Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #8

Kelly,

Got some pictures & found a couple duplicated and thought you'd like them. Dewey is one o the dogs I trained at Rockville when I was in the ICAN Program. We train dogs to assist handicapped people, specifically children, using positive reinforcement methods. Some handicaps include cerebral palsy, MS, paralysis, seizures, old people w/physical limitations, or even severe depression. Some become therapy dogs, used for physical rehab-range of motion exercises. An excellent program. I was in it for two years at Rockville, while I also earned my BS in Business Management. I loved those dogs. And I loved learning. I was blessed with opportunities for a while. I look forward to new opportunities ahead.

I hope you are well. Take care.

Sarah
***

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #28

Dear KK---

Let me begin with your fascinating and touching and not at all "boring" sketch of "Kelly K: The Early Years." Please forgive the parentheticals & brackets--but we share quite a few things in common:

Having a mentally ill parent is about as brutal as it gets, especially with difficult to treat, and dangerous, paranoid schizophrenia. [KK--not sure if you know that when I was in StonyBrook, I was a resident in Psychiatry]. No telephone says it all.

Two more questions: Did you grow up in New York City or elsewhere? Did you have any brothers or sisters to help you cope? [You probably know, I have three brothers--that part of my "internet bio" is at least accurate!]

Three packs of Marlboro Reds a day? I'll call your Marlboro X 3, and raise you 3 packs of unfiltered Camels a day by my mom & dad.

A few comments on growing up in a heavy smoking household: Some of my earliest memories are seeing those ubiquitous camel symbols on the cigarette packs, which were everywhere. Like your mom & grandmother, they never smoked anything else. [Apparently, even in Vietnam, where my father spent much of his life from 1961-1975, there was an endless supply of unfiltered camels.] Another memory: coffee cups half-filled with two or three cigarette butts floating in the cold coffee. Just lovely!

And of course, there is the smell. True story: when I was a child we went to a fellow Army officer's house with our parents. This officer & his wife were both militant non-smokers [very unusual at the time], with no ash-trays in their house. We were in the house for a few minutes when my older brother said "Mommy-this place smells funny!" We were so used to the smoke smell permeating everything in our house--we didn't know any different.

One more story: Years later, I lived as an adult in the same town as my mother. I could be in the aisle of a grocery store, hear someone coughing in the next aisle--and know it was her. That is both sad & scary.

By the way, for whatever reason, I was the only one of my brothers who did not become a smoker. Ironic, considering the current circumstances. At least one of them, however, quit a long time ago.

And yes, there is no doubt in my mind that smoking forever was a major contributor to my mother's mini-stroke dementia & death. My father's death was more related to alcohol, but I doubt Mr. Camel helped.

You see, your story is not "boring" at all--and it stimulates much thought and memory... Continuing on: You & I both apparently read voluminously as children & teens/and liked the structure of school and did well..

I would have loved to have met you in 1993 when you graduated from college, even though it was clearly a bad & dangerous time for you and your mother. Were you in New York at that time? I'm impressed though not surprised by your work & career progress after having to abandon your plans for grad school. You are such a survivor and such a vibrant, energetic woman, KK.

I must admit my knowledge of interstitial cystitis is fairly limited. Obviously, a much more serious condition than the "routine" bladder infection or UTI--or "honeymoon" cystitis. Not sure if there is a medication you can take, but I'm so glad you seem to be able to live with it. Along with those migraines...TLC thoughts coming your way with each letter...

So like I said: NOT boring, not a "whiny" woman with a bad childhood. Inspiring and pretty amazing, KK. I like you even more. You are a special woman--and I mean that.

Now, returning to your letters:

As I mentioned before, when I arrived in Africa I landed at Ground Zero of the Sub-Saharan AIDS pandemic. If you've read about or seen the grim HIV/AIDS wards at San Francisco General Hospital or the big NYC hospitals anytime from the early 80s to the mid-90s [before the life-saving retro-viral "cocktails"] --imagine that times ten with a lack of all but the most rudimentary medical care. That was sub-Saharan African in the 1990s.

