Dear Kelly,
Hi my friend! How are you? It was great to hear from you as usual. Thanks for the article about Mini and the articles you wrote. I enjoyed them all. Your a comical author. I like your personality a lot.
I have been battling a severe depression and I've been cutting more lately. I'm asking for help but they just seem to don't care. I get 30 minutes of therapy every 3 months. What is that?! I take Wellbutrin and Neurontin. I am waiting to see the psychiatrist now. I think I'll see her next month. I believe my medication is some of the problem.
Are you doing well? I hope you're doing better than I am. Life is just one big cruel joke at times! I wish I had more willingness in me to want to live.
I saw my mom & grandma Sunday and it was an okay visit. To be honest, I felt liek they really didn't want to be there but came anyway out of obligation. Sometimes there are days like that.
Summer is upon us. It gets very hot & humid here. I miss the beach and swimming pools. There's not much here to occupy our minds. They need to have more theraputic things for us. I really wish they would have a dog program. Animals are such great therapy. My most favorite are labs. I think I told you already.
I'm now tutoring English instead of math. I needed a change since they were adamant about me teaching. I had gotten bored with math plus my mental state prevented me from doing my best. I felt I was doing the sutdents more harm than good.
I watched my first Harry Potter movie the other night. I enjoyed it--it was very different. I'm also reading my first fantasy novel. Just trying to make some changes and think outside the box, you know?
Not much else. I look forward to you letters as they always put a smile on my face. You're a great person and I'm glad to have met you. Take care and be blessed.
Hugs,
Susan
Monday, May 25, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #24
Dear KK---
Much to get to from your most interesting letters and much-appreciated reading material. No doubt this will be "Part One."
You and I are in total agreement on more personal letter; or as you put it so well: "serious and soul-searching letters." They should and do take longer to write... Before leaving the serious [will return, I promise :)] for more prosaic topics, allow me to make an analogy based on my own years or personal relationships AND (most important) talking to many, many women and men--deliberately--about relationships and intimacy. Never easy, but and well worth the time.
I may have mentioned this several weeks ago: Most men and fewer but still many women can go most of their lives without the courage (or lack of fear...) to be willing to open themselves up to someone else--emotionally, sexually & sensually [not the same thing as I somehow believe you know]. The way we live in late 20th & early 21st Century America puts so many obstacles in our way---many of them self-imposed. In one of your recent letters, you mentioned the word "sociopath" and its clinical definition, etc. I was very lucky, early in my 20s, to meet two women who helped me to learn to fully realize that potential for emotional intimacy. Hence my comment to you that 90% of sex & sensuality is in the mind... and I carried those "lessons" on, and continue to do so. This helps to explain two things, both of which, you have asked in questions:
1) I've already told you that without question I used to exhibit & act on some traits of the "sociopath" as you & I understand the definition. But in other ways, especially my attitude toward intimacy & relationships the definition in no way applies. Complicated, I know.
2) These are a lot of reasons why I have been able to deal with current situation and, as you again put so well: "mentally adapt." One of them is the clear knowledge that I was able to appreciate & totally experience all the above. Trust me, I am very thankful for that. Very lucky, as well.
Again, I promise to "expand" all the above--but your observations on "time" are so true. The above took over 45 minutes to write! Plus I know that my ultra-curious & questioning [love both those traits about you...] correspondent will ask more questions, etc., etc. !
Actually, one more serious comment: Thank you for sharing with me that you suffer at times from clinical depression; and that you "understand, so well, that 'What happens next?' question :-) I believe most people do not understand; and I believe that many people (men and woman) suffer from depression (mild or serious) and don't realize it. Do any of the serotonin--uptake inhibitors help you? (Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paxil, etc.?)
Hope we can talk about this much more. So glad you seem to battle it so well.
***
So--an entire website devoted to words people like and the reason why?! Fantastic! I know I have several---believe I mentioned either "INCANDESCENT" or "IRIDESCENCE"...also two Anglophilic word: "FACTOTUM" and "MAJOR-DOMO" and for some reason: "GLEAN"/Your word "FURTIVE" definitely has a certain "ring" and "feel" to it.
I certainly hope that at some point "IN TREATMENT" will come to basic cable. You have totally sold me on the very compelling storylines, all of which seems to be very intense & emotional. I can understand how a whole hour of these wrenching personal/emotional battles& therapy session can make the viewer feel uneasy or tense. Do keep me posted! [do you recall the "Sopranos" storyline in which Annabella Sciorra played another patient of Dr. Melfi's who end up having an affair with Tony...then they break up & she threatens him...and later she commits suicide. Powerful stuff.]
Your comments about New York City are most illuminative & enlightening. I did seem that the Giuliani years turned New York into more vanilla & "homogenized Disneyfied" city. Mind you--still a FAR more diverse & fascinating city than any other in these United States. But as you point out, it is precisely that enormous, teeming, conflict-filled, slightly or somewhat dangerous atmosphere that makes New York what it is: that "petri dish from which true art grows." And I can totally appreciate the fine line you must draw as a denizen of the City---safety but with an "edge"...
[Not the same things---but I can recall my visit Kinshasa (D.R. Congo): this enormous, teeming city---dirt-poor, filthy, dangerous, so crowded, but filled with so much life & vitality...]
Turning to your second letter--your card with the "Autobiography of J.G.B." enclosed: Thanks for the details on "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single." Sounds like Mr. Schaeffer has a good thing going with Showtime. Perhaps at some point another black comedy like "Starved" will come along.
Speaking of FX: Do you watch "Rescue Me"? I only mention it because it is still another television show taking place in New York. Is every cop in New York on a TV Show?!! Let's see---you've got the three Law & Orders, CSI: NY, The Unusual, countless others, past & present. After an 18 month hiatus due to the writers strike in 7-08--it recently began its Fifth Season. It deals with some pretty intense stuff addition, 9/11 (good, bad & ugly), child death, revenge murder, & some amazingly twisted & bizarre relationships, even by FX standards. But the writing is very good, very funny, & very dark. To be honest, most police, fire, etc. shows leave me cold---but "R.M." is about the FDNY only peripherally.
That trip to Alaska sounds great. Actually, it sounds like they could keep the cruise ship docked in Seattle and everyone would still have a pretty good time. Thirteen restaurants, casino, rock-climbing...Wow!
Yeah---I follow this economic downturn/recession very closely. The events of late September 08 will go down as a pivotal moment in World economic history. I'm genuinely sorry about your loss of clients/real-estate and related areas like yours seem to have taken the biggest hit. I don't know if New York has been hit as hard as S. California or S. Fla---but it can't be good. Good luck/I know you of all people will hang tough. Hope I can help relieve stress...
