Hi Kelly,
YAY! Great couch! I got your blogs tonight and while it sucks giant donkey dick that you lost our on the Craigslist deal, you now have an almost perfect, super cozy, expensive ass, surrogate date to share your Saturday nights with unitl you find the next object of your affections... And I'm glad you found that couch story onilne. :-)
I was thinking about those perfect pieces of clothing that we find and then wear out and lament over their lost perfection when we are forced to replace them... perhaps like your Flex hoarding, you might consider buying a second favorite coat or pants or perfect little black dress and matching perfect shoes. How can you walk in those things?! I thought about when I get out, I'll do the month-long search for the perfect jeans and buy up 3 or 5 pairs to last me a while. I would even go so far as to buy one a size smaller and one a size larger so I always have them available. I don't wear jeans very often so when I do I'd like them to be just right. I'd spend a lot of time looking for a perfect pinstripe suit and a perfect leather coat.
I see all of your neuroses make NYC perfect for you to live and feel free to be yourself. Being surrounded by peope who are left of center creates an atmosphere of self-expression.
It's been raining all day. This doesn't happen very often. Indiana is famous for its ever-changing weather. Even on rainy days it passes, but not today. It makes me want to be under the covers even more than the usual. I had some energy yesterday, enough to stay a wake and create a drawing for a benefit auction in NYC promoting awareness and raising $ for prison issues, particularly opposing isolation units. I was asked to creat a piece after the curator saw my drawing in a zine I write for--Tenacious. The auction is the first week of Dec. I'm hoping to get a link to an online posting of the event.
Now that we've collected the hands, I have to start working on the exhibit and documentation. After that, I'm considering designing a t-shirt to get a few dozen made to sell online--that idea is still in development.
I have several hands that were sent to me here that I need to send to Mom, and then I"m going to see if she will go buy a new color ink cartridge and a ream of paper and print them all out for me. Then again, maybe it would be cheaper to have Kinkos print them out. We will see. I'm excited. One guy wrote me tonight from Belgium and said that he did a painting and then contacted the prison to see if I would be able to receive it. They said no, so he sent it to the PO box for Mom. I've been proud of her for keeping up with things. She doesn't like technology.
Oh man, check this raunchy shit out: yYou know that the whole premise for me being kept in solitary is that I"m a "threat to the safety and security of the faculty" right? When when I first started asking why I was being help longer than others, it was because I escaped and was an escape risk for their faculty, which was going through changes. THen, as one year metled into almost two years, and all the other escape risks were out and about, their reason for keeping me was because I "manipulated an officer into helping me out" and tha tI was a manipulator and their staff was not ready for me to be released. As if I put a gun to Spliter's head and made him fuck me... Anyway, this faculty has been losing male officers recently---3 officers in the past 3 months have been fired for misconduct with prisoners. The two women that were most recently involved were both getting fucked by the officer, and he was sending one woman money and trafficking pills for the othe rone, yet strangely, they are not being punished and held in the SHU for beinga threat to safety because of their "manipulation" of officers. In fact, none of the women involved were labelled threats, whiel I agree that they shouldn't be, beacue there's such a huge imbalance of power between an offers and prisoner that sex is almost always an exploitation of that power. The whole point is that these four/ five women are treated as victims and I'm treated as a threat. They chose food, money and pills... I chose a ride out the back door. The actionms are all the same. So now, there is absolutely no valid excuse for them to keep me in SHU. They are unfuckingbelievable.
And you think the Universe hates you.
I have become semi-addicted to butterscotch candy. It must be the season. It's rich flavor reminds me of Thanksgiving. Toffee is my favorite flavor for morning coffee in the fall. And pumpkin spice. YUM. I think it woudl be fun to spend the weekend making holiday candy with friends. Peanut brittle, toffee, turtles, cinnamon discs, chocolate covered pretzels, yogurt raisins... and then make little gift boxes to give out to neighbors, friends, co-workers, homeless people. Take some to a food pantry. Brighten people's day a bit. Have you don't any of those cooking classes lately?
Why do women outnumber men so drastically in NYC?
