Dear Kelly,
What a great Christmas card! I laughed heartily at it and nearly everytime I see it, I giggle. Good humor for hard times. Thank you.
Speaking of hard times, I can't believe Amir offered to move you in with his MOTHER. To him, that is a huge step a big show of how close he will let you get to him. To you it is not enough. To a third party, that could be a huge step to get in good with the family,. Still it's weird--in DC. I commend you for holding out and not attending his Thanksgiving.
I don't agree that he lacks empathy and has no conscience. You two just don't value the same things. He believes in polygamy and you want monogamy. And both of you are standing your grounds. He won't give in to your demands and you won't give into his. Just as much as he is trying to break your resolve by begging you to come see him, you are trying to break his by denying his pleas. to him, you have no empathy for his need for freedom of restraint. His liberty. He is a little nuts but you're a little fruity yourself. Perfect. Fruit and nuts. However, I do have to side with you in that the sending of "as long as I'm alive you will never have to worry abotu food, shelter and cable tv" will it's almost condescending. What if he offered to subsidize your rent? Would you accept?
I have not heard any news about the alien bacteria and that's exactly what that arsenic-based on is. It could take over the earth if we blew ourselves up. And Martian-life bacteria. Cool. So cool.
Thanks for thinking of me for the folder of handouts and book proposal info. Actually, you can put the whole folder in a big manilla envelope and send it as is. I look forward to it. Once I get this legal stuff out of the way. I'm going to focus back on my memoir writing. Slow and steady.
[insert doodle of a roller skate]
How did the roller disco party go? PLEASE tell me you took photos. Dear God that had to be an interesting night. I think Disco was invented so white poeple could dance. I think I am reincarnated from a mid-30s aged man who died in 1979. That would have made him a flower child growing up in the 60s and 70s. --which explains my peace, love, and happiness spirit, love of folk music, and previous preference for pot. Then the fantastic rock of the 70s and a love for disco--- I'm a disco queen, naturally and swoon over Led Zeppelin, and him being a man explains my love for women and my tendency to do dumb shit.
Please send me a photo of your tree! And any of the other yummy meals you cook/eat. I must live vicariously.
What a great puzzle art project. I vote you do the blackboard with a tiny eraser and chalk. First of all, that is unique and secondly, it speaks of the ephemeral state of life and the possibilities of the future as endless---we can create ANYTHING!
However, with your romantic history, perhaps LOVE IS PUZZLING, surrounded by photos of your exes wearing painted-on horns, moustaches or targets might be a thought---
Hey! I just your LOVE IS PUZZLING picture in the mail tonight. and I had no idea how large the puzzle pieces were!! 24X24 is a lot of room to work with . What a great idea to work with only stuff you already had in your apartment! that way you have a unique medium---who would have thought of stick tile and nail polish.? You did a great job Kelly. Andn ow you'll be part of a project thousands of people see next year. I'm not sure how they will show the piece---if each piece is 2' tall, overlap by 6"--then 10 of them would stand 15 ft trall, which of course I know gallery ceilings are tall, some of those gran rooms have 25ft tall ceilings, maybe 30ft? So 15 pieces tall? That's 333 pieces wide--that's like 500 ft wide one hell of an exhibit. When its shown in NY, can you photograph your place in it?
Isn't it neat to contribute to an art exhibit? I do that through the mail--called Mail Art. Some are individuals, but several museums advertise for submissions for mailart exhibits all around the world. I've put in pieces to Indonesia, France, Canada, Venezuela and Holland. Feels good to be in part of other people's moments in their lives.
CanI just say you shoudl call up the project artist and share wiht him your experience of the project and strike up another conversation maybe find out what artsy thing he'll be at and see if he is your ticket to being Kelly Kelly. I know that tidbit did not escape you.
I enjoyed painting a few black, white and red envelopes for you, as I know how serious you are about it. I noticed that the cool red Christmas envelope was adorned with a black and white silver screen actress. Cleaver. I noticed we have a black and red broom to clean with and I thought, "Oh -- Kelly would love this." Apparently the BWR combo is popular in kitchens? I wonder if there's anyone (or how many?) who has their entire home BWR like you? If Mini had been brown or tan, would you have still taken him home?
The lawyer John retained is probably a friend or a friend of a friend who doesn't know what a douchebag he is and was probably fed some sob story about how you are discriminating against him--or that he told you beforehand, the relationship didn't work out, and scorned you made up the story using his "condition" against him and it is you that is unethical. The attorney things she's fighting against discrimination, while she's ignoring that you could have been fighting for your life, slowing leeching from you.
FUCK THIS DOUCHEBAG, VIRUS-INFECTED ASS. I HOPE HE GOES IMPOTENT.
Thanks for the info on a subscription to Creative Non-Fiction.
You asked about my suicide ordeals. At 16, I swallowed like 90 antidepressants with day-old, hot, flat 7-Up. LIke an hour later, I wobbled into a park, crawled under a tree, smoked some pot, and then puked up huge glop into raw dust/dirt. I was desperate to die, so I picked up the dirty puke and ate it--I guess all the pills broke open together and the powder sort of congealed? I got spooked by all the barking dogs, thinking the cops were after me, and went back to the car, drove two blocks and passed out. Woke up, puked. Pass out. Woke up the next morning cold and pissed off that I was not dead. However, I was kind of euphoric---apparently while it will NOT kill you, 90 Prozac will flood your brain with happy feeilngs. I was 16. I didn't know what I now know---that you need a tricyclic anti-depressant to kill yourself---about 1500 mg of amytriptaline will do it, though I would recommend washing it down with some booze.
I was going to put this in the previous letter but I hesitated because I know your history and tendency to go DOWN THERE. But since you asked, and I firmly believe in the righ to die, and I think if people choose to die, whether at 75 with Alzheimers or 35 with cancer or whatevger, it should be as painless and as least traumatizing as possible.
The top 3 least painful ways to die by your own hand----1) a gunshot to the head Very effective, quick, and painless. Unless you fuck it up. Don't try using a long-ass rifle and pulling the trigger with your toes. I actually know a lady who did that. She was a nurse hooked on pain pills, terribly depressed, shot herself and not only did her kids find her, but it blew out her breast implant, deflated the other one and one lung, part of her intestines and some other stuff. I think she was aiming for her heart, slipped and used a buckshot or whatever, and all the little pieces ravaged her insides. She now has no boob on one side, half a boob on the other, lives on laxatives and anti-depressants, an ddo you know the police actually charged her with attempted suicide? What a fucking joke. It's the only crive you don't get charged with if you succeed, or pay for if you don't. How stupid.
Second, as noted vodka with a side of amytryptaline.
Third is a variation of the old head-in-the-oven and hose from car tailpipe to driver's side window in the privacy of your own garage. Well, neither of these work these days, at leaswt, not like they used to. I can't remember what differences were in the gases between then and now, but I remember ruling hte oven out,. It may have been a technical problem, like the open area of the kitchen. Not sure. But the idea you are working with is a gas replacement in your lungs/blood stream/brain to rob it of oxygen.
Now, you can achieve this through asphixiation by simply cutting off oxygen intake, but what happens is that you get a build up of CO2 --and your lungs cannot process back in carbon dioxide, so you go through a lot of chest pain so you suffocate, even if this is not done manually, say, by strangulation, but rather by trash bag over the head, duct taped at the neck. Very traumatic for about 2 minutes until you pass out, then another 2 minutes while you go kapoot. Not pleasant.
What you do to avoid feeling the depletion of your oxygen is to maintain that exchange in living tissue. CO Carbon Monoxide would work, but if you try sucking on a tailpipe now, it's the same suffocation feuling as you get from the aforementioned methods. This, you can thank the inventors of the catalytic converter. What used to come out of your tailpipe was the result of incompletely combusted petroleum, carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons. The catalytic converter re-oxidizes the air so now it becomes carbon dioxide and water.
