Kelly Belly,
If I were free I would do two things for you send you a little box of Jelly Bellies and volunteer myself and a semi-attractive Italian man to haul your new couch up so you could have whatever couch you wanted, delivery option or not.
I think the ones with spindly legs would work better in your apt. aesthetically, but seems like a lot of hassle when the big black bulky one meets off of your needs. Have you thought about saving yourself the hassle and just getting new cushions for the one you already have?
I don't even have words for the Amir story. It's just WOW! Remember when you asked about what people would suggest you do to "burn the fucking house down" in order to get rid of Amir? I think you figured it out. Not that you intended her to extort him, but you get your intended painful infliction of woes unto him and it does seem to have kept you from poisoning yourself further with Amirion. I'm sure the withdrawal sucks and you, like so many of us, want a hand to hold and cute emails in your box, but at least you have swank parties and art museums. I'm lonely, live in a bathroom, and am collecting cobwebs.
Great party photos, by the way.
Yay! For the tree that survived 911! We love trees. The waterfall memorial is pretty. Water is life. We don't value either one enough.
Sometimes I am able to catch cooking shows on the public TV channel and there's one called America's Test Kitchen where they make wonderful stuff and explain why each thing works the way it does (food gastronomy or whatever) and they made a souffle that looked fabulous. I am hungry.
NO STABBING THE SOUFFLE!!
You will miss Reidtard when he's gone. Admit it. Just a little You need a Scrabble partner who doesn't cheat and a boyfriend who doesn't cheat and a girl fried who isn't a cunt. Maybe that's the next Big Three.
I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER SHAKES! I also want to perfect a peanut butter pie recipe for my friend so when he opens his restaurant, he will sell Pender's Peanut Butter Pie. Not PB Cream Pie. That's lighter. This is so rich and heavy, it's like eating a slice of Newt Gringrich. Only without the bad aftertaste.
Just exactly what kind of fun do you have at a creepy party with drunk douchebags? Rent a Netflix, make some yummy Amaretto/chocolate/PB ice cream drink, and curl up on your new couch with MINI. Maybe you should take a vacation to Maine. Don't they have nice men in Maine? Or there's lots of good ol' monogamous country boys lost out here in the cornfield of the Midwest. I'm just saying.
All of the interviews for Snapped went really well. We talked a lot about the events that lead up to the crimes, which included a lot about my relationship to men in my life. I went into the ordeal just wanting to be transparent, so I answered openly and honestly. It was freeing because I recalled how I felt about Rick without feeling like I had to villify him because of what he later did. To them and to me. At the time, I was face-busted fallen in love, but I realize that I, like many women, fell in love with an image of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be.
He had been captain of the football team in high school and had a scholarship to play at NY Syracuse. He'd been a wrestling champion and had aspirations of going professional. He had great manners with my parents, could be sensitive and sweet, put the toilet seat down, and allowed himself to cry in front of me twice. He laughed a lot of was good to his mom and sister. I already had us in a 2 bedroom ranch home in the suburbs with a fenced yard and dog and cookouts with neighbors and family over at holidays.
In my mind if I just loved him enough nagged him a little a gave him all he wanted, he'd want those things too. And it was working, I thought.
Hey! George Wright escaped from prison 40 years ago after a murder conviction and was found in Algeria this week. Just heard it NPR.
Anyway, so being able to speak openly made it issues to talk about why I made the choices I did around his crimes. The sound man later told my mother that I was one of the most personable, straightforward, and believable people he's ever seen interviewed. And for the first time, he believes someone was wrongfully convicted. It also helps that when they interviewed my co-defendant, the producer told me that he openly admitted that he was the person who shot the victims, that I had nothing to do with it, that I never once manipulated him in our relationship and the only things I asked for him to do was to stop selling drugs, get a real job and settle down with me.
My mom, sister Jeni, Jamie her husband, Larry, Kim, Pam and Bridgette all interviewed on my behalf and everyone said it went very well. The producer and crew were impressed with how much they loved and supported me. After all of the interviews, I was last. The producer said she left the prison and immediately called her editor and said, "I've got the story of your dreams."
It's supposed to air in January.
I got your letter late---there are no Kelly shout-outs. Maybe next interview. You are so funny.
I need to lose some weight so I am thinking about getting dehydrated vegetables for snacks. They sell the kind you boil to put in soups or whatever, but I like to eat them one by one with my front teeth. I used to use sunflower kernals but at 500 calories a bag, it sucked. I am over this anxiety that makes me want to chew. I gnaw my lip and my cuticles. It's ridiculous. It's this ROOM.
But I am not even whining. I just am happy that we are getting more awareness out there about my case. Once I find a lab that runs this software and can prove that I was convicted on false evidence, I'll get my convictions overturned and no jury would convict me on the real evidence. I'll finally get what I deserve and go home. Remember the anagram? PARDONS HER. That's right. The judge will do what amounts to a pardon. December 2013. The Universe told me so.
That's a reason to LIVE for sure!
Love songs make me thing of the days of my youth. What I wouldn't give to be 20 again, waking up to David gently humping my thigh at 2am. Or even 18 again in the all-girl dormitory at Purdue. I'd sure like ti all back to do over. I picture myself working a mile underground in a big particle accelerator, not writing hundreds of letters each year, stuck in a bathroom, eating bad food, plagued by mental illness, and under a sentence for crimes I didn't commit. WTF? This better do some real, serious good in the world to be worth all this bullshit. I want to make a positive difference to rival NLK Jr or something. I want a large cheese and pineapple pizza, too. And garlic butter for the pizza bones. I want a deep tub full of hot,milky water. I want a pet fish. A whole tank of them. And a job I love. And an MP3 player full of music I like. Iw ant to walk barefoot in the grass and feed the ducks. I want to smell apple wood burn in the fireplace. I want to plant mums by the front porch and make a wreath for the door. I want to eat fried biscuits and apple butter. I want someone I love to fix me biscuits and gravy Saturday morning and rub my feet. I want to experience the Third Entity again.
Take care,
Sarah
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #73
Dear Kel,
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
I'm listening to the top 30 country songs being counted down and it is a great way to feel better---listening to all the sad songs makes me feel for--for them--and eventually feel better about my own loneliness. I am a little jealous that they even have relationship to wreck in the first place. I still don't know what happened betw. you and Amir after he came back from Iran. In one letter, he came home; in the next, you had blown it, he hated you and it was too raw for you to talk about. And now you say that Amir had to sneak to see you in the rain b/c his family hates you. I never got to hear the story, so I'm not only clueless, but I missed the story. I have no love life, no romance to speak of, and look forward to your Amir stories. Remember, I live in a bathroom, Kelly. Your love life is like cable tv reality shows for free people. I missed the special Amir--coming home episode. Can I get a rerun?
Oh, man. Now it is the song, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?' about Sept. 11th. I remember I was in jail and after the second plane hit...about ten minutes later, the jailers pulled the plug on our tv and we conjured up the beginning of World War III and what would happen if they invaded and started bombing Indianapolis (as if)?
Would they leave us in there to die or be captured or let us free to fend for ourselves? It was wild being left in the dark. After the hurricane and now the beefed up security for terrorist threats, I imagine life has been a little weird for the past two weeks in NYC.
Did you really read James Joyce's Ulysses? I heard that it took him seven years to write that book and it was initially rejected by publishers only to become one of the greatest novels of the 20th century. It did not, however, make my "Books that have make history: Books that can change your life" list put out by Great Courses audio lectures. :-) Homer's Iliad made it but not Odyssey. Other books I have read that made the list:
Bhagavad Gita
Book of Exodus
Mark
Job
Inferno (Divine Comedy)
Othello Julius Caesar
Gettysburg Address
What is sad--there are 36 books on the list. Out of the seven I read I can only recall the specifics of four of them. I do want to read Beowufl, 1984, Faust, Walden, and the autobiography of Ghandi.
I'll write mom again about your name. She said there were lots of hands in the box 2 weeks ago but had been overwhelmed with issues at home and then she's been doing stuff for my court case, transcripts, and I believe today she was interviewing with the producer of Snapped! They flew my sister up from FL and got her a rental car so they could do the interview together. My interview is Tuesday. I'm partly nervous, and partly confident. I believe it will ultimately help me. Last Saturday, she was wheezing with an awful chest cold. I worry about her.
Have you ever had a one-night stand via CL?
What does ZOMG stand for?
Are you still creating text/cards/stories out of media for Amir?
You should document them all and public them in a book: LOVE HURTS. LOVE BITS. Loving a Sociopath to Pieces. WordPlay, LOVE IS PUZZLING!!!
I love your premonitions and futuristic anagrams. I still hang onto what I discovered in them. I'll be released legally from prison, healthy and happy in Dec. 2013. The Universe rocks.
How far away are you from Amir on the distant shore now? Is there a chance that you can get the captain to turn the boat around? If you yell, "Swim, Baby, SWIM!" would he come for you?
