Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Allure of the Sociopath:
I recently wrote a blog entry referring to a USA Today article that references the allure of the sociopath.
The Allure of the Narcissist:
While narcissism is just one component of a sociopath, I found this article fascinating.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #73 + My Letter of Response
AT THE END OF HIS LETTER TO ME, I WILL POST MY LETTER IN RESPONSE TO HIS.]
Dear KK,
[P.S.: Please excuse my arrows & diversions on pg. 3--I don't have WINDOWS!]
As I write this, you are getting socked with about a foot of snow in this second major East coast snowstorm of the month. Guess you all managed to miss the first one. I know how much you love the snow and cold weather so I will picture you making snow angels in Central Park...Perhaps when hell itself freezes over? By Sunday (Valentines Day) New York should be sooo romantic, with a foot of five day old snow ground into a gray-black muck on the streets & sidewalks!
I love it when you start a letter with "I'll be quick"--because that usually means quite a lot to come...I do the same thing.
Once again, my apologies for a bit of a delay in responding to your fascinating letter. Cash flow/stamps.
Now to your letter written on your "beloved Saturday": Your panic attacks & OCD really do seem to hit you hard from time to time. OMG! I sound like you! In response to your question, I know a fair amount about panic attacks & panic anxiety & OCD. As usual, I will step way out of your constricted comfort zone and say that it sounds like you could greatly benefit from both talk therapy and judicious use of medications. I'm not up on the latest psychotropic meds, but my internist who writes keeps up-to-date on progress being made in treating anxiety & stress-related disorders. He says that both internists & family practitioners make many referrals and have many consultations with psychiatrists & psychologists- more than in the past, with the explosion in disorders & addictions & anxieties the past decades.
My God, Kelly---I could literally feel your panic & fear at loss of control *in your first paragraph-describing the endless problems with your floor & home..You write well on that subject, probably because you feel so acutely.
OK-if you can forgive me for daring to raise such issues, I will continue with your letter
*Once again, way out of your comfort zones: Loss of control and the total trust and giving of oneself to your partner/lover is essential to healthy & intense sexuality. Not just your mind, but surrendering control to bottom of your body---your most intimate of areas--to your partner. Men allowing themselves to be touched & caressed trusting her totally/Women even more so-wanting their man inside every part of their body trusting him to be gentle & loving with those "non vaginal" portions of their anatomy. Ok- I'll stop now - so much more to say should you ever choose...
The above is not even remotely prurient- I have far more detailed conversations all the time with those who write regularly- all highly intelligent like yourself. Sex and sexuality & intimacy are innate to life itself...Whenever the subject arises, we discuss in details....
As I said earlier, the "HOUSE" episode certainly had its shortcomings, but it did at least try to deal with the subject in an intelligent manner.
KK--your views on this seem much more absolute than has been my own view from both reading and experience. There are many degrees of "S" a long continuum of attitudes, behaviors & characters traits. The idea that you can determine such a thing from a checklist is just not credible.
I would disagree that a sociopath can "neither feel empathy or true love.": One can be "empathetic" to some people or things and not to others. Where is the line between love, obsessive love, or something that looks like any of the above, but is not...? You & I could have a long discussion on the exact meaning of this phrase! Many gradations, many shades of gray between pure while & pure darkness/evil!
Once again, you mention an absolutely fascinating story giving just enough details to whet the appetite and then say no more. You realize, that if you did that with your sexuallity what you could drive a man wild?! I'm referring, to your story of the man who you believe tried to harm you..."with something equally deadly".. I can think of twenty or more such toxins.
By far your most intriguing comment was that "you bear him no ill will." Say what? In any event, if ever the full story can be told, I would dearly love to hear it and comment upon it.
"All sociopaths have an extremely sexual nature." I would say only partially true and gender specific. Females, much more so. Some men---viciously abused as children - are absolutely crippled sexually/they end up with the sexual nature of a eunuch...again how to create a s_______.
[Ed.: I find it noteworthy that he does not type out the words "sociopathy" or "sociopath" and rather uses only "S" to refer to both. I also find it extremely noteworthy that he is disputing the sexual fixations most sociopaths (male too!) have when he, himself, has just displayed his sexual obsessiveness a paragraph above. I have told him time and time again I do not want to write about anything sexual, nor do I want him to and he breaks that boundary over and over. The mark of a sociopath....]
Obviously have only scratched the surface on this topic...
Yes, Tackmann was an amazing artist in a way!
So--Academy Awards are 7 MARCH. I saw an article that said the only real race is for Best Actress. I don't necessarily agree---but here's what was said. (You are a better judge, as you have seen (or will have seen) many of the films.)
[Ed.: omitting Oscar talk.)
