Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #73 + My Letter of Response

AT THE END OF HIS LETTER TO ME, I WILL POST MY LETTER IN RESPONSE TO HIS.]

Dear KK,

[P.S.: Please excuse my arrows & diversions on pg. 3--I don't have WINDOWS!]

As I write this, you are getting socked with about a foot of snow in this second major East coast snowstorm of the month. Guess you all managed to miss the first one. I know how much you love the snow and cold weather so I will picture you making snow angels in Central Park...Perhaps when hell itself freezes over? By Sunday (Valentines Day) New York should be sooo romantic, with a foot of five day old snow ground into a gray-black muck on the streets & sidewalks!

I love it when you start a letter with "I'll be quick"--because that usually means quite a lot to come...I do the same thing.

Once again, my apologies for a bit of a delay in responding to your fascinating letter. Cash flow/stamps.

Now to your letter written on your "beloved Saturday": Your panic attacks & OCD really do seem to hit you hard from time to time. OMG! I sound like you! In response to your question, I know a fair amount about panic attacks & panic anxiety & OCD. As usual, I will step way out of your constricted comfort zone and say that it sounds like you could greatly benefit from both talk therapy and judicious use of medications. I'm not up on the latest psychotropic meds, but my internist who writes keeps up-to-date on progress being made in treating anxiety & stress-related disorders. He says that both internists & family practitioners make many referrals and have many consultations with psychiatrists & psychologists- more than in the past, with the explosion in disorders & addictions & anxieties the past decades.

My God, Kelly---I could literally feel your panic & fear at loss of control *in your first paragraph-describing the endless problems with your floor & home..You write well on that subject, probably because you feel so acutely.

OK-if you can forgive me for daring to raise such issues, I will continue with your letter

*Once again, way out of your comfort zones: Loss of control and the total trust and giving of oneself to your partner/lover is essential to healthy & intense sexuality. Not just your mind, but surrendering control to bottom of your body---your most intimate of areas--to your partner. Men allowing themselves to be touched & caressed trusting her totally/Women even more so-wanting their man inside every part of their body trusting him to be gentle & loving with those "non vaginal" portions of their anatomy. Ok- I'll stop now - so much more to say should you ever choose...

The above is not even remotely prurient- I have far more detailed conversations all the time with those who write regularly- all highly intelligent like yourself. Sex and sexuality & intimacy are innate to life itself...Whenever the subject arises, we discuss in details....

As I said earlier, the "HOUSE" episode certainly had its shortcomings, but it did at least try to deal with the subject in an intelligent manner.

KK--your views on this seem much more absolute than has been my own view from both reading and experience. There are many degrees of "S" a long continuum of attitudes, behaviors & characters traits. The idea that you can determine such a thing from a checklist is just not credible.

I would disagree that a sociopath can "neither feel empathy or true love.": One can be "empathetic" to some people or things and not to others. Where is the line between love, obsessive love, or something that looks like any of the above, but is not...? You & I could have a long discussion on the exact meaning of this phrase! Many gradations, many shades of gray between pure while & pure darkness/evil!

Once again, you mention an absolutely fascinating story giving just enough details to whet the appetite and then say no more. You realize, that if you did that with your sexuallity what you could drive a man wild?! I'm referring, to your story of the man who you believe tried to harm you..."with something equally deadly".. I can think of twenty or more such toxins.

By far your most intriguing comment was that "you bear him no ill will." Say what? In any event, if ever the full story can be told, I would dearly love to hear it and comment upon it.

"All sociopaths have an extremely sexual nature." I would say only partially true and gender specific. Females, much more so. Some men---viciously abused as children - are absolutely crippled sexually/they end up with the sexual nature of a eunuch...again how to create a s_______.

[Ed.: I find it noteworthy that he does not type out the words "sociopathy" or "sociopath" and rather uses only "S" to refer to both. I also find it extremely noteworthy that he is disputing the sexual fixations most sociopaths (male too!) have when he, himself, has just displayed his sexual obsessiveness a paragraph above. I have told him time and time again I do not want to write about anything sexual, nor do I want him to and he breaks that boundary over and over. The mark of a sociopath....]