I need to get this in the mail, but must mention one other "serious" topic before closing. As you hopefully understand from the letters that followed--there are things I simply cannot discuss. It's not up to me. Details of certain incidents and chemical/toxicological information are among those topics. But you can know me almost completely from what happened before and after that time, as well as all the things & people & relationships & places that happened during... As you can probably tell by now, I have some strong & passionate feelings on a wide range of things, including my attempted insight into why certain things happened--or did not happen. I do want to delve into personal & private things & emotions & situations--trust me, we have (some!) and will. And all these things about you truly interest & intrigue me as well, KK. Ummmm... as mentioned before, I want to know you inside and out, and will let you inside me as well...
Must get this in the mail. At least one more letter to finish--comments on your articles and BLOG pages. Plus I know more questions and scintillating--another great word: "SCINTILLATING"--comments on the way!
You take care and stay safe in your deteriorating city. Be thinking of you, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Much to get to from your most interesting letters and much-appreciated reading material. No doubt this will be "Part One."
You and I are in total agreement on more personal letter; or as you put it so well: "serious and soul-searching letters." They should and do take longer to write... Before leaving the serious [will return, I promise :)] for more prosaic topics, allow me to make an analogy based on my own years or personal relationships AND (most important) talking to many, many women and men--deliberately--about relationships and intimacy. Never easy, but and well worth the time.
I may have mentioned this several weeks ago: Most men and fewer but still many women can go most of their lives without the courage (or lack of fear...) to be willing to open themselves up to someone else--emotionally, sexually & sensually [not the same thing as I somehow believe you know]. The way we live in late 20th & early 21st Century America puts so many obstacles in our way---many of them self-imposed. In one of your recent letters, you mentioned the word "sociopath" and its clinical definition, etc. I was very lucky, early in my 20s, to meet two women who helped me to learn to fully realize that potential for emotional intimacy. Hence my comment to you that 90% of sex & sensuality is in the mind... and I carried those "lessons" on, and continue to do so. This helps to explain two things, both of which, you have asked in questions:
1) I've already told you that without question I used to exhibit & act on some traits of the "sociopath" as you & I understand the definition. But in other ways, especially my attitude toward intimacy & relationships the definition in no way applies. Complicated, I know.
2) These are a lot of reasons why I have been able to deal with current situation and, as you again put so well: "mentally adapt." One of them is the clear knowledge that I was able to appreciate & totally experience all the above. Trust me, I am very thankful for that. Very lucky, as well.
Again, I promise to "expand" all the above--but your observations on "time" are so true. The above took over 45 minutes to write! Plus I know that my ultra-curious & questioning [love both those traits about you...] correspondent will ask more questions, etc., etc. !
Actually, one more serious comment: Thank you for sharing with me that you suffer at times from clinical depression; and that you "understand, so well, that 'What happens next?' question :-) I believe most people do not understand; and I believe that many people (men and woman) suffer from depression (mild or serious) and don't realize it. Do any of the serotonin--uptake inhibitors help you? (Fluoxetine (Prozac), Paxil, etc.?)
Hope we can talk about this much more. So glad you seem to battle it so well.
***
So--an entire website devoted to words people like and the reason why?! Fantastic! I know I have several---believe I mentioned either "INCANDESCENT" or "IRIDESCENCE"...also two Anglophilic word: "FACTOTUM" and "MAJOR-DOMO" and for some reason: "GLEAN"/Your word "FURTIVE" definitely has a certain "ring" and "feel" to it.
I certainly hope that at some point "IN TREATMENT" will come to basic cable. You have totally sold me on the very compelling storylines, all of which seems to be very intense & emotional. I can understand how a whole hour of these wrenching personal/emotional battles& therapy session can make the viewer feel uneasy or tense. Do keep me posted! [do you recall the "Sopranos" storyline in which Annabella Sciorra played another patient of Dr. Melfi's who end up having an affair with Tony...then they break up & she threatens him...and later she commits suicide. Powerful stuff.]
Your comments about New York City are most illuminative & enlightening. I did seem that the Giuliani years turned New York into more vanilla & "homogenized Disneyfied" city. Mind you--still a FAR more diverse & fascinating city than any other in these United States. But as you point out, it is precisely that enormous, teeming, conflict-filled, slightly or somewhat dangerous atmosphere that makes New York what it is: that "petri dish from which true art grows." And I can totally appreciate the fine line you must draw as a denizen of the City---safety but with an "edge"...
[Not the same things---but I can recall my visit Kinshasa (D.R. Congo): this enormous, teeming city---dirt-poor, filthy, dangerous, so crowded, but filled with so much life & vitality...]
Turning to your second letter--your card with the "Autobiography of J.G.B." enclosed: Thanks for the details on "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single." Sounds like Mr. Schaeffer has a good thing going with Showtime. Perhaps at some point another black comedy like "Starved" will come along.
Speaking of FX: Do you watch "Rescue Me"? I only mention it because it is still another television show taking place in New York. Is every cop in New York on a TV Show?!! Let's see---you've got the three Law & Orders, CSI: NY, The Unusual, countless others, past & present. After an 18 month hiatus due to the writers strike in 7-08--it recently began its Fifth Season. It deals with some pretty intense stuff addition, 9/11 (good, bad & ugly), child death, revenge murder, & some amazingly twisted & bizarre relationships, even by FX standards. But the writing is very good, very funny, & very dark. To be honest, most police, fire, etc. shows leave me cold---but "R.M." is about the FDNY only peripherally.
That trip to Alaska sounds great. Actually, it sounds like they could keep the cruise ship docked in Seattle and everyone would still have a pretty good time. Thirteen restaurants, casino, rock-climbing...Wow!
Yeah---I follow this economic downturn/recession very closely. The events of late September 08 will go down as a pivotal moment in World economic history. I'm genuinely sorry about your loss of clients/real-estate and related areas like yours seem to have taken the biggest hit. I don't know if New York has been hit as hard as S. California or S. Fla---but it can't be good. Good luck/I know you of all people will hang tough. Hope I can help relieve stress...
I need to get this in the mail, but must mention one other "serious" topic before closing. As you hopefully understand from the letters that followed--there are things I simply cannot discuss. It's not up to me. Details of certain incidents and chemical/toxicological information are among those topics. But you can know me almost completely from what happened before and after that time, as well as all the things & people & relationships & places that happened during... As you can probably tell by now, I have some strong & passionate feelings on a wide range of things, including my attempted insight into why certain things happened--or did not happen. I do want to delve into personal & private things & emotions & situations--trust me, we have (some!) and will. And all these things about you truly interest & intrigue me as well, KK. Ummmm... as mentioned before, I want to know you inside and out, and will let you inside me as well...
Must get this in the mail. At least one more letter to finish--comments on your articles and BLOG pages. Plus I know more questions and scintillating--another great word: "SCINTILLATING"--comments on the way!
You take care and stay safe in your deteriorating city. Be thinking of you, KK.