The alternative is to use [Ed.: Can't read next word] gas to complete the lung exchange at the membrane. Here's the process: You set up a relatively well-sealed tent, preferably large enough to be comfortable laying prone or sitting Indian style. Take a book or some soothing music on your iPod. Now there may be some seizing going on after you pass out. Don't worry, if it does happen you won't feel it, but you need to make sure your tent is durable. You dont' want to rrip it open and get flooded with oxygen after you're severely brain damaged, but not quite dead. I dont' know if there's a per-ade air-tight tent out there, but I'd planned on making my own. You can use a puptent or one of those nylon crawl tubes.
Things to remember--the larger your tent, the more oxygen will be in there to begin with and you'll have to breath in and process this, which drags out the time, and requires a greater volume of inert gas, which will be in a big metal tank/canister, taking up space, money, and will be a bitch hauling up three flights of stairs.
So, if you aren't claustrophobic, get a nylon crawl tube. I don't know the technical name for them. We used to teach the dogs to go through them, but the kids played in them too. They have plastic/wire rings covered in nylon mesh that expands with open ends. 10 ft long will do to make room for you to lay down with a tank at the end. If you want more comfort, get a one-or-two person tent. You'll also need either thick 55 gallon trash bags, or plastic sheeting like 3 mil or 5mil from Lowes or Home Depot. I think the Jello type name for it is Visqueen or Viscune--the name comes from what its made from---viscose--used in the manufacturing of cellophane--of of those commercial kitchen rolls should do. Grab a roll of duct tape, too. Wrap up your tend all around, leaving your little opening to get in. You'll duct tape yourself in. Now the tank you can put in with you or leave outside and connect a hose duct-taped through your entry hold once you've turned it on. You'll probably want to poke a hole in the cellophane next to it for excess gas to escape, otherwise the pressure buildup might pop a seam and let in oxygen. If the hole is small then you'll only have negative air flow, which is good for balance while you are in the in-between state of unconsciousness.
As far as gases go, your choices are: Radon, Xenon, Krypton, Argon--recognize these yet? Neon and Helium. Radon comes from the radioactive decay of radium, which I think si pretty rare so I don't know why we used to have to get the house checked for radon when we were kids. I guess because it will kill you. Duh. Xenon is used in strobe lights. Krypton is used in flourescent lights, as is argon and neon. Argon can be bought at a welding gas supply company., because it's used as a gas shield when welding. But of course, my plan was Helium.
Now, I got pretty far with all of this, however, I obviously didn't do it. Most of it I constructed from bits and pieces of info I learned in physiology, chemistry and the internet. I did find helpful tips on methods I didn't want to try, but no specific directions like these. Then again, I was usually at work and in a rush to make the last bus. But here's what I deduced.
Helium boils at some ridiculously cold temperative, like -200C or something. That's why it's always gas at room temp. In order to get it in those tanks, it was probably cooled and capped, so when it ocmes out if will be chilly to some degree. Late fall chilly or deep Antartic winter chilly, I don't know. You can find out the temp of it inside and with ambient temperature in the tent along with your exhalation, some entropy will occur. I'm guessing you should wear long thermals and a sweater, take a couple blankets for both comfort and practical use, just in case.
The great thing about this method is that although it occurs painlessly and relatively quickly it takes a lot of preparation which is a safeguard against impulsive behavior.
The other thing I do not know is exactly how much of it you would need. That's why I suggest a smaller tent. Even if you used a standard two-person Coleman--that's like 6'5" in diameterwith a parboiled top. You can't ever stand up one so it is probably less than 5' tall. I'd just buy the biggest tank at Party City and pay for delivery. That way you don't have to lug it upstairs on the Subway. And besides, if it's your last purchase, why be cheap? And risk being veggie girl? No way! Go big. In fact, if it were me, I'd buy two. Here's why----
The longst part is the setup, the second longest is using the oxygen already in the tent, and then in your bloodstream/cells. Your cells--including your brain and heart and all other of your living tissue cells use oxygen for fuel in though the little sacs on the lungs and farts out CO2. If you break back in CO2, or if you can't breath back in, your lungs will stay full of CO2, but it can't pass back in through the membranes , so its like hitting a brick wall. Your saces are desperately pulling for something, anything and nothing will pass back in. That's the pain you'd feel of suffocation. You'll lose consciousness after a few minutes of agony.
No trauma, no pain. you know how I know for sure? Because it is the reason why people come to check the radon levels and why parents buy carbon monoxide monitors to hang in the hallway. It's odorless, colorless, and you don't have a clue what is going on until you're ready for a nap.
So that's my long, drawn-out, well though out and researched method of self-disposal if you want to save your face and die pretty. Those gunshot suicides are probably pretty ugly. And if you don't have ready access to a pharmaceutical hobbyist...
Shit, it's nearly 2am and I am sleepy. I hope this finds you well and in no desire for any long-term naps. However, I shared because I think we should all be able to decide our exit strategy if an emergency arrives. Or at least entertain you.
Can't wait for photos. I need some more joy in my life. The shit is getting deep around here. I feel like I'm in an asylum and it's the lunatics that are in charge. Oh yeah, I went to a review Friday and got a new and improved bullshit reason for being kept in solitary. This place is unbelievable. Merry Christmas. Eat some pie for me.
Peace,
Sarah
Happy Christmas.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #104
Dear Kelly,
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portmanis getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portmanis getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Ira Einhorn, #4 & 5
Hi Taurus:
Sitting in the law library under the blinding lights: the law has become so corrupt that I'm revolting against the acquistion of more legal knowledge, as that only increases my disgust.
It is BRRRR here too, but I'm relatively immune to the cold as I learned early to turn on my inner heart, and reinforced the need for it by never wearinga heavy coat--just gloves and a hat.
Thank you for the holiday card.
The job market is a horror, so I can only hope something will turn up.
Unless something strange happens, A Black Swan, the USA is going to be an economic mess for years.
The street economy was killed by people who work south of you on the island--they are doing fine again due to 9trillion in tax money, but you and others who saved them are the new forgotten.
Sounds simple but that iswhat happened.
And given the election and O's lack of stomach, little is going to happy for years.
Think out of the box.
I watched the leading feminists of my generation hit the biological wall and being to compromise, but children do not seem to be your issue.
The way the world is going it is not good for male or female.
I created a 21st century lifestyle in the last 60s and never looked back.
I watche a father (I had wonderful parenting from my mother and father) work himself into exhaustion day after day. He was a lump on the couch. I internalized that image and resisted monogamy and marriage like a plague (even when living with good ladies).
One would have made a good wife/partner, but the lump on the couch got in the way.
And 60s/70s was sexual revolution time. Pill + no AIDS. PARADISE.
But as I learned: monogamy suits me as I love closeness and intimacy and fidelity builds trust which is the essense of a good relationship.
Yes, it was grea tot have lovers in 10 cities (I travelled a lot) but nothing in my wild love life can equal the 14 years of closeness I had with my wife.
So, yes, details and hold stready RE: your demand.
Doi you want living together and marriage?
I had a few wonderful mistresses and some wild sex partners--trivial in comparison to the love I found with a woman who on the surface had little in common with me.
I'm so content with simple things, if I have learning tools and problems to work on.
A "job" is alien to me.
My only half jobs were two college teaching stints: Temple U and Harvard (2 hours a week--I was a fellow).
In that kind of environment, you must have a partner that you like, like, like as you are in touching range 24 hours a day and loving could take place over the cutting board as I touched or killsed my wife everytime I saw her.
From my older and European perspective American couples seem to be at war.
"Love" seems to have disppeared into some post modern analysis. SAD is the operative term I use, reinforced by all of the many women friends lovers seducers etc. who have written me since my return.
I did a lot of rollerskating on the street when I was young.
I went to an incredible all boys school--Central High in PA. Those are the people from my past who are still with me. My closest friend has been a friend since I was 12. I lost a series of friends when I cut off for 17 years and a lot have now deserted.
My basic education took place in high school: learning to write english with clarity and lots of math. The best for me has been omnivorous reading of the best since then and conversations with the brightest.
