Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #13 & #14

Dear Kelly,

Surely by now you are in good health and enjoying the sun at the pool, getting your tan on. We had some beautifully nasty storms come through here Tuesday that bought down driving rain so fast, you couldn't see thirty yards away. It bent and swayed these enormous ash and elm trees. Thunderous roars came rolling across the sky and reverberated in my chest. Just awesome.

I like those Tables for Two, not just when they are interesting, but because it describes a place I cannot go. It's a glimpse into the free world.

Thanks for the advice on blogging. I'll have my mom set it up this month. Fun! :-)

Dear God--there is this Subway commercial for flatbread sandwiches that HAUNTS me. Everytime it comes on, I can't sit through it, I have to change the radio station or turn off the volume. It's absurd. I dont' know why it annoys me, but it's serious. That and there's all these commercials on the radio for diamonds and jewelry stores. They are on AM, FM, rock, sports, country, pop, everywhere. I think it's because they talk so damn long and I think about the state of the economy, and with people losing their homes and jobs and they're like, "Come spend six months salary on a rock!"

Seems really insensitive to me. I know it's all business and there are plenty of people out there with disposable income, but I highly doubt they are home listening to WZPL. They have XM radio or iPods or whatever. Rant over.

How did your Hot Summer Nights Cooking Class go?

Congratulations on winning the Story Slam Event. I wish I could have heard it. You knew the subject beforehand; I wonder how long you will have to prepare for the Finals. What do you win? How many people compete? I'm so glad you had fun! Did you take people with you to witness your greatness?

I laughed at the advertisement for DEVROM (the anti-smell drug) because I look at the older couple and wonder how much they got paid to use their photo in a smelly fart/poop ad. FUNNY!

I culd mass market that stuff in here!

What a sad (and funny) story about Theresa. I imagine your place is similar to what mine was in Chicago, where you can hear your immediate neighbors, not through the walls, but through the doors.

So you get ot know your neighbors, hear what music they listen to, what shows they watch, smell what food they cook, what they argue or laugh about, when they fuck loudly---without ever having to talk to them. I used to be very courteous with my guitar and my TV/music, and keep the TV turned down when we'd watch pornos, (there were kids around) but I can't imagine what my neighbor thought about me during my unrestrained moments of pleasure. God, that's embarassing.

Still working on my book. Got another inquiry for an interview from an author who will be publishing a novel through Berkley/Penguin, and a TV News interview request yesterday as a one-year follow up.

Hey, what was the name of the book the father wrote about forgiving his son for killing his family? I'd like to know who the agent is, if it's in there.

Well, I'm off. Time to get to work. Hope you are well!

Sarah

***

Dear Kelly,

Received your card last night. I'm sitting on my floor, trying to keep cool in this humid heat, and listening to a Dave Matthews Band song. "The Space Between". Such a good song. I heard a song on a country station last night---Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews got together and did "I'm Alive" I think it's called. Beautiful. I rarely listen to country music because it makes me sad for my past, including all the relationships I never had.

I liked the NYT article. Who have thought such a job niche existed? Actually, I heard of something similar--the Landmark Seminar Leaders who travel around the world, from city to city, they often have personal assistants who arrange all their accomodations, fix their meals, show them around town, etc. Itmakes sense when you work from 9am to 10pm to have someone around like that. You don't have time to do shit. And I'm sure there are fantastic assistants. Escort service...Funny.

You know, I larned about escort services while out. I understand their legitimate purpose--but I am amazed that such blatent prostitution exists yet they don't legalize it. Why not? Shit. There are some people who are very talented at just that. You make it safe---mandatory condoms and birth control. Regular clinic screens, and tax it like any other business. Freelancers would be required to carry clinic cards and report like a self employed business. Sure, there'd be non-reporters, but it's no different than waitresses or bartenders or strippers. There are plenty of jobs that earn wages never reported. But imagine the influx of tax dollars from legalizing prostitution. And honestly, I wouldn't care if they legalized pot, either. I mean, the Canadians are one of the safest people and they have BC buds all over their country. I would not partake regularly, but may be Americans would relax a little if they did. More tax dollars for education and health care. People dont' hold you at gunpoint to feed a weed habit. And they don't crash cards like alcoholics. It's amazes me that our culture, which glamorizes alcohol, pot, sex, money & violence, has not pushed to legalize this stuff. I really wish none of it was glamorous. It's sad what the media and music and movie industries feed our people A whole lot of nonsense.

Fuck it.

So, you've spent, what/ $20,000 on altering your looks? I don't liek the term "fixing yourself" because there wasn't anything wrong in the first place. I understand the desire to want to be more attractive to the opposite sex or more comfortable in your own skin. Yeah, teeth are a priority. That's the focal point of conversation. But a big snoz? Boobs? And lipo? Kelly, there wasn't anything ugly about those things.

Tell me, has it gotten you laid any more frequently?

I guess, in my opinion, none of that crap matters. I have fucked a tall, thin, gorgeous Italian beauty and a short, fat, pasty white, freckle faced chick with a fade. And all sorts in between. My favorite? Hands down the fat chick. I was turned off when I first met her, then I feel in love with who she was being. She was amazing. Then, she bcamse incredibly physically attractive to me. Irresistible. The hot Italian chick is liekly still shaking her ass for cash. Not what I'd call life-partner material.

Of course, those are two extremes, but my point is that women are amazing just by being women. Your nerdishness was unique to you. So, you have reinvented yourself over the past ten years. How has it changed how you feel about yourself? how you interact with others, and your overall personality?

I know there's a difference. When I am thin (size 10) I feel more relaxed, energetic, able. But even at size 16 I am still feeling sexy, fun, alive and it translates. It's how I carry myself. And I get laid no matter what size I am. Because it's about who you BE. Perhaps altering your looks allowed you to be more yourself.

You certainly have an adventurous spirit and enjoy new things. And a fun sense of humor.

What di dyou enjoy most about your Canadian friend's visit?

I realize I wrote on the wrong side of the paper. Damn.

I howled with laughter when you said you wanted no part of a threesome. "I want my own boyfriend."

So Funny!

Would you be upset if he masturbated in the bathroom to porno magazines under the sink? Technically a 3some is the same. He's getting pleasure from something other than just you. To me, it's not unlike getting a sex toy from the adult shop. The 2d woman is just a toy, a prop, an added enticement. As long as thereis no emotional attachment or further relationship, I don't think it's an issue. But then again, I like women. Say that you had the opportunity to sleep with the hottest guy you've ever laid eyes on. The conditions are that your boyfriend be involved. Would you do it if he agreed? Honestly?

Yes, women hit on me. And sometimes I hit on them. I've had a couple of kickass lovers in prison. It brings up "kinky lesbian prison affair" but it's really like any normal relationship, just with a differnet set of living arrangements and rules of engagement.

I talked to my mom today, and her and my friend are supposed to work on my little webpage tomorrow. I gave her the blog addresses so I can post book excerpts/previews and attach it as a link to the page. They don't know what they are doing, so it's a learning experience for everyone. I wish I had a friend who really could do webpage stuff. Most of my friends have talents lke laundering large amounts of cash, picking locks, passing checks or what not. Not web skills. Anyway, they set it up on My Space if you want to check it out. Leave a note :-)

Well, hope you are well.

Take care.

Sarah