Yours,
Michael
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #6
Dear Kelly,
A big howdy, or yeehaw (or whatever these yahoos say to each other at the local hoot-in-nannie) from secessionist Texas. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this fucking state? In case I was remiss: I hate this fucking state. There. I wish that had been cathartic, but, alas, I very much doubt my anger is so easily dispelled. I kind of figured you, of all people, would understand my occasional bouts with antisocial thoughts, and how that would apply to my attempt to write. Writing is like...the selective redefining of reality, and not a thing to be attempted whilst feeling as empty as Rick Perry's very attractively coiffed head. It makes me feel comforted to know that you sometimes feel as if you have phone in a blog, from time to time. I feel like that a lot. Especially lately. Dostoevsky said something about suffering being the sole origin of consciousness, and Proust, that happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the mind. I am just barely smart enough to know they are right, but easily weak enough to wish otherwise. When I am happy, I don't write; sad, I can't write. Only when I can stand on the razor's edge between the two do I pick up a pen. It would be condescending of me to pretend I see inside your head or understand your life after just a handful of letters, but I feel as if you will get me or this. Kelly, do me a favor. You wrote in your last letter that "(I) am more interesting than (you) are...I'm just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing." Don't do that. Don't minimize yourself like that. I don't write average people; I'm sort of a snob like that. I like who you are as a human being, and nobody is really "ordinary" anyways. Sometimes you say something and I know there is an excellent story behind it, and I hope one day you feel comfortable enough with me to share. After saying that, I should probably reassure you that I meant all of that in a pretty platonic sense. You will not be getting any creepy love-sick missives from Texas DR, I promise. That is not to say that I may not toss out some Hannibal-Lector-esque-Clarisse-fava-beans-type comments, but I hope you know that I am only joking around. My sense of humor really doesn't seem to translate all that well to paper, sometimes. Anyways, what I mean is: You are not some whiny hag to me. So few people today seem to realize how beautiful they are. It's tragic.
My big news of the week: I finally got fed up with my Websters dictionary and its puny 75,000 words, which never served to have anything I needed, and splurged on an Oxford American. 250,000+ beautiful, well-explained words. I've been tossing shite at it all day, and only once has it failed me: apophenia. I'm pretty pleased. Even had otaku in there. Question for you. I have a Rogets "Collegiate" Thesaurus. Absolutely worthless, for the same reason that Websters was. Is there a better thesaurus out there? Something which will have more advanced words? If google can come up with an answer, can you print me the results (with price, if possible). Danke. I really enjoyed the New Yorker piece you sent me. "It means that I'm taller than you, and smarter, an that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate." Ha ha, classic. What does a subscription to the New Yorker cost a year? Its a weekly zine, right? I get Newsweek, Prison Legal News, London Review of Books, Discover, and Smithsonian currently. All but LRB I got off a discount site, where I pay like 20% of the cover price. Not bad, really. By the way, I would definitely be interested in the New York Press info, if you can send it to me. The writing contest I was thinking about entering was for brits only, it turns out. I will find another, though. I will certainly send you a copy of whatever final product I churn out.
Have fun in Alaska! Try not to get eaten by a bear or shot by Governor Palin because she thought you were a bear. Take me a photo or two. Speaking of photos, you looked very pretty and happy in your wedding photo. Was the smile genuine? Its hard to tell if your eyes are mirroring your mouth in this one. Forgive me if that is too personal a question.
How did the play go and the Bobbi Brown cocktail party go? And your Bday? I had a bottle (three actually) of hooch in your honor. Well, I was going to drink them anyways, but it made me feel better to pretend there was a festive reason for fucking off a few million brain cells.
I think I have found a way to complete my BA or BS from here. Its taken me a long bloody time, but I think I have it. As soon as my Dad gets back from Greece. I will give it a shot. Wish me luck.
Well, I'm off. About to be rec time. I hope this find you well. Take care on the trip and send me a few photos! Until next time,
T
P.S. A few updates I left off: I've supposedly been given a new operation date in July.
Didn't really want to talk about 20/20 right now. I didn't see it or listen to it, but I heard plenty about it, nonetheless. Fuck it all. I hate the media. More on the psych stuff coming very soon, when I post it all online. Going to be uncomfortable, but... oh well.
XOXO
A big howdy, or yeehaw (or whatever these yahoos say to each other at the local hoot-in-nannie) from secessionist Texas. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this fucking state? In case I was remiss: I hate this fucking state. There. I wish that had been cathartic, but, alas, I very much doubt my anger is so easily dispelled. I kind of figured you, of all people, would understand my occasional bouts with antisocial thoughts, and how that would apply to my attempt to write. Writing is like...the selective redefining of reality, and not a thing to be attempted whilst feeling as empty as Rick Perry's very attractively coiffed head. It makes me feel comforted to know that you sometimes feel as if you have phone in a blog, from time to time. I feel like that a lot. Especially lately. Dostoevsky said something about suffering being the sole origin of consciousness, and Proust, that happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the mind. I am just barely smart enough to know they are right, but easily weak enough to wish otherwise. When I am happy, I don't write; sad, I can't write. Only when I can stand on the razor's edge between the two do I pick up a pen. It would be condescending of me to pretend I see inside your head or understand your life after just a handful of letters, but I feel as if you will get me or this. Kelly, do me a favor. You wrote in your last letter that "(I) am more interesting than (you) are...I'm just a whiny woman in NYC who had an odd upbringing." Don't do that. Don't minimize yourself like that. I don't write average people; I'm sort of a snob like that. I like who you are as a human being, and nobody is really "ordinary" anyways. Sometimes you say something and I know there is an excellent story behind it, and I hope one day you feel comfortable enough with me to share. After saying that, I should probably reassure you that I meant all of that in a pretty platonic sense. You will not be getting any creepy love-sick missives from Texas DR, I promise. That is not to say that I may not toss out some Hannibal-Lector-esque-Clarisse-fava-beans-type comments, but I hope you know that I am only joking around. My sense of humor really doesn't seem to translate all that well to paper, sometimes. Anyways, what I mean is: You are not some whiny hag to me. So few people today seem to realize how beautiful they are. It's tragic.
My big news of the week: I finally got fed up with my Websters dictionary and its puny 75,000 words, which never served to have anything I needed, and splurged on an Oxford American. 250,000+ beautiful, well-explained words. I've been tossing shite at it all day, and only once has it failed me: apophenia. I'm pretty pleased. Even had otaku in there. Question for you. I have a Rogets "Collegiate" Thesaurus. Absolutely worthless, for the same reason that Websters was. Is there a better thesaurus out there? Something which will have more advanced words? If google can come up with an answer, can you print me the results (with price, if possible). Danke. I really enjoyed the New Yorker piece you sent me. "It means that I'm taller than you, and smarter, an that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate." Ha ha, classic. What does a subscription to the New Yorker cost a year? Its a weekly zine, right? I get Newsweek, Prison Legal News, London Review of Books, Discover, and Smithsonian currently. All but LRB I got off a discount site, where I pay like 20% of the cover price. Not bad, really. By the way, I would definitely be interested in the New York Press info, if you can send it to me. The writing contest I was thinking about entering was for brits only, it turns out. I will find another, though. I will certainly send you a copy of whatever final product I churn out.