My 60s/70s friends are a who's who of people in many fields including government, business, Wall St.
I learned a living.
From 1964--till my bust: I read, read, read, took part in 1000s of conversations that went on for years in letters, telephone calls, conferences, etc and made love to anyone who attracted me that was wiling.
At Penn, I quickly befriended the best profs and helped them with their work. I rarely went to class. I used the open stack vast library to educate myself. The polymath of the univ. and I quickly became inseparable. We read as one mind. He was in love with me, but not my scene: we did not let that get in our way.
He was a great teacher, but a tortured man.
Tending him when he was down taught me as much as the books we read, the music we heard or the art and dance we saw.
He undertsood all of western art at a very deep level. It soaked my being. By the time I became friendly with John Cage U saw clearly what he was doing as I had absorbed those who helped create him.
He immediately put me up for a Guggenheim.
Penn for me was people and the library and the beginning of lots of sex.
An environment in which one could learn and experiment.
I dealt with everybody as people are people.
I follow my interests religiously. If you were, are reading and thinking, I will be interested. If not: GOODBYE.
Same with somen: If you don't attract me: BYE
Or a class: if prof came in with yellow notes and read, I disappeared.
In another time I'd be married with ten kids. I like basic things. The artiface, most fashion, is a joke to me. I note it and move on.
For most, a good university is a place to meet lots of people (in my day a husband) and have the time to explore what the PAST has saved. I'm a connector; I made friends wherever I went---at Penn, I was turned on to the mental elite. The social elite was of no interest: trivial, though at times they courted me.
Women who wanted conversation in bed as well as sex sought me out--older students, grad students, faculty wives. I had energy and I used it.
By happenstance in 63-64, I became a leader and media figure and from then on, the elite in terms of power, money and intelligence sought me out.
By my bust, I had a range of friends and money was being tossed at me.
It is a story that must be told. The telephone company was spending $100,000 a year to eat lunch with me. I was about to do a TV series.
Harvard liked what I did with my dorm students so they asked me to stay an extra 6 mos. and offered me all my meals and my dorm quarters even thoiugh my friendship in the institute was for only 6 months.
A MacArthur was looming
then all was destroyed
and I went underground for many years.
Keep warm,
Taurus
Reading: The Black Swan, Nassim Nicholas Taleb: about how little of the future we can predict. He's saying the same thing over and over again.
BUT
What he is saying is key. Now as things have gone non-linear and that really confuses most people, there are too few interesting minds about.
Chronic City:, Jonathan Lethem, novel, down't quite do it for me.
Shadow Elite, Janine R. Wedez- she is describing my past lifestyle in Ponderous terms---not sure I'll finish it.
She is doing anthropology amojnd the neocons and others who work in lots of shadowy areas.
Catching Fire, Richard Wrangham, How cooking food influenced how we became human.
Signature in the Cell, Stephen C. Meyer: A convincing case (totally) for design science, a book that blows a hole in the Darwinian edifice.
A book of essays re: Pre-Adam Smith economics.
I try to do some latin each day, but for quite a while now I've been doing erotic stories (writing them) instead. Some turn me on---others sound like porno (educated). If I had an agent I would publish them--probably under a pseudonym.
***
Hi Taurus Lady:
Got your blog cum art project today. WAiting ot hear about your love battle.
Words I would use:
THE SHADOW WON'T ERASE
If you like collage look up the master: Kurt Schwitters.
I'm writing so much that I can hardly believe the piles. Switched last night from the erotic stories to novellas. Back to my case. It just pours out. I'm ready, gut sans computer. DIFICIL!
House of total silence as we were on LOCKDOWN! for a general search.
My room hardly touched as the one guy khnew me and set the tone:
10 minutes after they left I was back to normal order.
COLD
CO who came to search said that the temp yesterday with wind chill was -26. Cold doesn't bother me but I'm not out fighting it.
Hope the job problem and the man who will not ocmmit is not too much of a damper on your obviously strong spirit.
I was born two drinks above par. I'm horrified about what is happening to the USA. The legal system, the environment, my case, etc.
But my spirit is irrepressible even in here, I bought of bed and get to it.
I just wrote a story that makes my hair stand on end. YET I feel good. I could be a terrorist with a smile.
Have you always wanted one man or is the feeling recent? When I picture my Taurus lovers, the main quality that comes to mind is loyalty, then vunerablity.
Strong but vunerable.
I seem to get along best with cancers and the scorpio who has her energy under control: rare, but if a Taurus and a Scorpio are the best combo in the Zodiac.
Dail and his muse/wife is an example.
I'm all Venus and my venus is at the midheaven--it dominates my chart.
I'm a love bug, but the externalization of that energy has turned me into a very sexual creature, though a real kiss can be more satisfying than any sexual act.
I'm mercurial uranian fixed earth solid, but given to transformation.
I guess the cardinal emotion of a cancer touches me deeply.
The other is such a powerful moving force. The downplaying of love in the USA saddens me.
Peace,
Ira.
Sitting in the law library under the blinding lights: the law has become so corrupt that I'm revolting against the acquistion of more legal knowledge, as that only increases my disgust.
It is BRRRR here too, but I'm relatively immune to the cold as I learned early to turn on my inner heart, and reinforced the need for it by never wearinga heavy coat--just gloves and a hat.
Thank you for the holiday card.
The job market is a horror, so I can only hope something will turn up.
Unless something strange happens, A Black Swan, the USA is going to be an economic mess for years.
The street economy was killed by people who work south of you on the island--they are doing fine again due to 9trillion in tax money, but you and others who saved them are the new forgotten.
Sounds simple but that iswhat happened.
And given the election and O's lack of stomach, little is going to happy for years.
Think out of the box.
I watched the leading feminists of my generation hit the biological wall and being to compromise, but children do not seem to be your issue.
The way the world is going it is not good for male or female.
I created a 21st century lifestyle in the last 60s and never looked back.
I watche a father (I had wonderful parenting from my mother and father) work himself into exhaustion day after day. He was a lump on the couch. I internalized that image and resisted monogamy and marriage like a plague (even when living with good ladies).
One would have made a good wife/partner, but the lump on the couch got in the way.
And 60s/70s was sexual revolution time. Pill + no AIDS. PARADISE.
But as I learned: monogamy suits me as I love closeness and intimacy and fidelity builds trust which is the essense of a good relationship.
Yes, it was grea tot have lovers in 10 cities (I travelled a lot) but nothing in my wild love life can equal the 14 years of closeness I had with my wife.
So, yes, details and hold stready RE: your demand.
Doi you want living together and marriage?
I had a few wonderful mistresses and some wild sex partners--trivial in comparison to the love I found with a woman who on the surface had little in common with me.
I'm so content with simple things, if I have learning tools and problems to work on.
A "job" is alien to me.
My only half jobs were two college teaching stints: Temple U and Harvard (2 hours a week--I was a fellow).
In that kind of environment, you must have a partner that you like, like, like as you are in touching range 24 hours a day and loving could take place over the cutting board as I touched or killsed my wife everytime I saw her.
From my older and European perspective American couples seem to be at war.
"Love" seems to have disppeared into some post modern analysis. SAD is the operative term I use, reinforced by all of the many women friends lovers seducers etc. who have written me since my return.
I did a lot of rollerskating on the street when I was young.
I went to an incredible all boys school--Central High in PA. Those are the people from my past who are still with me. My closest friend has been a friend since I was 12. I lost a series of friends when I cut off for 17 years and a lot have now deserted.
My basic education took place in high school: learning to write english with clarity and lots of math. The best for me has been omnivorous reading of the best since then and conversations with the brightest.
My 60s/70s friends are a who's who of people in many fields including government, business, Wall St.
I learned a living.
From 1964--till my bust: I read, read, read, took part in 1000s of conversations that went on for years in letters, telephone calls, conferences, etc and made love to anyone who attracted me that was wiling.