I sent my query letter into PM Press and today I saw that Ms. Magazine reviewed a book from PM Press. They publish a lot of radical literature, activist stuff, so feminist literature would certainly fit in there. I haven't written anything since I sent in my submission to the PEN American Center's contest for Prisoner Writing two weeks ago. My civil case is moving along; I have the interview this week with Oxygen Networks show, and heavy correspondence with a local TV investigative journalist and setting up an interview there, too. Plus, more hand art projects out to other artist to spread the requests. This week I got one from CAN, ENG, and NJ. This is fun. Oh, I heard on our local NPR station an interview with Ken Honeywell; he had a couple fellow writers started a marketing company and their side project is a literary site that pays authors for their work--a little sarcastic, fun, and snarky (that's YOU!) called punchnels.com It'ts about four years old now. Anyway, I thought you might want to submit something because you have great stories.
Hope you are well and have new Amir stories. I love you two being together like bored housewives love their favorite soap opera couple. And new dates are a close second favorite.
Peace,
Sarah
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #70-72
Kelly,
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Hey, thank you for all of your feedback about the whole book ordeal, your impressions, and advice on PR. Super duper helpful. I will send a note to my mom about your name. It should be listed Kelly K. from NY. I understand your reasoning.
I got the book on Friday but it got sent back. I have another one coming from Amazon. You said not to fight a war on the internet. That makes sense. So where is the real battlefield? In legit print like books, newspapers and news/cable shows? Two cable shows contacted me recently---"Snapped" on the Oxygen Network and "I Almost Got Away With It" from... I forget what network. Any input on those or tips on what to do? I do not know what I am doing.
I suppose the responses I got about the book were from personal friends and family, so they would be sensitive to the information. Another family member said it was a boring recitation of events. I just got that review. Thank you for speaking or specifics. I was led to believe that there were sepcific, graphic acts depicted. I suppose that I have told more graphic stories myself. Well, that's a relief. I do have a keep in mind that you are a liberal New Yorker and most readers are sexually repressed, judgemental, self-righteous Midwestern conservatives. Still, your input is valuable. Thank you.
I love your hand puzzle idea. I am sure that it should be allowed though the gentleman who censors my mail. If not I will ask him to let forward it to my mom for posting on the site.
Glad you liked hte dialogue. I sent you snippets. I finally started note taking for the memoir again. I am getting back in the creative groove. Do you really think that I should start with Miller's agent? I suppose they'd know which publisher was interested and make more moeny by a double promotion. Hmmm. Interesting.
Your questions: I think that inmates are not allowed to profit from books about their crime, however if it does not focus on my crime, I don't know. I don't have to be the sole author.
I didn't pick my name, really. Tom andI talked about it. I wanted to be Rachel. He didn't like that. We settled on Ashley about the 3rd or 4th name. I picked up a generic last name like Smith or Miller. Lots of those in Indiana. It had no special meaning.
I find it interesting that you bought the book used on ebay. Do you pay for the shipping cost? How much was it?
I liked the Helen Keller card. I heard a story on NPR about woman who was in a coma and her boyfriend was convinced that she could communicate, but she was deaf without her hearing aid and she wouldn't let them put it in. Doctors said it was reflex. He traced word on her arm using the wrist line as a base line and she responded! Once they had a dialogue going, they showed the doctor who was astounded. He traced questions on her writst and she verbally answered from her coma state. She kept telling him to put in her hearing aid and when they did, she could hear, and came out of the coma! All because he had recently read the story of how Helen Keller learned to read/communicate while deaf and blind.
How was the TV premiere?
Yes, I loved Tom, thought I was never in love with him. I loved him for all he did for me and was trustworthy and reliable in such a chaos and loneliness. There were time when he wasn't nice to me, too, but it was a package deal. In the beginning, Tom tried to buy me a few fancy things, including a big diamond ring. I thought they were gaudy and told him I'd rather hav ea simple, smaller diamond ring and the rest of hte balance I could buy a used car! I made it clear that I don't have fancy tastes, I just want to survive comfortably, and not suck the well dry. I relied on Tom for when I needed him. That security was worth more than any material thing.
I don't know what Jeni does. [Ed.: Her sister.] Mostly sales. Right now she is a domestic engineer (stay-at-home mom) for her boyfriend and her two joint-custody kids. She writes sporadically, but is so loving and affectionate when she does write, you'd think we called each other daily. She is a strange breed, but we love her. Me and Dad call her Princess of the Universe.
Thanks for the info. on the Glamour contests and Creative Non-Fiction. I don't know if David participated or not [in Miller's book on me.] I havne't talked to him since July 2008.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 2008. I imagine that his wife certainly freaked out and may have divorced him over this, but who knows? I hope he is doing well. He had many good qualities, though I would not have endured his bad qualities if I were free to choose a boyfriend now. If I were free right now, I would likely be dating Kim and seeing Jamie, too. I once wanted to have a baby with Kim. She was one of my motivating factors to escape. I loved her and she was going to come for me in March 2009. She taught me how to be brave against the Powers That Be and risked her freesome to help give me mine. If it weren't for her and Jamie, I woudln't be here today. They saved my life. Literally.
YOU MUST RESIST THE URGE FOR AMIR!!!
Don't do it Kelly. He's POISONOUS!
AAARRRGGGHHH. Chick. Snort. [Fall over.'
Okay, "m off to do more big things.
Be Well.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
GREAT HAND! Thank you! This will be a unique addition to the exhibit when it is displayed to the public because it is such a unique medium.Is the red stuff fingernail polish? LOVE it. Mom is going to love it too. I have two others to send her. One is from an asst. surgeon down in FL. He traced his hand and then drew in all the bones. I thought that was pretty cool.
I am surprised that he still trusted you after the "No I will not get dressed and leave ordeal", the poisoning with Flagyl ordeal and the Teresa scandal. I mean, a man with so many secrets to hide who sees how you react to those secrets and lies, should surely not expect you to graciously accept even more. WTF? I don't blame you for your reactions. And I finally understand more about your addiction to him.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, and could not understand people's self-destruction, though I have done many self-destructive thingsthought my younger years. However, yesterday, I realized that I have a food addiction. I've always been fond of food and stayed on the chunky side, but when I have healthy options available I don't overeat or binge. I am not tempted in grocery stores by potato chips or candy, but if I buy them, I will eat them. In fact, I compulsively eat, sometimes until I hurt myself. Ordering a box of bran flakes and trail mix each week to keep me regular is par for me. However, if I ordered a box of oatmeal cream pies, I eat all 10 of them within 24 hours. Yesterday, my momordered me an iCARE package full of breakfast food which included 13 pastries--all 400-700 calories each. Within 36 hours, I'd eaten 9 of them. I had an upset stomach and I still ate. My belly was oso full it hurt and I still ate. I told myself NO NO NO NO and I still nreachede over and unwrapped another one. It was insane. And I got your letter and I understood. I thought back to many instances where I 'd done this before, and I understood. THen I heard a medical show on NPR about food addictions. and it coinfirmed my toughts
I have been lucky in that i have good self control when buying foods, but once I get them, I am weak. It is not solely junk food. It is cottage cheese, any kind of cheese, macaroni and cheese, lasgna, spaghetti, pastries, caramel, tacos, gyros, pizza. Basically FAT. But it is not constant and can fluctuate with my moods, hormones and stressors. Once, when I was a teenager, I ate 8 pieces of toast saturated with butter for breakfast. One a Fri. night home alone, I orderdd a large pizza and ATE IT ALL, even after my stomach hurt. Those are the times when I would make myself puke and end up with chunks in my sinuses. I never considered myself bulimic, really, maybe because I was never any good at it. I don't know if I was in denial or what. Last year I ate a whole package of fig b ars, over a pound of them, and had to make myself throw up because it hurt so bad. I had always been proud of my status of being a non-addict because it gave me a sense that I was in control of my life. I saw my love of food as a comfort mechanism, not an addiction, but now I see it for what it is. WOW. It's not a big problem, mostly because I hve good self-control when it comes to buying stuff, and general self-control otherwise, but at least I now understand the addiction of other people.
Thanks for your thoughts on the TV shows and PR tips. I got a transcript from the showon Courtenay Savage that I Almost Got Away With It did. It does seem like they are reasonably objective considering the content. And they didn't poke fun of the subject.
I look forward to your blog entry about whatever happened at the Denise Richards event. with you, there's always something that happens. You are a magnet for weirdoes.
I wish that your latest tragedy with Amir wasn't so painful for you; I only hope it was the last one and served to sever your connection enough not to grow back. You really deserve more respect and security.
You asked if I would consider marrying my wife if I were out. Well, I couldn't, even in NY because she's already married legally. We are both relatively hedonistic creatures, allowin open relationships. I supect that if I ever legally get married, it will be for the benefits of insurance, taxes and estate planning. Then again, tomorrow is another day filled with adventure and lessons to be learned. I would happily live in a lesbian relationship. I think that the commitment of marriage could one day happen for me, and if it does, my partner's gender wouldn't matter to me. Men are easier to be in a relationship with because they have simple needs. Women are more emotional and complex but add depth and dimension to the relationship. I believe I have been in love 3 times in my life. 2 men, 1 woman. However, out of my past relationships, I could only see long-term commitment with 2 women, 1 man. I don't have to be in love to have a structured relationship.