Have fun in Alaska! Try not to get eaten by a bear or shot by Governor Palin because she thought you were a bear. Take me a photo or two. Speaking of photos, you looked very pretty and happy in your wedding photo. Was the smile genuine? Its hard to tell if your eyes are mirroring your mouth in this one. Forgive me if that is too personal a question.
How did the play go and the Bobbi Brown cocktail party go? And your Bday? I had a bottle (three actually) of hooch in your honor. Well, I was going to drink them anyways, but it made me feel better to pretend there was a festive reason for fucking off a few million brain cells.
I think I have found a way to complete my BA or BS from here. Its taken me a long bloody time, but I think I have it. As soon as my Dad gets back from Greece. I will give it a shot. Wish me luck.
Well, I'm off. About to be rec time. I hope this find you well. Take care on the trip and send me a few photos! Until next time,
T
P.S. A few updates I left off: I've supposedly been given a new operation date in July.
Didn't really want to talk about 20/20 right now. I didn't see it or listen to it, but I heard plenty about it, nonetheless. Fuck it all. I hate the media. More on the psych stuff coming very soon, when I post it all online. Going to be uncomfortable, but... oh well.
XOXO
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #6
Dear Kelly,
It's a good day. The sun is trying to chase away the storm clouds. We had big storms last night come through and that always makes me feel human. How can you not feel ultimately helpless at the pathetic attempts humans make at shielding themselves from the elements? Nature, in all her powerful glory reminds us we are fragile. I love it. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, and/or when our homes were primitive. The fear of the unknown--lightening and thunder. How scary and majestic!!! How great the gods! Zeus! And his mighty thunder/lightening bolts. The mystery of fire!
Everyday would be a day of discovery!
That's sort of how I felt when I got out. Awed by daily discovery.
Especially when I got my cable installed. Even seen the remote controls and endless menus and submenus? Son of a bitch!
Thanks for your note and enclosures. I love Mini. He's cute. I like little dogs. Portable. Smaller piles of poop. And he seems to be a good match for your kookiness. Love it! Mr. Pet of the Month.
I got a kick out of the New Yorker article. [Ed.: Making Friends] When I was younger, I said I'd never have kids. I'd grow to be someone engrossed in my career and building a life--and though I liked children, I never saw myself settling down to have any. I even checked into getting my tubes tied when I was 19. No kidding. Of course they don't do that until you've had 2 kids/over 25. As I grew older, I wanted them more and more, and though I'd love a kid, I still REVERE silence and knowing when I leave a room, it will be in the same condition I left I when I return. Still, the little buggers are awfully cute.
Fun little things--children. Full of life and magic!
Found this little guy and wondered if Mini was this cute when he was a puppy. Puppies are irresistible! Hope you are well. And hey, maybe Mini will stop peeing on your floor if you stop dressing him up in ridiculous doggie wear! :-)
--Sarah
***
She enclosed this picture:
It's a good day. The sun is trying to chase away the storm clouds. We had big storms last night come through and that always makes me feel human. How can you not feel ultimately helpless at the pathetic attempts humans make at shielding themselves from the elements? Nature, in all her powerful glory reminds us we are fragile. I love it. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live thousands of years ago, when we lived in caves, and/or when our homes were primitive. The fear of the unknown--lightening and thunder. How scary and majestic!!! How great the gods! Zeus! And his mighty thunder/lightening bolts. The mystery of fire!
Everyday would be a day of discovery!
That's sort of how I felt when I got out. Awed by daily discovery.
Especially when I got my cable installed. Even seen the remote controls and endless menus and submenus? Son of a bitch!
Thanks for your note and enclosures. I love Mini. He's cute. I like little dogs. Portable. Smaller piles of poop. And he seems to be a good match for your kookiness. Love it! Mr. Pet of the Month.
I got a kick out of the New Yorker article. [Ed.: Making Friends] When I was younger, I said I'd never have kids. I'd grow to be someone engrossed in my career and building a life--and though I liked children, I never saw myself settling down to have any. I even checked into getting my tubes tied when I was 19. No kidding. Of course they don't do that until you've had 2 kids/over 25. As I grew older, I wanted them more and more, and though I'd love a kid, I still REVERE silence and knowing when I leave a room, it will be in the same condition I left I when I return. Still, the little buggers are awfully cute.
Fun little things--children. Full of life and magic!
Found this little guy and wondered if Mini was this cute when he was a puppy. Puppies are irresistible! Hope you are well. And hey, maybe Mini will stop peeing on your floor if you stop dressing him up in ridiculous doggie wear! :-)
--Sarah
***
She enclosed this picture:
Friday, May 22, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #23
Dear KK---
Just a relatively brief note today to accompany a few items I wanted to send to you. I anticipate receiving a letter from you later this week, so I'm sure a long letter to you will be in order over the weekend! Writing to you, opening up, and learning and knowing about you is somewhat addicting, KK, but I'm sure you've heard that before! I'll elaborate on all this later...
Ran across this brief preview of tonight's season V finale of "LOST". Utterly fascinating. "LOST" is one of the few shows on television which an audience and critics actually agree, I can't help but connect in my mind my previous letter re: "What Comes Next?" / Scheherazade, AND the complex machinations of "LOST". If either you or I were kidnapped by an evil King or Queen and forced to tell a story every night with a cliff hanger, or face execution: I have no doubt that we would simply begin telling the tale of "LOST"--of the crash of Oceanic Flight 815, of the island, of the fantastic flashbacks, of the Dharma Initiative, of the Others, ad infinitum...
Like Scheherazade, KK, I'm sure the King would end up making you the Queen. You, of course, would insist on a firm contract outlining duties, benefits, etc!
Most curious to talk & write about your comments & thoughts on that letter and several other "deeper" letters written after. Hope you have no fears about letting me inside you as well. After all, if someone (you) can't share with someone here (me), who can they?
Must thank you again for that brilliant & well-written article on J.G. Ballard from Salon.com. [Along with DailyBeast.com & a few others, that seems to be one of the go to websites.] Unfortunately, such well though out literary criticism is becoming increasingly rare. Thanks again.
[Yes, dear, KK--I am one of the nerds!?? :-) who reads book reviews not just for the info but for the writing itself. But I suspect you do as well.]
By the way, the article provides a roadmap for discovering the best of Ballard's often disturbing & bizarre, but always entertaining, massive volume of work: His three novels in the 60s, and four in the 70s.
In an article which I believe was reprinted from your NY Times, I ran across this brilliant little poem by Carol Ann Duffy, the woman recently named the Poet Laureate of the UK. It imagines the plight of Mrs. Rip Van Winkle... I'm not really a poetry person, but like with music, there is always something unique, original, or emotionally powerful to discover... I know I have some others which I will send as time permits.
You can tell so much about men & women by what makes them well up inside with joy or sadness---what moves them---deeply and intensely. i.e.--that version of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley...
Also per some of our recent conversations, a recent article on some interesting psychological experiments on good & evil & morality & "doing the right thing". It beings with those well-known experiments by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s.
