Dear Kelly,
Well, swine flu has officially crippled TDC as of now seems the main drug for combating the illness isn't approved for inmates, so we are porked if it makes it past the walls. How is the insanity that is Zoo York? Seems like you people might take a slightly more stoic view of such things, given the experience of the last few years. At least we don't' seem to be over-reacting as badly as Egypt is. Though, I suspect the desired mass Piggy Holocaust has far more to do with the Islamic belief that heaven hates ham than any desire to prevent the spread of the disease. Poor pigs. Can't get no respect.
Well, I find myself in the iron grip of some serious fucking antisocial thoughts. This is my first letter in six days I've written; not sure if that makes you lucky or cursed, but there it is. Don't really know what is going on with me. Feeling reactionary, angry, tense. I have good reason to feel this way, granted. But I've managed to separate and distance myself from these types of thoughts for many years now, so I don't know what the hell has changed. This place has finally gotten into my head, maybe. I want to write, but when I sit down, I feel totally out of gas. I used to write so often, I guess I'm just burnt out. The tank is empty. Tempted to just go: "Howdy, Kelly. Still here. Still sucks. Love, Thomas." Ha, can you imagine? What do you do to shrug off the writers block? I'm sure real writers have some sort of mental exercise to summon the muses. Speaking of real writers, read anything good lately? I read a review of Jonathan Lithell's "The Kindly Ones," which has piqued my interest. I'm putting in an order for it next month. There is a quote from there where the protagonist asks his friend if he is "his Pylades," a reference to the sordid story of Orestes, Agamemnon, et. al. Heard anything about the book? Or anything else good for that matter? There is a short story contest that the Bridport Arts Centre is putting out. I'm thinking about submitting something. If you ever hear about any other such deals, let me know. I very much doubt I could win any real money, but I would be stupid not to try.
I hear the 20/20 special with my Dad was on last Friday. I'm expecting letters from the Jeeeeeesus Brigade to start arriving shortly. This was the last interview I ever plan on doing. Ever. Unless the circumstances tilt more in my favor. Did you see it? How bad was it? I would value your opinion. Well, how goes life in the Big Apple? Have you been able to ninja any more benches at the pool yet this year? Ha, the image of ladies bedecked in two-piece using Macchiavelian cutthroat tactics on each other over a seat by the pool is priceless. Pure Americana. Cooked anything good in your class yet? In my experience people generally attend cooking classes in order to meet someone to cook for, so, any luck with that yet? Just from the little snippets of conversations we've had on peripheral issues, it seems like you are due for a real Prince to come along. I hope so. You seem too worthy (?) to be so lonely. This "continual sense of loss and longing" you spoke of is interesting to me. I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is life, and that we don't' really have any choice in the matter of how empty it might be. We only get to choose whether we face this emptiness with dignity and honor. I thin it was Hume that believed facing the cheapness of life with noble indifference was the only true virtue. I believe there is certainly more virtue in the world than that, but he has a point. For what it is worth, I'm glad I met you. Maybe such comments do not give your life "meaning," but the light we bring into the lives of other people surely must be worth something. It is cliché, but I find helping my weaker neighbors give me an escape hatch from the feelings you mentioned. Do you ever do any volunteer work? Ha! Join the SAVE THOMAS' WORTHLESS ASS CLUB, and find me one of those fancy New York Attorneys for my federal writ. :-) I kid, I kid. I will come up with something for all of that, at some point.
Got any plans for the Big 39? Seriously, Kelly, you sound in desperate need of some massive new project in your life. Some adventure to get swept up in. I love how you seem to think 39 is ancient, or something.
I really enjoyed your story about India. A girl I new from High School is now living in Goa..."happily" living in Goa, from third-hand stories I've been told. When were you there? The photos reminded me of some of the houses I saw in Mexico. So poor it breaks your heart.
I do actually write to my ex, Lynne. She is married now, with a young son. It makes me feel shitty and wonderful all at the same time to speak with her again. I will always love her, a little. Not sure I ever want to cut off that tiny piece of my heart that still feels for her, as loving her was maybe the only good thing I ever did. How do you part with that?