Thanks for the EGO MONSTER article on the Edwards. Kelly, you can thank Lady Gaga for that title.
Kelly: As a woman with a kenn sense of human nature---I would love to hear your "take", your comments or both on the John Edwards scandal AND Tiger Woods.
Do you chalk it up to "all men are dogs?" When does narcissism turn into a degree of sociopathy? Referring to your previous comments---did Tiger ever really love Elin---he was having multiple affairs before and after this marriage. Did he simply use her to give himself a "family man" image?
Talk to me Kelly!
So much to get into about "Lost."
[Ed.: I am omitting Lost discussion and list of enclosures.]
Yours,
Michael
***
MY LETTER IN RESPONSE:
2/20/10
2pm
SAT (YAY!)
Hello.
I’ll try to get to everything in your letter. It has been a busy Sat. thus far and I’ll get to that too.
Here is a paste-in of what I had sent previously on TONTINE:
The Tontine - Complete in Vol 1 and 2 by Thomas B. Costain and Herbert Ryman (Hardcover - 1955)
Apparently this book is only available used online. and it is listed used only in hardcover. I assume you cannot get used books from Amazon because they come from actual people, not Amazon.com itself. I only buy my books this way or in used bookstores. I never pay full price or go to the bookstore or order online at one. They are just too expensive and I’m too poor. There is a great used bookstore by my house that has books for $1=$4 and because all the rich Upper East Siders read a lot and donate, I often get books that just came out for only a few bucks. They also often have Advanced Readers Copies of books not even out!
No more snow anywhere. It has melted and while not warm, it is nice out. No shivering. Can you explain “cash flow” in jail? How do you get money? Does the jail provide an income? I know you said you don’t have a job there… or does your family send you money?
Yes, I have had OCD since I was a little girl. Being raised by a schizophrenic mother makes a child long for some semblance of control. Most little kids have some degree of OCD in an effort to feel like they have some control over their environments. As they get older it decreases because they can exert real control over areas of their lives. Unfortunately, because of such topsy turviness in my upbringing, I can be extremely compulsive. I have been in therapy and have tried many meds for it, but honestly, it is usually just fine. It rears its ugly head in an extreme degree when something big happens---like the floor upheaval. I have a psychiatrist (I chose him because of his name: SALVAGE (great, huh?) and he has suggested due to this recent two weeks of panic that I keep some Klonopin on hand. I’m giving it a try. I hate Valium b/c it makes me sleepy. He says in the event of an extremely upsetting situation I could try this and it should allow me to remain alert.
While I agree that there are degrees or grayness in sociopathy, I think a very definite marked trait is the inability to have a conscience. I think sociopaths CAN be kind and can act empathetic, but the operative word is “act.” They can mimic love and sympathy but do not actually feel these things. They can show love and act loving, but again, acting is not actually being. Do you have a conscience? Do you feel (not asking if you can show) empathy? I know you know what those things are but I wonder if you really feel them in your core. BTW, I do not think the opposite of sociopathy is “goodness” and that sociopathy is equated with “evil.” “Sociopathy” is not a synonym for “bad.” It’s a condition, that because of its symptons, we find hard not to judge.
I’m sorry I can’t say more about the person who tried to harm me and could have ended up killing me. It’s a serious matter and one I am not at liberty to give details on. I hope to write about it someday and have even prepared an article to submit to NYT’s Modern Love column. Of course, it is just a creative project for now and I have no intentions of submitting it. I cannot even if I were inclined.
And to clarify, my saying sociopaths are sexual in nature does not mean I’m saying that all have lots of sexual activity. I’m only saying that they are fixated on sex. Even if they are “eunuchs” this preoccupation is something that allows them to manipulate and control those around them. Again, this is only my opinion and based solely on what I’ve read. I am not contending I have any medical background so I am always excited to hear what doctors have to say about this stuff.
Per your request:
District 9 is a science fiction thriller film released in 2009, directed by Neill Blomkamp. It was written by Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, and produced by Peter Jackson. The film stars Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope and David James. Copley plays the role of Wikus Van De Merwe,[3] an Afrikaner bureaucrat assigned to relocate a race of extraterrestrial creatures, derogatorily referred to as "prawns", from District 9, a military-guarded slum in Johannesburg, South Africa, to an internment camp outside the city. The movie was nominated for four Academy Awards in 2010, including Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, and Best Editing.[4]
The story, adapted from Alive in Joburg, a 2005 short film directed by Blomkamp and produced by Copley, pivots on the themes of xenophobia and social segregation. The title and premise of District 9 were inspired by events that took place in District Six, Cape Town during the apartheid era. The film was produced for $30 million and shot on location in Chiawelo, Soweto, presenting fictional interviews, news footage, and video from surveillance cameras in a part-mock documentary style format. A viral marketing campaign began in 2008, at the San Diego Comic-Con, while the theatrical trailer appeared in July 2009. Released by TriStar Pictures, the film opened to critical acclaim on August 14, 2009, in North America and earned $37 million in its opening weekend. Many saw the film as a "sleeper hit" for its relatively unknown cast and low-budget production, while achieving success and popularity during its theatrical run.