Another set of almost equally famous or infamous experiments which I'm sure you will want to talk about are the "Stanford Prison Experiments" conducted in the 1970s by a man named Zambardo [sp? odd name that begins with "Z".] You can google them & get all the actual details--very enlightening. Will discuss further if you wish.
OMG!* As I'm needing to finish this letter---just received two letters from you, including what looks to be a long article on neuroscientific research experiments! [another one of our Vulcan mind melds...] and just glancing through, you received my letter on "What Happens Next?, Stephen King, Scheherazade & coping with incarceration.
Definitely a more personal letter, also taking more time this weekend in response ++ Ummm...and hopefully many more like that from you as well...
For now this has to go now. Be safe, enjoy "LOST"--I'll be thinking about you as I watch it... [OMG, KK--do you believe that?] Take care,
Yours,
Michael
*In my next letter, "Gossip Girl", "90210" & the upcoming "Melrose Place."
***
To KK from Michael:
Poem
Mrs Rip Van Winkle
CAROL ANN DUFFY
Published: May 1, 2009
I sank like a stone
Into the still, deep waters
of late middle age,
Aching from head to foot.
I took up food
And gave up exercise.
It did me good.
And while he slept,
I found some hobbies
for myself.
Painting. Seeing the sights
I’d always dreamed about:
The Leaning Tower.
The Pyramids.
The Taj Mahal.
I made a little watercolour
of them all.
But what was best,
What hands-down beat
the rest,
Was saying a none-too-fond
farewell to sex.
Until the day
I came home with this
drawing of Niagara
And he was sitting up in bed
rattling Viagra.
Just a relatively brief note today to accompany a few items I wanted to send to you. I anticipate receiving a letter from you later this week, so I'm sure a long letter to you will be in order over the weekend! Writing to you, opening up, and learning and knowing about you is somewhat addicting, KK, but I'm sure you've heard that before! I'll elaborate on all this later...
Ran across this brief preview of tonight's season V finale of "LOST". Utterly fascinating. "LOST" is one of the few shows on television which an audience and critics actually agree, I can't help but connect in my mind my previous letter re: "What Comes Next?" / Scheherazade, AND the complex machinations of "LOST". If either you or I were kidnapped by an evil King or Queen and forced to tell a story every night with a cliff hanger, or face execution: I have no doubt that we would simply begin telling the tale of "LOST"--of the crash of Oceanic Flight 815, of the island, of the fantastic flashbacks, of the Dharma Initiative, of the Others, ad infinitum...
Like Scheherazade, KK, I'm sure the King would end up making you the Queen. You, of course, would insist on a firm contract outlining duties, benefits, etc!
Most curious to talk & write about your comments & thoughts on that letter and several other "deeper" letters written after. Hope you have no fears about letting me inside you as well. After all, if someone (you) can't share with someone here (me), who can they?
Must thank you again for that brilliant & well-written article on J.G. Ballard from Salon.com. [Along with DailyBeast.com & a few others, that seems to be one of the go to websites.] Unfortunately, such well though out literary criticism is becoming increasingly rare. Thanks again.
[Yes, dear, KK--I am one of the nerds!?? :-) who reads book reviews not just for the info but for the writing itself. But I suspect you do as well.]
By the way, the article provides a roadmap for discovering the best of Ballard's often disturbing & bizarre, but always entertaining, massive volume of work: His three novels in the 60s, and four in the 70s.
In an article which I believe was reprinted from your NY Times, I ran across this brilliant little poem by Carol Ann Duffy, the woman recently named the Poet Laureate of the UK. It imagines the plight of Mrs. Rip Van Winkle... I'm not really a poetry person, but like with music, there is always something unique, original, or emotionally powerful to discover... I know I have some others which I will send as time permits.
You can tell so much about men & women by what makes them well up inside with joy or sadness---what moves them---deeply and intensely. i.e.--that version of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley...
Also per some of our recent conversations, a recent article on some interesting psychological experiments on good & evil & morality & "doing the right thing". It beings with those well-known experiments by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s.
Another set of almost equally famous or infamous experiments which I'm sure you will want to talk about are the "Stanford Prison Experiments" conducted in the 1970s by a man named Zambardo [sp? odd name that begins with "Z".] You can google them & get all the actual details--very enlightening. Will discuss further if you wish.
OMG!* As I'm needing to finish this letter---just received two letters from you, including what looks to be a long article on neuroscientific research experiments! [another one of our Vulcan mind melds...] and just glancing through, you received my letter on "What Happens Next?, Stephen King, Scheherazade & coping with incarceration.
Definitely a more personal letter, also taking more time this weekend in response ++ Ummm...and hopefully many more like that from you as well...
For now this has to go now. Be safe, enjoy "LOST"--I'll be thinking about you as I watch it... [OMG, KK--do you believe that?] Take care,
Yours,
Michael
*In my next letter, "Gossip Girl", "90210" & the upcoming "Melrose Place."
***
To KK from Michael:
Poem
Mrs Rip Van Winkle
CAROL ANN DUFFY
Published: May 1, 2009
I sank like a stone
Into the still, deep waters
of late middle age,
Aching from head to foot.
I took up food
And gave up exercise.
It did me good.
And while he slept,
I found some hobbies
for myself.
Painting. Seeing the sights
I’d always dreamed about:
The Leaning Tower.
The Pyramids.
The Taj Mahal.
I made a little watercolour
of them all.
But what was best,
What hands-down beat
the rest,
Was saying a none-too-fond
farewell to sex.
Until the day
I came home with this
drawing of Niagara
And he was sitting up in bed
rattling Viagra.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #22
[Ed.: The top of the letter has E(pi)+1=0, Euler's Identity. I am not sure why he wrote that.]
Dear KK--
Two letters from you late Friday-always a nice surprise! One was tow of your more "romantic" "Outside the Box" columns. Before getting to your letter, however:
If you don't think there is an economic bias in news coverage, you only had to see the "disaster coverage" these past two days. I'm sure you've seen the video of the wildfires around Santa Barbara, CA. Thirty homes were lost. Yesterday, massive flooding hit the hardscrabble, poverty-ridden hills of West Virginia: 500+ homes were lost. Of course they weren't million dollar ranch-style mansions/nor does a flooded ruined home make as spectacular a picture as a flaming torch filmed from a chopper. But rest assured the human toll & suffering in WVA will be incalculably larger--and the news coverage proportionately less.
Now, to your letter: You mentioned that you like hot better than cold. Once again, we are totally in sync. In my case--hot and humid. In an earlier discussion of Africa--I mentioned Djibouti-which sits near the equator on the Gulf of Aden. Along with Zanzibar [AND by the way, Delhi, INDIA in May & June just before the monsoon], one of the consistently hottest and most humid places on earth. Just lovely!
Surprised to hear "Lymelife" was such a disappointment. Not surprised to hear the same about "The Informers."
