Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #61

Dear Kelly,
My best guess about Amir is that he has got it bad and is now in the WTF stage of falling in love. You know from the beginning that he was a commitmentphobe. Part of the life he has lived has included managing multiple women or if he was with a single woman, either a) not for long or b) did as he pleased.

In the beginning of your relationship, he had other women as usual. He is used to running the show, making decisions (like cutting out on Xmas without warning and giving vague answers about where he's going and why) and not seeing the impact that his flippancy has on others. He did not love them enough to be compassionate about their pain he caused. Additionally, the mediocre relationships, even if emotional, did not cut deep when there was a fight or a loss.

But he loves the shit out of you.

AND it is making him feel a deeper cut of emotion, both up and down. And let's be honest, you are a rollercoaster, Kelly. You have strong reactions, intense emotions and it forces the knife in deeper AND heightens the level of ecstasy, intimacy and a pleasure. Do you consider yourself a manic?

When you express your feelings for some reason he feels responsible for them. I don't know if that has come from him not being used to deeper emotions, or if you blame things on him, or if because when he used to do things and women were hurt, he didn't have to care to feel sympathy because he didn't love them as much.

But clearly thing have gotten serious and your reactions get more intense. Before--maybe 4-6 mos ago, you would be pretty matter of fact about stuff. Like Amir would say XYZ and then try to weasel out of it and you'd give an ultimatum or say -- Amir you are disrespecting me and your word, and if you don't do XYZ then I can't trust you. But now you have a higher level of expectation so if he tries to go back on XYZ you are like WHY would you do that? You know I had this planned and blah, blah. That's my guess. His actions have a greater impact because of the greater level of commitment (and you now expect more)

SO
He's feeling the weight and responsibility of commitment to you and a) it's new to him b) he's look ahead with dread because

He's commitmentphobic, believe that this will turn out like the past, with an end, and therefore if it continues down this same path, when the real end comes it's likely to fucking kill him.

Like breakdown and head for the psychiatric hospital for a week. This is scary for him. And it should be.

What he really wants is to maintain your level of intimacy without such heavy consequences for his individuality, his feelings and his choices. He doesn't want to walk on eggshells and he doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings.

He shouldn't have to be either, because when you are upset it comes from either:

1) an unmet need
2) an unmet expectation
3) a thwarted intention

So what he should be responsible for is HIS WORD. Period. If he fulfills his word, then your feelings are your responsibility. If you are being hurt by either his actions or his omissions than you tow clearly have to communicate more about what needs and expectations you have, because I believe that is the problem.

He even ends it with saying that he is sorry for not giving you what you need right now.

Your needs/wants/expectations are more than he feels that he has agreed upon. You keep feeling like you aren't getting what you should and he keeps feeling like the line keeps getting pushed closer and closer .. and the cliff is behind him.

He wants room to breathe, to not have a crisis lurking around the corner. And he wants you more than any other woman. To him, he feels he cannot have both right now.

I totally understand where he is coming from because I had a lover like that once. And...I have been that girl before too. I think the catalyse is fear. Insecurity. And so, you are afraid to lose him and go into hypersensitivity mode, which then causes overemotional reactions and those up/down--elation/destruction cycles. Before, it wasn't so intense because you fear less a lost opportunity than a lost asset. You've turned him into something you are leasing or renting to own. Before he was a hotel room, night by night.

Or I could be completely wrong.

Just my thoughts.

I really hope you tow figure it out because Amir is WAY better than Reidtard and you must go to the May premiere as his g/f. Oh, which reminds me, I was sure that I had heard references to Amir's movie on NPR because whenever I heard them mention it, I remember how odd I thought it was to make a production about an architect in NY. Like to me that sounds like something I'd watch on a late weekday evening while drinking too much wine while waiting on the oven to ding, for I have secured the money to build my own place and just broke up with my lover. An then bail out as soon as the timer went off.