Well, I hope this find you well, and that you are surrounded by friends on the 16th. Take me a photo fat the party! :-)
Yours,
TBW
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #17
Dear KK---
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Hi, sunshine! Even though I'm starting this letter early, I'm sure I will have more to write tomorrow. So much to talk about from your three as always fascinating and provocative letters.
By now you've received my somewhat unusual letter (or so it might seem!) written last Thursday (4-28)--regarding life choices, "what comes next?", etc. Can't remember the last time I talked about that with anyone [ and again---just a first step...] As I said, I want to know you--all of you--inside & out; but one has to be willing to share parts of oneself to hopefully help that happen.
Speaking of which, here is something you might find interesting--wasn't sure how much google had to say about it: I was in the Marine Corps for six years, leaving as a sergeant; and my father was a career Army officer. I can tell you that the years in the military definitely helps in the situation I now find myself in. As in that Cistercian monastery I mentioned, discipline of both mind & body is critical to adjustment. Again--just wanted to mention that for now. Can discuss more in a future letter.
Here's a "teaser" :) Was going to mention why I cannot watch the late 70s movie "Grease." But I think that needs to wait until we're more comfortable talking with each other.*
Now to your letters. Clearly some things I know you want to hear about more than others--but let me go in order so as not to miss anything. Oh my, I can tell this will be an ADD letter, because there's something else I must say:
One way that we really do learn about one another (speaking generically) and penetrate some of the walls and fences we all set up, is by finding out what someone likes or appreciates or - more importantly - what moves them. Music, books, films, plays, sports [you and boxing--most interesting], etc. Every time we talk about those things I like to think I'm learning a little more about you..and you about moi.
*Such as, perhaps, all that most intriguing talk about you being a "very dark person" who "knows the pain of life." That is worth several letters at least!
When you mention a particular author or book or director or film that really touches you---I want to read it or see it. Even if I don't think it will necessarily be to my taste, I want to know it to understand you better. Does that make sense.
So: Regarding an art form we haven't discussed much, if at all: music... Like almost everyone, my likes and dislikes are eclectic & idiosyncratic--but in almost all genres, there are songs and pieces that emotionally touch me, whether "sadly" or "happily" or "dreamily" or whatever. But like you, I tend toward the dark--so deeply sad or tragic songs tend to touch me the most. Listen to either one of these, and I assure you, you will know me a bit better:
"HALLELUJAH"--as sung by Jeff Buckley
"IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL" --Sarah McGloughlin
There are many more--happy to discuss those and others.
The exception to the dark comes with classical music, specifically Mozart and two or three of his contemporaries. I'm not quite ready to say that his music is the "voice of God"(see the film Amadeus) but something truly awesome was going on in his brain. As with the songs above, these pieces by Mozart:
>Clarinet Concerto in A (K622)
>Violin Concertos #1,2,3
>Beethoven's 5th Symphony - the SECOND MOVEMENT
Again- many others-much food for thought. Now you know me a bit better.
***
Ok--3 1/2 pages in, NOW (really!) to your letters: Could there be a cuter couple than Kelly and Mini? I love your photo, KK. The out-of-focus lends it an ethereal quality... beautiful blue eyes [as you will see the better we know each other--I have a lot to say about eyes, which literally are the portal to the mind]. Imagine now the "Who's a good dog--yeeeessss, yeeeessss" that we say when we see a "Mini". I have to admit, he's a looker and a keeper! Even more so than I imagined from your loving previous descriptions! So as not to embarrass you (unless you want me to!) I'll say no more about your photo. Thank you, KK.
So glad to hear that you appreciate Kristen Scott Thomas and French films of that genre. I hope to see Tell No One at some point. I truly admire an actress who will play such an "unglamorous" role as Ms. Thomas did in "I've Loved you So Long"-wan, pale, underweight, no makeup--but beautiful and so brilliantly acted. There is another French film (technically Fr/Germ/Austrian/Ital) from 05 titled "CACHE". Directed by Michael Haneke & starring Juliette Binoche, et. al:
"an icily meticulous, if protracted, drama framed by a realistic portrait of a marriage and augmented with references to recent French history."
I seem to recall it received good reviews and seemed in the same vein as "Tell No One." I've not seen it, have you?