At Penn, I quickly befriended the best profs and helped them with their work. I rarely went to class. I used the open stack vast library to educate myself. The polymath of the univ. and I quickly became inseparable. We read as one mind. He was in love with me, but not my scene: we did not let that get in our way.
He was a great teacher, but a tortured man.
Tending him when he was down taught me as much as the books we read, the music we heard or the art and dance we saw.
He undertsood all of western art at a very deep level. It soaked my being. By the time I became friendly with John Cage U saw clearly what he was doing as I had absorbed those who helped create him.
He immediately put me up for a Guggenheim.
Penn for me was people and the library and the beginning of lots of sex.
An environment in which one could learn and experiment.
I dealt with everybody as people are people.
I follow my interests religiously. If you were, are reading and thinking, I will be interested. If not: GOODBYE.
Same with somen: If you don't attract me: BYE
Or a class: if prof came in with yellow notes and read, I disappeared.
In another time I'd be married with ten kids. I like basic things. The artiface, most fashion, is a joke to me. I note it and move on.
For most, a good university is a place to meet lots of people (in my day a husband) and have the time to explore what the PAST has saved. I'm a connector; I made friends wherever I went---at Penn, I was turned on to the mental elite. The social elite was of no interest: trivial, though at times they courted me.
Women who wanted conversation in bed as well as sex sought me out--older students, grad students, faculty wives. I had energy and I used it.
By happenstance in 63-64, I became a leader and media figure and from then on, the elite in terms of power, money and intelligence sought me out.
By my bust, I had a range of friends and money was being tossed at me.
It is a story that must be told. The telephone company was spending $100,000 a year to eat lunch with me. I was about to do a TV series.
Harvard liked what I did with my dorm students so they asked me to stay an extra 6 mos. and offered me all my meals and my dorm quarters even thoiugh my friendship in the institute was for only 6 months.
A MacArthur was looming
then all was destroyed
and I went underground for many years.
Keep warm,
Taurus
Reading: The Black Swan, Nassim Nicholas Taleb: about how little of the future we can predict. He's saying the same thing over and over again.
BUT
What he is saying is key. Now as things have gone non-linear and that really confuses most people, there are too few interesting minds about.
Chronic City:, Jonathan Lethem, novel, down't quite do it for me.
Shadow Elite, Janine R. Wedez- she is describing my past lifestyle in Ponderous terms---not sure I'll finish it.
She is doing anthropology amojnd the neocons and others who work in lots of shadowy areas.
Catching Fire, Richard Wrangham, How cooking food influenced how we became human.
Signature in the Cell, Stephen C. Meyer: A convincing case (totally) for design science, a book that blows a hole in the Darwinian edifice.
A book of essays re: Pre-Adam Smith economics.
I try to do some latin each day, but for quite a while now I've been doing erotic stories (writing them) instead. Some turn me on---others sound like porno (educated). If I had an agent I would publish them--probably under a pseudonym.
***
Hi Taurus Lady:
Got your blog cum art project today. WAiting ot hear about your love battle.
Words I would use:
THE SHADOW WON'T ERASE
If you like collage look up the master: Kurt Schwitters.
I'm writing so much that I can hardly believe the piles. Switched last night from the erotic stories to novellas. Back to my case. It just pours out. I'm ready, gut sans computer. DIFICIL!
House of total silence as we were on LOCKDOWN! for a general search.
My room hardly touched as the one guy khnew me and set the tone:
10 minutes after they left I was back to normal order.
COLD
CO who came to search said that the temp yesterday with wind chill was -26. Cold doesn't bother me but I'm not out fighting it.
Hope the job problem and the man who will not ocmmit is not too much of a damper on your obviously strong spirit.
I was born two drinks above par. I'm horrified about what is happening to the USA. The legal system, the environment, my case, etc.
But my spirit is irrepressible even in here, I bought of bed and get to it.
I just wrote a story that makes my hair stand on end. YET I feel good. I could be a terrorist with a smile.
Have you always wanted one man or is the feeling recent? When I picture my Taurus lovers, the main quality that comes to mind is loyalty, then vunerablity.
Strong but vunerable.
I seem to get along best with cancers and the scorpio who has her energy under control: rare, but if a Taurus and a Scorpio are the best combo in the Zodiac.
Dail and his muse/wife is an example.
I'm all Venus and my venus is at the midheaven--it dominates my chart.
I'm a love bug, but the externalization of that energy has turned me into a very sexual creature, though a real kiss can be more satisfying than any sexual act.
I'm mercurial uranian fixed earth solid, but given to transformation.
I guess the cardinal emotion of a cancer touches me deeply.
The other is such a powerful moving force. The downplaying of love in the USA saddens me.
Peace,
Ira.
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #104
Dear Kelly,
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portman is getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
Three letters to you in eight days! Another Festivus miracle!
Speaking of which: It is December and fett of snow is falling in the Rockies and a lovely blast of frigid air is coming your way for the weekend. We both know how much you look forward to that... so perhaps a few words on the holiday season.
You don't seem to me to be someone overly sentimental or enthusiastic about Christmas. But neither do you seem like a grinch (Trust me I have been friends with an/or dated both extremes as I'm sure you have.) Am I at least close? I know the bass parts of many Christmas carols.
Would it surprise you to know that I was a "gleeker"? And sang in Christmas Messiah choirs multiple times as a baritone/bass?
Three absolutely favorite Christmas carols: O HOLY NIGHT, ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
Possibly the most haunting Christmas song, or any song for that matter is O HOLY NIGHT! I'veheard many amazing renditions--one that comes to mind, believe it or not, was in an episode of NIP/TUCK...on Christmas Eve, Julia is considering an abortion for her child who has a serious birth defect...she in the clinic pondering as the tenor Aaron Neville singsl O HOLY NIGHT! Absolutely chilling...stunning.
Would love for you to listen to it. How difficult is it to access an FX episode from NIP/TUCK from 4 or 5 years ago online?
It's good you are the "cool aunt/godmother" to your goddaughter...I think having a child for children around for the holidays keeps most adults from going off the rails this time of year. Except of course thosewho kill their children around the holidays. You and I have never discussed the horrifying yet fascinating phenomenon of "Family Annihilators". With your interest in sociopaths, as subject you should research at some point.
OK that footnote takes up out of the holiday spirit so back to your amazing letters and the myriad of topics to discuss:
never thank you for your marvelously detailed yet concise analysis/summary of the film CATFISH. As you said: "cringeworthy and so very sad." But also incredibly fascinating and a metaphor for the internet age.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your occasional film summaries of movies that most people will neither see or find interesting. Thanks again.
> Before I forget I must ask you a key question on the background of your intriguing work of fiction---the Modern Love proposed column: It states that John became HIV positive in 1985. This raises a host of questions which may help to illuminate the later sociopathic/murderous behavior:
> How did J become infected? Despite the later waves of infection in drug users and of course the pandemic amongst heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa...In the US in 1985 fay sex or contaminated blood products. Remember, HIV/AIDS had been causing morbidity/mortality for years before a test was found to detect the virus in blood and blood products.
As you know, this is a subject I know something about and have studied...You might recall the almost incomprehensively tragic case of Elizabeth Glaser...wife of Starsky and Hutch actor Paul Michael Glaser. She contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in the '80s, passed it to both of her children and all three died of AIDS in the years when the only treatment was AZT.
My point again, how did J get it? Perhaps via an HIV woman who didn't tell him? or was it gay sex or a transfusion before anyone knew better?
Also Just how many exposed women are we talking about? Dozens? Scores? Hundreds? Many men and women infected in the 80s and 90s died. Kelly, did his partners?
Final question: Did J offer no clues at all? The triple cocktail/retroviaral treatment is rigorous and demanding. Multiple pills, mulitple times a day, every day.
A difficult thing to hide from a sexual partner. But obviously not impossible....
And there are, of course, side effects---also difficult to hide. But not impossible...
KK there are so many levels to this story. Again, if the ability and willingness to turn the story into a novel is ever there (and legal roadblocks removed) I would love to contribute knowledge of HIV/AIDS and understanding of the sociopathic mind.