Oh, and I was thinking about Amir's problem with monogamy. In Islamic countries where Sharia law is used as a foundation for its public laws, polygamy is legal. So it is literally in his blood to be a polygamist and collect women. You're fighting thousands of years of genetic programming to spread his seed around and thousands of years of social programming to treat women as commodities.
Ok, I'm pooped.
It's still raining.
Guess it doesn't matter since I can't go outside anyway.
Day 1048 in SHU sucks.
Take care, Sarah
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #76
Kelly,
I think the search for the perfect couch was on This American Life. I bet you could go to their website and keyword search for the episode and its follow-up. The show is produced by WBEZ in Chicago with Ira Glass as its host.
Amir just wants to be loved. He needs a whole lot of love and by having multiple partners, he hedges his bets so he'll never be alone. It's in his Persian blood---generations of men with five wives. If he moved to Utah and became a polygamist Mormon, he could have 20 or 30 wives openly.
I'm not sure why the commissioner got fired, but I think it had to do with how he handled several riots/violent incidents in that state system. I finally got the first set of questions answered (25 pages of answers) and 175 pages of supporting documents sent out. I doubt that it will go to trial. The evidence is pretty clear that they are violating my rights and making me mentally ill. I have been struggling with another bout of depression this past 6 weeks, and it only gets worse. I lay in bed for hours, sometimes 14-16 hours a day and can't get out. When I do, I easily tire and get right back in. I have no motivation to do the things that I want or need to do. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a bum. I've only been up for three hours and I'm nearly propping open my eyelids with toothpicks just to write this. I crawled into bed yesterday at 4:30 and didn't get up until 10:30 am today. What's worse is that I only sleep 1/2 the time. The rest I spend daydreaming about my future free life. The sad part is that I have to get out of bed to get things done in order to go home, yet I'm glued to the bed dreaming of home.
Are all of your clothes black, white and red? What if you change your last name so when people Google you that old stuff wouldn't show up? Your employer would know, but wouldn't have to divulge it to customers. Or are you so well known that it would be useless to change your name.
Maybe you should move to Los Angeles.
The UN Reporto n Torture and Abuse said that all members of the UN should stop the use of solitary confinement or at least severely limit its use to 15 days or less because of the long-lasting mental effects. Great! i'll be in therapy until I'm 50. These people are clueless about what it is like to be locked in a room for months without end. They must be. How can you do this to another human being?
I vote you sell the video to TruTV. People should be responsible for their actions in public. She has the right to feel and think whatever she wants about other people, but by openly saying these racist comments to someone on a bus and treating her tenants badly because of their color, she only gets away with it because she has no consequences. If she loses her job and is humiliated, she did it to herself. You aren't doctoring her words or reporting them out of context. she needs to be responsible for being hateful. Selling it to TruTV is doing the world a favor. Racism persists when we cover it up and let it keep happening.
I like reading your blogs.
My flower story is too long to rewrite by hand, but if it wins and gets published, I'll get an extra copy to you. I'm tired. Back under the covers I go...
Sarah
I think the search for the perfect couch was on This American Life. I bet you could go to their website and keyword search for the episode and its follow-up. The show is produced by WBEZ in Chicago with Ira Glass as its host.
Amir just wants to be loved. He needs a whole lot of love and by having multiple partners, he hedges his bets so he'll never be alone. It's in his Persian blood---generations of men with five wives. If he moved to Utah and became a polygamist Mormon, he could have 20 or 30 wives openly.
I'm not sure why the commissioner got fired, but I think it had to do with how he handled several riots/violent incidents in that state system. I finally got the first set of questions answered (25 pages of answers) and 175 pages of supporting documents sent out. I doubt that it will go to trial. The evidence is pretty clear that they are violating my rights and making me mentally ill. I have been struggling with another bout of depression this past 6 weeks, and it only gets worse. I lay in bed for hours, sometimes 14-16 hours a day and can't get out. When I do, I easily tire and get right back in. I have no motivation to do the things that I want or need to do. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a bum. I've only been up for three hours and I'm nearly propping open my eyelids with toothpicks just to write this. I crawled into bed yesterday at 4:30 and didn't get up until 10:30 am today. What's worse is that I only sleep 1/2 the time. The rest I spend daydreaming about my future free life. The sad part is that I have to get out of bed to get things done in order to go home, yet I'm glued to the bed dreaming of home.