The theatrical performance review by the prisoners of their life stories was cool. I heard a story by Ira Glass on This American Life on NPR about a group of male prisoners performing Shakespeare's Hamlet. I've already read a couple of articles about using performing arts to help prisoners learn new skills, learn about themselves, learn to analyze and examine characters and to build self-confidence and teamwork.
I finally got Miller's book and had a stak of 60 post-its to mark indiscrepancies. I ran out. There are so many things wrong with that book that I went back and read it again and used a color-coded crayon system to higlight the bullshit. Yellow for INACCURATE, Orange for HALF-TRUTH, green for MADE UP, and blue for WTF? It's pretty colorful.
Some of what he got wrong are really simple facts that he had complete access to, but either didn't get double-checked or he was too lazy to look. For example, he had the info about Jamie's involvement, the reports, her booking info, yet he got the color of the car wrong, the color of her eyes wrong, sequencing of events wrong and locations of cars, people and houses wrong. Then he had access to my pre-sentence report and yet consistently gets the town where I was born and where my parents met wrong.
[Ed.: She goes on to list specific examples of inaccuracies throughout the book for one whole chapter and that took up three pages so I will not retype all that.]
So, that's only ONE chapter's "discrepancies".
Imagine what the rest of the book is like. Very colorful. What's ironic is that the VERY finst line of the Author's NOote is "The research for this book was completed with the utmost attention to the truth." LIAR!
So, that's that.
I got another article published in Tenacious and the cover has a sketch of mine on it. Only a small zine publication, but it is one more good thing. I'm going to pop this in the mail. Hope you are feeling better.
Sarah
***
Dear Kelly,
Hi! Got your card tonight. I saw Mom this morning and she was going to pick up the post office hands on her way home so by the time that you get this it should be posted. I send her several letters that get lost in her tings to do pile so if your last name is up there from earlier, still, please shoot her an email at XX@yahoo.com She has had to remove or change things before; she understands. I will also send another reminder though.
You never told me the fallout with Amir's return! I am totally anxious to hear what happened. On a good note, at least you have Reidtard to mope around with for a bit.
The surgeon found me on MySpace a year and a half ago and immediately saw that I have been railroaded for the murders and wanted to show his moral support.
That reminds me about the book reviews. A real simple way that you could help me is to write a review just as you told me how you felt about Miller's book---that you didn't walk away feeling bad about me at all, that even though they try to label me "the mastermind" it is abundantly clear that I wasn't since after they talk up how smart I am, why would I go buy a guy in my name to commit a crime in my house? That and whatever else you felt about the story, me or author. You odn't have to use any info I've given you or dispute the content. I honestly just want your common sense reaction to the book. The reason is that there's a lot of hype and propaganda out there and sometimes it takes a few people to simply say, "Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense." This became abundantly clear to me when I picked up the July 15, 2011 Rolling Stone where there's an article about Amanda Knox, and how she's railroaded into the murder conviction w/ her boyfriend. The quote read, "People talk about Amanda bieng a mastermind. If she is, she's an idiotic one. She basically skipped into the police station."
I realized how important it is for prosecutors to label us women "masterminds" and "sociopaths" and "seductresses" to convict. And the evidence simply does not support their theories. They start with a conclusion and then shape the arguments and "facts" to fit it. Wherever you mention your review whether in your regular blog or if it has an RSS feed, or as a comment on Miller's site, I would appreciate a bit of common sense out there, even if it is just a small paragraph. We are buildng a Fair Justice for Sarah site now. It will probably take a couple of months, but is in the works. We are scheduling the documentary interview for the end of August/beg. of Sept. One step at a time.
Oh, and I just got out the notes you sent me from your writing workshop and wrote a query letter over the weekend to a small radical-leaning press that works directly with the author as recommended by an acquaintance author who is published by them. If they are interested, I'll send them my book proposal. Thank you for encouraging me, Kelly.
I was tempted to send all the corrections to Miller, but instead, I am more tempted to sue him. To be continued...
I was flipping through the AARP magazine looking for some images to use in my mail art, and found this on six-word memoirs. They havethem for teens, seniors, everyone. I know that you won a contest with yours, but I didn't know they were so popular.
I am sending you the ones that the magazine liked best.
Here are mine for the month:
Honeybuns eat depression; relocate to thighs
Justice fucked me; prison guards, too.
Miller's parody of me isn't funny.
I wish I had a honeybun.
I saw an ad for light bladder leakage liners and thought about how many times i have peed on myself when a story or joke was really funny or when I get tickled. I figure by the time I'm 40 or 50, I will wear them too. I know that your bladder issues have more to do with interstitiial cystitis, but would medicine like this help you?
While you are being a semi-hermit and depressed, why don't you create some art/craft/skill? Use the time to your benefit. Even if you learn to whittle wood. You could whittle a little flute like the god Pan, strap on some goat hooves and horns, and go dance around the subway to attract your next boyfriend. That would be fun.
I'm off to start a revolution.
Power to the people!
Pender for president.
Sarah
Monday, August 8, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #69
Kelly,
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
Got your letter. I had hoped you would have a better reaction to such a nice place. I guess that it is befitting since your reading material was garbage.
That guy pulled info. out of a stolen letter and then regurgitated them as if he really knew the intimate details of my life. He took everything out of context. The guy is a weasel.
[Ed.: She is talking about Steve Miller, the author of the book about her.]
I was never bulimic. I have no idea where that "fact" came from. I have been overweight since I was 7 yrs old. I was a size 12/14 my junior year of high school because I ate salads, yogurt and walked a treadmill twice a day. The least I weighed in Rockville was 151lbs, and that was on a tuna and instant breakfast diet where I ran two miles three times a week and did aerobics and fitness class three times a week. When I was a teenager I tried throwing up to lose weight but it was a horrible experience and I never did that again. All I ever got was puke stuck in my sinuses.
My mom ought me an iCARE package of chocolate for my bday and my sister bought me a different one. I got money from my dad. This sis my third bday alone. It gets less and less exciting when I'm locked in a room all alone.
I haven't read the book but I am surprised that he supposedly knew who my first kiss was. IN fact I am pretty sure that he either made it up or was wrong because my first french kiss was with my first stepfather. I was nine. He was like 40.
I love math because there are concrete answers. There's no critic there to rip apart your form or flow or style or spelling or vocab. 2+2=4 4!=24 always and forever. I only started caring about writing when I had nothing else to do except sit in a jail cell and write letters. I only started writing literature when I became inspired by the Spirit. In my entire 17 years of education, I probably read a dozen books for school. Before I graduated high school, I probably only read 6 books on my own. I only took up reading for pleasure in the last decade.
You asked about my tattoos. I got my butterfly when I was 19 when I was with David. Butterflies are beauty, transformation, and freedom. It sure takes a whole new meaning seeing how my life turned out. The second one I got the month before I was arrested in 2000 when I was with Rick. I got a rainbow bullseye on my right butt cheek because Rick has a small obsession with smacking my butt. No matter if we were at m y parents' house, in a store or at home he didn't have impulse control.
Margaritas are the best! I don't like them frozen. They give me brainfreeze. On the rocks, light salt with a sidecar shot. Three drinks are my limit. I don't like getting drunk. I got drunk by mistake only when I got out. I quit drinking to get drunk after I was raped and mugged while drunk. I just embarrass myself otherwise., the the time I threw up all over, behind and next to the toilet at this guy I was dating's place. I puked on myself, just everywhere. I kept saying no when he'd pour me more alcohol and he kept pushing me, "Just one more." That what he got for not taking no for an answer.
I haven't talked to Tom since Dec. 19 2008. I know he didn't go to jail, at least, I can speculate. But I only have circumstantial evidence so I shouldn't make accusations without factual basis. I do still have the ring he bought me. He was a generous man, and I often declined his offer for gifts or chose modestly when I could have luxury. I never asked for more than I needed, but I've always been that way. I don't' think Tom was in love with me. I think the love we had for one another was rooted in being able to meet each other's needs. He was my security blanket and I loved him for that. I was his young trophy and pet, and he loved me for that. I worried about him, that's why I lied to the police when I was arrested and said that Tom did know know who I was, that I liked to him when we met. it was Tom who admitted that I had been honest with him from Day One.
The letters I wrote were never used against me in that I never wrong anything incriminating myself, although some of them incriminated Rick. Basically the prosecution used the fact that I wrote the letters as "proof" that I had intimate contact with Rick and Floyd. Then Rick had a letter forged in my print, which they used against me, and Floyd claimed that I confessed to him and they use the letter to "prove" we had a conversation, but he made it all up from the info. his cousin gleaned from Rick. And when Floyd testified at my trial He EXONERATED me, saying that I had confessed to him that Rick shot Drew and Trish during an argument. He said that when I bought the gun, there was no plan to kill them; it's just that the argument escalated and Rick shot them. The prosecutor asked again if I had planned the murders and Floyd said no, there was no plan to outright kill them, it just got to that point during an argument. The prosecutor stopped Floyd, handed him a sheet of paper and told him to quietly read it and then said, "Yes or no, did Sarah plan the murders?" Floyd said, "Yes."
