I am not happy with the Tumblr platform. It is not showing the images of the scanned letters,even though I have included them. Pender draws pictures like flowers and clouds on her envelopes and letters; Swango underlines incessantly all over the page. Tumblr isn't showing my formatting of underlining.
I will be moving this to Blogspot shortly. Once I have time to do this and set up a LetterfromtheInside.blogspot.com I will send the few I have given access to this, passwords to get onto to that one.
One other thing. A few entries down, I reference this great recent article in the New Yorker called HELL HOLE. I cannot link to it as you would need a subscription to that magazine to read it. However, if you can get your hands on a copy of it, do so. I have sent hard copy of this article to each of the prisoners I write to and several of them comment on it in their return letters to me. The gist of the 10-page article is that solitary confinement---which my prisoners face---is psychologically damaging and could be considered torture.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Whitaker
Dear Thomas,
Hello! I just got your letter and am always so anxious to read them. It sucks that you had someone you wrote to for a year who was being deceptive. What did this pro-Death Penalty fellow hope to gain by writing? How did he finally tell you? Was he mean?
I can only reiterate that I enjoying writing to you and getting your responses so I’m not going to “flake out” and stop writing. There are periods when I’m busier than others so I may not always be so prolific or swift. You owe me no apology. Dude, I’m just the type of person who is going to question and push and all you have to do is tell me to politely cut it out or that you are uncomfortable discussing certain things. I’m very curious by nature. But I am not malicious. I was just trying to understand why you did what you did.
I know that article about my ex-husband was mean and very snarky. However, my ex-husband knew full-well what I was going to write. He agreed to be interviewed for that and his quotes in it are verbatim. We also interacted with each other like that. It was just the nature of our relationship—our dynamic. I was paid to editorialize about my relationship with him. However, you and I do not have an intimate relationship like I had with my husband. Semi-good natured ribbing in the press was something he expected and even kind of enjoyed. This is what I was getting at when I said I may post your letters or parts on my blog, but that I’d offer no editorialization. I didn’t mean that I don’t care or have thoughts, feelings, opinions….What I meant by that is that I wouldn’t ridicule them, agree or disagree, or insert myself into them or your experience at all. If I posted anything you said, it’d stand alone and anyone who read could draw their own conclusions without me trying to sway opinion in one way or another. I entered into writing to you with a very open mind, and I am committed to continuing to do so. I am not going to say anything bad about you either privately or publicly. No reason for me to.
Clearly, I do not condone murder, violence or crime of any sort. But beyond that, you are simply Thomas to me. Someone I think is incredibly intelligent but also very flawed. I’m both of those things too.
As for me, I do not want to get an MFA all that much. I enjoyed applying to Columbia and if on a miracle of a chance I got in, I’d feel like I won the lottery. I didn’t, and so I have no desire to apply elsewhere, like NYU, the New School, etc. I am, however, taking a writing course this summer---a short one—on how to get non-fiction published and how to write a non-fiction book proposal. Speaking of writing, I keep checking MinutesBeforeSix and there hasn’t been anything new there from you in months. What’s up with that?
I’m also signed up for a cooking class. I studied the basics of French cooking a year ago and would like to continue. I enjoy cooking and do it often. It is very relaxing. The classes are fun because they are also social. At the end of the five –hour session you sit together and drink wine and eat the five-course meal you have worked to prepare together.
I went to a Knicks/Nets game last night and had a hot dog. It was fun. I saw Spike Lee pacing courtside. The Knicks won. Tomorrow night I’m going to the Public Theater to see a play. Saturday night a visit with an ex-boyfriend—someone I dated before I was married. Life chugs along. I get bouts of sadness and gloom. I’ve always been like that.
I don’t read supermarket-lit like James Patterson either. And I try to stay away from anything that the masses love. Oprah book club picks=FAIL! I finished the Diane Arbus bio—she was a very famous photographer who committed suicide in the early 70s and was known for photographing “freaks.” I finished your father’s book. I’m now starting on another book—fiction this time—but can’t seem to get into it. I like non-fiction way better than fiction. Reality is always more interesting than fantasy.
I have this continual sense of loss and longing. Always waiting for something that seems like a bit of dust in the corner of my eye. I can’t never focus on exactly what it is. Arghhh… Just so restless all the time.
I entered my little dog in a Pet of the Month contest (this is what soon-to-be 39 year old single women do) and he won, so MINI will be in the local paper. I’ll try to get a few copies and send you the little write-up on him.
My birthday is May 16th, and I cannot believe I’m going to be 39. It sounds so old, yet I feel like I’m caught between being 12 and 100. I thought by 39 I’d feel I was a responsible adult. I just feel like an idiot most of the time. An idiot capable of paying rent, but an idiot nonetheless. I look around and think, “How did I get here?”
Anyway, I hope your arm isn’t causing you any pain right now and that you somehow get another radio. Do you keep letters that are written to you or do you throw them out? Or do the guards take them from you when you are done reading them? Who else do you write to?…I am assuming you have friends from home or people who reached out after reading about your case. I guess you must get hate mail too…
I’ll close by pasting in a piece I wrote about my trip to India. Hope it helps you pass a bit of time.
Be well, --KK
Hello! I just got your letter and am always so anxious to read them. It sucks that you had someone you wrote to for a year who was being deceptive. What did this pro-Death Penalty fellow hope to gain by writing? How did he finally tell you? Was he mean?
I can only reiterate that I enjoying writing to you and getting your responses so I’m not going to “flake out” and stop writing. There are periods when I’m busier than others so I may not always be so prolific or swift. You owe me no apology. Dude, I’m just the type of person who is going to question and push and all you have to do is tell me to politely cut it out or that you are uncomfortable discussing certain things. I’m very curious by nature. But I am not malicious. I was just trying to understand why you did what you did.