Are all of your clothes black, white and red? What if you change your last name so when people Google you that old stuff wouldn't show up? Your employer would know, but wouldn't have to divulge it to customers. Or are you so well known that it would be useless to change your name.
Maybe you should move to Los Angeles.
The UN Reporto n Torture and Abuse said that all members of the UN should stop the use of solitary confinement or at least severely limit its use to 15 days or less because of the long-lasting mental effects. Great! i'll be in therapy until I'm 50. These people are clueless about what it is like to be locked in a room for months without end. They must be. How can you do this to another human being?
I vote you sell the video to TruTV. People should be responsible for their actions in public. She has the right to feel and think whatever she wants about other people, but by openly saying these racist comments to someone on a bus and treating her tenants badly because of their color, she only gets away with it because she has no consequences. If she loses her job and is humiliated, she did it to herself. You aren't doctoring her words or reporting them out of context. she needs to be responsible for being hateful. Selling it to TruTV is doing the world a favor. Racism persists when we cover it up and let it keep happening.
I like reading your blogs.
My flower story is too long to rewrite by hand, but if it wins and gets published, I'll get an extra copy to you. I'm tired. Back under the covers I go...
Sarah
Friday, October 21, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #75
Kelly,
Your letter cheered me. The flashy paper...(holographic?) is colorful and pretty, like megaglitter, and makes me happy. I want to recycle it into something cool. Maybe I will crease and fold it into a a cube and use salvaged tape to close it around a bunch of elbow macaroni and it can be a paperweight!
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yay! Amanda Knox was fired! I'm next!
I always enjoy You Might As Well... and today, I have a LIVE!
The day I escaped happened to be the first day our new Commissioner took office. Following the media circus and official misconduct/sex scandal, the national women hunt, etc. - they found me working an office job in a wealthy Jewish community, living in a quiet neighborhood with my pet fish, sober and crime-free. Instead of in a court of law, he got his revenge by locking me in solitary confinement and causing me to have a psychotic break.
Over 1000 days later, I am still in solitary, which suckis, but the Universe has a great sense of humor. Nine months ago, the Commissioner left Indiana to work for Florida DOC. Six months ago, I filed a civil lawsuit naming him as one of the defendants. And now, guess who just found himself involuntarily unemployed? Karma, ladies and gents. Karma.
I want to get dressed u and be escorted somewhere wonderful by a woman or man in a tuxedo. How fun and romantic! Have you ever thought that being smart and pretty makes it harder to meet men because they are intimidated by you? or if it's just NYC, have you thought of traveling to Maine to get a date? Or NJ? Fly out here to the Midwest and within a week, you'd have a half-dozen marriage proposals. have you and your new friend considered joining a sports club? or taking a co-ed class? Or going to Wall St? Have you been down there to see the Occupy movement? You could make a picket sign protesting the unfair advantage men have in the NYC dating scene. Maybe you could start an affirmative action program.
I don't understand why you can't get a real full-time job just because you were fired six years ago. I mean, you got fired for blogging, right? It's not like you smuggled a hundred kilos of coke across the border or maimed a 92 yr. old man for $6. I have a friend who was in prison for five years for presciption pills and is now an RN and head of a hospice unit in a nursing home. Have you ever considered ghost writing? Or doing PR for art galleries? Or doing a restaurant review blog? With your wit and writing style, you could do something unique. Instead of snooty food reviewers, you have a middle class palate and review everything from hotel lounge bars to KFC to hose places you go to try and meet people to foo foo spots. You could do party reviews. Review those posh events you go to. People would invite you to get a review. You'd become a NYC socialite.
Why can't you cancel your $3K couch and order from IKEA dammit? I heard a story on This American LIfe with Ira Glass on NPR out of Chicago, about a guy who was OBSESSED with finding the perfect couch for years. I think he strained a few relationships because of it. Ater the story aired, he found one and committed to it--he said that is was not the perfect couch. The euphoria was all in the chase. You can listen HERE.