I saw the youtube clip of Tiger’s big apology yesterday. Most of the commentary actually says he is a sociopath. One writer said he said the right things with the right timing and the right FEIGNED expressions, but it all seemed extremely ACTED, and not really felt. I think he fits in with profile. Extremely charming, sexual acting out, reckless endangerment, narcissm, drug/alcohol abuse, failure to show empathy… Elin and his children (much like Drapers’ or Sopranos’) are possessions. He cares about them in so much as they are things he owns and wants to preserve. He doesn’t seem to genuinely care about what they feel. If he did, he’d feel so guilty he would have either stopped his bad behavior or sought treatment for it. The pain of conscience would have been so much more severe than the pleasure of the acts. He needs Elin (the perfect model wife) and his children to create the perfect image. If he were j ust a guy who liked to take pills and fuck a lot (hell, who doesn’t?) he could have easily gotten divorced, or never married in the first place. It’s this carefully crafted image and ACT that makes him so sociopathic. It’s the deception and manipulation that makes his actions pathological. They wouldn’t be so if he was just a guy who was a playboy but upfront about it.
Well, Mister Swango, I must resume my Saturday. I got up early to write about the economy---I can paste it in if you want… and headed to H&M because today was the launch of the Sonia Rykiel collection. I tried most of it on and was unimpressed in both design and quality. I give it a big FAIL. I then did a walkthrough of Good Will (nada) and got a coffee. Now I’m going to make some lunch and get ready to go to yoga. Later I’ll make a homemade broccoli soup from a recipe on the White House’s website. I have a Netflix to watch, Vogue mag to read, a dog to walk, two work projects/proposals to do and America’s Most Wanted and 48 Hour Mystery to view.
Last night I caught a new HBO show called How to Make it in America. It’s a 30-minute show about two shady characters trying to make it in the hip downtown Manhattan scene. It was really weird. Something off… the two main characters don’t seem to have any chemisty—a black urban fellow and a Jew we are supposed to believe is street smart. (His ex is played by Lake Bell.) Have you read anything about this show? I know you can’t see it as you don’t have HBO, but I wonder what your impressions were if you did in fact read about it.
Well, I supposed that is enough text for your eyeballs today.
Until next letter…
---KK
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #73
Dear Kelly,
Big storm headed your way this weekend, but right now they say you'll miss the worst of it.
Much to get to, including your super eventual* vintage postcard (Calder's Pregnant Whale, 1963) Where do you find these gems?
*In Stephen King's title story of his short story collection: Everything's Eventual there is a character who uses the word "eventual" in place of "awesome". THe sotry is a king classic---I think even you would like it, KK!
[Ed.: I'm cutting all the Lost commentary.]
***
Now to your cards and letter. I will try to adopt your style of brilliant but brief and pithy comments so as to get it all in. You are a woman with so many levels and interests that a lot of things I see and hear make me think of you.
>Hope the construction in and around your apt. bldg. is complete soon. Sounds like you are living in the London Blitz.
>Just seeing the adverts for "Bright Star" looked way too "costumey" & sappy. Plus no darkness or bleakness or nihilsm. I know, you go to movies to escape all that.
> The article from New Yorker about memoirs was most interesting. I really liked the historical context (Rousseau). Plus it mentioned your friend, Mr. Frey.
In RE: Your suggestion...you're looking past the tree into forest. KK---you should write your memoir based on your years of blogs. I will say a bit more about this later.
[Ed.: I suggested he write a memoir -- particularly about my crimes.]
However, if the book you propose were to ever be written, it would be definitely be with someone like yourself to put it all together.
>Jack Littman, defense atty extraordinaire has died of lymphoma at age 66. His obit was reprinted here. He was a New York legend. He handles the Robert Chambers "preppie murder case" in 1986. But in 1977 he "won" (manlaughter- no murder) an even tougher case: the death of Yale student Bonnie Joan Garland. Defendant was Richard Herrin.
>Oh, speaking of your favorite "S-word" personalities: I normally don't watch any of these true-crime/forensics shows--but E! has a new one "Too Young to Kill". I only saw a bit, but you could - also title it "How to Make a Sociopath" For a serious aficionada like yourself- you m ight check it out.