I know that article about my ex-husband was mean and very snarky. However, my ex-husband knew full-well what I was going to write. He agreed to be interviewed for that and his quotes in it are verbatim. We also interacted with each other like that. It was just the nature of our relationship—our dynamic. I was paid to editorialize about my relationship with him. However, you and I do not have an intimate relationship like I had with my husband. Semi-good natured ribbing in the press was something he expected and even kind of enjoyed. This is what I was getting at when I said I may post your letters or parts on my blog, but that I’d offer no editorialization. I didn’t mean that I don’t care or have thoughts, feelings, opinions….What I meant by that is that I wouldn’t ridicule them, agree or disagree, or insert myself into them or your experience at all. If I posted anything you said, it’d stand alone and anyone who read could draw their own conclusions without me trying to sway opinion in one way or another. I entered into writing to you with a very open mind, and I am committed to continuing to do so. I am not going to say anything bad about you either privately or publicly. No reason for me to.
Clearly, I do not condone murder, violence or crime of any sort. But beyond that, you are simply Thomas to me. Someone I think is incredibly intelligent but also very flawed. I’m both of those things too.
As for me, I do not want to get an MFA all that much. I enjoyed applying to Columbia and if on a miracle of a chance I got in, I’d feel like I won the lottery. I didn’t, and so I have no desire to apply elsewhere, like NYU, the New School, etc. I am, however, taking a writing course this summer---a short one—on how to get non-fiction published and how to write a non-fiction book proposal. Speaking of writing, I keep checking MinutesBeforeSix and there hasn’t been anything new there from you in months. What’s up with that?
I’m also signed up for a cooking class. I studied the basics of French cooking a year ago and would like to continue. I enjoy cooking and do it often. It is very relaxing. The classes are fun because they are also social. At the end of the five –hour session you sit together and drink wine and eat the five-course meal you have worked to prepare together.
I went to a Knicks/Nets game last night and had a hot dog. It was fun. I saw Spike Lee pacing courtside. The Knicks won. Tomorrow night I’m going to the Public Theater to see a play. Saturday night a visit with an ex-boyfriend—someone I dated before I was married. Life chugs along. I get bouts of sadness and gloom. I’ve always been like that.
I don’t read supermarket-lit like James Patterson either. And I try to stay away from anything that the masses love. Oprah book club picks=FAIL! I finished the Diane Arbus bio—she was a very famous photographer who committed suicide in the early 70s and was known for photographing “freaks.” I finished your father’s book. I’m now starting on another book—fiction this time—but can’t seem to get into it. I like non-fiction way better than fiction. Reality is always more interesting than fantasy.
I have this continual sense of loss and longing. Always waiting for something that seems like a bit of dust in the corner of my eye. I can’t never focus on exactly what it is. Arghhh… Just so restless all the time.
I entered my little dog in a Pet of the Month contest (this is what soon-to-be 39 year old single women do) and he won, so MINI will be in the local paper. I’ll try to get a few copies and send you the little write-up on him.
My birthday is May 16th, and I cannot believe I’m going to be 39. It sounds so old, yet I feel like I’m caught between being 12 and 100. I thought by 39 I’d feel I was a responsible adult. I just feel like an idiot most of the time. An idiot capable of paying rent, but an idiot nonetheless. I look around and think, “How did I get here?”
Anyway, I hope your arm isn’t causing you any pain right now and that you somehow get another radio. Do you keep letters that are written to you or do you throw them out? Or do the guards take them from you when you are done reading them? Who else do you write to?…I am assuming you have friends from home or people who reached out after reading about your case. I guess you must get hate mail too…
I’ll close by pasting in a piece I wrote about my trip to India. Hope it helps you pass a bit of time.
Be well, --KK
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Susan Smith, #2
Dear Kelly,
Hi to you! Yes, I did get your letter along w/the card of your dog on the front. I do so apologize for not writing sooner. I have been going through so much the last couple of months. I've been very stressed and depressed. I got moved on March 12 to a building I hate. Anyone under mental health care was moved to either Phoenix A or Phoenix B. They want all of us living together. I was not happy about the move and though I have adjusted, I still don't like it. On Montague, where I lived before, I lived in a quad with 35 others. I had springs on my bed, I could turn my room light on & off when I wanted, I could use the bathroom in privacy, the locker was bigger. On this building, there's a toilet & sink in the room, the room light stays on from 5:30am until 11:00pm every night, the lockers are 1/2 the size from Mont., the beds are hard metal, and 127 other people share the dayroom. It's 100% different. The only good thing is I only have one roommate whereas I had 2 in Mont. I would rather deal with an extra person than to live back here. Nothing is padded and there are no chairs anywhere except in the game room. It's a hard way to do time. We are stuck here as long as we take medication and I need my meds. We are going to work on making improvements where we can, starting with the light situation. It's ridiculous for these lights to be on 17 1/2 hours a day.
I've really been dealing with some other issues as well and it's just been difficult. Please forgive me for not writing. I'm going to respond to your letter. I do not have access to a computer, but I do have a television. No cable. Just your basic networks. I watch a good bit of tv due mostly to boredom. I watch "Dancing with the Stars," "Cold Case," "Ghost Whisperer," "Castle," "American Idol," "CSI," and "Prison Break." Those are the main shows. Do you watch much t.v.?
I also read The Glass Castle and it was quite interesting. I like to read those type books, too. I haven't read Running With Scissors, though. Is it good? I loved Marley and Me and want so much to se the movie. Have you seen it?
Like you, I love to travel. Unlike you, I haven't really had the opportunity to do much of it. It's a dream of mine to travel all over the world. I love the beach so I want to go to Hawaii, The Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, anywhere exotic. I'd also like to go to Australia. Love the accent. :)
You mentioned in your letter you were enclosing a story from "Our Town" you had published, but you didn't include it. It was not with your letters. Will you re-send it?
Have you met anyone special in the last 2 months? What happened to your marriage? I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. Marriage is tough and I don't know that I'll ever marry again. He would have to be pretty special.
Today is Easter so Happy Easter to you! Holidays are always hard. It's so beautiful outside & warm. A perfect day for hiding eggs and having fun outside. We always played softball or badminton when the family was all together. I sure miss those times, you know?
I'll close here. Hope all is well with you. I apologize again for not writing sooner. I'll do better. Take care and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Smiles & hugs,
Susan
[Ed.: There is a sticker of a dog pasted onto her stationary. I will take a photo and attach shortly.]