I say this because I have had some harrowing HIV/AIDS stories--most of them grimly tragic. It is almost a miracle that I did not contract it while in Africa--we assumed everyone was HIV+ and double-gloved for all medical procedures and in the OR. Since you still seem uncomfortable, I won't discuss sexual practices and sexual couplings from that time--mine and others--but that part of the story is illuminating as well.

Would very much like to hear your "HIV story"--and if I have to wait a year or two then so be it. I doubt if there is any variation of the HIV/AIDS pandemic and its sexual transmission, blood transmission, etc. that I have not seen or heard, but you may surprise me.

You already know my story & passionate feelings on the almost criminal negligence in the USA to the AIDS pandemic in the 1980s--as described by the late Randy Shilts in And The Band Played On. I have much more to say on this--but again, I don't want to bore you!! But please, any questions you have on the topic of HIV/AIDS--here or in Africa-please feel free to ask...Talk to me, KK. I am curious if you have many friends who have HIV/AIDS and are on the cocktail. As you surely know, it is not the easy treatment that many people think it is. And despite the cocktail, people--especially the poor--still die of AIDS every day in this country. OK-off my soapbox for now.

***

Being circumspect but still trying to answer your questions...No roommates, minimal interaction [that's really the whole point]. A wide variety of folks...

I agree with you (of course) that the "LOST" finale was awesome. So many questions on Jacob and the "loophole" and the two John Locke's. I have a story on the finale I will send in an upcoming letter, plus some comments of my own, including a tip of the hat to the "horror" writer, Clive Barker. So complex. We love it, don't we?

You mentioned you were "swamped with client work" on the 13th of May. That's good news, right?

Please fill me in (if you're able) on your book proposals. I am most interested and wish you every success.

Two "AMC" Updates:

>"Breaking Bad" just finished its 2nd Season, with a brilliantly written and executed finale.

>Season III of "Mad Men" has been announced for August!

In Season I - Kennedy was elected president.
In Season II- leaped ahead about fourteen months, to Valentine's Day 1962. That season took us through the Cuban Missile Crisis in October '62. So -- I would expect that the Kennedy assassination would be a part of Season III...

Once again--I must get this in the mail before finishing, so let me briefly address two of your more probing [that's our Kelly!] comments/questions. Will follow-up:

>The fellow EMTS were never given anything, at least not by me. That actually was a travesty. Pleaded not guilty--fought like hell.

>You mentioned very strong reactions...how could that possibly "upset me" KK? After all I've been through? However, I am surprised that anyone even knows the name or the case! In our popular culture, that is such old news--an eternity by net standards.

Must cut this of & mail. Will start "Part 2" later this evening or tomorrow. Take care & hope to hear from you, KK. Stay safe.

Yours,

Michael

***

[Ed.: He included THIS article.]

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #27

Dear KK,

Hi sunshine! Two letters from you with multiple items of interest--one letter wonderfully long--and not nearly enough time today to discussing and answer everything as I want. Written three days apart, but arrived almost the same time--go figure... So-let me make a start now, and I promise to address all the additional questions over the weekend. So expect a long letter a few days after this one...

First of all, thank you for the truly fascinating [in that "nerdy", sci-fi way" you so eloquently described :-)!] Wikipedia entry on FLASH FORWARD. I mean, OMG, KK! Sawyer actually delves into the complexities of quantum mechanics and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in trying go explain the remarkable events that occur.

Two sentences in the book review/analysis really caught my eye:

-"Oddly, no recording devices anywhere in the world functioned in the present during the event."

-"Those who kill themselves over their dismal prospects are, by their very acts, changing the future they dread."

KK--perhaps Mr. Sawyer can write a companion book explaining ALL of the Time Travel ramifications these past two seasons of "LOST". :-)

This is definitely a book I must read. Come my birthday in October, I may ask you for this book plus either Wetlands or The Kindly Ones, if either is out in paperback by then!

The pages concerning the book's transformation/adaption to a TV series was just as enlightening. Sounds like the network is fully committed to the project. Plus I love what Sawyer says about adaptation to film vs. TV. With film you have to begin cutting away material, but with a TV series you "need to start adding and expanding". Music to our ears, KK.