That's why I didn't pay attn. I am pretty sure it was on one of the afternoon shows where there is news, then an in-depth story. It could have been Morning Edition, Fresh Air, All Things Considered...
it was when I saw the movie poster that I even knew what Amir's movie was about so I didn't make the possible connection until I saw your letter later. I don't know how NPR is set up but some of their shows are done by PRI, APM and one of those is out of NY. Maybe it was one of them.

Or maybe it's another book or movie about another NY architect? I didn't know how obsessed NYers are with real estate and architecture until I met you. Could there be another one?

I can't believe Donald Trump is speaking at the movie. How many people are going to be there? Since its coming up soon, I'll keep my ears open. I'm sorry if I don't remember.

I got my first official short story printed this month. It's in a small zine that circulates maybe 100 copies each printing but its a start. And I sent in a ;modified version to The Sun for Reader's Write. I love that magazine. I'm so glad you told me about it. Next month is my last issue so I'm keeping my fingers crossed to get accepted b/c they give a free year sub. for it. I need to write Michele again about the book. I sent in the $10 for Creative Nonfiction like 3 mos ago, but got no response. I hate that. Another letter to write.

Wow! Congrats on your puzzle piece being picked. And shown in Japan! So are you going to the Soho art gallery show seeing that your piece is on display? That was a good art piece. Real, you know?

I have been sending out requests for hand art to France, Belgium, Canada, Argentina, Italy, and all over the US. Some are real short, to the point, others are geared towards supporting me specifically, others for stigma examination they morph as I go along. I'm going to write up an art call sheet and enclose it in here for you. Will you please make hand art and pass the request to someone? Or post it on a board online or on a corkboard in a gallery?

John, my mom's boyfriend, has never done a blog and doesn't know what he's doing, so he's having a time figuring out howto put stuff on there. He's 62 and wants to help. Is the art up yet? I wonder, when you post pictures (jpgs) to your blog, do you save them as small pics that you click on to get bigger or do they load at full size? I'm going to call home Sunday and see how things are going.

Any suggestions on the technical stuff?

Fuck what Lauren thinks. You aren't a loose cannon, you are emotionally advanced and freely expressed. You don't' put it all out there, you are simply being authentic, transparent and self-expressed. Maybe she needs the twig removed from her pretentious ass.

And his friends only say that he should leave you because they see how affected he is by your disagreements and this is unusual for him. They only want him to be happy.

He does love you very much. That is clear.

I picked up a memoir in the rec room titled: An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. I guess she's a psychiatrist and professor at John Hopkins who has manic depression, and it's her story. "A Memoir of Moods and Madness" is the subtitle. It's from'95 but seemed like something that would kind of be tangential to what I've gone through particularly the stigma attached to mental illness. I've just read maybe a dozen pages.

You asked me about the scariest or most dangerous prisoners here. I would have to say the diabetics who don't eat right. They get bad mood swings and have farts that can kill a small rodent. Honestly, I don't really think I have ever met a woman whom I thought was scary (except my ex-lover when she stalked me) Most of the violence is girlfriend drama or over someone else's girlfriend. There are other fights, but even those almost exclusively involve only hands, pencils or biting. A goose-egg or black eye.

Generally people don't just fuck with you unless you fuck with them. Except bullies. There are a few bullies but bullies only bully people they know they can bully, particularly their g/fs.

Dangerous..well. There are dangerous women here, but they are a danger to abusive fathers, husbands, or as an accomplice in a drug-related crime. Most sober women are not a danger. The creepy ones are almost exclusively sex-crime related cases. But then again bullies always pick easy targets.

Plus, out there a lot of them were nutty and self-medicated with drugs or alcohol. Here they get Remeron and Haldol. It keeps them easy.

I have never felt afraid of another woman in prison, although I sure had the adrenaline fear when I confronted a few of them. But I never worried about sleeping and getting attached or had to watch my back in the shower. If you do, then you are doing things that you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

There are some manly women here that I would not voluntarily piss off without being two steps out the door first.

I don't' know if that answered your question.

The real dangerous ones are the sneaky, quiet, vindictive types. Hence the reason to not fuck with people.

