the taped episodes. No, I don't watch the Bachelorette, but these reality shows [Idol, Dancing, etc.] are amazingly popular.
So--please tell me how "IN TREATMENT" ended. You have definitely made me a fan, with its panoply of bizarre characters. Will there be a Season III? Sounds like the show is getting a lot of positive press.
Umm...wishing I was able to write some magic words or paint an arousing word picture to take your mind away! :) XO--to banish those "thoughts of doom"... a hot day you say.."finish this food and shower and lay in bed with the A/C.."
In one of your essays--you talked about "a nice boyfriend" to lay in bed with, win at scrabble with, and watch movies in the dead of winter while snow covers the city!
Both of the above mise-en-scenes remind me of extremely pleasant experiences of my own. You really are a romantic deep down---I like that. By the way, I'm pretty good at Scrabble...sorry, couldn't resist!
Cute but creepy card you sent just before that letter. I've probably seen way too many horror films--but the kids with the bags on their heads made me think of the adverts for that film "THE STRANGERS" last year, or one of the Diane Arbus odd photos.
[Ed.: This is odd because the card was very cute. The picture was of kids wearing funny masks and it was blank inside but from a children's foundation. Not creepy at all.]
In that cared you had a few questions: meal times are approximate & variable--roughly speaking 1615/1100/1700. I already mentioned the multiple classes. Unfortunately, no job--very few available in these unique circumstances.
I'm not at all surprised that we both sent articles on neuroscientific/psychological experiments. I'm learning more & more that you and I often think alike. The details of the "Stanford Prison Experiment" are simply incredible. I know you barely have time to breathe, let alone read--but that book by the psychologist with the "Z" name [Zambardo?--something like that] sounds well worth your time, and mine. I've not a chance to read it either.
Not sure if you're ready for any "equally probing questions" --much as I do want to know you inside & out; mind, body & "soul." Perhaps after I discuss some of those long conversations & questions I've had about men & women & relationships & sexuality/sensuality. But one think I do know--you & I are both complex people with complicated pasts (and presents!) with much to share...dear KK...
By the way, I noticed that W.A. Mozart card you enclosed with that picture card. More to say about music and memory in future letters. I want to know your gut & emotional reactions to certain songs & music. To know more about the deeper, darker? you...
Since you are already overwhelmed with too many shows & films & parties & not enough time--what better to send you than a preview of what sounds like a pretty good new Showtime series: "NURSE FALCO"--starring Edie Falco. Sent to me from the Times from my "medical" correspondent.
A great segue to stories of drug-addicted & drug-using nurses & doctors--I've seen a lot. Later, I promise, if you're interested.
Let me get this in the mail to you. Will talk about your blog/essays next time. [N.J. Rory & the preop-transsexual-just another day in the city...!] You take care of yourself---some TLC & warm baths. Thinking of you, KK
Yours,
Michael
Hi sunshine! Although I don't think that applied to the previous Sunday when you took your god-daughter to the Central Park Zoo. You sounded tired on an "alas...just a simple Sunday." Maybe a little down, too, but hard to tell. Then again, I could say something like: That Kelly K is sooo hot, that even the goats are hitting on her! Munch, munch!
Although your letter was relatively brief, you added a trio of fascinating and entertaining KK blogs/essays. Really good. And I will again say: your other book ideas withstanding, your essays & blogs are perfect for a truly entertaining book. For am even darker touch, you can throw in some of my experiences over the years!
[Ed.: I usually don't editorialize, but not only has he given permission to post his letters on my blog, but now he appears to be encouraging me to write about him.]
To you letter:
For someone who hates crowds, I can't imagine that the Central Park Zoo on a lovely spring day is exactly conducive to your mental well-being. Yikes! So you're a godmother--another interesting part of you revealed. How old is our god-daughter? Very sweet. Her parents must be very good friends.
[As with almost every subject under the sun-I am reminded of the "Seinfeld" episode about the Bris. One of their best.]
To be honest, I don't know how anyone is able to keep up with even a fraction of the numerous TV shows & series. Even with TiVo, etc., one still has to take the time to physically watch the taped episodes. No, I don't watch the Bachelorette, but these reality shows [Idol, Dancing, etc.] are amazingly popular.
So--please tell me how "IN TREATMENT" ended. You have definitely made me a fan, with its panoply of bizarre characters. Will there be a Season III? Sounds like the show is getting a lot of positive press.
Umm...wishing I was able to write some magic words or paint an arousing word picture to take your mind away! :) XO--to banish those "thoughts of doom"... a hot day you say.."finish this food and shower and lay in bed with the A/C.."