Plus it mentions Sawyer's other novels, including a trilogy [#1 WAKE] about the worldwide web gaining consciousness. That sounds a lot like the seminal event in the whole "Terminator" mythos--which the Defense Computer system "Skynet" becomes self-aware" and triggers nuclear Armageddon. Let me stop before I get too into the science-fiction weeds...

I will be watching for any additional info. through the summer on "FLASH FORWARD". And I know you will keep me informed with your vastly more data!

That's why I love writing to you and learning about you and exploring you--your curiosity is unending! Few people would even bother to look up Euler's Identity, the equation that links what some number theorists call the five most important numbers/mathematical quantities: e [pi] I 1 0

One of those theorists is Edwin Burger-- a youngish professor at Williams College. I am currently taking a tele-course on Number Theory (12 weeks) taught by him. Very interesting and provocative. My math background helps, but it was not required to understand the course. This is a longish answer [with those details I know you love!] to answer your question whether I take classes. Yes, I do. Some are average, but some are simply exceptional. For instance--an in-depth 24 week course on the Civil War, taught by the outstanding Civil War scholar ?___________ Gallagher from Virginia. Uh oh, I think I hear a slight yawn, so let me move on...

By the way,I think the Simpsons stamps are great. I do notice such things. And you have exquisite taste in those vintage cards you occasionally use for short notes. Exhibit A: Richard Prince's "Man-Crazy Nurse"--creepy but brilliantly painted.

Speaking of postcards: I, my dear, you do go on that cruise ship to Alaska--do send me postcards from Seattle, Vancouver, Juneau or any other ports of call [or the ship's giftshop]--like Cate Blanchett did for Benjamin Button. You will be thought of on that stunningly beautiful cruise, if you go.

Can't end the week without commenting on your photos. I know that everyone says all brides are beautiful; after all, there is an entire industry devoted to making that so. You are at the same time very beautiful and very sexy in that photo. You say you're thinner now? Everything looks just fine on your wedding day...and sooo utterly proper and professional on your business card, as it should be.

Hope this doesn't embarrass you but.... Actually even if it does oh well! Honesty and openness sometimes have that result. But you are a lovely and intelligent woman, KK. I will have much more to say on this--more private and probing if you will allow me in the weeks & months to come... In both that slightly out-of-focus photo (with your lovely eyes) and the wedding photo-you exude a smoldering sexuality & sensuality just below the surface...covert, not overt, which is actually even more sensual and attractive. It's tin the eyes an the Mona Lisa smile...AND by the you are are anything but "pretty average."

KK, I've barely scratched the surface of your letter--including your encapsulated, fascinating at times tragic, life story. The "tip of the iceberg" you said--a phrase I could use myself in describing my life--and in how much I know about you--and how much below the surface and inside you I want to know so much better. Must mail this, but suffice it to say that the last, the very last thing you are is another whiny woman with a bad childhood. Nothing could be further from the truth... Much more to say--talk to you again very soon.

Be well, be safe, KK. I'll be thinking of you often.

Yours,
Michael

P.S. Column by Nicholas Kristof sent to me by a doctor friend. I saw this travesty up close and personal in Africa, especially at Mpilo Hospital in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe & Lusaka Teaching Hospital in Zambia--where all the true disaster ended up.

HIV/AIDS, and this, I feel very strongly about. More to say in future letters.

[Ed.: There is some sort of a brown liquidy stain on this letter. Coffee?]

Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #7

Dear Kelly,

I absolutely adored your story about going to India. What I loved even more--your photos of all those little kids, full of life and innocence and JOY! I'm especially fond of the big eyed little boy--so sweet. "DANCE PARTY"--How great!

I see that despite not wanting to have children, you were good to know what to do with them, or rather, how to BE with them. Children are such gifts.

Yesterday, when visiting with my mother, I noticed at least ten children under 3 in the visiting room. I was distracted by all these little magical people milling about. One little girl has seen me in the glass box (I am isolated in a no-contact room, and have visits through glass & talk through a phone) twice now, and when she walks by she stops, stares up at me and smiles. I just smile back and hold her gaze, being with her innocence and curiosity. She watches me from the vending machines and takes the long way around to see me again. I am honored to be the object of a small child's attention, one who knows nothing of murder, sex, drugs, hate, lies or all the things that infect the world.