I'm glad you are again fully employed.

THAT'S IT! THE BIG THREE!!! You had the apartment and boyfriend and so when you got all that work something had to fail, right? You are a wicked genius, Kelly Kreth.

I'm telling you, you could write a book on just that theory---a short memoir of the men, apartments and jobs you've juggled and pull from your previous columns for material Oh yes! That's a great hook!

Take care,

Sarah

Did I ever tell you that your recycled paper envelopes often fall apart partially every letter? Or maybe it is the letter opener...Nevermind. :-)

Hi Kelly,

Busy is what i thought you wish to be or your letters implied during the down turn BUT as Goethe, George Bernard Shaw and others said:

"Be careful what you wish for."

I still don't understand what it is you do exactly. A short explanation ill do.

i'm not much for Western md. except when in extreme pain, so... I take care to myself as best I can.

And I'm in good shape in spite of the niggles---mainly viral: An early warning system re: What is coming: Awhole lew of BUGS we can't treat--operations becoming as a result very dangerous: a result of our overuse of antibiotics. Some are saying that 2015=1925 (medically) Don't get sick!

Crimes: You never know 100%, But a study of the record tells you 90% of the time that (if they did THAT, there was a nefarious reason). In two of the cases it is so obvious (the lawyer didn't interview or call the main defense witness; a woman can't get an STD from a man who does not have one). .The 3rd case is just a oxycontin farce: He was a patsy (a doctor) of that year. That's from the record: Egregions prosecution behavior. Added in years of almost daily interaction. You know, but nothing is 100% particularly as all is now governed by the arrogance of ignorance.

What does the site do? [Ed.: He refers to a site about online copyright infringement). I'm looking to post my THEFT, PURE THEFT to try to get some feedback re: what has been done to me. It says it all, but i can provide some explanation (attached). Thank you.

Warmth has come at last. This place could blow as any time and they are adding too many people: stupid, so stupid.

Working on my Autobio. As I have (rare) for the moment, a cellie I can talk to, his response to my telilng of tales makes me aware: get it on paper.

Peace,
Ira

PS Also working on the multi-dimensional poem.

Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #19-20

Hi Kelly,
Thank you for the address. Spring for a day, now cold dribble and snow possibly on the way. Spring has been postponed. Food questions should be answered on reverse side. [Ed.: I will scan in a typical prison menu he provided with his few comments on food provided.] I eat breakfast, then...the rest is in my room. All my pay and the money others send me goes to food from commissary as so much of what they serve--after breakfast--makes me ill.
So I live on tuna fish and chicken, but mainly noodles and lots of oranges which I juice, mix with honey and hot H20.

Simple basic diet.

After 14 years with a cook who made a production out of each meal, it is a stark contrast but feeding my mind has always come first, though my mom was a good cook, taught me how to cook and I do miss living with someone who cares about food, as most Americans have no sense--at all--about food and shovel in the poison that is in all processed food. It is sad to watchl.

All typesof people are in here. The US Criminal Justice System is among the most unfair in the world. So many railroaded; so many innocent. I can barely managed to do law any more: it is so unfair it m akes me very ill.

Read An American Travesty again. If I didn't send it, it is online. It's straight talk. I still have an attachment to truth though it is long gone in the USA. I think the disease is terminal, but one has to hope that Wisconsin will help awaken people.

My 3 closet her: a doctor, a fireman, a navy rescue specialist (on permanent disability) were all railroaded. Avergage productive citizens who would now gladly dynamite court houses after years of study and legal abuse.

My situation is worse as I have the highest profile case in PA history and one of the highest in the country.

So they delay as the FEDS shoudl fre me as what they've done is outside the law.

That if some honest journalist would just take the available data and lay it out noone would believe it.

BUT
Americans have been depoliticized and we now have an oligarchy not a democracy. Who is suffering from what Wall St. did? The effects of the multi-trillion and financial scam are now hitting Joe Sixpack so a small stir, BUT as my blonde, blue-eyed 6 4 Navy rescue guy said yesterday: When will Tunisia / Egypt come here?