I never tlaked seriously to I Almost Got Away With It. Just doesn't feel right at the moment in my life. It also feels like since it doesn't benefit me or my family, I'd be getting exploited. And since I don't care about fame or negative attn. it's one opportunity that doesn't feel worth it.
When I am released from prison I will likely stay here in Indiana for a while to finish any parole or to help my mom out. She moved here to support me, so I want to return the love. I don't think that I will have a hard time finding work. I've always been lucky and I know people who would hire me for office work, accounting, drafting, or who knows? I want to help her pay off her place early so she'll hae that extra money when I leave. I want to help do some light remodeling like cabinets, better insulation, green technology, and plant her a small garden in a rasied bed so she doesn't have to bend over. (She has a messed up spine.) While I do these things, I'll work on establishing some credit. After 11 years in prison, my history is blank. No good. No bad. I'll also be buying a new life's worth of stuff. I'll explore what activist opportunities are locally available, start attending political functions. See what hte Universe opens up for me.
I'll probably spend solme time inh Washington with my father, visit a few friends in California, and see my sister in FL. I have two friends in NYC I'd go see and would love to challenge you to a game of Scrabble after dinner and booze. My wife, ex-g/f and best friend are all here in Indiana so unless a specific opportunity opens up abroad, I'll probably stay put here for a few years. I also have close friends in Missouri and Tennesee that I'd visit for at least a long weekend. I sure wouldn't mind buying some land in the TN mts and working virtually for a company part time and doing some eco-farming or running a bed and breakfast/commune/co-op somewhere. I dont' know. Whatever opens up for me, really. I'm up for an adventure. If I don't like it I can try something else.
I might get my Master's and get overpaid to work for some local business or get a paralegal degree and work for a law firm. Anything is possible.
After all of the crazy shit you and Amir have been through you are just now getting around to officially breaking up? I mean, I thought you already told him to go to hell months ago.
Your last name should be removed by now from the site. I was on the phone with mom and she looked up where it was when we talked. I think there are over 200 hands and we have two weeks left. I hope for at least 220 hands--twice my sentence. Plus, that will make a nice exhibit.
I entered a local (Indiana) annual writing contest this week. It was for poetry, short story (fiction) or essay. I submitted a short story about a daisy named Luben and his growing pains. His best and only friend is a caterpillar named Wooly. The other characters are a lilac bush, a tulip, Mina and Peony in the garden of the Thompsons. Oh and Larry the plastic lawn frog.
I think that i'm going to order some graham crackers and marshmallows and Hershey's to make cold Smores next week. I suppose I could put them in a baggie and stuff them in my bra until the chocolate melts...
Be well!
--Sarah
Your letter cheered me. The flashy paper...(holographic?) is colorful and pretty, like megaglitter, and makes me happy. I want to recycle it into something cool. Maybe I will crease and fold it into a a cube and use salvaged tape to close it around a bunch of elbow macaroni and it can be a paperweight!
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yay! Amanda Knox was fired! I'm next!
I always enjoy You Might As Well... and today, I have a LIVE!
The day I escaped happened to be the first day our new Commissioner took office. Following the media circus and official misconduct/sex scandal, the national women hunt, etc. - they found me working an office job in a wealthy Jewish community, living in a quiet neighborhood with my pet fish, sober and crime-free. Instead of in a court of law, he got his revenge by locking me in solitary confinement and causing me to have a psychotic break.
Over 1000 days later, I am still in solitary, which suckis, but the Universe has a great sense of humor. Nine months ago, the Commissioner left Indiana to work for Florida DOC. Six months ago, I filed a civil lawsuit naming him as one of the defendants. And now, guess who just found himself involuntarily unemployed? Karma, ladies and gents. Karma.