Hi to you! Yes, I did get your letter along w/the card of your dog on the front. I do so apologize for not writing sooner. I have been going through so much the last couple of months. I've been very stressed and depressed. I got moved on March 12 to a building I hate. Anyone under mental health care was moved to either Phoenix A or Phoenix B. They want all of us living together. I was not happy about the move and though I have adjusted, I still don't like it. On Montague, where I lived before, I lived in a quad with 35 others. I had springs on my bed, I could turn my room light on & off when I wanted, I could use the bathroom in privacy, the locker was bigger. On this building, there's a toilet & sink in the room, the room light stays on from 5:30am until 11:00pm every night, the lockers are 1/2 the size from Mont., the beds are hard metal, and 127 other people share the dayroom. It's 100% different. The only good thing is I only have one roommate whereas I had 2 in Mont. I would rather deal with an extra person than to live back here. Nothing is padded and there are no chairs anywhere except in the game room. It's a hard way to do time. We are stuck here as long as we take medication and I need my meds. We are going to work on making improvements where we can, starting with the light situation. It's ridiculous for these lights to be on 17 1/2 hours a day.
I've really been dealing with some other issues as well and it's just been difficult. Please forgive me for not writing. I'm going to respond to your letter. I do not have access to a computer, but I do have a television. No cable. Just your basic networks. I watch a good bit of tv due mostly to boredom. I watch "Dancing with the Stars," "Cold Case," "Ghost Whisperer," "Castle," "American Idol," "CSI," and "Prison Break." Those are the main shows. Do you watch much t.v.?
I also read The Glass Castle and it was quite interesting. I like to read those type books, too. I haven't read Running With Scissors, though. Is it good? I loved Marley and Me and want so much to se the movie. Have you seen it?
Like you, I love to travel. Unlike you, I haven't really had the opportunity to do much of it. It's a dream of mine to travel all over the world. I love the beach so I want to go to Hawaii, The Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, anywhere exotic. I'd also like to go to Australia. Love the accent. :)
You mentioned in your letter you were enclosing a story from "Our Town" you had published, but you didn't include it. It was not with your letters. Will you re-send it?
Have you met anyone special in the last 2 months? What happened to your marriage? I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. Marriage is tough and I don't know that I'll ever marry again. He would have to be pretty special.
Today is Easter so Happy Easter to you! Holidays are always hard. It's so beautiful outside & warm. A perfect day for hiding eggs and having fun outside. We always played softball or badminton when the family was all together. I sure miss those times, you know?
I'll close here. Hope all is well with you. I apologize again for not writing sooner. I'll do better. Take care and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Smiles & hugs,
Susan
[Ed.: There is a sticker of a dog pasted onto her stationary. I will take a photo and attach shortly.]
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Thomas Bart Whitaker, #4
Dear Kelly,
First off, I want to thank you for sending me that excellent article written in The New Yorker. More often than I like to admit, I feel myself losing it in some ways, and it is somewhat comforting to know that these periods of loss of self-control are common to men held in isolation, and not something specific to me. It is a product of context, in other words, a function of simply being a human being. It is also nice to know that there are at least a few people out there willing to look at these types of issues... Lamentably, very few of them located south of the Mason Dixon line. Nonetheless, I will take progress, regardless of its form. I've been going through one of those...shall we say "off" periods lately, and I owe you an apology. I had a pretty close pen-pal )whom I had been writing for nearly a year) turn out to be a member of a pro-DP organization (the ridiculously named "Justice for All"), and have had to come face-to-face with the realization that our entire relationship was little more than a fact-finding expedition. If I had actually said something negative, I have no doubt that this data would have found its way into the hands of the Attorney General for Texas. I'm just...tired, so tired, of meeting [Ed: illegible] men/women, or people who flake out on me or disappear without a trace. I guess I have entered into all of my recent pen-pal relationships with a sense of fatalism, already imagining how you (or anyone) are going to screw me. Forgive me? It wasn't fair of me to do this. I guess I foresaw a version of your blog where you give me the same treatment you hit your ex with. Yikes. As for the rest of what I meant about my inane "colossal damage" comment, I guess we will cross that path if we come to it.
I guess I should note that my life has been pretty rough lately. I'm on edge. I keep getting kick-doored by the shakedown crew...eight times so far. its been a mystery to me as to why they are so bloody convinced I have some serious contraband, but one of the guards resolved this conundrum last night. Seems someone keeps calling up to the unit, claiming I am calling them on a cell phone. No proof of this allegation is required, indeed, all of these callers have asked to remain anonymous from the prison officials. Reminds me of the old days in the Inquisition when anyone could say anything without proof, and have them tortured. I think they know I don't have anything but...power unchecked does what it wants to the point now where anytime I hear the gate pop, I'm preparing to get run in on. All I would have to do to stop this is stab a guard. See the fucked up lesson they teach? And either way, I lose. Violence is not the path I went to take. And so I get my books torn up, my sheets stepped on, etc. etc. I lost my radio last Wednesday and they are not selling them in the commissary until "maybe" late summer...see why I get a little nuts sometime? Add to that the fact that I can't find an attorney to help me with my medical issues...meh. Pain is a tyrant, and I know I would win a lawsuit against them, but who wants to help an inmate? Certainly not the ACLU; they shot me down, as it wasn't a class action suit (i.e: not enough cash involved.) How much do you charge per hour of therapy? I can pay in Ramen noodles.
I hate pity parties...just trying to explain my last letter, I guess. Sometimes the armor we put on ends up betraying us.
My paralegal course is going pretty well. I'm about sick of contractual law by this point. I had to take a step back from completing my BA. Ordered a book on correspondence courses which was written by an ex-prisoner for prisoners, so maybe I can reboot the whole enterprise with some better data. I also (finally) received my FAFAS form from Uncle Sam, so maybe I can get my hands on a grant of some sort. The fed seems to want to pay for everything else right now :-) I think the possibility of a Texas convict getting a Pell grant to be roughly equivalent to Mahmoud Amzdinz---however-the-fuck-you-spell-this-fuckface's-name-jad deciding to spontaneously attend a Gay Rights parade. But, I would try rather than leave a possible option unsearched. Have you given some thought to maybe working on your Masters at another school besides Columbia? Seems like there ought to be plenty of options in a city like NYC.