>Several strange (even for New York!) stories in the past week from your fair city:
- On the Upper West Side-- the bldg super who is a convicted child rapist & registered sex offender. Has keys & unlimited access to 50 apts in three buildings.
Hard to believe that will still be the case by the time you get this letter.
- And the woman who somehow managed to put a gash in a Picasso! You must tell me if she was interviewed locally.
>Await your comments on "FISH TANK". I read some more about Andrea Arnold's earlier film: "RED ROAD" --- you definitely need that one on your NETFLIX queue.
>Your "Washing Machine Chronicles" are hilarious. and well-written. And totally gives a vivid picture of what was going
* FOR the THIRD or FOURTH TIME, KK: I read a lot, far more than most folks: Your blogs/stories- put together in a book--would make a great book. A sort of memoir/slice of NYC life.
>IN RE: TZ episode "The Flooracle." The next time you're at the library (maybe it's on-line?) -- find a short story from the late 1800s title "The Yellow Wallpaper." Your story reminded me of that.
>Spot-on "NY TIMES" article on "e-snubs" by Neal Hirschfeld.
OK- must get this in the mail. More on writing in my next letter. Your take care and stay warm and stay away from both "Black Jesus" and "Black Satan." Write again soon---and talk to you soon.
Yer humble obedient servant,
Was reading some Dickens. You have to love those long, flowery greetings (Dear...) and closings in Victorian era letters!
Michael
Big storm headed your way this weekend, but right now they say you'll miss the worst of it.
Much to get to, including your super eventual* vintage postcard (Calder's Pregnant Whale, 1963) Where do you find these gems?
*In Stephen King's title story of his short story collection: Everything's Eventual there is a character who uses the word "eventual" in place of "awesome". THe sotry is a king classic---I think even you would like it, KK!
[Ed.: I'm cutting all the Lost commentary.]
***
Now to your cards and letter. I will try to adopt your style of brilliant but brief and pithy comments so as to get it all in. You are a woman with so many levels and interests that a lot of things I see and hear make me think of you.
>Hope the construction in and around your apt. bldg. is complete soon. Sounds like you are living in the London Blitz.
>Just seeing the adverts for "Bright Star" looked way too "costumey" & sappy. Plus no darkness or bleakness or nihilsm. I know, you go to movies to escape all that.
> The article from New Yorker about memoirs was most interesting. I really liked the historical context (Rousseau). Plus it mentioned your friend, Mr. Frey.
In RE: Your suggestion...you're looking past the tree into forest. KK---you should write your memoir based on your years of blogs. I will say a bit more about this later.
[Ed.: I suggested he write a memoir -- particularly about my crimes.]
However, if the book you propose were to ever be written, it would be definitely be with someone like yourself to put it all together.
>Jack Littman, defense atty extraordinaire has died of lymphoma at age 66. His obit was reprinted here. He was a New York legend. He handles the Robert Chambers "preppie murder case" in 1986. But in 1977 he "won" (manlaughter- no murder) an even tougher case: the death of Yale student Bonnie Joan Garland. Defendant was Richard Herrin.
>Oh, speaking of your favorite "S-word" personalities: I normally don't watch any of these true-crime/forensics shows--but E! has a new one "Too Young to Kill". I only saw a bit, but you could - also title it "How to Make a Sociopath" For a serious aficionada like yourself- you m ight check it out.
>Several strange (even for New York!) stories in the past week from your fair city:
- On the Upper West Side-- the bldg super who is a convicted child rapist & registered sex offender. Has keys & unlimited access to 50 apts in three buildings.
Hard to believe that will still be the case by the time you get this letter.
- And the woman who somehow managed to put a gash in a Picasso! You must tell me if she was interviewed locally.
>Await your comments on "FISH TANK". I read some more about Andrea Arnold's earlier film: "RED ROAD" --- you definitely need that one on your NETFLIX queue.
>Your "Washing Machine Chronicles" are hilarious. and well-written. And totally gives a vivid picture of what was going
* FOR the THIRD or FOURTH TIME, KK: I read a lot, far more than most folks: Your blogs/stories- put together in a book--would make a great book. A sort of memoir/slice of NYC life.
>IN RE: TZ episode "The Flooracle." The next time you're at the library (maybe it's on-line?) -- find a short story from the late 1800s title "The Yellow Wallpaper." Your story reminded me of that.
>Spot-on "NY TIMES" article on "e-snubs" by Neal Hirschfeld.
OK- must get this in the mail. More on writing in my next letter. Your take care and stay warm and stay away from both "Black Jesus" and "Black Satan." Write again soon---and talk to you soon.
Yer humble obedient servant,
Was reading some Dickens. You have to love those long, flowery greetings (Dear...) and closings in Victorian era letters!