I want to get dressed u and be escorted somewhere wonderful by a woman or man in a tuxedo. How fun and romantic! Have you ever thought that being smart and pretty makes it harder to meet men because they are intimidated by you? or if it's just NYC, have you thought of traveling to Maine to get a date? Or NJ? Fly out here to the Midwest and within a week, you'd have a half-dozen marriage proposals. have you and your new friend considered joining a sports club? or taking a co-ed class? Or going to Wall St? Have you been down there to see the Occupy movement? You could make a picket sign protesting the unfair advantage men have in the NYC dating scene. Maybe you could start an affirmative action program.
I don't understand why you can't get a real full-time job just because you were fired six years ago. I mean, you got fired for blogging, right? It's not like you smuggled a hundred kilos of coke across the border or maimed a 92 yr. old man for $6. I have a friend who was in prison for five years for presciption pills and is now an RN and head of a hospice unit in a nursing home. Have you ever considered ghost writing? Or doing PR for art galleries? Or doing a restaurant review blog? With your wit and writing style, you could do something unique. Instead of snooty food reviewers, you have a middle class palate and review everything from hotel lounge bars to KFC to hose places you go to try and meet people to foo foo spots. You could do party reviews. Review those posh events you go to. People would invite you to get a review. You'd become a NYC socialite.
Why can't you cancel your $3K couch and order from IKEA dammit? I heard a story on This American LIfe with Ira Glass on NPR out of Chicago, about a guy who was OBSESSED with finding the perfect couch for years. I think he strained a few relationships because of it. Ater the story aired, he found one and committed to it--he said that is was not the perfect couch. The euphoria was all in the chase. You can listen HERE.
I never tlaked seriously to I Almost Got Away With It. Just doesn't feel right at the moment in my life. It also feels like since it doesn't benefit me or my family, I'd be getting exploited. And since I don't care about fame or negative attn. it's one opportunity that doesn't feel worth it.
When I am released from prison I will likely stay here in Indiana for a while to finish any parole or to help my mom out. She moved here to support me, so I want to return the love. I don't think that I will have a hard time finding work. I've always been lucky and I know people who would hire me for office work, accounting, drafting, or who knows? I want to help her pay off her place early so she'll hae that extra money when I leave. I want to help do some light remodeling like cabinets, better insulation, green technology, and plant her a small garden in a rasied bed so she doesn't have to bend over. (She has a messed up spine.) While I do these things, I'll work on establishing some credit. After 11 years in prison, my history is blank. No good. No bad. I'll also be buying a new life's worth of stuff. I'll explore what activist opportunities are locally available, start attending political functions. See what hte Universe opens up for me.
I'll probably spend solme time inh Washington with my father, visit a few friends in California, and see my sister in FL. I have two friends in NYC I'd go see and would love to challenge you to a game of Scrabble after dinner and booze. My wife, ex-g/f and best friend are all here in Indiana so unless a specific opportunity opens up abroad, I'll probably stay put here for a few years. I also have close friends in Missouri and Tennesee that I'd visit for at least a long weekend. I sure wouldn't mind buying some land in the TN mts and working virtually for a company part time and doing some eco-farming or running a bed and breakfast/commune/co-op somewhere. I dont' know. Whatever opens up for me, really. I'm up for an adventure. If I don't like it I can try something else.
I might get my Master's and get overpaid to work for some local business or get a paralegal degree and work for a law firm. Anything is possible.
After all of the crazy shit you and Amir have been through you are just now getting around to officially breaking up? I mean, I thought you already told him to go to hell months ago.
Your last name should be removed by now from the site. I was on the phone with mom and she looked up where it was when we talked. I think there are over 200 hands and we have two weeks left. I hope for at least 220 hands--twice my sentence. Plus, that will make a nice exhibit.
I entered a local (Indiana) annual writing contest this week. It was for poetry, short story (fiction) or essay. I submitted a short story about a daisy named Luben and his growing pains. His best and only friend is a caterpillar named Wooly. The other characters are a lilac bush, a tulip, Mina and Peony in the garden of the Thompsons. Oh and Larry the plastic lawn frog.
I think that i'm going to order some graham crackers and marshmallows and Hershey's to make cold Smores next week. I suppose I could put them in a baggie and stuff them in my bra until the chocolate melts...