Your comments are "vampire films" are intriguing--and I partly agree with you, though for different reasons. I have read several Vampire-based novels (beginning with the father of the genre: Dracula, by Bram Stoker (1897))- and the books are generally far, far better than the films. The films need to really think "outside the box" to make an impression. Up until the Swedish film I mentioned, "Let the Right One in" , the only one I recall is a film from the 1980s titled "THE HUNGER", starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, and [don't laugh:)] David Bowie. Glitzy & trashy, but strangely compelling...
Yes, your Type A (I'm a huge fan of Type A being one myself!) shines through your letters. "Volatile relationship" sounds familiar--I've had several myself. You are so right that living together can definitely bring a man & woman much closer, or put their differences in stark contrast.
By now you received my letter about my relatively brief marriage & my two tweens. You asked if I dated much. That answer is an unqualified yes--but when we decided to be together, I am totally a one-woman man. The reason for that is because two people who truly care for each other can explore each other on so many levels and with such depth--emotionally, socially, psychologically, sexually. Sadly, most people, men and women, rarely take the time or effort...
I promise to answer your other question in my next letter: "Did you have a type?" -- but since today is drawing to a close - let me jump ahead to your next letter and your comments (concern? Surely not) about "KK". Hopefully I can put your mind at ease:
When I first received your letter, the fact that you were a "KK" didn't even register with me. Only when you signed or mentioned "KK" did I think about it. You might not realize this, but there are a lot of KKs in this world. I have known quite a few--actually dated two [one before & one after my Kristin]- Kimberly [middle initial K] and Katherine Kilpatrick [lovely Irish name]. I guess because of the lovely alliteration, every girl or woman with those initial first/last; first/middle; middle/last call herself KK. And, everyone else calls her KK. Let's see, I've had friends/co-workers named K. Kreske, Karen Keefe, Karla K. Deitrich...all went by "KK". Even worked with a guy named Kevin with an unpronounceable last name starting with a K. We called him KK (he wasn't wild about it.
And that's just the ones I can remember right now. I called Kristin by that very pretty first name when I first met her--"KK" came later..her friends, etc.
The suicide was a life-altering experience, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's part of the reason I ended up in Africa. I appreciate you kind thoughts--and I can talk about it now...16 years after that awful day 15 JUL 93.
But --and I have to close--I am well aware that "KK" (like "JJ") is a common enough name. As I said, I dated a KK in Africa! She's at rest, her name--that name lives on.
So actually I am not squeamish nor do your questions bother me, KK. In fact I welcome them. The better to know me...and me to know you.
I promise-much more on this and the 2 1/2 letters I have yet to answer!
You take care-thanks for your honesty. I'll be thinking about you.
Be safe, KK
Yours,
Michael
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #13
Hello Michael,
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
This letter will consist mostly of questions. Because we have had so many letters going back and forth, it is hard to keep track, but I have so many questions. Some I asked already and they haven’t been responded to. Others, are new.
Today is a Saturday, my favorite day. I walked the dog, did errands, bought a vintage dress from the 60s—I collect vintage clothes and wear them often—went to the used bookstore and bought a ton of postcards which, you, no doubt will get some notes on, and then I went to buy a small vacuum as mine has lost its will to gather up dog hair.
Then I got TWO letters from you.
So questions, questions, questions:
1-You mention in your letter you have a will to discuss anything and everything with me and that you really want to know me. Why? Why do you want to get to know me and why are you willing to tell me anything? I can only imagine you don’t respond this way to anyone who writes you. Or maybe I am wrong. Explain.
2- I have finished reading the book written about you and your crimes called BLIND EYE by James Stewart. I mentioned this in a previous letter. Have you read this book? If so, is it true and accurate? If not, what is inaccurate? At the end of the book Mr. Stewart writes that you would not speak with him, and I’m wondering, have you spoken to him since? Why or why not?
3- You speak lovingly of KK (may she rest in peace), but on the internet and in the book it states you had given her touches of arsenic. Not that it contends that killed her—clearly it was a suicide—but given your past and interest in poisoning people, why KK?