What do I like to read? Hm...by this point, anything I can get my hands on. I generally keep my distance from the James Pattersons of the world, so I find books written solely for money or "market" share to be a little too pedestrian. My last order from Amazon consisted of "The Kite Runner" by Hosseini, "[Ed.: illegible] Key by King (a gift for my friend Jeff, whose bday is this week), something by Sagan, and something by [Ed.: illegible] Warrag. I really need to cut back on this shit, but boredom is king around here, and at some point you are going to bow down to him. Seems like I did read something by that author, David Sedaris...a book review, I think. Something about drug abuse? "Going Down in Flames" or something to that affect? Bleh, I am so disconnected, Kelly, it hurts. Every once in a while, you get some table crumbs tossed to you from the living, but otherwise life has pretty much passed you by. You do things to convince yourself otherwise, but the truth never really escapes you. Maybe its not so different in the real world, except the distractions are better.
"Alice" sounds entertaining. There was a pretty decent novella I sometimes watched in Mexico, which took place in Rio. They simply dubbed the Mexican over the Portuguese, also. Can't remember the name of it for the life of me... had a portion of the show filmed in Morocco, also. Most of the novelas were pretty trashy, and it is hard for me to accept a version of reality where everyonej is perfect looking, all the bloody time. It never ceased to amaze me how people with little more than a pot to piss in could become so engrossed in the tales of the ultra-wealthy, without one iota of anger. Didn't they understand that all the rich pretty residents of Mexico City attained their wealth at the expense of the populace? When I asked this, the answer surprised me: of course they knew. They also knew that that was the way things had always been and always would be. Made me sad.
Well, what's new in your life? Work going well? The weather has started to best up so I am staring to brace for the dog days of summer. Take care of yourself, Kelly, until next time.
TBW
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #8
Dear KK---
Sorry for the delay in responding to your series of sparkling letters! I could truly listen to you all day and then some... Unfortunately I had some legal letters to take care of--and they always take longer than one thinks. I had hoped to get this out to you on Thursday. Depending on time, this may or may not be another two-part letter. C'est la vie.
Let me begin by telling you that the stamps are amazing, with your (to me) "iconic" photograph! Do you know many people who take advantage of that unique option from the post office?
I'm actually not surprised at your comments re "SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK". Before it came out there was quite a bit of buzz over another film by Charlie Kaufman--whose body of work was fairly impressive: "Being John Malkovich"; "Adaptation"; "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".
A note on "Being John Malkovich"--to me just an amazing film--so original, and despite its totally bizarre premise-hung together very well. I barely recognized Cameron Diaz at first!
Anyway, then "SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK" went to the critics. And the Times Manohla Dargis gave it this astonishingly brilliant review-calling it one of the best films of the year, and giving Oscar nods to almost everyone in the film. However: the general criticism was summed up best by a reviewer I saw on TV, who said, that "if ten people saw the film: One would absolutely love it and nine would hate the film and probably walk out before it was over.
*Brief Digression: Because you mentioned a shared fascination wit names. Your name is delightfully alliterative-so I mist ask you -- what was your maiden name? Not so quick off the tongue? My name: not so much.
A name I think is also great: EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY I have the same fascination with words--some are just beautiful to see and pronounce, period: INCANDESCENT ++, MESMERIZE
* As you've probably learned by now, my letters & even sentences tend to wander & digress considerably. I guess I treat letters as more of a conversation. My role model must be Laurence Stern & Tristam Shondy!
Back to your most-appreciated comments on the film (you are the first person I know who has actually seen it). It sounds as though Kaufman became "too clever by half", to use a once popular phrase. My understanding was that as Hoffman/Cotard began building his "model" of New York City, it gradually grew larger and larger & more & more complex until it eventually consumed everything in his life. plus I gather there was a lot of self-referential circular logic; i.e.-A true-to-life "model" of Cotard's New York would also include Cotard building a model of New York, and so on...mirrors within mirrors.
Sounded very ambitious and very difficult to pull off. And I tend to believe your reaction than a single review by a clearly "smitten" Ms. Dargis.
Thanks-If I get a chance to see it, I will tell you what I think.
On the brighter side, it appears "Sunshine Cleaning" lived up to its good reviews. I did see "Junebug" and agree with you on the film and Ms. Adams. So many movies, so little time. I am impressed by the number you see. Then again, only in New York or L.A. would you even have the chance! : Regarding the ones you mentioned:
>I also saw a review of "Goodbye Solo" apparently the story of a Senegalese cab driver in Winston-Salem, NC and his interaction with a "mysterious white Southerner." Sounds original and well-written.
>"Education of Charlie Banks" - Fred Durst's directorial debut-the "At the Movies" reviewers seemed to like it.
>"Shall We Kiss?" (French). This one I have not heard of; but I am a huge fan of French cinema. Past & current.
Did You See Kristen Scott Thomas in the French Film
Kristin Scott Thomas is another actress who I will watch in almost any film. Here she is just riveting-playing her role obviously underweight, pale skin and no makeup. (It's on DVD now).
I hesitate to recommend it, since "PRIMER" was clearly not your cup of tea. :-) But that's one of the reasons. I am so intrigued & fascinated-you have strong & intelligent opinions & I love that.
Digression: Anything you wish to talk about is simply fine with me. It sounds like you've had enough of the "male perspective" on things to last you a lifetime-but despite being where I am presently, I've lived a very full life in every sense of the word--places, people (male & female) emoticons, travels. So feel free to go in any direction you want, KK, I'll follow.
Hope you don't mind me giving my personal reactions to your "Out of the Box" columns / and (when you send them!) your "Unbearable Heaviness of Being" diary-cum-blog. To me to whole point of what you write is to shine a light on the vast array of human experience for each person who read it.
Back to films: Thinks for the additional comments on "Two Lovers". It seems like Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't been in many films lately. "PROOF" '05 [film adaption of the play.] was interesting [I'm a mat geek, what can I say?]I have not seen "Possession", but wanted to beacause it was directed by Neil LaBute.
Joaquin Phoenix is always worth watching. Until he grew the giant beard in this latest incarnation [ is it a hoax, or not? ] I'm sure "the ladies" watched him on scrren for more than just his acting.
I think I'm the only person liked M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village" ...