Michael
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Justin Barber, #3
Hi Kelly,
I hope you're well. Two of your letters arrived recently. Thanks for writing and sorry for my delayed response. Frankly, I'm often simply unable to harness my thoughts and emotions, and focus them inot positive communication. I don't like dumping my problems on others, so when I'm down I tend to withdraw. So please don't take my tardy reply as a sign that I don't appreciate you writing. And thanks too, for the pic. It does help to put a face with the words in your letter. You asked about stickers to seal the envelopes. Stickers are prohibited, although you may use scotch tape. To answer your questions about the mail room here. Yes, they read the incoming and outgoing mail, but technically they're supposed to "scan" the mail for inappropriate subjects (escape, introduction of contraband, witness/victim intimidation, etc.) With 1400 inmates and only a couple of mail workers, time is probably the most effective deterant to them actually "reading" the mail. It must be an interesting job at times, considering the intimate, explicit letters that come though here. Other than that, the job must be a real snoozer. You said you would send some of your more benign stories; you shouldn't worry about the content, if It's publishable in a NYC paper, it isn't too graphic for Century CI. I'm impressed with your writin gand your good fortune in recent contests! The 6-word memoirs are amusing. In "Our doorman see everything, say nothing." do you mean to imply that the doormen are discreet and will not gossip, or that the doormen will tell what they see, therefor you should say nothing in front of them? In trying to honor your request for me to try a 6-word memoir, I quickly realized that I'm in a very dark lace. Realized isn't the right word--I was reminded that my existence is undesireable in the extreme. Every memoir that came to mind seemed negative and self-pitying (is that even a word?) Five + years of incarneration have no improved my vocab or grammar. So I've been struggling to put a positive spin on things which is a good exercise since I hate thinking of myself as a victim or otherwise dwelling on negatives beyond my control or influence.
Justice elusive when belief trumps truth.
or
Never explain. Friends believe. Enemies won't.
The second one isn't "original"; I've read something along those lines before. Not exactly postive messages, but they're sunnier than my discarded efforts. I'll try to come up with some 6-word memoirs that generally describe prison life later. It'll be a challenge, since "normal" people have serious misconceptions (thanks to TV and movies undoubtedly) or prison life, and an accurate 6-word descriptionm will be difficult.
Endless lines. Endless time. Nothing accomplished.
That doesn't really work. Endless lines refers to the literal hours spend daily standing in line, but if I need to explain, the memoir doesn't work. I'll work on it.
I share your feelings about Florida. The state slogan should be: Come on vacation, leave on probation. Hey, that six words! Hate the place, but then I have good reason to. Anyway, I much prefer to the mountains to the beach . The sounds and smells of the beach still disturb me. Well at least they did the last time I was near a beach (probably 2003 or 2004.) I took up snowboarding in 2003 while living in Portland, OR. I found a small degree of peace, no, peace is too strong. I found comfort in the mountains. Seemed clean, especially after a recent snow. Lots of space, fresh breeze. Good therapy, I guess.
Hey, I need to close. It's time to lock-down for head count---they count us every few hours. I'll mail this and try to address some of your other questions later.
Take care,
Justin
I hope you're well. Two of your letters arrived recently. Thanks for writing and sorry for my delayed response. Frankly, I'm often simply unable to harness my thoughts and emotions, and focus them inot positive communication. I don't like dumping my problems on others, so when I'm down I tend to withdraw. So please don't take my tardy reply as a sign that I don't appreciate you writing. And thanks too, for the pic. It does help to put a face with the words in your letter. You asked about stickers to seal the envelopes. Stickers are prohibited, although you may use scotch tape. To answer your questions about the mail room here. Yes, they read the incoming and outgoing mail, but technically they're supposed to "scan" the mail for inappropriate subjects (escape, introduction of contraband, witness/victim intimidation, etc.) With 1400 inmates and only a couple of mail workers, time is probably the most effective deterant to them actually "reading" the mail. It must be an interesting job at times, considering the intimate, explicit letters that come though here. Other than that, the job must be a real snoozer. You said you would send some of your more benign stories; you shouldn't worry about the content, if It's publishable in a NYC paper, it isn't too graphic for Century CI. I'm impressed with your writin gand your good fortune in recent contests! The 6-word memoirs are amusing. In "Our doorman see everything, say nothing." do you mean to imply that the doormen are discreet and will not gossip, or that the doormen will tell what they see, therefor you should say nothing in front of them? In trying to honor your request for me to try a 6-word memoir, I quickly realized that I'm in a very dark lace. Realized isn't the right word--I was reminded that my existence is undesireable in the extreme. Every memoir that came to mind seemed negative and self-pitying (is that even a word?) Five + years of incarneration have no improved my vocab or grammar. So I've been struggling to put a positive spin on things which is a good exercise since I hate thinking of myself as a victim or otherwise dwelling on negatives beyond my control or influence.