And once again...and I will repeat it as often as necessary,you have the total package of writing skills needed for that project, and many others/PLUS access to technology to ease the process and contacts in publishing and in NYC.
I remain furious at J for his deep mistrust and fear he instilled on his innocent victim. I feel for you so much. I am very serious.
Please describe your "fictional" ideas on how he became infected. Surelyl there are far more than the one other woman you mentioned, Jenia.
Still one more final note: I imagine the psychological impact of discovering you were HIV + in 1985. I have not only read many personal accounts but have talked to many gay men who were positive early on, but survivied into the late 90s. Initially a death sentence, then borrowed time, then...
Once I know more--further discussion of what might be in J's mind...how a sociopath would perceive the court situation and his attitude towards his nemesis (Imagine what he must want to do to you. I will---at least try.
***
Just so you know: As I got through these letters, I am writing down specific items and points to discuss further and in more detail.
The possible writing projects are one of these items.
> if the above project on John ever took shape, a chapter on the spiderlike way that unsuspecting women can be drawn into the complex and sophisticated and amoral web of a man with sociopathic tendencies.
> AND the Big Three!!! It is an awesome concept, and OMG! Kelly, you've been writing about it for 11 years. This book would write itself, KK. I will think seriously about chapters/order/etc. and send the breakdown as I see it. One man's opinion anyway.
Still working on that letter of yours I mentioned in my last letter. Hope I did't nbore you with the questions and detaisl on the entire J situation. It is something we must discuss further and a story that I believe needs to be told in a novel in great detail.
Must get this in the mail--another letter to follow, hopefully a bit more concise but still in depth.
Just read a brilliant review of the Black Swan. Soundsl ike Aronofsky has made a film worth seeing. And more you know Natalie Portman is getting raves reviews. And one of my favorite actresses--Winona Ryder--is also in the film.
So totally sounds like a film to see. I hope someone does a novelization of the film.
Thinking of you sunshine--stay warm in your nest!
XOXO Take care and write soon.
Yours,
Michael
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #52
Kelly! I am so proud of you! That was huge for you to turn down meeting Amir's mother at Thanksgiving. I mean, that was one thing in your trifecta of requirements--meet family, meet friends, monogamy. But you stood firm and wanted it all. So I am dying to know what happened at your hours long public goodbye. I got to admit, if it had been me I would have taken the chance to meet the mom at Thanksgiving, then let him string me along for a few weeks to see what he could do for me for Christmas.
Can't wait for the next installment of Korangyville.
Thanksgiving sounded yummy. I am glad that you listed duck and turkey separately, as I have heard of those turducken things and figure that it was probably invented by a man. Who else would want 20lbs of solid fowl meat except a testosterone-fueled carnivore? [Insert Tim Taylor the Toolman's grunt here.] Your feast sounded so delicious-and pretty! Part of a food's appeal is its presentation. I read an article that sound is also a factor. This chef in London runs the Fat Duck restaurant and has a special dish---Sound of the Sea. It's shellfish, seaweed, foam and "sand" made of finely ground ice cream cone/eel/vegetable powder and the plate is served with a conch shell that hides inside of it a tiny iPod that plays sounds of the ocean. It has moved at least a dozen patrons to tears. This is based off of a psychology experiment with potato chips. The experiment: two bowls, exact same chips from exact same bag. Pesson puts on a pair of headphones in which their crunching sounds were amplified on one bowl, muted on the other. People reported fresher chips when louder, stale chips when softer. This may be part of marketing of KRUNCHER chips. (Fantastic chips! My favorite are jalapeno flavored.)
Our special meal was a slice of turkey loaf, ham loaf, on top of a scoop of jellied cranberry stuff, mashed potatoes, soggy stuffing, a half soggy roll, three pieces of lettuce w/ranch dressing and a pumpkin-filled something. I was very happy and thankful. It beats bologna. [That my the next meal.]
At home my favorite dish is the cornbread pudding my grandma Jane used to make and the Tex Mex dip Grandma Betty made. Both have passed and I wonder if I'll be able to reproduce those in the future.
I have successfully gained ten pounds of stress-related wieght. I'm stressed, so I chew my lip until it is raw. I buy sunflower seeds (high in fat) to nibble with my front teeth to save the flesh from my lips. Then, I had migraines, so I was on steroids for three months to get rid of the stubborn pain. Not helpful. And then I am lonely and depressed, a good reason to eat. And then its the holidays which either gives me a reason to eat in celebration or eat out of depression. So I have a plan. I've stocked up on seven packages of mackeral and sardines, am ordering 5 more, and plan to substitute one meal per day with a package of fish, which will 1) reduce my caloric intake 2) give me a psychological boost from omega 3 and 3) stick to condiments. No snacks, just condiments to make the food I do get taste better. And as much as i hate to, I'm going to have to start exercising in my room. Don't get me wrong, I like to walk and jog and will do the requisite crunches, push-ups, etc. but exercising in my room is difficult and depressing. More depressing than anything. I really thought they would have let me out by now, however, I grossly underestimated their position.
I am really suprised I haven't heard from you this week. I hope you are well and the Universe blessed you with something your heart desires.
Drink something festive for me this month. I love the December holiday season feelings in society. The closeness and social gatherings. Extra care and tenderness for strangers. A remberance of what is good in our lives. And food. And twinkle lights. And the freedom to read about baby Jesus or light a menorah or whatever people do for Kwanza. What will you do these next three weeks?
Take care,
Sarah
Can't wait for the next installment of Korangyville.
Thanksgiving sounded yummy. I am glad that you listed duck and turkey separately, as I have heard of those turducken things and figure that it was probably invented by a man. Who else would want 20lbs of solid fowl meat except a testosterone-fueled carnivore? [Insert Tim Taylor the Toolman's grunt here.] Your feast sounded so delicious-and pretty! Part of a food's appeal is its presentation. I read an article that sound is also a factor. This chef in London runs the Fat Duck restaurant and has a special dish---Sound of the Sea. It's shellfish, seaweed, foam and "sand" made of finely ground ice cream cone/eel/vegetable powder and the plate is served with a conch shell that hides inside of it a tiny iPod that plays sounds of the ocean. It has moved at least a dozen patrons to tears. This is based off of a psychology experiment with potato chips. The experiment: two bowls, exact same chips from exact same bag. Pesson puts on a pair of headphones in which their crunching sounds were amplified on one bowl, muted on the other. People reported fresher chips when louder, stale chips when softer. This may be part of marketing of KRUNCHER chips. (Fantastic chips! My favorite are jalapeno flavored.)
Our special meal was a slice of turkey loaf, ham loaf, on top of a scoop of jellied cranberry stuff, mashed potatoes, soggy stuffing, a half soggy roll, three pieces of lettuce w/ranch dressing and a pumpkin-filled something. I was very happy and thankful. It beats bologna. [That my the next meal.]
At home my favorite dish is the cornbread pudding my grandma Jane used to make and the Tex Mex dip Grandma Betty made. Both have passed and I wonder if I'll be able to reproduce those in the future.
I have successfully gained ten pounds of stress-related wieght. I'm stressed, so I chew my lip until it is raw. I buy sunflower seeds (high in fat) to nibble with my front teeth to save the flesh from my lips. Then, I had migraines, so I was on steroids for three months to get rid of the stubborn pain. Not helpful. And then I am lonely and depressed, a good reason to eat. And then its the holidays which either gives me a reason to eat in celebration or eat out of depression. So I have a plan. I've stocked up on seven packages of mackeral and sardines, am ordering 5 more, and plan to substitute one meal per day with a package of fish, which will 1) reduce my caloric intake 2) give me a psychological boost from omega 3 and 3) stick to condiments. No snacks, just condiments to make the food I do get taste better. And as much as i hate to, I'm going to have to start exercising in my room. Don't get me wrong, I like to walk and jog and will do the requisite crunches, push-ups, etc. but exercising in my room is difficult and depressing. More depressing than anything. I really thought they would have let me out by now, however, I grossly underestimated their position.