4- Speaking of poison and murder, what about it interests(ed?) you? Was there a sexual pleasure of poisoning and killing? Was it just a control thing?
5- Many contend you are a sociopath, and I assume you know what that word means, but in essence it means you were either born without a conscience or developed into a man without one. Would you say that is true? Have you always felt different? Or that there was some sort of hole that couldn’t be filled? Did you feel love? It says that sociopaths are charming, bright, lack empathy and enjoy causing pain. I am not judging you; I just want to understand. Please be forthcoming. From what I understand therapy doesn’t cure a sociopath, nothing does. It is just some people’s nature state of being.
6- Do you still get the thoughts or urge to kill or poison?
7- You mentioned your crimes were caused by a fundamental “bad heart,” but that is now fixed. As I asked before what did you mean by “bad heart” and how did you fix this issue?
8- The book talks about your interest in murders and disasters. It said you liked keeping scrap books of horrific events. Do you still enjoy this?
Getting back to your letter, yes, I have seen Cache. I love movies of that sort. In fact, I just saw a really interesting and dark movie called Just Another Love Story. It is from Denmark and so twisted. A suburban man with a wife and two kids is driving on the highway with them. His car stalls and a woman who is driving behind him crashes into him. It has a domino effect and others also crash and all die except she is in a coma. The man goes to visit her in the hospital and her family just assumes he is the new boyfriend they have never met. He continues not to tell them of their mistake and visits. She gets out of the coma but is blind and has amnesia and they “re-connect” and are in love. Oddly they tell him that she is now pregnant and that she became so in the hospital. He knows it isn’t his. There is a guy in a wheel chair covered in bandages that is always lurking about. He suspects this man had sex with her while she was in a coma. He chases the man but as they near a corner the guy flees and leaves only the wheel chair. The married guy in love with the coma girl works for the police as a photographer so they have the prints on the wheelchair run. Turns out they belong to the girl’s real boyfriend who they had learned had died before in Asia, having been shot in a hotel room. The movie had opened with this girl (who later gets into the accident) shooting the boyfriend. So now as the movie progresses we find out the boyfriend she met while traveling in Asia was a drug runner and tried to attack her so she shot him. She immediately left Asia and came home to Denmark and was driving erratically from the airport to her parents about to tell them when she got into that accident. As she heals she is allowed to leave the hospital and she and the new boyfriend (who has now left his wife and kids) go to her rich family’s cottage to spend time together. As they are having dinner a knock at the door reveals the real boyfriend---the crazy one. Scary stuff.
I am also a big fan of Atom Egoyan who has a new movie out that I want to see called ADORATION. He is a Canadian filmmaker whose film EXOTICA is one of my all-time faves. Have you seen any of his movies?
As for the “KK” references, I am not so narcissistic to think I’m the only KK. I didn’t realize you knew so many. Wow! Although I suppose when one thinks about it, I know many MS’s. Ha!
Music could be a whole letter, for sure. I can’t listen to music for long periods of time because I get awful migraines. However, if is music I like and know the words to, I can get into it. My favorite band is Nirvana. I have every cd and even saw Kurt Cobain in concert—his last NYC concert before his death. I like Perry Ferrell (from Jane’s Addiction & Porno for Pyros) and also saw them play twice. I like old skool rap music a lot and have a huge collection. I like the sound tracks to David Lynch’s movies and own many Julee Cruise cds. I LOVE the ONCE soundtrack. Did you see that movie? One of my very favorites. I even went to see the band play in Central Park. I heard there is going to be a Broadway musical made of ONCE. Such a sad love story. Oh, and Tom Waits. I like his early ballads. He sings lullabies for the dysfunctional. Love him!
As for knowing the pain of life, I surely do. I will explain in subsequent letters. I don’t write too much about myself because, frankly, you are far more interesting than I am. I mean, you have a book written about you, are in jail for life, are rumored to have murdered 60 people… I am very boring in comparison so I am way more interested in hearing the whys of all of this. If you have specific questions, though, I will gladly answer.