Justice elusive when belief trumps truth.
or
Never explain. Friends believe. Enemies won't.
The second one isn't "original"; I've read something along those lines before. Not exactly postive messages, but they're sunnier than my discarded efforts. I'll try to come up with some 6-word memoirs that generally describe prison life later. It'll be a challenge, since "normal" people have serious misconceptions (thanks to TV and movies undoubtedly) or prison life, and an accurate 6-word descriptionm will be difficult.
Endless lines. Endless time. Nothing accomplished.
That doesn't really work. Endless lines refers to the literal hours spend daily standing in line, but if I need to explain, the memoir doesn't work. I'll work on it.
I share your feelings about Florida. The state slogan should be: Come on vacation, leave on probation. Hey, that six words! Hate the place, but then I have good reason to. Anyway, I much prefer to the mountains to the beach . The sounds and smells of the beach still disturb me. Well at least they did the last time I was near a beach (probably 2003 or 2004.) I took up snowboarding in 2003 while living in Portland, OR. I found a small degree of peace, no, peace is too strong. I found comfort in the mountains. Seemed clean, especially after a recent snow. Lots of space, fresh breeze. Good therapy, I guess.
Hey, I need to close. It's time to lock-down for head count---they count us every few hours. I'll mail this and try to address some of your other questions later.
Take care,
Justin
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Barton Corbin, #5
Kelly,
You doing good? Sorry for my tardiness (again). It's pretty dull here these days also. It has been m ore mental fatigue here from detail and the services and classes I attend, besides trying to do my usual.
It was nicer here also for a minute, but the cold and wet are back since this is close to the mountains. I miss an occasional massage also. I would discuss what we eat here but most of the time I can't tell that either. :)
Prison is stressful (what's why we smoke) but maybe in different ways than the public knows. Boredom is #1. It can be dangerous but alot of that depends on how one carries himself. As in the outside world, the weak are picked on first and the old. Luckily I am not small or young anymore (I guess). Also, like the outside world, there is an infatuation with celebrity. As much as I hate notoriety I started out with "rep", confirmed it in some instances, and have had little problem since. I'm not tough, but you just have to let them know you aren't going to lay down from the beginning. That can be problematic with some of these younger, faster ones these days.
Punishment is a large element, but correction should include proportioned rehabilitation. Very little is available here. The fact remains that most here will see outside again and what? A stronger, smarter criminal?
Since this is a maximum security prison of course many are violent offenders and education level in general is low. A dentist, like anyone else, needs to be humble or some "hater" upstart may "try" them. You have many here who were never anything in the real world but prison is like their "makeover" opportunity and they think they are going to be some tough stereotype. Posers abound.
I don't usually (ever) discuss my case, especially in specifics. I plead because I was scared into it by a death penalty threat. It's coercion and anything the DA said are their made-up conclusions. People's idea of justice today is really just choice for closure's sake; many times at the expense of fairness. Some things don't have an obvious answer, can't be solved. People's small minds can't contemplate "what" or "why" without appealing to their deductive abilities. Of course that is dependant on their intelligence and experience also. I can't elaborate on my case for I am exploring issues in it and am not free to do so. I never have and anyone who claims otherwise is a liar. Others talk; I maintain. They pose; I"m for real.
I like yoga (what little I've taught myself in here) but they took my book of it when I left county jail. It's good for you. It's meditational, calming, and I need the core and flexibility work. I don't teach it here like Martha Stewart, but this is a real prison. :)
We have some good officers here (but they are still the police) but we have some whose self-esteem is dependant on their abusing their authority. This can be expected but unfortunately the cowards exercise it on the more civilized population and are a no-show with the more troublesome population. If you just try to do your time and stay out of problems you can be seen by the ignorant ones as "soft" or that you have all the money and they don't. If you are in certain dorms the chow hall workers will short you on your servings or talk trash because they hate based on their own misconceptions.
Then they have the nerve to think and accuse you of bias towards them. My sense is that they have in general always been screw-ups and their families just finally quit on them.
This is not for everyone; of course we probably have some real poor. But everyone has a story, but none ever start with that they messed up. In many ways it is a grown-up, violent kindergarten. Even I like to see the snitches and child molesters get it but it doesn't happen enough. That is when I wish it was more "chain gang" than it is. Violence usually is grounded in some mitigating circumstance, theft, retaliation, etc. It is seldom random.