Obviously have only scratched the surface on this topic...

Yes, Tackmann was an amazing artist in a way!

So--Academy Awards are 7 MARCH. I saw an article that said the only real race is for Best Actress. I don't necessarily agree---but here's what was said. (You are a better judge, as you have seen (or will have seen) many of the films.)

[Ed.: omitting Oscar talk.)

Thanks for the EGO MONSTER article on the Edwards. Kelly, you can thank Lady Gaga for that title.

Kelly: As a woman with a kenn sense of human nature---I would love to hear your "take", your comments or both on the John Edwards scandal AND Tiger Woods.

Do you chalk it up to "all men are dogs?" When does narcissism turn into a degree of sociopathy? Referring to your previous comments---did Tiger ever really love Elin---he was having multiple affairs before and after this marriage. Did he simply use her to give himself a "family man" image?

Talk to me Kelly!

So much to get into about "Lost."

[Ed.: I am omitting Lost discussion and list of enclosures.]

Yours,

Michael



***

MY LETTER IN RESPONSE:



2/20/10

2pm

SAT (YAY!)



Hello.



I’ll try to get to everything in your letter. It has been a busy Sat. thus far and I’ll get to that too.



Here is a paste-in of what I had sent previously on TONTINE:

The Tontine - Complete in Vol 1 and 2 by Thomas B. Costain and Herbert Ryman (Hardcover - 1955)

Apparently this book is only available used online. and it is listed used only in hardcover. I assume you cannot get used books from Amazon because they come from actual people, not Amazon.com itself. I only buy my books this way or in used bookstores. I never pay full price or go to the bookstore or order online at one. They are just too expensive and I’m too poor. There is a great used bookstore by my house that has books for $1=$4 and because all the rich Upper East Siders read a lot and donate, I often get books that just came out for only a few bucks. They also often have Advanced Readers Copies of books not even out!



No more snow anywhere. It has melted and while not warm, it is nice out. No shivering. Can you explain “cash flow” in jail? How do you get money? Does the jail provide an income? I know you said you don’t have a job there… or does your family send you money?



Yes, I have had OCD since I was a little girl. Being raised by a schizophrenic mother makes a child long for some semblance of control. Most little kids have some degree of OCD in an effort to feel like they have some control over their environments. As they get older it decreases because they can exert real control over areas of their lives. Unfortunately, because of such topsy turviness in my upbringing, I can be extremely compulsive. I have been in therapy and have tried many meds for it, but honestly, it is usually just fine. It rears its ugly head in an extreme degree when something big happens---like the floor upheaval. I have a psychiatrist (I chose him because of his name: SALVAGE (great, huh?) and he has suggested due to this recent two weeks of panic that I keep some Klonopin on hand. I’m giving it a try. I hate Valium b/c it makes me sleepy. He says in the event of an extremely upsetting situation I could try this and it should allow me to remain alert.



While I agree that there are degrees or grayness in sociopathy, I think a very definite marked trait is the inability to have a conscience. I think sociopaths CAN be kind and can act empathetic, but the operative word is “act.” They can mimic love and sympathy but do not actually feel these things. They can show love and act loving, but again, acting is not actually being. Do you have a conscience? Do you feel (not asking if you can show) empathy? I know you know what those things are but I wonder if you really feel them in your core. BTW, I do not think the opposite of sociopathy is “goodness” and that sociopathy is equated with “evil.” “Sociopathy” is not a synonym for “bad.” It’s a condition, that because of its symptons, we find hard not to judge.



I’m sorry I can’t say more about the person who tried to harm me and could have ended up killing me. It’s a serious matter and one I am not at liberty to give details on. I hope to write about it someday and have even prepared an article to submit to NYT’s Modern Love column. Of course, it is just a creative project for now and I have no intentions of submitting it. I cannot even if I were inclined.