Maybe the letters were my "undoing" but only because they were manipulated to "prove" something that was no true. In fact, if they actually READ the letters objectively, they'd see that my words contradict their theories. That's why they were kept bundled up in an evidence room, because they would show the jury that I was not the person they made me out to be.
I understood your issue about privacy. Your letters are disposed of.
That David Sedaris essay was hilarious!
Lonely Planet. Easy Tiger.
I like the boulders on the pillows. It makes them look cuddly.
"It's horrible out there; people are crying."
Isn't nature fascinating? The little frog was sunbathing with you. Hanging with KK in the pool. I bet you are not a big camper, huh? When I was little, 7 or 8, my dad sent us to camp where we lived in a little wooden cabin with insects here and there, had campfires at night, hiked and canoed in the day. There were these tiny frogs everywhere and we caught a dozen of them and put them in a suitcase and under the sheets of this really prissy girl no one liked. It wasn't my idea, but I helped catch the little guys. I was worried they'd suffocate under there.
I want you to have a clairvoyant dream about me. I need some good news in my life. Two days ago I broke down crying to my father asking "Why am I even here? What purpose does all of this injustice and suffering serve? What did I do to get THIS life?" I was fantasizing about euthanasia. I'm not that lucky. The doctors says I'm very healthy.
Good news: Out of the 50 plants I cooked to death on accident, three of them have grown 3" tall, two are 1" tall and five have sprouted a radicle. So I am lucky to have 20% of my seedlings survive. I built all of my other 5 flowers little tents to keep them shaded for the last two days because the heat index was 106. The tents are made from a mixture of paper towels, plant pots, rocks, fabric, cardboard, and empty milk cartons. I love my little guys.
In other news it looks like the documentary will be filming within the next month. I am praying Rick will go no national TV and tell the truth. He's done it once before to AMW, who didn't air it, and once to a court judge and twice to my family and friends. It takes a big person to admit that you set someone up for murder. I don't understand people. I just don't.
Hope to hear from you soon.
--Sarah
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #68
Kelly,
It's just past 10pm and I am so tired. Been up since 6:30am and been going, going, going. I got a lot done today and one of those things was to conjure up some good ideas. First, I've been pulling out sections of transcripts and documents that will soon get posted on teh web that totally make my case of injustic and prove that Sells is a charlatan, Miller is a liar, and Harmon is a criminal. Also, ti really vindicates me, which I like. While I was going through it, I thought about what other benefits can be had f rom this?
Two things popped up. One, was to get back to writing my memoir and when I did I read my own words with surprise and certain awe. When I am inspired, I write beautifully, and sometimes I can be really funny. I guess it had been so long that I forgot. Maybe if I get back to writing, you'll think more seriously about working on yours. Then, I thought about how you like to read and wondered if you had considered writing book reviews? I did not realize how many people publish book reviews and how important those are to book sales. Then I thought about how I could benefit from your literary and writing interests.
First, I'd like you to write a review on Amazon if that's where you bought the book from. You'd write a good enough one for them to publish and I really look forward to your take on the misogynistic author's portrayal of the people and events. I already know that you won't be duped by the mechanisms used to further their agenda, like framing, lying by omission, wordplay and conjecture. From what I am told, he makes anyone who supports or likes me look like idiots. I promise you, some people I know may not take home a Nobel, but I'd rather have them for friends than those weaselly chumps who have exploited us all. If he was framed for murder, his friends might help pay for a good lawyer, but when that failed you can bet they wouldn't risk themselves to help him escape.
Anyway, regardless of what you think, whether positive or negative I would like someone who I trust to be rather informed and objective to review and point out their self-advertising crap.
Then, I thought about those interviews you write up on real estate. Do you want to do one with me? I, of course, have my own agenda, to get factual information out there in an unbiased avenue, and was wondering if there was anything you wanted to promote about yourself, because if you posted the interview on your blog, I'd link it to my Wikipedia page that has gotten almos 1200 hits in the last 30 days. It's not longor complcated, so the link would stand ou tand be a good continuation of the facts already laid out. It would help me, and anyone who would visit your blog would read some of your other entries and several would become followers. Simply put, you are interesting and write good shit.
Let me know what you think. Oh and when I finally finish my memoir, I'd send you an advance copy and ask you to write a review, and I'll quote part of it on the inside cover page. So far, I have you and three other people who are authors who I'd ask to review mine...funny, I haven't even finished it yet but I am thinking ahead. But right now, I need to be actively combating this negative portrayal of me and get more positive press. I've been doing lots of art projects, so I guess some of those are starting to pop up when going Google searches.
Have you looked at the Hands website lately?
www.holdinghandsforsocialjustice.blogspot.com I forgot to ask Mom how many hands we have so far. Check it out when you get a chance. And don't forget to do a hand! Or else your outline will be all alone and puny.
I'm about to fall over. Can't wait to hear about the Hamptons.
***
I was going through more of m y memoir notes just now. A couple of people told me that there's lot of deatils about my sex life in that book. I don't know, most of it is probably true though from the excepts that I have read, Miller changes the entire context of a relationship with adjectives and adverbs. I know from some of the articles, they describe Tom as a sex-addict, but that's not true. Sex addiction is real but it is rare. True sex addicts must have it just to get thru the day, just like heroin, and they no longer enjoy sex. If a person really, really likes sex they are not a sex addict. However, Tom was an aficionado of women. Really, it was m ore like an obsession with women that stemmed from a psychological relationship with his mother.
I'll write here some of my first draft material regarding Tom and me, so that you can get a good idea about one facet of our relationship. Basically, I was his mistress and we had an agreement not quite as strict as a business contract, but it was a relationship where my freedom of choice was an illusion. I did what I had to do or else Tom might get bored and walk away or worse, turn me in. Telling him no was something I could not do often, only in severe cases and even then I had to manuever those carefully.
I believe Tom's obsession with sex had more to do with hatred of women rather than a love for them. Where he was ever-inferior to his mother, he could claim his superiority to women. By the age of 53 he could claim he had slept with hundreds. I don't doubt his estimates. Either thru business or durin ghis excursions with like-minded male chauvenist friends he'd meet women he could quickly woo into a hotel bed without having a forwarding address. Others he simply paid.
I have caught glimpes of Tom in wooing action, watching him use his wit and charm and bedroom eyes to treat women like cattle. He'd go dick-swinging into a strip club, size up the flesh he wanted and then find her price tag. I hae seen that fixed stare once he looked into his prey, salivating himself into dehydration before going in for the kill.
Comparatively I was a bargain. But beingwith me was not enough for Tom. He always wanted something more, newer, better. Sometimes pornography sated his desires, so we invested in a handful of films. I think they fed his tally of dominating women even if on-screen. While he, of course, picked Big Boobed Blondes and Super Cum Shots, I chose gay porn. Girl on girl. Guy on guy.
I stacked the DVD cases on top. "Tom, we get a fifth one free. What kind do you want?"
"Fisting."
My eyes tear away from the elephant-sized black cock and settled on Tom. "Do not, for even one second, think that's going to happen."
His middle finger stood up.
I smiled.
He put up two fingers and raised his brows.
"Exactly," I said.
He added a third.
"Maybe."
And a fourth.
My eyes rolled away from him and back to the big butts. I snapped up a plastic case and Tom asked, "Is that what your prison bitch looked like??
I pointed to another photo and said, "No, more like her."
He scoffed. "You are such a fucking dyke."
"Yeah. So that means you are lucky that I suck on your geriatric nutsack."
***
Side by side we laid on a sagging bed in another non-descript motel room, watching John Walsh's dramatic re-enactment of my so-called crime and escape. Fragmented "facts" painted a Picassoesque picture of blurry lines and illogical placements. I kept quiet except for an occassional "Oh, please!" as they showed US Marshalls doggedly chasing after me. Yet remaining one step behind me as I changed my hair color and style to elude them, slipping out of a safehouse at 3am as they banged down the front door with a search warrant, leaving a trace of my perfurm to taunt them with their inadequacy.
I used to get worked oup about the court and media's constant manipulation of "facts" and generation of "evidence", but at some point I had to stop allowing their stories to dictate my emotions. They aren't real. Just because you say that the sky is green does not make it so, and at what point do I stop defending its blueness and let the absurdity go?
Tom clicked the remote and the TV went black. "Well, what do you think?"
I exhaled sharply. "Well..." I bit m y lower lip in concentration. "I think they could have hired a much prettier girl to play me."
"Come on Ashley, be serious."
"About what, Tom? It's obvious that these peole dont' have a clue. They are chasing a ghost. It's only fegitting because the Sarah Pender they are after is a storybook version of who I am!"
He loudly shushed m e and truned his eyes towards the wall behind us. "Don't talk so loud."
After the AMW episode Tom felt that I needed to yet again cut my hair (it was already well above my shoulders) and dye it blonde.
"It's the only color they didn't morph you into." HIs hand hovered just above his bald spot. "And super short, like a dyke."