I’ll close this letter out with a bit about my upcoming birthday which is in exactly one week (May 16th). As you know, I will be 39. (ugh!) I don’t have that much planned but will go see God of Carnage on Wednesday. Then on the day of my birthday my friend Stef will take me to a Korean spa to get a scrub, massage, steam, etc. and afterwards we’ll eat at a Korean restaurant where you can cook your own food at a grill in your table. I have signed up for a writing class and 2 cooking classes coming up soon, and I mentioned I am going to Alaska. This Thursday, a friend, who is a beauty writer, has invited me to a party celebrating Bobbi Brown (she makes make-up/perfume/etc.) so I’ll get to wear a dress and drink some cocktails. YUM!
I’ll sign off here as I must get on with my day before it gets too dark out to continue errand-running.
Be well.
KK
P.S. Enclosed is a short, funny article from The New Yorker called, “Making Friends”.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Another Question for Readers:
Because you are part of a small and select group, your opinions really matter to me. What do you think of this concept for a book? Have you read the whole blog? What questions would you like me to ask the inmates? What works/what doesn't.
Please email your answers to me at:
ltrsfrominside@aol.com
Thank you.
Please email your answers to me at:
ltrsfrominside@aol.com
Thank you.
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #16
Dear KK---
Please excuse my use of pencil today and my extreme brevity.
I will call the two letters of mine that you received on 20 APRIL-and raise you one more! Because today I received three of your letters--what a marvelous surprise. (Ed.: This is so odd because I never write that often. I suspect the prison only allows them to mail letters on certain days and collects their mail and delivers it weekly.)
So I simply had to let you know that--clearly--a lengthy letter or two will be coming your way over the weekend. I haven't the time to go over all of them before this has to go in the outgoing mail, but let me again assure you on the very last line of your letter of MON 4/20 "Hope all my questions haven't irked you."
Most people don't mean it when they say they will discuss anything & everything--I do. Nothing you ask or say can bother me--because I want to know you, KK, as intensely and as well as possible--and am more than willing to allow you to do the same.
Mail is coming. Take care & talk to you gain very soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. A stunning poem by Deborah Digges lamenting her deceased husband-told through the stark reminders of his closets full of clothes. The lines regarding smell and shape are one I can totally relate to & understand...
[This was her third husband, who died in 03.]
***
[A poem by Deborah Digges from her collection TRAPEZE 04]
"Seersucker Suit," Deborah Digges
To the curator of the museum, to the exhibition of fathers,
to the next room from this closet of trousers
and trousers, full sail the walnut hangers of shirts,
O the great ghost ships of his shoes.
Through the racks and the riggings,
belt buckles ringing and coins in coat pockets
and moths that fly up from the black woolen remnants,
his smell like a kiss blown through hallways of cedar,
the shape of him locked in his burial clothers,
his voice tucked deep in his name,
his keys and the bells to his heart,
I am passing his light blue seersucker suit
with one grass-stained knee,
and a white shirt, clean boxers, clean socks, a handkerchief.
Please excuse my use of pencil today and my extreme brevity.
I will call the two letters of mine that you received on 20 APRIL-and raise you one more! Because today I received three of your letters--what a marvelous surprise. (Ed.: This is so odd because I never write that often. I suspect the prison only allows them to mail letters on certain days and collects their mail and delivers it weekly.)
So I simply had to let you know that--clearly--a lengthy letter or two will be coming your way over the weekend. I haven't the time to go over all of them before this has to go in the outgoing mail, but let me again assure you on the very last line of your letter of MON 4/20 "Hope all my questions haven't irked you."
Most people don't mean it when they say they will discuss anything & everything--I do. Nothing you ask or say can bother me--because I want to know you, KK, as intensely and as well as possible--and am more than willing to allow you to do the same.
Mail is coming. Take care & talk to you gain very soon.
Yours,
Michael
P.S. A stunning poem by Deborah Digges lamenting her deceased husband-told through the stark reminders of his closets full of clothes. The lines regarding smell and shape are one I can totally relate to & understand...
[This was her third husband, who died in 03.]
***
[A poem by Deborah Digges from her collection TRAPEZE 04]
"Seersucker Suit," Deborah Digges
To the curator of the museum, to the exhibition of fathers,
to the next room from this closet of trousers
and trousers, full sail the walnut hangers of shirts,
O the great ghost ships of his shoes.