Kudos for you for not hiding behind your Blackberry.

And for being smart enough to feed the "chicken" to the kid.

I get a kick out of your writing. You have a funny point of view. I find that what I think about a subject is rarely what I express in words. What I could otherwise express in a thousand word essay comes out of my mouth as, "You're a dickhead."
Real profound, huh?

Glad you had a nice birthday. I think once you get to 35, birthdays are spent doing stuff like having dinner with friends, doing the day-spa thing, buying a new piece of art, or going to a jazz bar. It's when you move past the birthdays when you once would go to a rock concert, get obliterated drunk and wakeup the next morning naked, alone, with a sore asshole and a birthday card on your nightstand signed by some guy named Ricardo. At least you can infer he has a fat cock and a sexy name. Hmm... Let's check my camera-phone for evidence...And you subsequently burn the sheets and delete the photos, hoping you did not text these to anyone.
Not that I would know...

Soon I plan to take an excerpt from what I've written and send it to some magazines and literary websites for review and to really just get some awareness out there, see what sort of reaction I get. I get that some of my life is really juicy, some is beautiful, some is tragic, some is fascinating, and some is hilarious. Although I have a dry sense of humor, and that's pretty evident in my book writing. What I get a couple of excerpts (funny word) prepared, I will gladly send you a copy.

I considered your request to share my letters with a few of your friends. I don't' have a problem with you posting my letters, though I get that I will likely filter the personal information I share with you based on knowing several others will be reading it. Perhaps we an agree that if I feel I don't want something shared, I will indicate that, and you commit to honoring my request? I can be okay with that.

I look forward to hearing about your trip to Alaska. My aunt dated a guy who worked on one of the Alaskan cruise liners and went a few times. She reported there is great beauty up north. I wonder if you'll get to see the aurora borealis? I always wanted to see it How can you not witness such energy and not be in awe of creation? I don't' care how people think we got where we are--evolution, creation, intelligent design, whatever--there's no way you can see stuff like that and still believe we are a fucking accident. Chance, my ass. And I love science. I could lay down and make love to it. But I know that when we cease being critters on earth that ain't it. Thermodynamics--energy is never created or destroyed; always changing. Heat, light, matter...
This ain't it.

I was quite amused by your story of Patrick, the "Love Spammer". I am amazed at what people's need for love and affection will drive the to do. Over and over again.

Kelly, what is a flokati?

I like Scout. I look forward to the next episode of OUTSIDE THE BOX. I'm not into soap operas or TV series, but I get excited about good romance. (Even though since you are still single, it obviously didn't' work out.)

I recently (well, in December) did the Night Dance on a couch in front of a roaring fireplace. I remember thinking how remarkable it was that we moved in sync. I like that term for it, the Night Dance. Mind if I use it in my book? I still have the last 100 pages or so to write--regarding my adventures while out. Man, I had a lot of fun.

Life is good.

Okay, it's way past my bedtime. Hope this finds you well. Take care. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sarah

***

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #26

Dear KK---

By now you received the letter I wrote you over the Memorial Day weekend. Hope I didn't bore you too much with my focus on the films of Lars von Trier. But there are so many bad films and bad directors: you have pointed out quite a few in the last few weeks..."The Informers", "Adoration", "Lymelife", and so on. Films with millions of dollars invested and little to show for it. So--like you, I respect directors (and actors) who at least try
to do something novel or daring or provocative or shocking--even when they occasionally fail [i.e. Egoyan with Adoration.]

With that said, I must mention the film that took the Grand Prize at Cannes over the weekend: "WHITE RIBBON" by the often daring & controversial director Mike Haneke. all I've read is this: "story of mistrust and deceit in a small German town just before World War I." Perhaps you can find more info online-such as its Wikipedia page, etc. Would be interested in knowing more. Thanks! Besides the von Trier film, another film that got a lot of buzz at Cannes was a "powerful" French prison film: "A PROPHET."