Two fascinating Phoenix films-both under-appreciated in my opinion: "Clay Pigeons"; and the harrowing, brutal film, "8MM". You cannot make a film about a "snuff film" and not have it to be brutal & bleak & disturbing. But good-or so I thought.
"Walk the Line": I think the reason he wasn't more honored for his work in that film was because co-star Reese Witherspoon seemed to overwhelm the critics-and of course took home the Oscar for "Best Actress."
Ran acorss, the enclosed items concerning two current films:
>LYMELIFE-"the late - 70s set Long Island cousin of "American Beauty."
>"BAADER-MEINITOF COMPLEX" (German) (German cinema also a favorite of mine.) [Actually, as you can probably tell there are very few films I would not go to see with you or watch on DVD!]
***
In watching again the first & second seasons of "Lost" - I think the episode that clinched it for me was early in the 2nd Season: "ORIENTATION." That's the one where they showed that bizarre & utterly mesmerizing training film from The Dharma Initiative. To me, that opened up so many questions-and I haven't stopped asking since.
Not sure if you saw the most recent two episodes. There is a fascinating conversation about the island's time travel. Miles (or it it the other "scientist"?) Miles (or is it the other "scientist"?) believes that where they are NOW IS their "present" - but for the child Ben and all the others it is their "past". At the same time?! Clearly a logical contraction - or is it?
<Now you can see why I want to read the script of "PRIMER" to find out exactly what the director thought was going on!> The paradoxes of time travel are endlessly interesting...
I have not seen "9 1/2 Weeks" for quite some time, but I vividly recall the scene with the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On."
A couple of years ago. I saw some photos of Mickey Rourke and did not believe it was the same same-so radically had his appearance changed.
Sorry to drop that comment about Madoff without proper context. If you think of the federal system as a series of funnels--everyone is initially funnelled into intake centers like MCC-essentially pre-trial or pre-sentencing incarnation. Because of that these places are not set up for long-term stays. Once Madoff is sentenced, he will go to a "better" place from his point of view.
Actually, this goes to a larger issue which I want to discuss in greater detail. Let me get my thoughts together and share it with you in a future letter. Essentially it is this: Remember Orwell's famous line from ANIMAL FARM: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others" ? To paraphrase: While it may be correct that "all prison is awful", it is also correct that "some prison" is far, far more awful than others. Indeed there are as many degrees of gradation in incarceration as there are degrees of freedom.
KK-Madoff & this subject are clearly much more "serious" than some others-but with no w/p editing possible-my letters often have no rhyme or reason, insofar as level of importance, etc. & order.
***
Continuing with your mini-series of letters.
>I do not know the photography of Cindy Sherman-although her name does sound familiar. Plus I've seen some photo spreads of particular actors/ actresses dressed as various personas. Send a couple of the photos from her exhibition. It sounds like she takes it to a whole other level.
>You know, it may not be Africa, but India is about as exotic as it gets. Do tell me more about that adventure. And it sounds like you have the rarest of all human creatures: someone you can travel with-for long periods of time-without throwing them of the cruise boat or train!
From some of your columns, I had the idea that you were quite the cook! You mentioned chicken curry-did you bring back any extra-special recipes or techniques from India/or has that always been a favorite?
My favorites? Can't name one but like you I will name several: Seafood: esp. scallops, crab, shrimp-whether broiled, sautéed, fried, etc. Those "unhealthy" meats-steak & pork. One thing I did in Africa was eat virtually every game meat you can imagine. Ostrich, giraffe, wildebeest. And no-they don't all taste like chicken! however, having lived in the south much of childhood-fried chicken is part of my DNA-the crispier & more deep fried the better. I know-amazing I'm still here; however, the diet here is actually quite balanced and healthy.
I must get this in the mail, but I still have more to talk about & discuss from your letters. Mainly those brilliant articles you so kindly sent: "Author, Author" by David Sedaris, "Hell Hole" and "Sex and the Single Bed" by KK.
By the way, I truly love the New Yorker. Feel free to share anything from that magazine at any time.
So I will get those comments out to you pronto. "Part 2"
I ran across this column by Michael Wilson from the Sunday NY Times. [I see it on occasion]. It reminded me so much of your column, I thought I would send it along. You've probably already seen it & read it, but on the off chance that was one of your busier weekends...
Like I said-More to follow shortly. Stay warm, stay safe, and hope to hear from you again soon. Look forward to more of your columns and your BLOG/diary (exactly what do I call it?!)
P.S. We must talk about these migraines.
[Ed.: He enclosed the aforementioned film reviews and this article from the NYT, which I had, indeed, already read: Who Ordered Gigli?
Friday, April 10, 2009
Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango & Whitaker
Recently I was asked what I write to these inmates and if I will include them in my Letters from the Inside project. I posted the first intro letter I send to most of them. After that I alternate between typing up letters of response to theirs--these I keep saved on my computer--and handwriting small cards. Obviously the cards I do not have copies of.
However, I will post my two latest writings to Thomas Bart Whitaker and Swango, respectively.
I try never to say anything about my feelings towards their crimes. To clarify, of course I have feelings about that and their writings, but it is not my intention to bad-mouth or exploit them either to them personally through letters or online. Hence my rule of trying not to editorialize. I post their writings (and my own) for you to have a reaction. Whatever it may be... I don't want to lead your opinions. That is what art is, isn't it? Letting the viewer feel whatever they are going to and not trying to dictate what the "right" response is?
***
Hello Thomas:
This letter will be written in fits and spurts. I am sitting here with the most dastardly migraine ever. In 2005 I was in a serious vespa accident with my friend Stefani (She was the driver; I was on the back.) A van hit us head-on, but luckily I saw it coming and just let go and flew off without being hit. My friend was not so lucky. She was actually hit by the van and flipped over the bars. Both of her arms were broken in so many places she has metal rods in them and was in casts for well over six months. She has had multiple surgeries and had brain damage. It has been years and she is almost back to normal. Her brain injury has cleared up considerably and she recently had a baby. I was in the delivery room as her birth coach. Because of this accidentI hurt my jaw in itI get awful migraines from TMJ. I have one now and am trying to distract myself by writing.