I have 2 more levels of PA law to get through. Should have been done years ago. They are afraid of me. Fear leads to blatant error. The Feds should be more impartial, if I live that long.

3 Levels of Federal Law:

I have win at the first. I should be freed due to what they did and the illegal trial. A retrial due to their behavior is probably impossible. Extreme prosecutorial misconduct.

Read An American Travesty (15 pages).

No fear. Prisoners regard high profile types the way people regard rock stars. Most violence is gang violence. I"m or was protected by Black Muslim leaders (prisoners) and green berets in the beginning when helicopters hovered over head to photograph me. It is safer in here than it is out there.

Glad you are back in business; lowers the anxiety level.

I'm alone a lot (special arrangement). When it gets crowded I get a cellie. Mainly I'm alone. Bunk bed, desk, toilet, storage cabinet. Essentially a monk's cell.

BOMBING: A Logical Progression:

LIBYA
YEMEN
BAHRAIN
OMAN
SAUDI ARABIA
RUSSIA
CHINA
USA

When I get a cellie, they move out quickly as I have no TV and have the light on from 6am to 11pm.

I'm a reader and a worker.

Most people I've met in my life have no real purpose in life.

Most of my friends did things have purpose--tried to make life better for others.

The average person--this is descriptive--has few real interests beyond consumption. They seem to be talking cows (again descriptive).

Is Europe in Spain? Is a typical daily? I lived among an information rich environment for 20 years-the elite of the elite.

In my years in England/EIRE/Spain/Sweden I had accerss to some of those people and was quickly asked to do thing (a radio series in EIRE which I had to refuse--too dangerous). In France, I went to ground and buried myself in love and learning. HERE: A Wasteland. (IGNORANCE] 3

It is indicative of American degradation
The basical intelligence of a small village in France was far superior to what I find here, as far as I can tell, the always on society is m aking it worse (out there).

The pride in ignorance can only frighten as things get more complex.

You can't solve contemporary problems without knowledge, yet I'm not a technocrat.

How to educate is the problem. Amir, if he is Persian, comes from a tradition of incredible richness. So do I. To allowthat to disappear is a form of genocide. But that is what has happened as people eat blather. If that is what we are, then let the Earth be free of us so the animals can be free.

Peace, Ira
***




***

Hi Kelly,

A protein alternative is necessary for Muslims and others. Vegetarians: Have not seen any.

I don't think in therms of favorite. It is not a category I use, so the ? is hard to answer.

Friends I mentioned:

1. Navy Rescue: in for a rape he didn't do.
2. Doctor: in for drugs he dind't peddle.
3. Fireman: in for molestation he didn't do.

One, if he lives (he is disabled from his Navy rescue days) will get out in 5 years.

Two is doing 67, 68, - 30-120 : If I can't help him win, he'll die here.

Three, has got ten more years: I hae already spent 100s of hours on his case and will spend 100s more.

All have studied the law. Where I come in is in subtle piontms, overview and writing--I write better than they do
so I edit, send it back
re-edit etc.
Sometimes 10 times

BUT the next one is a big one: the Federal Hab

Which I'll spend days on editing, checking case law, etc.

I still answer?s and hehlp when i'm in the law library BUT I'm retired

Glad you're busy--being tired is the reward.

We froze here for 9 days; the arctic circle. It is snowing as I write. Winter is persisting.

Harry Mantel's Wolf Hall - a novel about Henry the 8th and Anne Boleyn is a marvel of writing.

Skippy Dies by Paul Murray will give you peals of laughter.

Please when you have time look at Plagiarism Today a website run by Jonathan Bailey. I want to get my stuff to him probably just Theft, Pure Theft.

A note: Could you check out the site. Thank you.

On cavity my entire life, but gums c. 60 started to fail and I'm now losing teeth that I pull myself.