I'm glad you're smart, KK, so you can follow my terrible habit of long parenthetical & bracketed sentences & paragraphs!

Your letters---which reflect your beautiful mind and I mean that utterly sincerely, and I make no apologies for my previous comment to you that it is a women's mind that is the heart of her sexuality and sensuality--so amazing & so attractive...--give rise to so many thoughts and topics that I see reflected elsewhere--and I of course want to share it all with you. So to quote Rod Serling: "Presented for your consideration:"

>Ran across this jaw-dropping article in an issue of the Times. OMG, KK--talk about feeling connected to you: This article mirrors precisely what you were saying about the economy, New York"then and now", and New York as a cauldron of artistic freedom & artistic creation...plus the danger--always a part of the background...

Sounds like the June issue of Vanity Fair might be worth reading for the referenced article by James Wolcott. Most interested, my dear, in your reaction to this article enclosed and the Wolcott article if you have time to read it. Simply amazing...His Kind of Shell Shocked Town.

>Moving to an almost incomprehensible tragedy. I'm sure you've seen & heard the story of the death of Mike Tyson's 4-year old daughter in a bizarre strangulation accident. Just when his life was seeming to get back on track, as per the documentary film: "TYSON"--your review and several others seemed to make it clear that he has left some of his demons behind.

Trying to share with you moments & vignettes and relationships and intimate encounters--to hopefully let you get to know me through those moments and events as I hope to know you so much better in the same way. When I worked as a paramedic, I recall multiple times being called to the scene of a child death or tween death. They tend to stay etched in your mind: There was a 6 or 7 y/o boy accidentally shot dead by his not much older brother when they found a loaded gun in the house late at night... A 12 y/o boy who went into his basement to lift weights like daddy---his windpipe crushed by a barbell...and then, KK, there is "autoerotic asphixiation." The photos in forensic texts do not do the surreal scenes justice. I saw tow of these---recall one mother was in a virtual catatonic state. She had found her son dead...always wondered what became of her...

>I recall you mentioned knowing the author James Frey. I heard on TV recently that Oprah has apologized to Mr. Frey for her brutal denunciation of him on her show back in 06. Somewhat surprising. Are you still in occasional contact? And how was his book after: A Million Little Pieces? I can't recall if it was you or a review that told me it was actually pretty good. I'm sure many people wanted him to fail after the brouhaha over Little Pieces. It says a lot to me about you that you count him as a friend. :-)

>We discussed the untimely death of Natasha Richardson in some detail---and the question of could she and should she have been saved? I believe the answer to both questions is "YES". So please note the enclosed article regarding a quick-thinking doc in rural Australia. If only Ms. Richardson had had an equally aggressive and aware physician at the first hospital before the blood clot expanded and caused herniation and death. [Ed.: Article enclosed is about a man taking an ordinary household drill and drilling into a boy's head to stop a clot.]

>Another sad story--but I must ask if you knew Kelly Breslin. Obviously, her first name caught my eye of course, Breslin. I saw an obituary in an out-of-town paper, clearly taken from a New York paper: It said she was 44, and did "public relations and marketing work". So it seemed that you might well have known her, either professionally, personally or both. She apparently died at Bellevue four days after collapsing in a restaurant with friends at 4am--some sort of catastrophic medical event. It mentioned she had many clients at the World Trade Center prior to 9/11.

If she was your friend, I am so very sorry. Even if she was not--it is a powerful reminder of so many things...

I've actually done pretty well controlling my film fetish in this letter---just those opening comments at Cannes. However, my fellow film aficionado--there are quite a few out there, so let me share a few things I've read this past weekend:

>"THE MERRY GENTLEMAN"
>"THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE"
>"ADORATION"
>"JULIA"

Must wrap this up--hoping for a letter of letters from you later today...Ummm/you are endlessly fascinating Ms. K...

One quick "LOST"-related (barely) comment: Remember when you were seeing>Pen just ran out [May I dare make a mild double entendre, KK?! You truly drain me dry, my dear!].