Through the racks and the riggings,
belt buckles ringing and coins in coat pockets
and moths that fly up from the black woolen remnants,
his smell like a kiss blown through hallways of cedar,
the shape of him locked in his burial clothers,
his voice tucked deep in his name,
his keys and the bells to his heart,
I am passing his light blue seersucker suit
with one grass-stained knee,
and a white shirt, clean boxers, clean socks, a handkerchief.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thomas Bart Whitaker's Latest Blog Entry: Mentions Me
He writes letters to a friend who set up a blog for him and posts them. His latest letter mentions me and the New Yorker article I sent to him near the end of the entry. He even links to it.
MINUTES BEFORE SIX: TAKE FOUR
MINUTES BEFORE SIX: TAKE FOUR
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #12
As you know, I sometimes will post the letters I have written to the inmates. Many times, though, I handwrite them so I don't have copies. This last one, in response to the letters of his [#15] I just posted, was typed so I will share it with you today.
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your letter about how you deal with incarceration. Much to digest and reply here. First, I, too, like particular names and words. In fact, there is a website devoted to just that---words people like and their reasons why. I submitted my word, “FURTIVE.” I have always loved it. A friend told me he loves the words, “LINGER” and “TROUSERS.”
I have to admit I understand clinical depression really well. I suffer from bouts of it. I understand, so well, that “What next?” question. Seems like you are not depressed about your situation and have mentally adapted to it. Also, seems like it isn’t so awful, meaning you mentioned the food was adequate, it appears you have access to TV shows/movies and reading material. For someone who is interested in these things, it is important that you continue to be able to keep abreast of what is going on in the world, the physical one and the artistic one.
You mention letters of these sorts—the more personal ones—take more time to write. Good! I enjoy these much more than the others. Sure movies are exciting, but nothing beats the rough and tumble real world. Reality is always more interesting than fiction. I am very interested in human nature, so I find this stuff particularly compelling. The incarceration and how one deals with it, but moreso, the actual crimes. The compulsion that put you in this position in the first place. I know you frequently write that you cannot discuss all details. However, you also reiterated in your last letter that you are eager to delve into it, no matter how personal. I am not skittish about hearing about the murders or poison. I am fascinated and would welcome great detail.
As for IN TREATMENT, I am working my way through the dvds of the first season as I also watch the second season in real time. The first season has a woman, Laura, who is a dr. and really attractive. She goes to Gabrial Byrne (who is so attractive!) for relationship issues. She falls insanely in love with him and being that his own marriage is flawed he begins an affair with him. At the same time, his other patient, a fighter pilot who killed a village of children leaves his wife and beings an affair with her also. We also see the Dr. with his own therapist discussing his marriage decline and unethical behavior.
Anyway, in season two he has different patients because he has now moved his office to Brooklyn because he moved out of his wife’s home and is living alone now. The affair is over and he is alone. He finds out the fighter pilot who had discontinued therapy had then killed himself and he is being sued for not helping him psychologically. The lawyer on his case is an ex-patient who is really successful but single and unhinged. She blames him for having an abortion 20 years ago and she felt as a doctor he abandoned her. She gets off his legal case and delegates it to another atty. but decides to resume therapy with him. She is lonely, wants to be married and have a kid, but meets all the wrong guys. Then she gets pregnant from a one-night stand. That is where I am with the show now and eagerly await more episodes. He still sees his therapist who counsels him on his behavior. He tries to regroup with his wife but she has moved one. He has two other patients; one is a young boy whose parents are split and who have issues not fighting over him. He is attracted to that woman. Then he has an older man, a CEO whose company did something faulty that lead to the death of people and now his world has crashed down around him. His daughter lives in Africa doing charity work and he worries for her. He tries to kill himself and is in the mental ward.
I am enclosing an interesting article from this week’s New Yorker about interesting and freaky neurological research.
I’m noticing some changes in my city. I remember the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Man that shit was gritty. Dangerous, artsy, dark and pained. Then the late 90s came, and I moved here to a more homogenized, Disneyfied City. Believe me, I'm not complaining. While the gritty City was something interesting to see from AFAR, I am happy to live in a cleaner, safer place.