Peace,
Ira

Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #18

Hi Kelly,
Your note arrived today: unopened. MAGIC draining (medical issues) rather than infuriating BUT I seem better today- feeling my normal 2 or 3 drinks above PAR. It's an aging immune system and inability to get a few things that might help. Sheer bodily energy get me through it all. CHAOS Seemingly everywhere. The reactor explosion is a real disaster as is Japan in general and the Middle East will not be over unitl the Saudis are blown out of the H2O.
Smoke-in was long ago (68) so probably has disappeared. Here: mob flicks. Black asks a white to turn down his radio- Aryan nation guy says Fuck You. Black comes back with 3 others. Fight ensues. Join in. 2 shanks found.
Sat. night I had to sit on two guys trying to con a 76 year old out of food.
Monday: a whilte shirt friend (Louie's and above wear white) told me about that shanks and said -- say the word and I"ll come to the block and scare the hell out of the extortionists. I say: No need, but willl keep it in reserve.

Monday afternoon the radio incident sparks racist mob fights in both yards--LOCKDOWN--prison frozen for hours.
I went up to eat at 7:15 last night instead of 5:15.
Then as 10pm I found out about the reactor explosion.
An affair at 7: Novel and ugh!! Yes they are here and hated --- No by me---I just feel sad about the thought of 40 sexually abusing 3 or 4.

Innocence lack of threat--what it is about is more interest to me than condemnation.

My latest legal decision postponed again---now April 14th if I'm lucky.
A relationship is tested by the daily not the celebration being together on a rainy day, while your are sick and in need. I hope Amir can sustain that.

I wrote Scott Turon, President Author's Guild 31 E. 28th 10 th Floor New York, NY 10016

We got it from a listing of corporate addresses it came back as a nixie.
Could you get the address of the Authors Guild for me. Put it in the next letter: No hurry as I feel as if I'm in Limbo, spring notwithstanding.

Reading David Grossman's To The End of the Land -- Not working much for me. His previous novels have been fine. This is BIG and kudoed BUT It feels like soap opera Also another big one by Iain M. Banks- Surface Detail- superb, imaginative Sci-Fi

I have been reading him for 30 years.

Today I'll go back to work on my multi-dimensional poem. I badly need a vacation. Anything on the job front? Oil, jobs are iffy; Japan in a nuclear scared adds to the mess.

I hope Amir wakes up to the need to cement things. In these times a little stability goes a long way.

I now have a cellie who sleeps 15 hours/day total depression, a lump on a bed. SAD.
Peace,
Ira
***

Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #60

Dear Kelly,
Six days ago you left Amir.
That hurts my heart.

For the past two years you've been dealing with weirdoes, bullshitters, schmoozers and pining after this handsome, sweet, funny, successful, sensual, uncatchable guy and then you get him and leave him. He obviously loves the crap out of you and you love him like a bad habit. It must have been a very painful ordeal for both of you.

I"m sorry. I'll wait to hear what happened and what will happen from here out.

I was actually workin gon my two first contribuations to HANDS! this afternoon, finishing a pencil drawing and was collecting items to make a collage background for my seconmd piece when I pulled out a paper photo of you and Amir. It's black and white, you are smiling with your arm around him and he is hiding behind his hand. I was looking for a black and white photo to use, but was afraid to use a BW photo from a magazine because of copyrights or whatever.

I can't figure this out: If you have a picture of JOHN DOE taken by XYZ and wan to alter it to reuse it, how much must you manipulate it before it's no longer exclusively owned by XYZ? Does it matter if it is in the public domain? LIke if a park buys a sculpture, sets it up, I can take a photo and sell the photo because the sculpture is in the public domain, right? But what if someone reprints my picture, changes the colors/hues, and sells it? Do they need to get my permission or pay me for the use of it? What if they cut up my picture, rearrange the pieces and add others on top if it, so that is it not really recognizable? Then sells it? What's the liability? Where's the line?

I couldn't figure it out, so I looked through my stuf for personal photos and the one with you and Amir was PERFECT for what I needed.