When you were seeing eyepatches everywhere? Consider Maggie Grace-who played Shannon on "LOST" before her untimely death at the hands of a trigger happy Anna Lucia: BEFORE - over the weekend saw her playing welfare mother on an episode of "ER" from the mid-90s//AFTER--I could swear I saw her in a clip from a current film "TAKEN". She play (I think) either Liam Neeson's daughter or the daughter's friend-both of whom are kidnapped (again, I think!) One of those films we could write out the plot without seeing.
Also saw Cynthia Wastros (Libby) playing a protected witness with three kids.

I'm sure I'll have much more this week. You take care birthday girl and Taurus! I'm Libra/Scorpio (I have an interesting astrology story for later!) Stay safe in the mean city--Know I'll be thinking of you...let me count the ways...

Yours,
Michael

P.S. Just received your letter with Kurt Vonnegut and that fantastic info. on Flash Forward. Plus we've both seen the news of the new Television show on ABC--Yes--We must watch-more time travel for our brains to totally come together as one on! Terrible sentence/Must go.
XO, Michael

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #25

Hello KK---

So much to get to, Kelly. You always seem to get the creative juices flowing! Once again, sorry for the long delay between letters with the long holiday weekend.

I love your Saturdays--when you describe them you absolutely sound like a delightful "homebody"! Sounds like Mini likes them too.

Let me delve into the rest of your letter after your "K Kwestionaire!) I know--terrible alliterative play on words.

Wow! Please tell me "Just Another Love Story" is based on a Danish novel. What a dark, twisted, lovely plot! If there is a book I would definitely want to read it. That leads nicely into the films of the Danish director Lars von Trier, whose new film has made a huge splash at Cannes: "ANTICHRIST". I saw a reprint of part of Manhohla Dargi's review in the Times: "An alternately deadly serious and highly ironic exploration of psychosexual trauma, with Willem Defoe & Charlotte Gainsbourg as a couple grieving the death of their only child..."I would be lying if I didn't admit that this impossible movie kept me hooked from start to finish."

Sounds quite interesting, KK. I've read so much about von Trier's films, I feel like I've seen them--even though I have no. All of them sound fascinating & highly controversial & provocative. So I must ask you if you've seen von Triers:

"BREAKING THE WAVES" (1996)
"DOGVILLE: 03
"MANDERLAY" 05

Again, I haven't seen them, but very curious if you have. I could spend a DVD night watching all three. And curious about the new film "ANTICHRIST" as well.

By the way---think I mentioned before that Chloe Sevigny has really impressed me in what I've seen her in. And I find it amazing that Lauren Bacall, who starred with Bogart! is still working in good, complex roles.

Back to your letter---I've not seen "EXOTICA" [Atom Egoyan]--but have heard very good things. Are you familiar with Egoyan's film "THE SWEET HEREAFTER"--based on the truly haunting novel by Russell Banks. It is about the aftermath of a devastating bus accident in a small Canadian town that kills many of the town's children. Stars Sarah Polley--very talented actress who also directed her first film about Alzheimer's: "AWAY FROM HER" 07 that starred Julie Christie.

Music...Nirvana & Kurt Cobain-quintessential 90s rock but totally timeless. Even though I was not a big fan at the time, I still recall the overwhelming reaction to his death. To try to get inside you musically, I will try to listen to some of your artists that you mentioned. I've not seen "ONCE" but you LOVE the soundtrack! I do think I've heard the song "Falling Slowly" that won the Oscar. You must send me lyrics to any of these songs that move you deeply whether happily or sadly...

Let me close by turning serious again: You say you "don't write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am." KK---you could not be more wrong. [Let's see ME: ---book? not good and lots of rumors--so many rumors.] It was Tolstoy or one of the Russian writers who said that every person's life is an immense and fascinating novel. Admittedly, mine is unusual and ultimately tragic--but you, KK... Well I've already said---I want to you you---well...very well. Please do explore intimately and in detail the "pain of life" you experienced. I want to share it and know it with you. Just as I want to share as much of what I've been through with you.

I'm not so sure you are ready to answer "specific questions", KK. It is so liberating when one can talk to someone about most everything--but it is not easy. Most people shy away to the safe and banal and the non-controversial---as in their relationships as well.