I am thinking of you because I am reading your father's book. I am almost finished. I assume you have read it. The part at the end makes total sense. About the masks, and all. Not feeling you had an identity or strong sense of self. Again, these seem to be your fathers words so Im not sure you exactly said that I just wanted to say that I will try to keep from having any expectations of you. Im sorry if my questions were heavy and stressful. We can keep it light
If anything I ask is upsetting or makes you feel that I am expecting somethingor too much of somethingjust ignore it or tell me to shut up.
I read you used to bicycle. I have never learned to ride a bike. I grew up really poor. We were on welfare. So I never learned. I also never learned to drive a car. I admire that you were so proficient at it (the bike riding), covering such long distances. I have tried but almost never can do it. However, oddly, once I was on a small, three mile island off the coast of Belize called Caye Caulker, and there were no cars. We rented bikes for $2 for the day. I got on, and miraculously I rode all around with no problem. It was really surprising. I guess it was of the sand and no traffic. The only hazard were chickens running about. When I returned home, that summer I got on a bike at the beach and immediately fell off. Try as I might I couldnt do it. The magic was gone.
I also learned you were engaged! Did you ever get to speak to the fianc again? Do you write to each other? This may be a touchy subject, so of course, feel free to ignore it
Actually my ex-husband and I are friends now. We both enjoy ribbing each other but our relationship is not contentious. We arent very close, but we keep in touch.
I keep going to your blog anxiously waiting for another posting. I assume it is quite time-consuming, especially with your schooling and others things like letters to write. Still, those blog entries are so well written.
I had promised to send some blog entries so Im going to paste in a sampling below.
Be well.
KK
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your 2nd letter. You are catching me with another migraine. I usually take Imitrex but my insurance doesnt cover anymore so they gave me a replacement, Relpax, which works. However, it seems that when I take it I get rebound headaches. Luckily today is a Saturday and I only had planned to run some errands and go to the used bookstore. There is this great bookstore in the basement of the local library that is housed in an old brownstone. I love that place. I am almost done with the Diane Arbus bio. So Im up for a new book. However, I literally have shelves of books I havent read that I want to. I hoard books like a demented squirrel would nuts.
So today I walked my little dachshund, Mini, and a lady informed me the famed Dachshund meetup in Washington Square Park is April 25th. I have never been but I am going to try. Mini would love it and I love weiner dogs.
Thanks for the kind comments on the samplings from Outside the Box. I need to clarify something though. The dating column is what you have been reading and what is referenced in the Observer article. The blog, The Unbearable Heaviness of Being, is not anything to do with dating/sex. It is merely a recounting of my days and quirky happenings I observe in NYC. I have been writing it for over 9 years and its premise is that a single woman in NYC cant have and keep these three things: a great job, an affordable, safe apt. and a stable relationship. The minute I try to get the third, the other one or two fall off. Its kinda mathematical. I sent you in the last letter that I mailed yesterday a sample blog entry. It is about a pigeon.
I read your Richardson info. with interest and have not heard even rumors of any kind of investigation. While I do know many NY journalists I specialize in doing PR only for the real estate industry so I have no access to those who would be doing serious investigative reporting. I am going to Google this later to see if there are any mentions on the web of an investigation or any inkling of error on the doctors/hospitals part.
As for Dexter, yes, it is on my list of things to rent. I have so many things I want to see that it will take time. Right now Im enthralled with a series called ALICE on HBO-L (Latin) that I can watch ON-Demand with English subtitles. It is my new fave show and I eagerly look forward to Mondays to see the new one. Youd like it Im sure b/c it takes place in Sao Paolo and the lead, Alice, is very pretty and interesting. I am also trying to rent the first season of In Treatment starring Gabriel Byrne. The new ones start tomorrow but I need to see the first season first. I didnt have HBO for a long time so I have a lot of catch-up to do now that I have it.
I will send more of my writing, of course, and am pasting in a blog entry below. Also, I will not send the Letter to Paul Janka for several reasons. It was forced upon me to write by the editor of the paper and I hated doing it. It was not well-written and way too graphic and completely inappropriate to send.
And quickly, yes, in 2005, I was fired for having a blog. It is a long story, but back then blogs were new things. I never wrote about my job or companyonly my own life and certainly nothing perverted, graphic, etc. I was wooed by another company to work for them and quit my job. My boss took it very personally and my newly hired asst. who I hated was promoted within one week to my job. No matter, I was gone. But then my old boss wooed me back with a much higher salary and I decided to go back. My evil asst. was livid that she was once again an asst. and hacked into my blog (it was passcoded then as it is once again) and passed it around the office. My ex-boss was angry at the disruption and fired me. He said Id never work in real estate in NYC again. It was daunting and I was very upset. He was working, however, on the assumption that Id want to keep my firing quiet, but instead I publicized it. The NY Post picked up the story, doing a full-page article on it; Crains followed. I was invited on tv shows, etc. I parlayed it into starting my own firm and the rest is history. It has been 4 years and it all worked out. From that I ended up getting a job filling in for a TV reporter for the biggest morning show in the UK on GMTV. I did some segments on wacky NY trends. It was great fun and the clips are on youtube, I believe.
Okay, enough for now, because my head is going to explode, and I need to head to the bookstore before it closes.
KK
However, I will post my two latest writings to Thomas Bart Whitaker and Swango, respectively.
I try never to say anything about my feelings towards their crimes. To clarify, of course I have feelings about that and their writings, but it is not my intention to bad-mouth or exploit them either to them personally through letters or online. Hence my rule of trying not to editorialize. I post their writings (and my own) for you to have a reaction. Whatever it may be... I don't want to lead your opinions. That is what art is, isn't it? Letting the viewer feel whatever they are going to and not trying to dictate what the "right" response is?
***
Hello Thomas:
This letter will be written in fits and spurts. I am sitting here with the most dastardly migraine ever. In 2005 I was in a serious vespa accident with my friend Stefani (She was the driver; I was on the back.) A van hit us head-on, but luckily I saw it coming and just let go and flew off without being hit. My friend was not so lucky. She was actually hit by the van and flipped over the bars. Both of her arms were broken in so many places she has metal rods in them and was in casts for well over six months. She has had multiple surgeries and had brain damage. It has been years and she is almost back to normal. Her brain injury has cleared up considerably and she recently had a baby. I was in the delivery room as her birth coach. Because of this accidentI hurt my jaw in itI get awful migraines from TMJ. I have one now and am trying to distract myself by writing.