As I was arranging my collage pieces, I thought how it fit us both. I received your letter last night, went to bed, and woke up today and went straight fo rmy artpad. I took a couple notes of things I had wanted to wriet to you about and set them aside to go back to the artsy stuff. When I got done with my collage, I was surprised how well it fit YOU, even though I made it for ME.

I used some of the few things I had that I was willing ot recycle into art that had good color/texture and uniqueness that fi t my theme and personal story behind the art story. But i promise, if I didn't know it, I would have swore that it was by Kelly Kreth.

Well, except for the Spirey McGuillcudy bit.

I can't even explain it, you'll have to go online to the archive to see it. www.holdinghandsforjustice.blogspot.com. Don't worry I covered the recognizable parts of your faces in the art. Only you'd know it was you. I hope you don't mind.

Just check out the whole message, then remember the 100 roses he bought. And the cards you ripped up? the photo of the two of you.

The lower right part is what makes it specific tonme personm inm the world and only that person would knot who it identifies. The first word, Spivey, is part of the name of a construction company and the second word, McGuillicudy is wha tyou might recognize as the maiden name of Lucy.

Great photo of you on Cole Porter's piano. Love your boots! I heard on the radio about the upcoming contest in jazz to win a Cole Porter Fellowship. I think it's at the Athenaem, but the five finalists may be playing nearby. Interesting points that connect the web of people in life.

I heard references to Amir's movie on NPR (makes sense as he sold it to PBS) , but i didn't know that was his, I thought the movie/ doc of a New York architect was typical of New Yorker's obsession with real estate. You are so clever, Kelly. That IS a good title and you deserve a credit. NEAT. Additionally, how cool is it that you named a movie that has Donald Trump as an opening night speaker?

Reid is an ass. He's a bullshtter. Out of the FB chat you pasted in 8 short statements I can clearly identify how inauthentic he is, and one of those was HEY YOU.

He chases you then when you don't come running to him, he flips it around like you'd onmly be so lucky to get him and that he's cool being friends. What a jerk. Does he have a real job now or is he mooching off his girlfriend while fleshing out his writing career? If he chases dreams like he chases women, no wonder he is probably waiting tables.

CONGRATS on getting work! No worries about rent. Much better to worry about too much work than where you will sleep and eat. Of course, you wont' be eating much if your tooth doesn't stop hurting. I know you have some gum recession, but I wonder if it might be sinus issues? Do you have sinus congestion? Sometimes I get shooting pains in my upper left molars and sometimes an ache for days because the teeth are rooted high into my sinuses and when they swell, they pinch a nerve going to my teeth. It can lasat for a while and then "POOF" be gone for months before returning.

I hope you are feeling better.

Your yoga studio rep needs some enlightenment. Or the stick removed from his ass.

The only time I ever dyed my hair was when I was out and because I pretty much had to. I hated the short blonde hair. When I first was out I cut it in layers just an inch below my collar and dyed it cranberry brown. It was so pretty. But in regular life I like my natural color and even without sun for weeks/months at a time, and only snatches of it, I have natural blonde streaks in the front, so I'm lucky. Fuck al lthe work of maintaining color. Yes, the razor cut sucks to do, but what does matter when you are locked in a cement and steel bathroom 23 hours a day. Trust me, there's no one to look cute for. I can't remember the last time someone turned me on, anyway. I take that back: several months ago I saw an old lover of mine briefly. I'd say I get turned on about once every nine months. SAD.

I'm tried, bleeding, and sad for the frightened people of Libya, Japan, Ivory Coast, Syria, Yemen, Bahrain, Palestine and Israel.

We all have our own prisons.

Take care,
Sarah

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #114

Dear Kelly,
Hi, Sunshine! I know it sounds so much better coming fromAmir. Just received your mot recent letter from late February, where in you began "Hm. Have not heard from you for a while." Wrote you a long letter almost the same day as yours so in addition to wahatever was in the pipeline at the time you should have received that letter as it crossed yours soemwhere over central IL...Besides that letter from you, also received several items and (as always) scintillating blog entries and interviews. Clearly so much to get to, so let me start most recently and go in reverse:

>Academy Awards: Talk about no surprises. All eight of the major awards went exactly as they were speculated to by almost everyone.