Looking at the adverts & previews of "THE SOLOIST" I wouldn't think I would like it much either. Most of these "uplifting" & "hopeful" films tend to wander off into saccharine, schmaltz & cliché. I will definitely see it if I get the opportunity.
Thank you for sharing about your mother. Is her illness controlled or manageable with medication, or is she hospitalized? My thoughts go to her on Mother's Day...
Downey, Jr. is a great talent. I thought he was excellent in "IRON MAN" - an unusual comic book/superhero-type film. I believe production on "IRON MAN 2" is already well underway.
Eyepatches, eh? A little bit kinky, a little bit rock n'roll! [With apologies to Donny & Marie.] There is of course the Russian guy on "LOST"...PLEASE send me a copy of one of your eyepatch photos! Perhaps you can use it on your Christmas card--put one on your Mini as well! Ok-I'll stop now.
DON'T GET MAD! At the risk of incurring the legendary "WRATH OF [Ed. my real last name]" or what Stephen King calls her "unending fury" in Christine, allow me to make the following statement:
YOU DO like SCIENCE-FICTION: GOOD SCIENCE- FICTION, KK!
"LOST" is outstanding science-fiction: but like all good/entertaining literature or TV/FILM: It is the characters and plot that propel the narrative. The fact that the narrative is fantastical or science-fiction OR WAR or Dickensian England or medicine is really secondary.
There is a tremendous amount of crappy, awful science-fiction. It's a genre--and everyone thinks they can write it. Same with fantasy, and "action movies" and"chick flicks"---and any other type of literature or film that you can name.
And OMG! I would hate to be on the band end of one of your reviews! I've been called a lot of things, but "nerd" just cuts to the bone:) Trust me--not since high school! I can only tell you that science-fiction has come a l-o-n-g way from the days of space operas & aliens & Star Trek-like simplistic plots.
The best science-fiction, like the best of anything, is-at its heart-outstanding literature. Same with film-and Lord knows there are a lot of bad SCI-FI FILMS...
Much of the above is tongue-in-cheek. But hating an entire genre is sort of like Jerry Seinfeld "impugning an entire continent" in the episode about the sniffing accountant and the mohair sweater...!
***
Thanks for the heads-up on the novel Flash Forward by Robert J. Sawyer. Anything that inspired J. J. Abrams to create "LOST" definitely sounds worth reading.
Could you, if you have the time, send me the "WIKIPEDIA" entry on the novel, or whatever you can find online? Thanks.
Now to a much more serious set of topics. You being a most intelligent & perceptive woman will understand my need to be somewhat vague...It is not a question of being "comfortable" discussing "certain details," it is a question of what is allowed.
Also, two of your assumptions are incorrect, but there is no way you could know... The sentence is not quite so cut & dried...as I said, subject to "conversations" & "discussions" regarding multiple past "incidents"... And with that in mind--the legal aspects are not all over... So "gory details" of all the above are not exactly open to unlimited discussion.
Hope this clears up some of what appears to be reticence or ambiguity. Thanks for caring, though. Please don't stop opening up...
I think I knew about your quieter, more cultural lifestyle & pursuits. You don't seem like a bar-hopping, party girl--although being the same myself back in the day, I know that doesn't mean you are not every bit as passionate & life-loving & exciting as anyone.
Final note on Alaska. Summer along the truly breath-taking coast from Seattle to Juneau is definitely the time to go. A long time ago, when my family was moving constantly from military base to military base, we lived in Fort Richardson, Alaska, near Anchorage. I was quite young, so my memories are not as vivid as they might otherwise be. It is also very difficult to recall childhood memories for vivid inclusion within one's memory palace.
Must get this in the mail. Will comment on "Patrick the Muse" and "Kelly & Scout" in my next letter. Enjoyed your scintillating if cruel [NERD! Really?!] letter :-). Hope to hear from you again soon. My recent letters should have provided a lot to ponder and comment upon...Take care, KK
Yours,
Michael
Dear KK--
Two letters from you late Friday-always a nice surprise! One was tow of your more "romantic" "Outside the Box" columns. Before getting to your letter, however:
If you don't think there is an economic bias in news coverage, you only had to see the "disaster coverage" these past two days. I'm sure you've seen the video of the wildfires around Santa Barbara, CA. Thirty homes were lost. Yesterday, massive flooding hit the hardscrabble, poverty-ridden hills of West Virginia: 500+ homes were lost. Of course they weren't million dollar ranch-style mansions/nor does a flooded ruined home make as spectacular a picture as a flaming torch filmed from a chopper. But rest assured the human toll & suffering in WVA will be incalculably larger--and the news coverage proportionately less.
Now, to your letter: You mentioned that you like hot better than cold. Once again, we are totally in sync. In my case--hot and humid. In an earlier discussion of Africa--I mentioned Djibouti-which sits near the equator on the Gulf of Aden. Along with Zanzibar [AND by the way, Delhi, INDIA in May & June just before the monsoon], one of the consistently hottest and most humid places on earth. Just lovely!
Surprised to hear "Lymelife" was such a disappointment. Not surprised to hear the same about "The Informers."
Looking at the adverts & previews of "THE SOLOIST" I wouldn't think I would like it much either. Most of these "uplifting" & "hopeful" films tend to wander off into saccharine, schmaltz & cliché. I will definitely see it if I get the opportunity.
Thank you for sharing about your mother. Is her illness controlled or manageable with medication, or is she hospitalized? My thoughts go to her on Mother's Day...
Downey, Jr. is a great talent. I thought he was excellent in "IRON MAN" - an unusual comic book/superhero-type film. I believe production on "IRON MAN 2" is already well underway.
Eyepatches, eh? A little bit kinky, a little bit rock n'roll! [With apologies to Donny & Marie.] There is of course the Russian guy on "LOST"...PLEASE send me a copy of one of your eyepatch photos! Perhaps you can use it on your Christmas card--put one on your Mini as well! Ok-I'll stop now.
DON'T GET MAD! At the risk of incurring the legendary "WRATH OF [Ed. my real last name]" or what Stephen King calls her "unending fury" in Christine, allow me to make the following statement:
YOU DO like SCIENCE-FICTION: GOOD SCIENCE- FICTION, KK!
"LOST" is outstanding science-fiction: but like all good/entertaining literature or TV/FILM: It is the characters and plot that propel the narrative. The fact that the narrative is fantastical or science-fiction OR WAR or Dickensian England or medicine is really secondary.
There is a tremendous amount of crappy, awful science-fiction. It's a genre--and everyone thinks they can write it. Same with fantasy, and "action movies" and"chick flicks"---and any other type of literature or film that you can name.
And OMG! I would hate to be on the band end of one of your reviews! I've been called a lot of things, but "nerd" just cuts to the bone:) Trust me--not since high school! I can only tell you that science-fiction has come a l-o-n-g way from the days of space operas & aliens & Star Trek-like simplistic plots.
The best science-fiction, like the best of anything, is-at its heart-outstanding literature. Same with film-and Lord knows there are a lot of bad SCI-FI FILMS...