In one of your essays--you talked about "a nice boyfriend" to lay in bed with, win at scrabble with, and watch movies in the dead of winter while snow covers the city!
Both of the above mise-en-scenes remind me of extremely pleasant experiences of my own. You really are a romantic deep down---I like that. By the way, I'm pretty good at Scrabble...sorry, couldn't resist!
Cute but creepy card you sent just before that letter. I've probably seen way too many horror films--but the kids with the bags on their heads made me think of the adverts for that film "THE STRANGERS" last year, or one of the Diane Arbus odd photos.
[Ed.: This is odd because the card was very cute. The picture was of kids wearing funny masks and it was blank inside but from a children's foundation. Not creepy at all.]
In that cared you had a few questions: meal times are approximate & variable--roughly speaking 1615/1100/1700. I already mentioned the multiple classes. Unfortunately, no job--very few available in these unique circumstances.
I'm not at all surprised that we both sent articles on neuroscientific/psychological experiments. I'm learning more & more that you and I often think alike. The details of the "Stanford Prison Experiment" are simply incredible. I know you barely have time to breathe, let alone read--but that book by the psychologist with the "Z" name [Zambardo?--something like that] sounds well worth your time, and mine. I've not a chance to read it either.
Not sure if you're ready for any "equally probing questions" --much as I do want to know you inside & out; mind, body & "soul." Perhaps after I discuss some of those long conversations & questions I've had about men & women & relationships & sexuality/sensuality. But one think I do know--you & I are both complex people with complicated pasts (and presents!) with much to share...dear KK...
By the way, I noticed that W.A. Mozart card you enclosed with that picture card. More to say about music and memory in future letters. I want to know your gut & emotional reactions to certain songs & music. To know more about the deeper, darker? you...
Since you are already overwhelmed with too many shows & films & parties & not enough time--what better to send you than a preview of what sounds like a pretty good new Showtime series: "NURSE FALCO"--starring Edie Falco. Sent to me from the Times from my "medical" correspondent.
A great segue to stories of drug-addicted & drug-using nurses & doctors--I've seen a lot. Later, I promise, if you're interested.
Let me get this in the mail to you. Will talk about your blog/essays next time. [N.J. Rory & the preop-transsexual-just another day in the city...!] You take care of yourself---some TLC & warm baths. Thinking of you, KK
Yours,
Michael
Monday, June 15, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #29
Dear KK--
Beginning this letter late on Monday so it will undoubtedly extend into Tuesday. Fascinating short story by Kurt Vonnegut. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind! I guess persistence paid off in the end...though one wonders what became of the couple a few years later.
Before returning to your letters, must comment on the other most interesting items you've sent recently: "KK and non-KK":
Dating in the Age of Spanx: Definitely an "ick" factor here for all readers! Great line about "our grandmothers": "They were married young and were less promiscuous than we are in our older years." Really? Imagine that!
And as always, Kelly, you educate the reader. Pregnancy Spanx/Spanx porn? I love your imagination and inventiveness.
Ah yes, that iconic Seinfeld episode. My favorite part is when Kramer and Mr. Costanza are having that discussion with Sid Farkas, the bra salesman. "Summer Nights!" Classic.
And the David Sedaris story about his perceived missed opportunity on a middle eastern train. Not at all what I expected when the story began. Sedaris is an excellent writer. By the way, is he by any chance related to the wacky but talented actress, Amy Sedaris?
Now back to your letters: What's this, more questions?!:)
You asked about that intriguing puzzle posted by the "LOST" episode THE CONSTANT. If several persons has been "there" in all time periods (as with Desmond) then the answer would be a profound yes. Perhaps we an discuss that in more detail at another time. The real question is, what makes a person a "constant?"
to expand a bit on the two comments at the end of my previous letter:
>Again, I find it remarkable that anyone even knows the name or the "case"! Again--a lifetime ago in our popular hi-speed, internet-driven culture. Be that as it may it is unavoidable that any opinions or attitudes will be shaped by the sensationalistic news coverage & "net facts" from 8-9 years ago. People have no idea that life goes on--often very fully and that time and solitude can change many things.
>I think I answered your other question about the EMTs. and by the way, I don't think your questions are "retarded"--actually they are extremely insightful. I could definitely see you as a counselor or a therapist/say a LCSW with her own practice. And don't tell me you couldn't do it. I know better.