You'll appreciate this: I know you're not a fashionista or slave to fashion (Thank God!) but you know a lot about it and always seem to appreciate its absurdities. So before the Oscars, I caught a brief glimps of your girl Amy Adams on the Red Carpet: to my obviously untrained eye she looked amazing in some sort of shiny sexy blue dress... So a couple of days leater I see the fashion critics ((the woman and gay guy)) absolutely eviscerate her appearance and outfit, calling her the worst-dressed of the night.

[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]

OMG! I have not seem Doom Generation but would oh-so-want to. I have this brief description:

Two young lovers turn their lives upsidedown when they pick up a dangerous drifter who involves them in a murder and a sexual triangle. BLEAK, bleark view of the younger generation of the mid-90s...

I have found I usually like or appreciate any film whre the reviewer uses the word "BLEAK". I know, KK, it's a sickness! You sound like you've seen it so take a few minutes to give me your KRETH review or KK's take.

>So your little vignette aobut obsessing on the man in the subway (John) reminded me of the opening of a brilliant Nicci French novel, whose excellent title maddingly escapes me at the moment. It was made into a much-inferior movie starring Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes. The film plays down the intense/S&M nature of the couple's relationship.

But it begins almost exactly like what you did. An instant., inexplicable, intense attraction on an almost molecular level.

[Note to KK: Yes, I've experienced exactly that--especially in hospitals. Andalways actedon the impulse feeling...However I'm sure it is much more difficult to do so in the confines and limitations of the NYC subway system!]

>Still another OMG! moment in your letter:

And NOW A WORD FROM JOHN "Wandering through bookstores episode one" I'm so totally in sync with every sentence, every feeling expressed in that essay. A stunningly bleakly cynical ex-Sociopath--was touched by the tears at the end and "You are my hero." Will definitely save and share. Yes, there is a treasure there.

[Ed.: He apparently loves John. Good to know they'd be besties.]

1) Yes, understand as I'm sure do most who read it (espeically women) you problems with the mock ring...But c'mon, lighten up,Kelly! A man you love and who loves you took a lot of time and effort to make you happy in his own unique way.

Trust me. Though it's hard to convince you because you enver want to hear necessary details---I do know certain things about men and women. When a man puts in that sort of effort---he must be praised. He simply must.

Will make a note to tell you my gorilla suit story from Virginia. Yes, the full ape suit--body and head.

To conclude Amir will never marry you? Balderdash! Revel in the attention and the love and the powerful intense sexuality that must have followed.

2) Final comment: I love that at least one person I know has no problems writing a one line statement with a three line bracketed parenthetical right in the middle. Beautiful! Thank you!

Time is tight/ Next letter sooner will start working backwards. Plus more articles.

Thinking of you (and Amir--I must admit--has it really only been a year? What a year!)

Stay warm, stay safe and write again. As will I.

Your friend, Michael

PS Can you send me the poem Ozymandius. Will explain.

Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #59

Kelly,
Happy Spring!
Glad to get your letter. Your florescent letters I have used the blank parts of the paper to make a paper mural of spring that I taped to a paper grocery bag that holds foodstuff. . We can't decorate our walls, so I have to improvise. But spring is officially here today and I hope that a new season brings new, positive changes in my circumstances.

You are right about the freak-outs being caused by being in this room too long. That's what the mental health people say, too, but the Powers that Be ignore it and make me suffer for a variety of reasons. I had a regular, monthly review of my status on Thursday, and it was better than usual because I have given up being sarcastic and defensive to the person who runs it. I realize that she actually has no power, so no matter what her judgement is of me it doesn't matter one way or another and for real, I feel compassion for her because I would not want to be left in the dark, like they do to her, and then have to be the one to always tell me I'm not leaving, and there is no indication when that might happen. They have locked me in the attic--out of sight---out of mind. While I am slowing descending into who knows what--they go on with their merry (or miserable) lives. Such a shame. To think it is acceptable to treat human beings like animals in a shelter. Sad.