I am thinking of you because I am reading your father's book. I am almost finished. I assume you have read it. The part at the end makes total sense. About the masks, and all. Not feeling you had an identity or strong sense of self. Again, these seem to be your fathers words so Im not sure you exactly said that I just wanted to say that I will try to keep from having any expectations of you. Im sorry if my questions were heavy and stressful. We can keep it light
If anything I ask is upsetting or makes you feel that I am expecting somethingor too much of somethingjust ignore it or tell me to shut up.
I read you used to bicycle. I have never learned to ride a bike. I grew up really poor. We were on welfare. So I never learned. I also never learned to drive a car. I admire that you were so proficient at it (the bike riding), covering such long distances. I have tried but almost never can do it. However, oddly, once I was on a small, three mile island off the coast of Belize called Caye Caulker, and there were no cars. We rented bikes for $2 for the day. I got on, and miraculously I rode all around with no problem. It was really surprising. I guess it was of the sand and no traffic. The only hazard were chickens running about. When I returned home, that summer I got on a bike at the beach and immediately fell off. Try as I might I couldnt do it. The magic was gone.
I also learned you were engaged! Did you ever get to speak to the fianc again? Do you write to each other? This may be a touchy subject, so of course, feel free to ignore it
Actually my ex-husband and I are friends now. We both enjoy ribbing each other but our relationship is not contentious. We arent very close, but we keep in touch.
I keep going to your blog anxiously waiting for another posting. I assume it is quite time-consuming, especially with your schooling and others things like letters to write. Still, those blog entries are so well written.
I had promised to send some blog entries so Im going to paste in a sampling below.
Be well.
KK
***
Hello Michael,
Just got your 2nd letter. You are catching me with another migraine. I usually take Imitrex but my insurance doesnt cover anymore so they gave me a replacement, Relpax, which works. However, it seems that when I take it I get rebound headaches. Luckily today is a Saturday and I only had planned to run some errands and go to the used bookstore. There is this great bookstore in the basement of the local library that is housed in an old brownstone. I love that place. I am almost done with the Diane Arbus bio. So Im up for a new book. However, I literally have shelves of books I havent read that I want to. I hoard books like a demented squirrel would nuts.
So today I walked my little dachshund, Mini, and a lady informed me the famed Dachshund meetup in Washington Square Park is April 25th. I have never been but I am going to try. Mini would love it and I love weiner dogs.
Thanks for the kind comments on the samplings from Outside the Box. I need to clarify something though. The dating column is what you have been reading and what is referenced in the Observer article. The blog, The Unbearable Heaviness of Being, is not anything to do with dating/sex. It is merely a recounting of my days and quirky happenings I observe in NYC. I have been writing it for over 9 years and its premise is that a single woman in NYC cant have and keep these three things: a great job, an affordable, safe apt. and a stable relationship. The minute I try to get the third, the other one or two fall off. Its kinda mathematical. I sent you in the last letter that I mailed yesterday a sample blog entry. It is about a pigeon.
I read your Richardson info. with interest and have not heard even rumors of any kind of investigation. While I do know many NY journalists I specialize in doing PR only for the real estate industry so I have no access to those who would be doing serious investigative reporting. I am going to Google this later to see if there are any mentions on the web of an investigation or any inkling of error on the doctors/hospitals part.
As for Dexter, yes, it is on my list of things to rent. I have so many things I want to see that it will take time. Right now Im enthralled with a series called ALICE on HBO-L (Latin) that I can watch ON-Demand with English subtitles. It is my new fave show and I eagerly look forward to Mondays to see the new one. Youd like it Im sure b/c it takes place in Sao Paolo and the lead, Alice, is very pretty and interesting. I am also trying to rent the first season of In Treatment starring Gabriel Byrne. The new ones start tomorrow but I need to see the first season first. I didnt have HBO for a long time so I have a lot of catch-up to do now that I have it.
I will send more of my writing, of course, and am pasting in a blog entry below. Also, I will not send the Letter to Paul Janka for several reasons. It was forced upon me to write by the editor of the paper and I hated doing it. It was not well-written and way too graphic and completely inappropriate to send.
And quickly, yes, in 2005, I was fired for having a blog. It is a long story, but back then blogs were new things. I never wrote about my job or companyonly my own life and certainly nothing perverted, graphic, etc. I was wooed by another company to work for them and quit my job. My boss took it very personally and my newly hired asst. who I hated was promoted within one week to my job. No matter, I was gone. But then my old boss wooed me back with a much higher salary and I decided to go back. My evil asst. was livid that she was once again an asst. and hacked into my blog (it was passcoded then as it is once again) and passed it around the office. My ex-boss was angry at the disruption and fired me. He said Id never work in real estate in NYC again. It was daunting and I was very upset. He was working, however, on the assumption that Id want to keep my firing quiet, but instead I publicized it. The NY Post picked up the story, doing a full-page article on it; Crains followed. I was invited on tv shows, etc. I parlayed it into starting my own firm and the rest is history. It has been 4 years and it all worked out. From that I ended up getting a job filling in for a TV reporter for the biggest morning show in the UK on GMTV. I did some segments on wacky NY trends. It was great fun and the clips are on youtube, I believe.
Okay, enough for now, because my head is going to explode, and I need to head to the bookstore before it closes.
KK
Poison
It has been days nows. I have a migraine that makes the whole left side of my head feel like someone kicked it in like a mushy melon. Sure, I get migraines. I have gotten awful ones since the Vespa accident. They come from my jaw not fitting together properly and spasming. I usually take Imitrex, but last year my insurance company would not longer cover it, instead offering up Relpax, which seems to work within an hour.
But these last 2 weeks I have had one every single day. The pill will alleviate it a bit for a while but then it comes back. My stomach hurts, I get diarrhea and light/sound/smells upset me.
Last night I felt so sick. Like I should be running to the ER kind of sick. I even went to get a massage hoping it'd help.
I was restless; laying down makes it worse because even something as soft as a pillow hurts.
I reread Swango's letters. Two in two days. Hm..they seem to be coming fast and furious. I sit back and think, what am I doing this for? How do I feel about these characters. It is this helping me understand and cope with what John did? I don't have answers yet, but I keep on, compelled.