But the economy has really tanked. The educated, middle management types are without jobs. Rents are dropping which almost never happens. Stores are going out of business. There are more homeless than I remember seeing in the last 10 years. The crazies are OUT.
It's getting scary and tension-ridden up in this piece, but way more interesting.
I don't want an unsafe, tension-filled City, but still appreciate the fact that this environment is the petri-dish from which true art grows.
Anyway, I look forward to more serious and soul-searching letters. Hope you are well. --KK
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your letter about how you deal with incarceration. Much to digest and reply here. First, I, too, like particular names and words. In fact, there is a website devoted to just that---words people like and their reasons why. I submitted my word, “FURTIVE.” I have always loved it. A friend told me he loves the words, “LINGER” and “TROUSERS.”
I have to admit I understand clinical depression really well. I suffer from bouts of it. I understand, so well, that “What next?” question. Seems like you are not depressed about your situation and have mentally adapted to it. Also, seems like it isn’t so awful, meaning you mentioned the food was adequate, it appears you have access to TV shows/movies and reading material. For someone who is interested in these things, it is important that you continue to be able to keep abreast of what is going on in the world, the physical one and the artistic one.
You mention letters of these sorts—the more personal ones—take more time to write. Good! I enjoy these much more than the others. Sure movies are exciting, but nothing beats the rough and tumble real world. Reality is always more interesting than fiction. I am very interested in human nature, so I find this stuff particularly compelling. The incarceration and how one deals with it, but moreso, the actual crimes. The compulsion that put you in this position in the first place. I know you frequently write that you cannot discuss all details. However, you also reiterated in your last letter that you are eager to delve into it, no matter how personal. I am not skittish about hearing about the murders or poison. I am fascinated and would welcome great detail.
As for IN TREATMENT, I am working my way through the dvds of the first season as I also watch the second season in real time. The first season has a woman, Laura, who is a dr. and really attractive. She goes to Gabrial Byrne (who is so attractive!) for relationship issues. She falls insanely in love with him and being that his own marriage is flawed he begins an affair with him. At the same time, his other patient, a fighter pilot who killed a village of children leaves his wife and beings an affair with her also. We also see the Dr. with his own therapist discussing his marriage decline and unethical behavior.
Anyway, in season two he has different patients because he has now moved his office to Brooklyn because he moved out of his wife’s home and is living alone now. The affair is over and he is alone. He finds out the fighter pilot who had discontinued therapy had then killed himself and he is being sued for not helping him psychologically. The lawyer on his case is an ex-patient who is really successful but single and unhinged. She blames him for having an abortion 20 years ago and she felt as a doctor he abandoned her. She gets off his legal case and delegates it to another atty. but decides to resume therapy with him. She is lonely, wants to be married and have a kid, but meets all the wrong guys. Then she gets pregnant from a one-night stand. That is where I am with the show now and eagerly await more episodes. He still sees his therapist who counsels him on his behavior. He tries to regroup with his wife but she has moved one. He has two other patients; one is a young boy whose parents are split and who have issues not fighting over him. He is attracted to that woman. Then he has an older man, a CEO whose company did something faulty that lead to the death of people and now his world has crashed down around him. His daughter lives in Africa doing charity work and he worries for her. He tries to kill himself and is in the mental ward.
I am enclosing an interesting article from this week’s New Yorker about interesting and freaky neurological research.
I’m noticing some changes in my city. I remember the NYC of the 70s and 80s. Man that shit was gritty. Dangerous, artsy, dark and pained. Then the late 90s came, and I moved here to a more homogenized, Disneyfied City. Believe me, I'm not complaining. While the gritty City was something interesting to see from AFAR, I am happy to live in a cleaner, safer place.
But the economy has really tanked. The educated, middle management types are without jobs. Rents are dropping which almost never happens. Stores are going out of business. There are more homeless than I remember seeing in the last 10 years. The crazies are OUT.
It's getting scary and tension-ridden up in this piece, but way more interesting.
I don't want an unsafe, tension-filled City, but still appreciate the fact that this environment is the petri-dish from which true art grows.
Anyway, I look forward to more serious and soul-searching letters. Hope you are well. --KK