So---Consider yourself very interesting and fascinating, KK! But I can only ask you to share & open up with what you are willing to explore & discuss...

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea."

--Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1797)

KK no reason...just some brilliant words.

Must get this in the mail---but a comment on your mention of the novel FLASH FORWARD (Robert J. Sawyer) as an inspiration for "LOST". Apparently, "FLASH FORWARD" is going to be a new ABC TV series come this fall: the series will explore the effects of a worldwide 2 min/17 sec period of unconsciousness in which people are able to see themselves six months in the future. That might be going to the well once too often, but who knows?

Thinking of you,

Yours,
Michael

Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #24

Dear KK---

Hi, sunshine! First of all, let me again wish you a happy birthday. And add, optimistically, that no doubt your best days are still ahead of you. Curious to hear your comments regarding God of Carnage, which you were going to see on Wed. the 13th. Speaking of which: Yes, your life is so dull. LOL...you don't fool me...Besides the theater, this past week you had a Korean spa treatment [I've got to tell you, that sounds incredibly sensual!], a Korean restaurant, and a cocktail party. Ms. K on the town!

Leaving my good-natured sarcasm aside...as always when writing to you--where to begin? I have your brilliant letter with all your questions! No problem as I've said before--and I will get to all of them if not today then tomorrow: but let me play a little "catch-up" with some of the cool stuff you've sent to me recently: Outside the Box: PARTY ANIMALS: Very beautiful KK. By far your most personal and lovely blog/column I've read so far. You've captured perfectly the intimate experience of sleeping with someone when bodies and emotions are totally comfortable and synchronized... "Our bodies intertwined expertly..."the Night Dance"... I would assume that some beautifully intimate & orgasmic sexual couplings of all varieties took place during the night, in between the exhausted sleep over lovers. [Ed.: Swango infers wrong here. The column had nothing to do with anything sexual. I think it was pretty clear there was nothing graphic going on at all. Swango tends to always try to bring up "sensual" and "sexual" things, but I have refused to write anything of that nature to him, going so far as clearly stating that I am happy to write to him as a penpal but am not flirting or looking for any sort of relationship beyond a platonic one.]

So very emotionally powerful, KK. And what was the answer to your question at the end: "When I come back from India, I hope he'll still be here."

So, KK, was he?

***

>An odd little story by J. G. Ballard. It mirrors several of his apocalyptic novels.

>The "Brain Games" profile of the neuroscientist Vlaya S. Ramachandran truly discusses some cutting-edge research. It opened with a discussion of a patient with the bizarre disorder "apotemnophilia": the compulsion to have a healthy limb amputated. The FX show "NIP/TUCK", the Grand Guignol of crazy medical shows, had a storyline a couple of seasons ago concerning such a patient. Ended with the man attempting a self-amputation, with predictably disastrous results. [Yes, I caught the "prison humor" cartoon near the end!]

>Although I'm not a pure vegetarian I must admit that Korrie Chichester's menu at the National Gourmet Institute had some interesting items. Can't go wrong with a salad of course/and fried crispy eggplant is great over salad or over rice.

***

-With the Cannes Film Festival underway, the release of more serious and Oscar/Golden Globe hungry films will only expand as the year goes on. Just some brief comments on some film reviews heard and seen over the weekend:

"The Brothers Bloom" --about an elaborate con. With Rachel Weisz, Mark Ruffalo, Adrien Brody sounds well-done & entertaining, but not sure if it's worth a full admission price.

"Jerichow": From your Times: "a compact and somber German film...a variation on Cain's "The Postman Always Rings Twice." Here's the last paragraph:

"There is nonetheless something haunting about this film, a sense of desperation and defeat that seems less like a generic convention than like a genuine insight on intuition into what can happen at the crossroads of lust, loneliness, & materialism.

Ah Yes--The American Dream!

"Summer Hours": A French film (YES!) about an inheritance on the surface, and much much more underneath. Very positive reviews, especially for Juliette Binoche. She was so good in the 92 British film, "Damage", directed by Louis Malle.