I didn't understand why he called me a dyke to insult me and then systematically asked me to become one. Gain weight. Short hair. Layered, non-revealing clothes. I wasn't sure if his goal was to make me unattractive to other men or to have me play out the role for his own egotisitical purposes. What greater conquest than to dominate a dyke?
Of course the next day I granted his wish.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I wanted to share some of our interactions and some of my first draft writing taken from about five little blurbs I had writtten when randomly inspired. Of course, there are loving interactions between us, intellectually stimulating conversation and so on. But I wanted to know, after you read the book, what do you think about the writing style and characterization of Tom in mine versus the book and just in general what you think about my writing. Remember this is first draft stuff. I know it is not a long excerpt but I get tried of writing hours with a dull pencil.
Most of the material i have written goes into depth about what has shaped me into who I am, reveals motivations behind different characters' actions and has vivid dialogue, botgh serious and fun. I try not to be sexusally explicit but because our relationship was rooted in sex, I have to breach the subject. I could write a book called, "Sexploited," but prefer not t use sex to sell my story of injustice.
I'll close here. Write soon.
--Sarah
It's just past 10pm and I am so tired. Been up since 6:30am and been going, going, going. I got a lot done today and one of those things was to conjure up some good ideas. First, I've been pulling out sections of transcripts and documents that will soon get posted on teh web that totally make my case of injustic and prove that Sells is a charlatan, Miller is a liar, and Harmon is a criminal. Also, ti really vindicates me, which I like. While I was going through it, I thought about what other benefits can be had f rom this?
Two things popped up. One, was to get back to writing my memoir and when I did I read my own words with surprise and certain awe. When I am inspired, I write beautifully, and sometimes I can be really funny. I guess it had been so long that I forgot. Maybe if I get back to writing, you'll think more seriously about working on yours. Then, I thought about how you like to read and wondered if you had considered writing book reviews? I did not realize how many people publish book reviews and how important those are to book sales. Then I thought about how I could benefit from your literary and writing interests.
First, I'd like you to write a review on Amazon if that's where you bought the book from. You'd write a good enough one for them to publish and I really look forward to your take on the misogynistic author's portrayal of the people and events. I already know that you won't be duped by the mechanisms used to further their agenda, like framing, lying by omission, wordplay and conjecture. From what I am told, he makes anyone who supports or likes me look like idiots. I promise you, some people I know may not take home a Nobel, but I'd rather have them for friends than those weaselly chumps who have exploited us all. If he was framed for murder, his friends might help pay for a good lawyer, but when that failed you can bet they wouldn't risk themselves to help him escape.
Anyway, regardless of what you think, whether positive or negative I would like someone who I trust to be rather informed and objective to review and point out their self-advertising crap.
Then, I thought about those interviews you write up on real estate. Do you want to do one with me? I, of course, have my own agenda, to get factual information out there in an unbiased avenue, and was wondering if there was anything you wanted to promote about yourself, because if you posted the interview on your blog, I'd link it to my Wikipedia page that has gotten almos 1200 hits in the last 30 days. It's not longor complcated, so the link would stand ou tand be a good continuation of the facts already laid out. It would help me, and anyone who would visit your blog would read some of your other entries and several would become followers. Simply put, you are interesting and write good shit.
Let me know what you think. Oh and when I finally finish my memoir, I'd send you an advance copy and ask you to write a review, and I'll quote part of it on the inside cover page. So far, I have you and three other people who are authors who I'd ask to review mine...funny, I haven't even finished it yet but I am thinking ahead. But right now, I need to be actively combating this negative portrayal of me and get more positive press. I've been doing lots of art projects, so I guess some of those are starting to pop up when going Google searches.
Have you looked at the Hands website lately?
www.holdinghandsforsocialjustice.blogspot.com I forgot to ask Mom how many hands we have so far. Check it out when you get a chance. And don't forget to do a hand! Or else your outline will be all alone and puny.
I'm about to fall over. Can't wait to hear about the Hamptons.
***
I was going through more of m y memoir notes just now. A couple of people told me that there's lot of deatils about my sex life in that book. I don't know, most of it is probably true though from the excepts that I have read, Miller changes the entire context of a relationship with adjectives and adverbs. I know from some of the articles, they describe Tom as a sex-addict, but that's not true. Sex addiction is real but it is rare. True sex addicts must have it just to get thru the day, just like heroin, and they no longer enjoy sex. If a person really, really likes sex they are not a sex addict. However, Tom was an aficionado of women. Really, it was m ore like an obsession with women that stemmed from a psychological relationship with his mother.
I'll write here some of my first draft material regarding Tom and me, so that you can get a good idea about one facet of our relationship. Basically, I was his mistress and we had an agreement not quite as strict as a business contract, but it was a relationship where my freedom of choice was an illusion. I did what I had to do or else Tom might get bored and walk away or worse, turn me in. Telling him no was something I could not do often, only in severe cases and even then I had to manuever those carefully.
I believe Tom's obsession with sex had more to do with hatred of women rather than a love for them. Where he was ever-inferior to his mother, he could claim his superiority to women. By the age of 53 he could claim he had slept with hundreds. I don't doubt his estimates. Either thru business or durin ghis excursions with like-minded male chauvenist friends he'd meet women he could quickly woo into a hotel bed without having a forwarding address. Others he simply paid.
I have caught glimpes of Tom in wooing action, watching him use his wit and charm and bedroom eyes to treat women like cattle. He'd go dick-swinging into a strip club, size up the flesh he wanted and then find her price tag. I hae seen that fixed stare once he looked into his prey, salivating himself into dehydration before going in for the kill.
Comparatively I was a bargain. But beingwith me was not enough for Tom. He always wanted something more, newer, better. Sometimes pornography sated his desires, so we invested in a handful of films. I think they fed his tally of dominating women even if on-screen. While he, of course, picked Big Boobed Blondes and Super Cum Shots, I chose gay porn. Girl on girl. Guy on guy.
I stacked the DVD cases on top. "Tom, we get a fifth one free. What kind do you want?"
"Fisting."
My eyes tear away from the elephant-sized black cock and settled on Tom. "Do not, for even one second, think that's going to happen."
His middle finger stood up.
I smiled.
He put up two fingers and raised his brows.
"Exactly," I said.
He added a third.
"Maybe."
And a fourth.
My eyes rolled away from him and back to the big butts. I snapped up a plastic case and Tom asked, "Is that what your prison bitch looked like??
I pointed to another photo and said, "No, more like her."
He scoffed. "You are such a fucking dyke."
"Yeah. So that means you are lucky that I suck on your geriatric nutsack."
***
Side by side we laid on a sagging bed in another non-descript motel room, watching John Walsh's dramatic re-enactment of my so-called crime and escape. Fragmented "facts" painted a Picassoesque picture of blurry lines and illogical placements. I kept quiet except for an occassional "Oh, please!" as they showed US Marshalls doggedly chasing after me. Yet remaining one step behind me as I changed my hair color and style to elude them, slipping out of a safehouse at 3am as they banged down the front door with a search warrant, leaving a trace of my perfurm to taunt them with their inadequacy.
I used to get worked oup about the court and media's constant manipulation of "facts" and generation of "evidence", but at some point I had to stop allowing their stories to dictate my emotions. They aren't real. Just because you say that the sky is green does not make it so, and at what point do I stop defending its blueness and let the absurdity go?
Tom clicked the remote and the TV went black. "Well, what do you think?"
I exhaled sharply. "Well..." I bit m y lower lip in concentration. "I think they could have hired a much prettier girl to play me."
"Come on Ashley, be serious."
"About what, Tom? It's obvious that these peole dont' have a clue. They are chasing a ghost. It's only fegitting because the Sarah Pender they are after is a storybook version of who I am!"
He loudly shushed m e and truned his eyes towards the wall behind us. "Don't talk so loud."
After the AMW episode Tom felt that I needed to yet again cut my hair (it was already well above my shoulders) and dye it blonde.
"It's the only color they didn't morph you into." HIs hand hovered just above his bald spot. "And super short, like a dyke."
I didn't understand why he called me a dyke to insult me and then systematically asked me to become one. Gain weight. Short hair. Layered, non-revealing clothes. I wasn't sure if his goal was to make me unattractive to other men or to have me play out the role for his own egotisitical purposes. What greater conquest than to dominate a dyke?
Of course the next day I granted his wish.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I wanted to share some of our interactions and some of my first draft writing taken from about five little blurbs I had writtten when randomly inspired. Of course, there are loving interactions between us, intellectually stimulating conversation and so on. But I wanted to know, after you read the book, what do you think about the writing style and characterization of Tom in mine versus the book and just in general what you think about my writing. Remember this is first draft stuff. I know it is not a long excerpt but I get tried of writing hours with a dull pencil.
Most of the material i have written goes into depth about what has shaped me into who I am, reveals motivations behind different characters' actions and has vivid dialogue, botgh serious and fun. I try not to be sexusally explicit but because our relationship was rooted in sex, I have to breach the subject. I could write a book called, "Sexploited," but prefer not t use sex to sell my story of injustice.
I'll close here. Write soon.