I am not reading any books now. I am waiting to watch The Bourne Ultimatum and Super Bad tonight. I guess it is movie night. No popcorn or candy though. I miss my Jordan Almonds. :)
With the new warden they are going to audit our prison in March so they are reviewing everyone's security. I am medium but several I know have been reduced to minimum who have my same charges and work record and have disciplinary reports. I have none. It is only significant to me now to keep myself eligible for any special details or program that I might miss out on w/ a higher security disqualified me. I can't be any better than I am and don't snitch. :)
Well it is close to show time so I will cease here. Thanks again for thinking of me and I apologize for boring you. Maybe that gives you a sense of how I feel here. Be good or good at it and write sooner than me. :)
Bart
You doing good? Sorry for my tardiness (again). It's pretty dull here these days also. It has been m ore mental fatigue here from detail and the services and classes I attend, besides trying to do my usual.
It was nicer here also for a minute, but the cold and wet are back since this is close to the mountains. I miss an occasional massage also. I would discuss what we eat here but most of the time I can't tell that either. :)
Prison is stressful (what's why we smoke) but maybe in different ways than the public knows. Boredom is #1. It can be dangerous but alot of that depends on how one carries himself. As in the outside world, the weak are picked on first and the old. Luckily I am not small or young anymore (I guess). Also, like the outside world, there is an infatuation with celebrity. As much as I hate notoriety I started out with "rep", confirmed it in some instances, and have had little problem since. I'm not tough, but you just have to let them know you aren't going to lay down from the beginning. That can be problematic with some of these younger, faster ones these days.
Punishment is a large element, but correction should include proportioned rehabilitation. Very little is available here. The fact remains that most here will see outside again and what? A stronger, smarter criminal?
Since this is a maximum security prison of course many are violent offenders and education level in general is low. A dentist, like anyone else, needs to be humble or some "hater" upstart may "try" them. You have many here who were never anything in the real world but prison is like their "makeover" opportunity and they think they are going to be some tough stereotype. Posers abound.
I don't usually (ever) discuss my case, especially in specifics. I plead because I was scared into it by a death penalty threat. It's coercion and anything the DA said are their made-up conclusions. People's idea of justice today is really just choice for closure's sake; many times at the expense of fairness. Some things don't have an obvious answer, can't be solved. People's small minds can't contemplate "what" or "why" without appealing to their deductive abilities. Of course that is dependant on their intelligence and experience also. I can't elaborate on my case for I am exploring issues in it and am not free to do so. I never have and anyone who claims otherwise is a liar. Others talk; I maintain. They pose; I"m for real.
I like yoga (what little I've taught myself in here) but they took my book of it when I left county jail. It's good for you. It's meditational, calming, and I need the core and flexibility work. I don't teach it here like Martha Stewart, but this is a real prison. :)
We have some good officers here (but they are still the police) but we have some whose self-esteem is dependant on their abusing their authority. This can be expected but unfortunately the cowards exercise it on the more civilized population and are a no-show with the more troublesome population. If you just try to do your time and stay out of problems you can be seen by the ignorant ones as "soft" or that you have all the money and they don't. If you are in certain dorms the chow hall workers will short you on your servings or talk trash because they hate based on their own misconceptions.
Then they have the nerve to think and accuse you of bias towards them. My sense is that they have in general always been screw-ups and their families just finally quit on them.
This is not for everyone; of course we probably have some real poor. But everyone has a story, but none ever start with that they messed up. In many ways it is a grown-up, violent kindergarten. Even I like to see the snitches and child molesters get it but it doesn't happen enough. That is when I wish it was more "chain gang" than it is. Violence usually is grounded in some mitigating circumstance, theft, retaliation, etc. It is seldom random.
I am not reading any books now. I am waiting to watch The Bourne Ultimatum and Super Bad tonight. I guess it is movie night. No popcorn or candy though. I miss my Jordan Almonds. :)
With the new warden they are going to audit our prison in March so they are reviewing everyone's security. I am medium but several I know have been reduced to minimum who have my same charges and work record and have disciplinary reports. I have none. It is only significant to me now to keep myself eligible for any special details or program that I might miss out on w/ a higher security disqualified me. I can't be any better than I am and don't snitch. :)
Well it is close to show time so I will cease here. Thanks again for thinking of me and I apologize for boring you. Maybe that gives you a sense of how I feel here. Be good or good at it and write sooner than me. :)
Bart
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #27
Dear Kelly,
I sent off for specific instructions to join the PEN mentoring program. I think I will enter a chapter from the book I am writing. It says you can't enter something that is already published, but not something that may be published later. Besides, I've seen where authors publish their stuff as short stories, in magazines, etc. and later make them into a book. Either that or I'll write a chapter that won't make it in verbatim. I have a real good 18 page excerpt I'd like to put in.