I am really suprised I haven't heard from you this week. I hope you are well and the Universe blessed you with something your heart desires.
Drink something festive for me this month. I love the December holiday season feelings in society. The closeness and social gatherings. Extra care and tenderness for strangers. A remberance of what is good in our lives. And food. And twinkle lights. And the freedom to read about baby Jesus or light a menorah or whatever people do for Kwanza. What will you do these next three weeks?
Take care,
Sarah
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Michael Swango, #102 & 103
[Ed.: As usual I am abandoning the underlining he does, but it remains in his actual letters. I am also skipping anything like movie or tv talk and only transcribing more personal and and interesting text.]
My Dear Scheherazade,
I am sure the reference is obvious, but I will explain why in a bit. You know i love to keep your beautiful mind working at all times...
Please excuse in advance what I am sure will be a somewhat disjointed letter(s). It has again been too long since I've written...so with no "stamp issues" currently, let me get to as much as I can. And there is a lot to discuss, both serious and not so much...
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
The other day on the news I heard about a woman with the enchanting first name of Scheherazade...so beautiful. Anyway, with all the tales and storeis and reporting and interviews you have done I could easily see you staving off your doom each dawn from some brutal Arab prince by telling him a marvelous story each night...except the ending which you tell the next night and begin a new stoyr. Because, Kelly, you do have well over 1001!
I'm not a poetry guy in general, but did you know that the film No Country for Old Men's title comes from a haunting poem, "Sailing to Byzantium"? I think by Yeats, but not positive. Look it up and tell me what you think.
One more item: I know you are not a Stephen King fan, but I think I've mentioned several times that some of his best work tends to be his novellas and short stories. I defy you to read his SS "The Jaunt" and not remember it for a long time. The ending will chill you to the bone. Anyway, his most recent collection is titled Full Dark, No Stars.
Given your interest in all things sociopathic, I thought you might want to read the story "The Good Marriage". If you do, tell me about it. I will read all four of them when they come out in paperback.
***
Now to your letters. Yes, I will get to your most provocative comments on the graphic discussions you feel I am writing and your wanting to know the ins and outs of what I did and why... PLEASE know that you do not sound like "stick in the mud" or "scolding". Way too much makes you uncomfortable, and you really do have issues with open discussion of certain subjects---but that's who you are and I accept you 100%. But that doesn't mean that our conversations should not try to push beyond our self-imposed borders. I will continue to do so--and make no apologies---and I hope you continue to push me and prod me as well. Because if you are not changing and evolving AND opening yourself to new ideas, why bother?
So--all that to come, but I must take the bits of your letters in order to avoid missing any of your marvelous missives:
IN FACT, may I make this observatoin. You must try to see me as more than a sociopath or partial sociopath or former sociopath--and trying to understand that without reference to the 95% of life what went on outside of that.
Don't get me wrong, Kelly, I understand your fascination. And given what has happened to you in the fairly recent past it would seem imperative that you seek out some of these answers. But, dear Kelly, I see you as a far, far more complex person and woman than what defines you as "narrowly" as a blogger or publicist or a woman who narrowly excaped adeath in a scooter accident.
You are all those things and more--so much more. And I want to know everything about all the above and what you see so afraid to discuss.
Just know that yours truly also has many, many levels and sides and depths. You cannot know the whole without knowing all the parts, in depth and in detail.
What a fascinating journey---on both sides. We've actually only just begun...so much to discuss...so little time. Please excuse me if some of the following seems dated:
> All the build-up for Lone Star, a couple of scintillating episodes with great promise...and then like Kayser Sose in The Usual Suspects...POOF- he's gone!
I commented on that fantastic photo of you at Amir's event. IN the audience twirling your hair...How did he not run down to you from the stage and propose on the spot?
He's a quite the handsome man, is he not? Does he tend to change his facial hair, which he clearly has no problem growing?
And I told you how I thought "John" might perceive the whole confrontation with you regarding the court case and beyond...
Your comments please.
Your friend, XOXO
Michael
***
Dear Kelly---
Oh My God, she said to herself, he actually wrote a second letter shortly after the first! It's a Festivus Miracle!
OKKK, picking up where I left off:
There was a great picture of you in the audience at Amir's event. You stand out so clearly from the sea of men in coats and ties. You look HOT, Kelly and OMG the legs! My point in recounting this ancient history is that it only proves how utterly and totally human and feminine you are, and the essence of love, is powerful uncontrollable emotions and contradiction on a grand scale. There is also an immense sexual component that cannot be separated from the rest, but we'll discuss that when you're more "comfortable" ... You konw if you opened yourself up to actual discussion, you might actually hear something new, Kelly. Imagine that!!! That's gentle chiding, not anger!
One more comment on the photos of a smiling Amir at his event, clearly in good spirits. Tell him he wears a bow tie very well. But you already knew that and I have a feeling he does as wel...
Stunning painting by your friend "Wish You Were..." It is just beautiful and amazing. However, I do not have that "feeling of loss and longing" that you have most of your days. In my situation, aboard the Starship Enterprise sans crew to Alpha Centauri, 4.3 light years away, that cannot be allowed.
> I just answered my own question about Amir's facial hair by seeing that fascinating photo of you and him at the museum this past summer. He is sans facial hair completely with a sinister and debonair look on his face. You look like a woman in love. Period. And so different from the photo of you with long hair and a drink in your hand.
UNEXPECTED STUNNING REVELATION:
I was once a loyal and faithful user of FLEX shampoo. It came in a big bottle, was amazingly inexpensive, and was fantastic.
And you tell me they don't sell it anymore at stores? Say it ain't so...
Can you tell me exactly when this happened? Late 90s? Early 00s? Recently? You must have gone ballistic.
So ends another of your amazing letters.
***
Repeating what I said at the time: You do not overhwelm me--keep sending me EVERYTHING you do. Naturally it is your letters and revelations and allowing me to know you more intimately that are most welcomed. And I want to do the same, or as much as you will allow...
Congrats on your Mr. Beller's Neighborhood stories turned into podcasts. How did the recording session in Brooklyn go? AND more importantly, how did they sound online?
WOW! What a truly odd [and by odd I mean bizarre!] episode with the woman selling comforters on ebay. My God, the only thing missing at the end of her sad story was the single gunshot...
Fascinating essay on the amazingly negative reaction to Gap's new attempt to change their logo. I had seen a story about it on one of the entertainment shows, but hte article gave the precious and welcome details.
KK--You would think they would have done a focus group on a new logo before unleashing it on the world. It is works for a vodka...
Yes, the new logo did SUCK! Sort of like New Coke redux@
In answer to your questions on focus groups, my days of them took place during my years at medical school in Springfield, IL. Like several other midwest towns (then and now) Springfield was considered the "heartland" and an ideal test market for various consumer products.
I was always short on funds, and they would pay you for your time. So...the answer is yes. Several times. One was actually for a shampoo (not Flex, however)!
By the way, as previously mentioned (not commented by you at the time) this was the same time during which I was a regular sperm donor (X3 years).
***
The next part of your missive requires a lot of discussion...
You saying I am inh the minority in liking your writing our possible collaboration...you writing the Big Three... the widow and the stewardess. I dont' want to minimize this by shorthand: the widow was and is a beautiful sensitive woman with whom the intensity was beyond belief...The stewardess hurt so muich, and I liek to think I helped her at a time of desperate pain and need...
You take care. Know the Universe will take care of you and good thoughts your way from the west every day. Hang in there you amazing woman. Thinking of you.
Your friend,
Michael
PS Great line from Glee:
"Rachel, you are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating..."
My Dear Scheherazade,
I am sure the reference is obvious, but I will explain why in a bit. You know i love to keep your beautiful mind working at all times...
Please excuse in advance what I am sure will be a somewhat disjointed letter(s). It has again been too long since I've written...so with no "stamp issues" currently, let me get to as much as I can. And there is a lot to discuss, both serious and not so much...