--Sarah
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Letters from the Inside, Sarah Pender, #67
Dear Kelly,
Just got your letter and I've got to say that I dig the shiny paper. Never seen anything like it in the 10+ years I've been writing ridiculous amounts of letters.
I hope Amir does return safely, whenever that may be and that you have passed your withdrawal symptons, met some fun fling in the Hamptons, and return home with a renewed energy and inspiration. Since you have a ton of work ahead with your clients, you will need it.
The book I have not read, but enough of the people who are close to me and who were either involved or who have known me forever all are pissed beyond pissitivity about all of the misinformation put in it. There are errors, unchecked facts half truths and outright bullshit. You have to remember that this book was written by a Republican journalist, a crooked police officer, and a dirty prosecutor. Of course I'm the bad guy, all my friends or lovers were idiots, and the law enforcement and prosecutors are heroes.
Hey they wrote the story so they have the righ tto be the heroes of the day. However, they don't have the right to lie about me and other people. You are a smart woman, Kelly, so you understand syntax. So you know that by changing the placement of a single word in a sentence you can change its whole meaning. Even dolphins understand syntax.
Bring the surfer to the board. (Dolphin nudges person towards board.)
Bring the board to the surfer. (Dolphin pushes board over to person.)
Sometimes all you need to do is place a sentence within a different context to change the meaning, which is wha ta lot of media do---it's called "framing". And then, sometimes just a change in tone, emphasis, or pauses, can change meaning.
I want you to come here. (Points to floor in front of her.)
I want you to come here. (Points to her tongue.)
Big difference, huh?
Well, all I've heard so far is stuff like this. Some of it is little stuff like people's eye color or the color of a car. Some of it is big stuff, like leaving out important information or attributing one sentence to the wrong speaker which accuses people of misdeeds. Other times, it is saying something that is a conjecture, or that could be true and presents it as if it did happen, when it didn't.
Do you know what a factoid is?
Factoid: noun. unverified or inaccurate information that is presented in the press as factual, often as part of a publicity effort and that is then accepted as true because of constant repetition.
AND
faction: noun - a literary work or film that is a mix of fact and fiction.
That's exactly what this book is--- faction.
You know how peole tell you not to believe everything you read? There's really good reason for that. You can bet someone will be suing for either libel or defamation. I'll give specific examples once I have read it.
To your questions:
Yes, I am 5'8". I never really feel like I am especially tall because I am used to looking most men in the eye. It doesn't occur to me that i'm tall. I think most women are just short.
You asked where Steve (the author) gets his references. Well, he doesn't reveal his sources and people who don't reveal their sources are usually protecting someone whom has bent the rules to reveal these "facts".
The assertion that I enlisted Rick to help kill Drew and Trish is an allegation made up by the prosecution because it needed a story to frame the facts so that I looked guilty. Then, since they have noevidence that this occurred (at the time, the only evidence they had was that Rick admitted to arguing with Drew and that Drew threatened him and then there was a struggle over the gun.) They had to "find" some. The only person who testified to this scenario was Floyd, except the part that Steve leaves out is where Floyd gets up on teh stand and actually EXONERATES me. Floyd says that I do not plan to kill them, that Rick did it when an argument escalated between him and Drew and that when I bought the gun, I had never intended for things to go so far. The prosecutor, Larry Sells, cuts Floyd off, takes a piece of paper, highlights a section, hands it to Floyd on the stand, tells him to read it quietly to himself and then asks him, "Just say yes or no. Did Sarah plan the murders?" This is all in the transcripts. Floyd says "Yes."
END OF STORY.
That's when Larry Sells leads Floyd into the story of how I'm a manipulator. However, no one can find any examples of this.
Oh. I take that back.
After I told Rick that I did not want to be with him anymore, that 's when he sought the services of a fellow detainee, Steven Logan, to forge a letter in my print saying that I killed them in a drug-fueled rage. When Rick gave this letter to the prosecutor, he also gave a deposition which basically put me in his place and he played my role. Where he supposedly comes back to the house and find that I've killed them. During this deposition, Sells is desperate to get any piece of evidence that i am a manipulator. He asks Rick if I am--and he says oh yes. She's controlling and manipulative. when he asks for examples, he can only say that I'm a control nut but would completely avoid answeringthe question, when then in alll his other answers gives examples of how kind I am and how I stayed clear-headed and was real laid back, working and busy all the time, never argued, blah, blah, blah. The prosecutor keeps asking. He asks Rick if I'd ever made commens like that I wished Drew was dead or anything and Rick says no. Sells ask again, "You mean Sarah never complained or made any negative comments about them?" And here's the kicker, Kelly, the absolute worst thing that Rick said about me in his statement where he has set me up and is accusing me of the murders is that i did not want him selling drugs anymore. That i worked enough so he could quit and that we dind't need this shit and that I did not want him leaving out of town for a few weeks to do God knows what. That's my evil dark side, wanting Rick to stop selling drugs. Again at the end of the statement, Sells asks him: Sarah was absolutely a manipulative person when it came to you and if you weren't doing what Drew told you you were doing what Sarah told you?
Rick says, "Really, I mean, yeah, but I would never do it to the full extent."
Sells: "Right, and she wanted you to get a real job."
Rick: "Yeah, she wanted me to get a job."
Sells "And she was supportive in what you were doing, essentially."
Rick: Yeah
Sells: Tha'ts all I have.
End of deposition.
How awful I must be to want my boyfriend to quit dealing drugs and get a real job. Call me The Wicked Witch of the South.
In fact, other than my evil employment wishes, no on can find a shred of evidence that this manipulating, controlling, evil person.Sarah even exists. That's the whole point---It's all a story. It's made up.
Next question: I did not seduce a wealthy guy into giving me a cushy lifestyle. I met Tom through an acquaintance when she asked me to be the third in a threesome. I agreed, but refused to have sex with the guy. When we were all done, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the afternoon. I told him the truth--that my name is Sarah Pender, I just escaped from prison where i had been for 8 years for being wrongfully convicted of murder. That' Rick had come forward and told the truth, that he had killed them and I had nothing to do with it, bu tthe system failed me, so I escaped because I deserved justice. Now plans got screwed up and I don't have a clue what to do or where to go next. He said, well, I have to go home to my wife, so you can stay here tonight. He brought me back dinner and after a couple of days we made a deal. I didn't seduce him. I don't even know that I could play that role enough to be serious. I'm a nerd. I just be myself and some people adore the shit out of me. I was told that I am easy to love. We did some nice things and he drove a new Cadillac, but you live a more "cushy" life than I ever did.
Tom paid for my expenses for the first six weeks, but I earned my keep. I worked for room and board in Cinci doing office work and then worked as a blueprint estimator in Chicago and paid my own bills. Tom still paid for us to go to dinner and would buy my groceries and stuff, but so do a million other lovers for their mistresses. Again, you can believe I earned every bit of it either through doing his accounting or by other means of trade.
Next: I do have a sister. Her name is Jeni, she lives in FL and she is Princess of the Universe. I love her eventhough we are nothing alike. I once had a stepsister, Meagan. She was difficult, but I have no ill will towards her.
Next: The pic at my 2008 graduation was for my BS in Business Administration and my AS I had earned in 2006 for Computer Aided Drafting. Thanks for the compliment. I normally don't look bad as I have on TV. I am now back to my normal self, much like that graduation picture. It feels good to look like me again.
Next: Ididn't read Floyd's message. (Since I don't yet have the book,) but I'm sure it's bizarre. Floyd is kind of strange. I heard that he's back in prison for rape. Not sure if that's true or not.
Next: When Miller came here, he was weird. Like he tried to force a bond with me and I was just trying to figure out his motive and focus. I quickly learned that he was a liar and in cahoots with the police an didn't cooperate with him. He was a weasel. And he looks hungry. Too thin. A hungry weasel.
I find it funny that you said that you had written the book. I have tried to convince you to write a book about yourself for the longest time because 1) you are a good writer and 2) you already wite about yourself and have for years, so why not benefit from it?
You say that you dont' know a lot about me but you do. The stuff you don't know is either because you haven't asked or I think it would nto be a topic that would interest you, or because your life is more exciting and dramatic. This drama they wrote about in the book is sensationalism. The real story, I think, is way more intriguing. Just be prepared: Miller is obsessed with the details of my sex life, though I don't know if he told them correctly.The point is that he turned this into a sex scandal tabloid story. It's garbage. Why are people interested in my sex life? Jesus!
Next: Would like to check out the Glamour contest. I sent $10 to Creative Nonfiction Magazine but they never sent me the issue. Do you have their website info or contact info? I sent my father the issue of Tenacious that published my story about my mom. He said that he cried and that I should write more.
So, I'm enclosing my LIVE entry and one related Die! I'll write one for my HANDS project either this letter or next. FUN.
I'm pooped. Hope all is well and you are happy and energized. Life is good, even when it sucks. It will always change.
Take care,
Sarah
Just got your letter and I've got to say that I dig the shiny paper. Never seen anything like it in the 10+ years I've been writing ridiculous amounts of letters.
I hope Amir does return safely, whenever that may be and that you have passed your withdrawal symptons, met some fun fling in the Hamptons, and return home with a renewed energy and inspiration. Since you have a ton of work ahead with your clients, you will need it.