I'm also committed to writing something for The Sun. Maybe I'll spend hte next few days on the Last Word. That could be interesting.
I also have a good idea for TEENAGERS, not due until May. I am feeling really sad today and that always brings out my creativity.
I didn't get into trouble over the article you sent, just verbally reprimanded. No big deal. You didn't know any better. I used to do soap carvings in jail and these girls can maek roses and stuff out of toilet paper. I used that paper mache technique to clog up the cold air vent. Some chicks used it to make dildos. True story. (covered in a rubber glove once dried.)
You asked about people around me. Well, they come in all varieties. Most are just normal people, but I guess that depends on your idea of normal. There are drunks and drug addicts, soccor moms, waitresses, nurses, and I met a doctor once. Factory workers, houseswives, lawyer's wives. Lost of women who got into the CJS young--18-23, for big crimes, usually by a man who drug them into it. We have DUIs, drug dealing, robbery, murder, child molesting, forgery, thefts, battery, drug possession, manslaughter, criminal recklessness, fraud.
*Will you make a list of questions or areas you'd like my memoir to cover?
The guy writing the book is a freelance journalist who writes for People Magazine and a Texas Watchdog paper. He wrote on other true crime novel about a guy who cut up his wife in Michigan. HIs name is Steve Miller. I don't want him to write it, but I don't think it will say lots of awful stuff---he's pretty objective. I've met him twice. I dont' know if my ex will talk to him. I don't worry. I was who I was. My co-defendant Richard Hull is in prison in Pendleton, I think. The people he killed did live with us. It was his best friend Drew and his girlfriend, Trish.
How did the washing machine incident turn out? I can't believe you took off 3 wheels rather than replace the one wheel. You could've propped it up with just about anything. Did you hide it in your bedroom closet while mgmt. fixed the tiles?
I wonder what Mini thinks of your fiascos.
I'm hoping to get an extended visit on V-Day from my friend Kye, then see my mom the next day, and if I'm lucky my friend Jen will be approved by then and I'll see her soon. I sure miss my friends whom I can't see or talk to. Some of the best people you'll discover during the worst times of your life.
What's new and laughable in your world?
Take care,
Sarah
I sent off for specific instructions to join the PEN mentoring program. I think I will enter a chapter from the book I am writing. It says you can't enter something that is already published, but not something that may be published later. Besides, I've seen where authors publish their stuff as short stories, in magazines, etc. and later make them into a book. Either that or I'll write a chapter that won't make it in verbatim. I have a real good 18 page excerpt I'd like to put in.
I'm also committed to writing something for The Sun. Maybe I'll spend hte next few days on the Last Word. That could be interesting.
I also have a good idea for TEENAGERS, not due until May. I am feeling really sad today and that always brings out my creativity.
I didn't get into trouble over the article you sent, just verbally reprimanded. No big deal. You didn't know any better. I used to do soap carvings in jail and these girls can maek roses and stuff out of toilet paper. I used that paper mache technique to clog up the cold air vent. Some chicks used it to make dildos. True story. (covered in a rubber glove once dried.)
You asked about people around me. Well, they come in all varieties. Most are just normal people, but I guess that depends on your idea of normal. There are drunks and drug addicts, soccor moms, waitresses, nurses, and I met a doctor once. Factory workers, houseswives, lawyer's wives. Lost of women who got into the CJS young--18-23, for big crimes, usually by a man who drug them into it. We have DUIs, drug dealing, robbery, murder, child molesting, forgery, thefts, battery, drug possession, manslaughter, criminal recklessness, fraud.
*Will you make a list of questions or areas you'd like my memoir to cover?
The guy writing the book is a freelance journalist who writes for People Magazine and a Texas Watchdog paper. He wrote on other true crime novel about a guy who cut up his wife in Michigan. HIs name is Steve Miller. I don't want him to write it, but I don't think it will say lots of awful stuff---he's pretty objective. I've met him twice. I dont' know if my ex will talk to him. I don't worry. I was who I was. My co-defendant Richard Hull is in prison in Pendleton, I think. The people he killed did live with us. It was his best friend Drew and his girlfriend, Trish.
How did the washing machine incident turn out? I can't believe you took off 3 wheels rather than replace the one wheel. You could've propped it up with just about anything. Did you hide it in your bedroom closet while mgmt. fixed the tiles?
I wonder what Mini thinks of your fiascos.
I'm hoping to get an extended visit on V-Day from my friend Kye, then see my mom the next day, and if I'm lucky my friend Jen will be approved by then and I'll see her soon. I sure miss my friends whom I can't see or talk to. Some of the best people you'll discover during the worst times of your life.
What's new and laughable in your world?
Take care,
Sarah