Michelle advised me that the editing process would be very slow--I think because she is doing it herself and also holds a full-time job and other activities, so the book project, I believe, is more of a hobby-type thing done in snatches of time on random evenings before bed or on weekend mornings. Ninety essays. But she wrote to confirm my participation so it is still happening.

You were a growing poet, with vivid images and a sense of humor for yourself and you ditched your poet to live all alone in a dusty notebook. I want to write more because I enjoy it and get better the more I practice,but most of the last six months has been wasted researching and writing the civil rights suit in between freak-out sessions. I feel really cheated out of part of my life because of those. Like, it's one thing to lose my physical freedom but losing my mind is not part of my sentence.

Sorry about your dead scanner. Once the project gets set up perhaps you can contribute some hand photo art. If someone wants to leave a comment on my blog, can't they upload a picture/image into their comment too? I'm not sure how these things work.

Is is just a continuous stream of entries that you can make a Table of Contents for at the top to link to special sections of the feed or does it have different pages.?

I cannot even imagine what a suite that costs $8000 a night looks like. What a great experience! I bet your grand piano photos are gorgeous. Can you share one or are they the kind you don't' share? :-)

Have you ever asked if Amir has considered a taxidermied gift? Or is that just your secret fear?

I bet you could get those poems published. I read lots of strange and wonderful and bad and confusing poems are all over the place. If you add a background note, I bet it would be interesting to print. Did they post your work on Mr. Beller's yet? I've been looking forward to it.

Haircuts in prison for women are common because either 1) they have a vocational cosmetology program to give women a usable skill to leave with and they need heads to practice on, or 2) We cut one another's hair with kindergarten, round-tip draft scissors or modified razor blades.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

The cosmo students need to learn how to dye hair too so they have that service. Usually one purchases hair dye from the commissary where we get shampoo and toothpaste, and some makeup. Men want workout gloves and baseball caps , women want hair dye and makeup. I am denied that stuff because I'm in solitary. I blindly trim my hair with my BIC shaver in the shower. With long layers, it still looks okay even if I fuck it up.

Creepy John encounter. Do you think he went home looking for your most recent t blog post? Can others access yours? I wonder if he leaves comments. At least he's still going to therapy. A python in therapy. How funny.

At least Amir has switched from grapes to melon you can eat!

The mat was thoughtful (heated floors? cool.) but I concur about the mug. He has an odd, but lovable sense of humor. At least he's not being boring and predictable.

I can barely remember what it feels like to be in love, or even get physically excited by a man. I think sometimes my pussy is broke. the only things that remotely excite me are nice boobs (which are rare where I am) and nerdy men. If I could find a brilliant, sexy woman (which I have, just not currently accessible) I'd be set. However, a nerdy guy with boobs could be good enough for me. That's a strange statement.

I decided that I needed to shed the 10-15 lbs. I picked up over the winter, so since I can't walk around much, and am loathe to make up exercises to do in my room, I"m trying 4-6 weeks of the Atkins/protein/low carb diet. This means mostly tuna, summer sausage, processed cheese, stuff that's in commissary and full of who knows what. After delivery came on Friday I had a bed full of 3 1/2 pounds of meat, 2 pounds of fish, 1 pound of cheese and 2 pounds of seeds. Plus 4 pickled cucumbers, which mysteriously have no calories. How is that?

The one positive side of living in a cage is that I can have a fucked up haircut, no makeup, used clothes and tuna burps and I don't have to worry about trying to be cute for anyone or even embarrassed for myself. I feel like its too much work to be self conscious when I have much bigger problems to worry about.

I'm not fond of these pencils however here's a fun fact: the average pencil can write 45000 words or draw a line 3 miles long.

I wonder who took the time to do that experiment.

Peace,
Sarah