The book I have not read, but enough of the people who are close to me and who were either involved or who have known me forever all are pissed beyond pissitivity about all of the misinformation put in it. There are errors, unchecked facts half truths and outright bullshit. You have to remember that this book was written by a Republican journalist, a crooked police officer, and a dirty prosecutor. Of course I'm the bad guy, all my friends or lovers were idiots, and the law enforcement and prosecutors are heroes.
Hey they wrote the story so they have the righ tto be the heroes of the day. However, they don't have the right to lie about me and other people. You are a smart woman, Kelly, so you understand syntax. So you know that by changing the placement of a single word in a sentence you can change its whole meaning. Even dolphins understand syntax.
Bring the surfer to the board. (Dolphin nudges person towards board.)
Bring the board to the surfer. (Dolphin pushes board over to person.)
Sometimes all you need to do is place a sentence within a different context to change the meaning, which is wha ta lot of media do---it's called "framing". And then, sometimes just a change in tone, emphasis, or pauses, can change meaning.
I want you to come here. (Points to floor in front of her.)
I want you to come here. (Points to her tongue.)
Big difference, huh?
Well, all I've heard so far is stuff like this. Some of it is little stuff like people's eye color or the color of a car. Some of it is big stuff, like leaving out important information or attributing one sentence to the wrong speaker which accuses people of misdeeds. Other times, it is saying something that is a conjecture, or that could be true and presents it as if it did happen, when it didn't.
Do you know what a factoid is?
Factoid: noun. unverified or inaccurate information that is presented in the press as factual, often as part of a publicity effort and that is then accepted as true because of constant repetition.
AND
faction: noun - a literary work or film that is a mix of fact and fiction.
That's exactly what this book is--- faction.
You know how peole tell you not to believe everything you read? There's really good reason for that. You can bet someone will be suing for either libel or defamation. I'll give specific examples once I have read it.
To your questions:
Yes, I am 5'8". I never really feel like I am especially tall because I am used to looking most men in the eye. It doesn't occur to me that i'm tall. I think most women are just short.
You asked where Steve (the author) gets his references. Well, he doesn't reveal his sources and people who don't reveal their sources are usually protecting someone whom has bent the rules to reveal these "facts".
The assertion that I enlisted Rick to help kill Drew and Trish is an allegation made up by the prosecution because it needed a story to frame the facts so that I looked guilty. Then, since they have noevidence that this occurred (at the time, the only evidence they had was that Rick admitted to arguing with Drew and that Drew threatened him and then there was a struggle over the gun.) They had to "find" some. The only person who testified to this scenario was Floyd, except the part that Steve leaves out is where Floyd gets up on teh stand and actually EXONERATES me. Floyd says that I do not plan to kill them, that Rick did it when an argument escalated between him and Drew and that when I bought the gun, I had never intended for things to go so far. The prosecutor, Larry Sells, cuts Floyd off, takes a piece of paper, highlights a section, hands it to Floyd on the stand, tells him to read it quietly to himself and then asks him, "Just say yes or no. Did Sarah plan the murders?" This is all in the transcripts. Floyd says "Yes."
END OF STORY.
That's when Larry Sells leads Floyd into the story of how I'm a manipulator. However, no one can find any examples of this.
Oh. I take that back.
After I told Rick that I did not want to be with him anymore, that 's when he sought the services of a fellow detainee, Steven Logan, to forge a letter in my print saying that I killed them in a drug-fueled rage. When Rick gave this letter to the prosecutor, he also gave a deposition which basically put me in his place and he played my role. Where he supposedly comes back to the house and find that I've killed them. During this deposition, Sells is desperate to get any piece of evidence that i am a manipulator. He asks Rick if I am--and he says oh yes. She's controlling and manipulative. when he asks for examples, he can only say that I'm a control nut but would completely avoid answeringthe question, when then in alll his other answers gives examples of how kind I am and how I stayed clear-headed and was real laid back, working and busy all the time, never argued, blah, blah, blah. The prosecutor keeps asking. He asks Rick if I'd ever made commens like that I wished Drew was dead or anything and Rick says no. Sells ask again, "You mean Sarah never complained or made any negative comments about them?" And here's the kicker, Kelly, the absolute worst thing that Rick said about me in his statement where he has set me up and is accusing me of the murders is that i did not want him selling drugs anymore. That i worked enough so he could quit and that we dind't need this shit and that I did not want him leaving out of town for a few weeks to do God knows what. That's my evil dark side, wanting Rick to stop selling drugs. Again at the end of the statement, Sells asks him: Sarah was absolutely a manipulative person when it came to you and if you weren't doing what Drew told you you were doing what Sarah told you?
Rick says, "Really, I mean, yeah, but I would never do it to the full extent."
Sells: "Right, and she wanted you to get a real job."
Rick: "Yeah, she wanted me to get a job."
Sells "And she was supportive in what you were doing, essentially."
Rick: Yeah
Sells: Tha'ts all I have.
End of deposition.
How awful I must be to want my boyfriend to quit dealing drugs and get a real job. Call me The Wicked Witch of the South.
In fact, other than my evil employment wishes, no on can find a shred of evidence that this manipulating, controlling, evil person.Sarah even exists. That's the whole point---It's all a story. It's made up.
Next question: I did not seduce a wealthy guy into giving me a cushy lifestyle. I met Tom through an acquaintance when she asked me to be the third in a threesome. I agreed, but refused to have sex with the guy. When we were all done, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the afternoon. I told him the truth--that my name is Sarah Pender, I just escaped from prison where i had been for 8 years for being wrongfully convicted of murder. That' Rick had come forward and told the truth, that he had killed them and I had nothing to do with it, bu tthe system failed me, so I escaped because I deserved justice. Now plans got screwed up and I don't have a clue what to do or where to go next. He said, well, I have to go home to my wife, so you can stay here tonight. He brought me back dinner and after a couple of days we made a deal. I didn't seduce him. I don't even know that I could play that role enough to be serious. I'm a nerd. I just be myself and some people adore the shit out of me. I was told that I am easy to love. We did some nice things and he drove a new Cadillac, but you live a more "cushy" life than I ever did.
Tom paid for my expenses for the first six weeks, but I earned my keep. I worked for room and board in Cinci doing office work and then worked as a blueprint estimator in Chicago and paid my own bills. Tom still paid for us to go to dinner and would buy my groceries and stuff, but so do a million other lovers for their mistresses. Again, you can believe I earned every bit of it either through doing his accounting or by other means of trade.
Next: I do have a sister. Her name is Jeni, she lives in FL and she is Princess of the Universe. I love her eventhough we are nothing alike. I once had a stepsister, Meagan. She was difficult, but I have no ill will towards her.
Next: The pic at my 2008 graduation was for my BS in Business Administration and my AS I had earned in 2006 for Computer Aided Drafting. Thanks for the compliment. I normally don't look bad as I have on TV. I am now back to my normal self, much like that graduation picture. It feels good to look like me again.
Next: Ididn't read Floyd's message. (Since I don't yet have the book,) but I'm sure it's bizarre. Floyd is kind of strange. I heard that he's back in prison for rape. Not sure if that's true or not.
Next: When Miller came here, he was weird. Like he tried to force a bond with me and I was just trying to figure out his motive and focus. I quickly learned that he was a liar and in cahoots with the police an didn't cooperate with him. He was a weasel. And he looks hungry. Too thin. A hungry weasel.
I find it funny that you said that you had written the book. I have tried to convince you to write a book about yourself for the longest time because 1) you are a good writer and 2) you already wite about yourself and have for years, so why not benefit from it?
You say that you dont' know a lot about me but you do. The stuff you don't know is either because you haven't asked or I think it would nto be a topic that would interest you, or because your life is more exciting and dramatic. This drama they wrote about in the book is sensationalism. The real story, I think, is way more intriguing. Just be prepared: Miller is obsessed with the details of my sex life, though I don't know if he told them correctly.The point is that he turned this into a sex scandal tabloid story. It's garbage. Why are people interested in my sex life? Jesus!
Next: Would like to check out the Glamour contest. I sent $10 to Creative Nonfiction Magazine but they never sent me the issue. Do you have their website info or contact info? I sent my father the issue of Tenacious that published my story about my mom. He said that he cried and that I should write more.
So, I'm enclosing my LIVE entry and one related Die! I'll write one for my HANDS project either this letter or next. FUN.
I'm pooped. Hope all is well and you are happy and energized. Life is good, even when it sucks. It will always change.
Take care,
Sarah
Pender submits another blog entry:
13th July 2011
LIVE [By Guestblogger: Sarah, IN]
[Note: Sarah is an inmate in Indianapolis Women’s Prison currently serving a life sentence for murder. I have been writing to her for over two years. After having escaped from prison eight years into her sentence, she was on the lam for nearly a year. She was profiled on America’s Most Wanted and caught. Since then she has been in solitary confinement for the last two and a half years. A book about Sarah’s life and escape came out this month called Girl, Wanted: The Chase for Sarah Pender.]