Be well!
--Sarah
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #74
Kelly Belly,
If I were free I would do two things for you send you a little box of Jelly Bellies and volunteer myself and a semi-attractive Italian man to haul your new couch up so you could have whatever couch you wanted, delivery option or not.
I think the ones with spindly legs would work better in your apt. aesthetically, but seems like a lot of hassle when the big black bulky one meets off of your needs. Have you thought about saving yourself the hassle and just getting new cushions for the one you already have?
I don't even have words for the Amir story. It's just WOW! Remember when you asked about what people would suggest you do to "burn the fucking house down" in order to get rid of Amir? I think you figured it out. Not that you intended her to extort him, but you get your intended painful infliction of woes unto him and it does seem to have kept you from poisoning yourself further with Amirion. I'm sure the withdrawal sucks and you, like so many of us, want a hand to hold and cute emails in your box, but at least you have swank parties and art museums. I'm lonely, live in a bathroom, and am collecting cobwebs.
Great party photos, by the way.
Yay! For the tree that survived 911! We love trees. The waterfall memorial is pretty. Water is life. We don't value either one enough.
Sometimes I am able to catch cooking shows on the public TV channel and there's one called America's Test Kitchen where they make wonderful stuff and explain why each thing works the way it does (food gastronomy or whatever) and they made a souffle that looked fabulous. I am hungry.
NO STABBING THE SOUFFLE!!
You will miss Reidtard when he's gone. Admit it. Just a little You need a Scrabble partner who doesn't cheat and a boyfriend who doesn't cheat and a girl fried who isn't a cunt. Maybe that's the next Big Three.
I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES! I also want to perfect a peanut butter pie recipe for my friend so when he opens his restaurant, he will sell Pender's Peanut Butter Pie. Not PB Cream Pie. That's lighter. This is so rich and heavy, it's like eating a slice of Newt Gringrich. Only without the bad aftertaste.
Just exactly what kind of fun do you have at a creepy party with drunk douchebags? Rent a Netflix, make some yummy Amaretto/chocolate/PB ice cream drink, and curl up on your new couch with MINI. Maybe you should take a vacation to Maine. Don't they have nice men in Maine? Or there's lots of good ol' monogamous country boys lost out here in the cornfield of the Midwest. I'm just saying.
All of the interviews for Snapped went really well. We talked a lot about the events that lead up to the crimes, which included a lot about my relationship to men in my life. I went into the ordeal just wanting to be transparent, so I answered openly and honestly. It was freeing because I recalled how I felt about Rick without feeling like I had to villify him because of what he later did. To them and to me. At the time, I was face-busted fallen in love, but I realize that I, like many women, fell in love with an image of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be.
He had been captain of the football team in high school and had a scholarship to play at NY Syracuse. He'd been a wrestling champion and had aspirations of going professional. He had great manners with my parents, could be sensitive and sweet, put the toilet seat down, and allowed himself to cry in front of me twice. He laughed a lot of was good to his mom and sister. I already had us in a 2 bedroom ranch home in the suburbs with a fenced yard and dog and cookouts with neighbors and family over at holidays.
In my mind if I just loved him enough nagged him a little a gave him all he wanted, he'd want those things too. And it was working, I thought.
Hey! George Wright escaped from prison 40 years ago after a murder conviction and was found in Algeria this week. Just heard it NPR.
Anyway, so being able to speak openly made it issues to talk about why I made the choices I did around his crimes. The sound man later told my mother that I was one of the most personable, straightforward, and believable people he's ever seen interviewed. And for the first time, he believes someone was wrongfully convicted. It also helps that when they interviewed my co-defendant, the producer told me that he openly admitted that he was the person who shot the victims, that I had nothing to do with it, that I never once manipulated him in our relationship and the only things I asked for him to do was to stop selling drugs, get a real job and settle down with me.
My mom, sister Jeni, Jamie her husband, Larry, Kim, Pam and Bridgette all interviewed on my behalf and everyone said it went very well. The producer and crew were impressed with how much they loved and supported me. After all of the interviews, I was last. The producer said she left the prison and immediately called her editor and said, "I've got the story of your dreams."