My therapist thinks this book idea is genius and the dude is pretty fucking smart, so I will choose--right now at least--to believe in him even if I can't believe in myself.
God the pounding was and is something awful.
I decided to Google Swango and stare at his picture.
And I came across this passage in an article written about him in a book that chronicled his crimes:
Headaches began. Pounding, dizzying headaches. Always troubled by migraines, KK had never experienced anything as miserable as these. For a while she attributed them to tension but deep down inside she wondered if Swango was dropping chemicals in her food. She was a nurse, a good one, and she most likely feared the worst.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and rushed back to her mother's house in Virginia. Away from Swango, the headaches abruptly ended.
Gone from him, she continued to love him. Perhaps she continued to believe, meekly, that Swango was innocent and all would be right in the end. But, she couldn't, just couldn't, explain why those headaches vanished the day she left.
She weighed her emotions, separated her hopes from the obvious, until the obvious became too unbearable. And then she committed suicide.
At her apartment police found a note left behind, addressed to her mom and Al Cooper:
"I love you both so much. I just didn't want to be here anymore. Just found day-to-day living a constant struggle with my thoughts. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I feel that sense of peace, 'peace of mind,' I've been looking for. It's nice."
An addendum below, to Michael, read:
"I love you more! You're the most precious man I've ever known.
"Love, KK"
My Goodness! I knew he had affianced a woman named KK. (She would have been my age if not for that dastardly suicide.) But the headaches. And finding that passage about them, when his letters came so frequently that matched with the intensity of the migraines I am getting. I allowed myself to become paranoid and think maybe he is putting something on these letters to poison me.
I talked to a friend whose husband is a police sargeant. She said that maybe I wasn't being paranoid. I also noted that I have always thought it odd that he wraps a blank sheet of paper around his letters. Paper is hard to come by for prisoners and I have always thought it strange that he wastes a whole sheet of it in each envelope. His letters range from 5-11 pages, long hand, so there is no need to cover them in a blank sheet to hide the words from view through the envelope.
Later that night my friend called me and said her husband had said he thinks it is highly likely Swango is dousing them with some sort of cleaning agent or heavy metal and that I should get bloodwork done.
There is NO way I can go to my general practitioner and request she look for poison. She is the one I went to the day after I found out about the "poison" John exposed me for two years.
And then I came upon this:
She said arsenic was found in her daughter's body at the time of her death. Before her death, Ms. Kinney showed signs of arsenic poisoning, such as vomiting, migraine headaches, nausea and disorientation, Mrs. Cooper said.
We know that he poisoned Kristin Kinney, said Al Cooper, Ms. Kinney's stepfather.
Swango fiancee Kristin Kinney killed herself. Her parents believe arsenic poisoning caused mental disorientation that triggered the suicide.
For Your Reading Pleasure
But these last 2 weeks I have had one every single day. The pill will alleviate it a bit for a while but then it comes back. My stomach hurts, I get diarrhea and light/sound/smells upset me.
Last night I felt so sick. Like I should be running to the ER kind of sick. I even went to get a massage hoping it'd help.
I was restless; laying down makes it worse because even something as soft as a pillow hurts.
I reread Swango's letters. Two in two days. Hm..they seem to be coming fast and furious. I sit back and think, what am I doing this for? How do I feel about these characters. It is this helping me understand and cope with what John did? I don't have answers yet, but I keep on, compelled.
My therapist thinks this book idea is genius and the dude is pretty fucking smart, so I will choose--right now at least--to believe in him even if I can't believe in myself.
God the pounding was and is something awful.
I decided to Google Swango and stare at his picture.
And I came across this passage in an article written about him in a book that chronicled his crimes:
Headaches began. Pounding, dizzying headaches. Always troubled by migraines, KK had never experienced anything as miserable as these. For a while she attributed them to tension but deep down inside she wondered if Swango was dropping chemicals in her food. She was a nurse, a good one, and she most likely feared the worst.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and rushed back to her mother's house in Virginia. Away from Swango, the headaches abruptly ended.
Gone from him, she continued to love him. Perhaps she continued to believe, meekly, that Swango was innocent and all would be right in the end. But, she couldn't, just couldn't, explain why those headaches vanished the day she left.
She weighed her emotions, separated her hopes from the obvious, until the obvious became too unbearable. And then she committed suicide.
At her apartment police found a note left behind, addressed to her mom and Al Cooper:
"I love you both so much. I just didn't want to be here anymore. Just found day-to-day living a constant struggle with my thoughts. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I feel that sense of peace, 'peace of mind,' I've been looking for. It's nice."
An addendum below, to Michael, read:
"I love you more! You're the most precious man I've ever known.
"Love, KK"
My Goodness! I knew he had affianced a woman named KK. (She would have been my age if not for that dastardly suicide.) But the headaches. And finding that passage about them, when his letters came so frequently that matched with the intensity of the migraines I am getting. I allowed myself to become paranoid and think maybe he is putting something on these letters to poison me.
I talked to a friend whose husband is a police sargeant. She said that maybe I wasn't being paranoid. I also noted that I have always thought it odd that he wraps a blank sheet of paper around his letters. Paper is hard to come by for prisoners and I have always thought it strange that he wastes a whole sheet of it in each envelope. His letters range from 5-11 pages, long hand, so there is no need to cover them in a blank sheet to hide the words from view through the envelope.
Later that night my friend called me and said her husband had said he thinks it is highly likely Swango is dousing them with some sort of cleaning agent or heavy metal and that I should get bloodwork done.
There is NO way I can go to my general practitioner and request she look for poison. She is the one I went to the day after I found out about the "poison" John exposed me for two years.
And then I came upon this:
She said arsenic was found in her daughter's body at the time of her death. Before her death, Ms. Kinney showed signs of arsenic poisoning, such as vomiting, migraine headaches, nausea and disorientation, Mrs. Cooper said.
We know that he poisoned Kristin Kinney, said Al Cooper, Ms. Kinney's stepfather.
Swango fiancee Kristin Kinney killed herself. Her parents believe arsenic poisoning caused mental disorientation that triggered the suicide.
For Your Reading Pleasure