Pender’s Peace Garden
Living in solitary confinement gives mea renewed sense of appreciation for life. Two and a half years of good behavior has earned me the privilege of gardening the rocks. Fives days each week, I am handcuffed through a hole in the door, led from my cell to a plastic patio chair in which I must kneel to allow an officer to lock shackles around my ankles. Between the steel leg clamps hangs a heavy chain that grants me freedom in sixteen inch increments.
My garden is a sea of peagravel that pools around a concrete pad onto which are bolted several large chain-link fence cages that resemble dog runs. In fair weather we hostages are released from our cells into these cages, one woman per cage, for our one hour of “recreation” where we can sit and soak up sunshine, or “exercise”, which creepily resembles restless circus tigers or feral dogs pacing. The cages are flanked on three sides by brick walls with a razor wire topped fence at the end—a place so desolate, abandoned houses have more pizazz.
A forest of weeds grows up from the peddles, and I shuffle around caring for them as if they are my surrogate children, sculpting clover into miniature bushes, adopting tiny flowering outcasts, and deimating the intruding crabgrass. I became attached to a sticker plant that grew over 18 inches before a rainstorm tilted him like a corner bar drunk. As I tended to him, the girls teased me that I was raising weeds.
I chided them. “He is a plant. Stop calling him a weed. You are hurting his feelings.” I then assured all of my little guys that I would protect them from other bullies, validated their right to exist and be cared for, and showered them with watery love.
A bucket is the only garden tool I am permitted besides plastic bags and gloves for picking out unwanted intruders, so when the Superintendent approved for Minister Bruce to bring in a few potted plants, there was a discourse about how I would garden real plants without tools. I told them I didn’t need any tools.
“How will you garden without tools?”
“I will figure it out,” I confidently replied.
I sketched out a plan to place my five flowers (rudbeckia, shasta daisy, marigold, impatient and begonia) and then started digging. I snapped two cheap wooden pencils before I discovered an indestructible weapon for micro earth moving: a used Colgate toothbrush. An old coffee-stained tumbler became my itty-bitty backhoe, and together we made a hole appear. It is a slow process, but it is not like I’m pressed for time.
To even get down to the dirt requires a recipe of equal parts creativity, ingenuity, and brute force. First, I bulldozed the peagravel with a dustpan borrowed from the janitor’s closet. Underneath is a sheet of black fabric that, ironically is supposed to suppress weed growth, but only serves to annoy me. I don’t know, maybe it keeps the dirt warm and cozy on cold nights.
The fabric lays in long swaths about 20 ft X 3 ft. Moving sixty square feet of gravel in order to dig an eight inch square hold is absurd even by my standards. It crosses the threshold between hard work and masochism. Without the benefit of scissors and having the upper body strength of a ten year old, I had to rely on some old school postage stamp technology: perforation. (Anyone under 30 probably has no idea that stamps came any other was besides in sheets of stickers. After all, this is the generation of peel-n-stick envelopes.) Again, with my trusty toothbrush I wildly stab the earth like Anthony Perkins, slightly disturbing my caged associates.
“Do not be afraid! This is only a test,” I assure them as I finish a row of surprisingly neat dotted lines. After wrestling the winter carpet like an MMA fighter, I emerge victorious, holding up my tattered square trophy with dirt-covered hands.
A week later, the flowers were in the ground and still alive.
The prison donated dirt, trays and some seeds, so I built tiny greenhouses out of old shampoo bottles and clear trash bags, poking vents in them with Mr. Toothbrush. Once they grow a good root system, I ask the officer to save the breakfast milk cartons, and with the help of my handy-dandy toothbrush, I transform them into miniature transplanting pots.
Only of of three seed types has germinated, so I am banking on these to grow up big and strong to create Pender’s Peace Garden, a tropical oasis of serenity. However, even if my incubators fail to hatch new babies, just the few existing plants already positively impact the environment. In a world of concrete and steel, rock and brick, emerges delicate life in tiny bursts of orange, green, yellow, pink and white.
A young woman, 21, here for armed robbery and a littany of priors, thanked me for planting the daisies between the cell window and cage. “They make this place seem more human.” Her words brought me into stark reality over treatment: we are locked in a bathroom 23 hours a day, put inside a cage to shower, instead of muzzles we wear handcuffs, and when out to play are kept on a very short leash.
And she was right; by validating the plants’ inherent value, they, in turn, validate our humanity.
LIVE [By Guestblogger: Sarah, IN]
[Note: Sarah is an inmate in Indianapolis Women’s Prison currently serving a life sentence for murder. I have been writing to her for over two years. After having escaped from prison eight years into her sentence, she was on the lam for nearly a year. She was profiled on America’s Most Wanted and caught. Since then she has been in solitary confinement for the last two and a half years. A book about Sarah’s life and escape came out this month called Girl, Wanted: The Chase for Sarah Pender.]
Pender’s Peace Garden
Living in solitary confinement gives mea renewed sense of appreciation for life. Two and a half years of good behavior has earned me the privilege of gardening the rocks. Fives days each week, I am handcuffed through a hole in the door, led from my cell to a plastic patio chair in which I must kneel to allow an officer to lock shackles around my ankles. Between the steel leg clamps hangs a heavy chain that grants me freedom in sixteen inch increments.
My garden is a sea of peagravel that pools around a concrete pad onto which are bolted several large chain-link fence cages that resemble dog runs. In fair weather we hostages are released from our cells into these cages, one woman per cage, for our one hour of “recreation” where we can sit and soak up sunshine, or “exercise”, which creepily resembles restless circus tigers or feral dogs pacing. The cages are flanked on three sides by brick walls with a razor wire topped fence at the end—a place so desolate, abandoned houses have more pizazz.
A forest of weeds grows up from the peddles, and I shuffle around caring for them as if they are my surrogate children, sculpting clover into miniature bushes, adopting tiny flowering outcasts, and deimating the intruding crabgrass. I became attached to a sticker plant that grew over 18 inches before a rainstorm tilted him like a corner bar drunk. As I tended to him, the girls teased me that I was raising weeds.
I chided them. “He is a plant. Stop calling him a weed. You are hurting his feelings.” I then assured all of my little guys that I would protect them from other bullies, validated their right to exist and be cared for, and showered them with watery love.
A bucket is the only garden tool I am permitted besides plastic bags and gloves for picking out unwanted intruders, so when the Superintendent approved for Minister Bruce to bring in a few potted plants, there was a discourse about how I would garden real plants without tools. I told them I didn’t need any tools.
“How will you garden without tools?”
“I will figure it out,” I confidently replied.
I sketched out a plan to place my five flowers (rudbeckia, shasta daisy, marigold, impatient and begonia) and then started digging. I snapped two cheap wooden pencils before I discovered an indestructible weapon for micro earth moving: a used Colgate toothbrush. An old coffee-stained tumbler became my itty-bitty backhoe, and together we made a hole appear. It is a slow process, but it is not like I’m pressed for time.
To even get down to the dirt requires a recipe of equal parts creativity, ingenuity, and brute force. First, I bulldozed the peagravel with a dustpan borrowed from the janitor’s closet. Underneath is a sheet of black fabric that, ironically is supposed to suppress weed growth, but only serves to annoy me. I don’t know, maybe it keeps the dirt warm and cozy on cold nights.
The fabric lays in long swaths about 20 ft X 3 ft. Moving sixty square feet of gravel in order to dig an eight inch square hold is absurd even by my standards. It crosses the threshold between hard work and masochism. Without the benefit of scissors and having the upper body strength of a ten year old, I had to rely on some old school postage stamp technology: perforation. (Anyone under 30 probably has no idea that stamps came any other was besides in sheets of stickers. After all, this is the generation of peel-n-stick envelopes.) Again, with my trusty toothbrush I wildly stab the earth like Anthony Perkins, slightly disturbing my caged associates.
“Do not be afraid! This is only a test,” I assure them as I finish a row of surprisingly neat dotted lines. After wrestling the winter carpet like an MMA fighter, I emerge victorious, holding up my tattered square trophy with dirt-covered hands.
A week later, the flowers were in the ground and still alive.
The prison donated dirt, trays and some seeds, so I built tiny greenhouses out of old shampoo bottles and clear trash bags, poking vents in them with Mr. Toothbrush. Once they grow a good root system, I ask the officer to save the breakfast milk cartons, and with the help of my handy-dandy toothbrush, I transform them into miniature transplanting pots.
Only of of three seed types has germinated, so I am banking on these to grow up big and strong to create Pender’s Peace Garden, a tropical oasis of serenity. However, even if my incubators fail to hatch new babies, just the few existing plants already positively impact the environment. In a world of concrete and steel, rock and brick, emerges delicate life in tiny bursts of orange, green, yellow, pink and white.
A young woman, 21, here for armed robbery and a littany of priors, thanked me for planting the daisies between the cell window and cage. “They make this place seem more human.” Her words brought me into stark reality over treatment: we are locked in a bathroom 23 hours a day, put inside a cage to shower, instead of muzzles we wear handcuffs, and when out to play are kept on a very short leash.
And she was right; by validating the plants’ inherent value, they, in turn, validate our humanity.