It's supposed to air in January.
I got your letter late---there are no Kelly shout-outs. Maybe next interview. You are so funny.
I need to lose some weight so I am thinking about getting dehydrated vegetables for snacks. They sell the kind you boil to put in soups or whatever, but I like to eat them one by one with my front teeth. I used to use sunflower kernals but at 500 calories a bag, it sucked. I am over this anxiety that makes me want to chew. I gnaw my lip and my cuticles. It's ridiculous. It's this ROOM.
But I am not even whining. I just am happy that we are getting more awareness out there about my case. Once I find a lab that runs this software and can prove that I was convicted on false evidence, I'll get my convictions overturned and no jury would convict me on the real evidence. I'll finally get what I deserve and go home. Remember the anagram? PARDONS HER. That's right. The judge will do what amounts to a pardon. December 2013. The Universe told me so.
That's a reason to LIVE for sure!
Love songs make me thing of the days of my youth. What I wouldn't give to be 20 again, waking up to David gently humping my thigh at 2am. Or even 18 again in the all-girl dormitory at Purdue. I'd sure like ti all back to do over. I picture myself working a mile underground in a big particle accelerator, not writing hundreds of letters each year, stuck in a bathroom, eating bad food, plagued by mental illness, and under a sentence for crimes I didn't commit. WTF? This better do some real, serious good in the world to be worth all this bullshit. I want to make a positive difference to rival NLK Jr or something. I want a large cheese and pineapple pizza, too. And garlic butter for the pizza bones. I want a deep tub full of hot,milky water. I want a pet fish. A whole tank of them. And a job I love. And an MP3 player full of music I like. Iw ant to walk barefoot in the grass and feed the ducks. I want to smell apple wood burn in the fireplace. I want to plant mums by the front porch and make a wreath for the door. I want to eat fried biscuits and apple butter. I want someone I love to fix me biscuits and gravy Saturday morning and rub my feet. I want to experience the Third Entity again.
Take care,
Sarah
If I were free I would do two things for you send you a little box of Jelly Bellies and volunteer myself and a semi-attractive Italian man to haul your new couch up so you could have whatever couch you wanted, delivery option or not.
I think the ones with spindly legs would work better in your apt. aesthetically, but seems like a lot of hassle when the big black bulky one meets off of your needs. Have you thought about saving yourself the hassle and just getting new cushions for the one you already have?
I don't even have words for the Amir story. It's just WOW! Remember when you asked about what people would suggest you do to "burn the fucking house down" in order to get rid of Amir? I think you figured it out. Not that you intended her to extort him, but you get your intended painful infliction of woes unto him and it does seem to have kept you from poisoning yourself further with Amirion. I'm sure the withdrawal sucks and you, like so many of us, want a hand to hold and cute emails in your box, but at least you have swank parties and art museums. I'm lonely, live in a bathroom, and am collecting cobwebs.
Great party photos, by the way.
Yay! For the tree that survived 911! We love trees. The waterfall memorial is pretty. Water is life. We don't value either one enough.
Sometimes I am able to catch cooking shows on the public TV channel and there's one called America's Test Kitchen where they make wonderful stuff and explain why each thing works the way it does (food gastronomy or whatever) and they made a souffle that looked fabulous. I am hungry.
NO STABBING THE SOUFFLE!!
You will miss Reidtard when he's gone. Admit it. Just a little You need a Scrabble partner who doesn't cheat and a boyfriend who doesn't cheat and a girl fried who isn't a cunt. Maybe that's the next Big Three.
I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES! I also want to perfect a peanut butter pie recipe for my friend so when he opens his restaurant, he will sell Pender's Peanut Butter Pie. Not PB Cream Pie. That's lighter. This is so rich and heavy, it's like eating a slice of Newt Gringrich. Only without the bad aftertaste.
Just exactly what kind of fun do you have at a creepy party with drunk douchebags? Rent a Netflix, make some yummy Amaretto/chocolate/PB ice cream drink, and curl up on your new couch with MINI. Maybe you should take a vacation to Maine. Don't they have nice men in Maine? Or there's lots of good ol' monogamous country boys lost out here in the cornfield of the Midwest. I'm just saying.