[Ed.: Omitting movie talk.]
The other day on the news I heard about a woman with the enchanting first name of Scheherazade...so beautiful. Anyway, with all the tales and storeis and reporting and interviews you have done I could easily see you staving off your doom each dawn from some brutal Arab prince by telling him a marvelous story each night...except the ending which you tell the next night and begin a new stoyr. Because, Kelly, you do have well over 1001!
I'm not a poetry guy in general, but did you know that the film No Country for Old Men's title comes from a haunting poem, "Sailing to Byzantium"? I think by Yeats, but not positive. Look it up and tell me what you think.
One more item: I know you are not a Stephen King fan, but I think I've mentioned several times that some of his best work tends to be his novellas and short stories. I defy you to read his SS "The Jaunt" and not remember it for a long time. The ending will chill you to the bone. Anyway, his most recent collection is titled Full Dark, No Stars.
Given your interest in all things sociopathic, I thought you might want to read the story "The Good Marriage". If you do, tell me about it. I will read all four of them when they come out in paperback.
***
Now to your letters. Yes, I will get to your most provocative comments on the graphic discussions you feel I am writing and your wanting to know the ins and outs of what I did and why... PLEASE know that you do not sound like "stick in the mud" or "scolding". Way too much makes you uncomfortable, and you really do have issues with open discussion of certain subjects---but that's who you are and I accept you 100%. But that doesn't mean that our conversations should not try to push beyond our self-imposed borders. I will continue to do so--and make no apologies---and I hope you continue to push me and prod me as well. Because if you are not changing and evolving AND opening yourself to new ideas, why bother?
So--all that to come, but I must take the bits of your letters in order to avoid missing any of your marvelous missives:
IN FACT, may I make this observatoin. You must try to see me as more than a sociopath or partial sociopath or former sociopath--and trying to understand that without reference to the 95% of life what went on outside of that.
Don't get me wrong, Kelly, I understand your fascination. And given what has happened to you in the fairly recent past it would seem imperative that you seek out some of these answers. But, dear Kelly, I see you as a far, far more complex person and woman than what defines you as "narrowly" as a blogger or publicist or a woman who narrowly excaped adeath in a scooter accident.
You are all those things and more--so much more. And I want to know everything about all the above and what you see so afraid to discuss.
Just know that yours truly also has many, many levels and sides and depths. You cannot know the whole without knowing all the parts, in depth and in detail.
What a fascinating journey---on both sides. We've actually only just begun...so much to discuss...so little time. Please excuse me if some of the following seems dated:
> All the build-up for Lone Star, a couple of scintillating episodes with great promise...and then like Kayser Sose in The Usual Suspects...POOF- he's gone!
I commented on that fantastic photo of you at Amir's event. IN the audience twirling your hair...How did he not run down to you from the stage and propose on the spot?
He's a quite the handsome man, is he not? Does he tend to change his facial hair, which he clearly has no problem growing?
And I told you how I thought "John" might perceive the whole confrontation with you regarding the court case and beyond...
Your comments please.
Your friend, XOXO
Michael
***
Dear Kelly---
Oh My God, she said to herself, he actually wrote a second letter shortly after the first! It's a Festivus Miracle!
OKKK, picking up where I left off:
There was a great picture of you in the audience at Amir's event. You stand out so clearly from the sea of men in coats and ties. You look HOT, Kelly and OMG the legs! My point in recounting this ancient history is that it only proves how utterly and totally human and feminine you are, and the essence of love, is powerful uncontrollable emotions and contradiction on a grand scale. There is also an immense sexual component that cannot be separated from the rest, but we'll discuss that when you're more "comfortable" ... You konw if you opened yourself up to actual discussion, you might actually hear something new, Kelly. Imagine that!!! That's gentle chiding, not anger!
One more comment on the photos of a smiling Amir at his event, clearly in good spirits. Tell him he wears a bow tie very well. But you already knew that and I have a feeling he does as wel...
Stunning painting by your friend "Wish You Were..." It is just beautiful and amazing. However, I do not have that "feeling of loss and longing" that you have most of your days. In my situation, aboard the Starship Enterprise sans crew to Alpha Centauri, 4.3 light years away, that cannot be allowed.
> I just answered my own question about Amir's facial hair by seeing that fascinating photo of you and him at the museum this past summer. He is sans facial hair completely with a sinister and debonair look on his face. You look like a woman in love. Period. And so different from the photo of you with long hair and a drink in your hand.
UNEXPECTED STUNNING REVELATION:
I was once a loyal and faithful user of FLEX shampoo. It came in a big bottle, was amazingly inexpensive, and was fantastic.
And you tell me they don't sell it anymore at stores? Say it ain't so...
Can you tell me exactly when this happened? Late 90s? Early 00s? Recently? You must have gone ballistic.
So ends another of your amazing letters.
***
Repeating what I said at the time: You do not overhwelm me--keep sending me EVERYTHING you do. Naturally it is your letters and revelations and allowing me to know you more intimately that are most welcomed. And I want to do the same, or as much as you will allow...
Congrats on your Mr. Beller's Neighborhood stories turned into podcasts. How did the recording session in Brooklyn go? AND more importantly, how did they sound online?
WOW! What a truly odd [and by odd I mean bizarre!] episode with the woman selling comforters on ebay. My God, the only thing missing at the end of her sad story was the single gunshot...
Fascinating essay on the amazingly negative reaction to Gap's new attempt to change their logo. I had seen a story about it on one of the entertainment shows, but hte article gave the precious and welcome details.
KK--You would think they would have done a focus group on a new logo before unleashing it on the world. It is works for a vodka...
Yes, the new logo did SUCK! Sort of like New Coke redux@
In answer to your questions on focus groups, my days of them took place during my years at medical school in Springfield, IL. Like several other midwest towns (then and now) Springfield was considered the "heartland" and an ideal test market for various consumer products.
I was always short on funds, and they would pay you for your time. So...the answer is yes. Several times. One was actually for a shampoo (not Flex, however)!
By the way, as previously mentioned (not commented by you at the time) this was the same time during which I was a regular sperm donor (X3 years).
***
The next part of your missive requires a lot of discussion...
You saying I am inh the minority in liking your writing
You take care. Know the Universe will take care of you and good thoughts your way from the west every day. Hang in there you amazing woman. Thinking of you.
Your friend,
Michael
PS Great line from Glee:
"Rachel, you are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating..."
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #51
Kelly,
I got a flourescent orange letter from you last night, thanks. I am always affected by color, especially in unexpected places. I never noticed it much unitl I lived in a world of cement and steel, harsh lighting, hard angles, and three colors, all traditional institutional colors. And speaking of colors, I created another Black, White, and Red envelope for you. I even shunned the bell stamp for the flag because it had red, white and dk. blue, which would not upset the balance much. I like this one. I tsort of created itself. Oftentimes I paint a variation of what I see in real life, but this, I pulled directly out of my ass. I nominate it museum-worthy!
Glad you liked Mr. Mini [Ed.: painting she did on previous envelope]. God knows you need all the pleasantries you can get right now. When I read your last entry, about the snapping hairband, I totally got you. As in, I was recreated myself. Overm y life,I have gone through cycles, like waves, of depression, since I was like, 14. At 16, I made a valiant effort at suicide, only to wake up alive and pissed off, even more depressed. In jail, in prisonm and because my circumstances keep getting harder, the waves get bigger. Higher highs, lower lows. Crazy, panicky shit. More tears and snot-clogged tissues than I care to count. And it is in those valleys of the wave where those snapping hairbands, a not-good news letter, or in one case, a falling coffee bag, that trigger the urge to just fucking die. I've thought of a dozen ways to end it that would not be too painful or traumatizing. I researched it when I was in Chicago---the levels of pain or panic associated with different types of suicide. And from what I have read, the idea of just walking into the sea surf or sliding down into your tub m ay sound like a soothing way to go, but it is not. One reason why drowning is not ranked up there at the top is because it is not instaneous relief. It is pretyt much like suffocating, because what you are really doing is depriving your lungs of usable oxygen, and so you must suffer the crushing agony of carbon dioxide buildup in your system for about two-three minutes before you lose consciousness, and then another minute or so for your heart to quit. That's why guns are popular. Instant (hopefully) relief. Or the razor-blade-in-water method. It's a lot slower than poeple think. You have to lay in your bloody water for like a half-hour before you bleed enough. If you cut really well, maybe 15 minutes to lose consciousness. 45 to be beyond this world. And it's a cold way to go, literally. I actually found the perfect way to go, where I could jsut lay, listening to my MP3 player until the Universe booked me out. No pain. No panic. And I even wetn so far to begin writing my last letter, but by the time I figured out how to get what I needed (it took 2 days of plotting), I rose up enough out of the valley to push it off for the next time. And then a month later I was arrested. And two years later, I'm still stuck in this bathroom. Anyway, I just totally get you in that moment.