"Management": Like you & me & M. Night Shyamalan, I'm one of those few people who liked or even saw the Jennifer Aniston/Jake Gyllenhaal film "The Good Girl." I kid you not--the total U.S. box office was, like, $2m+! Aniston's newest film is "Management", which sounds equally "quirky", if that's the right word. When she plays against type, Aniston does very well.

More to say about your interesting comments on film---especially your synopsis of that Danish film: "Just Another Love Story". Sounds like an utterly fascinating movie. You & I are in agreement on this one, KK.

But let me move to your questions. You numbered them 1-8, and I know your letter is saved on disc, so let me try to answer them that way.

[Ed.: for readers here, you can go to my last letter posted to Swango where I ask him 8 questions about his crimes.]

1) Obviously it is difficult to pinpoint precisely why we want to know someone very, very well--to know them inside & out, as I've said before. To share & discuss intimacies & explore more than just the superficial and banal. From your very first letter and that super-cute (don't' get shy on me!) card, you definitely had my attention! You seemed so off-handed and normal. Then when your second letter arrived sans writing-envelope only...now I really wanted to hear from you! You are right--I do not respond this way to anyone who writes to me.

[May I say this: There are a lot of people more and more each day I am sure, who simply cannot write or type an actual snail-mail letter. It has nothing to do with intelligence--it's because since the mid-90s electronic/telephone communication has quickly overwhelmed all other means.]

But your self-deprecating comments aside, you really are a most fascinating & intelligent woman who has so many interests & passions. Forget the fact that you are lovely as well--your intelligence & your mind makes you immensely attractive. And as I've already said intelligence & the mind are much more sexy and sensual than appearance alone. Not to imply that I can't be superficial as well. :-)

I do want to know you so very well---and for you to know me. I only wonder if you are able or willing to share in such an unusual way to be sure. It's never easy to open yourself up to anyone. It's not easy for me, KK.

You asked, please don't hold it against me!

My other answers should be shorter:

2) NO. I have no yet read BLIND EYE in its entirety. During legal negotiations my attorneys asked me to read a few specific passages. The reasons escape me at this time. Some of what I read was accurate, some was not. Again, for legal reasons did not then & could not now get involved with the author.

3) The answer here is no. Nothing of that sort was ever done to Kristin by me. Could not imagine it. You may know that I was no with her during the last 3 weeks of her life---she was in Virginia, I was in NY. [Ed.: I asked him if he poisoned Kristin at any point as her autopsied body had a high concentration of arsenic in it.]

4) Again, no. No such pleasure. (My "outlets" were intense & usually quite emotional...) again, very lucky in that way. [Ed.: I asked him why he poisoned--if he got a sexual pleasure out of it or if it was a compulsion about control.]

5) I think we've discussed most of this. Again--no question there were some sociopathic "holes"/ but so much was and is "normal" --whatever that means. And I would beg to differ in the last two lines. No question that my time here, in this modern-day & secure Cistercian monastery, has changed me significantly. Believe me, if you had written four or five years ago, I was much different. Not so good.

6) Your easiest question, KK: No. [Ed.: I asked him if he still gets thoughts to kill or poison.]

7) This I think we've answer in letters since. I don't know if "fix" is the right word--but time & discipline (self) and the memory palace are some of the reasons why.

8) Again. No. This was always wildly exaggerated. I was a paramedic, medical student, ER doctor---of course I was interested to some degree. [Ed.: I asked him if he still kept scrapbooks of disasters, murders, deaths.]

There are still [my God you are addictive, dear KK!] several things from your letter that I want to talk about--but I must get this in the mail.

So--very quickly: Obviously, whatever I failed to answer of your questions, I will try again if necessary. In this case, curiosity is a marvelous attribute of this particular dog lover! [Hello, Mini--who's a good dog!]

[Ed.: He enclosed a few film reviews and articles. ]

Let me apologize in advance for any longer than usual delay in mail caused by the Memorial Day weekend. Hope your weather is good in NYC and you stay safe. Take care--thinking of you.

Yours,
Michael

P.S. Yes, pages 5-9 took twice as long as 1-4.