Much of the above is tongue-in-cheek. But hating an entire genre is sort of like Jerry Seinfeld "impugning an entire continent" in the episode about the sniffing accountant and the mohair sweater...!
***
Thanks for the heads-up on the novel Flash Forward by Robert J. Sawyer. Anything that inspired J. J. Abrams to create "LOST" definitely sounds worth reading.
Could you, if you have the time, send me the "WIKIPEDIA" entry on the novel, or whatever you can find online? Thanks.
Now to a much more serious set of topics. You being a most intelligent & perceptive woman will understand my need to be somewhat vague...It is not a question of being "comfortable" discussing "certain details," it is a question of what is allowed.
Also, two of your assumptions are incorrect, but there is no way you could know... The sentence is not quite so cut & dried...as I said, subject to "conversations" & "discussions" regarding multiple past "incidents"... And with that in mind--the legal aspects are not all over... So "gory details" of all the above are not exactly open to unlimited discussion.
Hope this clears up some of what appears to be reticence or ambiguity. Thanks for caring, though. Please don't stop opening up...
I think I knew about your quieter, more cultural lifestyle & pursuits. You don't seem like a bar-hopping, party girl--although being the same myself back in the day, I know that doesn't mean you are not every bit as passionate & life-loving & exciting as anyone.
Final note on Alaska. Summer along the truly breath-taking coast from Seattle to Juneau is definitely the time to go. A long time ago, when my family was moving constantly from military base to military base, we lived in Fort Richardson, Alaska, near Anchorage. I was quite young, so my memories are not as vivid as they might otherwise be. It is also very difficult to recall childhood memories for vivid inclusion within one's memory palace.
Must get this in the mail. Will comment on "Patrick the Muse" and "Kelly & Scout" in my next letter. Enjoyed your scintillating if cruel [NERD! Really?!] letter :-). Hope to hear from you again soon. My recent letters should have provided a lot to ponder and comment upon...Take care, KK
Yours,
Michael
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #21
Dear KK---
Before continuing (and completing, I hope!)with your letter--brief comments on two televisions shows:
>"LOST": When this season ends on Wed 13 May, we'll have to put our heads together and try to future it all out. That would be a very caffeinated weekend! But I wanted to mention one of the truly excellent episodes from last season: THE CONSTANT. I happened to see it over the weekend again. You will recall that it is the story of Desmond--trapped in two time periods simultaneously. As a disgraced former soldier in 1996--and on the Widmore freighter in 04. We all know what happens when "time shift illness" goes unchecked: bleeding, coma, death. So possibly the most fascinating of all the "new" characters, Faraday, tells him that you must find an anchor, a constant in both time periods, or you will die like Eloise the mouse. And so he does: Penelope (Penny) Widmore...Somehow, KK, I can see millions of viewers privately asking themselves "What would my constant be?" Do I even have a constant?
And one more thought: J.J. Abrams has to "publish" the entire journal of Faraday. I have to believe the key to the whole series and many explanations are contained in that journal.
>"BREAKING BAD": If anything, Season II has been even better than Season I. The two "meth partners" are so richly drawn: The chemistry teacher Walter with terminal cancer who s-l-o-w-l-y get drawn deeper & deeper into his criminal enterprise/and Jesse--the archetypal low-life criminal who finds himself way over his head. He can act the touch guy, but he's just not a cold-blooded criminal.
You want stone-cold psycho--meet the ruthless drug dealer, "TUCO" they do business with in the last few episodes of Season I.
Plus the show has the hallmark of all good series or films: strong supporting actors, especially Walter's very pregnant wife.
***
Paul Janka definitely sounds like a very strange person. Dr. Phil and MTV-that sounds about right! Just out of curiosity, I will have to catch him on MTV if he ends up there just to see what all the fuss is about! "The worst man in the world"-that is a tough title to hold onto. The whole thing would make an interesting chapter in your future memoir.
Now to the more serious subject about which you are "very curious." Again, I would be too, and none of your questions upset me or bother me. The most important thing for me is that I'm not that person anymore. The singular experience of being here and the passage of time has made that happen. There was no overnight transformation or any "come to Jesus" moment. Such a change is, by definition, gradual & incremental.
There are quite a few clinical definitions of "sociopath," but we're both familiar with the gist. There is no question that "back in the day"* I had some of those traits. Actually, part of the rather complicated story are some conversations concerning then and now...
*Sorry, an O.G. expression one picks up!
Can't really say anymore. However, to answer some of your questions insofar as possible:
>As I said, I did have some of those traits, but there was also much that wasn't a part of my self or personality. Most of my medicine was actually very good-lives were saved. Never have I gotten any pleasure from anyone's pain or suffering. As mentioned before, I have a deep & gut-level revulsion to torture or mistreatment of anyone at anytime. A contradiction in light of some actions "back in the day"? To be sure. But again, I no longer have those traits that caused me to end up here. And believe me, I'm not just saying that.
>Conscience is a tricky concept. While it clearly has some "gaps" "back in the day", it now feels and seems to be complete and "normal", if there is such a thing.
I hope the above explains my ill-chosen comment about the "bad heart". Clearly not an actual heart problem, but what I talk about above.
Trying to "answer the questions posed..." First (and only) spouse was a nurse (big surprise there...) with children from a previous marriage, when very young. She and I were great before, but much like you said, living together proved to be another matter.
I should add that her look (you asked about my type) was totally different than Kristin or anyone else. And some part of the relationship were totally fulfilling and all-consuming.
I would like to say more--regarding more, intimate contact, but I will wait until we are a bit more comfortable talking & sharing.
Also on that other subject--your questions: 1) Yes 2) I do know what they look like 3) Can't discuss. [Ed.: He is referring to his children in Africa, I believe.]
On a related topic from a previous letter: Where is that woman that you mentioned? Sounds like she is not in a "good place" ---either in actuality or psychologically. Let me know if there is anything I can say to help her or raise her spirits. [Ed.: I'm not sure who he is referring to.]
Regarding conditions: suffice to say that there are as many degrees of incarceration as there are degrees of freedom...Before he went to the MCC, Bernie Madoff lived in that luxury apartment... there are hundreds living in tent cities near Sacramento...you get the idea...
Since I have a few more minutes--a couple of times I neglected to mention from previous letters:
>"Angelina Jolie of India"--loved the photos. Totally reminded me of African villages & cities. The serious & good part of your article is that at least you know how billions [yes, billions with a "b"] of people--the majority of them under 18--live every day. Most Americans have no idea. None.
Believe me, KK, that fact alone makes you and I closer than you can imagine. I only hope you'll let that grow and flourish.
>On a totally different subject, but strangely segued from the horrendously filthy Indian "restroom"...Your old blog entry on buying jeans at Barneys...OH MY GOD, KK! So well-written, I'll bet your every person who read it felt they had to "go" after finishing the story. I think it is the stark contrast between the luxury & extravagance of the store & the people --all so lovely and proper & non-excretory & smelling so good of the holidays...versus the brutal urgency of the functions of the human body...and as you call it, the ultimate act of necessity & defilement--right there at Barney's! Very funny, but also most instructive.