Don't forget, if you commit suicide [Ed.: I never said or even alluded to killing myself] Mini would be the first to find you, and that would traumatize him for life. You wouldn't want that. And then he'd be without you, which would make him want to run in front of a speeding car. Even then, it would only break his legs, leaving him a traumatized, ownerless, gimp. You simply can't do that to Mini.
Did you ever figure out what was written on the copy paper the bank guy was holding?
I, too, look in the mirror, unbelieving the soft wrinkles starting to form around my eyes, on my forehead, around my mouth. And simply cannot fathom that I have lived in prison for ten years. You talk about your youth and innocence being wasted. Don't I fucking know!
I cannot believe you wrote this: "Because he's so prominent and I'm a nobody with a bad reputation, I try hard not to discuss the industry with him." Kelly, I get tha tyou aren't on the Top Ten List of Who's Who in RE, but WTF? Don't you have faith in your abilities? The more you treat yourself as a precious object to be had, the more value you have---because of the way you show up to people. And what about your reputation is so bad? Bc. you were fired for blogging? Because you are the Plaintiff in a lawsuit? Your personal life has absolutely NOTHING to do with your ability to work. Or create. Or organize. Or whatever job skills you need. I have a very bad reputation, yet that sure didn't impair my job skills when I was out. That proves that it's all perception. Perceive yourself as worthy and amazing, because you are. And others will catch on quickly.
Although Amir knows your situation and has not offered to help with job leads doens't mean anything. Men are DENSE. Often they just miss it. Plus they want to feel needed, so maybe he is waiting for you to ask.
How did you know you had so many readers of your now-defunct public blog? Does it tell you how many views you got? And you think you are a nobody..shush.
I understand about not being able to talk about the deal with "John" openly. My random thought was -- ok NY is a blue state...
I hate it how every time I get handcuffed behind my back, my nose itches.
So, do you smell like your apartment? And what does your apartment smell like?
What will you do for Thanksgiving? I bet Chinese food is popular in NYC.
Hope you liked my first story. I look forward to getting a response from Michele. Oh, that info you sent for the Creative Non-Fiction Magazine, how much does s single issue or subscription cost? I'd liek to see an issue before I write something to submit.
Hope you are well and the Universe has brought you a big, happy blessing!
Peace,
Sarah
I got a flourescent orange letter from you last night, thanks. I am always affected by color, especially in unexpected places. I never noticed it much unitl I lived in a world of cement and steel, harsh lighting, hard angles, and three colors, all traditional institutional colors. And speaking of colors, I created another Black, White, and Red envelope for you. I even shunned the bell stamp for the flag because it had red, white and dk. blue, which would not upset the balance much. I like this one. I tsort of created itself. Oftentimes I paint a variation of what I see in real life, but this, I pulled directly out of my ass. I nominate it museum-worthy!
Glad you liked Mr. Mini [Ed.: painting she did on previous envelope]. God knows you need all the pleasantries you can get right now. When I read your last entry, about the snapping hairband, I totally got you. As in, I was recreated myself. Overm y life,I have gone through cycles, like waves, of depression, since I was like, 14. At 16, I made a valiant effort at suicide, only to wake up alive and pissed off, even more depressed. In jail, in prisonm and because my circumstances keep getting harder, the waves get bigger. Higher highs, lower lows. Crazy, panicky shit. More tears and snot-clogged tissues than I care to count. And it is in those valleys of the wave where those snapping hairbands, a not-good news letter, or in one case, a falling coffee bag, that trigger the urge to just fucking die. I've thought of a dozen ways to end it that would not be too painful or traumatizing. I researched it when I was in Chicago---the levels of pain or panic associated with different types of suicide. And from what I have read, the idea of just walking into the sea surf or sliding down into your tub m ay sound like a soothing way to go, but it is not. One reason why drowning is not ranked up there at the top is because it is not instaneous relief. It is pretyt much like suffocating, because what you are really doing is depriving your lungs of usable oxygen, and so you must suffer the crushing agony of carbon dioxide buildup in your system for about two-three minutes before you lose consciousness, and then another minute or so for your heart to quit. That's why guns are popular. Instant (hopefully) relief. Or the razor-blade-in-water method. It's a lot slower than poeple think. You have to lay in your bloody water for like a half-hour before you bleed enough. If you cut really well, maybe 15 minutes to lose consciousness. 45 to be beyond this world. And it's a cold way to go, literally. I actually found the perfect way to go, where I could jsut lay, listening to my MP3 player until the Universe booked me out. No pain. No panic. And I even wetn so far to begin writing my last letter, but by the time I figured out how to get what I needed (it took 2 days of plotting), I rose up enough out of the valley to push it off for the next time. And then a month later I was arrested. And two years later, I'm still stuck in this bathroom. Anyway, I just totally get you in that moment.
Don't forget, if you commit suicide [Ed.: I never said or even alluded to killing myself] Mini would be the first to find you, and that would traumatize him for life. You wouldn't want that. And then he'd be without you, which would make him want to run in front of a speeding car. Even then, it would only break his legs, leaving him a traumatized, ownerless, gimp. You simply can't do that to Mini.
Did you ever figure out what was written on the copy paper the bank guy was holding?
I, too, look in the mirror, unbelieving the soft wrinkles starting to form around my eyes, on my forehead, around my mouth. And simply cannot fathom that I have lived in prison for ten years. You talk about your youth and innocence being wasted. Don't I fucking know!
I cannot believe you wrote this: "Because he's so prominent and I'm a nobody with a bad reputation, I try hard not to discuss the industry with him." Kelly, I get tha tyou aren't on the Top Ten List of Who's Who in RE, but WTF? Don't you have faith in your abilities? The more you treat yourself as a precious object to be had, the more value you have---because of the way you show up to people. And what about your reputation is so bad? Bc. you were fired for blogging? Because you are the Plaintiff in a lawsuit? Your personal life has absolutely NOTHING to do with your ability to work. Or create. Or organize. Or whatever job skills you need. I have a very bad reputation, yet that sure didn't impair my job skills when I was out. That proves that it's all perception. Perceive yourself as worthy and amazing, because you are. And others will catch on quickly.
Although Amir knows your situation and has not offered to help with job leads doens't mean anything. Men are DENSE. Often they just miss it. Plus they want to feel needed, so maybe he is waiting for you to ask.
How did you know you had so many readers of your now-defunct public blog? Does it tell you how many views you got? And you think you are a nobody..shush.
I understand about not being able to talk about the deal with "John" openly. My random thought was -- ok NY is a blue state...
I hate it how every time I get handcuffed behind my back, my nose itches.
So, do you smell like your apartment? And what does your apartment smell like?
What will you do for Thanksgiving? I bet Chinese food is popular in NYC.
Hope you liked my first story. I look forward to getting a response from Michele. Oh, that info you sent for the Creative Non-Fiction Magazine, how much does s single issue or subscription cost? I'd liek to see an issue before I write something to submit.
Hope you are well and the Universe has brought you a big, happy blessing!
Peace,
Sarah
