Letters from the Outside, In, KK to Swango, #55

Hello,

I have a few letters here from you that I have not answered. I’m home, not feeling well (what do you know about Grape Seed Extract?), so now is a good opportunity to answer some of your questions and ask you some more. You know, because I KNOW you LOVE when I ask a billion questions. Ha!

First, I was wondering, how you get money in jail? You mentioned stamp shipments and pens…do you get a stipend? I know there are stores—commissaries—in jails, right? What are they like? How about food..you mentioned this before, albeit briefly. Please give me a run down of a full day’s meals and what exactly you were given to eat. I assume there may be ways you can eat non-delivered prison food, like buying chips at a commissary.

Can it be dangerous where you are? It’s a maximum security prison, right? So there must be some scary sorts there, no? Are there fights? Drugs? Bugs?

You asked what it is about True Crime shows—like First 48, 48 Hour Mystery, America’s Most Wanted---that I like. I find it fascinating when an ordinary seeming person kills someone else. The mystery of it. I’m not interested in gang members or drug crimes or murders out of robbery. I’m more interested in the bizarre murders. The ones that show no real reason why someone would do that. Like the Yale murder recently. The Essex House murder. The Craigslist murderer. All of these people were smart, worked at regular jobs, were educated… And YOU! You are a doctor! I guess it is that I mistakenly thought that criminals committed harsh crimes because they weren’t intelligent or educated enough. But these crime shows usually highlight someone who is very intelligent and educated. Look at you for example. You are super smart and well-read, have interests that are similar to most. Except for that ONE BIG THING. That’s what fascinates me.

Please understand I am fully against anything that breaks the law and think all those that do should be punished to the fullest extent. I’m not saying I LIKE these things. I actually hate the thought of loss of life. It repulses me. Yet, I want to understand why there is a compulsion, for some, to kill.

This is why I asked you what you felt when you killed someone. But you said you felt nothing. That there weren’t any real thoughts on it. But then the question begs to be asked: Why do it then? We tend to do things for a feeling of pleasure or a payoff of some sort. But it seems from your response there was no payoff for you…. Can you clarify?

In your very specific case, why do you think you did it? Do you think you had a mental illness? I think I asked before if you were evaluated by a psychiatrist and I believe you said you weren’t. You are also not medicated, so I assume they do not think you have an illness. But if there is no mental imbalance, then why?

You say that was then, not now and I get that you no longer have the desire to kill. (Let’s hope you don’t want to kill me after all these annoying questions and commentary…ha!) Ok then, if the compulsion is gone now, why was it there for all those years in the first place. Did you ever discuss this stuff with KK? I know from the book she had no idea what you were up to, but did you ever have deep talks with her where you let on you might not be exactly like everyone else? Again, I’m just fascinated with all of this. I mean no harm.

When you first got arrested—I think you were detained in an airport---what happened? What happened to all of your stuff? Did you have an apt? If so, what happens then? When you were first brought in for questioning, and then fully committed to prison, what do they tell you? Are there prison rules they go over? Was it hard to adapt to this strange new living space and life?

I often wonder how I’d do in jail. I am pretty wimpy so I assume I’d get beat up a lot. Although I’m pretty funny, so maybe I could entertain the others? Not sure how it works, but it all sounds overwhelming.

We keep coming back to your desire to talk more deeply about sex. Can you be more specific about what you want? If there is something you want to share, go ahead. I’ll let you know what I think about it when you write and send it.

As I mentioned I am involved in a court case (I am the plaintiff) and because of its high profile and very sensitive nature, I must be extremely careful about what I say/write. This is one of the primary reasons I no longer keep a public blog, write sex/dating columns, date very little, etc.

That article on miniature art should have been called: It’s a Small World. It thrilled me! What an amazing thing. What a weird and awesome talent this man has. What paper is this from?

I have never seen Gossip Girl.

I’m dying to see Paranormal Activity! I do not want to see it alone though so I will wait for one of two guy friends to take me. Probably some time next week. Hope it is still playing by then.

This school teacher Don Draper is with it way too clingy. She annoys me. I’d rather the ice princess, Betty. Such a great show! Curb Your Enthusiasm begins the Seinfeld reunion stuff next week!!!

I have never seen Silence of the Lambs. I thought it would be way too unnerving. Pls. tell me what it is about. I know the title character is a diabolical serial killer…..right? One might think it ironic that you quote from there…

Well, I think we are all caught up on your letters now.

I have a huge stack of magazines to read through now while laying on the couch with a little dog…

Be well,

KK