Two more comments:
1) It's comforting to know that civilization has not progressed when it comes to finding a pair of jeans that fit!
2) Curious if any of your female readers responded with any similar stories of their own?!
[I read somewhere that the new Yankee stadium has the so-called "parity" in restrooms for women with men.]
I could actually go on--so much to talk about with you, and so much I hope we can talk about one day. But I will stop for the week and wait for your next letter or letters. [I hope :-)]
Let me wish you a very happy & safe birthday, KK. You are clearly a very intelligent and very sensual 39, with many amazing years ahead of you. Will be thinking of you...and at your stroke of midnight on Friday the 15th when it becomes the 16th : 2200 hrs my time!
Take care & write soon, KK
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Enjoy Carnage>I read some great blurbs from review.
P.P.S. Please tell me what music moves you or touches you. I barely scratched the surface and will say more.
Before continuing (and completing, I hope!)with your letter--brief comments on two televisions shows:
>"LOST": When this season ends on Wed 13 May, we'll have to put our heads together and try to future it all out. That would be a very caffeinated weekend! But I wanted to mention one of the truly excellent episodes from last season: THE CONSTANT. I happened to see it over the weekend again. You will recall that it is the story of Desmond--trapped in two time periods simultaneously. As a disgraced former soldier in 1996--and on the Widmore freighter in 04. We all know what happens when "time shift illness" goes unchecked: bleeding, coma, death. So possibly the most fascinating of all the "new" characters, Faraday, tells him that you must find an anchor, a constant in both time periods, or you will die like Eloise the mouse. And so he does: Penelope (Penny) Widmore...Somehow, KK, I can see millions of viewers privately asking themselves "What would my constant be?" Do I even have a constant?
And one more thought: J.J. Abrams has to "publish" the entire journal of Faraday. I have to believe the key to the whole series and many explanations are contained in that journal.
>"BREAKING BAD": If anything, Season II has been even better than Season I. The two "meth partners" are so richly drawn: The chemistry teacher Walter with terminal cancer who s-l-o-w-l-y get drawn deeper & deeper into his criminal enterprise/and Jesse--the archetypal low-life criminal who finds himself way over his head. He can act the touch guy, but he's just not a cold-blooded criminal.
You want stone-cold psycho--meet the ruthless drug dealer, "TUCO" they do business with in the last few episodes of Season I.
Plus the show has the hallmark of all good series or films: strong supporting actors, especially Walter's very pregnant wife.
***
Paul Janka definitely sounds like a very strange person. Dr. Phil and MTV-that sounds about right! Just out of curiosity, I will have to catch him on MTV if he ends up there just to see what all the fuss is about! "The worst man in the world"-that is a tough title to hold onto. The whole thing would make an interesting chapter in your future memoir.
Now to the more serious subject about which you are "very curious." Again, I would be too, and none of your questions upset me or bother me. The most important thing for me is that I'm not that person anymore. The singular experience of being here and the passage of time has made that happen. There was no overnight transformation or any "come to Jesus" moment. Such a change is, by definition, gradual & incremental.
There are quite a few clinical definitions of "sociopath," but we're both familiar with the gist. There is no question that "back in the day"* I had some of those traits. Actually, part of the rather complicated story are some conversations concerning then and now...
*Sorry, an O.G. expression one picks up!
Can't really say anymore. However, to answer some of your questions insofar as possible:
>As I said, I did have some of those traits, but there was also much that wasn't a part of my self or personality. Most of my medicine was actually very good-lives were saved. Never have I gotten any pleasure from anyone's pain or suffering. As mentioned before, I have a deep & gut-level revulsion to torture or mistreatment of anyone at anytime. A contradiction in light of some actions "back in the day"? To be sure. But again, I no longer have those traits that caused me to end up here. And believe me, I'm not just saying that.
>Conscience is a tricky concept. While it clearly has some "gaps" "back in the day", it now feels and seems to be complete and "normal", if there is such a thing.
I hope the above explains my ill-chosen comment about the "bad heart". Clearly not an actual heart problem, but what I talk about above.
Trying to "answer the questions posed..." First (and only) spouse was a nurse (big surprise there...) with children from a previous marriage, when very young. She and I were great before, but much like you said, living together proved to be another matter.
I should add that her look (you asked about my type) was totally different than Kristin or anyone else. And some part of the relationship were totally fulfilling and all-consuming.
I would like to say more--regarding more, intimate contact, but I will wait until we are a bit more comfortable talking & sharing.
Also on that other subject--your questions: 1) Yes 2) I do know what they look like 3) Can't discuss. [Ed.: He is referring to his children in Africa, I believe.]
On a related topic from a previous letter: Where is that woman that you mentioned? Sounds like she is not in a "good place" ---either in actuality or psychologically. Let me know if there is anything I can say to help her or raise her spirits. [Ed.: I'm not sure who he is referring to.]
Regarding conditions: suffice to say that there are as many degrees of incarceration as there are degrees of freedom...Before he went to the MCC, Bernie Madoff lived in that luxury apartment... there are hundreds living in tent cities near Sacramento...you get the idea...
Since I have a few more minutes--a couple of times I neglected to mention from previous letters:
>"Angelina Jolie of India"--loved the photos. Totally reminded me of African villages & cities. The serious & good part of your article is that at least you know how billions [yes, billions with a "b"] of people--the majority of them under 18--live every day. Most Americans have no idea. None.
Believe me, KK, that fact alone makes you and I closer than you can imagine. I only hope you'll let that grow and flourish.
>On a totally different subject, but strangely segued from the horrendously filthy Indian "restroom"...Your old blog entry on buying jeans at Barneys...OH MY GOD, KK! So well-written, I'll bet your every person who read it felt they had to "go" after finishing the story. I think it is the stark contrast between the luxury & extravagance of the store & the people --all so lovely and proper & non-excretory & smelling so good of the holidays...versus the brutal urgency of the functions of the human body...and as you call it, the ultimate act of necessity & defilement--right there at Barney's! Very funny, but also most instructive.
Two more comments:
1) It's comforting to know that civilization has not progressed when it comes to finding a pair of jeans that fit!
2) Curious if any of your female readers responded with any similar stories of their own?!
[I read somewhere that the new Yankee stadium has the so-called "parity" in restrooms for women with men.]
I could actually go on--so much to talk about with you, and so much I hope we can talk about one day. But I will stop for the week and wait for your next letter or letters. [I hope :-)]
Let me wish you a very happy & safe birthday, KK. You are clearly a very intelligent and very sensual 39, with many amazing years ahead of you. Will be thinking of you...and at your stroke of midnight on Friday the 15th when it becomes the 16th : 2200 hrs my time!
Take care & write soon, KK
Yours,
Michael
P.S. Enjoy Carnage>I read some great blurbs from review.
P.P.S. Please tell me what music moves you or touches you. I barely scratched the surface and will say more.