Finally, in your letter you touched on one of the great gulfs that divide men & women--the fact that women bear children. It is something that is so obvious that we rarely think about it. I have always been very interested in women's attitudes & viewpoints on having a child--and have made it a point to discuss it with quite a few; much as we discuss [yes, in loving and intimate circumstances] how men & women react and respond within relationships and sexually/sensually. again--I thin most men & women take these things for granted and never explore the rich nuances & much more. There is so much to discuss here & when you feel comfortable doing so.
***
It took less than 24 hours for the byline "LOST" to be applied to the vanishing & crash of the Air France flight over the Atlantic. An unbelievable tragedy whose cause may never be known.
The local paper here reprinted part of a long article from the NY Times about your show "IN TREATMENT". It focused on the actress Allison Pill and the writer Sarah Treem. Interesting exploration of the creative process on that show. Apparently Ms. Pill had a role in the film, "MILK."
The paper also mentioned a promising clinical trial on a new migraine treatment: LEVADEX- a new orally inhaled version of dihydroergotamine, which is currently given intravenously. Just wanted to mention it. Seeing the story made me think of you, of course...
As always seems to be the case, I could write more but want to get this in the mail. I'm sure my next letter will be coming very soon.
So good to talk to you and hope to hear from you again (and again!)very soon. Want to know everything going on in that beautiful mind. Take care & stay safe, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Beginning this letter late on Monday so it will undoubtedly extend into Tuesday. Fascinating short story by Kurt Vonnegut. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind! I guess persistence paid off in the end...though one wonders what became of the couple a few years later.
Before returning to your letters, must comment on the other most interesting items you've sent recently: "KK and non-KK":
Dating in the Age of Spanx: Definitely an "ick" factor here for all readers! Great line about "our grandmothers": "They were married young and were less promiscuous than we are in our older years." Really? Imagine that!
And as always, Kelly, you educate the reader. Pregnancy Spanx/Spanx porn? I love your imagination and inventiveness.
Ah yes, that iconic Seinfeld episode. My favorite part is when Kramer and Mr. Costanza are having that discussion with Sid Farkas, the bra salesman. "Summer Nights!" Classic.
And the David Sedaris story about his perceived missed opportunity on a middle eastern train. Not at all what I expected when the story began. Sedaris is an excellent writer. By the way, is he by any chance related to the wacky but talented actress, Amy Sedaris?
Now back to your letters: What's this, more questions?!:)
You asked about that intriguing puzzle posted by the "LOST" episode THE CONSTANT. If several persons has been "there" in all time periods (as with Desmond) then the answer would be a profound yes. Perhaps we an discuss that in more detail at another time. The real question is, what makes a person a "constant?"
to expand a bit on the two comments at the end of my previous letter:
>Again, I find it remarkable that anyone even knows the name or the "case"! Again--a lifetime ago in our popular hi-speed, internet-driven culture. Be that as it may it is unavoidable that any opinions or attitudes will be shaped by the sensationalistic news coverage & "net facts" from 8-9 years ago. People have no idea that life goes on--often very fully and that time and solitude can change many things.
>I think I answered your other question about the EMTs. and by the way, I don't think your questions are "retarded"--actually they are extremely insightful. I could definitely see you as a counselor or a therapist/say a LCSW with her own practice. And don't tell me you couldn't do it. I know better.
Finally, in your letter you touched on one of the great gulfs that divide men & women--the fact that women bear children. It is something that is so obvious that we rarely think about it. I have always been very interested in women's attitudes & viewpoints on having a child--and have made it a point to discuss it with quite a few; much as we discuss [yes, in loving and intimate circumstances] how men & women react and respond within relationships and sexually/sensually. again--I thin most men & women take these things for granted and never explore the rich nuances & much more. There is so much to discuss here & when you feel comfortable doing so.
***
It took less than 24 hours for the byline "LOST" to be applied to the vanishing & crash of the Air France flight over the Atlantic. An unbelievable tragedy whose cause may never be known.
The local paper here reprinted part of a long article from the NY Times about your show "IN TREATMENT". It focused on the actress Allison Pill and the writer Sarah Treem. Interesting exploration of the creative process on that show. Apparently Ms. Pill had a role in the film, "MILK."
The paper also mentioned a promising clinical trial on a new migraine treatment: LEVADEX- a new orally inhaled version of dihydroergotamine, which is currently given intravenously. Just wanted to mention it. Seeing the story made me think of you, of course...
As always seems to be the case, I could write more but want to get this in the mail. I'm sure my next letter will be coming very soon.
So good to talk to you and hope to hear from you again (and again!)very soon. Want to know everything going on in that beautiful mind. Take care & stay safe, KK.
Yours,
Michael