All of the interviews for Snapped went really well. We talked a lot about the events that lead up to the crimes, which included a lot about my relationship to men in my life. I went into the ordeal just wanting to be transparent, so I answered openly and honestly. It was freeing because I recalled how I felt about Rick without feeling like I had to villify him because of what he later did. To them and to me. At the time, I was face-busted fallen in love, but I realize that I, like many women, fell in love with an image of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be.
He had been captain of the football team in high school and had a scholarship to play at NY Syracuse. He'd been a wrestling champion and had aspirations of going professional. He had great manners with my parents, could be sensitive and sweet, put the toilet seat down, and allowed himself to cry in front of me twice. He laughed a lot of was good to his mom and sister. I already had us in a 2 bedroom ranch home in the suburbs with a fenced yard and dog and cookouts with neighbors and family over at holidays.
In my mind if I just loved him enough nagged him a little a gave him all he wanted, he'd want those things too. And it was working, I thought.
Hey! George Wright escaped from prison 40 years ago after a murder conviction and was found in Algeria this week. Just heard it NPR.
Anyway, so being able to speak openly made it issues to talk about why I made the choices I did around his crimes. The sound man later told my mother that I was one of the most personable, straightforward, and believable people he's ever seen interviewed. And for the first time, he believes someone was wrongfully convicted. It also helps that when they interviewed my co-defendant, the producer told me that he openly admitted that he was the person who shot the victims, that I had nothing to do with it, that I never once manipulated him in our relationship and the only things I asked for him to do was to stop selling drugs, get a real job and settle down with me.
My mom, sister Jeni, Jamie her husband, Larry, Kim, Pam and Bridgette all interviewed on my behalf and everyone said it went very well. The producer and crew were impressed with how much they loved and supported me. After all of the interviews, I was last. The producer said she left the prison and immediately called her editor and said, "I've got the story of your dreams."
It's supposed to air in January.
I got your letter late---there are no Kelly shout-outs. Maybe next interview. You are so funny.
I need to lose some weight so I am thinking about getting dehydrated vegetables for snacks. They sell the kind you boil to put in soups or whatever, but I like to eat them one by one with my front teeth. I used to use sunflower kernals but at 500 calories a bag, it sucked. I am over this anxiety that makes me want to chew. I gnaw my lip and my cuticles. It's ridiculous. It's this ROOM.
But I am not even whining. I just am happy that we are getting more awareness out there about my case. Once I find a lab that runs this software and can prove that I was convicted on false evidence, I'll get my convictions overturned and no jury would convict me on the real evidence. I'll finally get what I deserve and go home. Remember the anagram? PARDONS HER. That's right. The judge will do what amounts to a pardon. December 2013. The Universe told me so.
That's a reason to LIVE for sure!
Love songs make me thing of the days of my youth. What I wouldn't give to be 20 again, waking up to David gently humping my thigh at 2am. Or even 18 again in the all-girl dormitory at Purdue. I'd sure like ti all back to do over. I picture myself working a mile underground in a big particle accelerator, not writing hundreds of letters each year, stuck in a bathroom, eating bad food, plagued by mental illness, and under a sentence for crimes I didn't commit. WTF? This better do some real, serious good in the world to be worth all this bullshit. I want to make a positive difference to rival NLK Jr or something. I want a large cheese and pineapple pizza, too. And garlic butter for the pizza bones. I want a deep tub full of hot,milky water. I want a pet fish. A whole tank of them. And a job I love. And an MP3 player full of music I like. Iw ant to walk barefoot in the grass and feed the ducks. I want to smell apple wood burn in the fireplace. I want to plant mums by the front porch and make a wreath for the door. I want to eat fried biscuits and apple butter. I want someone I love to fix me biscuits and gravy Saturday morning and rub my feet. I want to experience the Third Entity again.
Take care,
Sarah
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #73
Dear Kel,
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #70-72
Kelly,
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Monday, August 8, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #69
Kelly,
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