And to clarify, my saying sociopaths are sexual in nature does not mean I’m saying that all have lots of sexual activity. I’m only saying that they are fixated on sex. Even if they are “eunuchs” this preoccupation is something that allows them to manipulate and control those around them. Again, this is only my opinion and based solely on what I’ve read. I am not contending I have any medical background so I am always excited to hear what doctors have to say about this stuff.



Per your request:



District 9 is a science fiction thriller film released in 2009, directed by Neill Blomkamp. It was written by Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell, and produced by Peter Jackson. The film stars Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope and David James. Copley plays the role of Wikus Van De Merwe,[3] an Afrikaner bureaucrat assigned to relocate a race of extraterrestrial creatures, derogatorily referred to as "prawns", from District 9, a military-guarded slum in Johannesburg, South Africa, to an internment camp outside the city. The movie was nominated for four Academy Awards in 2010, including Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, and Best Editing.[4]

The story, adapted from Alive in Joburg, a 2005 short film directed by Blomkamp and produced by Copley, pivots on the themes of xenophobia and social segregation. The title and premise of District 9 were inspired by events that took place in District Six, Cape Town during the apartheid era. The film was produced for $30 million and shot on location in Chiawelo, Soweto, presenting fictional interviews, news footage, and video from surveillance cameras in a part-mock documentary style format. A viral marketing campaign began in 2008, at the San Diego Comic-Con, while the theatrical trailer appeared in July 2009. Released by TriStar Pictures, the film opened to critical acclaim on August 14, 2009, in North America and earned $37 million in its opening weekend. Many saw the film as a "sleeper hit" for its relatively unknown cast and low-budget production, while achieving success and popularity during its theatrical run.

I saw the youtube clip of Tiger’s big apology yesterday. Most of the commentary actually says he is a sociopath. One writer said he said the right things with the right timing and the right FEIGNED expressions, but it all seemed extremely ACTED, and not really felt. I think he fits in with profile. Extremely charming, sexual acting out, reckless endangerment, narcissm, drug/alcohol abuse, failure to show empathy… Elin and his children (much like Drapers’ or Sopranos’) are possessions. He cares about them in so much as they are things he owns and wants to preserve. He doesn’t seem to genuinely care about what they feel. If he did, he’d feel so guilty he would have either stopped his bad behavior or sought treatment for it. The pain of conscience would have been so much more severe than the pleasure of the acts. He needs Elin (the perfect model wife) and his children to create the perfect image. If he were j ust a guy who liked to take pills and fuck a lot (hell, who doesn’t?) he could have easily gotten divorced, or never married in the first place. It’s this carefully crafted image and ACT that makes him so sociopathic. It’s the deception and manipulation that makes his actions pathological. They wouldn’t be so if he was just a guy who was a playboy but upfront about it.



Well, Mister Swango, I must resume my Saturday. I got up early to write about the economy---I can paste it in if you want… and headed to H&M because today was the launch of the Sonia Rykiel collection. I tried most of it on and was unimpressed in both design and quality. I give it a big FAIL. I then did a walkthrough of Good Will (nada) and got a coffee. Now I’m going to make some lunch and get ready to go to yoga. Later I’ll make a homemade broccoli soup from a recipe on the White House’s website. I have a Netflix to watch, Vogue mag to read, a dog to walk, two work projects/proposals to do and America’s Most Wanted and 48 Hour Mystery to view.



Last night I caught a new HBO show called How to Make it in America. It’s a 30-minute show about two shady characters trying to make it in the hip downtown Manhattan scene. It was really weird. Something off… the two main characters don’t seem to have any chemisty—a black urban fellow and a Jew we are supposed to believe is street smart. (His ex is played by Lake Bell.) Have you read anything about this show? I know you can’t see it as you don’t have HBO, but I wonder what your impressions were if you did in fact read about it.



Well, I supposed that is enough text for your eyeballs today.



Until next letter…



---KK